Conference moira::parenting

    Isn't James close to 4? Ryan just turned 4, and has recently begun
    saying which things he will not watch because they scare him - 101
    Dalmations, for one. When I asked why, he said the old lady who tries
    to steal the puppies is bad, and scary. So, we just put it away.
    
    Perhaps rather than ask what scares him, try asking James to say what
    he doesn't like about the show, or ask him if he can draw a picture of
    the part that scares him.
    

    Tell me this is just a phase which will pass ... Kyla is afraid of
    every noise she hears.  It could be a motorcycle, airplane, lawnmower
    etc.  This behavior started about two weeks ago, I don't know if it
    is coincidental but this is also when she began wearing glasses (she
    turned 3 on Sunday).  When she gets home from daycare all she wants
    to do is go see the kids in the neighborhood, last night when we got 
    outside a plane was flying overhead so she ran back inside and did not 
    even want to visit with her friends.  The teacher at daycare said Kyla
    cried almost all day long whenever she heard a loud noise.  Help !
    Has anyone else gone through this ?
    

    
    My daughter is currently leaving this phase (I hope I'm not jinxing
    myself).  Courtenay is 2 years 5 months.  Sometimes low flying air
    craft come by the house, these are on their way to a US Air Force base,
    so the 'types' of aircraft are very nasty looking. 
    
    We are very lucky to have had the opportunity to visit a National Guard
    camp and extremely lucky to have had the opportunity to have her sit in
    an Army helicopter.  A very large one.  She was very impressed and
    wanted to keep going back to it.  Since then (only this passed
    weekend) I've noticed a big difference in her attitude.  She still
    mentions the noise and describes it to me, but she doesn't run between 
    my legs or cling as tightly.  She still gets surprised when they appear
    suddenly but I think it helped.
    
    Other things I'm doing is telling her it is ok to be afraid. That the
    noise is loud and that it is startling (surprising or some other word
    that doesn't reference fear).  I don't call her a 'scared cat' or things
    like that.  She reacts well to this type of response.  Other things
    that might help is having a close friend of hers over when the planes
    go by.  She may learn from the other childs response.
    
    I can only say, keep trying.  It will pass.  Courtenay is changing
    daily.
    
    Rose Marie
                                                         

    
    Andrew is going to be three on Monday.  He's been in this phase since,
    probably, last winter.  I noticed that if he gets to "know" what is
    making the noise, then it takes an considerable amount of fear away 
    from the noise.  He hated lawn mowers  -  until he got to be near one
    (it wasn't running).  Since he got to know the mower, it scared him
    less than when he didn't know it at all.  Same with planes and
    helicopters.  Once he's been able to see them close up, the fascination
    with the equipment eliminates most of the fear.  Would it help to give
    your daughter a clue as to when she's most likely to hear/see the
    planes?  For instance, time of day?  So she can be prepared?  I realize
    that you can't prepare them for all the noises, but making a dent
    helps.
    
    There are still things that we're working on, like thunder, but I
    think I've got that one down now.  
    
    He's less inclined now to hold his ears and cry.  Now he'll more likely 
    say, the noise hurts my ears and walk away.
    
    Their environment holds so many surprises for them, it's important
    to know where the noises are coming from, so they can identify them,
    the unknown is too scary at this age, I think.
    
    NF
    
    

    Fear of sounds/noises - Ah yes - our 3 year old is currently in that
    phase. She constantly asks me "What's that sound/noise Mommy?". She can
    even hear our neighbour shut the door of their covered deck (the sound
    is not that loud - I cannot hear it if I am not listening for it). She
    does not like the sound of planes flying overhead - you can imagine
    what her reaction is to thunderboomers. 
    
    She will start to cry at home during thunderstorms but at school she
    will just declare "I don't like that sound" and get back to whatever
    she was doing. Both my kids love to cry when Mommy is around - not sure
    what that means :-(.
    
    I hope that phase passes quickly - Oh, she is 3 years old.
    
