Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Along these lines, my father contends that the first child in the
    family should be donated to science when you're done experimenting!
    
    Jane (his firstborn.  hmmmm....)

    Well done Carol!  Good idea ...
    
    I have a list as long as my arm ... but here's a few thoughts anyway
    ...
    
    1) Sterilizing everything the baby touches or even looks at!
       There is a tremendous feeling, probably stemming from the sterile
       practices in hospital that sterilization of everything is
       essential.  Oh the hours we spent making sure things were
       sterile ... 
    
       Yes bottles and nipples and bowls should be well washed
       but the boil in the pan routine certainly doesn't seem
       necessary for much more than the first month or two ...
    
    2) Babies are fragile ...
    
       Yes ... and no ... the first you tend to handle so delicately
       and carefully like a china doll that you are so careful with
       them that you spend ages just moving them around.
    
    3) Be careful of teh soft spot ...
    
       Like babies are fragile ... the soft spot is tougher than you think
       and the cradle cap always seems to start there!  You can rub gently
       over the soft spot !
    
    4) Be careful of the cord ...
    
       We fussed over being careful around the cord ... till it started
       to develop an infection ... because we were afraid to dig in the
       navel aound it to keep it clean.  You can clean around it and
       not hurt the baby.
    
    5) The strap on the change table will hold baby while you reach for
       something ...
    
       Not likely ... it may stop baby from rolling ... but babies push
       with their feet and shoot along the table, out of the belt ... then
       onto the floor!
    
    Stuart

    Here's a few of my lessons:
    
    1.  Colic - it happens!  It isn't anyone's fault and they do get
        over it by 3 months or so.   And the books that say it lasts
        for a few hours in the evening, are absolutely, dead WRONG!
        The crying can last all day.  But...don't let the crying
        rule your life (I did and it was my biggest mistake so far).
    
    2.  Pastel, cutesy nurseries are for the parents only.   Primaries
        are far more fun and interesting for the wee ones.
    
    3.  Babies can be laid down for naps/bedtime while still awake.
        (I know this is pretty stupid, but I didn't do this until
        my son was 6 months old or so - what a mistake!)
    
    4.  Babies don't NEED to be bathed everyday; especially in the
        winter.
    
    Carol

    Here's some....
    
    1. Babies throw-up. Get used to it.
    
    2. Babies sometimes do things in their diapers (sometimes when out of
    them too) that will gross out even the toughest stomach!!!
    
    3. Babies love to wobble their heads around looking like they are going
    to fall off.
    
    4. Father's are more protective of girls than boys.
    
    5. You will have one accident that is more traumatic for the parents
    than for the baby within the first 6 months.
    
    6. Babies love to wiggle their faces while you try to feed them more so
    than normal when you have just dressed for an evening out.
    
    7. Babies have a way of staining carpets and furniture so it will never
    comes out - even with guarenteed steam-cleaning.
    
    8. Babies love to splash in the bathtub.
    
    9. Babies make old people you don't know stop on the street and talk to
    you. They usually tell you about their grandchildren (or whip out the
    grandparent's pocketbook-sized photo album) and then ask you if you
    are breast-feeding.
    
    10. Babies make Christmas extra special.
    
    11. Babies make everyday special.
    
    12. You will never forget the first time the baby smiles at you (and
    you won't ever have it on film!!).
    
    13. You will be very depressed/upset leaving your child for the first
    time and you will make your husband call the sitter because you know
    you will insist on talking to a 3-week-old infant if you call yourself.
    
    14. Everyday gets better and everyday is brighter with a baby around.
    
    15. Be reasonable with the expectations you set on yourself!! And
    review them often. Being super-mom isn't something you put on a resume;
    being a good mom (parent) is something you carry in your heart and
    eventually will pay off when you get your first compliment from an
    outsider watching you with your children.
    
    16. You realize how it honestly is the simple things in life that are
    the best - a walk, the zoo, feeding ducks, zwiebeck toasts, quiet time.
    
    17. There is nothing more precious than a sleeping child.
    
    18. You will get the warm-and-fuzzies everytime your little one comes
    over to climb up in your lap, give you a hug or give you a kiss.
    
    19. You will swear your child will be the next Monet when he/she brings
    home his/her first artwork from daycare. It will hang in the
    refrigerator until the everyday dirt and grim from the kitchen has
    weighed it down and the magnet won't hold it up anymore. Only then will
    you consider "defacing" it with tape to hold it up.
    
    20. You will know why people have children.
    
    Andrea                                             

   One thing we had to learn... and are still learning...
   
