Conference moira::parenting

    Interesting question ...
    
    I am glad we had our last when I was 36 ... I really would not
    have wanted to have any later than that ... My physical body is often
    telling me now more than even a few years ago that I cannot keep
    up with my 11 / 8 / 4 year olds.  Jane is 18 month older than me
    and certainly feels the same.  We very nearly didn't have a 3rd.
    and that would have been ok too.
    
    Jane had to have a C/Section for each child, so it was easier to
    decide that enough was enough ... risking major surgery for each
    child is not something you want to submit yourself to very readily.
    
    We also didn't want the risk of continuing to raise children when
    we retire ... so we can hopefully do the travelling we both love.
    Also, the later you have children, the increase in risk that you may
    not be around, or physically able to enjoy grandchildren.
    
    Stuart

    Well, when I do I'll let you know.  Seriously, we have two boys now 7
    and 5 both starting school this year (one in K, the other in 1st) and
    we still don't know if we want to stop or try for the elusive female
    gender.  Some days I do, some I don't.  I enjoy having the kids old
    enough to be in school and have friends to play with and be able to run
    off to the neighbors house (and leave me alone for a few hours).  I
    also miss cuddling an infant and having a daughter (and being at home
    with a good reason).  I am 35, my husband 41.  Age hasn't been too much
    of a consideration yet.
    
    -sandy
    

    I had two boys a year apart and then waited four years before having
    another one.  I always knew that I wanted another child.  Whenever I
    saw a baby, I had baby hunger.
    
    Now that I have three (8.5, 7.5, and 3), I can honestly say--THAT'S IT.
    I'M DONE.  When I see a baby, I still get all mushy, but I'm very 
    happy to hand it *back*.
    
    Pam
    
    (Never got the elusive girl baby.  So I buy pink outfits for all my
    friends who have girls.  :-) )

Interesting topic.  

1. We BOTH wanted more than one child (strongly).

2. We BOTH wanted a boy and a girl (strongly).

3. My wife wanted more than two (less strongly than points 1 & 2).

4. I didn't want more than two (less strongly than points 1 & 2; points 3
   and 4 conflict).

5. We wanted to be able to provide them with a reasonable amount of 
   our time, and material comforts (this conflicts with point 3).

6. My wife did not want to work forever [I didn't either, but . . .] (this 
   conflicts with points 3 & 5).

So when we achieved points 1 & 2, our strong desires had been met, our 
remainging desires were less strongly held, and started to conflict.  That's 
when we quit.

Clay

    We luckily have both a boy and a girl, so I don't know if I'd feel
    differently if we had two of the same sex. But the minute my daughter
    was born I knew I had finished childbearing - and my husband feels 
    very happy with two. My pregnancies were not wonderful (although it
    sure is fun to have a baby in the house...). Our family resources are
    just about maxed out now. On top of that, I feel that overpopulation is
    reducing the quality of life for future generations, and having more
    than two kids would not feel right for me.  So a combination of factors
    gave us the answer. 
    
    Lucy

    Before you stop having kids because of "overpopulation", may I make a
    note here. I urge you to look this up in a good, current encyclopedia
    or almanac or atlas, or whatever. It is is true and it is correct. 
    
    If you were to allot *1000 square feet* of living space for **every**
    man, woman and child, from newborn right up to the 100+ yr. olds, they
    would all fit nicely into an area the size of Kansas and Nebraska, plus
    a 9 mile wide strip at the bottom of South Dakota. The rest of the
    earth would be empty of people. 
    
    Our earth is *****NOT***** overpopulated, although it is certainly true
    that some areas are. But *the earth* is NOT!!!
    
    Check it out yourself.
    
    If you feel it's right, stop having kids whenever you want, but,
    please, lets not make folks with big families who haven't got the facts
    feel bad about adding to a non-existent population problem!
    
    --dave--
    (who probably just opened up a big can of worms, but can't help it...)

    Age is our biggest concern!  I am 32, my husband is 40.  We
    just cann't keep up with the kids physically.  Finance is
    also a concern.  But if we were in our 20's, we will definitely
    have more kids even we may not be able to afford it.  Luckily,
    we have a boy and a girl.  This gives us a perfect excuse to
    stop right now.
    
    Wendy 

    re .6
    
    Dave, the earth is not overpopulated, but in general terms the support
    systems in place in the developed world in many places are straining
    and in teh undeveloped world burst long ago ...   We of the earth
    need time to restore these support systems to cope with increased
    population, and I suspect it will take a generation or two before
    we can really support much additional population.
    
    (Support systems include ecosystems, food supply and social systems)
    
    So, in that sense, the earth IS currently overpopulated.
    
    Stuart

    Clay, your situation sounds just like ours, except, we haven't had
    our second yet. 
    I think now that I have Charlotte, I wouldn't mind one or two more
    (don't tell Alan, I have a secret wish for twins!) However, I'd also
    like the luxury of spending more time with more kids too. And that 
    would be very difficult to achieve. 
    I'm 33 and Alan is 2.5 years younger. I think we will try and have one
    more in a year or two.
    
