| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 502.1 | Need a memento-creation kit | TLE::JBISHOP | | Fri Apr 16 1993 19:10 | 13 |
| The only criticism I have is that neither Mary Hitchcock nor
Nashua Memorial had a camera which could take a good close-up
picture of the babies. So we have only our memories and the
blurry distant images produced by their instant-style Polaroid
camera, which had to be over three feet from something to have
it be in focus.
I wish we had better pictures of Christopher and Jenny.
Otherwise I think both places did the right things, though
Mary Hitchcock seemed better prepared than Nashua Memorial.
-John Bishop
|
| 502.2 | After care | WEORG::DARROW | | Mon Apr 19 1993 13:53 | 35 |
|
I see a few needs of mine that weren't met:
1) Attending physician needs to be especially empathetic.
In the case of one of my miscarriages, the physician had all
the bedside manner of a brick. (He was the ob/gyn on call
at the time.) The other two times, the doctors were more
caring and attentive.
2) More attention needs to be paid to the long-term issues
and problems. For the doctor to say "some couples feel depression"
isn't enough. Support groups should be in place and encouraged.
Referrals should be readily available to counsellors who are
experienced with this sort of loss. The emphasis should be on
**counselling as the norm, not the exception**.
It's not enough to say "this is available." I think some people
need a nudge. I'd rather hear "many of our patients have benefited
from this. I think you might too." (All of these changes were made by
the practice I use ... but after my losses.)
3) Follow up with more than just a 3-week medical check up.
My second week after each loss was a real rollercoaster.
I could have benefited from a call from the nurse practitioner.
4) If a patient appears to be at risk for repeated problems,
encourage them developing a relationship with a staff member who
has had similar experiences. One of the nurse practitioners
at my ob/gyn's had been through the same medical problems I had.
Having her there to talk with through each pregnancy really
helped. She understood my fears and concerns first-hand, especially
in this last (successful) pregnancy when everyone else couldn't
understand my caution.
--Jennifer
|
| 502.3 | thanks, so far! | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Mon Apr 19 1993 14:13 | 11 |
| Thank-you John, Jennifer, these are VERY good critiques.
BTW John, I had the same complaint about the camera thing,
I voiced it and they gave me smiles because they had already
discussed using a donated 35mm to shoot a ROLL of film for each
child and give the roll to the parent(s). They tell me few
parents refuse pictures.
Does any one know where Lyn Tripp is? If she can, I'd love to
have her comments.
Monica
|
| 502.4 | What my neighbor went through | BCSE::WEIER | Patty, DTN 381-0877 | Mon Apr 19 1993 14:54 | 74 |
| Hi,
I haven't been through this, but my neighbor has, and can offer a few
things that made their grieving SO much worse. She was 8 1/2 mos
pregnant with their first (badly wanted) child. She went into the Drs
office for a regular checkup, but he couldn't find a hearbeat. They
sent her to the hosp. for an Ultra-Sound, and found the baby was no
longer alive. Apparantly the umbilical cord had become twisted and
twisted to the point that the baby essentially "starved to death".
This happened on a Thursday. They said that she would have to deliver
the baby, but there was no one there to do it at the time, so she'd
have to come back the next day. This was mortifying to them. They
sent her home that evening and told her to come back the next morning.
She was supposed to be induced ~10am. At about 2pm, they finally
started her. SHe made it QUITE clear, for obvious reasons that she
wanted to minimize ANY amount of pain to herself. Seeing as there
wasn't the consideration of the baby, the doctor assured her it would
be fine. She kept asking and asking, but they gave her absolutely
NOTHING for her pain. Her Dr. got called away, and she was left with a
few nurses for a while. In a lot of pain. But they still wouldn't
give her anything for it, saying it was "too soon". Apparantly her
labor progressed rapidly, and suddenly it was "too late" for her to
have anything that would be effective. I'm a little fuzzy on the
details here, but it seems the "dr" somehow got lost in the shuffle, or
she just progressed SO fast that they couldn't get him back in time,
but whatever happened, she ended up delivering their baby without ANY
medication whatsoever, and without a much-needed episiotomy. She
delivered so late that they wouldn't let her leave, and they had to put
up a BIG stink for her to be able to go home that Sunday.
The hospital that they sent her to was in Boston, and they live in
Nashua, and there were no accomodations for her husband. They shuffled
him right out that evening, and wouldn't let him stay. Aside from
having to lose her baby, and the tremendous pain she went through in
the process, she was forced to endure it alone. I don't remember the
name of the hospital.
Obviously all experiences aren't this bad, but there were some
"simpler" things that could have been done to help them through this.
A Dr dedicated to HER and her needs would have helped a lot - perhaps
someone more experienced in this area, to help understand all the
emotions of it all. A place for her husband to stay by her side would
have been a tremendous relief. Also, she was in the maternity ward the
whole time, and I thought that was pretty heartless to make her stay
there and see all those other women WITH their babies, knowing she'd be
going home empty-handed. I was also surprised at how "unhelpful" the
hospital was in preparing the funeral arrangements. They certainly
weren't thinking about funeral arrangements, and Dad was more than
distraught about the whole thing, but was left with ALL the decisions
of where/how/when to bury their daughter.
One other thing that may be helpful .... more "out of the hospital", I
know that when she went home, she just closed the nursery door, and
didn't even want to know it existed. They had added a room just for
baby, put in a swimming pool so it would be more fun for them being
"around the house" with their newborn etc. and there were telltale
signs all over the house that there would soon be a baby living there.
It seemed like it might have been helpful if someone could have gone in
and taken the "baby items" and put them all in the nursery or someplace
that could have been out of sight unless she wanted to see them. She
once told me it was SO hard to open the cabinet to get a glass, and see
the baby bottles there - but she didn't have the strength/heart to "put
them away" either. I think if they'd just been "put away" in the first
place, it might have eased her suffering.
I hope that some of their pain may make it easier on someone else.
They have since had a little boy, who is a healthy happy, much loved 2
year old, and they all seem to be dealing with the loss of their first
born.
Hope this helps!
Patty
have helped her to
|
| 502.5 | Location is important for what it "says" | TLE::JBISHOP | | Mon Apr 19 1993 15:12 | 9 |
| Frankly, I'm glad we were in the maternity area: I think it was
much more healthy, psychologically, to have the hospital say to
us by that location "You are people who are parents, but your baby
is dead," than to say "It's only a minor bit of tissue loss, not
a baby at all," which would have been the impact of being in a
non-maternity area of the hospital. It's a real loss, and it helps
to have the loss supported and recognized as a real loss.
