Conference moira::parenting

    It's not foolproof, for one thing. I was just talking to a father the
    other day who's wife had amnio, confirmed a girl, and ended up having a
    boy (after buying EVERYTHING in pink!)
    
    Personally, I think it's more fun to be surprised. Once you know the
    sex, there's less to look forward to. Good luck with your decision.
    
    Mike

    Another "pro" I just thought of! (this might be the deciding factor)...
    we can make advance plans for the baby's bris (Jewish circumcision
    ceremony) or girl's baby naming without running around like crazy the
    first week!

    re: .1
    
    An amnio?  Are you sure?  I think it must have been an ultrasound.
    
    Amnio's check the chromosones and are conclusive.

    When I was young, I liked to stick my fingers in the wrapping paper 
    and pull the paper up, hoping to get a peek at the present inside.
    If the paper happened to tear a little, even better.  I got pretty
    good at it, and knew what a lot of my presents were even before I 
    unwrapped them.
    
    Then my brother started taping up the whole back of the present so it
    *had* to be a surprise.
    
    I liked his presents the best.
    
    

    re: .3
    
    Amnio's can be wrong.....
    
    If it says it is a boy... it will be 100% correct!
    
    If it says it's a girl.. it could be wrong, because they may be seeing
    the mothers chromosones, instead of the baby's....
    
    It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen!!
    
    A friend has had 3.... all 3 children were boys.... with the last she
    aske if it could ever be wrong (she really wanted to hear "YES",
    because they wanted a girl)... and the above is what she was told!

    We had an ultrasound when I was 4.5 months pregnant and found
    out I was having a boy.   I'm glad we found out early and it
    was still a "surprise" to find out at 4.5 months as it would
    be at 9 months.
    
    Next time, I'd still try to find out early, but would keep
    our name choices secret from family and friends until the birth.
    
    Linda

    I knew ahead with both my boys.  I look at it this way -
    I got 2 surprises each time.  One when I found out the sex and another 
    when I saw him for the first time.
    
    No regrets!
    TT

    I had an amnio with my second and wanted to know the sex early.  We
    were in the process of buying "big boy" furniture for my son and wanted
    to know if bunk beds were in our future.  Also it allowed us to be
    better prepared.  It was still a surprise, just a little earlier than
    at birth.  It turned out to be good decision for us. Especially since
    we already had a boy and knew early that we were going to have a girl.
    

    Regarding an earlier statement:
    
    If the amnio can be questionable if it indicates a girl, because it
    might be based on the mother's chromosomes, then doesn't this
    invalidate the entire amnio?  Can this happen?
    
    L
    

    I wanted to know.  Bill didn't.  I assumed I was having a boy.  We had
    a girl.  I was utterly delighted with my surprise.
    
    I'd like to know for a subsequent child, but Bill says no.  We'll see
    when we get there.
    
    RE:  bris versus baby naming.  We figured that since my parents would
    be in town for the birth anyway to help us out, we'd have the same
    party either way.  Just the day might vary.  As usual, we lined up the
    mohel (man who does the circumcision) but just let him know we had a
    girl.  No problem.
    
    Last week 2 families had their baby namings in synagogue.  Both girls
    are several months old.  If you KNOW it will be a girl, you can buy a
    few months' time to plan a party if you want to wait.  It is traditional
    to have the girl named on the first Shabbes after her 8th day.  That's
    what we did.
    
    Knowing the sex wouldn't be a factor in planning the bris vs. baby
    naming for us.  Same party either way.
    
    L 

    Why not?  You will get the surprise either way, just a matter of
    time.  With my first, I had no ultrasound, no amino.  Although
    I would like to know.  With my second, I had 3 ultrasounds, the
    perdictions were girl, boy and don't know.  That didn't help
    at all.  Both times, I really wanted to know up front, but ended
    up getting surprises at births.
    
    Wendy

    re: .9
    
    In a word, yes.  It's very rare, but it can happen.  
    
    You can get a false "boy" reading if your daughter happens to be
    XXY (I think that's the combination).  Girls with this combination
    generally grow up to be normal females but will never be able to
    participate in the Olympics because they'll fail the chromosonal
    sex test. 
    
