Conference moira::parenting

    There was a note on this topic on V2 (or V3?) which had about 15 or so
    replies, every single one of which voted FOR keeping the older child in
    daycare, either full- or part-time during your leave.  I went back to
    find this note because I've been wondering the same thing.  Right now,
    when I go on STD in February, I'm planning on reducing Marc's hours
    at the daycare center to probably two or three mornings a week, assuming
    we can afford the cost (since I'm also planning on 8 weeks unpaid
    leave), and my husband can share some of the driving.

    
    With a newborn and a 1 1/2 year old, you can bet that I'll be sending
    Spencer to the babysitters for most of my maternity leave in March. For
    the first few weeks, things will be so hectic that having Spencer
    around will not be fun. We'll see after that, I may decide to keep him
    home a few days a week but he will most definitely be spending at least
    mornings over there.
    
    			Wendy

    Steven was old enough when David was born that he would have seen
    having to leave his preschool environment as having the baby
    deprive him of something important to him, so we kept him in
    school. 
    
    --bonnie

    My two oldest are two years apart - when Ryan was born, Adam (then 2)
    went to the sitters two days a week - that way he stayed in the
    "routine" of going to the sitters but still got to spend time with me
    at home with the baby.
    
    When the third one came along, we worked it pretty much the same way -
    a couple of days at the sitters for the older two, preschool schedule
    uninterrupted for the oldest and plenty of time with the new baby.
    
    Linda

    We kept Eric at daycare full-time when Monica was born.  We did
    pick him up a little earlier in the afternoon.  We tried our
    best not to change his schedule.  Meanwhile, I got to spend all
    my energy on the baby.
    
    Wendy

    James went to the sitter's 3 days a week while I was on M-leave
    with Hollis.  His little friend Kevin also goes to the same 
    sitter, so I checked the schedules and sent James on the same
    days that Kevin was going to be there.  This way he would have
    someone to play with.  It was a good idea.  I felt lousy after
    the birth and needed the time to get my own act together and
    bond with the baby.
    
    It can be a tremendous help if your spouse/SO/family will take
    the older child on special outings once in a while.  Mike got
    in the habit of taking James to the driving range, to Grandma's
    to fix the plumbing, etc., etc.  The only thing is, don't build
    this up too much; otherwise, trips to the store, which the child
    would normally enjoy, tend to lose their luster.  Hope you understand
    what I mean.

    Depends on the situations...I was an at home parent when my babies were
    born.  My second came just before my first was 2 yrs old.  There were
    no added complications, no struggles, no hectic lifestyle to
    accomodate.  We adjusted beautifully!  However, if your first is
    accustomed to being in care, then maybe you should consider leaving
    them there (if you can afford it) simply to reduce stress and
    unnecessary change on their schedule.  
    
    Good luck on your leave and with the new one!!!
    
    -sandy
    

         Looks like I'm in the minority here.  I kept my first born home
    during my maternity leave with #2, as by that time he was 3 and was
    starting to complain about having to go to the sitters all the time. 
    He loved his sitter, he just wanted to stay home for a change.  I am
    glad I did.  During this time, I enrolled him in swim/gym classes and
    join a mother's playgroup, both of which I couldn't do while I am
    working.  Also, I built a rose garden which he would help me out with
    on dumping topsoil into the garden.  
    
         I felt I gave both of my kids the time they needed.  One of the
    finest moments is when I was nursing the baby, I would read a story to
    the older child at the same time.  It was good bonding for all of us.
    
    Diane
    

    
    I also kept my almost 3 year old home with me after the birth of the
    second.  The first two weeks I had help from my mother, so Katie had
    someone to give her a little extra attention when I rested with the
    baby.
    
    There are times I wish I had more "alone" time with Michelle, but I
    did enjoy spending more time with my oldest.  After all, newborns
    sleep quite a bit in the beginning.  In fact, I expected the demands
    of the new baby would be much more than they actually were (maybe
    due to experience with the first) so it was nice to have those
    "alone" times with my oldest when Michelle was sleeping.
    
