Conference moira::parenting

    I was a miserable wreck!!!   I was so sad couldn't concentrate, 
    missed her constantly!!!!   Fought with hubby who couldn't understand
    since I saw her for a few waking hours each evening what my problem
    was!  He honestly believed I would walk out one day and we would 
    have a single salary to deal with......it got better....she's 5 1/2 
    months now and I still wish I could be there all the time....but it's 
    just not the time (so I am anxiously awaiting # 2 so I can quit!)
    I would say that that on the verge on tears feelings got better after
    1 to 1 1/2 months back at work...and it kinda does come and go after 
    that....i know at least twenty people at dec that are amazed i am still
    here!      (INCLUDING ME!!!)
    

    Dear Justine,
    
    You didn't say how old your daughter is, I assume she is between 6
    weeks and 3 months.
    
    I returned to work when my daughter was 8 weeks old.  It was really
    difficult.  In a way I was lucky that it was a real necessity; that way
    I felt less guilty.
    
    I think your weepiness may be due to post-partum.  It's less obvious
    when you are home and can sleep or eat anytime you want, and don't have
    the rigid schedule and high professional expectations of a job to
    contend with.  I feel my post-partum adjustment lasted about a year. 
    Hormones - maybe.  Certainly becoming a mother is one of life's major
    adjustments.
    
    Are you getting enough sleep?  If you are still up at night with your
    baby, the fatigue and disorientation will affect you.
    
    I tried to continue breastfeeding doing between 5:30 pm and 7 a.m.  It
    didn't work.  My milk supply dried up.  Some women are able to
    breastfeed for just part of the day, and some are able to pump at work
    and keep it all together.  I couldn't.  Your nutritional needs are even
    more crucial now that you are working.  I hope you still have a supply
    of pregnancy vitamins.  If you can't keep breastfeeding, don't beat
    yourself up.  Your baby will thrive on the bottle, and remember that
    the most important thing is the mother-child bond.
    
    Another hurdle you are facing is trusting your daycare provider.  In
    PARENTING you will see lots of discussion on the topic of daycare. 
    Even when you have excellent, reliable care, it is not easy to give up
    your baby to go to work.
    
    In summary, you are now dealing with a lot of changes in your life,
    with new responsibilities, with your body's adjustments, and with any
    obstacles facing you on return from your leave.  I didn't even mention
    the adjustments in marital and family relationships.
    
    Try to take it easy and not expect too much from yourself right now. 
    You are already doing a lot.  Take care of the essentials, try to take
    care of yourself, and let the rest go.  Accept whatever help friends
    and family, and most important, your spouse, are offering.
    
    Over time, you will work things out.  Your child will grow and thrive
    and you will develop a new daily routine.
    
    Read the PARENTING strings on sleep, breastfeeding, and daycare. 
    There's lots of good information in both this and the previous file. 
    Get one good baby book and read it well.  It will give you greater
    confidence as a parent.
    
    You're doing fine, kiddo!  And you're following in the footsteps of
    many of us who have somehow managed to juggle it all.
    
    Laura
    

    
    
    	Thanks for the quick responses...
    
    	My daughter is 3 months old, and my husband is taking care of her 
    	since his company decided they weren't going to make computers
    	anymore (okay, yet another added stress!)  I was hoping DEC would
    	see fit to lay me off and HE could keep working!  Funny how some
    	things work out.
    
    	I can't help but beat myself up over the breast feeding thing -
    	I really enjoy it and hate to see it go, so I'm going to keep
    	trying.  I've read the breast feeding note (thanks), and am
    	trying to eat right and sleep (my daughter HAD a great schedule
    	until I came back to work!)
    
    	I guess I won't quit yet...
    
    	Justine
    	

    
    	Re: .2 Laura,
    
    	My son is 8 mos old, I've been back to work since he was 2.5 mos
    	old, and "I" needed to hear everything you just wrote! Still!
    
    	I guess it has gotten easier since the very beginning, but I can
    	certainly relate with the "amazement that your still here" comment!
    	Every single week I wrack my brian trying to come up with SOME	
    	valid reason, or way that I could stay home with Michael.  The
    	The bottom line of it for us is insurances. I think I could make
    	enough at a night job to bring home my basic weeks pay, but the 
    	cost of insurances would wipe it right out if we did not have 
    	company coverage and Metpay.  Unfortunatly my husband just started
    	a new job and has no insurance for 3 mos, then it will take 5 yrs
    	before he has 100%!  
    
    	Its tough!  I'm not really one that could give any advice, or that 
    	can say it gets better, cause in my opinion, it doesn't. It gets 
    	harder. When they start doing things like crawling, standing,
    	climbing, eating solids, new teeth etc...  and you miss out on some
    	of it, its really hard emotionally.  There is a little part of me, 
    	the selfish part, that kind wishes I'd get that "tap" on the 
    	shoulder here at DEC, and then it wouldn't be my fault, and I would
    	get what I want: To be home with my son.   I know financially the 
    	unemployment couldn't last, but just to even have a couple of more
    	full months of him.  He's growing so fast, and I feel like I am 
    	missing so much.  I too knew it would be tough returning to work,
    	but I REALLY didn't realise it would be THIS TOUGH! Another tough
    	part of it is when you work all week, and only get to see them for
    	a few hours a night, then you have functions to go to on weekends
    	(ie: weddings, funerals, etc) for family that you MUST attend, but 
    	not really appropriate for an infant, and you have to leave them
    	again!  1 weekend I only saw my son for about 10 hours all weekend
    	due to wakes/funeral of my mother in law, then the work week came, 
    	then the following weekend we had a graduation party (night), and 
    	a wedding the next night. I was a BASKETCASE!!!!!!! I missed him 
    	SO much!
    
    	One thing I can suggest that I do on really tough days is, I keep
    	a cloth covered journal here at work, and I write entries to
    	Michael in it. Almost makes me feel like I am talking to him. 
    	I tell him what he's doing new this week (crawling, eating solids,
    	etc...), and I tell him how much I miss him. I tell him how happy
    	he makes me feel when we're together, etc..    It may sound corney,
    	but I do feel it helps.  And I think it will be a nice gift to him
    	someday when he grows up and has a child of his own. I think he
    	will enjoy reading it.
    
    	I'll be reading every entry in this string for help myself!
    
    	Chris
    
    

    I, too, miss my son TERRIBLY when I'm at work.  I've had the mornings
    of crying in the car while driving to work after just dropping him off
    at daycare, and the afternoons of jealousy when the daycare providers
    tell me of some wonderful new thing he has done that they witnessed but
    I missed.  
    