-John Bishop
|
| 502.6 | I disagree | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Mon Apr 19 1993 17:23 | 25 |
| John,
I guess it depends on each person - I made it very clear to my
doc that I did NOT want to stay with the new moms - this was much
much to painful for me. I felt that all I would share with these
women was that we went through a delivery; but all the other moms
would not be focused on what they went through in delivering the child,
but focused on the child itself. I could not bear the thought of
being with these happy women and they children - there was too much
bitterness and loss to wade through before I had the strength to
face new mothers.
Patty,
Your neighbour's story sounds very very familiar, although I feel
the difference was that I was treated with much more care and
respect, and this probably changes the colour of the experience.
They had me wait a whole week before they induced (hoping that
I'd go into labour on my own) which somehow made it easier to
accept and prepare myself for the delivery. It took 32 hours from
the time the prostaglandin went in to delivery, but everyone was
great.
I hope your neighbour has had the opportunity to give some feed back
to HER hospital about her experience. And tell her congrats for her
happy healthy child!
Monica (who still misses Daniel)
|
| 502.7 | Sensitivity regarding ultrasounds | CSTEAM::WRIGHT | | Tue Apr 20 1993 16:51 | 34 |
| I had an ultrasound with my first child, who was healthy. Then I had
an ultrasound with my last pregnancy, at eleven weeks, which revealed
that the baby was not living. The difference between the way each
ultrasound was handled was significant.
With the first (healthy) baby, the ultrasound technician cheerfully
exclaimed over the heartbeat, the size of the baby, etc. There was
almost a party atmosphere in the room. With the second (unliving),
the ultrasound technician was utterly silent. When I asked her
questions about what I was seeing on the screen, she just kept saying,
"I don't know, you'll need to talk to your doctor when the pictures
get developed." Well, that didn't fool me. I knew she knew and that
she wasn't allowed to tell me. Afterwards, they told me I had to go
to my doctor's office to get the official "results". So I ended up
waiting over 2 hours in my ob/gyn's office, (full of happily expectant
woman, by the way), to hear the confirmation of what I had read in
the eyes of the ultrasound technician.
My recommendation would be that ultrasound technicians be allowed to
tell the parents the bad news, if the parents ask them to. Perhaps
the technician should first call the doctor to get a verbal OK, but
it would be easier for many parents if the person who did the test
could just tell them, then and there, and perhaps point to the screen
and explain things.
Jane
P.S.
Re -.4. Making a woman go through labor and delivery without any
medication for a baby that is already known to be deceased is, in my
opinion, equal to taking out someone's appendix without anesthesia.
In other words, I would probably talk to a lawyer about a malpractice
suit.
|
| 502.8 | the nurses were very kind | SALES::LTRIPP | | Tue Apr 20 1993 17:16 | 52 |
| Monica,
I promised I add a reply, and I won't let you down.
My only regret, as someone else related is that the polaroids wern't
all that clear. Since we lost Stacy in 1985 the maternity ward has had
a nice 35MM camera donated. In fact it was donated by a family who had
had a birth loss. I had the polaroids duplicated, because my mother in
law insisted she have a picture of her grandchild. At the time I
thought it gross, but was happy to comply after I saw the quality was
actually better than the original.
One of the kindest remarks I remember was after I was wheeled from the
L&D area to a private room, in a area fairly remote from other new
mothers on the post-P floor, as she was getting me settled (my husband
had already left) she looked at me and said "it's really OK to cry
here" I suddenly realized I didn't have to be stoic. They were very
tuned into my needs, I had seen social workers, clergy and others
through labor. The OB knew there was no concern for the baby and
ordered me enough medication that I basically slept for 10 hours, woke
up pushed twice and it was over, right in the labor room, no epidural
at all.
My only downside was a fight with the Catholic church, they flatly
refused to baptize our baby. We made this one of our first requests,
even before the labor was induced. They reasoned that since the baby
had not lived, the baby had committed no sin, and therefore should not
be baptized. The staff finally contacted a woman minister from a
church next door to the hospital who was very willing to baptize her.
As a note, I am protestant, husband is Catholic, we were married in His
church, but I was registered as Protestant in the hospital records. We
asked his parish priest, as well as the hospital Catholic chaplain who
refused. My father inlaw took the issue to someone higher than the
local priest, and he says the policy has been changed.
We had our baby buried in a white Christening gown, with my husband's
grandfather. Although it is considered a "single" grave, the baby's
casket is very small and the local cemetary commission allowed us, and
several others in the same situation to do this.
Ironically, the week we lost Stacy in '85 the hospital had seven
neonatal losses for various reasons. One of the other babies was
buried in the same place, by the same funeral director on the same
morning. Even the funeral director was having a difficult time dealing
with this. He was most kind, and charged us next to nothing for his
services.
Sorry to be so long, I know I've related parts of this in different
notes, and I agree we need something to address this. It still hurts,
especially as her birthday approaches in June.
Lyn
|
| 502.9 | Ultrasound | WEORG::DARROW | | Wed Apr 21 1993 13:51 | 16 |
|
RE: .7
The same applies to "good" ultrasounds. My husband and I were on pins
and needles for the 6-week ultrasound with my third pregnancy.
The technician wasn't saying anything, even though we'd told her
I'd had two previous miscarriages. She *did* see a heartbeat, but
didn't say anything. It was only after we asked that she said
everything was ok. (Unfortunately, it turned out that I miscarried
anyway.)
I had a similar experience with my fourth, successful pregnancy.
I had an ultrasound at Brigham's following my amnio. A doctor did
the ultrasound that time, and took about 1/2 hour but didn't say a
word. Again, we had to prompt him to tell us what was happening.
|
| 502.10 | Memorial was very helpful | ASIC::JPOIRIER | | Wed Apr 21 1993 15:18 | 64 |
| I too think this is a wonderful idea.
Our son was born at 5 1/2 months, he died shortly after. Couple things that
I can think of that would have help us:
- Like everyone else, I wish we had more pictures. We do have a larger (5
x 7) one but the idea of a whole roll of film would have been so much
nicer.
- I had one (to me it was major) problem with the hospital when I was
there after the delivery. They sent someone to ask me questions about the
baby so they could fill out the birth certificate. She asked all the
questions to get the form filled out, then said very cheerfully, "so, how
is the baby doing?" No one told this person that our baby had died! It
may sound trivial, but this was only hours after our baby had died, she
was the first person that I had to tell this to and I couldn't believe
that she wasn't told this before.
- Some help/guidance/information on funeral arrangements would have been
appreciated. We were told that we would have to make some kind of
arrangements but didn't really know what/how to do this. I know now that
it's as simple as going down to the funeral director and working it out
with them and many provide services at *very* minimal costs to the
parents. I had spent 4 days in the hospital worrying that this was going
to cost us thousands of dollars. (My father-in-law recently passed away
and it had cost >6,000 for the funeral, I just assumed that it would be
that much for us too.) Had we been told right away that this was only
going to cost ~$100, it just would have been one less thing to worry
about. Maybe hospitals could provide a list of funeral directors that
offer these services for infants, maybe even have the hospital make
initial contact to get the arrangements started. It was very difficult
for me to have to go and explain this to a funeral director, had he known
some information upfront before we talked to him, I think I would have
been much more comfortable.
