Conference moira::parenting

    Jay Ryan in Worcester is suppose to be one of the best child
    psychologist is Worcester.  He's off Highland Street in Worcester.
    
    

   It could also be allergy related.  Sometimes severe allergic reactions
 are revealed thru behavoural reactions rather than physical reactions (like
 a rash).  Is he always like this? Or does it happened after he eats or 
 maybe after he has been playing outside.  If one minute he is a normal
 happy child and the next he is screaming out of control, then try and
 be aware of what happended to cause the change.  In an artical I read
 about this the allergist said you should ask yourself the following:
 "What did he eat? What did he touch? What did he smell?"  Consider
 things such as perfumes, hair spray, car fumes, etc. in the smell
 category.

 Good luck..

-Lisa  

    As far as I know Mikey (that's what we call him) is always out of
    control.
    
    At first we thought he might be hard of hearing or have a learning
    problem because he just doesn't seem to listen but he speaks very well
    and is very intelligent, especially for his age.
    
    He is always hyper, but he only gets violent when he doesn't get what
    he wants. By violent, I mean he will turn around and punch his mother,
    scream, throw things, etc... He sucker punched his older brother when
    he made a comment though at the moment, he seems to dote on his baby
    sister Katy; we are nervous that he may one day hurt the baby with his
    violent temper tantrums. Its really awful to see him carry on in
    this way.  I feel really bad for my sister because he's obviously
    wearing her out. She has two other children to look after.
    
    The one thing that I notice is that Mikey shows absolutely no fear of
    adults. He just does whatever he pleases and refuses to listen to anyone.
    

    Sounds to me like Mikey is full of anger and doesn't know
    how to vent it.  Is it possible that something bad has 
    happened to him that his Mom doesn't know about?  His
    behavior seems to coincide with children who have been
    abused in some way.
    
    The other thing you might want to check is Attention
    Deficit Disorder.  Children who can't focus on something
    very long are always all over the place.  
    
    UMass has a clinic where they will test your child...
    phone number is 791-5100

Scott, I agree that you should have him evaluated, and as soon as possible.
There's something going on here, whether chemical/physical, or emotional.

In the meantime, as an armchair pyschologist I would like to make one 
suggestion:  work on his violent behavior.  It's possible you (sister, mostly)
might be able to make some progress by CONSISTENTLY and repeatedly:
1) give him lots of love
2) when he hits (bites, kicks, other violent action against someone) put him
   in a timeout.  Timeout is defined as ignoring the child other than to tell
   him that "you are now in Timeout for hitting" and then placing him 
   somewhere out of the way for X amount of time.  The time period should be
   *short* and should be repeated if he does not stay in the spot.  It should
   be repeated with no more words than "There goes the buzzer, but since 
   Mikey isn't in his timeout spot (stairs, corner, whatever) then Mikey 
   has another Timeout."  Once he stays in the spot for the entire time,
   then when the buzzer goes off again he gets as much love and hugs as he
   wants (he may not be ready for hugs right away).  Buzzers are good because
   the child knows this is a set time, and not arbitrary on the part of the
   parent.  Buzzers are loud and hard to miss, unlike a timer with a single 
   bell.
   I recommend starting with a 1 minute timeout.  Some people go with the idea
   of 1 minute per year of age, but I have found that with (nearly 5 year old) 
   Evan, he will either cooperate at first or not.  The most I have used with 
   him is 3 minutes, and usually only about 1 minute.  He gets the point.  
   1 minute is good to start with because it is likely your nephew will not 
   stay in the spot for several times while he is learning the boundaries of 
   Timeout.
3) Give him a way to vent his anger that is acceptable to you.  Tell him if
   he is angry he can hit his chair/pillow/bed, or that he can throw his 
   pillow at his bed, or whatever works for you.  Make sure it isn't 
   destructive, but allows him to vent.  You may want to buy him an extra 
   strong pillow or punching bag (and gloves! - they'll allow him to hit 
   until his anger is released, instead of only until his hands are raw;
   I speak from my own personal childhood experience).

Good luck.  I hope you all get this figured out soon, so he (and the rest of
you) can live a happier life.

      Carol

help!!