    Shaila 

    Should I make this a personal confession?
    
    I remember being about 3.5 and whenever I heard the trash truck coming
    while outside playing, I would literally run as fast as I could and
    hide (cowereing) behind our solid cement back porch until it passed.  I
    sort of felt like it was going to somehow attack me.
    
    On the days that the trash men would come into the back yards to
    collect the actual "garbage" (food scraps etc, am I dating myself?) I
    would hide inside the house until they collected ours.  I mean we're
    talking genuine terror here!  Don't remember when or how I got over it,
    never mentioned it to my mother at all.
    
    By the way when AJ hears the weatherman mention the "possibility of
    thunderstorms" he gets real excited and asks if it's going to thunder
    tonight?  Strange kid, huh?  But then again, he fears little or
    nothing.
    
    Lyn
       

    There's a methodology used on dogs for fear of thunder that usually 
    works quite well. Just whip out the dogs' favorite toy and play and 
    pretend the thunder isn't even happening. The dog soon learns to 
    associate thunder with the happy event of playing. This may or may not 
    work for children but it's worth a try, I guess.
    
    I think that any parental negative reinforcement of loud noises (such as
    coddling and saying things like "bad noise!") is probably a bad move.
    My father-in-law was raised in a strict Catholic household. His mother
    always felt that thunderstorms were the work of satan so everytime
    there was a storm she'd run around closing the drapes, shutting off the
    lights, lighting votive candles, and insisting everyone in the house
    drop to their knees and pray. This is an extreme case, but this
    behavior led to my father-in-law's intense fear of thunderstorms -- an
    attitude which afflicts him to this day at the age of 76!
    
    Mike
                     

The suggestion in -1 has worked well for us.  During thunderstorms, Elise and I 
get the dogs to howl and we "boom" back at the thunder.  We usually end up
in hysterics....

Pat

   Good point... I have taught my 2 older girls to growl like a lion - I
   know, I know, what a crazy thing to teach them... but.. when my oldest
   (3.5) runs out of the bedroom telling us that there is a monster in
   the house, or a snake under the bed, or something like that, we always
   go right back in and growl at it until we 'scare it away'.  So far it
   seems to give her some more self control  over the fear knowing that
   she has some control over these imaginary monsters..  perhaps the same
   will work for noises as well..
   
   - Tom
   

    
    We're going through yet (I hope) another phase with our soon to be 5 yr
    old.
    
    We've been quite taken off guard with this because it seems to me that
    at 5 she should be over this sort of thing.
    
    We are know dealing with .....  FEAR OF PEOPLE (strange sorts that we
    are).
    
    FIRST INCIDENT:
    It started in the beginning of August when we went to a pool party. 
    She got all nervous and wouldn't come into the house when we arrived. 
    Shortly therafter, some other members of the family arrived and she
    still wouldn't come to the party.  We for a time ended up leaving her
    on the inside step (split level type house) and told her that if she 
    wouldn't come outside she could just sit there till the we were done. 
    Now mind you she wasn't really actually alone.  There were always people
    (she knew) inside the house.  Finally my SIL got her to come out by
    hiding her face in her neck and within 5-10 minutes she was playing and
    wanting to swim in the pool.  We thought this whole ordeal was caused
    by us because when we arrived we were early and no other family had yet
    arrived, and my husband made a comment like "Are you sure its the right 
    time, should we go in".
    
    BUT it has continued.  Now anytime we go anywhere, even to familiar 
    places, she has to ask if anyone will be there, and if so she doesn't
    want to go.
    
    NOTHING has happened that we can guess to bring this on.  It seems to
    me at 5 she should be out of this sort of phase.
    
    ANY IDEAS,  How should we deal with it ?  Now mind you every time she's
    put on a fuss about going somewhere because people would be there, she 
    has ended up having a great time, and usually doesn't want to leave.
    
    
    HELP.....   Karen
     

    My four year old son has never exactly liked having his hair washed but
    now he is petrified of it.  
    
