Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Dottie - 
    
    I'd say that if you want to know what happened, by all means ask!
    It's been my experience with our daycare arrangement, that I need
    to bring up everything that bothers me *even the littlest bit*
    else it just kinda "brews".
    
    I don't know if this is the situation with you, but I often think
    that some of the day's activities (including bumps and bruises)
    go unmentioned just due to the chaotic nature of picking up and
    dropping off kids (and my sitter only takes one besides Jason,
    can't imagine what it's like at a center).   I know that at some
    of the centers we visited that they keep a little log sheet on
    each kid that includes their daily habits (diapers, eat&drink,
    nap schedule, etc) and anything special that happened.  Maybe
    you could ask your sitter to do this for you/JA.
    
    The other thing that I'm certain of is that I'm more attuned to
    EVERYTHING that Jason does (since he's my first and only) such
    that things that I want to know about seem pretty minor to this
    woman who has raised three+ kids!
    
    Carol

	One thing to consider is that the sitter not have seen it happen.  
Even if JA complained, if the sitter had her back turned, by the time she looked
all she may have seen was JA crying with no clue as to what happened.  Those
little buggers can get into trouble in a split second.

	The way our daycare handles it was when Katie was an infant, they kept a 
daily sheet on each kid with meal/feeding info, when/what medicine was given,
diaper changes and whether they were poopy or just wet with a spot for 
"comments".  Comments could be that "Tiffany bit Katie on the arm, they applied 
ice" or "Katie didn't seem sick precisely, but she was a little off today, you 
might want to watch her."  Now that Katie is in the toddler room, we no longer 
get individual sheets most days.  (There is log for the whole class for 
diapers/potty info, meals, and medicine.)  But if something out of the ordinary
happens, we'll get a note in her box.  

	I like the idea of a note.  If they write it down when it happens, they 
are more likely to remember what happened and to pass it along to you even if it
happened first thing in the morning, or 4 parents pick up their kids at the same 
time.  

	You might suggest that your care provider start the daily log idea.
The fact it covers other things like Poop and food may take the pressure off the 
bumps and bruises part.

Tracey

    Hi Dottie,
    
    My sitter usually mentions any obvious "booboos", but if something
    did go unmentioned that showed up later, I would always ask her.
    I would never feel that she would be on the defensive. Al I would
    say is, "How did Jakey get the bump on his head yesterday?" and
    she would tell me if she did or didn't know.
    
    Why do you feel that the new sitter would react defensively? Is
    it just because you haven't used her for very long? You did say
    you know her pretty well, so don't worry. Just ask in an off hand
    manner. She will probably be glad you asked. Alot of the parents
    my sitter has seen never ask a single thing. They just drop the
    kid of and pick'em up later, no questions asked. If a sitter was
    defensive because you took interest in your child, then maybe she
    needs an attitude check!  (I'm not saying she does. Just an example).
    
    Dottie
    
    (And may I say you have the most <<beautiful>> name!)
    
    

    >                            ....worry. Just ask in an off hand
    >manner. She .....
    
    I trust you mean "in passing" rather than "an off hand manner" !? :-)
    
    If someone asked me something in an off hand manner I'd be on the
    offensive pretty quickly, never mind defensive!  :-)
    
    Great isn't it where we say "Off hand, you wouldn't happen to know why
     ............." meaning "by the way" whereas we say "He was really off
    hand with me" meaning very unhelpful, rude and brusque.
    
    Stuart

    I agree with noters that a "log" is a good idea.
    
    I also have home-care for my infant.  I purchased a small notebook
    (7x5 or so) and keep it in his "bag".  I write in it every night
    to let the sitter know anything that may have occured the night
    before that she should know about, ie. he was up in the night alot
    so should be tired, or he had a fever, or he started solids, etc.
    It is also helpful as a reminder to her if I will be there early
    or late, etc.
    
    She will write in it everyday to let me know how often and how much
    he ate during the day and how much he slept.  Also if anything unusual
    happened, ie. bumps and bruises.   It serves as a great record too!
    (I have 3 years worth of books with my daughter).
    
    In your instance, I would have just asked in the book how she got
    her bump.  Although the sitter would most certainly would have written
    it down herself.
    
    -ali
    
    ps. To personalize the book (and keep them separate from Paige's)
    I stick a current picture of my kid on the cover.

