Conference moira::parenting

   > What *I* would like is to have Johnathan brought to visit me every day,
   > and to stay for quite a while.  However, I wonder if that is really
   > what's best for him.  If you had a toddler visit you in the hospital,
   > did you find that they liked to come often and stay a long time?  Or
   > did the toddler like to come every day, but got bored after a short time?  
   > Any and all experiences you can share would be helpful.
    
    My son was nearly 2 1/2 when his brother arrived. He enjoyed coming
    to see me but he did get antsy. He wanted to play with the bed and
    all the outlets, etc. We would split his visit by having my husband
    take him to lunch (he'd visit a little before, then a little after). 
    I think a lot depends on the kind of kid he is. You may want to play
    it by ear depending on how the first visit goes.
    
    Good Luck!
    Sue 

My oldest, Breanne, was allmost 4 when I had Haley.  We had my brother-in-law
bring her into the hospital a couple hours after Haley was born.  He didn't
stay - I wanted her first meeting with the baby to be just the 4 of us.  She
stayed for a couple hours.  We gave her a new baby doll, then my husband took
her out to dinner.  

She came in both days I was in the hospital but she did get bored very quickly.
It was really hard for my husband to spend any real time with the baby.  It
would have been great if someone had offered to take Breanne for a few hours
so me, my husband and the baby could have a little  quiet time together.
Even a trip to McDonalds or a playground would have been great!

Your lucky that you have family that is willing to help out so much - take
advantage of it!  

Good luck!

Kirsten

    My S-I-L just had a baby 1 month ago, and she has twin 6yr old girls.
    
    They were brought to the hospital right after Katherine was born, and
    visited for 1 hour, after that, they lost interest, and started running
    around, playing with the bed etc...
    
    The 2nd day, they were there approx 2 hrs by the time we got ther to
    visit...The girls were going bonkers!  I think they were real
    interested in the baby, but they wanted to do other things...Vending
    machines, watch TV, play with the bed, fight over Katherine etc..
    
    I think its a good idea to have the brother visit, but I think he will
    loose interest quick, and become boared...espically when Mom can't do
    anything for him like when she is at home..
    
    the other thing to consider is the other people in the room (if its
    semi-private), and the nurses...
    
    JMHO
    
    Anne Marie
    

	My son John, who is 7, came to the hospital when I had Julie
	last year.  All he wanted to do was hold the baby or go look at 
	the babies in the nursery.  (Hes "into" this baby thing)   

	Depends on the child, and how you are recovering.  If your 
	feeling up to it, you could even take him to the hospital
	cafeteria (without the new baby) and get a snack with him
	to show that they are still special also....

	/Robin

    Amber was 2 years, three months when her little brother,
    Michael was born.  Amber came to the hospital to visit
    but was generally bored by the whole thing.  One thing 
    we did do at the hospital was have a Cabbage Patch newborn
    ready to give to Amber as a gift from her new brother.
    This helped ease the jealousy and gave her something to
    take care of.
    
    Jodi-

    I'd recommend short visits too, since having other children
    get "antsy" at the hospital can get very disruptive. I've heard
    a number of new mothers complain about other families who bring
    a lot of noisy young children into the hospital. New mothers are,
    although a happy and proud bunch, very very tired as a rule. 
    
    Monica
    
    P.S. I will have the same concerns next June just after Charlotte's
    2nd birthday. Let us know what you arranged!

    the day after our 4th child, Anna, was born, I packed our
    three kids into the car (Katie, then 8 months, Molly, almost
    2, and Robin, almost 4) and headed off for the local
    Pizza shop to bring a Pizza to Mom for a big party.

    On the way, a pickup skidded on some ice, slammed into us,
    totalled our car, and quickly ended that first visit.  None
    of us were hurt.