In general, I think the hospital handled this very well. I was at
Memorial where they seem to see these situations more often then other
hospitals. They do inform you of group counseling, but no one ever gives
you that nudge to go. (I haven't yet, considered it many times though.)
Some ideas that I could think of for after you leave the hospital are:
- I too could have used a call or two from them, I think it would have
been nice to hear that they still remembered me and still cared. I did
receive some information in the mail, with numbers to call if I needed
to, but I think if they had actually called me, I would have been a help.
- And I VERY MUCH agree with the OB's needing to do more then a one-time
check up after to see if your body is back in shape. I've found another
OB due to the lack of concern that mine showed.
- I haven't reached the one-year anniversary of our son's birth/death but
I'm already thinking of how hard it is going to be. What about the idea
of the hospitals sending out special cards or something at that time? I
suppose there are two sides to this, maybe this would be a painful
reminder, but on the other hand, wouldn't it be a help to know that your
baby wasn't forgotten? Just a thought.
- I would have appreciated a list of books/articles to help deal with the
death.
Jean
|
| 502.11 | More sympathetic staff! | HELIX::LEGER | | Wed Apr 21 1993 18:07 | 65 |
| This is a real sensitive topic for me...
I was pregenat for my 1st in August....we were very excited, as we had
waited almost 5 years before we decided to have children. When I
started seeing my OB, everything was going great. I had an ultrasound
at 7 week, and she said everything was great, then 3 days later, I has
problems. I called the Dr, and was seen right away.
I went for the ultrasound, I had both the external and interanl, and it
was very wired. The Tech would not say anything about what she saw/did
not see... at one point she actually asked me if I was sure I was
pregnant. At that point I knew something was wrong. I went back to
the Dr's office to wait for the results. I was seen by a nurse
practioner...she asked if anyone was with me (definate sign something
is wrong!), I said no...they told me that there was no heartbeat etc,
but wanted to do a blood test to make sure (to see if my hormone levels
were ok.
I had to come back the next day at 2pm...(that was the longest 24hrs
ever!!)...so Hubby and I went into the room, at this point I was really
upset, I would have thought the nurses would have known what was going
on, but NO, they made me get on the scale, weigh in, and get changed! I
refused, because I knew it was going to be bad :-(
Well, the DR was pretty good. She told me about what had happned, and
of my choices for a DNC or to pass it naturally, I opted for the DNC
immediately, but they made me wait a day to make the decision, so 2
days later I had the procedure.
I think my biggest complaints were
1) I went to the Dr's every afternoon that week, the people knew me by
my first name, but he stupid Nurse still made me Pee in a cup, get on
the scale and change....I refused and explained I knew what was
hapening...
2) the Dr was great, she explained my choice, and told me I had to
greive, that it was a loss that I would feel for a long time. they
gave me a phamplet on books and support groups, but didn't really push
anything. I really wish they would have, because to this day, I could
really use support...
3) When I went to the hospital to have the procedure, the people were
great. Very accommodating...I requested medication to take the edge
off, and they gave it to me. All in all, the procedure was harmless
physically, but emotionally I was a basket case..I think there was
something that could have been done to prepare me for this???
4) a week after the surgery, when I went back to the doctors for a
checkup, the other DR, made a comment, well it wasn't a real baby, it
was just matter.....and hoped it would make it easier for me to deal
with it... NOT!!!!
The difference between the 2 drs I had were worlds apart!
As June approaches, I feel I am going to have a hard time, since I was
due on June 3rd. We are trying for another one, but I am real scared
to go through everything again. I think if I had recieved a little
more push towards some support, I would have a easier time dealing with
it than I am right now ....
Sorry for rambeling, this is the first time in a long time I have
discussed it :-(
Anne Marie
|
| 502.12 | | ASDS::PEACOCK | Freedom is not free! | Wed Apr 21 1993 19:12 | 25 |
| Hmmm... I may end up getting slapped as insensitive, but I am seeing a
pattern here, and I wanted to ask something..
Several people have mentioned that they received information about
support groups, but would have liked some nudging as well. I guess I
am having some difficulty understanding this. Exactly what sort of
nudging would have been acceptable in a situation like this? Having
been through it yourselves, what sort of nudging would you give others
also going through it? Given that many of us have never experienced a
loss like this, what sort of nudging would be OK from the rest of us?
I guess the difficulty I'm having is being taken seriously. I know
that when I've gone through difficulties of other sorts, I was
indifferent or even opposed to accepting advise from people who had
never been through that particular difficulty. Correct or not, my
attitude has always been that if someone had not experienced this
difficulty, they couldn't possibly know what I was feeling, and
therefore their advise was, well, somehow not good enough. Given that
mind set, I'm not sure what I would say to anybody without being
brushed off as not knowing what I was talking about.
Peace,
- Tom
|
| 502.13 | help | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Wed Apr 21 1993 20:07 | 25 |
| Tom,
In most cases the "help" comes in the form of support groups
which are comprised of other grieving parents, or professional
Loss Counsellors (like we saw) who have been helping parents
for sometime and have good experience in dealing with this kind
of loss. So, they DO know what you are feeling, or have some
psychological basis with which to "deal" with your problem.
However, you do bring up a point - about 10 weeks after our loss,
I attended a stress-management course here at work, and the
self-inspection was a little to much for me, as I worked each
day to keep the emotions in at that time. After I broke out in
tears at the end of one session, the psychologist seemed appalled
that we had only had 2 sessions with a grief counsellor and said
we should be at sessions for a year!
I had to do a lot of thinking then, and finally decided that I
wouldn't. Can't say it would have helped one way or the other.
I don't think I would like to have been pushed either. I felt
the person we DID see was not very aggressive and this suited
us fine - we even went back to her once during my next pregnancy
to help with the anxiety I was having.
Monica
|
| 502.14 | More specific info | WEORG::DARROW | | Wed Apr 21 1993 20:42 | 22 |
|
In my own case, I wish the doctor or nurse practitioner had offered
me either the name of a support group, or a counsellor.
They could have offered to set up an appointment for me. I wish they
had stressed that needing support and counselling is not unusual, that
it's normal and not something to be worried or embarrassed about.
Just saying "some people feel depressed" isn't enough.
They could have even suggested I try such a group/individual
once or twice to see if I needed it or it helped. Had they
given me a name, or the times of a group meeting, I would
have hopefully found the help I needed sooner.
I know that this particular doctor's office now has 1) an ongoing
support group, and 2) referrals to the therapist who I managed to
find on my own.