    He's quite happy in and around water, but not having it on his head.  I 
    have tried to ask him why this is so, but he gets so frightened when we
    raise the subject that he becomes incoherent.  
    
    Can anyone advise me if this is normal and how I might help him to
    overcome the fear ?
    
    Greg.

    
    
    I don't know how you can cure it Greg, but it may help you to know that
    you're not alone. 
    
    	My 3+yr old daughter is going through the same thing. She likes the
    tub, likes to swim in my inlaws pool, but she *hates* getting her hair
    washed. She screams hysterically until we stop and take her out of the
    tub. What makes it harder is that her hair has never been cut, so it's
    very long and takes quite a while to wash properly.....fun, fun...:*}
    
    	Take heart tho'....they tell me it's "just a stage"......
    
    			
    							jim s.

   Yep... mine too...   my oldest (now 3.5 yrs) went through a stage when
   she absolutely hated to have her hair washed.  Now its simple - she
   has learned to close her eyes, cover them with her hands, and tip her
   head back to get her hair washed.
   
   My 2yr old, on the other hand, absolutely screams and tries to climb
   out of the tub when we come near her head with water... never dull..!!
   
   Peace,
   
   - Tom
   

    My daughter, Gina is 2-1/2.  She is scared by a lot of things, but some
    of them lately are getting stranger and stranger.
    
    She is scared when someone has a hole in their clothing.  She won't go
    near anyone with a hole, including her Dad and me!  Last night I was
    going to give her an "airplane" ride, which she refused because I had a
    small hole in my sock.  (I never did learn to darn...)
    
    She is also very fearful of anyone with a bandage, no matter how small. 
    She puts them all over her body, but generally on her clothes.  But she 
    recoils away from someone else with one on.
    
    I try to tell her that people are still the same and she need not be
    scared, but it doesn't work right now.
    
    Anyone else with these?  And any ideas?
    
    Thanks,
    
    judy

    RE:-1 It could be the fear of the unknown and unexplainable (to her).
    Avanti (3.5 yrs) has been doing that on and off since she was 2.5. She
    will be afraid of one thing one day and another thing another day. As
    each new fear surfaces we try to do something to explain to her what
    the "thing" that she fears is. 
    
    Isn't it fun?
    Shaila

    re .15
    
    A friend of mine (a therapist who has read lots of psychology,
    for what it's worth) says that children of this age are very
    concerned with body integrity. They are afraid of losing parts
    of themselves and can be frightened of any suggestion of damage,
    injury, etc. For some kids it seems to interfere with toilet
    training, because they don't want to part with even the 
    disposable stuff!
    
    This sounds on-the-mark for your child -- but not very helpful 
    for how to help, I'm afraid.
    
    Lucy

    Hmmm, I've heard of many kids being afraid they'll go down the drain in
    the tub so the thought that she may be worried about losing part of
    herself is consistent developmentally.
    
    judy

Judy, you might try having her put a bandaid on *you*.  This way she
sees a bandaid on someone else, but it might not be as scary because
she has placed it there herself (she had the control).

      Carol

    
    Thanks for that idea, Carol.  I'll give it a try.  
    
    Hugs to all four DuBois!
    
    judy

    Lets bring this subject to life again. My 18month old, like so many
    babies, is petrified (and I mean scared!) of life size characters. The
    thing is, you never know where you're going to encounter them, at the
    grocery store, in a shopping mall, at a birthday party.
    I can understand why it may appear frightening to little ones, big
    imposing heads, not always benevolent features....
    What might you suggest to calm these fears? 
    
    We went to a party yesterday, and a rather pitful an humurous Big Bird
    and Zoey (?) appeared, my son became terrified to the point that he 
    tried to climb over my husbands head. All appeared fine last night, he
    ate well, and was full of vinegar during the evening, but he whimpered
    all night, waking up crying quite a few times. He soaked 3 diapers 7
    hours. (Spoke to the babysitter, he's fine today)
    

    
    Not sure if this will work for you, but we've found somewhat helpful in
    the past, is if there's 2 adults, 1 of them hold the child, far enough
    away that they don't seem terrified, and the other go up to the
    offending object and touch it or tickle it or hug it or something.  It
    may not be enough to get them to 'like' it, but it usually took the
    edge off for us.  Occassionally the kids would want to get closer, and
    then would want to smack it or something, and then play with it.  Go
    figure!
    