I need some advice on how to deal with the child of some friends. These are 
very good friends; we see them often and sometimes go away for weekends  
and vacations together.  The problem is their 6 year old son.  He is a
terror.  He just doesn't know how to behave.  I can usually ignore bad
behavior in someone else's kids, after all, my kids are not angels, and no 
one can expect children to behave all the time.  But, what would you do if
a 6 year old pinched you in the rear-end, and then continued to do it after
being told, first nicely then firmly, that his behavior was unacceptable?
Or if he spit in your face or hit you everytime he passed by (this is
usually after I've asked him not to jump off the back of the sofa or lock
the door while people are outside getting the mail).  He's not like this
all the time, but when he doesn't get his way, look out!  His mother often
tells him not to do something 1-3 times and then just lets it go.  So, he
never listens because he seems to get his way at least half the time.  I am
not his mother and I don't want to interfere in his upbringing, but should
I point out to his mother that she needs to be more consistent or just keep
my mouth shut?  This is becoming a real problem because we are starting to
limit our time spent with these people because of their child. 


Barb

Oy!  Sounds like this kid is really trying to get somebody's attention!

My personal philosophy is that if the child is doing something that affects
you directly, then it is OK to directly deal with the child rather than
wait or ask for the parent to - especially if you know the parent won't.

If the child is visiting in your home, then you might tell the child
something along the lines of "In this house we do not jump on furniture. If
you cannot behave, then you will have to [wait in that corner/sit in this
chair/sit on the floor/whatever] until [it is time for you to go/you decide
to change your behavior/for 10 minites, etc]. With hitting, spitting 
and the like, I think you need to be very immediate and direct, and explain
the child that it is NOT OK.  I would use a controlled but decidedly
stern and louder-than-normal voice: "STOP IT! DON'T SPIT ON ME!!!!!" You
might then either ask the parent, or you yourself, put the child in
time-out or otherwise remove him from the situation.  

You could also explain to the parents that their friendship is important to
you, but that their child's behavior is very upsetting to you and that you
need for them to keep their kids under control and prevent them from
hurting you and others.

You could explain some basic premises of discipline: setting limits and
expectations, following through, positive reinforcement etc.  Kids can be
expected to test boundaries, and to go bonkers when there are none.  And
kids that act out alot are generally trying to any kind of attention they
can ("If I can't get attention for being good, I'll surely get it for being
bad").

I understand that these are your friends, but are you willing to be pinched
and spit on in order to spend time with them?  I personally avoid spending
time with children  who cause me alot of stress.  I visit with the
parents without the kids.

~Caryn

    Are you sure you wern't talking about my child here???  8-) !!
    
    No he's not quite that bad, in fact if I really listened to people he
    is, aparently not as badly behaved as I see him.  People keep telling
    me that he's not the monster I make him out to be.  In that sense, I
    have simply stopped taking AJ with me if I think he will be out of
    control.  Some people I haven't seen in months, others have had
    extremely short visits due to his behavior.
    
    On the other extreme I have a niece from one set of sister&Brother
    inlaw, and a nephew from my husband's brother, who are pure H*LL on
    wheels!  The nephew spent a few days here and there at our home over
    last summer.  Since the parents weren't there, I simply stopped him,
    sat him down and used a very firm "WE DON"t DO that in this home, and I
    expect you to comply with OUR house rules.  He spent a lot of time in a
    time out chair on the deck watching the other kids play.
    
    I am not above turning to my sister inlaw and simply asking her to
    "please control your child" telling the mother that *her daughter* is
    doing such and such, and it is NOT allowed in our home.
    
    Wasn't there a note in the last version of a child who was particularly
    bratty, can we resurect that?  (but I seem to remember that was a
    blended or about to be blended family)
    
    Lyn

I have also at times had problems with friends children's behavior or even the
behavior of the parents :-)  I think here our standard tactic is to avoid the
issue.  If it makes life too stressful, we simply don't see the couple that
often or see them without kids.  Certainly that is the case with our neighbors.
Not that their children are misbehaved, it is rather the contrary, no one elses
children are well enough behaved for them to have anything to do with anyone 
else in the neighborhood!

I think people here would consider it interfering if someone either said 
something or tried to discipline someone elses children.  Even my husband won't
say anything to his own daughter about the behavior of her neice or her
stepdaughter that she brought around.  It became obvious to her, however, that
if she couldn't control the children, it was better to leave them behind in the
interest of a good relation with her father.

ccb

    Linda Daoust
    dtn 297-5157
    
    Looking for the following:
    Double stroller
    child's table and chair set
    art easel
    Child's bed that is in the shape of a car.