    Basically, I'm furious that I was born into this generation, where it
    requires two salaries to maintain an average middle-class lifestyle. 
    In my parent's time, one average salary could pay for one average
    family to live in an average home.  But during the '70's when women
    fought to return to the workplace, they also drove up the average
    family income, which in turn drove up prices (supply and demand), so
    now it requires two salaries to live an average lifestyle.  
    
    When I tell my mother or my mother-in-law that I work because we need
    the money, they say "Well, couldn't you cut back on your lifestyle a
    little bit?"  What they don't realize is that the money I'm bringing in
    isn't paying for vacations or cars or something like that.  It's going
    toward the mortgage and heat and groceries.  Sometimes I honestly think
    about selling our house and moving back to an apartment so that my
    salary wouldn't be needed and I could stay home.  
    
    When I read the previous notes in this string, I can feel the deep
    sorrow and anguish that the mothers are feeling by leaving their
    children, just as I feel.  And I think it's unnatural for a mother to
    have to leave her children.  What is our society coming to when we
    force mothers away from their babies just so those parents can provide
    adequate food and shelter for those babies?  
    
    This rambling note probably will anger some women, as I'm probably
    coming across as anti-feminist.  I'm not.  I just wish that in our
    ecomony, one salary could support a family, and then the father OR the
    mother could choose to stay home and raise the children.  
    
    Jane

    
    re last
    
    I can't agree with you more!  We too have been considering moving 
    back to an apt so that I can stay home. It means THAT much to give up
    the dream of owning a home.  And youre right, its not to have "extra"
    that we work, its too survive!
    
    I never thought it would be this hard. I told myself, "well, other
    women do it, so can I"...I was wrong!  Its a major turmoil with me 
    every single week! It seriously hurts! And I can relate to the "anger"
    felt...it overwhelms me. 
    
    Someone may turn around and say "then why did you decide to have kids"?
    Well, as I said I never imagined the "emotions" to be this deep, this
    strong. Its somthing you can't realise UNTIL you become a parent.
    
    Glad to here there are others out there that feel as bad as I do.
    Its nice to feel so "alone".
    
    Chris
    

    I was the total opposite. I had no problem coming back to work after 8
    weeks. Because I knew my husband was home during the day with Danielle
    and that she was in good hands. It also gave him a chance to bond with
    her on a 1 on 1 basis, and he really appreciated the time alone with
    her. I never felt guilty about not being there, I would call home once
    a day and he would tell me what she had done and how she was doing.
    After being home with her for the few weeks after birth, I needed the
    time away even if it meant having to come back to work. The feeling I
    had when I walked through the door at the end of the day to see her
    little face was so overwhelming. I don't think I would have changed the
    situation if I could have. I feel that I appreciated seeing her more 
    than if I was home all day with her, It gave me something to look
    forward to at the end of my day. I still after 2 yrs have that happy
    feeling when I come home from work and see her waiting at the door!
    
    sandy

    
    I honestly think everyone is different with going back to work. I 
    also have a very hard time leaving Emily at daycare, I don't have
    to many days that I don't cry all the way to work.  And now Emily
    is getting to the point she does not want me to leave her during
    the day.  I never knew it would be this hard to leave her.  Like
    some of the others have said, it is unbelievable that is requires
    2 paychecks to just survive.  If I knew then what I know now, I
    can honestly say I would not wanted to own a house.  I would have
    done that alot different.
    
    Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.  That does help.
    
    Lisa

Well, it isn't just the parents who *have* to work who have problems returning
to work.

18 months ago, I was in agony over returning to work.  But I felt guilty 
because I didn't want to be home, I *wanted* to go back to work.  Clearly, 
I must be an inadequate, uncaring, selfish mother (;-)).  I can't tell you how
many times I cried on my boss' and a co-worker's shoulders.  (Both men).

It was such a relief to have some "adult" time.  But I felt guilt at being happy 
to be back. People assume that the mothers of small children only work for the 
money, and that isn't always true. Some of us are very caring mothers who also 
want a out-of-the-house career.  It's very hard to be Superwoman.  I've given up
on that and am shooting for competant at work and good at mothering.

It's the hormones, the lack of sleep, and the unrelenting pressure of motherhood
and career.  There is no time off mentally.  If you aren't handling some
unexpected crisis, you're doing as many of tomorrow's chores as possible so you
will have time for tomorrow's unexpected crisis.

It gets dramatically better when you start getting enough sleep. Go to bed when
the baby does.  Consider pumping enough milk so the father can feed a bottle
every other night; that alone will make you feel better - if you can think of it
as the father and baby needing bonding time too (which they do).  And take time 
for yourself - mentally as well as physically - leave the baby in daycare an 
extra half-hour once a week and use the time for *you*.  It will help a lot.

Pat

    One thing to bear in mind when your child is still a baby - as they get
    older and start socializing, they enjoy daycare.  My daughter likes to
    play with her friends.  She understands and enjoys the rhythm of her
    week - 5 days at daycare to play, 2 days at home to get Mom and Dad's
    attention.  She is doing very well.
    
    I wish the US had a family policy to allow and support women to stay
    with their babies.  But in some ways it is much harder on the Mom than
    on Baby; the babies in good care do fine.  It just burns out the
    mothers.  
    
    L
    

    Maybe I'll walk down the hall and talk about it with you but for now...
    
    I think it gets better. Of course, for me, there is no alternative to
    working, not so long as I want to feed my daughter and myself...and it
    sounds as if, for now, you are in the same boat.
    
    I think the journal idea is a good one. I am keeping one at home where
    I write down how much I am enjoying her and how tired I am. Also, I
    make certain that I spend time with her, before work and on the
    weekends. In some ways, being a single parent pays off. I'm not
    splitting my time with anyone else when I am at home. I am the one who
    bathes her (and she enjoys the bath more now than when she was
    younger), I feed her breakfast and dinner, and I joined an infant
    exercise class on Saturdays to make sure I wouldn't get sucked into
    errands and laundry.
    
    What I am suggesting is that you will feel better as your relationship
    with her grows. As she gets older, the time you have together involves
    more mutual interaction. Wait until you pick her up and she pats you on
    the back ! You will get so much out of the time that you do have with
    her that life will be more balanced.
    
    Just don't waste your time at home on anything; spend it being with her
    in a very active way. 

    I agree it is much harder on the Mother than the children.  My 4 yr old
    gets upset when she can't go to daycare.  She loves being with her
    friends.  I just don't offer her the stimulation she needs.  My baby
    doesn't seem effected either way by going to daycare.  I am the one
    wracked with guilt and depression.  I would love to be home with the
    girls.  I can't tell you how many plans I have formulated to keep me
    home with them.  (None of them valid so far.)
    