As an aside, one problem with infertility and pregnancy loss is that
other issues in a relationship often come to the forefront. Small
cracks can become much larger due to the stress of the loss. I think
that's all the more reason to encourage counselling. (I read once
the statistics on divorce following the death of a child ... I don't
recall the figure, but it was pretty staggering.)
|
| 502.15 | | WEORG::DARROW | | Wed Apr 21 1993 20:48 | 11 |
|
One more comment, then I promise to shut up!
As Monica said in .13, there are counsellors who specialize in
particular fields/areas.
The therapist, who I found thanks to EAP, was experienced in dealing
with infertility and pregnancy loss. She'd run the counselling program
at the infertility clinic at Brigham's for several years. That helped.
--Jennifer
|
| 502.16 | the Nudge has to be subtle, IMO | SALES::LTRIPP | | Thu Apr 22 1993 13:22 | 59 |
| I can't quite remember what the "nudge" was that got me to the monthly
grief-loss support group at Memorial Hospital (in Worcester), but all I
can say is they were probably a literal life saver. Our loss was
particularly after a long series of infertility workups, hormones, 9
months of morning sickness (I'm really serious, I was sick from
conception through the delivery) and so on. Initially my reaction to a
stillbirth was that this is so "unnatural" a birth just *can't* end
this way. Fortunate for me, my OB was extremely sensitive to my horror
of finding out that my baby had died in utero, on my due date! He to
us to go home, gave me a sleeping pill to take (that is just ONE) and
told e to come to the hospital in the morning for induction and
delivery. The only person who seemed to fall into the category of
"insensitive claud" would be the woman in the admitting office. She
asked me what I was being admitted for. I said my baby is dead and I'm
going to be delivered, for some reason that didn't expaliain it enough
to her, and she ended up calling the maternity floor for the "official"
admitting dagnosis".
The social workers and staff were subtle, but strong enough to let me
know they were there if I needed them. The left pamphlets, came by
several times in the two days I was in, and made sure before I left
that I knew I had the support I would surely need.
I found the support group extremely helpful, it made me feel that what
had ahppened to us was not the only one it had happened to. I found
some who had lost sets of twins, who had experienced multiple birth
losses, those who , as single parents and some without family, had to
go it alone, in general I realized that as great as our loss was, we
certainly were NOT alone in this grieving.
I have since recomended this group to a teen, the daughter of a day
care provider, who had a late miscarriage at 16-1/2, engaged but not
married, still in high school, her son lived only an hour. She is
still thanking me profusely for suggesting the group. I even offered
to go with her to the first meeting, if she wanted someone she knew
with her.
The hardest part of my experience was because my two sisters inlaw were
also pregnant, and due only 6 weeks after me. I was so terrified this
would traumatize them, and so afraid the same misfortune would happen.
Both Jon and I had a horrible time dealing with my niece's Christening
only a few short weeks after our loss. It was like we felt "cheated"
that this joy of a newborn should have been ours. We finally had to
leave, shortly after arriving back at the house after the Ceremony, my
husband and I kept finding ourselves on the brink of tears, and I just
couldn't hold it in any longer.
One in a while either my mother inlaw or one of my sisters inlaw will
refernce the number of grandchildren or neices and nephews, and they
omit my daughter in the count. Depending on my mood at the moment I
might remind them that their number is off by one. Most times I just
say a silent prayer for Stacy, to let her know mom loves her, whereever
she is.
Sorry to ramble, Funny how she's been in my thoghts a lot lately, maybe
because he birthday is not that long away.
Lyn
|
| 502.17 | | HELIX::LEGER | | Thu Apr 22 1993 14:13 | 34 |
| Lyn
I can understand where you are coming from re: having someone else due
around the same time...
When i found out I was expecting, we were the only ones left on both
sides to have children. Everone else had alread established their
families, so everyone was excited for us. After I loss the baby, my
sister-in-law became pregnant very unexpectadly. They did not expect
her to get prego, and did not really expect to have any more children.
As time is progressing and she is starting to show, I am becoming more
jealous. I have these feelings deep inside of me wanting to know why
they can have another child when they really didn't want one, and the
one thing I wanted the most was taken away from me.
The other biggest problem I have is my MOhter-in-law. On my husbands
side of the family, there are no male grandchildren to carry on the
name. When I was expecting, they made a big deal of how this could be
the grandson they have always wanted. After I loss the baby, nothing
was said, and then when my SIL became pregnant, now she is shining in
her her eyes, and she makes comments like maybe A&B will give us the
grandson, you know, we can't wait too long, I am growing old, and I
would like to appreciate my grandchildren. I have a hard time not
telling her off, so usually I just don't say anythin, and leave.
I guess we all have our own ways of dealing with the pain/loss/greif.
I never thought I would still have this much discomfort in talking
about it 6 months later. I am getting better though...It helps to have
a place like this to find out that others are going through the same
thing, and its really ok to feel this way
Anne Marie
|
| 502.18 | a little push ? | ASIC::JPOIRIER | | Thu Apr 22 1993 14:34 | 34 |
| Tom, Some of my opinions of "appropriate nudging" from others might be
saying things like
"I called the support group at so-and-so to find out when they hold
sessions, I'm not sure if it will be of any help to you but it wouldn't
hurt to go once or twice to find out. It's on X nite at Y time, I
don't have any plans for then, how about if I pick you up and we'll go
together"
Or "I've heard that so-and-so is very good at counseling for these
situations, how about if I call and make an appointment for you. I'll
even bring you myself and we'll go out to lunch/dinner afterwards."
I haven't (yet) been to counseling after losing our son. After reading
Lyn's note, maybe I should. One of the things that has been hard for
me was just simply making decisions. This may sound ridiculous as it's
been over 6 months for us, but I just haven't made up my mind as to
whether I want to go or not. Somedays I'd like to try to work this out
myself, other days I don't know how I've managed to survive this long.
For me, this is a very difficult decision, though can't really explain why.
Lyn, I too know what you mean about the christening, my SIL who's due
date was a month after mine, is having her twins christened next week.
I think all the family expects us to go but I'm just not sure I can
handle that.
Anne Marie, your jealousy is certainly understandable. I keep
thinking that why can my SIL have twins and my baby died? She now has
3 and we don't have any. My sister also had her second on the day that
our son died, it was her second "oops." She didn't plan on having any
children.
Jean
|
| 502.19 | memories | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Thu Apr 22 1993 14:43 | 45 |
| it is astonishing how these stories make us remember things in
our experience that we may have forgotten or surpressed. (Also
amazing at there seem to be pinpoints of experience common to so
many).
I now remember the day Daniel's death was diagnosed. I went from
being mildly concerned when I went to the hospital to meet my Doc,
to being a basket case when they couldn't hear a heart beat. The
doc and a nurse were trying to use a ultrasound machine which wasn't
very good, and neither being a specialist were not succeeding in
working out what was up with the baby. So it was decided I would
go down to the regular ultrasound offices and get me checked there,
bumping me in ahead of the queue.
