Conference moira::parenting_v3

    Some observations, not necessarily my "final" thoughts on this.
    
    I do think most people think of traditions as being associated with a
    holiday, and many are. I think the point being made is that they
    shouldn't be soley associated with a hoilday. 
    
    I come from a family deep rooted in both of these types of traditions.
    We had all of our holiday ones (Christmas, New Years, Easter,
    Halloween, birthday parties, etc) and all the "made as you go along
    ones". I also come from a family where I am almost a close to my cousins 
    as I am to my sister (and not because of any other reason that much 
    emphasis was placed on the fact that family will always be there for
    you, and not just immediate family).
    
    I love traditions of all kinds and do hope the are carried on because
    they are fun and because of the wonderful memories they have created.
    I have kept old traditions alive with my family and we have started
    some of our own. I love all of our traditions because they bring about
    heart-felt emotion toward the people I was with. It isn't necessarily
    the act of baking the Toll house cookies during the first snow storm
    that I remember; it's dropping half the batch off at the neighbors and
    sitting around eating them and enjoying each other's company. It's the
    feeling I remember.
    
    I think that is the difference in the types of traditions being refered
    to and the fact that traditions don't stop (and shouldn't) at the holidays.
    
    Andrea 

My fondest memories from my childhood are of going to church on Sunday with
my family, and stopping for donuts afterwards.  And of going to the sand
dunes for family picnics in the summer, with several other families.  Those
are what I consider "family" times.  Funny thing, back then I tried everything
to get out of going because it was "no fun!"

Kristen

This reminds me of an incident from adolescenthood.  One of our family 
traditions was decorating Christmas cookies.  I grew up in Colorado Springs, 
and occasionally, my older sister would date guys from the Air Force Academy.  
One of those dates was with a visiting cadet from another country; it was on 
the night that we were decorating cookies, and we thought it would be nice to 
include him on our little tradition.  For cultural and social status reasons, 
he refused to set foot in the kitchen.  So he ended up by himself watching TV, 
while the four of us decorated cookies.  Too bad, he missed out on a good time.

Clay

    I remember and cherish the memories of staying overnight on a weekend
    or school vacation at my cousins house.  We did this regulary.  For
    instance I'd stay at her house overnight during Christmas vacation and
    then she'd stay overnight at my house during winter school vacation.
    We were reminiscing about these times recently at a family wedding
    and the funny thing is that each of us had more vivid memories of the
    times we stayed at the others house.  We both agreed that these were
    very special times and I think one of the reasons why we have remained
    close over the years.  I am not as close to other cousins of mine that
    I did not share as much time with.
    
    Today, my cousin and I both have sons that are within 2 weeks old of
    each other. (We even got to share our first pregnancies together!) 
    Even though we live about an hour apart we make a point of having 
    Frankie and Christopher stay over night at each others house
    at least once a year.  I hope they will stay close through the years
    and have wonderful memories as Carolyn and I do.
    
    This note was fun and reminds me once again how important family is!
    
    Thanks,
    
    Mary

    I tend to think that "functionality" is not a binary state, but a
    spectrum.  Most families are functional in some respects and not in
    others, and the "superficial" functionality visible to most outsiders
    can be quite misleading.
    
    But I think the basic point about family traditions is correct: these
    can be the glue that identifies and holds together a family unit,
    whether nucleur or extended, whatever its particular strengths and
    weaknesses.  And holiday rituals are probably an important part of them
    in almost all families, though perhaps in funny ways.  For example, we
    took egg decorating at easter quite seriously in my family, though I
    don't think it had any religious content in my mind at all; I sang as a
    boy soprano in a catholic church, for musicalogical rather than
    doctrinal reasons, but I didn't associate what went on there with our
    eggs.  Yet easter eggs were an important seasonal tradition in the
    family.
    
