Conference moira::parenting

I put an extensive note in the V3 conference on European au pairs.  There is
another group over here that is advertising for girls who want to be au pairs
in America called the Mary Poppins Association.  You might want to look into it.

If you have the space in your house to give an au pair and while you have three
children with such difference in age with one being a baby, I personally think
it is a good solution.  My experience is that au pairs from Europe (my one 
American wasn't a good experience) is that they usually do a good job and 
work well.  The biggest problem is home sickness.

I am happy to be passed this stage but in our case I did not see any alternative
as we do not have day care, after school care, etc.

Send me mail or call if you have any questions.

Regards,
Cheryl

    At present I have a Swedish Au Pair caring for my 1 year old. Overall,
    I am VERY happy with the arrangement although it is not what I expected
    it to be.
    
    I used EF Au Pair. Don't know about the other agencies. My sense of
    this is that the Au Pairs want to connect with other Au Pairs and have
    a good time while they are here. My Au Pair doesn't spend a lot of time
    with me and I get the sense that the saem is true for her au pair
    friends. Thus, the experience is low on cultural exchange.
    
    The telephone interview leaves a great deal to be desired. If I were to
    do it over again, I would be much more organized and critical of
    language skills, etc.
    
    My suggestion is to think about the space issue. All they require is a
    separate bedroom but a finished basement would be nice.
    
    Also, it will involve getting to know another person and making sure
    that communication is good. I think it is worth the energy.
    
    I feel that my daughter has a caretaker who is genuinely interested in
    her. The au pair's outside life is on hold for a year so she can focus
    on the baby. Also, the au pair can connect with other au pairs and
    "their children" for play activities. I feel this is good for the au
    pair and the baby.
    
    Now, the situation is not ideal. We are going to have a heart to heart
    talk tonight on what is working and what isn't but I say go for it.
    
    By the way, the DEC child care referral org will send you a videotape
    of parents chatting about their experiences with in home care. You may
    find it useful.
    
    Good luck.

    (Hi Anne!)
    
    I don't know if you remember (since I know you, but can't remember if
    I mentioned it) that I've BEEN an au pair and can tell that side of it.
    
    Give me a call sometime! 
    
    (I was an American 20 year old in Geneva, Switzerland with an American
    family; their situation was similar to yours!)  It was a great
    experience for me and I think them too.
    
    Tara

    
    I have had 2 au pairs and just picked up my third (it's an annual
    thing) at Logan last Thursday.  We use the Homestay program and
    have had mixed experiences.  I, too, have 3 children, all boys aged 2-6 
    so I have the varied environment of having 1 in school, 1 in pre-school
    several mornings a week and 1 home being entertained by the au pair and 
    the friends she has made (other au pairs with their children).
    
    It's a terrific solution for us because of the disparity of the
    children's activities and the need for another helping hand that is
    actually "living" with us.  We even have resumed taking walks at night
    because we can!
    
    Having the space is an essential part of it as well as recognizing what 
    it is you want from the au pair.  Communication is critical and needs to 
    be a continual part of the relationship.   
    
    
    I would be happy to talk with you about it off-line and answer any
    questions.  
    
    -dorothy
    LEZAH::MINER
    297-7022
            

    Well, we are getting ready to have our fourth Au Pair come to live with
    us.  We use EF Au Pair and are really pleased with the arrangements.
    We have 3 kids - Amanda, 6; Jessica 4, and Gregory, 1 - the thoughts of
    doing daycare ever again make me shrudder!
    
    The key success factors, for us, have been - 
    
    1. Realistically knowing why you have an Au Pair.  She is not Mary
       Poppins, nor a professional nany.
    2. Clearly identify what you want your Au Pair to do and then tell her!
    3. If possible, the more private her quarters, the better.  We finished
       the basement and this gave everyone a little breathing room.
    4. Be preprared that the Au Pair is a young person who will probably
       have an active social life ... this is a blessing or a curse ... 
       our only rule .. be on time for work!
    5. Be Flexible where appropriate, be reasonable at all times, be
       appreciative of her efforts,(Some days are harder than others - let
       her know you understand) and COMMUNICATE ALL THE TIME!
    
    If you would like more info, send EMAIL at BIGQ::SILVERMAN
    
    Good luck with your choice.  If you are happy with your choice, your
    family will be fine.
    