How vividly I remember me, my husband, the doctor (perched on the
bed beside me) and the ultrasound specialist in that little room,
all looking at the screen.
It was somewhat surreal at the time, because the specialist was in-
credibly robot-like, routinely identifing the parts of the body
like she was in a biology class and not at all like she was working
with traumatized parents and a very nervous doctor.
"This is the head. This is the heart, it is not beating. This is
the scrotum, you can see it is a boy. this is the leg....."
It is at that moment the double whammy hit me that *Bang* the being
living in side me has gone *BANG* this is my baby, this is my SON!
The only thing I remember is me saying to my husband.
"A boy, Alan, a boy".
And vaguely, being wheeled back up to the labour rooms with my
doc profusely apologizing for the unfeeling bahaviour of the
ultrasound specialist.
After we got the explanation about waiting with my doc and the
senior OB, we were sent to the area where blood tests were performed.
I felt like I needed some staff member with me as my husband and I
wandered through the hospital alone. and how we had to wait in
the room where parents and small children waited only to get
a nurse who mumbled things about how wonderful it was going to be
for me to have a baby, and asking all the wrong things about why I
was having the blood test (my doc was concerned about toxicity, but
the nurse kept on quizzing me about had I been ill, or was I bitten
by an animal or something). I of course started breaking down and
all the control I had left vanished.
I am amazed that I had forgotten some of the
most tramatic moments of the loss.....
Monica
|
| 502.20 | Thanks for the support! | SALES::LTRIPP | | Fri Apr 23 1993 13:12 | 69 |
| I guess my observation here is that, at the very least, we've formed
our own mini "support group" right here. I, personally am very
grateful that this has happened.
Just a couple further comments and observations.
Since I know my husband doesn't "do" parenting notes, I can make some
observations. He seemed to deal with the whole thing of our loss, by
NOT dealing with it. He seemed to deal with it in a way of
frustration. He also mentioned several times how coworkers seemed to
ignore that anything had happened, or avoided talking to him at all
about it. He worked on a dotted line to facilities and security, so it
was mostly me.
I was outwardly emotional in dealing with the loss,
however my husband seemed extremely frustrated. He spent the two weeks
following the loss on a "H*ll bent for election" method of taking each
door from our condo, over to his parents home sanding them, and
restaining them. No they wern't in that bad of shape. He just needed
something physical to do. I guess I didn't do much better. I took all
my blankets, spreads, and curtains to my mother inlaw's and washed
them. No particular reason, my excuse was that I didn't want to feed
coins to the laundry room at the condo. I became obsessed with selling
the condo, and getting out. I reasoned that the woman who lived there
before us had trouble conceiving, and conceived after moving, and I
just felt the condo was "spooked" and wasn't made to have children in
it.
My husband had given me a fairly large teddy bear the previous
Christmas, with a note on it's tag that said something like "this is to
practice on until June". After we lost Stacy, and the room had been
returned to a den, I spent many nights in the my grandmother's rocking
chair with that bear, absolutely sobbing, and asking why God had chosen
to punish me this way. I found myself at the interists a few weeks
later complaining of severe upper back pain, the diagnosis: STRESS!
As for my OB, after the delivery he scheduled an apointment for two
weeks after. That day I never got undressed, he had instructed his
staff (I can only guess) to be extra sensitive to me. The nurse put me
in an exam room, with instructions not to get undressed,that the doctor
only wanted to talk to me. Everyone on his staff just kept asking,
very sincerely, if I was doing OK, it was very helpful.
I remember Canobie Lake park that fall, it seemed to me that *everyone*
was either pregnant or pushing a carriage, much as I had expected to be
doing. We didn't stay there long, it was a hard day.
As I went through yet another infertility workup, and eventually became
pregnant with AJ, the infertility specialist who was the one who just
about pushed me over the brink of sanity. Without even doing an exam
he looked at me and said "no wonder you can't get pregnant, you're too
overweight. No wonder you couln't keep your baby alive!" I was about
30 pounds overweight, not huge in my opinion. Let me tell you I was so
out of control I went home called my internist, and asked for a
referral to a psycaitrist(sp?), I told him I needed someone NOW-TODAY.
Thankfully he found someone extrmemly sensitive, and I saw her the next
day. The specialist's staff kept apologising profusely for his
insensitivity. I went back to my OB who agreed the doctor was out of
line, and he agreed to treat me for my infertility.
The day I found out I was pregnant with AJ I got the call in the
office, and began sobbing at my desk. Someone stopped me on the way to
the ladie's room and asked if someone had died. I tried to explain how
scared I was that this baby too would die before birth. I spent the
entire pregnancy terrified that I would never know the joy of holding
my newborn.
Sorry to ramble, but so glad we've got each other.
Lyn
|
| 502.21 | | RICKS::PATTON | | Fri Apr 23 1993 16:18 | 14 |
| This string is very moving and I am choked up right now.
A good friend of mine lost a son in utero almost three years ago.
She wrote the story of her experience, both as support for her own
grieving and with the intention of educating the rest of the world.
It was never published, unfortunately. I read it and found it very
powerful. If anyone here would be interested in having a copy,
please send me mail and I will send you a paper copy via US mail.
This string is also a good reminder for me to be careful not to
forget the son she lost. I try to refer to him by name every now and
then to let her know I remember, but it may not be often enough.
Lucy
|
| 502.22 | Future appointments | CSTEAM::WRIGHT | | Fri Apr 23 1993 16:56 | 18 |
| When I had my first prenatal check-up at 10 weeks and everything was
going fine, they had me schedule my monthly check-ups for the next
few months out. The next week I was in the OB's office a few times
as I went through the loss, so the nurses/admin people there definitely
knew that I had lost the baby. But one month later, I received a phone
call from the office to confirm my prenatal check-up for the next day.
I was so hurt that I was rude to them, saying "You KNOW I lost the baby",
and slammed down the phone. I'm embarrassed now that I was so rude,
but at the time I felt like someone had just snuck up behind me and
stuck a knife in my heart.
I wish someone in the doctor's office had had a little more sensitivity
and common sense so that, when I lost the baby, they could have looked
ahead in the book and erased my appointments. Or even, gently, asked
me to tell them when my next appointments were so that they could
erase them.
Jane
|
| 502.23 | Mom's ordeal | MKOTS3::MACFAWN | Alyssa and Krystin's mommy | Fri Apr 23 1993 17:24 | 40 |
| My mom had 2 stillborns (1 before me and 1 after my brother). She said
that after Kelly was born (Kelly was the last pregnancy), the hospital
staff thought that since she already had 2 children, this trama should
not bother her that much. I guess they thought that this was no big
deal for her. Let me tell you, it was.