    Hang in there,  Angie

    
    re .10
    
    I understand what you mean about it getting easier as they get older. 
    I think daycare is a good idea for the interaction with other children,
    etc...  But any ideas of what to do in the meantime???  From what I've
    been hearing its going to get worse when they starting really wanting
    "ma ma" and crying when you leave. Right now my son is just starting to
    realise (or should I say "showing" that he realises) who Mama is, but 
    hasn't said the exact words yet... I can't imagine how difficult its
    going to be if he start crying when I leave, along with the guilt I 
    already posess (sp?).  
    
    The jealousy I feel towards friends and relatives that get to stay home
    is overwhelming. I feel (not that its necessarily true) that they are
    somehow "better" than me. ????  Isn't that stupid???  I try not to let
    it get in my way, but its hard.  
    
    
    Chris
    
    re: back to the reply about the "economy" being what it is:   
    	The National Healthcare issue currently in debate during the
    	presidential election could be a savior for alot of us that need
    	to work for the insurance alone. If healthcare cost were covered
    	by the goverment, as in other countries, it would be one less
    	burden off the american public. The costs of healthcare is just SO
    	outrageous.
    

    I've been back at work for two months now, and am also depressed and
    hate leaving my son (he's 4 months old now).  I keep wondering if it's
    going to get any better.  A few of my co-workers have told me that it
    never really does get better, and that scares me because I can't 
    imagine living in this state of depression for years and years.
    
    I used to think that it didn't matter if I had a lot of money or not,
    but now I see that the biggest advantage would be that I could spend
    more time with my son.  So now I find myself wishing I was rich, and
    envious of people who have the luxury of choosing what they want to
    do.
    
    I too am obsessed with spending as much time as possible with the baby.
    I stopped cooking and talking on the phone at night, it's pretty bad.
    
    My husband feels sorry for me, and I think he feels guilty that he
    doesn't earn more.
    
    The only good thing I can say about it is that I know he's in good
    hands and being taking good care of.  He's ok, I'm the one that's a
    mess.

Well, I can understand so well.  My son is almost a year old (July 14th) and I 
can remember the feelings when I first started back full time.  I was lucky 
(sort of) and had post partum complications (pulmonary embolism sp?) and was on 
disability for 3 1/2 months and took an additional 4 weeks vacation totaling 4 
1/2 months off before full time work.

But, when I went back, I made sure I rented the hospital type breast pump from 
La Leche League for a long term rental charge of $1.00 per day.  Well worth the 
investment!!!!  It made all the difference/quantity in the world.  It was 
awkward (size), but you can't have everything.  I still didn't get enough milk 
in work between lunches and breaks to feed Andrew, so I would get up early, or 
stay up late to pump additional milk so that Andrew could be totally breast fed.  
Well he was through 7 months and I'm grateful, but I might not go to that 
extreme next time.  I'd consider supplementing with 1 bottle and save my 
sleep-time.  (BTW No one but myself made me do this, I choose to do it that way.  
I think it may have been the right (health) reasons combined with guilt about 
being a full time working mother, you know, if I can't be with him all day, this 
is the least I can do.....)  

Ah more on the guilt.........  Then I added up the time (minus nighttime) that I 
was now going to spend with Andrew and realized how little of the day that would 
be.  I thought I would die.  I said such things as "Why did I bother to have a 
child if I am not around hardly more than 3-4 waking hours a day?"

.........and to top it all off, I came back to no real job (1st month back).  My 
job had moved to another group earlier than expected and I wasn't real busy 
those first few weeks, so I would sit in my office and say, "This is great; I'm 
sitting here all day, not accomplishing anything, not really doing much, and my 
son sits in some other woman's home!!"  Well, as you can imagine, the tears 
would come as I really felt real sorry for myself.  ...and I thought "No one 
could possible understand how bad this is." "How do those other cold hearted 
mothers in my group come to work every day and look happy!!!!"  Answer:  They 
aren't cold hearted, they've just worked it out in their hearts and minds as 
best they could.  I have (most times) and you will too; even if the answer is 
home or work.

On day care, once I realized what a wonderful person I managed to find to watch 
my son, and I got through the first couple of weeks, and I realized that there 
really wasn't ever an alternative to my working, (BTW, my husband would be the 
stay-at-home parent if there is ever to be any.), things started to settle in, 
and seemed not so bad.  I have days that are worse, but I can honestly say that 
weekend and nights, my first priority is to my son.  Everything else comes after 
that, including (not immediate) family, friends, chores, etc.  They do get done 
or seen, but just not as quickly as before, and if they can't understand; too 
bad!!!

I do still feel jealous of Andrew's "firsts" at his sitters, and not with me, 
and I do wish the cost of living was less in the North East and that one of his 
parents could stay home full time with him, but that's not to be in the near, if 
ever future, so once that was accepted by both my head and heart, I  realized 
that we're all still blessed to have each other and all the special times we 
have together and all the love.  Andrew is also lucky to have the extended 
"family" he has at his sitters and they all truly love him, so we're all lucky 
and we'll all thrive, and we'll all look back on these times 20 and 30 years 
from now and remember fondly how hoe family worked together and grew together.  
It may not be the way I grew up in the sixties, but if you get there, what does 
it matter what road you took!!!

It'll get better, really, once you accept the uncontrollable factors, and put 
them behind you, adjust your life to things you can control, and then......
add up all the wonderful things in your life now with your child and compare it 
to life before/without your child, you'll have your answer.  It's well worth all 
the struggles!


   

    dire
    

    >> A few of my co-workers have told me that it never really does get
    better,
                                                                  
    UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Why do people say these things?!?  Sheesh
    
    I started working when my son was almost 1 year old and it broke my 
    heart to leave him.  When my daughter came along I had to leave her at
    8 weeks and that tore me apart also.  I have to admit, I did always feel 
    some guilt at not being with them but the major depression I felt during
    those first few months did go away.  It takes time.  When you don't
    have any choice but to work, you need to make the best of it.  I 
    finally figured I would make the best of the time I did have with them.
    
    I truely sympathize with you new Mom's.
    
    Marie

    I'm probably going to repeat what others have said and I don't intend
    to make light of your feelings, it is hard. Here is a few things to
    think about and helps me. 
    
      The baby sleeps during the day. My 2 month old can easily take a 3
    hour nap twice a day. She is probably only awake 2-3 hours at my
    sitter's. 
    
