Conference moira::parenting

    
    re. .0
    
    Congrats!
    
    Unplanned (accidents) are not the same as unwanted. I find
    that people are going to say whatever they want to say and
    not run the stuff through their brain before they run it
    through their mouth. I would recommend just saying simply
    that it was very much planned, thankyou very much, if they 
    insisted on knowing; and move on. I know it is very hard
    at times to ignore the sly remarks and such, but it is not
    worth wasting emotional stress over these comments from
    not-very-thoughtful folks. 
    
    I still get comments from people, any people, like "Oh,
    so you only have *ONE* kid??", as if something is wrong
    with that fact or with me. Somedays, I get b*tchy and slam
    back "Well, the second one didn't make it past 3 months if
    it really matters to you...", but most of the time I just
    shrug it over, why bother...  
    
    Enjoy and best wishes.
    
    Eva

    I have three with a 19 year age span.  Ours were all unplanned, but not
    unwanted, pregnancies. 
    
    "How did this happen?" is one of the many questions I get asked.  "I
    fell asleep," "I have short-term memory problems and forgot where babies
    came from," or "I have no idea, can you tell me where babies come
    from?"  have been some of my responses.  
    
    I waited for a bit and only shared the information with a couple of
    very close friends and my immediate supervisor until we were sure
    Atlehi was going to stick around.  I have had several miscarriage
    between kids, and don't count a pregnancy as "real" until I make it
    through the first trimester.  The news eventually filtered out to
    teamates, who did have a good time with the pregnancy one they got over
    the usual questions. 
    
    Dealing with my family?  Well that was another story.  My mom still
    hasn't completely gotten over the "role reversal" between Frank and I,
    and really thought she had enough grandchildren, particularly when my
    nephew and his wife announced their pregnancy shortly before Atlehi was
    born and she was also going to be a great-grandmother in the same year.  
    
    My one sister worried about what I might be doing to my career, and the
    other thinks I am nuts (neither of them have biological children,
    although my baby sister is raising her husband's son and my brother's
    youngest, long story)  My oldest daughter looked at me and said "this
    is a hell of a way to say you might want grandchildren!"  She was 119
    when Atlehi was born.  Carrie looked at me and said neat, until she
    realized how much work toddlers are.    
    
    

[first of all, best wishes to .0 for a successful, uneventful-until-birth
pregnancy]

[ second of all, I didn't read .0 to say that the pregnancy was unplanned 
 (as a matter of fact, I "read into" the note just the opposite). 
 If the pregnancy was unplanned, and you actually want to share that
information, then I liked what Roseanne (nee Arnold nee Barr) told DJ when when
he asked whether he was an accident:  "You weren't an accident, you
were a wonderful surprise! ]

To answer the question I thought .0 asked:

I would go with the minimalist approach that Miss Manners has suggested
for revealing other news that might invoke comment:

 "I just know that you are going to be thrilled for me that [husband's
name] and I  are going to have a baby!"

-- "oh, gee, was it an accident?"


  "We're just so grateful that we had the forethought to save the baby
things from [child # 2]"

-- "but aren't you worried about [your career, your figure, ad infinitum]?"

  "I'm so glad you're happy for me!"



repeat with semi non-sequiturs until they get the idea :-)

B'Sha'ah Tovah ("At a good hour" --what religious Jews say to expecting parents
in place of "congratulations"),

Bobbi

    Re. 1 -- Hey Eva, how about something, "I won't always be pregnant, but
    you'll always be stupid!"?
    
    But seriously, folks.....Do your level best to ignore people.  You're
    under no obligation to answer nosy questions.  I will never forget the
    day a pleasant, blue-haired grandmotherly type saw me with my two in
    the local grocery store and said, "One of each!  How nice!  Are you
    planning to get your tubes tied?"  I just turned my back on her.  THis
    woman was a total stranger, by the way.
    
    Families are harder to deal with.  I tend to avoid conflict, so my
    tactic would probably to ignore the question and change the subject. 
    Hopefully you have close friends with whom you can share the joy of
    your pregnancy, and maybe you won't have to deal so much with your
    family.  I wish you a lot of good luck with your pregnancy and with
    dealing with your family.  Remember, grace happens.
    