I was 13 at the time of Kelly's death and I was hurting too. My mother
received some limited counseling, but I think it would have been nice
to have counseling for the siblings as well. I tried to take care of
my brother, do laundry and cook so that Mom wouldn't have to worry
about those things.
My mother seemed to be handling this well, until....the day she cleaned
up the nursery. She went into the nursery, pulled everything off the
shelves, walls and dresser, emptied out all the drawers and sat in the
middle of the mess and cried hysterically. I thought the only way to
help mom was to do the household chores. If I had known how she would
have acted, I would have packed up the baby's room for her. But this
in itself is a two way issue. One mother may want to pack the room up,
but yet another may want to ignore it. So I would not assume that a
sister, neighbor, friend, should go over to the house and pack that
stuff up for the grieving mother. But maybe offer to do it for her if
she feels she cannot.
As mentioned in a previous note, maybe just taking the baby things all
over the house and placing them in the room and shutting the door would
be a good thing. That way, when the mother is ready, she can open the
door and do it herself, or she may ask to have someone do it for her.
But if all the things are in one room and the door is closed, it would
be easier on the mom and dad.
A hospital should never, ever put a mother of a stillborn in with
mothers of healthy babies. This happened to my mom and it literally
killed her.
Support groups should definately be looked at more closely. For the
parents and siblings, and friends/family members. I think it would
help everyone deal with the loss.
Gail
|
| 502.24 | my ordeal | ASABET::TRUMPOLT | Liz Trumpolt - 223-7195, MSO2-2/F3 | Fri Apr 23 1993 18:32 | 35 |
| I lost my first a little over 3 years ago when I was 6 weeks along. It
was the hardest time of my life (besides losing both my parents last
year 6 weeks apart). My OB was very sensitive and very helpful to me
and so was the staff in the office. They offered me video and books to
read to help me get through the loss. I lost the baby at home and
didn't need to have a DNC because everything came out at home. I bleed
very heavely and they had to put me on mega vitamens to build my system
up. I also had to be rushed to the hospital 2 days after the loss
because I was bleeding so heavely That I was so run down I couldn't
even stand up. The hospital staff was very nice to me when I went back
in a week later for blood test. This was extremly hard on my mother
too. She was with me the day I lost the baby and it brought back sad
memories of the two she lost. One of which was a set of twins and
thats what the doctor told me she suspected mine was becasue of all the
clots, etc. that I lost at home. The reason for losing my baby was
that it did not attach to the wall of my uterus right and gave away.
My husband dealt with the loss like Lyn's. He had to do phsical things
to take his mind off of it and very rarely talked about it to his
friends/co-workers. The only person he would talk to about the baby
was me.
Three months later I got pregnant with my son Alexander. When I went
in for my first prenatal check up the nurse practioner couldn't find
the heart beat which got me scared and thinking that I was going to
lose this one also. She suggested an ultra sound and I agreed. They
sent me dowwn and the techncian found the heart beat and it was beating
so strong and healthy. She even measured the baby for me. I had an
ultrasound the day I lost my first and they technican was very nice and
sensitive to my needs.
I tell you I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It was the hardest
thing to go through, and I'm glad that Monica started this note to help
us all deal/talk about our loses.
Liz
|
| 502.25 | Never say never | TLE::JBISHOP | | Fri Apr 23 1993 18:35 | 40 |
| re .23 "never, ever"
This has come up before (and I've answered before), but I have to
respond to:
> A hospital should never, ever put a mother of a stillborn in with
> mothers of healthy babies.
I'm sorry it was hard on your mother, but it probably wasn't the
thing that killed her (you did say "literally").
Remember that the alternative to the maternity ward is either a
general ward, which says "you didn't have a baby, you had a tumor",
or a private room, which many people can't afford. My wife and I
appreciated being treated as parents, even if we didn't have a
baby anymore.
I'll agree that sharing a room or a ward with mothers who have living
children is bad--and bad for the other mothers, too--but what's the
alternative? It's not fair to comdemn something as no good unless
you have a substitute in mind.
It's only fair for me to say that we had a room to ourselves (they let
me stay overnight with my wife) due to lack of demand, so perhaps
we're really arguing about being alone vs. being in crowds--in which
case we agree!
For me, the fact that I got to hold Christopher (and later Jenny),
talk to him and kiss him good-by was the most healing event in
retrospect (though it sounded kinky when the nurses suggested it).
Finally, hospitals aren't good about deaths in general, even though
people die all the time (probably a daily occurance in some large
hospitals). I was the lucky recient of the call announcing my
grandfather's death--the caller just said "Mr So-and-so passed away,
what do you want done with the body, we need an answer in twenty-four
hours, bye." I don't think they train the people who make those
calls.
-John Bishop
|
| 502.26 | | BRAT::WOODARD | | Fri Apr 23 1993 18:43 | 57 |
| Our daughter Chelsey was stillborn when I was 1 1/2 weeks overdue.
Wentworth Douglas Hospital couldn't have done much better in handling
everything that had happened.
The staff was very supportive. One of the nurses on the floor who had
lost a baby and helped to run the support group came in and talked with
us for a while about things that had happened and might happen.
They gave us a choice as to whether we wanted to stay on the maternity
floor or somewhere else in the hospital. When we chose to stay on the
maternity floor they gave us a private room at the end of the hall and
put a picture on the door so that anyone entering the room would know
that we had suffered a loss. They also brought in a cot so that my
husband could stay the night.
After Chelsey was born, they didn't rush us. We were allowed to take
as much time as we felt we needed with her.
Before we left they gave us a package that contained all kinds of books
and pamphlets on infant loss. It also had the name and phone number
for the support group and the names of some therapists that deal with
infant loss.
Another thing that was nice was that the midwife that delivered Chelsey
called every 2-3 weeks for a few months to check on how we were doing
and to talk about everything that had happened.
I have to agree with a lot of the other notes here in that the pictures
the hospital took were poor. Luckly we brought our own camera so we
were able to take some better pictures.
I also wish they had more strongly suggested counseling. We tried the
support group after about a month. I don't know if it was too soon for
us or we just picked a bad night but the few people there left us
feeling more depressed - kind of like the glass was always half empty -
we were looking for some hope that things would get better with time.
After about five months we finally went to a therapist who specializes
in infant loss. We wish that we had gone sooner - it would have helped
a lot and saved us from some of the problems that we have had.
As far as after leaving the hospital, we were lucky in that we had the
support of both of our families and a lot of friends. One thing that
really hurt was coming home and someone had moved the porter crib from
our bedroom into the baby's room. Just seeing it missing really made
things hit home. I know the intentions were good. But then again, if
it was still there it probably would have hurt just as much. I'm glad
that people didn't pack everything up. It would have felt as if people
were trying to pretend that Chelsey never existed. I've put away some
things myself. The next step is packing up the rest of the stuff with
my husband. The therapist said it would help to put some closure on
everything that happened and then when I'm pregnant again we will be
bringing out the things for a new baby not just keeping Chelsey's stuff
so the new baby could use them.