    

    This is the closest topic I could find -- I want to enter a note about
    my 6-year old's fear of the doctor.  Mods:  You may want to change the
    title of this note to "Children's Fears" or move this to another topic,
    since this is not specifically a "preschoolers and toddlers" fear.
    
    My 6-year old is extremely afraid of the doctor.  There is no
    particular traumatic experience that I can remember that caused the
    fear.  Daniel is generally a cautious, quiet child, and he has a
    difficult time dealing with most new situations, even positive ones.  I
    don't think his fear is a result of an incident, rather his anxiety and
    fear of the unknown is an inherent personality trait (one I wish I
    hadn't passed on to him) that perhaps can be treated somewhat by
    behavioral therapy.
    
    Daniel is very healthly, and didn't need to visit the doctor at all
    between his 5th and 6th-year checkups.  However, he did attend numerous
    doctor visits when I took my daughter to the doctor, so he's seen the
    office and staff and has an idea of the routine.
    
    Daniel's 6th checkup was scheduled for late June.  He would only agree
    to being weighed and measured, but wouldn't cooperate for any other
    procedures.  The doctor didn't want to force it and further traumatize
    him, so we made an appt. to go back. That appt was yesterday.  
    
    It went better.  We managed to persuade him to let the dr. check his
    ears, throat, eyes, stomach, bones, glands.  But when it came time for
    taking off his underwear to let the dr. exam his genitals, he wouldn't
    cooperate.
    
    I've told Daniel many times that no one, except the dr during a checkup,
    and Mom and Dad if we need to administer medicine, should touch his
    genitals. Apparently his preschool teachers reinforced the "no one,"
    because during the visit, Daniel said that his teachers said that he is 
    the boss of his body and no one can touch him there.
    
    The doctor didn't want to push it.  And since Daniel isn't having any
    problems in that area, we agreed to let it go for now.  What I'm
    wondering is how other parents have handled similar situations.  Are
    there any books out there about doctor visits that address the genital
    exam?  At some point, he will have to have that exam -- do we just wait
    until he matures enough to understand that it's just something he has
    to do?
    
    Thanks for whatever you can share.
    
    Sheryl
                         

    
    Maybe I'm wrong ... but I thought that the whole point of the genital
    exam in boys was to make sure that both testicles were "dropped", -
    essentially to check for a hernia.  
    
    This is something that you or he should be able to check, and may feel
    more comfortable about in your own home.  OR maybe you can explain WHY
    the Dr needs to check him, and explain what's an "ok" way to be
    touched, and what's not ??
    
    I don't know - I can't get my kids to keep their clothes on! (-;
    
    

    
    This may not belong in this topic but it's the closes I can find.
    Mods, if there is someplace better feel free to move it.
    
    Last night my son, 8, and I were witness to a robbery.  The "perp"
    did not have a gun or anything but was quite drunk and unruly.  
    I couldn't quite think straight but sent Nathan out of the store
    quickly.  I have no clue why I stayed behind, but I did.
    
    Nathan, now, is terrified of everything.  He doesn't want to go
    anywhere alone - even to feed the dog in the backyard.  I can't
    say I blame him but I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions
    on how to explain to him that just because something bad happened
    that doesn't mean that something bad will always happen.
    
    I had a similar situation when I was his same age and a friend
    was kidnapped by the FLQ (Quebec).  I had a total fear of being 
    alone and refused to walk to school (even with other kids) for a 
    year and screamed and threw fits every morning, forcing my Mom to 
    drive me to school and would even scream when left in the classroom.
    It was aweful.  I didn't get over the fear until we moved away.
    