      After a day of work I am really excited to see my kids. My husband 
    (of course he might say anything to keep me working) says he noticed
    that when I was home by the end of the day I didn't have much energy to
    deal with the children like I would like too. Carolyn was what you
    would call a high needs baby, she liked to be held and after a day of
    holding her when she was awake I had had it and was pooped. Which leads
    me to another "plus" of working.
    
    My 3 year old (Justine) loves going to the sitter's. That's where her 
    friends are. She stayed home with me for 13 weeks and I think we had 
    fun but she was more than ready to go back to play with her friends. 
    I think the baby is starting to benefit as well. I stayed and watched 
    the activity and how they handle my baby, and the baby loves to watch the
    kids there.
    
    Justine has learned a lot there too, like drawing stick figures and her
    alphabet, things that she would being learning in preschool. My sitter
    has a degree in child development.
    
    No situation is perfect, but if you try to think of th positives
    instead of dwelling on the fact that you aren't there it could help.
    Also, whenever my daughter went through a phase where she cried when I
    left, the crying would only last a moment. Or if we were going through
    a particularly bad time for her and me, I would take some vacation
    time. 
    
    Well, good luck, I bet you will soon find a routine that works for you
    and your baby. 

    Haven't read all the replies to this one yet, but I just wanted
    to write a little.
    
    Charlotte is now 7 weeks and although we still have a lot of time
    together a head of us, I know that many of you in the US are going back
    to work after only 7 weeks. I am amazed that you have the strength to
    go back at such an early time. (I am amazed that your system forces you
    to do so!!) I don't look forward to the time I have to go back (after
    Christmas) and have not yet even considered looking for someone to take
    care of her yet (I dread it).  We've considered a number of
    alternatives, but since hubby and I make about the same salary, having
    one of us quit would HALVE our income. 
    So, the inevitable is ahead of us, the only consolation is that at 
    the age of 8 months it's easier to find care for a babe than it is
    at 7 weeks. 
    I feel for you moms that have to do that.
    
    Monica
    

    My son is 14 months old and it was tough going back to work the first
    couple of weeks. I am lucky though in the respect that I could come
    back for 3- 10 hour days so that I would have 2 extra days besides the
    weekend to spend with him. I was also able to take 4 months off after
    he was born. So I feel very fortunate.
    
    Our next child is coming in Aug and I will be lucky if I can take 8
    weeks off. I feel really bad about that. They seem so young to go to
    daycare at 8 weeks. 
    
    I breast fed my son fulltime when I was home and two feedings after I
    came back to work. Dropping that last feeding at 6 months was really
    tough. I was so depressed. Hopefully I will be able to continue
    breastfeeding with the new one when I come back to work.
    
    One more thing...You can still get benefits if you work 30 hours.
    
    
    

    
    
    
    
    
    
    	Well, everyone has summed up all my feelings... anger at the
    	government for not protecting women's jobs while they are at
    	home with their children, frustration at the economy and the
    	fact that it takes two incomes to survive, the new desire NOT
    	to own a house if it means working instead of staying home...
    	I'm not happy that others feel that way, but I'm glad to know
    	I'm not the only one!  I was WONDERING how people could just
    	come back to work and be happy!  
    
    	I am envious of you Moms who don't mind coming back to work
    	because they need that break.  I thought that was me - I really did!  I
    	thought I NEEDED to work a few days a week, but I guess I 
    	was wrong! 
    
    	A friend of mine told me to remember that if I LOVED my
    	maternity leave, it may be because I know I'm coming back.
    	Some people who DON'T go back to work feel like they made
    	a mistake by staying at home full time, and they start to feel
    	trapped.  At least if I do get the opportunity to stay at home, 
    	I'll KNOW it's the right choice for me.
    
    	Thanks again for the support,
               
    	Justine

    My kids are 4 and 1.  I went back to work when they were 10 weeks
    and 9 weeks, respectively.  I was extremely lucky in that both
    kids slept through the night early, and my day-care provider is
    wonderful.  Plus my manager and his wife have always been a two-=
    income family, so he knows what it's like to have to leave early
    to take a child to the doctor, or to be up all night with a sicck
    baby. 
    
    I still have days when I want to cry when I leave them at Elaine's.
    Then I look at how they're growing:  James at 4, reading many words,
    coloring "inside the lines" better at 4 than I did at 6, enjoying
    many sports, able to get along with kids of all ages.  Hollis, just
    turned 1, trying to use a crayon to color, playing with puzzles,
    trying to walk, feeding herself, learning how to play with other kids.
    They are doing so well!
    
    WE all miss each other, and I do everything I can to acknowledge those
    feelings.  But, like many noters here, I've got to work.  We need
    every cent (husband just went into business for himself 6 months ago).
    Plus we need the insurance.  Would the kids be better off if I were
    home with them?  Hard to say.  I tend to be impatient, and I also
    yell like a banshee.  I alwayas ask myself, "If I were a day-care
    provider, would I be happy with me?"  Frankly, the answer is sometimes
    "No."
    
    There are a lot of ways around the dilemma.  Only you and your
    spouse/SO can resolve it to your own satisfaction.  Here are some
    coping tips:
    
    *Work at home when possible.  Make a nice dinner and pick the kids
    	up early from day care.  I do this several times a month, and it
    	makes *me* feel better, anyway!
    
    *Your spouse can and should help out with the house work and babycare.
    	Fortunately, my husband loves to play with and bathe the kids
    	while I clean up dinner dishes.  
    
    *No one ever died from eating soup and hot dogs for dinner.
    
    *Work out some kind of arrangement where you can sleep in on the 
    	weekend, or can nap or something like that.  Sleep deprivation
    	made me psycho.  Don't let it happen to you.
    
    *If your budget can stand it, take-out one night a week is not only
    	 a good idea, it's a necessity.
    
    *Grab some time for yourself.  I have a long commute, which on the
    	one hand I hate, but which is also one of the few times of the day
    	I have to myself.  No one bothers me but me.  
    
    *In addition to working from home, perhaps you and your manager can
    	explore alternative working schedules.  For example, three 10
    	hour days (for a 30-hour week).  Or work through lunch and
    	leave a little earlier.  You'll never know till you try!
    
    *The decision to end breastfeeding for me was truly wrenching. It
    	was the right thing to do, with both of my kids, but I felt like
    	I'd let them down.  (You will feel like this a lot during your
    	life as a parent!)  At the same time, it was not worth it to
    	try to continue.  So do what is best, but acknowledge your
    	grief and sadness.  
    