That's all I can think of for now. Sorry for rambling. If I think of
anything else I'll let you know.
|
| 502.27 | some moe insights | CLO::KOBILARCSIK | | Mon Apr 26 1993 15:28 | 63 |
|
I lost my son, Nicholas, at 20 weeks pregnant on Nov. 30, 1991. I
delivered him at Mt. Sinai Medical Center in Cleveland Ohio.
Most of my experiences with my OB, the nurses, etc. were positive ones.
My OB had hand picked the nurses to care for me that day. It helped
that we had a few days to plan it and that he sits on the board of
directors at this hospital.
The first nurse had lost a child at 8 weeks old to SIDS. She came and
sat on the end of my bed and talked to me for quite awhile before they
started inducing me. She was the first to suggest holding him and at
that time I didn't think I wanted to. She didn't push, no one there
did, but she shared with me experiences of others who didn't hold their
babies and then regretted it later. And she said no one she knew that
held their baby ever lived to regret it.
Another thing that was really good for my husband and relatives in the
waiting room was a social worker that came by. I was too drugged up at
the time to talk to her (they were very generous with painkillers
during those 24 hours it took), so she talked to my husband a great
deal and then went to the waiting room and talked to my parents,
in-laws and SIL, who 'camped out' in the lobby for all 24 hours. She
told them about how I might be feeling afterwards, what to say to me,
what not to say to me, how it would take a very long time to get
through the grief, how they could help me get through it, and how
important it was for me to hold him, and for all of them to hold him
too.
This is what convinced them to hold him. When my husband told me that
everyone wanted to come in and hold Nicholas, I knew for sure that I
would too. They all gave me the strength to do this and they had the
strength because of that social worker.
I realize now, my only reasons for not wanting to hold him came from
pure fear and my family together helped me overcome that fear thanks to
this woman. I cringe when I think, what if she and the nurses hadn't
gently urged us? I know I would've regretted it my whole life.
The hospital actually sent a nurse TO MY HOUSE a few days later to give
me a quick physical AND emotional check-up. I wasn't really ready to
talk about the emotional side too much, but had lots of questions about
what was happening to me physically, and she answered everything in the
privacy of my home. This was great! Then she wrote everything down
for me (thank goodness).
The nurse that helped deliver him in the end was the best too,
afterwards, she hugged me and cried with me.
This has nothing to do with the professionals who helped me that day,
but by far, the best thing anyone said to me that week and since, came
from my favorite Aunt, who suffered several miscarriages and lost a
baby at 4.5 months. She called a few days after and I started to cry
immediately upon hearing her voice. She said, "It's ok, you don't have
to say anything right now, just listen. When you are ready to talk, I'm
here. I'll come over and we'll sit and talk. Did you name him?" I
managed to get out a 'yes' and told her Nicholas. She said "Good, now
we have a Nicholas in the family".
I remains the best thing anyone has said to me since.
Peace to everyone in here!
Loreen
|
| 502.28 | Born too soon, sort of realistic | SALES::LTRIPP | | Wed Apr 28 1993 14:17 | 13 |
| Just wondering how many of us watched the movie last Sunday "Born too
soon"? Although it was obviously very "Hollywood", it was at the same
time extrmely realistic. I'm not sure that premies progress quite that
way, but what I can say is that it was one of those "box of tissue"
type movies. The ending was something I really shed a lot of tears
over. I think it was based on a true story, real family. The mother
kept blaming the air flight on her premature labor. True or false, who
knows. But with all the corporate travel this company does, it really
makes you stop and think. I'm just glad my job doesn't require me to
travel.
sniff!
Lyn
|
| 502.29 | Can't watch that | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Wed Apr 28 1993 14:55 | 17 |
| There is some kind of unspoken agreement between Alan and I
that we don't watch those kinds of movies any more. I am usually
under very good control, but since Daniel's birth, I seem
to be very out of control, and I feel surprised and embarrassed
each time I loose that control (did it once in a movie theatre
with some friends).
Very brave of you, Lyn!
I also refuse to go on training (i.e. travel) when pregnant and
my manager respects that. Not so much for the flight, but that I will
be alone in a strange place (without Canadian Medicare!), in case of
trouble. But that is another subject.
Monica
|
| 502.30 | it still hurts even now | SALES::LTRIPP | | Wed Apr 28 1993 19:42 | 17 |
| I need add an interesting reflection. Last weekend I was given a
flower corsage, as a sort of "thank you" for participating in a
function. What I have done in the past is to take them to Stacy's
grave, and use one of the large stick pins to sort of anchor it to the
ground so it won't blow away. I just realized that the week is almost
over and I haven't brought the flowers to her. I guess the mind is
making me forget them, because it seems just as hard now as it was the
day we lost her.
We have started a tradition of leaving pink sweetheart roses, one for
each year she would have been, on her birth date. I have the florist
do one of those tiny enclosure cards, and seal it in plastic, and put
something like Happy Birthday, we miss you, love mom and dad.
Too much for now, got to go find a tissue.
Lyn
|
| 502.31 | I watched the movie, and cried | UTOPIA::CHADSEY | | Thu Apr 29 1993 11:03 | 6 |
| I watched the movie, born too soon...... It reminded me again at what
an amazing mircle it was that my Heather survived at all..... (She was
smaller, younger and sicker then the baby in the movie) The major
thing that I learned from my experience with Heather is that there are
no guareentees on how long our children are with us. That each moment
is a precious gift.
|
| 502.32 | TRUE STORY, THERE'S A BOOK | CSOA1::KOBILARCSIK | | Thu Apr 29 1993 14:24 | 28 |
|
I didn't watch the movie - didn't think it wise right now. However,
she (the mother portrayed in the movie) wrote a book about it. Yes,
it's a true story, and I did read an excerpt of the book last year. It
was in Reader's Digest 'book feature'. Can't remember which month but
have it at home.
I don't know how the movie ended, I assume with Emily's death. I hope
they told you though that Elizabeth and Fox (the parents) went on to
have a son and named him Sam.
I don't know if this is true or not, but a doctor told me (not an OB)
that flying above 30,000 feet is equivalent to receiving a low dose
x-ray. Of course, thousands of pregnant women fly with no problems
and thousands of pregnant women have x-rays before they know their
pregnant (or after if benefit out weighs risk) and their babies are
OK. Personally, you wouldn't even get me through that security thing
at the airport (which my doctor says also emits some radiation -
like standing next to a microwave for a minute, which I also don't do).
Plus, like Monica said, if anything's going to happen, I want to be
here, with my doctor and my husband.