    We finally all did make it in the next day, but unfortunately
    it was hard for Anna to really be the center of attention.
    Judy was just so glad to see us all alive and in one piece.
    And the kids certainly had a story to tell her!
    bob

    Avanti was almost 3 when Neel was born. She absolutely LOVED visiting
    us .... her little brother in the hospital. She used to enjoy eating
    dinner with me. I am not used to eating dinner at 5:30 which is when
    they served dinner at the hospital. I usually ordered something that
    could be reheated or a sandwich and such. My husband would pick up a
    take out for Avanti and him. They would come directly from preschool
    and she would hang around her brother until we ate at about 6:30 or
    7pm. Then she would go home with Daddy. So she did spend about 2 - 3
    hours for the 2 days that I was int he hospital. She had no problems
    and the nurses at the Nashua Memorial Hospital gave her paper and
    crayons so she could spend time coloring.
    
    Shaila

    When my son Benjamin was born, my daughter Nicole was 2 years, 2 months
    old.  She did visit me 2 or 3 times in the hospital, (although NOT
    while I was in labor!) but each visit wasn't more than 20 minutes.  
    Her attention span just wasn't up to staying any longer. 
    
    One thing I'd like to add is that my sitter took care of Nicole the
    entire time I was in the hospital.  This gave my husband a chance to
    spend time with Ben and I, and Nicole didn't seem to mind at all.  This
    worked out really well for us, and I would recommend it to others, as
    well.
    
    Linda

    When Jacob was born, both of the kids visited us in the hospital. 
    Nicole was 3-1/2 and Zachary was 1-1/2.  They stayed for around three
    hours.  Nicole was fascinated by the baby for the first 45 minutes or
    so.  Zachary looked at his little brother a few times, but was more
    interested in climbing on/off the bed.
    
    I would suggest having the little one in for about an hour at a time
    depending on his attention span and how you're feeling.
    
    -Joy
    

    We had our kids come to the hospital as soon as possible after their
    brothers were born (we have 3 boys).  After my first son, I requested a
    private room for the other two.  Concord Hosp. in NH was very
    accomodating and the difference in price between semi-private and
    private was only $10/day.  This way, the older kids could get a little
    nutsy without bothering the other moms.
    
    My kids would have stayed with me the whole time!  They loved playing
    with the bed, using the bathroom and checking out their new brother. 
    They went to the cafe with my husband and brought the trays back up to
    my room.  You could always bring some big brother/sister toys for your
    child so they can be entertained.
    
    As far as which relative....I would go with the one YOU feel the most
    comfortable with.  Having a baby is stressful enough without having to
    deal with relative problems at the same time.
    
    

    
    I'm expecting my second baby in January too, and I'm concerned
    as to how my son (who will be 23 months old) is going to react
    to his new sibling.  We've decided to buy him a toy of some kind
    from his new baby sister/brother, but I'm worried about him being
    jealous of the new baby...poor kid, how's he going to take it?
    
    Taylor is a good boy, but whenever he sees me or dad holding or
    paying attention to another baby, he screams or cries till we put
    the baby down.
    
    I tell him about the impending arrival all the time, but I feel he's
    too young to really understand.
    
    The fun is yet to come!
    
    Deb

    I THOUGHT I wanted our children (Rayna, 5 yrs. and Aaron, 2 yrs.) to visit
    me after having our third child, Lauren, UNTIL I realized how tired I was
    after the birth!  
    
    I had Aaron by C-section, and was very tense about the prospect of
    having another section.  I did end up having Lauren by VBAC, (and was very
    happy), but all that anxiety, plus the birth was exhausting!
    
    I really enjoyed having Rayna visit me for an hour or two each day
    (that was about all she could take before she got very bored), but
    Aaron's visits were torture (a tantrum a minute -- needless to say,
    he was NOT happy about having a new baby in the family.  Like Debbie in
    note .12, there were signs throughout the pregnancy that he might have
    a hard time adjusting...but he's fine now, Debbie!)
    
    Basically, I say play it by ear...and lean heavily on the help you
    have (let them battle out who takes your son)!
    
    Lesley

	Just another thought..

	The new baby got john (age 7) a t-shirt that said "I'm the
	Big brother"... He loved it...