    *Remember those famous words, "It came to pass -- not to stay."
    
    Fondly,
    kate

	Not to make people feel worse, but did any of you moms
	or dads find that, as the kids get older, you miss being
	home even MORE ????????

	I was one of those moms who didn't have a choice in staying
	home or going back to work after my 8-weeks was up.  I
	readjusted fairly well, altho' it was hard, and everything
	was pretty ok up until these last couple of years.  Since 
	Matt's started school and has more activities he'd LIKE to do 
	and more friends he'd LIKE to be with, I find myself wishing	
	more and more that I was home with him NOW !@!!!!  I find myself 
	wishing I had a job where I came in AFTER he's in school, I'm 
	out BEFORE he comes home and we BOTH have the SAME VACATIONS !!!!!!!!!
	As it is now, I drop him off at school (now a summer care
	program) in the morning and, by the time I get out of work
	and we get home at night, who's got TIME to ride bikes, go to
	the park or the movies, go swimming.......???????

	For those of you who have older kids (Matt's 7-1/2), how
	did you manage work/career and the kid's schedules when
	they started getting into more and more activities ?????
	I go crazy trying to plan my days so I can be involved in
	things at his school, spend time with him on a regular basis
	going over schoolwork, have time to do FUN Things and not
	just the day-to-day chores.......I thought the juggling was bad 
	when he was a baby/toddler but now...................it feels 
	like that was a piece of cake !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

	Any helpful hints out there ??????????
	Debbi

    Debbie I could have written the note you entered!!!  Just this
    morning Sam came out with "Boy mom why do you have to work I'd
    like to stay home and not go to camp...."  I have always contented
    that it would be harder to work full-time as Sam got older.  You
    are so write about the after school activities, the having friends
    over etc.
    
    I'd love to work part-time but it is not practical in my current
    position, I've already tried it.  All I did was work full-time for
    part-time pay!  This fall I'm going to try a four day week, four
    ten hour days.  Maybe this will help, at least maybe we can spend
    weekends doing things other than errands, laundry, and chores!
    
    But I find it much harder than it was when he was pre-school age!
    
    Kathy

    One of the writers in my group has two children in grade school.  When
    the younger started school, she began a schedule of office hours from
    6:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.  Fortunately, her husband is able to see the
    kids off to school or daycare (summers).  She meets them at the bus. 
    She then logs in for an hour in the evening.
    
    I will probably go on a similar schedule in a few years.
    
    For now, my husband dresses, feeds, and drops off our daughter.  I do
    the pickup.  I work 7:30 to 4:30 and have a little time to play before
    dinner.  (I keep dinner preparation at 30 minutes tops.)  It ain't 
    much, but...
    
    Oh, and I go to bed very early.  I too, am a psycho, when sleep
    deprived.  I often go to sleep before she does!
    
    L

    
    	I liked it better when your daughter went to sleep before you did.
    		
    			;-)
    
    				Wendy

    
    
     A couple of things that helped me through this difficult time were:
        
         Reading this notes conference, thank you.
       
         Changing daycares. I moved my daughter to a daycare center right
            down the street. Now I visit at lunch or when ever I can. I
            could even take her out for lunch and bring her back. I love it
            and I think this has made all the difference in the world.
    
        Getting involved at the daycare center. I've talked to a lot of
           Mothers and this seems to help many people feel more comfortable.
    
    Good luck and yes it does get easier. The other day I asked my
    daughter (While in one of my many guilty spells) if she would 
    like it if I could stay home with her. She said "Silly Mom, 
    Moms have to work so kids can go to school.". I guess that 
    answered my question. 
    
    Hang in there, I think coming back to work was one of the hardest things 
    I've ever done, but I also feel it was the best thing I could have done 
    for my family and for myself.
    
    
   Sue
    

    
    
    	For those out there doing breast pumping at work...
    
    	The pump really does make a difference!  Thanks to the people
    	who suggested renting a larger pump.  The manual one was FINE
    	when I needed an extra bottle here or there, but it didn't help	
    	maintain a good milk supply.  The one I rented from the hospital
    	made a HUGE difference.
    
    	Now, to anyone in MRO4 land (or anyone in MRO-land who wants to
    	come to MRO4 to pump), you are welcome to use this pump and split
    	the cost.  The parts of the pump that we would share do not go
    	anywhere near breast milk, and hence are completely sterile.  I've
    	been going to the nurse's office - it's very quiet and convenient
    	in there.  Just let me know!
    
    
    	Justine
    	SOFBAS::SNOW

I've read most of the replies to this note, and naturally I find bits of my own
experience in everyone's comments.  My son Jonathan is just about 9 months old;
he was 5 1/2 months old when I returned to work after a 6-month leave.  It's
only in the last week or so that I've started to feel like I'm getting any
amount of concentration back, and this is relative to ZERO concentration
up until now.  In fact, I was beginning to panic about my productivity
at work.  Everyone I've spoken with says it does get better, so I'm keeping
the faith.  However, I don't expect it will ever be the same.  I'm not
sure I really want it to be the same either, because having Jonathan was
the most joyous thing I've ever done, and life has been just as joyous 
since his birth.

What I'm grappling with now, as are other new moms, is the intense guilt
I feel every day about leaving him.  Over the last month, he has started
to show clear signs of separation anxiety, and I feel terrible that I'm
not with him more at a time when he really wants and needs me.  I have no
problem with his daycare situation.  Jonathan is thriving and developing
by leaps and bounds; he loves the other kids and they shower him with
affection.  But just when I was starting to set some of my guilt aside,
separation anxiety reared its ugly head, and now I feel so sad all over again.

And angry at our society and especially at our government.  All I hear
every day is lip service to family values.  This country is run by rich,
conservative men whose primary interest is preserving their own lifestyle
and that of other, equally rich, conservative men.  I'm not getting my 
hopes up about any significant changes to our health care system or to
the level of family services in this country.  Women, children, and minorities
will continue to be victims to the wimps in our state and federal 
governments who wouldn't dare put themselves on the line by changing anything.

So maybe it's getting a little easier to be back at work, but not
significantly easier.  I work 30  hours a week (4 days), which helps
my sanity immensely.  I breastfeed Jonathan morning and evening on
my work days and pump milk at work.  I no long can get enough milk to
feed him all day long, but at 9 months old, he gets a good bit of his
nutrition from food.  At daycare he gets a mix of breast milk and formula.

Lately I too have had thoughts about selling our house and living in
an apartment so I can spend more time with Jonathan -- and with myself.
Between work, home, baby, and other commitments, where did my *own* 
identity go?  I'm thrilled to be a parent and am considering having
another child, but I must admit that I've lost a part of my pre-mom
self.  I hope I find it again.  But that's a whole other topic.