    Regards,
    Sharon

    
    	One other important factor that I have not seen in any of the
    replies yet, is location. I live in Amherst, NH and have an Au Pair
    from Belgium. She has been here for 6 months now and has decided that
    she doesn't think she can go through with the next 6 months living
    outside the city. She  is taking a course in Boston every week and she
    goes to Boston most weekends. She has also taken several trips to N.Y.
    City. In spite of all of this she doesn't think she can make it.
    By the same token, an Au Pair who comes from a very rural area may be
    quite intimidated by a city and find herself/himself unhappy there.
    
    	The organization is Au Pair in America. They will allow a rematch
    based on location. I am not very happy with this right now, because my
    daughter is 9 months and I would rather not turn her world upside down
    now and then have to do it again in six months.
    
    	When I first read in the brochures about the policies around
    rematch, I thought it would never happen to us. I had no intention
    of exploiting anyone and I took alot of care in selecting her. In
    fact she would love to stay with us, if we only lived in a city.
    And we are very happy with the way she cares for our daughter.
    
    	I have become aware of alot of Au Pairs who rematch for various
    reasons. So if you don't wish to have your family disrupted midyear,
    I would suggest being a bit more careful about the selection than I
    was. Specifically, make sure he/she really understands what is
    available in your area. Some Au Pairs may be content socializing with
    other Au Pairs, but some may have certain hobbies that they must be
    able to do. If you can identify this up front and determin if your
    area really can offer what he/she is looking for, it will go along
    way to insure he/she is happy.
    
    Best of luck!
    Carrie

Even then, I am not so sure you can guarantee a good match.  Based on my 
experience ( I had two in the first 6 mths alone), if the girl you interview
has been waiting a long period of time to be 'selected' or has been interviewed 
a couple of times and not been 'selected', she is anxious as hell to come to the
U.S.  Then no matter what you try to tell her or find out from her nothing 
registers and after coming here it is just as easy for them to find a rematch
of families.  So the disruption can occur no matter how careful you are!

In our case, we had made it very clear to the organization that we would not be
providing our Au pair with a car.  The girls knew that up front also.  But it
has made no difference.  The current one we have does not have a driver's 
license and it hasn't hampered her mobility one bit.  She is happy with us and
we're very happy with her.  They are not perfect, but perfection was not what I
was looking for.  Also, I was not looking to exploit the girls.  All I was 
looking for was an ability in the girl to adjust in a family.

Also, it is very important to know the organization that you are working with.
Evaluate the community reps that are assigned to your aupair and your family.
Alongwith an aupair change, we also changed community reps and it is now working
out.  If I had the choice, I would change the organization too!

My .02 cents worth!

Many thanks to all of you for your information. We have decided to work with Au
Pair in America (the cluster counselor is very good - very perceptive and 
knowledgeble about the issues and intricasies of relationships). We "matched"
with an au pair from Germany this weekend. I think we're realistic about the
issues (we read all the fine print about rematches and the counselor took alot
of time talking to us about different circumsances leading to rematches - so 
there was no brushing over the possibility)

Your comments were very helpful in structuring our interview. (In fact, we're
wondering if we matching for us, or for the kids!)  Both my husband and I
were also Hall directors for a couple of years while we were in college.
We've seen and dealt with just about everything a couple hundred 18-21 year 
olds can spring on you in their first experience away from home...  (Honest -
it wasn't *that* long ago...)

Living in Lexington, we're close to Boston and have easy access to public
transportation. Regardless, we'll still be providing a car for pick up duty and
to give her some freedom. In addition, we have a  private area for the au pair
(bedroom and bath) which is away from the  family quarters (we're in the process
of finishing it now..). 

I'm hoping we have all the ingredients for success, but I'm not above crossing
my fingers!

Thanks Again,

Anne

    I'm curious... Does any of this apply to Au Pair's?
    
    We're considering getting an Au Pair through an agency in Cambridge,
    MA.  These are girls 18-25 yrs old from Denmark, Sweden, Germany that
    are here on a 13-month work visa.  We pay the agency so much money
    for the girl's air-fare, medical coverage, and agency fees.  Then we
    pay the girl $100/week for in-home daycare.  We also provide room
    and board.
    
    Does this mean that we have to pay SS on what we pay her?  She's not
    a US citizen and we're not paying the agency for her services.
    
    Thanks
    

Hi all.

I'm looking for opinions/suggestiong/gotcha's, etc on Au Pair's.

We have a friend whose sister is using an Au Pair.  The agency
they used is EF Au Pair based in Cambridge, MA.  They pay an
application fee of $190 the first year and $3290 which covers
the Au Pair's flight, medical coverage, and agency fees.  They
then pay her $100/week for 52 weeks.  She gets two weeks paid
vacation per year, plus room and board.