    Last word:  For .2 -- Just tell people you "stopped at perfection."  A
    friend of mine does that -- works every time. 

    Re 4:
    
    Or this'd be great...
    
    Nosey Person:  Are you planning to get your tubes tied?
    
    Pregnant Mom:  I have reservations about that.  Some medical
                   procedures can't be reversed.  But then you of all 
                   people could understand... It's a shame doctors
                   couldn't reverse your frontal lobotomy.  (Sympathetic,
                   compassionate look required to carry off the last
                   phrase before quickly exiting.)
    
    But seriously, it's more important to look at the _intent_ of the 
    comments, not the words themselves.  If someone doesn't _intend_ to
    hurt you, why get all bent out of shape?
    
    Haven't we all made comments at one time or another that
    unintentionally offended someone somewhere?  Wouldn't you hope they'd
    be "big" enough to forgive you?
    
                          - LL
                            A 33-week Mom-to-be who upon being told
                            she looked "really big" replied "Yes, and
                            I _feel_ really big!"  He meant no harm, but
                            he had no idea what I meant.

    	Babies are very special - apologize to no one!
    
    	One of my favorite lines is that I only come this way once, and
    intend to make the most of it...
    
    	Those who know me will recognize my line that my four children
    constitute "a good starter set".  And while each was not necessarily
    carefully planned, we were delighted with each of them.  In fact, as
    we get older with only our "baby" at home, we ask more regularly
    whatever would we do without Sara (our youngest).
    
    	As far as more kids go, "you never can tell"...
    
    	You can imagine that I get more than a few strange looks.  I don't
    care.  Life's too short.  Best of luck with your third - may you have
    as many as your hearts desire.
    
    Cheers!
    Dave Eklund
     

    reply to the basenoter:
    
    About this "accident" thing ...
    
    It's, shall we say ... "difficult" to accidently get pregnant by making
    an appointment with a physician to come in and do so [after taking
    fertility enhancing medication for two months].
    
    People I _told_ that I would be late to work [or have to leave early]
    because I was going to be at the clinic attempting to get pregnant
    _still_ asked me if my pregnancy was a "surprise" or and "accident?"
    
    I told family that we hoped to have a child and they still were shocked
    and surprised and asked if it was a surprise to us when I announced my
    pregnancy.
    
    The open premeditation I brought to having this child counted for
    nothing.
    
    My only advise to you on this is to start practicing those "cleansing
    breaths" now ... ;^)
    
      Annie
    
    

Just a thought, people might be less likely to ask about this
being an accident if you announce like this: "Great news!  ..."
so that you leave little doubt about your feelings on the subject.

Charlie

    
    	I think your being pregnant is wonderful. I have never experienced
    a miscarriage but I did experience a lot of verbal "abuse" from family
    to strangers.
    	I had my son 2 years ago. I was 19. Everyone, except my mother and
    my (now) husband. The news was shocking to most. Shocking to myself at
    first, but after a week or so I was thrilled. 
    	After he was born, my friends basically forgot about me. They
    didn't realize that I couldn't just get up and go anytime, anywhere
    anymore. So, they went on their ways and I stayed with my new ways. 
    	He was unplanned, but a wonderful and beautiful "accident"!!! I
    love him more than anything in the entire world!
    	I also went through family members telling me what to do, how to
    do it. etc..... I stood up for myself and stood my ground, told them I
    am his mother and I can make my own decisions...they laid off.
    
    		$.02    Katy 8)
    
    	p.s. Good luck and Congrats!
    

    Some of the replies I've given to obnoxious people who ask if it was an
    accident or unplanned:
    
    "I'm sorry, I didn't know I needed your permission"
    
    "It was not an accident, but to prove my point you could come and watch
     us next time."
    
    "What do you care?"
    
    "Does it really matter to you?"
    
    "I didn't know you were writing my life story.  What chapter are you
    on?"
    
    "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't be saying such a rude
    comment."
    