    BTW, I wondered if the adjustment after 3 months at home with Mom
    would be hard when she returned to the sitters, but there was no
    problem with the transition for either child.
    
    Sue

    Because my second was born in the summer, my older one was home more
    than he would have been, due to nursery school vacation. He did go to a
    part time playgroup all summer - I think I kept him home from group
    *one* day because he does better with a regular structure to his days,
    and I needed to nap when the baby napped, but he was home a lot.
    
    Then he went back to preschool in the fall and really was miserable. 
    He felt kicked out of the nest. We coped by not rushing him or pushing 
    him; we let him wear weird clothes if he wanted, and so on. He got 
    over it by Halloween and really enjoyed the rest of his school year.
    
    Lucy

    I kept my 3-year old son in daycare when I was home on leave with my
    2nd child.  I didn't want to disrupt Daniel's schedule, and I wanted my
    daughter to have some time alone with me (just like her brother did),
    before I went back to work.
    
    My son did seem to act up for a couple of months after the baby was
    born.  I'm not sure if it was due to his going to school while Mommy
    and the new baby were home, or the adjustment he was making to having a 
    new sister, or if was just due to his being a typical 3-year old...It
    was probably due to some combination of all those things.
      
    We all got through those few months fine, and I'm still glad we kept Daniel 
    in school while I was on leave; but I've since changed my work schedule 
    to 32 hours, so that I can spend more time at home with both the children.
                            

When my second is born (Halloween-time), we plan on my older one still going
to daycare.  She'll be just weeks short of 2 years old, and loves playing with
her friends at "school".

I expect we'll roll out of bed later in the AM, and while Grammy and Grandpa are
here helping, they'll take her on some special day trips.  We plan to make sure
she gets individual time with each of us every day.  

I think leaving her in daycare everyday will reduce the stress of a new sister or
brother.  It will hopefully minimize the changes in her day-to-day routine.

But, we're going to stay flexible and see how it goes...


Pat

    My daughter was just short two weeks of turning two years old when my
    son was born.  Her babysitter was a close friend and also due to
    deliver her firstborn around the same time my second was due.  She
    ended up telling us the day after my son was born that she would no
    longer be able to take care of my daughter.  So I ended up going home
    with a brand new baby and a soon to be two year old.  My husband did
    not take any time off to be home with us and I ended up handling
    everything all by my lonesome.  I guess that's why we only have two
    kids now.  I never want to go thru that again as long as I live.  My
    daughter had been so used to being the center of attention at all times
    and I was totally unprepared for her behavior.  It would have been a
    lot easier if I had had some help those first few days.  We did okay
    after my daughter accepted the baby, but it was fun the first few days. 
    She reacted very negatively from the first day she saw him.  Every
    chance she got, she would try to throw something at him, so I really
    had my hands full.  Those of you who are fortunate to have your mothers
    around, I really envy you.  You don't know how lucky you are!!!  If
    anyone offers to help don't hesitate to take their offer.  And if you
    can afford to keep the first child in daycare, then take advantage of
    that option.  You do need time alone with the new baby and you do need
    time to recover from the delivery.  And the firstborn child needs lots
    of help adjusting to sharing mommy.  I was just lucky that my son was
    such an angel during all that time.  He was such a good baby, and a
    very happy baby.  Good luck to all of you with your new arrivals and
    just remember to give the first one a little extra attention.
    
    regards,
    
    lynne
    
    

    I want to reply to what a previous noter said, about the older child
    being real hard to handle.  That happened to us, too.  My son was
    indifferent to the baby, but was he ever snotty with me!  I tried
    to let it roll off my back, because "he's just a baby" but it was
    very hurtful. To top it all off, my husband's idea of "helping out"
    was to take him on special outings.  So needless to say, my son's
    time with me was considered "not fun," at least in his view.  I tried
    to take him bowling, etc., etc., but I was breastfeeding for the
    first few weeks and I felt like garbage anyway, so it was very
    difficult.  No help was forthcoming from either side of the family,
    to top it all off.  So expect some acting out on the part of the older
    child, and don't expect too much of yourself.  I spent most days
    crying.