And yes, I'm also extremely jealous of friends who plan to stay home
for a year or more with their children.  A friend of mine has been
talking about doing that with her baby that's due in August, and
I notice that in a subtle way, I was trying to talk her out of it.
Crazy!

Well, I hadn't planned to go on this long, but so be it.  Thanks
for listening.


Merle

Does anyone have any opinions/advice etc on returning to work part-time
after the baby is born?  As a contractor, I don't have a job being kept
open for me, but in a way I see this as an advantage because it might
allow me to switch to part time work.

Carol.

    I agree with the noter who said it isn't natural for a Mom to work.
    However, I think that the women who _want_ to go back to work should,
    because they aren't doing their children any good by feeling like
    they are forced to stay home - I'll give an example later.  In
    addition, about the separation anxiety, my pediatrician has told me
    that all children go thru this, no matter whether their Mom stays
    home or works, at about 9 months, and it will last for a full month. 
    That is the age they really realize that they are being left.  My
    sister-in-law is a stay at home Mom, has 3 children (youngest 1 year),
    and she had a horrible time with Caroline at 9 months.  So it isn't
    just working moms if that makes you feel any better.  My son in 6 1/2 
    months old, I returned to work after 14 weeks.  Here's what worked for 
    me.  First, I knew/picked my daycare provider before I got pregnant.
    It is a lady in my church who has kept children for 25 years in her
    home.  She will only keep one non-walker at a time.  I am very
    confident in her ability, and trust her like my own mother.  Next,
    on my first day back to work, my husband took Nicholas to the sitter.
    I was able to leave for work, and leave him asleep in the bed, and it
    wasn't so bad.  My sitter recommended this.  In fact, I didn't cry till
    the third day!  I guess that's when working got old again ;*).
    
    I also was warned about him getting to the point where he would rather
    stay at daycare than come home.  When we get there in the mornings, he
    goes right to her, and after work, he wants me to hug him, give him
    attention, then he wants to go back to work.  I _refuse_ to let that
    hurt my feelings, because I'm glad he loves her and is so comforatable
    in her care.  If he cried everytime I dropped him off, I would have to
    examine why he wasn't happy there, worry about abuse, and hunt for
    another provider.  What a headache!!!!  I also realize, that as a first
    time mom, he is learning/developing faster at the sitter's, because I
    would be hesitant to teach him or let him try new things.  Plus, I
    don't really know _how_ or what he should be doing, so I am glad of her
    guidance.
    
    ***None of this means I don't ache when I think about it, or feel there
    is a part of me missing all the time.***  This is just the facts of
    life (for me anyway!)
    
    As I mentioned earlier, some women are 'forced' to stay home.  My
    cousin's husband wouldn't let her go back to work after her daughter
    was born (she's 10 months).  He wanted his children to be raised by
    their mother.  She wanted to go back part time, he wouldn't let her.
    In addition, he travels at least 3 days every week.  Consequences: she
    doesn't want anymore children, because she thinks he'll let her start
    working when Rebecca starts school.  She is not the same fun-loving
    person she used to be, she is somehow more brittle, on edge, with a
    short fuse, you get my message.  I think (amateur psych here) that she
    may have a little resentment built up towards Rebecca, (post partum
    blues has a lot to do with this too).  She doesn't seem as nurturing as
    I pictured her to be with a baby.  ***This is one case, and does not
    constitute that this happens always***
    
    I have another friend who stays home because she wants to, and doesn't
    let anyone else keep her children.  The one drawback to this is that
    when she leaves her 18 month old son in the nursery during church, he
    screams his head off for 1 hour solid.
    
    I was told before I had Nicholas to hold him as much as I wanted to,
    that they don't get spoiled till 6 months, and when they get mobile,
    they don't want to be help anymore.  That is _so_ true.  I held and
    cuddled him for 14 weeks, and we have a bond that I feel can't be
    damaged by my working.  And now he's crawling, pulling up, traveling 
    around wherever he can hold on to, and he doesn't like to be held for
    very long unless he's sleepy.
    
    Don't beat yourself up about working.  It is better to have a place to
    live, food, clothing, than to have to constantly worry about that and
    be so stressed that you aren't able to give full attention to the child
    if you do stay home.  I'm hoping my situation will change, but I have
    to accept what I have to do, because it is out of my control.
    
    One other thing I do is leave him at my parents one evening a week. 
    Yes, I'm gone from him all day, but I get most of my errands,
    housework, laundry, etc done in this one evening (my husband helps to), 
    then I can have my weekends to give him full attention without worrying
    about the other stuff.  
    
    I didn't mean for this to be so long, and I also don't want to imply
    that what I did/do is 'right', it's just another idea/point of view to
    think about.  I do alot of listening to new ideas, and discarding
    the ones I know are not right for me.
    
    Angie 

    I must confess that I am one of the rare bird that cann't
    wait to return to work.  I love my job and really missed
    it while I was on leave.  Although I love my kids dearly,
    but I can easily lose control when they get fussy.  Now I
    work full-time and while I am home, I devote most of my time
    to the kids.  It work out great.  I also always have someone
    helpout in housework.  This makes my life a lot easiler.  
    Maybe when they are older I will change my mind.  But right now, 
    with a 4 yr old and a 21 months old, office is heaven for me!
    
    Wendy

    Wendy,
    
    You are not so rare!  I too was ready to get back to work at the end of
    my six month maternity leave.  That is really a bit of an
    understatement.  I was going bonkers at home.  Iain took to the creche
    like a duck to water. He's 11 months old now and doesn't like me to
    leave him on his own at the creche so I always wait until there is a
    nurse available and he gets a cuddle while Mum waves "bye-bye" and goes
    out the door.  
    
    I felt a little odd the first week or so back to work, like I had
    forgotten something.  But that soon went.  We are all happy to see each
    other at the end of the day.  It was really nice when Iain started
    crawling; he zooms across the room to meet us when we go to pick him
    up.  Iain is getting much more stimulation at the creche than I could
    ever give him. He gets bored easily.  The other children are very
    entertaining and he is not hysterical when someone he doesn't know 
    picks him up.
    
    Iain will have relationships with many people other than me throughout
    his life.  I think that the sooner he learns to develop these
    relationships the better off he will be.  It isn't going to do *me* any
    good to be jealous of his relationships with other people.  He has his
    favourite nurses at the creche. But he knows who Mum and Dad are and no one 
    can take our place.
    