    Certainly the sense of belonging and predictability that traditions can
    provide a child can be a source of emotional security.  And I think
    this may be pretty fundamental.  Family traditions represent on a small
    social scale many of the same things that when applied to the large
    social scale we call "culture," in the anthropological sense.  Family
    rules and rituals represent collective memory, a social contract, a
    bonding mechanism, a wonderful conflict-avoidence strategy, a sense of
    a predictable future as well as an intelligable past.  And
    interestingly, in the families I have known, the traditions are not in
    any simple way provided by the "elders;" rather they evolve over time
    through the collective choices of all generations, with the kids often
    the most adament about continuing to do things the "right" way, which
    is the "old" familiar way.  I doubt that these traditions are the
    _cause_ of general "functionality" in families; but the same tendencies
    toward orderly, reasonable, behavior within the parameters of known
    rules will tend to lead both toward social functionality and toward
    family traditions.
    
    		- long winded Bruce

    I feel that it is important to have traditions in all families.
    Unfortunately in my family 'traditions' such as Christmases or
    family outings were never considered important, there was either
    apathy or it would end in arguments.  My partner and I were discussing
    this recently, and he says he feels sad because I can't really remember
    going on family outings, or Christmas time (what I do remember was
    the arguments and bad feeling on Christmas day).  He said he found
    our first Christmas together very flat because I didn't seem at
    all interested in it, but I don't think I had learned how to enjoy
    it.  I must admit I am really looking forward to this Christmas
    now we have our baby daughter, who'll be just over a year, and all
    the subsequent Christmases, birthdays and fun things you're supposed
    to do as a family.  I know I'll be making up for what I missed out
    on, I can hardly wait for Lauren to grow up, so I can experience
    all the 'family traditions' with her (and any subsequent offspring
    we may have!).  It'll be like the first time I'll experience a lot
    of these things, which will be kind of sad but happy at the same
    time.
    
    Donna

    re: .6
    
    One thing that's nice to do for Christmas is take a picture of the
    kids in front of the decorated tree.  Then on the next Christmas
    go back and look at the pictures from the years past -- it's like
    a little miniature history of braces and haircuts and growth
    stages.
    
    --bonnie

    One of the first things I learned about Pat was her family Christmas
    traditions.  They are so ingrained in her, I don't think she could ever
    give them up, and I think they're wonderful so I certainly wouldn't
    suggest such a thing.  According to my wife, you decorate the tree with
    homemade eggnog and with the Nutcracker playing.  NOT the Messiah or
    any other carols, but the Nutcracker.  That's just the way it's done. 
    She makes homemade eggnog and lots of cookies every year, and Christmas
    Eve supper is something special -- used to be cheese fondue with close
    friends, but we have since migrated to veal stew and a good bottle of
    wine.  Christmas day is the usual -- unwrap presents, have a big
    breakfast, then a late Christmas dinner with all the traditional
    dishes.  Pat makes Christmas something really special, and she does it
    by carrying on the traditions her mother started in their family when
    she was just a child.
    
    Pat's family had many traditions throughout the year; Christmas was
    just one of them.  Small things like (when the children were young and
    there wasn't a lot of money) getting in the car after supper and going
    to the train station so the kids could watch a passenger train come in. 
    Like going to ride in the car during a thunderstorm (better than
    letting the kids sit in the house and complain about being bored). Like
    going to the mountains of North Carolina for a Sunday every fall with a
    picnic lunch to spend time together as a family and enjoy the leaves
    turning.  Like a trip to the mall every year to buy Pat's sister's
    birthday present, including eating supper out with the whole family. 
    Many, many little things that sound so insignificant, but she swears
    they were (partially) the glue that held the family together and made
    them feel a unit.
    
    Steve

    re .8 --
    
    >                       According to my wife, you decorate the tree with
    >homemade eggnog and with the Nutcracker playing.
    
    That's a new twist on materials used to decorate a tree...might get
    kind of messy, though.
    
    (-:
    
    Laurie's Christmas tradition is to get all the decorating started
    the weekend after Thanksgiving.  ("Hey, if I'm going through all
    this effort, I want to enjoy it for a while..")  In my family, we
    generally waited until a week or so before the holiday, then hustled
    to get everything set up.  Unfortunately, the end of the year holds
    some sad memories -- my father passed away a couple days after
    Christmas when I was 16.
    
    
    As to other family traditions, I remember the (usually) annual extended
    family get-together most.  Cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents all
    gathered for a cookout that seemed to last an entire weekend.
    