The way I am figuring this out, the cost is about the same as
if we paid child-care for our 3 children (baby due in August).

However, we have the convenience of having someone IN our home
and don't have to take the kids to someone's house, we don't 
have to worry about being late to pick them up and she will do
light house-keeping.  Which, for me is a BIG plus as I wouldn't
have to spend my entire weekend getting caught up on housework.
We would have more time to spend with our children.  

We also, never again have to worry about what we will do IF....
Even though the Au Pair is in the U.S. on a 13 month visa, we
don't have to worry about finding someone else the next year,
the agency does that for us.  

BTW, the Au Pair's are from Denmark, Sweden and Germany, are
VERY fluent in English and have taken the required training.
This is a Government program.  I'm also wondering how it works
for Social Security.  We have to get her a SS # in order to
claim the child care deduction, but do we have to pay SS taxes?
The girls are 18-25 years old and have an interest in learning
    and seeing the U.S.  Some of them are from very influencial
    families.  One of the Au Pair's our friend's had was the
    daughter of one of the VP's at Volvo or someplace like that.
    
It sounds like a wonderful idea.  I'm just a little nervous
about doing something like this.

Any idea, opinions, concerns, references, etc?

Peggy

    

    We have good friends (and neighbors) who have an au pair.  They love it
    for some of the reasons you cited.  Two things, though:  While you will
    have the convenience of having her in your home, you will also have the
    _inconvenience_ of having someone in your home!  And I wouldn't assume
    you don't have to worry about getting home on time.  Even though they
    are "there anyway," they should have set hours (there is a limit to how
    many hours they will work) and and shouldn't be taken advantage of just
    because they're somewhat "stuck."
    
    I don't think you have to pay SS taxes (I guess that's the agency's
    concerns), but I guess someone with firsthand experience should answer
    that.
    
    T.
    

To be an au pair is a long standing tradition in Europe.  You can read some of
my experiences in this and previous versions of PARENTING.  Having an au pair
in Geneva is about the only option for full time working mothers but many stay
at home parents have them also.

I won't go into a long discussion here about how WE got along with au pairs, 
etc., but I'd like to make some remarks about what a European au pair might be
like.

First of all, they will speak VERY good English.  Don't let this fool you.  Lots
of the time they won't understand a word you're saying :-)  Watch their eyes.

European au pairs are not at all like American babysitters.  They expect to 
help out and do housework etc.  But they also expect to get an educational 
experience out of their stay.  Make sure you make it very clear to them what 
their duties are, however.  Don't expect them to read your mind.

The biggest danger is homesickness and loneliness.  If you can find other au
pairs in the area or activities that they can participate in with other 
young people, it will make your life and their life better.  This is a big
culture shock for them.

The tradition here is that an au pair is a part of the family, rather as if
you had a niece on an extended visit.  Some girls like this, others keep 
themselves more distant.  You should be prepared for this intrusion, however.

Our girls were usually pretty flexible regarding hours.  We did telephone if we 
expected to be late and they let us know if they had to leave early for a
class.  We expected two nights of babysitting per week, one of which could be
a weekend.  Actually we didn't go out this often and when we did, we tried to
arrange it a week or so in advance.  They often had friends in if they babysat.
We encouraged this and visits from friends and relatives, exactly as if they
were a member of the family.  Other parents here do not do this, however.

If you can't get along with a girl, go back to the agency and try to 
exchange her.  It is unfair for you and her to live with the frustration.  There
is most likely some other family out there who has the perfect au pair for
you who can't get along with their family either :-)

For Swedish au pairs, a year abroad applies to college credit for them.  Germans
usually have a year after they graduate before they can get a place in a 
university.

Cheryl

    
    I have an au pair (my 3rd) and went through a similar agency (Home-
    stay).  Prices, hours, 13 month- work/study visa (J1) all the same.
    Supposedly the agency DOES take care of the taxes, they have a tax
    id number that I use with DCRA for reimbursement.  With the new ad-
    ministration it is conceivable that the au pair agencies will fall
    under Department of Labor which would not be good since it is now
    under the Department of Education (I think) and has special status
    because of the educational component.  Our au pairs are from all over
    Europe, not just the 3 you mentioned.  I have had, overall, a very
    positive experience, but like Cheryl has said, I include them as
    part of the family and try to combat their home-sickness by promoting
    social relationships with other au pairs in the area.  We love our
    current one and will be very teary-eyed in July when she leaves. 
    