    I know, I know, I can be a smarta$$, but hey, if they want to ask or
    say rude things, then I've got every right to answer them in the same
    way.
    
    Congrats!
    

           -< How to deal with family/friend reactions to pregnancy >-

Well first of all Congratulations! to the basenoter.

My children are nine years apart .  . .I've heard all kinds of comments.

Everyone in the family, with the exception of my parents, assumed and 
made comments about 'our little accident'.  Many strangers have done the same. 

People have actually asked me if my children both have the same father.  

Ben was hardly an accident.  We actually had started the process of
adopting when we received the news that I was pregnant . .(people forgot 
that part).

I know it's hard some days, especially when you're pregnant, but it seemed
to work best for me to just laugh off the thoughtless comments with a 
lighthearted remark.  Was this an accident?  Oh don't be so silly!  
Is it the same father?  Well I hope so or my husband of 11 years will be 
pretty upset!

People sometimes act as though they forget all their manners when confronted
with a pregnant person.  How many people would ask you how much weight you've
gained if you weren't pregnant . . . or rub your belly without asking . . 
all the while holding the door or carrying your package . . . go figure!

I think one of the previous replies was a great idea . . make your announcement
a positive one leaving no room for doubt!

All the Best to you and your family!

    
    It seems to me like a lot of folks have relatively boring life,
    so they have to look for amusement and topics of discussion
    somewhere - good thing for the tabloids ;-).
    
    Besides being approached with "So, you only have ONE kid??"
    questions, people often made remarks on how incredibly young
    I must have been when I had my daughter, when they find out
    how old she is. It almost seems like I needed their permission 
    to have children in my mid 20's - hey, I have been working
    as an engineer since I was 21!! Well I tell these folks that 
    I am almost done (5 more years and she can drive herself
    around town!) and I can start thinking about my freedom again.
    
    
    Eva
    
    

    I have a real problem with calling a child an "accident".  Roseanne had
    a show one time where Darlene kept telling DJ that he was an "accident"
    and DJ got very upset at it.  I can understand why.  It made him feel
    like he wasn't wanted.  Roseanne had a VERY good explanation to him. 
    She said something similar to the following:
    
    "You weren't an accident, you were a surprise.  The difference is, an
    accident is something you don't want, a surprise is something that you
    didn't realize how much you wanted until you got it."
    
    Roseanne DOES come up with some good lines every once in a while.
    
    Holly
    

    
    Maybe when you tell them do it something like this ....
    
    {assuming that Jack is the dad};
    
    You: You know what?
    them: What?
    You: Jack and I have been hoping really hard for a while for one of our
    dreams to come true, and it finally has!!
    them: Oh yeah, what's that?
    You: I'm PREGNANT AGAIN!!!  Isn't this GREAT?!?! I'm so excited aobut
    having a 3rd child etc etc ....
    
    bubble on a bit about it, so that they can catch their breath and work
    through whatever misgivings they may have, before they have to reply. 
    Once they see how happy you are, they'll quickly follow suit.
    
    CONGRATULATIONS!!!
    Patty

    My oldest sister got a surprise 4th pregnancy that had her very
    upset.  Her third child had lots of medical issues that were 
    just starting at that time.  And though they had never decided
    not to have a fourth, they certainly hadn't intended it either.
    The timing was less than desirable.
    
    She was quite upset and didn't tell anyone for the first few
    months.  Then on Christmas day, she slipped down into her room
    and came out with a t-shirt saying, "I'm not fat, I'm pregant".
    Well, it took people a few minutes to notice, but when we did,
    it was like a bomb went off in the room!   It was dead silence.
    Then my youngest sister, just about *yelled*, "What are you....
    CRAZY???????!!!!!!"   Oh, it was just awful.  I felt so bad for
    my sister.  YOu could see she just wanted to cry.   But my MOm
    had already talked with her through the beginning months and
    stepped right in and got things running smoothly again.  We
    recovered from shock and made her feel better.  A bit...
    
    It's been 11 years since then, and we all love that little surprise,
    Jeff.   
    
    Hey, now wasn't that cheerful???  :-)   You just jarred that memory.
    
    						cj *->