    I would like to help Nathan get over this before it becomes such
    an overiding fear that he becomes 'paralyzed' by his fears in 
    the same way.
    
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
    
    Pam

    An immediate step would be to talk with the school about having a 
    meeting with the school counselor. Or call EAP and have them help you
    find a counselor. His reactions sound very normal after going through
    a trauma.
    
    best wishes,
    

    Part of his problem may be a fear of losing you, because you sent him
    out and stayed behind yourself.  He is old enough to realize you could
    have been badly hurt or even killed in a robbery.  Talk to him about
    the fact that you aren't going anywhere, you'll always be there for him
    as long you live, etc., and see if that helps, too.  I would give him a
    couple of weeks to calm down before I thought about counseling, though,
    because suggesting a counselor might only make him think that his
    "problem" is much worse than it is.  His extreme fear may only be
    temporary, a few weeks, a month or so.
    
    M.
    

    
    Thanks for the responses.  Nathan is doing a lot better today,
    he is much more sensible than I at that age.
    
    He was afraid that the man was going to come after him but now
    he realizes that he doesn't know who we are or where we live and
    is probably in jail. 
    
    He is not totally over it and I'm sure there will be lingering
    effects (it doesn't help that his friend across the street had
    their house broken in to a couple of days ago either) but he
    will gradually realize that the world is not always bad.
    
    Thanks for your help,
    Pam

    My almost-5, Holly, is afraid of so much stuff that it is getting
    very old.  She is afraid of the following:
    
    bugs (doesn't want to go outside at day care)
    the stove
    the microwave
    the smoke detector
    buzzers,including Daddy's beeper
    Thomas the Tank Engine
    water filling up the bathtub or sink
    large dogs she doesn't know (sensible, I think)
    the fan
    
    And that's just what I can think of off the top of my head!!  How can I
    help her?  I mean, she has to play outside, I have to cook, I have to
    use the microwave, etc.  If I'm right in the kitchen with the stove/
    micro, she's all right, but if I put something in the micro to defrost
    and then go to the bathroom or something, she flips out.  Both my
    husband and I are at our wits' end.  I want to be understanding, but
    shouldn't she be past some of these fears by now?
    
    Kate
    

    My daughter, Gina is 6 and will start first grade in a month.  She
    attended kindergarten at her daycare center.
    
    Lately, she is extremely scared of being alone.  She won't go to the
    bathroom alone, bed alone, or stay in the family room while I'm making
    dinner in the kitchen (and she can see me!).
    
    This is incredibly annoying, but I'm starting to wonder if it is
    related to starting school.  She'll be leaving the only daycare that
    she ever remembers, since she's been there since she was 15 months old. 
    The fear of the unknown at school may be exhibiting itself in the fear
    of the unknown of being alone with monsters.
    
    If this is short-term thing, I can deal with it better.  Has anyone
    else noticed this behavior?  Is there something I can do to reassure
    her?   
    
    Thanks!
    
    judy

    I have the same problem with my daughter who will be 6 in two months.
    Tiffany has been in daycare since she was five months old.
    She doesn't even want to go into the next room alone.  It's getting
    kind of irritating ... if I want her room cleaned up I have to go in
    there with her, when I could be off cleaning something else!
    
    I just decided this is a stage and am waiting it out, I keep
    encouraging her to go off and do things on her own.  Sorry, I don't
    have any other suggestions ...
    
    Janice

    Must be an age-related thing. My son (6 in June) 
    has gone through this off and on for the last 9 months or so. 
    For him, it's almost always related to something fearful. 
    I don't remember what brought on the initial episode, but the 
    latest one started after he woke in the middle of the night from
    a bad dream. This was 5 or 6 weeks ago and he still needs to
    be on the same floor as me. But it's getting better.
    Good luck!
    Sue
    

    Well, I can see I'm not alone.  We'll just trudge through and if this
    doesn't get any better, then we'll ask her doctor about it.
    
    Thanks,
    
    judy