    
    -dorothy

    
    We have had one live-out nanny for almost three years.  Our children
    are very attached to her. 
    
    With aupairs that leave each year, how do you deal with the good-byes?
    
    ??
    Jamd
    @>--;--
    

Well, our situation is different.  There were very few that we got so attached
to that we wanted them to stay and when they change as a matter of course it 
makes it easier.  Also, having them live in the house I found that after about
3/4 of a year, they start to feel *too* much at home and began to get on
our nerves.  

The ones that we got more attached to also came back often.  We keep in touch
and one family has become our regular house sitter if we go away on longer
vacations.  In this case we have normally become also very good friends with
the parents of the girl.

Occassionally it was more difficult for the children because they look for 
something different in an au pair than we do.

Cheryl

    We had a mixed experience with an au pair.  What I learned was:
    
    - Don't trust the matching process, it seems to be a who is available
      to meet you needs.  If I were to do this again I would ask to talk
      with the person prior to acceptance.  Also, once you select an au
      pair write him/her - if there is something that triggers you as
      unacceptable, address it before they arrive (to the best you can
      working with the organization and the language differences).
    
    - Really look at experience they have with your kids ages.  In my
      case we had an infant and our au pair had little infant experience.
      I think she may have actually been bored which led to some problems.
      Where another au pair I knew of was not used to toddlers and could
      not deal with the "testing", ie all the "no's".  She ended up many
      time in tears.  Her experience was with infants.
    
    - Work out car availability and stick to it.  We had somewhat limited
      access to our car.  This was fine until we were away for a week and
      she had unlimited use.  After that she found the previous arrangement
      unacceptable.  We needed to handle this differently.
    
    - In the end our au pair left after 6 months and we chose to use 
      the YMCA daycare.  It worked for us since our daughter loved the
      interaction with other children.  Having an au pair worked for the
      first six months since I would have had trouble leaving her so young
      at a daycare.
    
    - Also, we were left with a $340 phone bill that after 9 months still
      has not been paid.  Once we agreed she would find a new home she was
      in our house another week.  She was going to another home in New York,
      after three days there she went home to Iceland.  Again, there are
      things that could have been done different here; take a deposit when
      she arrives, not let her use the phone once we knew she was leaving
      (she ran up $140 that last week). 
    
    Many of our decisions and trust came from the heart and not the gut. 
    We felt if we could trust her with our daughter we should trust her with
    our belongings.  Next time I will follow my gut first and then my heart.  
    I think all those hormones after the birth threw me off.
     
    I have seen au pair situations work great, especially the second time
    around when you have learned from your first experience.  Having only
    one child also meant we were paying a premium for daycare and I didn't
    see Lauren getting premium care and the inconvience of someone else in
    the home wasn't worth it for us.  With two children the decision could
    be different. 
    
    Sorry to rattle.  Tried to point out our learnings and give you some
    input on a mixed experience - which worked for the time.
    

    My good friend and neighbor has an au pair.  This is secondhand
    experience, but I think you may find it helpful.
    
    In her case, she did "interview" several candidates by phone before
    selecting one.  I believe she also exchanged letters before Rachel (the
    au pair) came.  Rachel, who is from England, had previously worked as
    an au pair in our area, which was a successful experience.  So, Jennifer 
    (my friend) knew that she enjoyed working with kids, was responsible
    (per the previous family), and liked the area.  It has worked out very
    well for them--or it did until Jennifer got laid off recently!  I'll
    find out what agency she used and let you know any other information
    she wants to share.
    
    -Tracy
     

I'd like to hear from anyone who has had an au pair come and stay in 
their home on how you prepared for the arrival of your au pair.

We have decided to try out the Au Pair routine this year, and do
expect our girl to arrive the last weekend of September. She seems very
nice and reliable. We have had a long conversation on the phone with her, 
I have also talked to both of the people she left as references, and they 
both gave her very good references. She is from Sweden and this is our
first au pair.

I want to prepare as much as possible for her arrival. Emma has been singing
in a choir for several years and is very interested in music. I was hoping to
find a choir around Acton/Boxborough MA area that she could join for a 
year. Any ideas? 

Also,

- I think you need a Social security to open a bank account, how did you
  solve this? Did your girl have a bank account of her own?
- Did your girl get a Mass drivers licence or use the licence from her home
  country?
- Did you prepare anything special ahead of time for their arrival?
- Anything you did not do,that you afterwards wished you had thought of?

