Conference moira::parenting

    
    Just yet one more example of people speaking before they think.
    
    	We are a society of automation.
    
    			Wendy

    It could be that the person has been burned once too often, by referring
    to a baby by the opposite sex.  I usually get around this by asking for
    the babies name.
    
    Meg

I agree with .2.  My guess is that they believe that the parent is less 
offended if they ask if a baby in a pink outfit is a girl than if they 
incorrectly refer to a baby boy as "she".  

To me, this mistake is somewhat understandable, since it seems to me that the 
trend has been away from dressing babies in such a way to signify their sex. 
I'll agree with you that I don't know of anyone who dresses baby boys in 
frilly dresses, but I wouldn't think it that strange for a baby boy to be in 
pink or a baby girl to be in blue, or for any child to be dressed in a way 
that's comfortable and practical.  Actually I've seen pictures of my parents' 
generation as toddlers and infants, and it was quite common for them to be 
in dresses.  I presume that's because they didn't have things like snap or 
zipper crotches, and a dress makes it a lot easier to change diapers. 
  
Compared to some other things people do, such as asking if a baby was 
planned, or asking if you WANTED a boy/girl, this one seems pretty mild to 
me.  

Clay

    I agree and don't get me wrong. This is a mild issue and comical at
    that, which is why I decided to bring it up. And I, too, at times dress 
    my daughter in clothes that could be worn by a boy or a girl. But the
    question never came up on those occasions. THATS funny! To me, I cannot 
    understand why someone would question the obvious.
    

    I try to avoid saying "he" or "she" until the parent has indicated the
    baby's sex, but I don't usually ask outright.  I think I started this
    after the time I said "oh, she's so cute!" to the mother of a baby
    wearing a frilly pink sweater, and it turned out to be a hand-me-down from
    his older sister...

			cheryl

p.s. The baby's lovely long eyelashes and relatively long curly hair made me
feel additionally safe in my assumption...

I dress my kids in loaner clothes and whatever is on sale.
I would not hesitate to put a son into a pink lacy outfit, 
or a daughter in a Red Sox sweatshirt so I assume other 
people are just as cheap as I am.

I don't, however, ask if other babies are boys or girls -
it's pretty much an irrelevant question for infants.  I
usually don't answer that one either.

Note that Elise is 3 tomorrow, and I expect sometime over
the next year gender will become more important as she
starts noticing she is female.  At that point, my
clothing philosophy will probably need to change.

Pat


P.S.  I know guys who have gorgeous eyelashes and
hair - females don't have the monopoly.

    
    It's funny, this happens to me A LOT!  My son Harry, who's almost two,
    has ridiculously long lashes, and somewhat of an elfin face, so its
    very understandable to me that people would think he was a girl.  
    I also tend to dress him in non-primary colors, such as purple,
    turquoise, etc., so that undoubtedly compounds it.  But I AM completely
    puzzled when it occurs at a moment when he's wearing a "Little Bruiser"
    sweatshirt, jeans and scuffed up running shoes.  However, I'm truly
    never insulted  --amazed maybe--  but never upset.  What upsets me are
    people who can't be bothered to say hi or wave in return to my son's
    sometimes overly friendly, enthusiastic greeting!
    
    Lynn
      

    
    I'd like someone to tell me why people respond to our
    "expecting" announcement by asking "was it planned?"....
    
    

    re: some back...  you can't tell by name either...my son is Jaime.  It
    was chosen to go 'either way', with just the middle name different,
    just in case.
    
    

My husband sees pink as white.  

- Deb (who always helps Dan buy his clothes for this reason :-)

    >>My husband sees pink as white.  
    
    And my husband has long beautiful lashes 8-) 8-).
    
    I find people who speak first and think later (or never) silly
    and somewhat amusing. If I know them, I usually point out to
    them (diplomatically) that there are better ways to express
    themselves.....Sometimes what people say is just beyond
    belief - I've only ONCE been really offended by someone's 
    thoughtlessness, and that was when a good-friend's mother-in-law
    phoned me to invite me to this friend's baby shower (her
    second). It was 2 weeks after my loss of Daniel. 
    
    Aside from that - people's mistaking gender is just silly - 
    and funny. I've done it once (I felt *SO* embarrassed, but 
    the mother took it very well).
    
    Monica 
          
    
    

    Since the huge flap over teaching boys to be 'boys' and girls to be
    'girls' is OUT because it might actually influence a child to have
    gender associated preferences I am not suprised that people aren't
    sure what the gender of the baby is, based on dress. To make an
    assumption based on the way the baby is dressed might offend some
    parents..... expecially if you guess WRONG.
    
    Yes, the above is tongue in cheek but making assumptions based on gender
    associated traits these days is risky.  'Boys want to be firemen, girls
    want to be quilters, boy babies are dressed in blue, girl babies are
    dressed in pink'.  So... the safe thing to do is to ask.  NOt that
    gender matters anymore anyway.  (yes there is a hint of sarcasm there).
    
    Laugh.
    
    Jeff
    

    re: My last .12.  In re-reading it... the last line 'not that gender
    matters anymore' could be misinterpreted by gays as being directed toward
    them.  Its not.  It was intended as a comment about what I consider to
    be the overdone lack of sex role definition.... not as a comment about
    anyones' sexual preferences.
    
    Jeff

    Gosh, All these entries have been interesting. Some people *do* ask the
    darnest questions (and to think the cliche quotes only kids doing
    this!). I too had people ask me, when I was carrying my daughter if it
    was planned. Or better yet, I used to have people ask me when we were
    going to have kids, back before we had any. This question, to me, was
    insensitive. It took us a couple of years of trying and everytime
    someone would ask I really felt like giving them whatfor. Don't people
    consider possibility of certain circumstances before asking such a 
    question, WHICH, I might add, is really none of their business in the 
    first place?? My sister inlaw has been trying for 9 years now to have a 
    child with no success. At one point, one of her co-workers was really 
    after her about "when she was going to have a baby" and "come on, come on,
    you'd make a great mom!". He was not trying to be insensitive but it was 
    hurting her just the same. Finally, one day, after asking her another 
    question of this nature, she took him aside and explained the situation. 
    I guess he was absolutely beside himself for ever asking. I'm sure he'll 
    think twice before ever asking anyone else.
    

    I agree with .14, it's the adults who ask the craziest questions.  I
    EXPECT my 19 mos old to ask WHY or her favorite lately "Where it go?"
    (complete with questioning hand movements).  For the most part, I think
    she just wants to hear me talk, so she gets a long diatribe on where it
    did go, how it got there and how we can get it back into her arms, if
    that's possible.
    