    I'm going to try a little different approach...I want my first to be
    able to choose the days he wants to go to daycare and those he stays
    at home with mommy and the new baby.  Justin will be ~25 months when
    the baby is born (due in mid-December) and I try already to let him 
    help with the decisions that affect him personnaly.  Thank goodness 
    I have a very cooperative day care provider, she said whatever works 
    for us will work for her too...and we just started with her the first 
    of this month.  My relatives are in town, but not physically able to
    do much with son, so on those occasions that I do need a break I will
    do my best to explain that to my eldest and ask him if he could go
    to daycare for a little while to let mommy rest or whatever.  I'm not
    saying this will work, it's just what I want to try.  Of course a lot
    will depend on any restrictions your provider may have, I am very
    fortunate in that area.  I talked with several people when interviewing
    for a new provider that said if I was only going to bring my son part
    time or no time that I would have to pay the full amount each week I
    was out to hold open my slot.  As it is, my provider will charge on
    a weekly, daily or hourly basis, depending on the amount of time Justin
    is in her care.  
    
    Hope this helps, good luck...
    
    Von

    Avanti (3 yrs old) is very active ALL DAY LONG. I don't know how she
    can keep going. So when Neel (4 months old) was born we sent her to
    preschool (1) so that we would not break her daily routine (she is a
    slave to routine) and (2) she would be too exhausting to handle for my
    in-laws who care for Neel when I work.
    
    Starting a new thing (ANYTHING!) with Avanti is quite difficult since
    she does not take to change very easily. If we cut her days to
    preschool then it would be difficult when my in-laws return to India
    and she would have to go to preschool ona fulltime basis.
    
    Shaila

When our new one arrives (January), we plan on keeping our son in daycare
on a part-time basis.  He so enjoys playing with the other kids and I would
hate to take that away from him, especially when the demands of the baby
won't allow me to spend time with him.  Both my husbands and my families are
not in the area so we can't rely on help there.

But, I do look forward to spending a little more time with him that I have
been able to with a full-time job :-)

Another consideration, is the daycare center itself.  If weI keep Christopher
in on a parttime basis, it guarantees his place for full-time care again.
If we take him out altogether, then the center will try to fill the empty slot.
You should check this out with your sitter or center as well.

    
    
    
    We plan on sending our daughter to day-care part time, but I'm not sure
    what is best.  What I mean is do I send her for partial days, but EVERY
    day, or do I send her M, W, F (keeping her home with me and the baby on
    Tues. and Thurs), or send her T, W, TH.  What has worked best for you.
    
    She is showing us that she does not want to go to day-care at all...she
    wants Mom to stay at home with her.  I don't want her to think that the
    baby gets to stay home with Mom and she has to go off for the day. 
    But, I definatley feel she needs to continue to go to day-care - to
    keep up some type of routine.
    
    
    
    
    Robin

You didn't mention whether your daughter was in daycare fulltime
already or not but...
...our son Christopher was in daycare M-F all day until I had my
daughter.  I kept him home with me the first week just to get 
adjusted (I also had my mother at home to help me out that week).
We changed his schedule to M,W,F all day after that.  The time he
gets to play with other children is very important to him and us.

This was recommended by the daycare provider because sometimes an
extended stay at home (like doing T,W,Th and staying home F-M) makes
the transition back into the daycare environment more difficult to
adjust too.  We have found this to be very true.

I wasn't real strict about his staying in daycare every M,W,F though.
If the weather was bad, or if he had a bad night, or truly didn't want
to go to daycare, I usually let him stay at home.  He really wasn't too
kean on the idea that Mom was staying at home.

Once I returned to work though, the routine is great with him.  We've
hired a "nanny" to take care of the baby M-F (Christopher had the same
care until he was two) and she has him on T and Th.  So far, so good!