    Monica

    After a very long and excruciating labor with identical twins, I
    decided that's all I could possibly handle.  Besides, there is a good
    possibility that if were to get pregnant again it could be with
    triplets! *YICKS*  
    

    I am, personally, not ready to call it quits.  But an interesting
    occurance last night at home... I was sorting through my newborn and
    premie things for a coworker, and sort of got all mushy over the
    thought of another.  Well needless to say I tried the old "honey
    looook!!" routine.  Hubby said NO in no uncertain terms.  His reasoning
    is that he feels emotionally he couldn't handle another difficult
    pregnancy and delivery.  I guess realistically I have to agree with
    him.  After a full term still birth, AJ's difficult start, and almost
    loosing him too inutero, and three early miscarriages since him, not to
    mention I'm over 40, and hubby is rapidly approaching 40, it really IS
    time to call it quits.
    
    Plus there's the positive side, AJ is now 5 and totally mobil.  We can
    finally, again, go someplace without packing a diaper bag, worrying
    about carrying food, he can dress himself not to mention usually pick
    out a fairly coordinated outfit, he's become quite the little person,
    and definitely not a dependant infant.
    
    I guess we'll have to call AJ "quits", which is what my mother kept
    telling me I was!
    
    Lyn

when (as it relates to a previous note), the gap between the last
one and the possible next one seemed too big.  That is, since
we felt that 3-3.5 years is the maximum gap between kids, for us, when 
Maggie was 2.5, we said, "now or never", and decided we were done.  If 
both kids had been of one sex, we more likely would have gone for a third.
I was also concerned that if our third child were also a girl, that Robbie
would end up as sort of an odd-man-out, with two pesky little sisters.
We also had two healthy, intelligent children, and decided to "quit
while we were ahead".  This may sound selfish, but we were not sure
we could handle a child that might have special needs.  

This, like the age-spacing question, is a purely personal choice, and, to
some extent, may be beyond your control, so in the end, you have to do
what you think is right.

Frank

    
    We're going through this right now. We have similar concerns to Lyn in
    .11. I'd like another child so Patrick has a sibling to play with. My
    wife is concerned about having another child with hearing problems, so
    we're going through genetic testing. If it comes up positive, then she
    won't want another, although I wouldn't mind. If it comes up negative,
    then she may want to wait until Patrick is in preschool (another 1.5
    years). Personally I'd like to have another child soon, and then fix
    things for the future 8^). My wife is an only child, and has a hard
    time understanding my relationship with my brother and sister. I would
    like Patrick to experience this.
    
    Chris
    

Utter exhaustion put us out of the business. We have a 9 year old girl,
2 yr old boy, and 10 month old boy. We're both 32. We thought we were
all set after one and then decided we really didn't want her to be alone
in her life (who will take care of us when we get old ;^) ! Plus, we felt
very fortunate. We have a lot of interests and were financially ok and 
thought we could give alot to another child. Michelle was about 4 when we 
finally "committed".

We hadn't planned on such a large (or small) spacing between kids. There was an
ectopic along the way and an infertility workup - it was like the  search for
the holy grail. When Sam was born, we were ecstatic. Resource planning seemed to
work well in terms of everyone's time and money (Michelle was in school). Then
surprise, Benjamin followed. 

This crippled us... We grew out of everything - our house, our cars, our budget.
Childcare has been unbelievable! We have since moved into a bigger house
(although not much more expensive because it "needs work"). We've  already been
through a couple of sitters and are now opening our home to  a European au pair;
hopefully this will help the scheduling nightmares we have right now. Both Andre
and I have  relatively new jobs and feel doubly stressed about contributing
strongly at work. I feel tremendously guilty about not being able to  spend
special time with my older daughter because the boys need so much "maintenance".
OK, I'm really cranky too...

Bottom line though: We love them all... And now that we have a bigger space
just custom designed for kids (previous owner had seven and everyone fit
just nicely with lots of play space).... I'd almost consider it again. But,
I'd have to quit and we would have to move to Idaho.. So, we've decided
we're out of the business permanantly...


Anne

    I'm due with my first in 10 weeks or so, and am already thinking about
    whether (well, really I'm thinking about WHEN) I want a second one.  My
    husband says to wait and see how the first turns out (like, college
    age)!  Unfortunately, we're starting late -- I'm 36 and Dick's 42 -- so
    I would like to start trying for another next Sept.  I grew up with 3
    brothers, and loved having siblings -- we're still close.  Dick has 2
    sisters and a brother, and we agree that having an only child may not
    be a good idea (we've seen examples of only children as adults, and
    we're not always impressed!).
    
    Some interesting info here to think about!
    
    Jen 

    I've been thinking about this topic alot lately.  My girl's are 4 and 
    10 mos.  I had always wanted 1 to 2 children and my husband wanted 4-5.
    Now we are reversed. I want more, he doesn't.  
    
    I guess my question is "Why do I want more?"   I have been trying to
    analyze my baby hunger and I can find no valid reason for wanted more
    children.  Actually my mind says "No more children" but my heart wants
    more.  Can anyone explain to me why "Baby hunger" exists so strongly.
    
    We do not have room for another baby, we cannot really afford another
    baby and I really don't know if I have the energy for another baby but
    I can not imagine Not having more children.
    
    Am I alone with this feeling?
    
    Angie

    Angie,
    
    You are definitely not alone.
    
    I get those feelings too.  My kids are 4 & 2 years old.  I love
    babies.  I often say that I want to open a daycare center which
    only accepts infants.  It's sad that they grow up so fast.  My
    solution to my babyhunger is to babysit friend's baby.  Most of
    my friends are glad to accept the offer.  And I get to spend
    few hours with a baby and still keep my sanity.
    
    Wendy

    It's biology. . .
    
    --bonnie