    On the adult side of things, I too, have had people refer to my
    daughter as my son while she's dressed in pink (which she looks great
    in) and lace.  I chalk that one up to people are just weird.  However,
    I've also had people ask me if my pregnancy was planned, to me that is
    just downright rude.  One of the worst was at the start of the last month 
    of my pregnancy, I carried high and right out in front (you couldn't tell I
    was pregnant from behind).  I was in a meeting with a customer and of
    course he noticed that I was pregnant.  We exchanged chit chat about my
    due date, etc and proceded with the meeting.  At the end I stood up and
    his eyes practically popped out of his head while he said "Gee, you
    looked a lot smaller sitting down, are you sure you're not due before
    May 17, you are enormous!"  It's a good thing I wasn't overly hormonal
    that day or I would have been in tears.
    
    Susan

    I've been asked these "stupid" questions by many adults:
    
    1.  "You had a baby?  How many stretchmarks did you get?"
        (Don't worry honey, you ain't ever, ever gonna see them!)
    2.  "Did your C-Section hurt?"
    	(Well, I don't know, let's take a knife, slice you across the gut
        and see how much it tickles you!)
    3.  "Your daughter's heart surgery must have been a nightmare for you!"
    	(No, actually I thought it was a great time!)
    4.  "Your daughter's heart surgery must have been really gross to look
        at."
        (Since when do you look at any type of surgery!?)
    5.  "Why did you get your daughter's ears pierced?"
        (Just to inflict pain upon her!)
    6.  "You like diet Coke?"
        (No, actually I hate it, that's why I'm drinking it.)
    7.  "How can you eat that?"
    	(Put it on the fork, open your lips, put it in, take the fork out
        and chew then swallow it...)
    8.  "Was your pregnancy planned?"
    	(I'm sorry, I didn't realize what chapter you were on in my
        biography.)
    
    
    
    

    Alas, we can ill afford to make those comments, even
    to buffoons that may ask questions like that.........
    
    A gracious answer (said in just the right tone) is often
    better revenge.
    
    Monica

Once in a while people will ask if our two kids are twins - well sort of, 
except that they were born 2 years and 4 months apart.....:-)

They both have blond hair, but my wife has dark brown hair and mine is just 
a little lighter than hers.  So, we get asked where they got their blonde 
hair.  My wife's answer usually is 'the milk man'.

Dave

For a discussion on the "rude questions" aspect of this topic, see also 
Parenting V3, note 1046.

Clay

I think people do ask questions that are insensitive as to the
implications of the questions ... Why ?  Their adult judgement is not
working full time.

Even as a father I get asked dumb questions, but I answer to the best
of my ability in case there was something they actually wanted to know
about ...

Take the example a few notes ago about stretch marks ... It is possible that
the person wanted to know because she (he) was afraid of problems with
stretch marks (for his wife) abnd wanted to know how they may have been 
prevented etc.  If it was a comparison ... then it was just plain callous.

A lot of questions are asked tactlessly about things people have some kind
of personal interest.  To take the example of stretch marks ... if the
question was phrased "I am terrified of gettign stretch marks ?  How did
you fare, and is there anyting you did special ?"  would put a whole
different picture on the question.  But poor judgement asked the wrong
question.

So, I really don't think getting up-tight about the dumb questions is
worth the effort of getting upset!

Stuart

    My cousin asked me once (just after I had Shachar):" I know your
    husband,I know you.What I don't understand is how come you have such 
    beautiful looking kids?" I thought it was silly,so the first thing that
    I could say was "well,I know your husband,he's dark morocan.How come
    you have 3 blond kids??? so shhhhhhh,you won't tell and I won't
    tell..."
    That was it. We both had a good laugh,she understood how silly she was-
    and no bad feelings.
    I only wish I had the guts to speak up even when it's not my cousin...
    I can't beleave HOW silly people can get sometimes!!!
    R/

    
    Boy is this a hot button with me.
    
    Was your pregnancy planned? - 
    
    We were married for 3 years before I got pregnant as we wanted time to 
    ourselves first and I was viewed as unlikely to have a child by many!!
    
    How long did it take to get pregnant?
    
    My best answer is "about 20 minutes" :-) 
    
    People assume we'd been trying for months/years when it fact we hit the
    jackpot the first month we tried.
    
    Oh you had a section, maybe you'll have a baby properly next time!!
    
    This makes my blood boil - I am physically unable to have a "normal"
    birth due to my size/plumbing. So I had a planned section and in the
    eyes of many of these "natural" mothers I cheated. Of course weeks of
    pain/discomfort after the section not to mention what an 8" scar does
    for your body image count for nothing!!
    
    How could you leave your child when she is so young?
    
    I came back to work as soon as I was fit - 11 weeks and Rebecca was old
    enough to go to the creche. I was climbing the walls at home in a small
    village as I was unable to drive until 6 weeks after the birth (due to
    the section). Of course the fact we needed the money and I was
    concerned about my sanity are added factors :-)
    
    How can you work and breastfeed?
    
    Well I've only fed Rebecca once in the office - on a visit whilst on
    leave :-) Folks seem to think you should switch the supply off as soon
    as you return to work!
    
    When are you having another? you are getting on you know!!
    or
    Only children are lonely
                          
    I don't need reminding about my age and the old bio clock ticking away.
    To some I say "my clock has stopped". To others "we got perfection
    first time". It's nobody's business if I have one or six children!!
    
    You are very small - at the end of my pregnancy.
    
    Yes, and so is the rest of me!! Women my size who were small at birth
    do not tend to have huge babies!!
    
    You are showing already, are you sure it's not twins?
    
    Small women show early and as I had lost Rebecca's twin at 8 weeks,
    this really hurt.
    
    How can you not give your child meat?
    
    Because 60% of the world live with little/no meat and a balanced veggie
    diet is very healthly. I don't think children like the idea of eating
    dead animals - I don't!! 
    
    The list is endless.
    
                  seals
    

    Here's another one (annoying, but laughable)...
    
    Them:  "Oh, having your first baby?, that's so nice!"
    
    Me:  "No, this is my third"
    
    Them (looking amazed): "ohhhhhhhhh" (implying, what is wrong with you!)
    
    And back to the original note, I like when people just flat out say,
    "Your baby's cute/lovable/wonderful...girl or boy?"
    
    Lesley

>A lot of questions are asked tactlessly about things people have some kind
>of personal interest.  . . . But poor judgement asked the wrong question.

Thanks for stating more succinctly what I was thinking.  And at times, I 
think that the "personal interest" may even be genuine concern for the person 
to whom the statement is made.  

>So, I really don't think getting up-tight about the dumb questions is
>worth the effort of getting upset!

I put the "rude" questions and the "silly" questions in a different category. 
The base noter, for example, thought it silly that people ask whether the 
baby dressed in a frilly pink dress is a boy or girl; her reaction was one of 
bemusement, not indignation.  It's fairly easy to act civil in such 
situtions.  On the other hand, when someone asks a rude question, like 
whether or not a baby was planned, it's much harder, and to remain silent or 
act civilly takes a good deal of effort.  Seems to me that the thing to do 
then, is just to say "that's a personal question, and I don't care to talk 
about it" or a somewhat more aggressive "I really think that's a rude 
question".