    --bonnie 

    I found out with my first child which is AJ my son.  This time with
    only 12 weeks to go I still do not know and having a lot of fun with
    it.  My family and friend have a pool going on what it might be as with
    the last they new.  With AJ my husband ask what the sex was and before
    I could say I don't want to know the nurse had a clear shot and told us.  
    Now with the ultrasound it could be wrong, with an Amino it is a little 
    close but you never know till the birth.  As with AJ on my last push I
    said its a girl right.
    
    angela

    I had an amnio and decided not to know the sex of our baby.  I could
    only stand it about a month, and at my next appointment, asked.  It's a
    girl!  I'm hoping it's right, because I'm decorating her room with
    white eyelet and yellow calico...I was told that there would be no
    mistaking the sex, since that's what they base the other tests on.  Oh
    great, another thing to worry about!! :-)
    
    I finally broke down and asked because I couldn't stand knowing that
    someone else knew more about my baby than I did!  I'm not sorry I found
    out, and plan to ask about the second child as soon as the results are
    in because we're hoping for a boy next time!   15 more weeks til my due
    date!
    
    Jennifer
    

    Deb, 
    
    Another good reason to find out: I WANT TO KNOW!!!
    
    (well, you asked for good reasons!)
    
    Cyn

    Our experience:  We did not want to know in advance with our first
    child, and were pleasantly surprised with a girl. 
    
    This time (I'm 6 months along) I wanted to know but my husband didn't. 
    I finally convinced him, and we're expecting another girl.
    
    My reasons include those listed in the basenote, but also I was a
    little worried that my husband might be disappointed if he was
    expecting a boy and we had another girl.  Turns out he's thrilled, and
    we're both more relaxed as a result. We know what our family will be.
    It's giving us plenty of time to think about her, and she will still be a
    surprise in many ways.  What will she look like - will she be easy or
    colicy or brown haired, etc.
    
    I would still keep the first a surprise, but after that take advantage
    of the information available.  Now I can decorate her room and really
    enjoy making it special for "her". Names are easier, clothes,
    anticipated sibling relationships, etc.  It just helps to know.
    
    Mary
    

    I think wanting to know can be determined from other parts of your
    life.  I plan *everything.*  I like setting my expectations.  I don't
    respond well to surprises.  (What a great time I'm having at DEC these
    days!)  
    
    I wanted to know the sex of our baby, but there was no reason for me to
    find out what the sex of my baby was.  No amnio was needed, and the
    ultrasound was done early to determine the fetal age for the AFP test 
    (too early for sex determination).
    
    If all goes according to plan (ha!), our next child will be born after
    I'm 35 and I'll get an amnio.  We'll want to know the sex of that
    child.
    
    That said, has anyone noticed how judgemental people are about this
    issue?  While I was pregnant I was asked many times if I knew the baby's
    sex.  When I said no, I heard a lot of, "Good, that's the way it should
    be."
    
    I think knowing the sex is a personal decision for each couple to make. 
    It does not affect my life one bit what another couple decides.  I
    never did understand why people had such an intense reaction to *me*
    knowing the sex of my own baby.  Most of those responses were from
    older women, so perhaps it was their own reaction to our changing
    technology changing this tradition of childbearing.
    
    judy

    
    Judy,
    
    	No doubt these are the very same older women who look at your
    swollen ringless fingers in your last few months and cluck at how
    unfortunate it is that so many unmarried women are having babies these
    days.
    
    
    			like water on a duck,
    
    				Wendy

We're due for our first in March - we had an ultrasound at 8 weeks (much too 
early to tell) but when the next one comes up Im going to want to know.  Im 
actually very excited about finding out -- can't wait!

re: people's reactions. Im also very disappointed in some women's attitudes 
toward those women who breastfeed.  My sister did and Ive never seen her treated
so badly by other women!!!

Maureen

    I wanted to know the sex of our baby, for most of the stated reasons. 
    I had an ultrasound done at 7 months (they were checking for two!) and
    they got a real good shot of his plumbing.  Now, there was very little
    doubt as to what I was having.  But....I still painted Russell's room
    yellow, and I could not make myself stitch his name on the sampler I
    made until after he was born.  Just in case.
    
    Re:.19 Peoples reactions - You can't win no matter what you choose. 
    You had to see all the dirty looks I got when I told people I *wasn't*
    breastfeeding.
    
    marianne

    I had 3 ultrasound while I was pregnant and every one said we were
    having a girl...I was VERY surprised when we had a boy.  
    
    Next time, I wouldn't want to know, I would rather be surprised when
    the time comes, then have my heart/mind looking forward to one thing
    and have something else happen.  If they are wrong, I feel, it takes
    away from the moment.
    