	/robin

    MY SON WAS 3 WHEN MY 2ND SON WAS BORN.  NATHAN (THE 3 YEAR OLD) WAS A
    VERY QUIET LITTLE BOY AND WAS NOT VERY ACTIVE.  WHEN HE CAME TO VISIT
    US WITH MY HUSBAND, HE WAS INTO EVERYTHING.  HE PLAYED WITH THE BED,
    HE PLAYED WITH THE CURTAINS, AND HIT ALL THE BUTTONS.  I THINK THAT IT
    WAS HARD FOR HIM AT FIRST (A LITTLE JEALOUS).  ONCE WE BROUGHT JEFFREY
    HOME NATHAN ADJUSTED GREAT HE LOVES HIS LITTLE BROTHER.  IT WAS VERY
    HARD FOR MY HUSBAND TO HOLD THE BABY AND TO VISIT WITH ME.  WE LIVED
    1 HR FROM OUR FAMILY SO THERE REALLY WAS NO ONE TO WATCH NATHAN FOR US.
    

Elise came to visit when Sarah was born.  She was
three weeks short of 2 years old.

She stayed about 15 minutes, then got antsy, so
Gramma took her to the mall to buy the new
baby a birthday present.  (That was the plan).
So, when Sarah and I came home the next day,
Elise had a special present to give her sister
as a welcome home present.  She was very proud
to give it to her (and show her how to open
it and play with it - a teddy bear).

The thing that was good about her visit -
she was unclear on this baby concept.  Mommy
had a huge belly, and there was a baby in there,
and she knew I would go to the hospital so the
baby could come out.  But she really didn't 
get it until she saw the two of us in the
hospital.  It was like a light bulb going on.

Definitely visit, but keep it short and
structured.

Pat

    Ryan was 3 when Christopher was born. He visited once, for about 1/2
    hour, during which time he got to hold the baby, sit on the bed, and
    get a small present from the baby. It was just enough for him to see
    that Mom was ok and that there really was a baby. After that he was
    bored and wanted to leave...
    

    re: a few back
    
    	We went out and got Spencer a baby doll in preparation for the
    birth of his younger brother. At the time of Griffin's birth Spencer
    was 17 motnhs old.
    
    	Spencer immediately bit the face of the doll.
    
    	We got rid of the doll and replaced it with Big Bird who has yet to
    be bitten.
    
    
    			Wendy
    				Wendy

    
    Re: Spencer biting the dolls face
    
    	Oh great!! Anna will be ~2 1/2 months shy of being 3 years old when
    her younger sister/brother is born. She keeps talking about the baby
    girl in her belly named Jula (I thinks that's her version of Julia).
    I had planned on having a baby doll for her at the hospital for when
    she came to visit. I'm hoping this works out as she seems really "into"
    the fact that Mom has a baby in her belly and Anna has one in hers.
    I've tried to correct her about this, but she won't hear anything other
    than what she thinks. Hopefully where Spencer was still very young, it
    added to his reaction to the baby doll. I'm hoping that with Anna
    having a baby doll, she'll have a baby to change/hold/feed like Mom
    is doing with her baby. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
    
    Patty

    
    
    During my wife's recent stay, I brought my daughter Elizabeth each
    time I visited. We worked the visits around my daughters everyday
    routine, naps etc. What also helped was that my wifes meals were
    delivered about the time we were there, so they were able to eat
    together. The visits lasted between 2-3 hours and that was probably
    enough. When she got itchy, we took a walk around the maternity ward
    or over to the nursery, or to the kitchen to get a drink for my wife.
    Forgot to mention my daughter is about a month shy of 3 years old.
    
    At discharge time, we gave my daughter a baby doll w/bottle so that
    she could take her own baby home with her. She plays with the doll
    occasionally, sometimes using the bottle to feed her teddy as well.
    She's more interested in helping with the baby, handing you a diaper
    at changing time, or helping with a sponge bath/tub, or letting us
    know the baby is crying, in case we didn't hear :) All in all she
    has adjusted very well so far to having the baby around. We did
    a lot of "prep" work, reading stories to her about new babies,
    being a big sister, etc. it appears to have helped.

	Emily will be 21 months when this baby is born.

	I plan to fully play it by ear.  If I feel as good after this
	delivery as I did after having Emily, I'll probably have her visit
	last as long she wants.  If I'm not feeling as well, or need more
	rest, I'll probably suggest that we limit her visit.

	At 17 months, Emily has no idea that I'm pregnant, or that there's
	a baby in my belly, etc.  She is enthralled with babies in general,
	and has yet to seem to mind when I hold a baby, so I'm not anticipating
	having to deal with jealousy.  I've still got almost 4 months
	to go, so things may change.