    Also re .8 -- it seems to me that the little things -- the ones that may
    seem "insignificant" to people outside the family -- may be the _real_
    glue that holds the family together, and what makes it "my" family.
    
     -- John

    re: .9
    
    Yes, John, what you say about the simple things was the point of
    the talk I was listening to.  Most families have ways of doing
    holidays, and sometimes the more detailed and rigid they are about
    how the tradition had to be done, the less underlying warmth and
    unity there is.  Not always, but sometimes.
    
    Steve's talk about Pat's childhood drives reminds me that we used
    to go on picnics in Yellowstone Park on Sundays in the fall after
    the tourists left. We'd pile all four of us into my dad's big
    Dodge pickup (only new car we ever owned), stop at the Safeway
    store on the way to pick up a can of Spam, a box of crackers, and
    some cheese or pickles.  Half the time we'd forget a knife and my
    mother would cut the Spam and cheese with the pocketknife she
    always carried in her purse.  And we'd eat in the twilight in the
    parking lot of one of the geyser basins watching the bull elk
    wandering through the steam bellowing for a mate. 
    
    --bonnie

    bonnie's suggestion (.7) about the annual Christmas Tree Photos
    reminded me of a good example of the "small-things" completely
    non-holiday traditions brought up in the basenote.  One so mundane it
    doesn't even seem like "a tradition," yet quite evocative.
    
    On a door jamb in my utility room, I have a graphic history of my kids'
    statures.  A couple of times a year we draw lines at the level of their
    height, and write in the date and their weight.  Aaron's lines are on
    one side, Eric's on the other.  We usually spend at least a couple of
    minutes reviewing the record.  How much growth since last time.  How
    big Aaron was at Eric's current age.  How tiny Eric was when he first
    got measured.  It often leads to my telling some story about them at an
    earlier age, or their recounting something they remember.  It's lots of
    fun, and, I think, meaningful to them.  The only trouble is, if I ever
    move, I'm going to need to dismantle that door frame, and rebuild it at
    a new home.
    
    		- Bruce

We did things together a lot when I was a child, and now that we're
grown-up my 3 sisters and I still enjoy a close, and friendly relationship
with each other and our parents.  It was more than just traditions that 
did that though -- it was the love my parents had for each other & us -
the traditions were a result of that, rather than the cause.

The situation is little different for my step-children.  My husband and
I have them for the summer only, and every other Christmas.  This coming
Christmas will be the first one for us as a family.  Last summer was the
first summer together for us.  We had two special events that I hope to keep
as traditions every summer - one was to celebrate Father's day (in July).
I helped the kids make cards for their Dad, and the kids "helped" me
make a celebration supper.  As they grow older, I will probably need to 
help less with the cards and they will really be helping me with dinner - 
right now cooking takes 5 times as long with their help :-).  And we had a 
non-birthday party for everybody in the family since we aren't together with 
the children for each person's real birthday.  We send the kids a present & 
cards & call on their real birthday - this past year my husband managed to 
time a couple of business trips near where the children live close to their 
real birthdays - so this isn't a substitute, its in addition to, so we can 
celebrate each other's lives as a family.  

Something else we did last year that's on a more informal  level that we
will probably do again was to rent some family-type videos, make a big bowl
of popcorn, pull out the sleep-sofa in the den and pile it high with pillows,
and sleeping bags, so everyone could get comfy on it & we watched the videos.
I imagine that we'll outgrow this as the children get older, but it really
made everyone feel like family.

Something to start this summer, will be to remember & talk about the previous
summer - with the help of a scrapbook of photos, and the kids' art-work saved
from the last summer.

Any other divided families have things that they do to help the children
to know that they are loved and wanted even if they don't live with you all
of the time ?

Leslie

    The base note asked about disfuntional families and traditions,
    or the lack thereof.  I think my family was in the grey area - not
    entire disfunctional, but certainly not a 100% functional family
    either.  And, we didn't have any traditions that "stuck".  My mother
    would often try to start one, but something would always happen
    to prevent it (like my father's temper-tantrum, etc). I think the 
    reason traditions may happen more in a functional family is that
    the family is doing things because they enjoy being together.  In
    a disfunctional family, the disfunctionality itself prevents traditions
    from getting started and enjoyed.
    