Many thanks

/Malin

  We hosted several aupairs (all from Sweden if that matters).  I always
liked to prepare lots of literature about my area.  I saved all of the
college catalogues that we received in the mail.  I gathered maps of our
area, local public transportation schedules, etc.  It also helps to get
names and phone numbers of other aupairs in your area.  We had one aupair
who really needed to get connected with other aupairs as soon as possible.
We had another who had no interest in the other aupairs.  You might want
to gather info on local exercise options as well.  All our aupairs joined
a health club or signed up for an exercise class.

  You do want to get a social security card.  I always handled that by
going to the office in Lowell with the aupair.  I don't remember it being
too much of a hassle.  The aupairs handled getting their own bank accounts
without problem.  As an aside I always felt it best to pay them in cash.

  None of our aupairs got an American driver's license.  They all were
allowed to use our car.  No problem.

  We also had an aupair interested in choir.  She joined a group that met
in Chelmsford.  I'm sorry but I don't remember the name.  Groups like this
are listed in the Boston Globe (we get the Northwest Weekly section)  This
group was not affiliated with a church at all.  Malin (our aupair) REALLY
enjoyed this.  She made an American friend that I'm sure she still writes 
to.

  If I had to do it all over again I would try to spell out in writing 
everything that I expected from the aupair.  You should also spell out what
she can expect from you.  You need to have regular meetings with the aupair
and revise expectations.

  For the most part our aupair experience was a happy one.  We have 3
former aupairs that we still write to/exchange gifts with etc.  We have
visited them in Sweden and expect someday to have them visit us here.

Elizabeth

    I am looking for information about the experiences which people have
    had with Aupairs.Would it be possible for anyone to describe their
    personal experiences, both negative and positive? If possible what
    agency they used and why.
    
    

Hi,


Our first Au Pair year is coming to an end and it is
time to think about next year.

I'm curious to know from other families with au pair
experience, how did you schedule the arrival / departure?

If there is overlap in time the new girl could learn
things/be shown around by the old au pair.
On the other hand I would love to have the house to myself
for a few days before we start again, to "catch my breath",
prepare for the new arrival and also spend time with my son.

I'd love to hear from others on how you planned this out.

Also, given your planning and expectations, was your au 
pair agency listening to you, and did the switch over 
work out the way you wanted?

Many thanks

/Malin

    Malin,
    My preference was to have a break between one au pair leaving and
    one arriving. I also felt that it was my responsibility to immediately 
    begin building a relationship, reviewing the house rules, job tasks, etc.
    with the new au pair, rather than leaving it up to the au pair whose 
    thoughts were on packing and leaving. For me, it typically ended up
    that one au pair would leave in the June/July timeframe and another
    would arrive in early September. This worked out fine. Good luck.
    
    Lynn
    

Lynn,

Thanks for your reply. It will be a one week break between
one au pair leaving and the next one coming, and I will
take 1 vacation week to spend time with my son at
home. As time draws nearer I'm more and more happy with
this outcome, since it will give me a chance to have my
house "to myself" for a week, and I will also be able to spend
more time with my son. 

I also agree with your point about building the relationship
and reviewing house rules etc. This break will make it easier to 
modify some of our house rules and do some things a little different
than last time.


/Malin

Hi,

This year we're having problems getting a non-working social security
number for our Au Pair. Since I'm using DCRA we need a tax-id number 
to claim the money. The non-working social security number is what 
we've been told to use and that is what we have used in the past with
no problem.

This year we're getting the run-around from the EF Au Pair organisation and
the Social security office:
1. During 1st visit to SS-office we were told that we needed a letter from EF
Au Pair stating that our girl is an au pair and under what status she is in 
the US. 2. EF provided us with a letter upon request, and told me that the
letter was written/developed last year especially for the purpose of non-
working SS-number applications. EF said that we are eligble for a non-working
SS-number. 3. During second visit to the SS-office it became clear that the
SS-office had changed their story. As the letter was presented (to the same
officer that we had seen during visit 1) they now claimed that we were not
eligble for a non-working SS-number at all and that EF orgainisation was wrong.
The officer did of course not acknowledge that she had told a different story
during our first visit. After 2 visits to the Social security office (Lowell)
and waiting over 2 hours both times, still with no social security number, I'm
starting to get fed up. 

If anyone else is struggling with this, or has managed to get a tax-id # 
that can be used for claiming DCRA funds, how did you do it?

Thanks
/Malin

    I have an aupair. We use the Worcester office. I keep it VERY simple
    to these people and explain she is a student here on exchange. No
    problem.