	Karen

    
    
    Me again.  Taylor is 20 months now, and even though I've been
    telling him that there is a baby in mommy's belly, I don't think
    he's made the connection, he's too young.  Although he knows what
    a baby is, he loves his two young cousins who are each around 5
    months, but that's on his terms I guess.  When Mom starts giving
    love and attention to another besides Taylor, he is going to be
    feeling jealous, I feel it's only natural.
    
    I know he'll learn to accept his new sibling...but I am worried.
    
    I will definately have Taylor come to visit me as much as he likes 
    when I'm in the hospital...and stay as long as he can deal with 
    the visit without becoming bored or itchy.  Buying him a gift from
    the baby, and maybe having him give the baby a gift (someone mentioned
    that in a reply) is a definate tangible thing we can do...everything
    else we'll just play by ear.
    
    Deb

    James was 3 yrs. 3 mos. when Hollis was born, and he had absolutely
    no interest in visiting me in the hospital.  Mike showed him the
    baby (in the nursery) and James said, "Dad, look at my golf swing."
    And he proceeded to swing an imaginary golf club, much to the delight
    of the nurses.
    
    After we came home -- HE WAS ROTTEN TO ME.  He ordered me around. 
    I'd arrange a baby sitter so he and I could go to the park or something
    and then he wouldn't want to go.  He was as hideous as you could get.
    But -- HE WAS WONDERFUL TO HIS LITTLE SISTER.  One day I was in the
    kitchen, getting Hollis a bottle, and I heard voices.  I peeked around
    the corner of the living room and there was James, talking to Holly,
    saying, "Mom yells a lot but she's OK.  Take a nap now."
    
    All this is by way of saying, the kid's nose is going to be out of
    joint, and there isn't much you can do about it.  I told James, you
    don't have to love her, you don't have to even like her, but you MUST
    treat her politely.  Today, they are as thick as thieves.  I like to
    think it's because I gave him permission to feel angry/left out/etc.
    and deliberately did not make a big deal out of the new baby.

    > and there was James, talking to Holly,
    > saying, "Mom yells a lot but she's OK.  Take a nap now."
    
    Tears sprang to my eyes on reading that!
    
    Leslie 

    I didn't see anyone mention this idea:
    
    When Bobby, who was about 2.75 yrs old, came to visit mommy and his new
    baby brother Seth at the hospital, we made sure that Seth wasn't in my
    arms when Bobby came in -- Seth WAS in the room however - just in his 
    incubator.  We heard somewhere (can't remember where), that when your 
    first child comes to visit at the hospital, mom should be available to 
    hug THEM and greet THEM on a one-on-one basis, since kids, despite their 
    apparent positive attitude about a new member of the family, will still 
    feel threatened to some degree about this new person taking up mommy and 
    daddy's time (and attention).
    
    So, maybe you want to be sure that the new baby is THERE in the room
    with you, but your hands are free to give Jonathan a little extra love
    and attention BEFORE you introduce the new addition.
    
    Also - I agree with some other noters ideas -- we planned Bobby's
    visits around lunch time & he got to go to the BIG hospital cafeteria
    for lunch & visited with me before & after eating.  He likes going to
    new places to eat, so this was an adventure to him & it broke up the
    time spent in one room.
    
    Regarding which relatives/friends to use to help out:  You will
    undoubtedly have enough things on your mind without adding any worries
    about how Jonathan is fairing & is someone supervising him the way you
    would want.  I would definitely go with people that have a like
    attitude and approach to child care and living as you do.  
    
    Good luck & hope this helped!
    
    Linda
    

    Oh . 25!  Why didn't I think of that?!  You're absolutely right,
    of course....I did this when Hollis was born.  Mike told me when they
    were coming to visit, so I arranged with the nurses to be sure Holly
    was in the nursery so I could devote all my attention to James.  When
    I came home, he was at the sitter's, but when he came home, I made
    sure she was in her peanut seat (or maybe she was sleeping, I can't
    remember), but I gave him a big hug and a kiss and was pretty off-hand
    about the new baby.  I think this is why my feelings were so hurt when
    he "rejected" me -- I truly thought I'd bent over backward to make him
    feel part of things.