I did go to Chicago during my first month, didn't know I was pregnant.
Bummer.
Loreen
|
| 502.33 | AIr travel? | DV780::DORO | | Thu Apr 29 1993 17:04 | 6 |
|
Can anyone point to any studies on the air travel thing? I was very
lucky; no problems and I have to fly a fair amount with this position,
but it always made me nervous.
Jamd
|
| 502.34 | back to the subject | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Fri Apr 30 1993 15:08 | 20 |
| At the risk of usurping a moderator's role here, I would like
to ask folks to go back to the subject I introduced in the basenote.
I am also guilty here of riding through this slight rat hole, but
I would like to help put this back on track.
I have started to ask around for other people who are connected
to various hospitals here in Canada about their staff and their
procedures involved in perinatal loss. I've already gotten some
mail from some of you about other private contacts. I would
be very grateful to anyone who "happens to have a chat" with
their neighbor who is a nurse, for instance, that could garner
us more names from more places.
And so far, I thank you ALL for these wonderful portraits of
your terrible losses. I am very pleased at how open you all
are about this, and as always, thanks for supporting ME with
my loss. This is the kind of thing that helps me remember my
Daniel all the better.
Monica
|
| 502.35 | eight years, and still teary | SALES::LTRIPP | | Thu Jun 10 1993 20:42 | 9 |
| Tomorrow, June 11 is the 8th anniversary of Stacy's birth, and our
loss. I guess I just had to tell somebody, because I still get teary
eyed about it. It doesn't get any better, eight years later.
We will bring the traditional pink sweetheart roses to her grave, one
for each year. Someone here at work said today I looked a little
"down" Guess it still shows. No one here knows about my loss.
Lyn
|
| 502.36 | hugs... | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Thu Jun 10 1993 21:23 | 10 |
| >>> No one here knows about my loss.
But, we know, Lyn. Many hugs (next week is the 2nd anniversary
of Daniel's burial (planting of the blue spruce and burial of
his ashes beneath it).
Me too.
Thanks for sharing.
Monica
|
| 502.37 | | SUPER::WTHOMAS | | Fri Jun 11 1993 01:29 | 7 |
|
Yes, we here know about both (and all the rest of you who have had
the courage to share) of your losses.
Much sympathy and healing wishes to you all.
Wendy
|
| 502.38 | | CSC32::DUBOIS | Discrimination encourages violence | Fri Jun 11 1993 20:51 | 38 |
| for those hard days...
Carol
hug hug hug hug
hug hug hug hug
hug hug * hug hug
hug hug * * hug hug
hug * HUG * hug
hug hug * * hug hug
hug hug * hug hug
hug hug hug hug
hug hug hug hug
hug hug hug hu
ug hug h
hug hug
hug hug
hug hug
hug hug hug hug
hug hug hug HUG hug hug hug
hug hug hug hug hug hug
hug hug hug hug hug hug
hug hug hug hug hug hu
ug hug hug hug hug hug h
hug hug hug hug
hug hug hug hug
hug hug
|
| 502.39 | How to say I'm thrilled when.... | SALES::LTRIPP | | Wed Jun 23 1993 16:32 | 36 |
| I really need to tell anyone who will listen that I'm having a hard time
right now. Specifically my husband's "kid" sister called last Monday
night to my inlaws, we happened to be there celebrating Father's day a
day late at the time. She was calling to let her parents know that the
EPT test had turned bright pink, and she was pregnant.
Don't get me wrong, I really am thrilled. In fact I knew she was
having some infertility problems and was even going to enter a note
about it here. But now that she is pregnant I am having a very hard
time dealing with it. I guess I feel somehow jelous, cheated, I'm not
sure exactly what I'm feeling. I'm scared to death that she could
miscarry, have a stillborn like we did, have a child with birth
defects, and so much more. I guess I want to be happy for her, but the
realities that I've experienced over child bearing is sort of getting
in the way. the jealous feelings are knowing that I would love to have
another child, but know I can't conceive without much "ado", planning,
hormones, and 9 months of terror. I don't know how to tell her I'm
thrilled for her, she too knows the heartbreak of infertility problems,
without sounding pessimisitic, or is it realistic, or bursting her
bubble.
She's not due until February, and I'm already having anxiety over
dealing with the Christmas holidays, which will be sure to be filled
with 'baby things", and a baby shower which I ofcourse will be
obligated to attend and act thrilled to be there.
Ironic as it may sound, this is the woman who announced several times
publicly that she wanted absolutely NO children, no time or patience
for them. But when she got bit by the "need children" bug, she really
went for it bigtime!
Sorry for babbling, I guess I need some feedback to sort out what I'm
really feeling about this, considering where I'm coming from.
Lyn
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| 502.40 | Take care of you | CSC32::DUBOIS | Discrimination encourages violence | Wed Jun 23 1993 19:15 | 18 |
| Your feelings are perfectly normal, Lyn. It is understandable that
you would have this anxiety, jealousy, anger, fear, etc.
Now you need to let go.
Take it one day at a time, if you need to. Don't worry about Christmas,
the baby shower, and so on. Just think of today. If your mind strays to
fearful things about what might happen to this baby, then concentrate
on something else. Your worrying won't help her, and in this case it will
only cause you more grief.
If you need to take care of you for your own loss, do it. Do something (lots
of things) nice for yourself. Take care of yourself and let her take care
of her for now.
Hugs and love,
Carol
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| 502.41 | faith | KAOFS::M_BARNEY | Formerly Ms.Fett | Wed Jun 23 1993 19:18 | 14 |
| Lyn, remember how you needed to reassure yourself each day, each
moment that your pregnancy with AJ wouldn't end in tragedy? How at
times you were pessimistic but then looked around and noticed how
everyone else seemed to do it, so why not you? Dig for that precarious
balance you did then, the hope you needed to have and make that feeling
help you deal with your sil's pregnancy.
Your SIL knows about your experiences, she knows her risks (probably
more acutely so, as a result of your experiences than more other
first time expectant mothers).
Bring out that hope, give AJ a hug and know that things CAN and WILL
turn out okay.
Monica
(I get scared when ANYONE I know gets pregnant!)
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| 502.42 | | HELIX::LEGER | | Wed Jun 23 1993 20:35 | 20 |
| Lyn
I can understand where you are coming from....The same thing happned to
me a few months ago... ( I lost one, and the S-I-L who wanted NO more
kids etc, became prego...) I too had a hard time dealing with it, and
knowing what to say/act, and did not look forward to seeing them at
family gatherings...
This note file, and all the people in it have been a wonderful support
line, and I just know that as time progresses, you will find it easier
to deal with, as I have.
Right now, I am 10 wks along, and I am still very nervous that
something is going to happen, while she is at 5 months, and showing and
having a normal pregnancy.....
My thoughts are with you....
Anne Marie
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