Conference moira::parenting_v3

    There is a Berenstain Bear (sp?) book on strangers which I like.  You
    can probably find it in a any bookstore with kids books.
    
    I like that it addresses how kids can overreact and the whole world
    can start to look scary, but then they have to put it in perspective
    and just be cautious around people they don't know, just in case.
    
    It's worth checking out.

    There's another book that I picked up at the library called "You can
    say NO!".  It dealt with strangers and touch.  It was very good.  It
    lead to good imaginative role play with my 3.5 and 5.5 children.  
    I'm sorry but I don't remember the author.  But the authors name began 
    with an A or B, since it was found in that section of the library.
    
    I've found the librarians to be very helpful when I ask them about
    books on certain subjects.  They usually ask the age of the child and
    then gear their selection from that.  
    
    There's also a great video out called "Strong Kids Safe Kids".  It uses
    music and is narrated by Henry Winkler.  It teaches the children the
    correct names for the parts of the body and teaches them a special
    noise to make when they're in trouble and need help.  Our video store
    used to lend it overnight for free.
    
    Good Luck.
    Donna

    I'm looking forward to the responses here.  My nephew Brian is 3 1/2
    and he's started asking to wait in the car while we're in the store, or
    to wait outside while we're in the check-out line.  So far we've told him
    that he can't because we always need to be able to see him. That
    satisfies him for now, but I'm sure he'll be asking for more of a
    reason soon.
    
    How can we tell him the truth about "someone" taking him without
    scaring him?  He's always been very shy around strangers and is just
    beginning to come out of his shell, so we want to be very cautious with
    this.   He's also starting pre-school in a couple of weeks so it seems
    like the right time to start talking about it.
    
    Any suggestions?
    
                                                     Tracy

    The Adam Walsh Foundation is associated with a Program call "Kids and
    Company; Together for Safety".  It deals very well with O.K. and Not
    O.K. touch and dealing with people they do not know.
    
    Digital has become quite involved with this program also, by asking for
    volunteers to become familiar with the program to assist school systems
    in the implementation of "Kids and Company; Together for Safety".
    
    The toll free number for the Adam Walsh Child Resource Center is:
    
    1-800-367-2326
    
    This program is directed for children grades K-6.
    
    Cheryl

    Tagging on to .3, when's a good time to begin this conversation?
    James is barely 2.5.  I've done a few things, like when we're
    crossing our (very busy) street, I'll say something like, "We
    always look both ways before crossing and take an adult friend's
    hand.  We never go anywhere with someone we don't know."  
    
    Penelope Leach seems to feel that 3.5 or so is about as early as a kid
    can handle this kind of discussion.  She says that a more useful rule
    is to tell kids "never go anywhere without telling me, and NEVER go
    anywhere with someone you don't know."  She believes that this is
    a more useful edict than "Don't talk to strangers."  Any thoughts?
    I don't want to rathole the discussion, but I do wonder (a) when
    should you start talking about these things and (b) what's the best
    message/way to get it across?  TNX!

    I've talked with Sally (almost 5) alot about "warning signs" - things
    that should be telling her that something is severely wrong.  Our list
    is:
    	- Someone wants to touch you in any way that you don't want them to
    	- Someone you don't know wants to give you something or wants you
    	  to go with them
    	- A child has something they shouldn't have: medicine, anything
    	  sharp, etc.
    	- Anyone tells you "don't tell your mother!", even if there is a
    	  threat involved
    
    The game is that I ask "And what should you do if this happens?" and
    the only correct answer is "Go running and SCREAMING to [list of
    approved grownups]".
    
    In a strange set of circumstances, this plan has been tested and Sally
    passed with flying colors - this time.  I know better than to trust a
    kid this age with all the variations on the situations.  For example,
    one time I asked her what about if someone wants you to get in a car to
    help them look for a lost kitten, and she said "then it would be OK".
    
    Kathleen is 3 and her education on this topic is limited to talking to
    her about being in charge of her own body and not making her kiss or
    hug anyone she doesn't want to kiss or hug - ever!  

    Read v2, note 894 (there are 28 replies).
    
    Leslie

    The Berenstain Bears have a video on this subject as well.
    
    Mike

Of the "Strangers" books, I cast another vote for the Berenstain Bears book, 
(and video, which follows the book pretty closely) for approximately the same 
reason as previously mentioned.  It doesn't go overboard, and even recognizes 
some of the dangers of going overboard.  I object mildly in that it does 
something the Berenstain Bears do often -- makes Papa a sort of insensitive 
buffoon, and Mama the voice of reason -- but I think it does a good, balanced 
job.  It also deals with the "appearances" issue.  In many books, the 
"strangers" are all stereotypical unshaven, seedy looking men in greasy 
trenchcoats.

I agree with the Leach statement in .9.  Not only because of the complexity 
of the statement, but because dealing too much with "strangers" focuses on a 
small minority of child abuse cases, often to the point that it takes away 
from the most common source of abuse -- relatives, friends, and acquaintances.

I like books and materials (sorry I can't cite any specifics) that focus more 
on privacy and _your_ body aspects rather than on "strangers."

re: .6,

>    Kathleen is 3 and her education on this topic is limited to talking to
>    her about being in charge of her own body and not making her kiss or
>    hug anyone she doesn't want to kiss or hug - ever!  

IMO, that's a good point to start a three year old at.  You have to deal with 
some hurt some times that the person they don't want to kiss or hug is YOU, 
but that doesn't happen often.

Clay

    Good point, Clay.  I have NEVER asked children  for
    hugs/kisses, and when people would say, "Why don't you kiss/hug
     Kate?", I'd always say to the child, "You don't have to,
    honey, a handshake is fine."  You'd be surprised at the look of
    utter relief on a lot of little faces.  Now I do the same thing
    with James.  I was very firm at last year's neighborhood Christmas
    party about his sitting on Santa's lap.  I think I may have annoyed
    some people, but I came right out and said that James didn't have to
    sit on Santa's lap if he didn't want to.  (And he DIDN'T!)  I even ask
    James if he wants to sit on MY lap, which may be a little much, but
    at the same time, I don't think so.  I will ask him if I can kiss
    him good-bye at daycare, however.
    
    Just my $.02