    
    Lauren was 2 1/2 when her brother Craig was born.  I entered a note
    back in April about preparing a toddler for a new baby, and the 
    responses were very helpful (Note 516 I think).  Lauren has adjusted
    very well to Craig, and assumed the "big sister" role immediately!
    
    She came to visit us in the hospital (I also tried VBAC, unsuccessfully, 
    so was in the hospital for 4 days), and it was wonderful for all of us.  
    A few hints that really worked for us:
    
    1. Allow daily visits if you are up to it, but expect them to be
    	short (about 30 min).  It's tiring on Mom to have visitors!
    	Lauren was absolutely captivated by Craig and loved to watch
    	him in the bassinet.  It was special to have Grandma bring her
    	so that I could be with my husband and Craig by ourselves, and
    	Grandma took her out to lunch right after each visit.
    	
    2. Take advantage of your hospital's sibling program if they offer
    	it.  Ours was a 2-hour session, complete with anatomically
    	correct baby dolls that the sibs practiced holding and a tour
    	of the nursery & postpartum area.  It was very valuable for
    	Lauren because she saw where I was going to be and we explained
    	that Grandma would bring her for a visit each day that I was
    	in the hospital, I think that was reassuring for her.  We were
    	lucky to have the same nurse who taught the class on staff when
    	Lauren came to visit, so she could see a familiar face.
    
    	Also, our hospital had a policy that all sibs MUST have a normal
    	temperature reading before going in to see Mom & Baby.  Lauren
    	was so excited to see her new little brother that she freaked
    	when a nurse stopped her and tried to take her temperature (even
    	though we practiced it during the sibling class)! She screamed
    	for 10 minutes, and finally my husband calmned her down enough
    	to take it.  She was so disruptive that they almost sent her
    	home so that she would not disturb the other moms & babies. 
    	It's important for sibs to know that the nursing staff may NOT 
    	ALLOW sibs to visit the baby if they have a cold.
    
    	The second day's visit went much better because Grandma reminded
    	Lauren that she had to have her temperature taken before seeing
    	the baby, so that she was all prepared.
    
    3. Get the older child a little baby doll of their own, preferably
    	a while before the baby comes.  That way they can practice holding,
    	feeding, changing, etc. their own baby.  
    	
    	This really helped with Lauren.  She still diapers "Baby" when 
    	I change Craig.  It's also been a great source of humor - she
    	nurses Baby in restaurants, "Baby" has spit up on outfits
    	that then have to be changed, and (best of all) Lauren shows 
    	her "scar where Baby came out" to her friends!
    
    	Lauren also brought Baby to the hospital visits, making sure that
    	Baby's temperature was normal before she could see Craig, too!
    
    4. Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" before your 2nd child comes along!
    	I know this sounds crazy, but it will give you a good perspective
    	on how the older one views a new addition to the family, and will 
    	give you some excellent tips on how to deal with the frustrations that
    	the older one will feel towards the new baby - no matter how
    	mild or severe those reactions are!  
    
    5. Read "The Second Child" which is a book much along the same lines
    	as the previous, but centers around how the second child fits
    	into the family and how parents deal with their own feelings about
    	their relationship with the second child.  Excellent reading!
    
    	Both books are quick reading, since you probably don't have enough
    	time to do anything at this point!
                                             
    
    	Enjoy this wonderful time!
    
    	-Maureen

    re: .27
    
    Maureen's note on a preparing a family/siblings for the arrival
    of a new baby is note 436.  Lots of good info there.
    
    Carol Stolicny, co-mod

re: .25

EXCELLENT point.  If I remember right, the way we worked it out (probably by 
accident more than foresight) was that the baby was not in the room when Lara 
and I arrived.  I went to get the baby, which took awhile, because you could 
not get your baby until you had scrubbed for five minutes.  That way, big 
bro/sis gets alone time with mommy.

Clay

    Being free to hug the older child may be a good idea, but hard
    to put into practice if you do not know exactly when they will
    appear in the room or if the newborn needs attention at that moment.
    I will definitely keep this in mind though!
    
    Monica