Clay

    
    The question that has really started to get to me is "Do you know if
    it's a boy or a girl?" This is driving me crazy!!!! There is no reason
    for me to have any tests done that will determine what the sex of my
    child is. When the baby is born I will find out its sex, and that's
    when I want to find out. And then when I tell people that no I don't
    know the sex there is usually one of two reactions: an "Oh, you're going 
    to wait" like it's some old-fashioned, out-dated method, or "Oh, that's 
    nice. It's nice to be surprised"...Well why did you ask then???!?!?!?!?
    Sorry, but one of these days, someone is going to ask me and I'm going
    to lose my cool, but I hope not.
    
    I personally feel that being told the sex of the child when it's born
    is the most wonderful feeling. I know some people do want to know
    beforehand what sex their child is and that's their perogative, but I
    don't have to agree with them. That's what makes this world such an
    interesting place to live. If we all believed and thought the same
    things there would be nothing to discuss.
    
    Oh well, just MHO.
    
    		Patty

    
    
    	Another reply to what is often perceived as a rude question is
    simply:
    
    	"Why do you ask?" - it allows the person to graciously retract if
    it was ill thought or to clarify if personal information is needed.
    
    			Wendy

    
    re .26
    
    >The question that has really started to get to me is "Do you know if
    >it's a boy or a girl?" This is driving me crazy!!!! There is no reason
    
    I got sick of this question too, mostly because we didn't care which.
    My answer became either:
    
    "Yes"
    
    or 
    
    "I certainly hope so, I don't know of a 3rd option"
    
    --Bob
    

    Another comment that gets me is the "Maybe you'll have a boy next
    time."  It really irks me, like there is something wrong with having a
    daughter (we wouldn't trade her for a bazillion $$$$'s) or I need to
    have one of each to be complete (or at least a son).  When the time
    comes to have another baby I just want happy and healthy the sex is
    inconsequential.
    
    Susan

    In reagards to the sex question, "do you know what it is?"
    
    	1.  well we are actually hoping for a small pony. 
    
     

    I've answered all those smart-alec replies; it works well
    if the right tone is used. 
    
    However, (sorry if this is rat-holing) Patty, sometimes 
    wanting to know the sex of the baby IS really important to the 
    parents to be. With Charlotte, I was absolutely DESPARATE to
    know, since I needed to get to "know" this child's identity
    before I met him or her - it was an outgrowth of my first loss.
    (I found out that Daniel was a boy during the same ultrasound that 
    discovered that his heart had stopped. Not a pleasant experience).
    
    
    When people asked me why I wanted to know before hand that
    that little piece of joyous news could be savoured now (sort
    of a freebee) since, at the delivery, the greater joy of having
    the child, to me, overshadows the discovery of the gender. 
    
    Believe me, when I found out, at 28 weeks that we were having
    a girl, I cried with joy for a week. It was wonderful. I think
    I still feel the same way and will ask, at the ultrasound
    (in 5 weeks) if they can tell me the baby's sex. 
    
    So, any silly question about knowing the sex can be answered several
    ways.
    Usually, I said (with Charlotte). Yes. I know. You'll find out
    later.....
    8-).
    
    Monica
    

	My mother was the first person to ask me if our second child
	was planned.  Since she's my mother, I responded "Why ?" and "
	Gee, I don't really think that's any of your business"

	I said both with a laugh, and my mother wasn't upset by my
	responses.  She said she wanted to know because she thinks
	unplanned pregnancies yield girls and planned ones yield boys.

	I guess if you look at what happened to her, and you believe the
	books on gender selection, she has a point (in trying to avoid
	conception by abstaining around suspected ovulation, my mom had
	five girls).

	Emily was confused for a boy many times as an infant, and still
	is sometimes, regardless of attire.  I guess a bob hairstyle 
	contributes to the confusion, but I don't really mind people
	asking.  (I even admit that between 5 and 9 months, she did look
	more boyish than girlish.)

	Karen
	

re: .26 
    
    Patty,
    
>>    I personally feel that being told the sex of the child when it's born
>>    is the most wonderful feeling. I know some people do want to know
>>    beforehand what sex their child is and that's their perogative, but I
>>    don't have to agree with them. 
    
    
    It's even nicer when your doctor let's you make the announcement!  I
    was the first to know at delivery and it was *very* special.
    
    beth

For a discussion on finding out a baby's sex before its birth, please see 
note 247.

Clay

    I agree with the noter who dislikes when folks say, "You'll have a boy
    next time." WHO THE HECK CARES!!! We love our little Alyssa to pieces and
    whether our next ones are boys or girls makes no difference to us!
    We'll be crazy about them too. 
    
    I suppose what people are thinking of is the legacy of a sirname. To me, a
    name is just a name but the legacy of the family is paramount. 

My first daughter Madeline has my mother-in-laws maiden name for a middle name
(which is also my wife's middle name), and my second daughter Gillian has my
wife's middle name.....so in our own little way, the sirname legacy continues.

michael

    I am on pre-emptive strikes on the sex issues, since we have 3
    daughters.  when people asked me on #3 if we were hoping for a boy, it
    was , "actually no, we have been blessed with daughters, and hope to
    continue the same track record."  This is also for people who ask if we
    will "try again" for a boy.  We weren't trying for the other kids.
    
    Meg

    Re: ignorant questions.
    
    Late in my first pregnancy, I was in the mall looking at some
    maternity clothes.  As I strolled through the store, a grandmotherly
    woman (whom I had NEVER seen before) patted my tummy and said, "My,
    we're getting big, aren't we."  Without even thinking, I snapped,
    "Lady, I won't always be pregnant, but you'll always be an @@@####."
    
    Sort of makes you wonder who's the ignoramus in this little scene,
    doesn't it.
    
    But it used to drive me totally BONKERS when people would see me and
    the children and say things like, "Oh, how nice! A boy and a girl. 
    I guess you're done now."  "Are you breastfeeding?"  "Was it planned?"
    I mean, my mother-in-law wwanted to know if I was going to have my
    tubes tied after Hollis was born, and I didn't mind saying that I
    didn't know what I was going to do.  But total strangers!!!! 
    AAAUUGGHHH!!!
    
    Excuse me.  That feels *much* better.
    
    I think what we're seeing here is the old, "if a little is good, a lot
    must be better."  Remember the days when words like "pregnancy" and
    "cesarean section" were whispered?  I certainly don't want to go back
    to those days on the one hand.  On the other hand, I believe people are
    confusing brutal honesty with friendliness/intimacy.  It's what I call
    TSS -- Talk Show Syndrome.
    
    Sorry, major hot button and serious soapbox stand....
    
