Conference moira::parenting_v3

    How about a beautiful picture frame for your child's first photo -
    maybe engraved "Dad"?
    

    Sorry .1 but "No thanks"!
    
    To be honest, it is this time that puts strains on the husband - wife
    relationship, so if my wife were to have done something special for
    me like a gift, I'd have much preferred something that shows the
    concreteness of that bond.
    
    Anything related to the baby is just a reinforcement of how baby is
    coming between husband and wife.
    
    I dunno what kind of thing I'd want ... but anything that reeks of
    baby is a big NO THANKS ... I'm useless at recommending gifts for
    myself at the best of times.
    
    Stuart

   re: .2
   
   Stuart - well, that goes to show you that everybody is different.
   I did not feel the strain that you describe with baby #1, and I
   don't feel that way with the current pregnancy.  So while your
   reaction is certainly valid, I guess not everybody feels that way.
  
   Anyway, you do have a good point, though.  Gifts that reinforce the
   husband/wife relationship are a good idea.
   
   re: .0

   How about just scheduling some alone-time with your spouse for a
   couple/few hours?  You pick the activity - dinner, a walk in the
   woods, bowling, anything you like, but just the 2 of you.

   - Tom
   

Rebecca,

I know your intentions are good, but I think you're taking an approach that
is likely to cause you trouble later.  If your husband doesn't already consider
himself involved, your giving him some sort of gift will only serve to
distance him more from the child, and you.

Some might talk about how the baby itself is a gift, but I disagree - the baby
is just as much your husband's as it is yours.  It is not something you give
to him or vice versa - it is a child that you two together brought into this
world.

Speaking pragmatically, and as a father, what your husband has been doing is
"part of the job" of being an incipient parent.  It's not something that
he really should be rewarded for, at least not in the sense of you rewarding
him for his support.  My suggestion would be instead for you to plan something
inexpensive but pleasant for the two of you shortly after the child is
born.  Perhaps arrange for someone to watch the baby for a few hours while
the two of you go see a movie, or go out to dinner.  It doesn't have to
be much, but just something to let you both get a feeling of togetherness.
You'll be needing that in the coming weeks and months.

				Steve

    While that's a nice idea Tom, I think it would be better "later" when
    I'd feel more relaxed leaving the "older" child with someone.  I tend
    to think that it'd also get "put off".  And whereas in the beginning
    I'm sure we'll both be tired.  Also I don't know who to entrust with a
    child that young and I also don't have any sitters yet.  I don't think
    I'd want to leave the baby with anyone at first either....not many
    folks would feel good about having a newborn to contend with.  
    
    Thanks though,
    

    I bought Mike a bottle of top-shelf Scotch :^).  And as soon as I
    felt up to it, we spent some romantic time together -- just us, at
    home (Obviously, James was a good sleeper.). 
    
    Remember that you were a couple before you became Mommy and Daddy.
    And you'll be a couple (God willing) long after the kids leave home.
    
    Good luck with the new baby!
    

   .5 - quite true.  I had forgotten about that part of the equation.
   We did just about the same thing - our first 'post-baby' date
   (dinner at a local place) was not immediate either.

   How about doing something at home then?  When baby goes to sleep,
   have a nice simple, intimate, quiet supper - maybe asking for
   support from family or whoever for preparation assistance.
   
   Gee, if we are just brainstorming here... how 'bout having it sorta
   catered?!  I mean this - have some group of people - family,
   friends, etc just show up at a pre-determined time.  They come in
   with a tablecloth, candles, soft music, and the food.  They set
   things up - turn down the lights, plug in the tapes, set the table
   for dinner, and then leave.  You and spouse just sit down and relax
   for a few minutes while you eat...  never tried it, but it sounds
   like it could work...

   Tired?  You get used to it..  :-)  :-)

I am a daddy. I found that caring for Sammy was every part of my
job as it was for Judy. I enjoyed the feeding and diaper
changing. I, now enjoy the little hugs and the "I luf you,
daddy." That's all that I can ask for.

We do plan to have time together and a trusted neighbor comes and
sees that Sam gets to bed, story read, etc.

Calvin

RE Scotch and sex, thanks but the scotch makes me SLEEPY!

    When we came home from the hospital with our first baby, my husband had
    a small celebration waiting for me.  The house was as clean as we get
    it, there was a hand-made (elaborate) "welcome home" sign, and he had
    some gifts.  The major one was jean jacket that I really wanted.  Since
    our baby was 3 weeks early and caught us by surprise, I had a friend
    shop for a gift for him: a Stevie Wonder album he really wanted.
    