   Sometimes babies fuss, and they cannot be quieted.  I don't know
   why - maybe a stubborn bit of gas, maybe a bit of colic, maybe they
   just want to fuss to try to keep themselves from falling asleep,
   maybe ???  But sometimes you will find that no amount of burping,
   rocking, cuddling, nursing, bottles, whatever will help the little
   tyke settle.  Get used to it, it just happens sometimes.
   
   - Tom
   

    RE .4 - Thank you, Andrea.  That was wonderful!  
    
    I was wondering what it was in me that had changed, since I never, ever
    thought that I would want to share in the experience of parenthood. 
    But you couldn't have expressed it better!  I no longer wonder what it
    is in me that makes me wish to have a child...
    
    Rgds,
    marcia

    
    The hospital I'm going to have my baby in (North Shore University
    Hospital in Manhasset, Long Island) is holding a series of seminars
    dealing with first-time parents.
    
    I've attended 2 so far and they've been excellent.  Maybe checking with
    your hospital for a seminar like this would help.
    
    -- Colleen
    
    P.S.  Everything that was said so far was mentioned in our Baby Basics
          but here are some more that I've learned:
    
    1.  Babies love to look at themselves in the mirror
    
    2.  They love the colors black and white
    
    3.  They like high-pitched voices
    
    
    So far, everything is heresay, but I'm going to be learning first hand
    in mid-late March ;-)

No matter how many "pre-parenting" classes you take, you will not be
prepared.

Breastfeeding does NOT work for everyone - do not feel guilty if you are
one it does not work for.

Boy oh boy, does colic happen!!  It also ends but not for what seems like
YEARS!

You may need time to grieve over the loss of the life/lifestyle you will
never ever have again.  Be gentle with yourself.

Don't believe everything you read or hear about babies - trust yourself.

    
    
    
    			
    Chapter by chapter - an overview:
    
    				I.
    
    
    I agree with everything so far in the previous replies.   The number
    one rule is to do what seems right - if you are comfortable with it.
    Clean, healthy, stimulated babies need not be *really* hard work.  
    
    
    				II.
    
    Preschoolers are so much fun - they learn something new each day, and
    are so willing to talk to you about it.  Their respect for you is
    natural, and they are just plain wonderful to be around. Some 2-4
    year olds have temper tantrums, some don't.  Hardest part of this age
    is trying to NOT give attention to bad behavior.  The most important
    part of childhood is [in my opinion] this pre-school age.  
    
    When you talk to/with your preschooler, take time to pay attention. 
    Whether you have them in daycare, or stay home with them is not
    important, but when you *do* spend time with them -
    
    	1.  look them in the eye when you talk.  Don't do things like
    		cook dinner and give them token "mmhmmmm"s to their very
    		important speeches 
    
    	2.   Play *with* your child.  It's  ok to be horsy, or throw them
    		up in the air, but it's more important to play with them,
    		as a child or as a helper.  
    
    	3.   Read to them - lots.
    
    
    About daycare - there are two extremely traumatic times - when the
    child cries because you leave him, and when he stops crying when you
    leave him.
    
    
    				III.
    
    Gradeschool is hard on children, because this is the time when they
    first find that not everyone in the world loves them like their family
    does.   But they adjust, and find friends (my youngest typically had
    around 3 "best friends" per year), and begin to be really independant.
    
    One hint - our TV broke when my kids were 8 and 10, and we did not fix
    or replace it for 3 years.   The children turned into avid recreational
    readers during that time, and they still are today (ages 15 and 17).
    So if you are willing to do without, I recommend you spend some time
    during the gradeschool years without the Hypnogourd.  The temptation to
    allow the children to watch too much is very real, and arguing with
    them to "go do something else" was not much fun.
    
    Anyway, my children have brought me much much joy.
    
    Enjoy them, because....
    
    
    				IV.
    
    someday they will be  -  TEENAGERS!!!!  Living with and trying to be
    a parent to a teenager is not as bad as, and worse than, I expected.
    
    The primary problem is that they look grownup, and sometimes act
    grownup, and we sort of expect them to be that way.   But they have the
    judgement of small children sometimes, and combining that with hormones
    makes for interesting times.  They are also very skillful at dragging
    you down to their level of thinking in arguments/discussions.  
    
    Learn to let them make their own mistakes - it's hard, and sometimes
    they get hurt.  But teenage years are the time when you 'let go' in a
    controlled environment.   Worry is a way of life (especially when your
    teenager learns to drive)... but if it shows, you are not going to be a
    very effective parent/advisor.  Most of us make *lots* of mistakes
    during these years.  this is when kids get into trouble, when they try
    new things (not always legal).   But the fun isn't over - I like to do
    things with my kids, and now they can play bridge with us, and they can
    camp on their own, and talk about the same things you like to talk
    about.  If you have built a fairly good relationship with them, they
    start to become your friend (but don't quite trust them - yet).
    