    Yours for a little less curiosity,
    Kate

    Sounds to me like most of the people in this file are pretty anti-
    social.  For the most part, I never minded when people asked me about
    my pregnancy or my little girl when she was first born.  I loved the
    idea of being pregnant and I love the idea of my little girl so if
    you or your brother or anyone else would like to comment on how
    cute my kid is etc, I'd be glad to hear it.  As for the other comments,
    EVERYONE says them, almost like 'Hi and how are you today'.
    
    So, are they really ignorant questions people are asking?  Or is
    it the just the nice lady/man/person inquiring about your children
    or pregnancy?  Being Friendly?  I know you aren't supposed to 
    be friendly anymore because that's BAD - but can someone tell me
    why?

    re. 39 
    
    I think you're missing the point behind people not appreciating other
    people's (and a lot of them are strangers) questions.  It's the
    PERSONAL aspect of the questions I object to, the "Was it planned" in
    my mind, and it seems most others, that intrudes in an area where noone
    but the parents belong.  What difference does a planned or not so
    planned pregnancy make to anyone else, my reproductive life is my own. 
    Now if you want to ask me when I'm due, is this my first, how have I
    been feeling, then be my guest.  If you want to comment on my
    daughter's gorgeous blue eyes or how smart or good she is (things that
    are obvious to me 8^) ) please do!  I don't think anyone minds a little
    friendly conversation, pregnant women and babies are joyous things, but
    personal questions and pointless/rude comments are not.

    Maybe it comes from living in New England for 10 years. :-)  I'm
    from Pennsylvania originally and have spent a fair amount of my
    adult life in the South.  
    
    But I think .40 is right on.  I don't mind if anyone asks me how
    I'm feeling, is (was) this my first, I didn't even mind when people
    asked me if I knew what sex the baby was (or, later, if they couldn't
    tell whether s/he was female/male.  Hey, everyone makes mistakes. :^)).
    In a way, I didn't even mind the breastfeeding question.  I'm pretty
    friendly, after all, even with people I don't know.  But enough
    already.  Some questions shouldn't be asked.

    
    Agreed as well - I don't think the blanket remark about
    everyone here being antisocial is a very accurate one. There 
    are MANY ways of being friendly to a stranger that don't involve
    prying, inappropriate questions. Smiling is a great introduction
    for instance. I try that on first, if the pregnant woman or the 
    parent and young child do not respond or do not make any eye contact,
    I know right away, that socializing is not appropriate. I would
    NEVER consider being touched on the belly by a stranger a polite
    beginning to conversation!
    
    While some of the discussed remarks are hot-buttons to some, others
    may consider them silly, or don't mind answering them at all.
    
    "Was it planned" was never a question I was asked, but in my
    case I would probably laugh (even though I know that that's not
    a very polite question) and tell them yes. 
    
    "What are you hoping for" I've got that one already and I will be
    honest to say a healthy child - as far as gender is concerned,
    emotionally I'd like a boy (for the boy I've lost) but economically
    I'd love another girl (for the ton of pink clothes in the closet!)
    
    The comments about size are also treated with laughter, since i am
    a large boned woman and we make BIG babies. So, I'm HOPING that I
    am big. But I can surely understand that there are women who would 
    find this comment very very rude and personal.
    
    BTW, just the other day, when Charlotte was at the salon to get
    her mop cut (one of those family haircut places) I had
    someone check with me (politely I might add) whether she was a boy
    or a girl. I was a bit surprised since this has not happened to me
    since she was only weeks old. (And I figured the Pink turtleneck
    was a giveaway). However, since the hairdresser was so gracious
    and careful about it (Oh, now, if I call this boy a girl, the mom
    will have a fit!) that I could only laugh.
    Ironically the haircut she gave Charlotte definitely makes her look
    more boyish.
    
    Monica
    
    
    

    Reading this note over the past few days has made me feel that as a
    group, pregnant PARENTING noters are a pretty thin-skinned bunch!
    
    Okay, "Was this baby planned" is inexcuseable, unless maybe a close
    family member is trying to tease you.  And patting *anybody's* belly
    without permission is pretty rude, IMO.  But I really don't understand
    what the big deal is when someone comments on how big you're getting! 
    That's the POINT, isn't it??!  I know, there's no direct correlation
    between waist expansion and fetal health, but I do think it's a sad
    commentary on the American body-shape fixation that pregnant people get
    bummed out/POed when it's mentioned conversationally that they're getting 
    *big*.  (When people said that to me, I was always thrilled to have the
    topic opened; I could boast or commiserate, depending on my mood. 
    Nobody called me huge to insult me; I called myself a beached whale and
    was *delighted*.  It's not like you stay that way the rest of your
    life.)
    
    And now I really feel like avoiding making any comment at ALL about an
    obvious pregnancy, because it seems that no comment would be truly
    innocuous.  We've learned that it's offensive to ask whether the
    parents-to-be know the sex (not ask what the sex is, mind you, but just
    whether the *parents* know).  We can't ask what the parents are "hoping
    for", and by extension I suppose we can't ask what the older siblings
    are hoping for, or even if the sibs are excited ("of COURSE they're
    excited, what a stupid question!").  The nursing/bottlefeeding debate
    is too personal; possible names for the baby NOMB....  Well heck, enjoy
    your "confinement" and when you produce the small new person, I'll talk
    about him/her if and when *you* broach the subject!
    
    Leslie

    
    "Boy, are you getting *big*!" wouldn't bother me...
    
    But, what I got the other day did! -->  "Are you getting fatter?"
    
    I'm not fat, I'm pregnant, was the response.  Didn't seem to sink
    in.  "No, your getting fatter!
    
    

    .43 - right on!  I agree.  I have noticed that there are a lot of
    thin skinned people in this file too.
    
    When I was pregnant - I loved being pregnant - minus the getting sick
    EVERYday for 9 months thing and I loved talking about it.  I was 22
    years old, single, in debt and NO she wasn't planned.  For 9 months
    I called myself the 'Walking abortion/adoption debate', because I got asked
    quite a few times by friends and some family, some people that I harldy
    knew, why I didn't chose an alternative method.  I'd just tell them
    that this was how I was doing it and we'd usually get into some pretty
    good debates that started there and ended maybe on politics....It
    didn't hurt my feelings.  I believed strongly in what I was doing..
    Maybe that's why.
    
    FWIW - her dad used to call me sea cow...So what - I looked like one
    :^)
    

    Re: .43
    
    	I do not consider myself thin-skinned. I love to talk about my
    pregnancy: How I feel, how it's different/same as the first, do I have
    a preferance for a boy/girl, names for a boy/girl, yes I'm really
    showing now, etc.
    
    	There are just some things that should be let to rest. I was the
    one who originally made the comment about getting sick of the "Do you
    know the sex of the child question". The question in and of itself does
    not really offend me, it's peoples reaction to my answer that I don't
    know and won't until the baby's born. Everytime I talk to my in-laws
    they ask though I have repeatedly told them I'm not having any tests
    done that would conclusively tell me. And when I tell them this they
    make a comment about it being nice to be surprised...well then why do
    they ask!!! Or when I answer to somebody else that no I don't know the
    sex, etc, and they ask more questions about, well aren't I curious,etc.
    Of course I'm curious, but that's half the fun. I have never lost my
    temper at anyone that has asked an inappropriate question. Not even the
    woman who commented on my getting fat, I said no I was pregnant,she
    said well, the end result is the same...Not really.
    