    I'm now blessed with a husband who really enjoys setting traditions.
    What a difference!  We have traditions like Friday-night pizza,
    annual trips to Maine to cross-country ski, Easter at his parents
    house, Mother's Day at his brother and sister-in-law's house, Father's
    Day at our house.  
    
    Now that we have a little one on the way, I'm really looking forward
    to setting traditions that involve the patter of little feet!
                                                    
    -Cathy

    I can reply as one coming from a severely dysfunctional family.  I come
    from an alcoholic environment.  My parents are still active in their
    denial that a problem exists or have the desire to do anything about
    it.  Traditions?  There were none.  Everyone was too consumed with the
    dysfunctionality to start any.  It took a lot to just survive day to
    day living.  (I don't say this for sympathy, I'm just stating
    facts...I've worked through my grief on this.)
    
    My husband also comes from a dysfunctional home so we have a double
    whammy.  Starting traditions for our daughter is very important to me. 
    I make a conscious effort around holidays to make them special and
    other occasions special.
    
    A lot of times I have to stop myself and say "Hey wait a minute, that's
    old baggage you're toting" when I slip into some old parenting tapes.
    
    Remembering the environment I came from makes me very conscious of what
    damage can be done to a child.  I don't want to pass that on to mine.
    
    Susie
    

It's great to hear about families that are "breaking the chain", like Susie's!
It reminds me of the quote "We are a product of our past, but not a prisoner of
it".

I read about "ritual protected" dysfunctional families, ones where rituals and
traditions were intact, and how much better the kids did than in dysfunctional
families without those rituals, but as has been mentioned in this topic: who 
can say what was cause and what was effect?  Maybe the families that could
"afford" to keep up those rituals just didn't have problems as deep as the 
others?  By the way, the other big factor in how the kids did was the influence
of someone outside of the family, who took a special interest in them and 
served as a model. (this is why I was so into the idea of a "godparent", even in
a non-religious family, in a previous topic)

In response to a question in .0 about how people from dysfunctional familes
feel about this, our traditions are extremely important to me!  

My husband's family has so many traditions and rituals and I've heard so much
about them that I feel like I was there - so some of ours come from there.  
Others come from the best of my childhood, we sing the same lullaby that my mom
sang to us.  And we make up our own.  I guess everyone has the same three 
sources.

Now that you have me thinking about it, with all the traditions listed here, I
guess we have a pretty big range of traditions/rituals, big and very little:
	- Taking the same summer vacation every year, at my husband's family's
	  camp on a lake
	- Kids eating dinner each night using the plates that they made at
	  nursery school
	- Telling the same stories over and over (when mom ran from the booster
	  shot, when dad rode in a plane as a kid, when Sally/Kathleen were
	  born)
	- Having the same babysitter / dinner (spaghettios) / entertainment (Mr.
	  Ed on Nick at Night) for the kids when we go out  (hey, the sitter
	  thinks this is a treat - her mother won't buy spaghettios!)
	- Getting lollipops from Grandaddy every time we visit
	- Going to the Cookie Club in the middle of grocery shopping (free
	  cookie at Shaws bakery)
	- Making and delivering goodies to a neighbor, every time she delivers
	  outgrown clothes to us

As far as how we're raising our children in more functional ways, the big 
difference is that we don't have the problems that my parents had and so we
can put our "focus" on our children.  Ironically, some of the best support I
get is from my parents, who have (for the most part) recovered from those same
problems!

Thanks for the topic,

Jane

    
    This is an old note but I have been thinking about something along
    these lines....traditions.
    
    I want to start some traditions for my soon-to-be-born baby (Jan)
    
    One of my friends used to give her daughter a Pearl for every
    birthday...she now has a beautiful necklace.  
    
    Some people have made things for their children that are now
    keepsakes for their own children, etc.  
    
    My father-in-law is making me a Dry Sink and I'm hoping that someday
    my baby will use it for his own child.
    
    Does anyone have any other ideas about starting traditions for or
    maybe Keepsakes would be more appropriate for their baby?  Some 
    people save cribs, but I couldn't imagine ever having the luxury 
    of having enough space for somthing like that.  My mother-in-law
    did save my husbands child-sized rocking chair that she is giving
    me.  Unfortunately, my mom never really did any of this for me.
    
