Conference moira::parenting

    What does the seven-year-old say?
    
    Remember that this is not an invitation to you so much as to the
    children--and she may be close to them even if she's not close to
    you.
    
    The money is an issue, but I think it'd be reasonable to ask her
    whether you could just do white shirts and a clip-on tie or something.
    You might want to price a tux / suit rental first, to have some
    figures.
    		-John Bishop

    None of my business but does she want her wedding to be cute or does
    she want to include the children. Too often we ask kids to perform and
    while seven year olds may be up to the task they shouldn't be put
    through the stress of having to get it right so that it looks good in
    pictures, etc.
    
    People think twins look cute when they are dressed alike and doing the
    same thing. The kids are different and their differences need to be
    respected. Is she respecting the differences.
    
    As an adult, I was shocked at being asked to be maid of honor for
    someone. I went along with it at my expense and to my chagrin subjected
    my wallet to someone else's taste. I've always regretted it and never
    had a relationship with the couple afterward.

I'd tell her no.... 

      You don't know her well and it will cost you money and time.    Of
      course, if she is willing to pick up the tab you might consider it
      then.  I think she just thinks the idea is cute and has no relatives
      to ask so she asked her students.  She'll probably just ask another
      mother if you turn her down.  

      I can imagine that this would cost you at least $100!  Who can 
      waste that sort of money these days?  

      Karen

    The seven year old said he didn't want to do it because he would be
    embarrassed to stand in front of all of those people that he didn't
    know.

    Thanks,

    Lillian

    re -1 
    
    That should be your response to her.  She should be able to accept
    that.
    
    -sandy
    

    My cousin just had her 2 sons in our last 2 family wedding & she said
    that she opted not to be in the weddings because tuxes for kids cost the
    same as they did for the men. (they looked awesome)   $125 a piece

    Heavens ...
    
    Tuxedos aren't common in England where I got married, although tops and
    tails aren't uncommon.  Most men wear a good suit.  I wore a suit
    because tops and tails looked so ridiculous and tuxedos do too!  I
    can't imagine imposing one on a child!
    
    Stuart

    Do you know what the real motivation/reason that she asked one of her
    students to be the ring bearer?  To me, I would converse with her.
    Maybe she just don't have relitives/best-close friend here or thought
    it would be neat to have someone from her own class paricipate. Is this
    a disire only of herself, or her + her hubbi-to be? This can be an
    *oppertunity* to be better aquainted/friends. After all, she does spend
    time in being with your son (teaching. Verbal and nonverbal). 
        
    My newphew/niece and I have taked about the idea of them being a part
    of my wedding when it is time (maybe next year). It's not looked at,
    oh....how cute!!!, but because out of Love for them to I, I to them.
    Family....A special time/experiance.       
    						~Richard~                                   

    My two sons were just in my sister's wedding last weekend - they
    weren't ring bearers, but instead were asked to walk my mother down the
    isle (my parents are divorced).  The kids were asked to make them feel
    a "part of it", and because it's cute.  They are 5 and 8.  My sister
    did offer to pay for the clothes, as they wanted them both to look JUST
    the same, but I ended up paying, figuring they'd need/use clothes
    anyway.
    
    I ended up buying navy slacks, white button-down shirts, dress shoes,
    belts and clip-on ties - it cost almost $100.00 for the two of them.
    The boys were THRILLED to do it, and they like their "fancy" clothes,
    but I'd definitely think twice before doing it again.  BTW - if you do
    go along with it, be careful about putting a "real" tie on little kids. 
    You can make them LOOK like miniature adults, but they're still little
    boys, and you wouldn't want a real tie getting snagged on something,
    pulling it tight.
    
    Maybe you have plans for that w/end???  I wouldn't make them do it if
    the kids feel awkward about it.
    

    
    Weddings are a once in a lifetime (while) thing that people will always
    remember. Although your seven year old refused and you are right to
    respect that, assuming that he said yes, I would have picked up the tab
    (although I would have complained, as I am truly human) thrilled that I
    would have been able to help create someone else's memories. What a joy
    to have someone from her class be in the wedding!
    
    I teach and although my students are quite a bit older (college level)
    I know that bonds can grow between teachers and students, even though
    they are not related, you have helped to change a person's life
    (hopefully for the better). It makes you important to the student and
    the student important to you.
    
    Wednesday is our Wedding Anniversary and I fondly remember our ceremony
    and all who participated (in fact, I may even dig out the video). I
    love reliving it and thinking about it.
    
    Marc's sister is getting married next October, she is planning an
    elborate ceremony, and although, it's not my style, if she wants the
    kids in the ceremony or even Marc, we will comply (with only a moderate
    grumble ;-)) It is after all, "her day".
    
    				Wendy

    If it were me, I'd politely decline.  Relatives are one thing, but this 
    seems to be another.  This woman has only known your children for a
    little over three months.  I'd say that's a pretty big imposition.  As
    for the note that said it's an invitation for your children, and not
    really *you*-- perhaps, but *you'll* be the one footing the bill for 
    their involvement.  You get to pay for the tux rentals, and the new 
    "snazzy" clothes.  And what about the reception?  Are they going?
    Are you going, so you can help watch them?  Will you even know anyone
    there?  And what about the wedding present?  
    
    Seems like big $$$$ for someone who's been in your life for three
    months...  
                                                 

I thought of this note last night while I was driving my sitter home.  She's
been with us for 18 months and is leaving us in a couple of weeks to go to
work at a daycare center (she needs benefits). She is very close to my children
as well as to my husband and me.  In fact, she's told me she feels like we're
family, and is closer to me than to her mother.  While I was driving her home
yesterday, we were talking about if she would come and visit after she leaves
us, and she promised she would.  But she really took me by surprise when
she said she wanted to have my children in her wedding in a year or two.  I'm
honored that she thinks that much of my kids, and know that although she has
cousins who are the same age (one has even been to my house to play with my
kids), it's my children she wants in her wedding.  So I can understand why
the teacher in the basenote may feel close to those particular children and
want them as part of her special day. I do, however, also think that if the
children as mentioned later don't want to be in the wedding, they should get
the final say.  But I don't have a problem believing that she has grown that
close to the children in a very short time.

Cathy