    	Maybe I'm taking your note a little too personally since I feel I
    started the controversy, but hey, the hormones are raging out of
    control. Maybe what I (and maybe others) am asking is for others
    (especially strangers) to be considerate when asking questions about a
    woman's pregnancy. Not all women want to talk about it for their own
    personal reasons. And if you do ask a question and don't necessarily
    agree with their answer (they do/don't plan to find out the sex of
    their unborn child or they do/don't plan to breastfeed) leave it at
    that. If the pregnant woman wants to discuss the reasons behind her
    answer she will otherwise leave the question as answered.
    
    Patty
    

    
    Some things are TOO personal - only my partner and doctor/midwife
    touched my tummy!!
    
    Sometimes you just don't want to share the knowledge - we were 95% sure
    I was carrying a girl given the number of scans I'd had and how they
    kept talking about her when they discovered her transverse breech
    position. But kept quiet about the sex until D-day. 
    
    This business of not being complete unless you have one of each is
    crazy. My partner's dad was very upset at having a 3rd grand daughter -
    he only communicates with his grandsons, but that's his problem.
    
    New parents are not thin-skinned, they just want some respect and
    privacy in what has become very public issues these days. 
    
                seals
    

    re .39 and .43
    
    I don't think it's about being thin-skinned or anti-social, it's about
    what's motivating the questions directed at pregnant women...
    
    ..like if the person's making a judgement...
    "You're having THREE kids?!"
    
    ...or giving unwanted advice...
    "Dangle a needle over your belly, and mix your urine with drano and
    you can find out the sex of the baby"
    
    ...or just being plain rude...
    "Boy you're getting fat" (translated "that's more fat than baby")
    
    This is what upsets us...I also loved being pregnant (all 3 times) and
    loved the sharing and concern of people, as long as the remarks didn't 
    stray into the above three categories!
    
    Lesley

	Another non-thin-skinned person here...

	Ask anyone around me, I love to talk about my pregnancy.  I talk
	about it all the time.  I don't mind most questions.  I don't
	feel it's appropriate to ask me if my pregnancy was planned.  I
	don't appreciate being told I'm huge, but I can laugh at it.  It's
	a sore spot because I began my pregnancy 20 pounds overweight, and
	the implication of "huge" to me (especially coming from other women
	that have had children) is that I'm larger than I'm supposed to be
	for my seventh month of pregnancy, thus, I'm not only pregnant, but
	fat (ie, I have some control over my size).  I don't, it's all baby.

	Leslie, I don't really think it's what you ask, it's how you ask
	it.  I've never gotten offended by well-intended remarks, but I
	do mind judgemental comments.  The same question can have either motive;
	the tone of the question usually gives it away.

	(re: judgemental comments - most people assume we're "finishing-up"
	our family with this second child.  My husband and I feel like we're
	just starting it, and hope to have more.  You should hear the comments
	we get on that!)

    
    	I think that there is another factor here.
    
    	All of our lives, women are trained to not use sexuality in the
    workplace, it is not appropriate and now we even have laws protecting
    us from other's sexual harrassment.
    
    	Enter pregnancy. Probably the most visible sign there is of
    sexuality. EVERYONE KNOWS HOW YOU GOT PREGNANT, the "dirty" thought
    becomes a reality. No one can ignore that you have become "sexual".
    
    	In essence this allows people to start talking about issues that
    before your pregnancy were taboo. It's too obvious to ignore and people
    start using pregnancy as an outlet of sorts for venting sexual
    comments.
    
    	Only problem is though, that women (who are used to not having to
    deal with this work sexuality) have very little time to get used to
    this. Nine months is really just a speck, isn't it? It runs
    counter-point to all we have strived for.
    
    	But yet we must endure it, because that is the way it is.
    	
    	Although I don't enjoy being pregnant (a necessary evil in my
    book), I do remember having somedays when I could recognize this and
    deal with it better than other days. I also got asked those questions
    about "leaking", my breasts, my cervix, my weight gain, my decisions,
    etc, things that would have NEVER even been broached had I not been
    pregnant.
    
    	There were times I just didn't like being so open to sexual attack
    (and that's how it felt sometimes).
    
    	No on eis being thin skinned, people are just trying to cope with
    changing rules.
    
    				Wendy
    
    	
    
    	

    I can't remember 1 time in my life where I looked at a pregnant woman
    and thought, "Look at her - SHE did the DIRTY deed?".  
                
    

        .51   I remember when I was 20 going on 21 and having my first baby,
    A guy was waiting at an elevator with me and said "I know what you've
    been doing!" He had a big grin on his face , but my face was purple. I
    didn't say a word because I was so embarrassed.
    
       Rose

    Now a days you can't even assume that sex took place what with IVF and
    GIFT, ok you probably can, but you can't assume that the pregnancy was
    the outcome of it.
    
    I have to say that a lot of it is the tone people use, some people make
    it judgemental.  I would also never touch another person unless invited.  
    Noone would think of patting my stomach now and saying what a flat stomach 
    you have, what makes it ok for someone to pat my stomach while I'm pregnant?
    
    Pregnancy is definitely a public thing, I certainly couldn't hide it
    (nor did I want to), but just because I was pregnant doesn't mean that
    you have access to private things.
    
    Susan

    
    <-- Yes, but now there are other options besides the old fashioned way!
    
    

    I don't know, maybe I'm thick-skinned but most questions that people
    ask don't bother me.  I think "Was it planned?" is definitely nobodys
    business but our own.  I guess I like to give people the benefit of the
    doubt and look for the good.  
    
    One question that I no longer ask people is "Is this your first?" 
    Since we lost our first I really feel like I'm put in an awkward 
    position sometimes.  I don't want to say that it is our first because 
    it's not (it feels too much like I'm denying her existence).  But if
    you answer no to the question it is almost always followed with "What
    do you have?".  It's kind of a bombshell to drop on people when they
    are just being friendly.  My husband also has difficulty knowing how to
    handle this situation.  
    
    Sometimes people ask questions that just make me laugh because they
    don't make any sense in my mind.  My husband went to line dancing
    lessons the other night and I couldn't make it because I had to work
    late.  He said everyone was coming up to him and asking if I had had
    the baby.  I'm only 5 months along and I'm not really that big (I've
    only put on 7 pounds so far), depending on what I wear sometimes you
    can't even really tell I'm pregnant.  I suppose I could have gone to
    the extreme and let it bother me that people thought I looked big
    enough to be ready to have the baby but instead I just thought it was
    nice that people cared enough to bother to ask about me.  (Of course my
    husband was somewhat bothered that everyone was asking him about me and
    didn't even mention that they were glad that he was there 8*))

I think Wendy brings up an excellent point.