    From the description, I'd guess that you are uncomfortable because you
    and the sitter are both pretty new at this.  Whatever the background,
    you will both benefit greatly from open discussion of any issue like
    this.  She should routinely mention any problem or injury, even if
    minor, and you should feel comfortable asking about any she doesn't
    mention.  Preschools (and now Extended Days) are required by Mass. OFC
    regulations to keep logs on such things, and to inform parents of anything
    requiring attention (even just a bandaid).  I'm not certain of the
    current rules on homecare, but the same practive is desirable, whatever
    the requirements.  After all, one parent would tell the other about
    accidents or illness; there's no reason a sitter should be embarassed.
    
    		- Bruce

    
    I think Bruce hit the nail on the head when he said "you are BOTH "new"
    at this ... and, as such, uncomfortable.  Yup!!  That's right, Bruce.
    
    I would not be afraid to ask our sitter ANYTHING.  She is very easy to
    talk to and is trying very hard to accomodate and please us.  She's
    very flexible about schedules (OK if we're a little late or have an
    early drop off) and has always been fair with the kids (no favoritism).
    So I probably should feel "more comfortable" about approaching her, as
    I have absolutely no reason to believe she's be defensive or petty ...
    just Jim thinks that since nothing "would change by knowing", why
    bother.
    
    I feel very comfortable with a sitter who has had hands-on-experience
    (three kids of her own).  She probably knows a lot more than I do about
    treating injuries, attitude, discipline, stages, etc., so I feel very
    comfortable with JA being in her care.
    
    I guess I was (and still am) curious about how bumps & bruises are
    "typically" handled.   And Bruce is right, I'll feel a lot more at ease
    in another couple of weeks when the "settling in anxieties" have calmed
    down.
    
    Yesterday (when I picked JA up), the sitter handed her to me and JA
    reached back for the sitter.  The sitter handled this VERY WELL, looked
    at me with a little "ut-oh look" and I said "I'm sure glad JA likes you
    JUST AS MUCH as she likes me ...".  And I mean it!!  I want JA to be in
    an environment of love and trust (a home away from home).
    
    JA sure is exhausted when she comes home!
    
    Dottie
    

    Dottie, If I see something on Eric, I just ask.  Eric's provider
    never seems to get defensive.  She has only told me a couple of times
    of things that have happened, so I hope that means that only a couple
    of things *have* happened. The other day she told me that she FORGOT
    to tell me that the day before he climbed out of the walker,
    landed on the floor and crawled off on his merry way.  She also
    reassured me that she would no longer put him in the walker.  He's
    walking now, anyway, so he's happiest being free to wonder.  
    
    Once I got home and was changing Eric into PJs and noticed a weird mark
    on the top of his back (looked almost like a hickey).  I was upset, 
    assuming all kinds of terrible things.  I had to wait 15 minutes to stop 
    shaking and calm down, and then I called her.  I told her Eric had a 
    strange mark near his shoulder and did she know if one of the other kids 
    did anything.  She was fine and offered a couple thoughts, though she 
    said he didn't cry in pain at all that day.  
    
    I think mothers/fathers who do daycare have a very good
    understanding of why a mark would concern a parent.  I would
    casually ask her what happened.  You do want to know and that is
    understandable, even if there is nothing you can do about it.
    
    Donna
                                   

    In re: .8
    
    Hmm, it sounds like it is _Jim_ you really need a discussion with,
    Dottie.  I think he's got this one quite wrong.
    
    For one thing, if either parent worries about unknown bumps, and
    learning the origins makes them feel better, then that in itself is a
    worthwhile "change."  It doesn't matter whether you provide the child
    any treatment, or the other parent thinks the anxiety is excessive.
    
    In any case, you can't know that nothing should change.  Not every
    bruise mark is caused by a trivial playground-type accident.  Some
    might suggest safety changes in the environment (either home or
    sitter's); some can be caused by internal problems rather than external
    blows; conceivably your dog or the sitter's older kid is knocking the
    child down when no adult is in the room.  Probably 95% of the time
    knowing a bruise's origins won't cause you to _do_ anything, but you
    can't tell these from the other 5% without information.
    
    It is especially natural for a parent to be both curious and somewhat
    anxious about _everything_ that happens during the day when their child
    has just started daycare.  Experienced providers know this well, and
    should be glad to provide you with lots of interesting information (and
    ideas), whether or not it is "important" is some strictly rational
    sense.
    