    If you have an athlete - learn not to make too much of a fuss over
    potential or even actual injuries.  I quietly have a heart attack as I
    watch my skier race down a hill at about 60 mph.  A good stiff drink is
    supposed to help, but just gives me a headache.
    
    Save lots of money for college.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    -m
    
    
    				V.
    
    When the children prepare to leave home, try to remember what your
    parents did/said that you liked, and try to remember what they did that
    you did NOT like.   This is time to treat your kids just like your
    other adult friends.  This is also the hardest time of parenting -
    learning NOT to be a parent.

    Although still new at this, two very important things I've learned:
    
    1. Don't tip-toe around the house when baby is asleep.  Teach them
    to sleep through the normal household sounds by getting them used to it
    right from the start.  Along the same lines, don't help baby to fall
    asleep.   Let them learn by themselves, otherwise you'll be up several
    times a night helping them get BACK to sleep. A little rocking,
    singing, storytime is great, a ritual is helpful, but let them fall
    asleep on their own.
    
    2. DOn't make meal time a fight.  After trying my hardest to get David
    to eat MY WAY, I now just take off his clothes, hand him a spoon, and
    slip in a mouthful when he isn't looking (he's 10 months old and
    INSISTS he can eat all by himself).  He has fun, I don't worry about
    staining his new outfit, and he EATS! 
    
    Sarah
    

    From a 15-month old's mother:
    
    1. Babies are absolutely their own people. That means they
       might not need or want your interference. For example,
       (as was already mentioned) they may prefer to go to sleep
       in they're own way -- snuggling into a blanket, sucking
       on some fingers, singing or complaining to themselves,
       banging feet against crib bars. And why not? Think about
       it: don't you love to get into bed when you're nice and tired,
       fix up your pillow or blankets just so, dwell on your  
       own thoughts, stare at nothing in particular, and just relax? 
       Would you want someone holding you on their lap every night, 
       swinging you around? Not me!
    
       This independent personage holds true for lots of things.
       How and when to eat, having some free time to be alone,
       getting a chance to just lay on the floor... all sorts of things.
       When a baby prefers your help, they let you know.
    
    2. By the time you figure out the best way to do something
       for a baby, you don't need to do it anymore. As soon as
       you have all the perfect baby furniture, like a baby bath
       and changing table, they've grown out of it. You struggle
       to find the perfect way to nurse, and then struggle to
       introduce the bottle (and find the perfect type of bottle
       nipple), and it's time to think about weaning. You puree
       carrots and stock up on rice cereal, and within a few months
       they're eating fish sticks and baked beans. Everything
       seems vitally important, and it is! for a few weeks or so.
    
    -Barbara           

    From my parents and my in-laws----HAVE FUN!!!!
    
    Don't take everything so seriously, keep your sense of humor, and
    remember how fast they grow and change.  Just a few steps down the
    road and you'll be reminiscing how cute a behavior was that you
    absolutely detested when it was going on.
    
    Relax, try to be a little more like Bill Cosby and see the laughs
    in every day life with your kids.  This is your chance to be silly
    and act goofy--for the kid's sake, of course.
    
    My in-laws said everyone shuld be grandparents before they become
    parents--you learn to just enjoy the kids as they are and not expect
    perfection.
    
    Pam

    well said Pam....
    
    an absolute golden rule !

    What we've learned is to include our kids in our lives, rather than
    believing that we'd have to give up what we want to do until the kids
    are older. A neighbor has commented that we are the "most outdoors"
    oriented folks in our neighborhood and it's true. Ryan since a verrrry
    young age has helped with the garden, sweeping, shoveling, and raking.
    he likes to pretend to help mow the lawn, and eagerly picks weeds with
    us.  And I think a lot of it is because we include him in these
    activities rather than do them when he's sleeping.
    
    So, we've learned to not put our own lives on hold.....
    

    re: .12 - the absolute best ever advice!
    
    re: .-1 - No matter how much you try to include your children, instead
    of giving up stuff - you still have to give up some things.   Sacrifice
    need not always be unpleasant, but...
    
    
    -m

    re .12
    Madeline, you're right. Rounds on the golf course have been few and far
    between in the last 3 years :-)
    

    The "old life" may be gone....but look at what has replaced it!  I've
    never had so much fun....
    
    Of course, most of what I used to do alone I now do with little ones
    "helping"...their perspective usually sheds a new light on even the
    most boring chores.
    
    I just wish I could go to the bathroom just once without company, or
    things coming under the door for me to look at!
    
    LB