With regard to the questions about knowing the sex, I think that another 
factor is that there is a "politically correct answer", namely that it 
shouldn't matter, but there are many couples who really DO care, along with 
variations, such as one spouse caring and the other not, or one spouse 
wanting a boy and the other a girl.  Thus many people have to either respond 
dishonestly, or feel they are risking censure from some people.

I think also that pregnancy brings with it not only "raging hormones" but 
also fatigue, and both of those things can "thin your skin."  For example how 
often does a man or a non-pregant woman hear "how are you feeling?"  A couple 
times a day, maybe, and rarely after the first thing in the morning.  But I 
could imagine a pregnant woman getting sick and tired of even a sincere "how 
are you feeling" when she hears it for the twenty fifth time, at four o'clock 
in the afternoon (especially if she's feeling crappy).

I look on "stupid" questions (typically with an obvious answer) as "feelers" 
as to whether the person wants to talk about it.  This applies not only to 
questions about pregancy, but also to others; for example an earlier note 
mentioned "your daughter's heart surgery must have been a nightmare for you". 
That's one I've been through, and yes, of COURSE it's not a pleasant 
experience.  But with a statement like that I can either reply and elaborate 
or I can reply in a way that makes it clear that I don't feel like talking 
about it.

Leslie, you mentioned that you're now gunshy about saying anything, so you 
might say nothing.  In the discussion in V3, one note mentioned that a woman 
was angry with the noter because the woman was obviously pregnant, and the 
noter had said nothing about the pregancy.  So maybe you can't win.

Clay 

    re: .55
    Don't feel alone in not knowing what to say when you have 
    experienced a perinatal death - It screws up the count, and it
    makes it difficult to explain in 10 words without baring your
    soul to stranger who probably didn't want the information anyway.
    Tell your husband to go with his gut feelings with this:
    
    Is this your first Child? Yes, this will be the first (since 
    when the person says "child" they mean live birth).
    Is this your first pregnancy? No. If they go further to ask
    what you had, say a girl. If they pry any further (and you
    DON'T feel its their business) tell them that she has died. 
    That will shut them up.
    
    Conversely, you can explain at length to anyone you feel
    comfortable with, if you are in the mood to talk about it.
    
    As I said, once the count is screwed up, this will always be
    an issue in every subsequent pregnancy, because everyone
    who's not been exposed to perinatal or infant death believes
    that one pregnancy = one live child. It confuses people to no
    end when I say this is the third pregnancy in 4 years, and yet
    I have one toddler at home. 
    
    (Last time I asked someone if it was their first was just a couple of 
    weeks ago - we were chatting about our pregnancies, and even though
    I had explained to her about loosing Daniel, I was very very hesitant
    to reciprocate and ask HER if it was her first. IT WAS REALLY HARD!)
    
    And before I get people telling me it was impolite to ask, the 
    conversation focused on what we can expect in terms of making it
    past our due dates. Neither of us as it turns out know what to
    expect, since I was induced twice, and it is indeed, her first 
    child. 
    
    Monica
    

	By the way, it's perfectly ok for one pregnant woman to 
	touch another pregnant woman's belly.  I know, because I very
	nearly did this today ... ;-)

	Karen

You've already delivered.  It doesn't matter whether it was 2 days or 2
months ago, and someone will ask sweetly:

    "... so when are you due?"


AAARGH!!!
   

    I'm not pregnant, but have been receiving the same question often
    lately that really bothers me.
    
    I have one son that's almost two, so people keep asking/telling me
    that it's "time to have another one", or "are you trying to have
    another one..." "When do you plan..."
    
    You get the picture.  It really bugs me because I have been thinking
    about it a lot lately, but my husband only wants one.  I always 
    wanted two kids and about 3 - 4 years apart so I'm hoping to change
    his mind sometime soon.  However, these comments just remind me of
    the situation and make me feel uncomfortable.
    
    Gail              

    re:.60  How about # two?

     Before we were married, it was "When are you getting married?".
     Before we had our first, it was "When are you going to have kids?".
     Before we had our second, it was "When are you going to have another?".
     Before we had our third, we heard both:
           "You are done, aren't you?"
           "When are you going to have another?"
 
        When we told people we were expecting the third, we heard:
            "Are you crazy?"

      We haven't heard any more questions lately (or I haven't been
    listening! 8-).

      I think there will probably always be someone who asks why you
    do/don't have more (or any!) and it can get to you.  I usually turn it
    into a joke or turn the question around on them by telling them that
    I'll have another right after they have more than me.  (That doesn't
    work with everyone, but it does quiet most people! 8-)



     John

   Yep... people often speak before engaging the brain... :-)
   
   We have 3 kids under the age of 5, and another on the way.  We've been
   asked several variations of the following...
   
   o Still trying for a boy?  (personally, I really don't care, but
     everybody else seems to think I should..)
   
   o Are you crazy?  (yes, but what does that have to do with it?)
   
   o Haven't you figured out what causes this yet?  (nope, I think its
     related to how often we re-org at work!)
   
   o Can't you keep your pants zipped?  [ directed at me, of course, as
     if Brenda didn't have any say in this ]  (makes it tough to take a
     shower, especially now that the weather's getting colder..)
   
   Brenda is 5' tall, and has always looked younger than her age.  She's
   told me that when she's out alone with the kids (and is now visibly
   pregnant) she doesn't get many comments, but does get all sorts of
   strange looks from people walking by.
   
   At least our respective parents have finally stopped getting upset
   about stuff like this... 
   
   Oh well...  one thing I've learned is that it doesn't serve any
   purpose to worry about what others think... especially when so many of
   them don't!
   
   Peace,
   
   - Tom
   

    Tom,
    
    Try it with three kids ranging in age from 19 to 8 to 7 months.  If my
    oldest is carrying Atlehi, she gets pitying looks from strangers who
    apparently think she is a teen mother.  None  seems to be willing to
    ask her who the baby is and belongs to, however.   
    
    Do I get the "Are you nuts!?" statements?  Yes, frequently.  Not many
    people understand spacing kids out as far as I have.  (Sometimes the
    thought that I will spend over 40 years of my life raising children is
    a little daunting)
    
    "Why did you space them out this far?"  Runs in the family like irritable
    bowel syndrome.  My brother and I are 14 years apart, my mother and her
    next sister are 12 years apart, and her youngest 1/2 brother is 54
    years younger than she is.  My brothers kids are 12 years apart, and
    "late-life" babies run in the family in both my mother and father's
    family.  Alternativly my answer is that it gives each of our kids a
    chance to be the baby.
    
    Meg
    
        

    
    Why can't people accept the "only child we will be having" sentence?
    
    This is my first, and my last.
    