    How about scrap books...what kinds of things would be good to put
    in there?
    
    My husband has started collecting X-mas ornaments, and so far,
    every x-mas we have moved (military, you know) and we put our
    address on the bottom and the year.  I want to continue this and
    add our baby to the ornament list....
    
    It's funny how I wish my mom had started saving keepsakes or 
    started traditions with me...my child will probably think I'm
    a sentimental old mom...until he has one of his own!
    
    Kristen

    Kristen,
    There is an endless list of "Keepsakes" which can be passed on to
    children. I would say these comprise of 2 catagories.
    The first is a periodic gift to the child, much like the pearls you
    describe. From my first to my 12th birthday, mygrandmother gave me
    a place setting in silverware (she also did this for her other
    granddaughter) and for three years after she gave me other accessories,
    all to the same set.
    There is also the idea of giving something that has been in the family
    to your children (or the children of relatives) when they get older,
    for them to pass on. These could be photos, crystal, jewellery, books
    (bibles, or diaries) dishware, etc.
    In our family I am the historian, so I have an every growing collection
    of old family photographs (which I consider it to be my duty to copy
    and preserve for future children of ourselves and of our relatives),
    
    I also have the tea set that my great grandmother got from her brother
    as a wedding gift (my great-granduncle was a porcelain maker -- the
    set is hand made and in fairly good condition).
    
    I have several family hymn books (given to their owners by other family
    members on special occasion). Documents (some birth certificates, my
    grandfather's certificate for being a Master Tailor), etc.
    
    You'd be surprised how many of these things still get stuck in old 
    family attics, and they make the very very best of heirlooms and 
    keepsakes. I am incredibly proud to have these things. 
    
    The other great keepsake is a family tree. With the minimum of research
    you can often cobble together a modest family history. And if you
    have trouble, join us in the genealogy conference for some hints
    VIXVAX::GENEALOGY. 
    
    Monica
    Family Keeper of the Old Stuff
    

    My grandfather gave me an add-a-pearl necklace with one pearl at
    birth.  Each year he added one.  He died when I as five, so I had
    six pearls.  When I as 16 my dad "stole" it and caught it up (16
    pearls), and did the same when I was 21.  It is very precious to me,
    and we have done the same for both of my girls.
    
    My mom got each of us a Christmas ornament every year, and put our
    names and date on it.  When we left home she gave them all to us, so we
    had enough for our first tree.  She still gives us an ornament every
    year, and my girls get one too.  We also get one for the girls each
    year so they will have 2 per year!
    
    The "Grandmother's Book" is also a great idea.  You can find it in
    bookstores - one (or both) of your parents can fill in all that
    information and it will be treasured by everyone!
    
    Kristen

    Some ideas that I have started for my 10 month old....
    
    - a birth record book...filled out to the best of my ability and to
      include some of the following items:
    	- a copy of the family tree
    	- a copy of her birth experience (I wrote it down soon afterwards)
    - an add-a-pearl necklace
    - an X-mas ornament/year
    - an annual 'watch me grow' photo (I plan to buy an ADULT SIZED garment 
    and photograph her in it each year 'til it fits! I saw this in a magazine;
    made for a nice photo history. They used a swimsuit.)
    - I'm also starting a separate photo album with copies of special
    photos of her. (I want to keep my own, but thought she'd like this for
    herself when she's older.)
    
    Keep those ideas coming, I need more help with these too!

    Some additional items that I thought of on coffee-break...
    
    Start a 'legacy box'...(I planned to do this but stole the name from
    someone else in this file...I love it!).
    
    I plan to keep most of the storable things that I referenced in -.1
    as well as...
    	- the outfit she came home from the hospital in (my favorite!)
    	- her first hairbrush
    	- her favorite toy (a playskool rattle)
    	
    Any other ideas?