    Since my husband and I are really bad about buying anything for
    ourselves, these were real treats!  I like that they have to do with us
    as people (not only as parents) and every time we see/hear/wear them we
    think of that time in our lives.
    
    The delivery room and the minutes/hours afterwards are going to be so
    intense that anything other than the baby could get lost in the
    shuffle!  
    

    Re .3
    
    What I was trying to say, and didn't do a very good job at it I guess
    or else you were lucky (?) was that there is so much going on near the
    date of a baby's birth that couples tend not to concentrate on
    themselves, but rather on the new baby ... it is only natural.  After
    the baby arrives ... certainly for the first half year or more ...
    because of the nature of the business, mother does far more parenting
    than father with the result that a lot of men suddenly a couple months
    down the road feel rather detached from their wives.  It's usually
    only a subtle feeling and many people don't actually analyse the
    feeling to realise why they feel this disquiet.  But it is TOTALLY
    normal!
    
    I did a little for our first, more for our second, and not at all for
    our third.  By the third I understood what had been going on ... stress
    at work didn't help either.
    
    This is one reason why it is often NOT recommended that couples whose
    relationship is shaky have kids ... often a newborn can actually drive
    them apart rather than together.
    
    Anyway, I digress, I like .9's idea of a record or something personal.
    It is going to be a while before you are happy to leave your little
    one with a sitter and then if you are like most parents, you'll spend
    half the time worried about the child anyway!  So time together is
    going to be hard.  The idea of a catered "meal" sounds good even if
    it's just a Chinese style take-out ... but served nicely and as
    "romantically" as you like it.
    
    Stuart
    
    

    I second not giving somethng immediately after the baby is born. My
    husband was intensely watching them do APGAR tests, seeing if I was
    okay and in total awe over our little one. It was also after 1:00 in
    the morning after a full day of labor so he was pretty tired too. 
    He said he just wanted to go home, knowing we both needed our rest. He
    finally left at 3:00am and giving a gift during those 2 hours would
    have been lost in the excitement. You cannot predict how the delivery
    will could.  
    
    The next day I received a bouquet of roses from him (no baby bootie 
    vase or card with teddy bears on it). All it said was "I love you now
    more then ever" and was meant to be a reminder of our relationship
    becoming stronger every day. I wish I had thought to get him
    something and definitely will with the second. I would get something
    personal, something he wants and really not something to do with the
    baby but with being a good husband and loving person. I think romantic
    evenings after the baby is born are a must and shouldn't be considered a
    "gift" but a way of life. 
    
    Some gift ideas....	a Cross (or other good) pen
    		       	a new leather accessory (wallet, daytimer, etc)
    			maybe a photo of the 2 of you framed
    			money clip
    			business card holder (portable or desktop)
    			a crystal or pewter mug 
    			particle of clothing he wants but would never buy
    				for himself
    			favorite liquor (but not what he has all the time)
    			something around his hobby (golf club, tennis
   				balls, etc)
    			if he loves something like coffee, maybe get him a
    				personal coffee maker for the office with a
    				selection of coffees, mugs, etc
    			a book he has been talking about
    
    You could have the gift ready. If it is small enough, pack it in your
    bag and give it the next day. If it is too large, hide it in the house
    and tell him where to find it. There are lots of cards out there with 
    wonderful sayings about meaning alot to each other (thanks Hallmark!!)
    
    I'm inspired now!! Happy shopping and best of luck with the upcoming
    event!!
    
    Andrea                                              

    Some very good ideas, thank you noters.  
    
    I wasn't planning to give him something that moment the child was born,
    but later, when we had some "quality" time alone, but more than likely
    in the hospital or right when we got home.
    
    Also, I don't want the gift to be about "parenting".  I want it to be
    as most of you suggested, something from MY heart to his.  I agree with
    the one noter that said something to the affect that the baby is not
    necessarily a gift from me.  I believe it's a gift we gave to each
    other, and my husband had as much effort put into this pregnancy as
    myself.  This is a joint effort all the way.
    
    I will more or less get him something very personal.  I have one of
    those husband's who NEVER asks for anything though, so this is going to
    take alot of research!  I'll have to enlist some help from the part of
    the family with "big ears"!
    
    Thanks again!  Any more suggestions, keep 'em coming!
    
    Rebecca
    

    My first thought on reading the base note was to recommend the Bill
    Cosby book called (I think) "Fatherhood".