    I love my son so very much, but at the time I had 3 months of thinking
    of a girl and was very disappointed when they were wrong.
    
    The funny thing was that even through 3 ultrasounds, my husband kept
    telling me it was going to be a boy.  I kept telling him that 3
    ultrsounds couldn't be wrong.
    
    Kathy

    I had an amnio for my second and my husband and I chose not to find out
    the sex. But my older sister was dying to know. I felt like another
    noter who didn't like having the Dr and nurses know so much about my
    baby. So to find out without finding out, I had the Dr. write the sex
    on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope, then I mailed it to my
    sister with instructions not to tell. She sent me a package to be
    opened in the hospital with baby announcements, gender specific
    clothing, etc. It was great fun opening all her surprises the next day
    and my husband didn't have to rush out to buy "It's a girl" cigars.

    .22's note reminded me of a similar plan.  My husband and I had 
    wanted to know the sex of our child, but never did find out until
    the actual birth because I never needed an ultrasound.  (One was
    scheduled, but Johnathan came early so I never had it.)  In any
    case, what we had planned to do, if we did have the ultrasound, was
    not to have a nurse or technician just tell us the sex outright, in
    the hospital (clinical) envinronment.  Instead, we were going to ask 
    the nurse to write the sex down on a piece of paper, fold it, and
    give it to us to take with us.  Then we were going to go to a nice 
    restaurant, have a bottle of champagne (non-alcoholic for me, of
    course), and open the piece of paper.  This would have made finding
    out the sex a more special experience.  

    I chose to find out....I'm glad I did.
    
    My hubby wanted a boy so bad that we figured we would end up with
    a girl....so we set our minds to that and came up with a girl's
    name first.  I didn't buy anything because I knew when I was around
    20-22 weeks I would get my first ultrasound and hopefully we would
    find out for sure.
    
    Luckily my little guy was a flasher and there was no doubt.  We
    were both excited and a little disappointed because I guess we
    had talked ourselves into believing it was a girl so well, it
    surprised us and was a little let down.  But I'm glad we knew.
    It made buying so much easier, including diapers, the way to
    decorate the room, toys....etc
    
    It was a surprise whether it was at birth or during an ultrasound.
    
    Even after he was out (by c-section) I asked the dr again...is it
    a boy?  there was that little bit of .00001% doubt in the back of
    my mind.
    
    I think the most frustrating thing was that I told people what it
    was....I don't think I will do that again....If heard "well
    it's not a sure thing 'til it's born" one more time, I was going to 
    scream.  Why do people like to pop your bubble? so to speak....
    But I suppose next time they'll say "I bet you want a girl because
    you have a boy!"
    
    The other con is that if something happens to the baby, pray to
    god nothing does, it would make it harder to lose...because you
    put an identity to it right away...referring to your belly by name.
    
    It's a surprise whenever you find out it's just a matter of whether
    you like to be prepared or not...
    
    Kristen

    My husband has frequently related the conversation about the actual
    moment of birth.  (I had to be put to sleep for the Cesearian delivery, 
    my spinal wasn't working).  As the Doctor was removing AJ from me, he
    saw a look of panic on the doctor who asked my husband "what sex did I
    tell you it was?"  My husband replied "boy", to which the doctor said
    something like "whew, I thought we had said girl, congratulations you
    have a SON!"
    
    I guess he had delivered so many babies that day he was a bit confused.
    (AJ was born in a blizzard, and for some reason the C-section room was
    backed up something like 3 or more hours.  I waited from 1pm and AJ was
    born at 4:45pm).
    
    When I got the results of the amnio, the sex wasn't the issue.  But
    what acutally happened was very interesting.  The results wern't back
    from the lab at the beginning of my routing apointment with the doctor. 
    While I was in with the doctor his nurse called for the results, and as
    I was leaving she asked if I wanted the results.  I told her if it was
    normal she could tell me, if it wasn't I wanted to talk to the doctor. 
    She seemed to beam as she announce "it's a healty male" in a way that
    was just like I had just delivered that "healthy male".  I immediately
    ran ( I mean ran) to the phone in the hallway of the doctors' building
    to call my husband.  Wouldn't you know, there was a salesman doing a
    long winded sales pitch on the phone.  I made a couple moaning sounds,
    shuffled my feet and pretty soon he noticed me, apologized and hung up. 
    When I got the my husband's secretary I insist he be pulled out of the
    meeting so I could tell him myself.  "Yes, I insisted to her, it WAS
    important enough to pull him out"  and proceeded to tell him he had a
    "healthy male" son on the way.  I was shaking, almost crying with joy
    as I told him the news.
    
    Lyn

    I was wondering how many of you were told the sex of your baby by the
    rate of the heartbeat? My doctor has made a prediction of a girl for me
    because my baby's heartbeat was 160, but people have told me these
    predictions aren't accurate. After he told me this I was so excited
    about the baby being a girl that I am considering having it confirmed
    at my next visit, but still feel like I should wait till the day of the
    birth since my husband doesn't want to know and I KNOW I won't be able
    to keep it a secret if I find out!!
    
    Deb

    I was told continuously (by nurses and other folks, but never my
    doctor) that I was going to have a girl, due to the high (160s) heart
    rate.  I asked my doctor, and he indicated that girls do tend to have
    higher heart rates than boys, but that it was certainly not conclusive.
    Based upon hearing this from so many people, and the fact that it wouldn't
    surprise me that there would be a physiological difference between the
    sexes, I had a feeling that I would be having a girl.
    
    On my delivery day, when I was hooked up to the fetal monitor, the
    baby's heart rate was fluctuating between 135 and 145 (140 is right in
    the middle between a "boy heart rate" and a "girl heart rate."  So, all
    bets were off.
    
    And, what did I have?
    
    
    
    A boy!
    
    So, you really can't tell ...
    
    Leslie

    I was told by the heart rate that I was going to have a girl.  I was
    told a boy as a result of ultrasound.  I had a boy.
    
    Lori B.

    We couldn't tell by heartrate either.  I had already found out
    by ultrasound at 4.5 months along that I was having a boy.
    
    Then during one of my weekly visits toward the end of my pregnancy
    the doctor (not my primary Dr.) listened to the heartbeat and told me
    "Sounds like a Girl!"  I almost decked him!
    
    We had a boy.
    
    My sister in law was told the heartbeat sounded like a boy all
    throughout her pregnancy.  She was CONVINCED she was having a boy.
    My neice Tiffany had a nice little collection of Patriots, Bruins
    and Red Sox outfits by the time she was born.  8-)
    
    Linda

    
    We chose not to find out the sex of our baby until the actual birth.
    A decision I actually suprised myself with. Before I got pregnant I 
    always gave my friends who "didn't" want to find out a hard time,
    saying, "why not? when I get pregnant, I'm goig to find out!". Thinking
    it would be easier for decorating, clothes etc..  But when it came time
    for my ultrasound, we changed our minds.  I think my reasoning was
    this. My husband and I wanted a boy really bad (a healthy child
    actually was what REALLY mattered..but...you know what I mean). But 
    I pretty much convinced myself that it would be a girl, just "knowing
    my luck". I knew I would be happy either way at the time of the actual
    birth,  but I think if I knew it was a girl ahead of time I would of
    had time to be disappointed, seeing how much we were hoping it was a
    boy.  I remember saying to my husband "I'd like to find out if its a
    boy, but if its a girl, I'd rather wait to know".  Well, you can't have
    both...so we opted out. 
    
    When we went in for the ultrasound we told the tech we didn't want to
    know. After it was done, we asked if she had been able to tell. She
    said "yes". It felt so weird knowing that SOMEONE knew the sex. All the
    way home, I kept changing my mind and thinking of calling the tech when
    we got home and tell her we wanted to know after all. It was funny.
    
    I'll never forget when the baby was born, hearing the nurses say 
    "7:20, 7:20"...(the time)...I thought to myself "who cares what time it
    is, WHAT IS IT??!!"   they finally said "its a boy!". 
    
    	Chris
    

When we had the twins, I did not want to know the sexes, but my husband
did.  He says that at the last ultrasound the day before I delivered, he
could see that one was a boy.  Since I didn't want to know, the tech asked
me not to look at the screen in case one of the kids decided to flash us
and make it perfectly clear what we were having.

I figured that we would find out soon enough when they were born, and didn't
want to know in case they were wrong.  I know people that have been told
one  sex and had the other, and I didn't want to go all that way and be
disappointed in what we had.  It didn't seem fair to me or the babies
to feel like that, so I figured we'd wait.

I did managed to convince myself that I was carrying 2 boys, so when I
delivered Jessica naturally, and they told me it was a girl, I was positively
thrilled.  And when I woke up after the C-section for Brad, I never asked
if he was a boy or girl because I just knew it would be a boy.  

If we have another baby, I would still choose to wait til the delivery to
find out.

    With my first pregnancy I did not know the sex of the child
    until that fateful day that I went into the hospital to see my
    doctor, as I had complained to her that I could not feel the baby move. 
    It was the rush ultrasound she got me into, that revealed both 
    the lack of heart beat and the sex of the child, a boy at 33 weeks.
    So, with the next pregnancy, we decided we really did want to know
    the sex of the child. When people asked me why, I told them this:
    At the birth of the child there will be the incredible joy of knowing
    this baby is alive and well (and it was just that!) and the sex will
    almost be a side issue at that point. Why not have a little extra 
    happiness before that and savour the knowing of the child's sex.
    As well, when we did find out (at 28 weeks) it was an amazing
    experience. We felt so much closer to the child - the reality of 
    the baby was much less a concept and much more vivid.
    That day we both hugged one another and cried.
    
    

    
    
    I had 4 ultrasounds, the first 2 we really wanted to know, but the
    baby had it's legs closed and crossed at the ankles, the 3 one was
    right before my due date, an d the 4th one was at 1 1/2 weeks late
    so it was 3 days before I was scheduled to be induced, so at that 
    point we decided to wait, but with the next if we can find out I
    would.
    
    Lisa

I think I started this topic in an earlier version of this file about
5 years ago when we were expecting our second. Since it was a scheduled
C-section, we elected not to be told.  We already knew the date and time,
we wanted something to be a surprise.  

Frank

I don't want to know.  Not only that, I don't want the midwife to tell me (none
of this "It's a boy!" stuff for me).  My ideal is to check the kid out later
in my room with only my husband there.  I don't want to share *all* of the birth
with the midwife.  He and I will be raising the kid and there should be some
special times that are just ours.

I had amnio because of my age, and so the records were there.

With our first child, the midwife was very respectful of my wish and made sure
the attending pediatrician and labor nurses kept their mouth shut about it.
But my husband couldn't stand it, looked, and then blurted it out.  Oh well.
Her birth was a big moment for him, too.

This time, I had amnio again, but again don't want to know.

As far as people judging - I don't like being asked if I know what sex it is.
Suppose I know, but don't want to advertise it.  (Want the thrill of telling
people when s/he's born).  I'm not a very good liar, and so what do I say?  That
I don't know? That I know but I'm not telling?  That will certainly offend
someone.  (Yes, I know, they don't have any particular right to know and if 
they're offended, too bad. But you know how hormones mess with a pregnant woman's
mind.)

Suppose I tell them what the sex is - the very next question will be "is that
what you wanted?"  I would have a hard time being polite about *that* question.

So, I prefer not to know.

Pat

    I got to say "It's a girl" for this last one. I had originally wanted
    to be the one to deliver the lower half so to speak but she came a
    little to fast for me to think clearly and let my feelings known to the
    OB on duty. I had a total of 1.25 hour of labor and delivery and was
    only in the hospital 3 minutes before Carolyn was born. When I got
    there, the nurses were telling me not to push, so with the next
    contraction when they told me to push, the Dr. told my husband to help
    me sit up so I could see the delivery and so I made the announcement.
    
    My first had some respiratory problems at birth, the OB handed her
    right to the pediatrician. After a while it dawned on me I didn't know
    the sex and had to ask the nurse.

    My husband, Tony, and I wanted to know the sex of the babies before they 
    were born. We thought it would ease preparations and also our
    curiousity.
    
    Despite having ultasound scans every other week from 26 weeks the sexes 
    were unclear. The closest we got to finding out their sexes was "the 
    bottom one may be a girl but the other has its legs together!"
    
    On that basis we chose names for all combinations, and avoided colour
    coded purchases.
    
    They were right about the girl and the coy one (legs together) is a
    boy.
    
    Judith.
    

    
    We found out with amnio but didn't let anyone know because
    I plan on having another child and didn't want to get 
    all pink stuff for my shower... in case #2 is a boy.
    Besides I like green.....;-)
    

    re .38
    
    thanks makes alot of sense!! (colors!)  My neice had an ultrasound
    and was told she was having a girl, got all PINK clothes for her shower
    and ended up having a boy...luckily she could return some of them!
    
    I like your thinking...
    
    Chris