    		- Bruce

    I noticed my daughter had something yellow on her forehead last night,
    that didn't come off in the bath, so i asked her about it.  she said
    she'd gotten hit by a swing!  now, she has bangs which hide her
    forehead, which is why i may not have noticed it earlier, but i'm sure
    there was nothing there on tuesday, at her last bath, although i was
    in a hurry and may not have noticed.  in the past, when i've asked
    at her daycare, they just shrug their shoulders; seems if the kid
    doens't cry or complain they don't worry.  i guess that's
    understandable.  but somehow i don't see how a kid could get hit by a
    swing -- obviously no one was in it -- and not complain.  my husband
    took the kids in today, and i'm sure he forgot to ask since i forgot to
    remind him [:>)] so i'll have to try and remember when i get her
    tonight.  ordinarily, they leave "owie" notes, for things like
    scratches and bites, not for bandaids though unless it's relatively
    serious, i guess.
    
    it's little things like this that are causing me to leave this center
    for another, but that's another story altogether...
    
    sandy
    

    re: .11

    Kids do have different pain levels.  Steven would have screamed
    bloody murder if the swing nicked him.  
    
    David, on the other hand, probably wouldn't notice that he'd been 
    bopped with a swing unless it knocked him out :)  David, trying to
    learn to walk, pulled a kitchen chair over on top of himself last
    night.  Bang went his head on the floor; bang went the chair on
    top of David.  David laid there on his back with the chair across
    his chest looking at the ceiling in puzzlement for a moment.  Then
    twisted himself out from under it and proceeded to start playing
    with the bars on the back.  

    He's got a couple of bruises from it but if it had happened at day
    care, only the tipped-over chair would have been a clue.  
    
    --bonnie

    I've noticed that Daniel's sitter gives us different amounts of
    information depending on the chaos level at her house either at the
    time of the incident or at pickup time. For example, the first time
    he got a scratch at daycare, she was apologetic and had the full
    story before we could even ask. The second time, we had to ask, then 
    she told us what she knew - she had been too distracted at pickup time 
    to tell us then.
    
    Both cases were normal wear-and-tear stuff. She's not the note-writing
    type so we do everything by conversation, in person.
    
    Lucy
    

    With my provider I try to remember to tell her how he got the scratches
    that occured just in case she doesnt notice it right away. She will 
    worry about it later when she sees it and will usually ask me about it
    if I have forgotten to tell her. She also lets me know why John has a 
    scratch on his face. The most recent one I recall was the story
    about the other 'survivor'(read- 3d sibling) who fought back.
    John is a third child and has a tendancy to grab and pull and in
    general not use gental touch. I know she is consistant with her
    couching the use of gental tough so I could quickly relate that the two 
    were figuring out each others space and John got the worse of
    it(finally a kid just as persitant as John). John has an interesting
    tendancy to fall -he likes running, lifting the bar while swinging,
    risking the fall, flying down the steps ect. as a result he does fall- 
    a lot more than any kid I ever seen. My provider even thought about
    puting him in a mesh play pin till he became more stable on his feet
    because he was so detirmined to walk at 9 mths and she was close to 
    heart failure every time he let go and tried to balance. I think she 
    actually felt guilty about how often he fell. My mother was
    at the home most of the time and took it apon her self to follow him
    around to try to catch him before he hit the harder stuff. We got him
    different shoes (some that had two surfaces on so they would stick a
    little on the floors and a little on the rugs)
     
    I would suggest that you look at this from the standpoint that she may
    forget and be delighted that you reminded her to tell you how he/she
    hurt himself. And offer the same info. If he/she gets hurt with you 
    offer the infomation she would want to know because she cares for your
    child. My provider loves my children. She worries about them too. She
    is a part of our family and is concerned when she sees they have been
    hurt. When John fell face first out of the swing(another adult had put
    him in it while Steve and I  were with the other kids) He looked like 
    he had been drug throug the gravel. It was one of the ugliest 
    owwies he has had(and most visible being across his face) but it was
    so supperficial. It looked so bad that first 30 minutes that I was
    considering taking him to the ER just to have them clean it. It scabbed
    quickly and was peeling off in less that four days. The provider is
    obligated to report suspected child abuse I thought to myself that my 
    first reaction to seeing a child looking like John I would report me
    too. So explaining really should go both ways. My provider looked at
    John and said "Now I dont feel so bad, I know you fall down for your
    mother too." John just grinned at her and she gave him a hug and I left
    for work.
    
    janet