Conference moira::parenting_v3

    I guess the place to start is the #1 rule ...
    
    Ensure that you condemn the action, not the child.
    
    For example, your husband told the child not to be obnoxious.  The
    kid probably doesn't understand that.  Try something more along the
    lines of "Doing xyz is very rude.  We like you, but we don't like it 
    when you are rude."  Here the child gets the right message and one
    that he/she can associate with.  Then you can try some reinforcement
    behaviour ... "If you want me to play, ask me nicely" and then be
    prepared to do so.
    
    Usually that kind of behaviour is associated with a desire for
    attention, and to them, negative attention is as good as positive,
    so they don't care.   I suspect they behave the same way for their
    parents too!
    
    Other than that, I can't think of much else you can do.
    
    Stuart

    
    Sounds like a situation I've run into lately. But in my case it's the
    parents that need the discipline! Every time a friend of mine brings
    her 4 children to visit, the two smaller children take over my house as
    if they lived there. The girl is 4 and the boy is 8. Their mother sits
    there and I do all the yelling! Don't touch that, don't unroll the
    toilet paper, please stop pulling the cat's tail!!!! And their mom sits
    there with a smile on her face......boy does that erk me! I have tried
    to explain to her that when she brings them over, to please tell them
    before hand to play nicely, but everytime it's the same thing. 
    
    I had my baby shower this past Sunday. She brought all 4 kids. The two
    little ones acted as if it were a family outing. The two older girls
    ages 12 and 14 watched the kids. Mom did not get off her but once to
    help. So there is proof that it's probably the parents that need the
    discipline sometimes and not the children.
    
    (By the way, my mother had asked her not to bring the kids to the
    shower, but she did anyway!)
    
    
    Sandy
    
    
    

    
    re.0
    
    Just tell the you folks don't like the behavior(s), be very
    specific - don't use abstract and vague words like nice or obnoxious.
    Be firm. It is really not a matter of disciplining others kids, it
    is more like telling them what your rules are!
    
    
    Eva.

    I agree with .4 -- be specific. I ran into this situation recently
    too (a friend's child being obnoxious in a bid for attention). I
    said "I don't like it when you try to put mud on my hair! Please
    stop." I said it in a firm tone. Afterwards I realized that I treat
    my own child the same way, and adults too -- as .1 said, condemning
    the behavior, not the child, using the first person instead of 
    saying "you shouldn't do that", and so on.
    
    It's hard when you feel you're doing the job of that child's parent.
    
    Lucy

    
    I read these words of wisdom in my baby milestones book the other day:
    
    "Children are disciplined by "DO" not "DON'T".
    
    Make sense?
    
    Sandy

    Children coming to my house obey my rules and I timeout.
    If I have to spend my entire time watching someone elses children
    I will make sure the children get the message that my rules apply.
    If thier mom doen't like it she can leave her children at her home.
    
    My  children follow my rules at others peoples homes and If the
    hosts/hosstess rules are more strict than mine I explain  that here
    we have a rule that we must follow if we want to be considered
    "polite guests". Sometimes a mom will ask me if it is ok for my
    children to do such and such because she notices that I wont let 
    them do it without thier permition I usually allow it as long as its
    safe(Jumping from the second floor of a condemed building was not O.Ked
    no matter how much the mother assured  me that her children did it all
    the time.)
    
    I have always had no problems with my children and my husbands family
    was surprised to find my two children (raised while I was a single mother)
    were better behaved that thier grandchildren. When I first meet his 
    family the stigma of not being married and living with him and already
    haveing two children was a big barrier for them to overcome but with
    the help of my children who did test my meddle while we were there
    we showed them that you can disipline children and still have fun
    with them.
    
    Steve has had his own problems with these same grandchildren and has
    used different methods. Some are reactionary (Spanking) and more 
    resently he is using more benificial methods.
    
    Praising good behavior and virtues and letting the child know what 
    rules exist and what will happen if the forget or blatenly disobey 
    the rules. Gental reminders are one of my more resently aquired skills.
    In the past I would time out for every infraction. My friend reminded
    me that I dont do this to my friends and that sometimes children just 
    forget. A few gental reminders and I am usually watching to see if they 
    are paying attention to me and I have timedout as soon as the behavior 
    happens again. Screaming doesent bother me and If it bothers the mom
    she can take said child home.
    
    Now the people I spend time with all have the same basic set of rules
    so if any adult sees an infraction the children involved are disiplined 
    by the adult who saw the problem and if it requires more severe
    punishment the parents of the children are consulted as to what we
    should do(i.e catching children playing with matches... serious and
    deserving of a timeout. It is not my place to say anything else to
    the child. I will discuss it with the parent so that they can deside 
    what they want to do about it. The parent can deside if this is just 
    a one time thing and give the "This could happen lecture".
    
    When a child is deliberatly hurting me or my children I will time the 
    child out and until I am finished by explaining that I will use a
    gental touch because I know it makes everyone feel good and I expect others
    to use a gental touch with me in return.
    
    Another option is making it clear that unless they do chose to
    disipline thier children you will take matters into your oun hands
    when they are around you.
    
    Janet
     

>>>>>When she continued, he pinched her.

I would be pretty that you pinched my kid. I do not mind
physically removal of the child from your space or telling him
not to do XYZ, or timing him out (make him sit down; it's the
worst punishment for my kid).

I agree positive praise is good and times are that negative
response is needed like, DON"T CROSS THE STREET WITHOUT AN ADULT!

calvin

   If it were me, I would tell the mother of the kids that her children are
   being obnoxious and annoying, and could she either discipline them or allow
   you to do so. IF that doesn't work, next time said friend suggestes an
   outing or whatever, be blunt. Say "Are you bringing those undisciplined
   ....s along?"
   
   While I respect a parents right to think that they can bring children up
   without imposing any reasonable discipline, I disagree with this philosophy
   and object to said parents allowing their undisciplined offspring to
   manipulate another adult. 
   
   I know it is a generalization, but I know that having had an appropriate
   amount of control and discipline while growing up, helped mould my
   character, and of the kids, that I went through school with, that were more
   in control of their parents than Vica versa, most are in a fairly unhappy
   state nowadays.
   
   q
   

    	If I can keep level-headed, my first reaction to someone else's
    	kids under my care (when they do something I find unacceptable)
    	is "Are you allowed to do that at home?"  A yes answer gets the
    	response "Well, you are not allowed to do that here."  A no answer
    	gets "Then why are you doing it here?"  The next time said kid 
    	repeats the act, he is dealt with in the exact manner I would deal
    	with my own kids.  I have, at times, told the kid after his first
    	infraction to ask my kids what I would do if they did it
    	themselves.
    
    	Joe Oppelt

I would be pretty MAD that you pinched my kid.
                   ^-----I left out this word.

I do not mind
physically removal of the child from your space or telling him
not to do XYZ, or timing him out (make him sit down; it's the
worst punishment for my kid).

I agree positive praise is good and times are that negative
response is needed like, DON"T CROSS THE STREET WITHOUT AN ADULT!

calvin

   
>I would be pretty MAD that you pinched my kid.
                
   Cal, Me too!!
    
    Just think of how confusing that is to a child. I would NEVER want my
    children to think that anyone has the right to hit them by virtue of
    the fact that they happened to be born a few years earlier. 
    
    re: basenoter,
       
    Shame on your husband! He sunk to the level of an 8 year old.
    
    If you have a problem with other people's kids talk to the parents
    unless you are the caregiver/babysitter. Its just not your call.
    
    Kate