    LaDonna
           

    I couldn't have hacked six months of maternity leave. . . I love
    my kids but they are not my whole life.  
    
    --bonnie

    
    Count me in as another who enjoys having a working life as well as
    being a mother. I love Spencer dearly but I know that the best
    situation for both of us is for us to be apart for at least a few hours
    a day so that we can each retain our individualism.
    
    I enjoy being with him while I am with him, but I also enjoy
    stimulating conversation, adult company, and hot food that can truly be
    eaten while it is still hot.
    
    				Wendy

    Add me to the list of mothers who'd rather work than stay at
    home all day. I am so much happier combining both roles. I noticed
    how quickly your self-esteem can crash when you're not working.
    I just wasn't happy at home and I don't think that helped me be
    a good mother. 
    
    Elizabeth 

    I'm in the middle of the road. I like spending three days of the
    week at the office, and the rest at home. I keep one foot solidly
    in both worlds. I can identify with the stay-at-home Moms (and was
    one for the first six months of each child's life) and the working
    Moms. The best part for me is that my husband is doing the same
    thing I am, so he understands the pleasures and frustrations of
    both worlds, and I have someone to split the chores with.
    
    Lucy       

    I'm another one who needs both worlds.  In the past week I have been at
    home a few days with my daughter, 22 months, as opposed to my normal
    full-time work load.  I'm exhausted by the end of the day!  It's tough
    to get any real errands done except for a few in the morning.  These
    little people have too much energy  (I'm also expecting our second so
    maybe my energy level is low right now).
    
    I really enjoy coming home after work and being greeted by my daughter. 
    It's like starting fresh for the day.  Granted the evening hours are not the
    most relaxed hours together, but we haven't had all day to work on each
    other!
    
    I would be the first to vote for a meaningful part time job where I
    could be home more, but still get away.  What will happen with two
    children?  Will my thoughts change?
    
    Mary

I can also empathize with both sides.  I went back to work 14 weeks after 
my first child was born.  I was glad to go back, though I always felt a 
twinge of guilt.  

After my second child was born, I got very depressed with the thought of 
going back to work full time.  My husband and I looked hard at our budget 
and figured out we could do without 1 day's pay.

My manager is extremely supportive of people who need to juggle family and 
work, and he agreed to try whatever part-time work hours I felt would work 
for us.

I'm now working 32 hours per week.  I work in the office Mondays, 
Wednesdays, and Fridays, while my children attend daycare.  I work at home 
Tuesday mornings, while my mother-in-law watches the children at her house 
(free of charge - bless her!), and I get to spend Tuesday afternoons and 
all day Thursday with the children.

It's still a lot of work and stress.  I still worry about my projects when 
I'm at home and about my children when I'm at work, but it's  a reasonable
compromise for us.  My children have the advantages that 
daycare has to offer as well as the advantages of having some undivided 
attention from Mom and Memere (grandma).  
    
    I know that ours is not a situation that is feasible or attractive to
    everyone.  Here's hoping that everyone finds a situation that works for
    them!  Lots of luck,
    
    Sheryl
          
- Sheryl


    

    Greetings folks,
    as I mentioned in another note yesterday, I am experiencing my 
    very first day back at work.
    I have been off a total of NINE MONTHS (5 weeks short-term disability
    for stress before delivery, 17 weeks maternity leave, 10 weeks parental
    leave, 3 weeks non-paid leave, 3 weeks vacation, xmas company holidays
    and a few extra vacation days). Of all the things I thought I'd be
    feeling (anxiety about work, worry over Charlotte) I never thought I
    feel as I do.
    I am just in shock.
    We started the day by oversleeping, (by 70 minutes!) and the three of 
    us were out the door in 25 minutes (!!!!) luckily Charlotte spent most
    of the day yesterday at the caregiver's and I prepared all lunches, etc
    last night, so the only thing I really missed was breakfast, and a
    chance to decide how I felt about today.
    Hence, the feeling that I have landed on an alien planet.
    There was little more than business as usual, everyone has basically
    said "hi" but have left me to my own devices to rediscover use of the 
    telephone, to figure out the new workstation interface, to find all
    my stuff (my cubicle had a tenant while I was away - nothing is how I
    left it). 
    I think basically its soft of anticlimatic in that some part of me 
    does not believe this is real (much like some dreams where most things
    are the same as reality but there is something strangely different).
    Oh yes, I DO miss Charlotte - I feel tired already and don't know 
    how I am going to continue - its such a strange feeling.
    
    I guess the don't want to make me take calls today (thank goodness)
    because I'd probably make a very poor impression as a software support
    specialist ("ALL-IN-What?")
    
    Sigh.
    Wanna be home. Wanna be with baby.
    Monica

    
    
    	Hi Monica,
    
    	I figured I'd reply since I started this topic.  
    
    	I was out for only 3 months (next time - if I'm still here - I will
    	use every blessed day possible before coming back, IF I come back),
    	and since Callie is 9 months old, I guess I've been back for six.
    	It's NO EASIER now than it was week one.  Well, I guess it's easier
    	in that I don't tear up every day, but when she's sick, or teething
    	(a constant event lately), I want it to be ME who is home with her,
    	and not someone else (even though I have total confidence in my
    	niece who takes care of her.)  
    
    	I tried going to part-time/job share.  Management won't go for it.  
    	I'm working at home one day a week: better than nothing, but I know 
    	management doesn't love it.  I'd even take the package, but there 
    	isn't one coming my way.
    
    	Sometimes I wonder if the atmosphere at DEC has anything to do with
    	my not wanting to be here.  Who knows.  I still resent work for
        taking me away from my child; I resent the need for most households
        to be two-income households.  I think all the single mothers (and
        dads) out there should receive awards for going it alone.  I really
        don't know how you do it!
    
    	So, that's it, six months later.  When I read the replies to my
    	notes from people who said it DIDN'T get better for them, I didn't
        believe it.  ANd I ENVY those of you who really LIKE being here!  I 
    	thought that would be me - BIG surprise!
    
    	Good luck, Monica!  I hope things ease out over the next few weeks!
    
    	-Justine                   

re : -1 (Justine),

  I'm one of those single-moms you said you "don't know how" we do it !
  Matt's now 8 years old and, strange as it may seem, it's harder for
  me **now** to be here all day than it was when he was an infant/younger.