    
    
    Kati (my three year old) is going full time M-F.  
    
    I was thinking M, W, F would be the best choice, for the same reason
    you mentioned that being home for 4 days would be hard to go back on
    Tuesday.  How did you child feel about you being home with the baby,
    and he went off for the day to day-care?
    
    	Robin
    
    

    Robin,
    
    My son was 3.5 when my daughter was born. He continued in his summer
    playgroup (three half-days a week) for several more weeks after her
    birth with no problems. We all found it helpful to keep up his routine. 
    
    However, when his second year at nursery school started about six 
    weeks after Charlotte's birth, he really was not happy. He didn't throw
    fits, but he whined and complained, and his teacher (who knew him well)
    commented that he wasn't his usual chipper self. By the end of October
    he was over the worst of it and had returned for the most part to the
    curious, bright, enthusiastic boy we know and love! 
          
    While it was hard for us to keep taking him to school during those
    weeks when he was unhappy, I'm glad that we did, because routine and
    predictability are important to him. We reminded him that school was
    *his* special place where there were people who loved *him*, and we
    also made a game of listing all the things he could do that the baby
    couldn't. So, yes, he did feel pushed out of the nest, briefly.
     
    Lucy

Re .20:

Robin,

Christopher had some days where he just wanted to be home with
me instead of going to daycare.  And a few times I let him stay
with me.  I was concerned about him getting jealous of Allison
and didn't want to over emphasize that I needed the time with
her.  In general his reaction to going to daycare was pretty 
good, a little iffy when he first got into the room, but often
quickly remedied by some activity or friend of his.  I also made
an effort to pick him up a little earlier than we had been while
I was working, I think that helped a bit.

I don't recall ever saying to him he had to go to daycare because
of his little sister, I figured that would start some jealousy 
that I didn't need to handle as well.  As a result he is extremely
affectionate towards her and wants to do all he can when she cries.

It helped too that we moved his bedroom (his choice) and I was 
spending some of that "free" time painting and wallpapering his
room and buying him a new dresser and bookcase.  Each week he'd
see his room becoming a little more complete and he found it quite
exciting.

In all, it was easier than I thought it was going to be and I do 
think that the teachers at the daycare helped alot in making him
a part of the daily activities.  He also enjoyed the opportunity
of showing off his new little sister to the rest of the kids :-)

		- Marji

    Avanti was 3 when Neel was born. So as not to break her routine we
    continued to send her to preschool fulltime. Occassionally she was
    "treated" to staying home with us.
    
    She loved being at preschool more than home since she was busy in
    preschool while at home Mommy had to care for her little brother all
    day.
    
    Shaila

    I was curious if anyone had any suggestions on compensation for
    your day care provider while you are on maternity leave. What you 
    had done in the past for a home day care situation.
    
    Thanks,
    Carole

    I think Carole, that you have to understand that many day-care 
    situations would not be adaptable to this idea - for us in Canada,
    our leave is usually about 6 months long. What more is that my
    arrangement with my provider is strictly on a week to week basis,
    that is, the only way I have to pay for a day that Charlotte is 
    not at her house is when I call her THAT morning. Otherwise, she
    does not expect to be paid for a day she did not take care of my
    daughter.
    
    I am considering the idea of bringing her for the occasional day
    when I am on leave, so that she still recognizes her surroundings
    (also will put the pressure off of me to take care of a new
    born AND a two year old.....that needs practice, I think).
    
    Monica

While I was on leave (4 months) I continued to send my daughter to daycare part-time.
We found several benefits to this:

	  1) My babysitter continued to get enough income that she was not tempted 
	     to take another child in my daughter's place.  

	  2) I got some special time each week that I could devote exclusively to my 
	     new baby.

	  3) I found it easier to cope with the new challenges of taking care of
	     two children knowing that help was on it's way.  (I generally considered
	     the day Michelle was at the babysitter's to be my "day off")

	  4) My older child maintained some of her old routine of going to the
	     babysitter's house so my return to work was not a major change.