    
    I don't know if this would be possible, but it is something in
    hindsight that I wished that I had pursued.....how about setting
    up a catered dinner, an extra meal from the hospital kitchen,
    or a pizza delivery; pack a bottle of champagne (yes, go easy if
    you're nursing), some candles, and a bud vase in your hospital 
    bag and have a romantic dinner for two in the hospital.  
    
    For me, the brief hospital stay was the last chance I had for a
    quiet meal and a good nights sleep for several months (the little
    one's are often on their best behavior - or traumatized from 
    l&d! - UNTIL you get them home).
    
    It's kinda corny but what the heck!
    
    carol

    
    When I was in the hospital with my second, my roomate's sister happened
    to work in the Cafeteria of the hospital.  Anyway, she "arranged"
    for a dinner for her and her husband.  Since I was in the same room,
    they included me and my husband.  What they did was have a catered
    dinner.  We had lobster, salad, and champagne!  It was WONDERFUL!
    The nurses made sure the babies didn't come in during our dinner.
    
    I'm not sure if this can be arranged by just anyone, but you may
    try calling the hospital Cafeteria staff to see if it could.  It
    sure was nice for us.
    
    
    jean
    

    How about a simple ol Hallmark card, saying how much you appreciate him
    just being there. And of course a pair of Redsox tickets tucked inside
    would be a nice touch too.
    
    
                                    Jeff

I don't recommend the Cosby book.  I generally enjoy Cosby's humor, but this
book is rather poor in my opinion.  It's also short.

			Steve

    RE .15 FWIW - Memorial Hospital in Nashua (gives?sells) you and your SO
    a candlelight dinner in the lounge of the maternity ward.  A friend
    that recently had this, ended up in the cafeteria because there were so
    many new parents they couldn't fit in the room!!
    
    cheers,
    jeff
    

    As said earlier, tastes vary.  Here are my reactions.
    
    Sweet sentiments that have been penned on someone's behalf by the dear
    hucksters at Hallmark Cards warm my heart about as much as frozen
    toast.  No thanks.  Chuck it out.  Better your own thoughts and words
    on the back of a used envelope.
    
    Shortly after the birth would be terrible timing from many points of
    view.  Alternatives:  1) You will PROBABLY have an extended period of
    time together in the hospital BEFORE the birth, and some of it will be
    pretty boring, if you're lucky.  This might be a nice point to
    "commemorate" the 9 months of mutual support, and the few hours of it
    left (as well as your last hours as a pure couple).  2) No matter HOW
    exhausted he turns out to be, it will probably seem real lonely when he
    leaves you and the new baby for the first time, and goes back to an
    empty house.  Having something waiting there might be real nice.
    
    Forget the impersonal cliche'd "male" gifts (bottle of scotch, wallet,
    golf gadget, . . .); those are what you give your father-in-law, since
    you don't really know him, or your new brother-in-law for being best man
    in your wedding; almost as bad as Hallmark.  Forget the cliche'd
    "romantic" gifts, too (candlelight dinner in the hospital), unless you
    really want one for yourself.  Give him something that is especially
    meaningful to the two of you, that maybe commemorates the phase of your
    life together that is ending, whether that is the pregnancy period or
    your whole pre-child epoch.  If you ask comparative strangers for
    suggestions on quite personal gifts, you will, of course, get
    stereotypes, which are mostly good for collecting dust on the mantle.
    
    But the basic idea is real nice.
    
    		- bruce

    Well, so much for the mere amatures.;')
    
    2 ideas:
    
    1) A coffe mug that says, "Worlds greatest husband" on it.  I know,
    corny, but I'd appreciate it.  (I'm a sentimental old sap anyway)
    
    2) (This is the coupe de coupe)  Compose a letter to him telling him
    how you feel and don't leave out one detail.  Put it in the fridge
    along with his favorite beverage.  Make the note a good long one.  My
    wife did this to me and I sat at home @ 2:00 in the morning, drinking a
    cold beer, reading the letter, thinking of the days events, and crying
    my eyes out.  The only bad part is that my wife a new daughter weren't
    there to enjoy the moment with me.
    
    Mike

    Almost forgot.  Have someone else (a friend or neighbor) do #2 while
    you are at the hospital.  Obviously you will have other things to
    do.:')
    
    
    Mike

    re: 231.21
    
    You know, sometimes the obvious seems to be the best choice.   What a
    great idea, and I never even thought of it.  I'm better at writing than
    I am at speaking so perhaps that's the best thing to do.  I'm sure
    he'll cherish it.
    
    I don't think I'd want to be there when he read it, I'm almost tear
    stained thinking about it now!  You talk about sentimental!
    
    

    RE-.22  It's the hormones doing flips.