    

    Try to listen to the same queston----in Hebrew.... (we use more words
    for the same sentence...) 
    I,too,had 2 kids in less than 16 months.Not just that-but Yahli was
    born 7 months after the wedding...
    I don't care much if a friend is asking,but if a stranger does-I get
    REAAAAAL nasty. One question I LOVE is "nuuuu,when's no.3?" to that I
    put on my saddest face and say "we wish we could,but the doctors won't
    let me have another one" and wait to see the "simpathetic" (pathetic,if
    you ask me..) look,with "ooohhhhh, *I*'m sorry (as if it's thier
    fault..)
    And you should have seen the finger-counting that went onafter I had
    Yahli...my mom's friends were sure Yahli was a pretimer... I am sure
    glad my mom is more clever...
    r/ 

I was asked several times during my pregnancy if this was my first.  I always
wanted to answer no, because I gave a baby up for adoption when I was 16.  I
wanted to tell people that I wasn't afraid of labor because I had been though it
before, but I couldn't do it because I didn't want to trigger questions about
how I got pregnant when I was 16 or why I didn't have an abortion.  Because of
this and my Mother going through several miscarriages after my sister (who
happens to be 16 years younger than me) I never ask if this is your first child. 
What does it matter anyway?  I always thought it was so all the know it all
mothers could give alot of unwanted advice, but now I really think it just
doesn't matter.

I thank God everyday for my son, but I also thank God that I did the right thing
and gave my daughter up for adoption, to parents that really wanted her instead
of screwing up her life because I wanted to raise her myself.  Regrets?  I don't
know, but I know I am better parent now than I would have been at 16.  

There is so much of this that happens everyday.  I wish people would just take a
few seconds to think about what they are asking before they open their mouths.


Ok, I am off my soapbox now, thanks for listening.


Katie

    Well there hasn't been much action in this note for a while let me 
    start it up again.
    
    The question that irks me the most is: Are you coming back to work?
    When I tell someone yes (especially older folks) I usually have to 
    listen to  sermon on how evil it is for a woman to work. I guess some
    people don't understand the concept of paying a mortgage. I've started
    asking some if they would like to pay my mortgage, no takers yet.

    re: Coming back to work

    No offense to woman not returning to the work force, but those of us
    who have every intention of continuing on...

    "No, Jon and I will be quitting work and going on welfare"
    "Yes, assuming that my key card works"
    "Yes, but not necessarily here"

    I don't think the work question is quite as inane as others such as 
    "How are you feeling?" With my hands
    "What do you want?"  A winning lottery ticket
    
    
     

    
    
    How about finding smart and polite answers to these
    questions?
    
    I am curious what would be a gentleperson's version
    of "It is none of your business."
    
    I got asked all the time if I only have ONE kid,
    or how can I have only ONE kid or when I'll have more
    kids, it's like having only ONE kid is something bad. 
    I am torn between saying "Well, I hate kids, so ONE 
    is more than enough!" or telling the truth "My second 
    kid died. Why do you want to know, anyways?"
     
    This woman down the hall stopped by one day when I
    took my daughter in to work with me. She asked me
    in front of my daughter, 9 years old, if I was having 
    any more kids. I was getting kind of pissed and my 
    daughter was staring at me. I kind of just mumbled
    something like "Haven't thought about it...". I 
    didn't want to chew this woman head off in front
    of my daughter. I wished I had this great ladylike
    way of telling her to shove it.
    
    Any ideas?
    
    Eva
    
    

    How about "Why do you need to know?". Not all that polite but would get
    the message across.  or "Not in the next 9 months"

( re:.69    
>    I am curious what would be a gentleperson's version
>    of "It is none of your business."
)

"Well, why do you ask?"  (asked with an air of great bemusement).

She points out that this usually flusters the questioner enough to make
him/her stop to think about the rudeness/inappropriateness(is that a word?)
of the question.

Bobbi

Re. 69

Eva,
I think that sometimes people ask what they think is a
simple/innocent question that may be "loaded" or perceived as 
rude due to our own experiences of which maybe the person who
asks know nothing about.

I myself came to think more about this after my sister died.
The question "Do you have any sisters and brothers" that I
previously thought nothing of, and happily answered, suddenly
became more complicated.

-"No I dont" is the truth really, on the other hand does
not acknowledge that my sister was my sister for 27 years
- "Yes I did" would acknowledge her, but also, requires some
additional information that/why she is no longer living. I
rather not discuss this with just anyone. 

I basically handle it on a case by case basis.

I can appreciate that people think it an innocent question, as
I did, until a few years ago.

/Malin

    My sister-in-law replies with "Why are you asking me that?"
    to almost any question.  "Hi, how are you?" "Why are you asking me that?"

    It can sound REALLY paranoid...and sometimes is.
    bob

    
    	I don't understand why "How are you feeling" is considered rude.
    	I never was insulted when asked that question, and ask pregnant
    	women myself.
    
    	Karen

    Dear Abby or one of them has a polite answer to rude or
    insensitive questions...
    
    (Said with a sweet smile)
    
     "I'll forgive you for asking if you'll forgive me for not
    answering"
    
    Noc

>    	I don't understand why "How are you feeling" is considered rude.
>    	I never was insulted when asked that question, and ask pregnant
>    	women myself.

    Perhaps my note was not clear.  My Sister/Law seems suspicious
    about ANYTHING you ask.  Think of any question at all...'How
    do you like this weather?', 'How was your weekend?', 'Can you
    come over for dinner next week?'...ANYTHING

    and she gets squinty eye'd and asks 'Why do you want to know', or
    some such response.

    This string reminded me of her paranoid behavoir.

    I agree that some questions can be incredibly rude...our most common
    one in front our kids (three of whom are adopted) is 'So, which
    one is yours?'

    Not sure there is any good response for a rude question other than
    a pretty direct answer.

>    	I don't understand why "How are you feeling" is considered rude.
>    	I never was insulted when asked that question, and ask pregnant
>    	women myself.


    I don't find this question to be rude, but on occasion it's just plain
    annoying. At work there are people who have not previously given you
    the time of day are looking at you in earnest "How do you feel?". And
    then proceed to do this each and every time they see you , even if it's
    2-3 times a day. I think " How do you feel" is the pregnancy equivalent
    of "how are you doing", it's trite, and most of the askers don't really
    care.
    
    Gail

    Or.....how about after you have had your baby and people ask "how did
    it go?" / "how was it?" If thats the most inappropriate question to ask
    someone.  I remember someone here at work saying to me "give us a call 
    after you had the baby, I want to hear all about it"  I found that very 
    strange.
    
    And the ever so popular, "are you going natural", "do you plan on
    taking drugs", "do you plan to nurse"?
    
    
    

   Sometimes, people are just curious.  And sometimes, there's something
   about you that a person (maybe only just recently) discovered about you
   that they can connect to.  I rarely approach people, even people I see
   every day.  On some particular day, I may recognize something about them,
   such as being pregnant, that I can identify with, and so I approach them
   with a question that may appear stupid to the answerer, but is really a
   way for me to test the waters.  Are you someone I can connect to by
   conversation in a meaninful way?  Or are you just going to brush me off?