  For those of you with older children like mine, maybe you can understand
  what I mean.....there are so many more things Matt likes to do and is
  starting to get involved in through school/scouts/church/etc... that I
  just feel like there's **never** enough time to be able to spend WITH
  him, doing the things he likes to do, after work, on weekends, holidays,
  etc. and still get all the "gotta do"s done !!  I just spent the weeks
  of Christmas and NewYear's at home on vacation with him and really got
  to enjoy time with him - but once a year just AIN'T enough !!!!!!!!!

  As for how we do it, I guess a couple of the things I've learned over
  the years is (1) what's REALLY gotta be done and (2) to involve Matt
  in those things as well as fun/play times.  He spent time with me over
  vacation helping calculate numbers to pay bills, helping with the laundry
  so we could get done faster......

  I wish I could find a way to spend more time with him, but we make the
  best of what we've got.  I think the **only** thing that made coming
  back to work 8 years ago easier was the fact that I **didn't** have a
  choice, as a single parent, there was no other income and no way to take
  extra time off.  But now, as he's getting older, I find myself taking
  advantage of every extra bit of time I can wangle.......this year I'm
  hoping will be especially neat with lots of vacation time to get my accrued
  vacation down befor they change the limits !!

  Best of luck to all in the New Year !
  Debbi

    Oh, relief, some other people to talk to about this. After being home
    for  year + with just my wee one and no real circle of friends, and a
    husband who comes home tired and grunts when I talk to him. Hubby and I
    talk now but he hasn't experienced all that I have and I desperately need 
    to vent.
    
    My topic of choice is Seperation Anxiety, not my son's, MINE.
    
    The last month that I was home I became unbearable, I know. Money, the
    heat and humidity, the bills, the heat and humidity, teething, growing
    anxiety....all major factors to my mental and spiritual deterioration.
    
    Although my son, Cody and I remained friends through all of this, he
    was rapidly becoming Daddy's Boy. The past few weeks have been an
    adjustment for all of us. Conveniently, Cody is with the inlaws, whom
    he adores. Although I am grateful that they are there, I'm beginning to
    resent them for the time they get to be with Cody. 
    At home, I don't exist....everytime I try to put him to bed, or even
    give him a bath it's like I'm some stranger trying to extricate from
    his father. He calls for DaDa all of the time. The first words on his
    lips in the morning, before he even lifts his resting head is "DaDa".
    What about "Momma"?!
    I know that there is nothing to this, but part of me cries out that he
    HATES me. I miss the little baby hedgehog that curled on my shoulder
    breathing his baby breath on the nape of my neck. I miss the tiny
    little monkey that squeeled with delight when I walked into the room or
    even smiled at him. At 16 months he is a happy, giggley baby, but just
    not with me. WHY !!!!! It has made tears come to my eyes and part of me
    says to hell with the bills, I want to go back home and be Mommy again.
    
    What do I do????  I waited my whole life to have this perfect little
    boy, and due to circumstances I had to back to work. I don't feel
    giulty because there is no other realistic choice. I just can't deal
    with being pushed away from the one I love the most. I never got this
    much rejection when I dated.. 
    
    signed, DESPERATELY DEPRESSED
    

    Dear Desparately,
    
    It's a phase.  He just wants Dada for now.  Eventually he will want
    Mama again.  Can you wait?  There are notes in here about "parental
    preference".  Maybe someone else can give you a pointer.
    
    -s
    

Dear Desperately,

I can relate! I do agree "it's a phase", but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
My son is now 3, and while still a "Daddy's Boy" for the most part, it has
definitely evened out over the last 6-9 months (not coincidentally, his sister
arrived 9 months ago...). I used to get those pangs of rejection when he would
yell "I want DADDY, NOT Mommy!" or "BAD MOMMY!!" when I didn't do what he
wanted, etc. I would just try to talk to him and acknowledge that sometimes
we don't like what someone does, but we can still love that person. (This
works both ways - he didn't like what I was doing and I didn't like what he
was doing, so I guess it helped both of us;-) So, I would say stuff like "I
know you're mad at me right now and you're upset, but I still love you." Or,
"You can go in your room until you calm down enough to be nice."

I think it's a normal stage where they are testing both parents' reactions to
their demands, and they are experts at "pushing the right buttons" to get what
they want (usually more "attention", acknowledgement of their position within
the family, etc.).

Try lots of hugs, too, just to let your son know that you will always be there
for when he is ready to reciprocate.  I am still floored when my son will spon-
taneously give me a quick hug and say "I love you Mommy, you're nice!", but it
does happen sometimes.

Best of luck getting through the transition of back-to-work. It's natural that
everyone will have to adjust to his/her new "roles" within the family structure.

-Cori

Remember that mama's been around for him all day every day for a while
now, and dada is a more rare commodity ... so he is looking for dada.

This is not a rejection of you per se, even though it feels that way.


Not to make too light of how you are feeling but there will come a time
in just a few years, when you'll wish that he did say Dada instead of
Mum!!!!!! because it will be Mum this, mum that, virtually non-stop.
(Ask my wife ... :-)

Also remember that kids go through phases of prefering one parent or
another.  Like Mum is too tough so thinking Dad is a soft touch, they'll
ask Dad things first ... Kids know, even at an early age mechanisms for
getting their own way!!!!

Stuart

    THANKS FOLKS !!! Your encouranging words help. Don't know why it bugs
    me so much, again probably due to the circumstances. Life can stink!
    
    Thanks again.......

    I've seen this happen. My nephew, who's 3, does this to my SIL. He's 
    definitely a daddy's boy. He sometimes yells out at his mother and calls 
    her bad or whatever. The way I see it is my SIL is the one who is home 
    with him during the day and does most of the deciplining. Daddy comes 
    home and it's time to play! They play together like 2 kids. I guess he 
    doesn't like his mother telling him what to do. 
    
    I guess it's just part of parenting. And yes, it hurts when your child 
    doesn't reciprocate your love or attention but there's also nothing
    like it when your child does! And you have to take the bad with the
    good. 
    
    My son is even more tricky. When I pick him up at the end of the day,
    all he can say is daddy, daddy! And I tell him we're going home to see 
    daddy! We get home and my husband comes home and runs to Andrew and he 
    says mama, mama! 
    
    You can't win! :-)
    
    Karen

    I go through this every week, and it can be worse.  Frank is the
    primary caregiver during the week, and Atlehi often treats me as if my
    only purpose in life is for nourishment and she would rather I filled
    bottles for papa instead.  I have her with me all the time on the
    weekend so frank can get a break and by Monday, she acts as if she
    would just as soon have papa drop off the face of the planet.  It still
    does bug me if I am tired or stressed when I am treated like a
    stranger, but most days I just ignore it and wait for Atlehi to come
    find me now.  It does happen.
    
    meg