    We started a 'legacy box' for Steven.  It's about the size
    of a long storage box (the kind you store under the bed)
    
    Some of the things we have saved over the past 2 yrs are:
    
    The local newspaper from the day he was born.
    Other newspapers when significant events occur (Soviet Coup,
    Berlin Wall coming down, Hurricane Bob)
    Trinkets from trips to Storyland, Santa's Village and vacations
    His first birthday party invitation, Christmas Cards that we
    sent to family and friends (the photo kind with his picture)
    
    I also started a photo album for him.  I made sure we took a
    picture each month of his first year.  I placed these pictures
    by month on the first 2 pages of the album...it's fun to look
    back (and marvel on how small he used to be!)
    
    Steven will be 2 on Tuesday...enjoy your little one!  Time
    really DOES fly!
    
    Linda

    
    
    	An idea that I love, but takes a lot of advanced planning...  a
    	friend of a friend made a quilt for her daughter which she gave to
    	her on her wedding day.  The quilt was made of material from the
    	dresses that the girl wore on 'important' days - coming home from
    	the hospital, christenting, first dance, proms, etc.   The person
    	making the quilt had enough material to make a key, so the daughter
    	would know which square was from which dress/event!
    
        Justine

We have the newspaper from the day Michael was born.  We have a scrapbook, 
with all sorts of information about his development.  It has his first 
everything -- all the normal "firsts", plus many that don't appear in baby 
books, like the first time he said his own name, and the first time he had 
a little friend over to play, etc.  We've also kept some clothes, like the 
outfit he wore home from the hospital, the outfit he wore for his final 
adoption court appearance, his "Moose shoes" from last year (a pair of 
bedroom shoes that he just *loved* and we couldn't bear to part with), and 
some other things that have special significance.

More than anything else, we have pictures.  My wife's a pretty good amateur
photographer, and for the first 18 months or so of his life, Pat averaged
a roll a week.  She's slowed down now 'cause he's so hard to catch, but we
have literally thousands of photos, all labeled but not yet in albums. 
We're putting the ones we take now in albums, but the first 1-1/2 years of
pictures are just piled on a shelf in the study.  Pat says when Michael
starts school she'll have time to catalog them all. 

We give Michael a Christmas ornament every year.

As far as family heirlooms, the one Pat treasures most is her mother's
china.  Michael will get that, of course, as well as Pat's own china (I
guess it's really *ours*, but I think of it as hers), crystal, and silver.
He'll get the gold chain that my mother gave me when I was just a toddler,
the jewelry box that my Dad brought me from the Orient, the mahogany
smoking stand that belonged to Pat's grandmother, and the Oriental teacup
and saucer that Pat's grandmother got as a wedding present.  Not all these 
things are worth a lot of money, but hopefully they'll help give him  a 
sense of continuity that's important.

We were going to plant a tree for Michael, but living here where the phrase 
"Texas gardening" is an oxymoron (^: we decided its chances of living would 
be slim so we didn't.

We're always trying to think of other things we can do that will mean 
something to our son when he grows up.

Steve

    My sister in law kept a journal while she was pregnant and continues to
    write in it.  Expressing the excitement of the babys arrival and all
    the preparation, not to metion all the things we want our babies to
    know before they can understand what we are actually saying.  Say it in
    writing and put it with your scrapebook they will love to read these
    letters when they are older.
    
    

I did this, too.  I also write them letters and put them in their "memory box".

I also wrote a journal for my husband when we first became engaged (we were a 
long distance relationship).

I recently started one with funny things the kids come up with.  You'd be
surprised at how much humor they add to your life (and at how quickly you will
forget it).

-sandy

    Boy, this subject really hits a cord with me.  I really regret that I
    don't have too many fond childhood memories, due to our lack of family  
    traditions.  But just because of that fact, I fully intend to offer    
    Heather as much "tradition" as she can handle.  I personally feel it   
    is critical to being able to look back at one's childhood with happy   
    memories.
    
    -dd
    

    Something I'm doing for Heather is a Birthday tablecloth.  I bring it
    out at each birthday and have everyone who is at her party sign it/draw
    on it, and later I will embroider over the signatures/drawings that were
    done in ink, so it should last forever.
    
    -dd

    I love the tablecloth idea; I'm trying to remember where I 
    have heard of it before (I think it was either "First" magazine
    or "Canadian Living".). 
    
    Like I said, I really like that idea, a great keepsake!
    
    Monica