   And, like everyone, I'm curious.  I had my children this way (or ways). 
   The people I know had their children in thus and such way.  How about
   you?  Do you fit the patterns I already know, or will you tell me
   something different, new, or interesting?

   Granted, some people are rude and uncaring, but my guess is that most
   people are simply, humanly curious and want that "touch", that
   connection, and most often approach this quite awkwardly.


   							Terza

re: .79

>Granted, some people are rude and uncaring, but my guess is that 
>most people are simply, humanly curious and want that "touch", 
>that connection, and most often approach this quite awkwardly.

re: .72

>I think that sometimes people ask what they think is a
>simple/innocent question that may be "loaded" or perceived as
>rude due to our own experiences of which maybe the person who
>asks know nothing about.

Nicely and eloquently put.  Sometimes when I read through these notes I get
afraid to say ANYTHING.  These two concepts are reasons that I think it's
best not to reply with a "put down" type of comment, but instead some
indication that you'd rather not talk about it, if that is the case.

To some "How did it go", "how was it", "are you going natural", "do you plan
on taking drugs", or "do you plan to nurse", "do you plan on having another"
are irritating questions to some.  Yet I remember discussing all those
questions, or very similar versions of them, many times.  Of course, I'm the
dad, so it's different; but I also remember my wife discussing them with
friends or acquaintances.  This is not to say that there is anything wrong
with someone who is bothered by those questions.  It IS to say that I don't
think those questions are per se rude questions, deserving of a demeaning
response.  So I'd suggest that the best response is a simple indication that
you prefer not to discuss that.  And I think that discussing "I wish I had
said . . ." or "it irritates me when people ask . . . " in this notesfile is
a great way of diffusing some of that irritation.

In the situation that got this note started again -- "are you going back to
work," it seems to me that it is the REACTION to the response or the
judgmental reason for which it is asked, not the question itself, that is
the problem.  Oftentimes that question is asked with no such judgmental
intent, and a more reasonable reaction to the response.

I most certainly do concede that there are some comments that are rude under
ANY circumstances, like Bob's example of "So which ones are yours, when one
or more of the children are adopted.

Clay

    I am a very open person and had no problem telling anybody who
    asked about my labor (although I didn't explain the 4th degree
    tear to mere acquaintances).  I like sharing information about
    myself so long as other people do not try to impose their values
    on me.  When people asked if I was returning to work and then
    didn't like my response of yes, I cut the conversation very
    short.  If they had a major problem with my plans for an	
    epidural, another short discussion.  As long as people respect
    my choices of how I live my life, I don't mind talking to them
    at all.  Otherwise, butt out!

    However, since I am a very open person, I am also one of the
    curious who ask questions that others may find intrusive.  A
    coworker of mine shared the same due date as me last year.  She
    really did not want to discuss her pregnancy with me even 
    though we saw each other every day.  That could be because the
    members of our group were comparing us (which I did find annoying).
    After her baby was born though, she was more interested in sharing
    information with me.

    Karen

    
    Well .... I got some of 'em back for you .... when asked "So, how did
    it go", I explained EXACTLY how it was, and to childless
    friends/relatives, they got all the incredibly painful details, and
    were kind of sorry they'd asked.  I know my sister's having second
    thoughts of ever having kids.  But I did warn them - when they asked, I
    replied with "Well, do you REALLY want to know?" ... curbed a few
    people.  And definitely prepared a friend of mine who'd only ever
    really heard "Well, yeah, it hurts, but you'll get through it fine".
    Not that I disagree you'll get through it, but I don't think anyone
    does anyone any favors by downplaying the 'hurt' part.  OUCH!!!!!!!!
    
    And I agree that most people are just curious - keep in mind they're
    not being asked the same question 40 bazillion times by all different
    people.  From their perspective, they're the first person to ask you,
    and expect you to react accordingly.  Most people (except those that
    have been there) don't think for a second that their curiousity might
    be perceived as annoying.
    
    -Patty

    Patty,
    
    One nit, for some of us, the pain isn't that bad.  I'm one of those who
    might unintentionally mislead people, because except for learning to
    deal with back labor, I have easy births, and no gory details on it.  
    
    (Now as to post partum problems, I do have quite a list that could curl
    hairs)
    
    meg

    Meg,
    
    REALLY?!?!?!?!?????  Well, then perhaps I was (unintentionally)
    mislead.  I was laying in bed this morning with a wicked toothache
    thinking "Gawd I can't BELIEVE how much this hurts!", but as soon as I
    started thinking about how I made it through the pain of labor, my
    tooth didn't seem so bad (-:
    
    I can't imagine that it might not hurt.  WOW!
    
    POSTpartum problems couldn't even begin to compare - even with a
    uterine infection that went undiagnosed for so long that I couldn't
    even walk - that was a breeze compared to labor.  Of course I think
    part of my problem was that I was under the impression that the
    delivery would be what would kill, and the contractions would be a
    little beyond uncomfortable.  The delivery itself was a cinch - the
    contractions were unbearable, and could certainly cause any type of
    irrational behavior.  Just when I thought it couldn't possibly hurt any
    more, seemed like the pain doubled.  Thank God I had my tubes tied! (-:
    
    Patty

    Patty,
    
    I would rather go through three days of active labor than a root canal. 
    labor was intense and a lot of work and heavy breathing but I knew
    there was light at the end of the tunnel, and I got a prize at the end. 
    Maybe it was my support group, or the relaxed atmosphere at home, or
    having coached others and learned some new tips and techniques in the
    process, but each baby has been easier and the last was a breeze and
    all of mine start out with a posterior presentation.  the last two
    rotated as they came through.
    
    Labor may be the hardest thing any of us can do, and I realize for some
    the intensity is painful, but for some of us it is something worth
    repeating.
    
    meg
    meg

    
    It must just hit people different .... I'd rather go through 1,000 root
    canals than 1 labor.  I had a root canal done late yesterday afternoon,
    and aside from them shooting ice water on the tooth before it was numb,
    the whole thing was a breeze .... and the reward was that I could SLEEP
    last night w/out a toothache (-:  Feels fine now.
    
    I suppose it's only fair to interject here that my labor was totally
    pitocin-induced/driven, and lasted for 13 hrs with contractions no more
    than 3-4 mins apart during any of that time.  Nothing I want to repeat!
    AND ..... as for that gorgeous bundle being the 'just reward', well I
    had 2 c-sections previously, 1 was completely painless, and the other
    hurt, but was NOTHING like 'real' labor.  So knowing that all that pain
    was just to prove something to myself (*I* can do this au naturale),
    surely wasn't worth the minute amount of satisfaction at 'surviving'
    labor.  
    
    But, hey, I guess I'm weirder than most anyway ... (-: