Conference moira::parenting

    
    Dear Basenoter,
    
    I am extremely sorry about your loss.  I have not experienced this
    pain, and I hope not to.  But, a very close friend of mine did.
    She lost her baby boy 3 years ago, and now has a 16 month old girl.
    She went through alot.  Her baby died when she was 9 months pregnant.
    She had to deliver it, and never got to see him or hold him.
    She waited a little while, but wanted to try again and with the help
    of her family and friends, had the courage to try again,  and
    succeed.  She is now due for another one in March!!!
    
    Good luck on whatever you decide!  
    
    

    Leslie,
    
    I too am sorry about your loss.  The second child will never replace
    the first child, but you will love the child as much as you did the
    first.
    
    Best Wishes,
    
    Mike

    I applaud your courage in entering this note.  
    
    In a way, I think I would proceed with my "original" plans.  In
    other words, if I'd always wanted 2 kids, then I would go ahead
    with another pregnancy, assuming that my spouse/SO was OK with
    that decision, too.  It sounds like you've taken a lot of time
    to grieve and reconcile yourself to your loss, so if you feel
    that you can embark on another pregnancy, then do so.  
    
    I think it's inevitable that you will find yourself comparing
    your second child with your first one, at least once in a while.
    Thank God, my kids are both alive and well, and from time to
    time I find myself comparing their development -- not in a negative
    way, but in the sense of, one did this earlier/later than the other.
    To sort of track their progress, so to speak.  But I can tell you
    that your next child(ren) will be as unique as the first one was.
    You will love them for themselves, and cherish the qualities that
    make them so individual.  
    
    Good luck in whatever you decide.
    
    In thought,
    Kate
    
    
    

    
    
    Comments from Basenoter:
    
    Please understand that I am presently pregnant with my second child,
    (Due in the latter part of November).   So I have already made the
    decision.  But I need to know from those of experience, how did they
    adjust to the new child.
    
    
    Leslie

    Leslie, 
    
    How are you doing these days?
    
    I found I was extremely nervous that "somethign would go wrong" during
    my pregnancy with AJ.  Consider that Stacy died in utero, I had
    millions of reasons to believe the same thing would happen again.  Then
    when he was born I think I "hovered" over him while he slept, being
    afraid he would become a SIDS statistic.  Everytime the doctor ordered
    any kind of just routine test I simply go into a panic.  I keep
    thinking that something terrible might be found.  In a nutshell I seem
    to be probably, a little more protective of him.  I guess I can't count
    how many times I told people, this is MY son and he WILL get the best!
    Or this is MY child, and you will have to deal with ME when you think
    of him.  (did someone forget to remind me they cut the cord 5-1/2 years
    ago?!?!)  Funny thing, I feel his pain, shortcomings and emotions probably 
    as much as he does.
    
    Leslie call me off line, let's chat
    Lyn
    244-6677

    My sister's first child, a girl, was born about 5 weeks premature, and
    died after 3 days. Devastating as it was, they both (sis and husband)
    grew closer, and did decide to have another. The one thing my sis
    wanted to avoid, is being due at the same time that Jessica had died.
    She was afraid that she couldn't have handled giving birth at the same
    time her first one had died. They had a healthy baby girl 22.5 months
    after Jessica died. They had mixed feelings about it being another
    girl, and felt it was harder in some ways (felt like a replacement),
    and easier in others (because they sort of wanted a daughter). They
    found they had a tough time not calling the second child (Jennifer) by
    her sister's name, Jessica. They still do at times, and Jennifer is now
    2.25 years old. My sister is pregnant agian, now, and due in January.
    
    Thing she found hardest was, after Jennifer was born, she would often
    encounter those well meaning strangers who would look at the baby and
    say, "Is she your first?"  Although a well-meaning and simple question,
    it caused her great anxiety. She never knew whether to say "no", thus
    opening up the possibility of having to explain to a total stranger
    that her first baby died, which would cause this person then to feel
    awful, or to say "yes", thus causing herself to feel very disloyal to
    Jessica. She never did settle on a pat way to answer, and answered each
    time as an individual case. She said, though, it was very difficult.
    
    There has been no feelings by either my sister or her husband, or by
    rest of the family, that Jennifer is a "replacement". She is her own
    person, and loved for that, and we still occasionally grieve for the
    lost of the first little life.
    
    I think you may find that once the child is born, that these things
    just sort of naturally straighten themselves out, and the concerns may
    vanish. This is what happened to my sis.
    
    --dave--

    
    I can't speak from personal experience but I have a cousin who had two
    girls after losing a boy just before her due date. I do remember one
    comment she made many years later. It was something to the effect that
    she felt the loss but that if her son had not died she would not have 
    had that particular first daughter (i.e. that unique child conceived at
    that particular time..she felt she would have waited longer between 
    pregnancies). She so loved her daughter she could not have imagined life 
    without her and she felt sad to think that she might not have had her.
    
    You never forget. You simply take the best life has to offer and
    cherish it. 
    
    How wonderful that there is a new life growing in you and that you will
    be able to live your life so full of love.
                        

    Since the topic of how to answer questions of Is this your first?  Or
    in my case many times the question is "is he your only child?"  I sort
    of play it by ear.  I ask myself do I really want to "spill my guts" to
    this relative stranger?  If I'm going to have a "polite" or distant
    relationship with the questioner I simply answer yes.  If I feel I may
    be in a longer relationship with the person, i.e. a new coworker,
    neighbor, churchgoer etc, I tell them that I HAD a daughter before him
    who was still born, but AJ is the light of my life and I love him more
    than anything in the world, and that he is special, in a matter of fact way
    (Yes, sometimes the mood may be down and I still fight a few tears with 
    these conversations).  There is nothing to be embarassed or ashamed
    for.  I too feel in many ways what happened was best.  I would never
    have had two children 20 months apart, and worse yet could never have
    coped with all of AJ's many hospitalizations with a toddler at home.  I
    just wouldn't have done justice to either child.
    
    We have not yet addressed with AJ the fact that he *has* a sister. 
    Usually visits to the cemetary are limited to my husband and I,
    sometimes my mother inlaw will come with us, since their property backs
    up to the cemetary, and there is a nice bike path through it.  Maybe in
    a couple years when he is better able to understand it.
    
    We did a trial of explaining cemetaries, and death of relatives a
    couple months ago.  We went to the place where my parents are buried
    and ended up confusing him totally.  He has no concept that he has
    another set of "grammie-grampie", but they are no longer alive.  I
    believe he left the cemtery believing that the grammie-grampie he knows
    were dead and buried in that place.  We went to visit them that night
    to reassure him they were OK.
    
    Keep up your faith, this is what has helped me in many ways.
    
    Lyn

    I would say that my experiences and feelings are very much like Lyn's.
    After Daniel (died in utero at 32 weeks, delivered a week later). I
    was "hell bent" on having a baby. Through the second pregnancy I
    was constantly on edge - some days seemed to be a replay of the
    previous pregnancy (I has pregnant from Aug 90 to March 91 with Daniel,
    and Aug 91 to May 92 with Charlotte). The first pregnancy was "text
    book" just like the second, so I was not anymore re-assured that things
    were going fine with Charlotte. I was so stressed near the end
    that the doc made me leave work 5 weeks early. 
    In the first few weeks after Charlotte was born I'd often get 
    incredibly emotional, being so overjoyed to have her yet still mourning
    for Daniel.
    I found that having Charlotte took the bitter edge off of my grief
    for Daniel - that feeling that other women succeed in having many 
    children and yet my first and only was taken away from me in what
    seemed a senseless death (a knot in the cord). 
    When I told everyone we'd be trying again last summer some said that
    another baby won't replace the first. I responded that I knew that 
    certainly, but there was two types of grief we suffer - the loss
    of Daniel (something that can never change) and the loss of being
    a parent. That second loss was something we could possibly overcome.
    
    And just like Lyn said, I seem to have the occasional irrational
    thoughts about how easily such a delicate little being could be 
    damaged or destroyed; whether it be a SIDS death or a car accident - 
    I feel so incredibly helpless in trying to prevent anything from
    happening to her - much like I did to prevent Daniel's death. My
    husband has commented on this - I'm just going to have to accept
    this day to day (moment to moment) feeling of helplessness. I also
    feel sure that this is a direct result of having lost the first -
    I would have been much more confident in the survivabiliy of a 
    baby into adulthood had not something so trivial as an umbilical
    knot not occurred.                       
    
    Monica

    Even though I've never suffered such a loss, I am well aware how
    fragile our lives are.  I felt invulnerable before the birth of my
    daughter, then I realized how much we need each other and how easily we
    might be parted.
    
    When I think about this now, I can only pray for our wellbeing and
    trust that we will be taken care of by a higher power.
    
    AND I use seatbelts and check my tires and brakes. -;)
    
    L