Conference moira::parenting

    When we were expecting our second, we found an excellent book to read
    with our older child. It's called "Let me Tell You About My Baby" by
    Roslyn Banish. 
    
    It impresses me because the text is straigtforward and the
    illustrations are black and white photos of a real family (a little
    dated, but they look like real people, and not everyone is smiling all
    the time). It's told from the older child's point of view, about
    his mother's pregnancy, the birth, and his feelings about his new
    brother. We still read it.
    
    Harper & Row, ISBN 0-06-446084-3
    

    This may not belong here.  Moderator please move this reply if there is
    a more appropriate note for it.
    
    In the last version of parenting, I recommended "The Premature Baby
    Book" written by Helen Harrison and mentioned an 800 number for
    ordering.
    
    The number is (800) 221-7945.
    
    This book is a great resource to parents and other family members
    involved with a premature birth.  It is a guide to coping and caring
    for the first years..
    
    Although the book is about 10 years old, I found it to be my guide
    through the ups and downs.  It discusses the problems of prematurity,
    and the emotions of dealing with NICU life, death of a baby  and going
    home....
    
    -beth

    re: .2 -- The Premature Baby Book
    
    The book is helpful, but it is also somewhat dated.   After our
    daughter was born, I walked into the NICU one day with this book,
    and then nurses/MDs pointed out that a number of the problems cited in
    the book were less risky and/or better handled -- e.g., respiratory
    distress syndrome.
    
    
    Gene
      
    

    Consumer Reports Guide to Baby Products
    
    Evaluates safety, convenience, and durability of hundreds of baby
    products. Includes cribs, car restraints, high chairs, strollers,
    playpens, diapers, and baby foods. With buying advice and product
    recall information. Plus Consumer Reports brand-name Ratings and
    recommendations.
    
    Third Revised Edition
    Copyright May 1991
    ISBN 0-89043-360-7
    $12.95
    

    
    Hi
    
    I'm looking for catalogs with quilts, bumper pads, wall hangings etc.
    If anyone has a phone number that I can order a catalog from, I would
    really appreciate it.   I was up at Tiny Totland in Manchester, NH and
    they had a big selection but I didn't find anything that I really fell
    in love with.  Are there any more stores around  Southern NH, Northern
    Mass with a good selection?   
    
    Thanks, Pam
    
    ps. moderators - I was going to start a Baby Furniture/Accessories note
        but couldn't decide if this note should go here or in a new note.  
        Please feel free to move this note if there is a better home for
        it.   

I fell in love with a pattern at Sears, but I wouldn't say they had a large
selection.

I found a phone number for a catalog out of Manchester in one of the previous
PARENTING conferences.  I think it was called NH Buying Service -- they had
good prices on furniture, and a fair selection of accessories.  Try the
CATALOG and/or FURNITURE keywords.

    Thanks Deb.   I do have that catalog from NH Buying Service.  They have
    the crib and bureau that I picked out at Tiny Totland.   The price is 
    about 10-15% less through the catalog.  They do have quite a few crib
    sets but they don't picture everything they have in stock.  They are
    distributors to a lot of the baby stores in the area so can get just
    about anything you find in the stores at a better price (you're not
    paying a middle man).  The "compared at" prices listed in the catalog
    were very close to what Tiny Totland was charging.  I'm interested
    in looking at other catalogs with crib sets because NH Buying Service
    only pictures a sample of what they have in their catalog.  They told
    me to just call with the style numbers for anything I find and they'll
    let me know if they have it in stock or if they can get it.
    
    Thanks again.
    
    Pam

    A friend is seeking a pattern for a crocheted victorian Christening
    gown. Any pointers?
    
    Thanks,
    Mike

   See also, BOOKIE::CATALOGS - quite a repository of catalog info
   there..
   
   - Tom
   

I'd peruse the Crochet magazines at the Book Store ... inquire at a fairly
large fabric store (espcially one that also deals with craft items ...
eg. Fabric House? -- So-Fro's parent company) or ask friends/coworkers if
you can peruse through their Crochet magazines/patterns.

There are crochet pattern books ... most yarn stores have them.

Good luck,
Dottie

    You may also want to check out ERIS::THREADS.
    
    Lori B.

	Since it's been a number of years since that Jr. High
	"human sexuality" class I decided I needed a refresher
	course;

	I picked up "Dr. Miriam Stoppard's Pregnancy and Birth Book"
	at a local Crown bookstore.  It's great!  Only one comment,
	it was last pubished in 1987 so the information pertaining
	to drinking during pregnancy is outdated.  Of course, we now
	know that completely abstaining from alcohol before conception
	and through-out the pregnancy and nursing is best.

	Otherwise this takes you step by step through every aspect
	(biological, emotional, medical) and gives you an insight
	into alternatives as well.

	Ballantine Books
	ISBN: 0-345-31908-7

	Regards,

	Lisa

	  

    T. Berry Brazelton's "Infants and Mothers" (or maybe its "Mothers and
    Infants"...its been awhile since I read it!).
    
    This book was my sanity saver.  I knew nothing about babies when Bob
    was born.  The book described many day-to-day situations with infants
    and helped me to expect the unexpected and to not be surprised when
    certain things occurred.
    
    The title is misleading.  Its not about "Infants and Mothers" at all,
    rather its a study, from birth up to the first year, of three infants
    with very different personalities - a "quiet" baby, a "normal" baby and
    an "active"baby.  Its interesting to see the range of behavior that T.
    Berry considers 'normal'...also it is interesting to read about
    parental blunders (made by both Mom and DAd) that parallel your own!
    

    
    I was watching the American Baby show last week and they had an
    author on, Dr. Kevin Leman, who is a psychologist.  The name of
    his book is "Making Children Mind without Losing Yours"
    
    Has anyone ever read/heard of this book?  Any thoughts.
    
    He takes a very strong approach to 'handling' problems with
    children.  For instance, if a child refuses to eat his/her 
    breakfast, rather than bargain with the child throw the meal
    down the sink (I know this may seem harsh).  In 20 min the
    child may return and claim he/she is hungry.  Tell the child
    "come back at lunchtime and we'll see how you eat then."
    His statement then is, no child will die from missing a meal.
    
    Anyone read it?
    
    Kristen
    
    

    Kristen,
    
    I haven't read the book, but did come across it at the supermarket last
    week.  They had it right by the door so you couldn't miss it as you
    walked in!!  I laughed to myself cuz I personally don't like to grocery
    shop where little children are misbehaving!!
    
    -beth

    There are two really good books to read if it is your first pregnancy/
    child... They are both by the same author(s) but I can't remember them
    at the moment.  I'll add that later.  They are:  "What to Expect When
    You're Expecting" and "What to Expect in the First Year."  I have both
    books and they are a great read and very thorough.
    
    They are both organized month by month through your pregnancy and your
    baby's first year.  I got the book on baby's first year after I had my
    second son.  It wasn't out in 1988 when I had my first.  It still has
    some really useful info for "experienced" moms; i.e., home remedies for
    cradle cap.  I would have felt like a dope calling my doctor or my Mom
    at 9:00 at night when I first noticed the patches on Noah's head.  But,
    ta-dah, there it was in the book.
    
    Both books are really good for those questions you think of in the wee
    hours when everyone else but you (and baby) are asleep.
    
    I have seen both books available at Crown Books (Mid-Atlantic area). 
    The baby book makes a great baby shower gift.  I gave one to my friend
    who was having her first baby and she said it has been a life saver!
    
    Kathy
    (Alex and Noah's mom)
    
    

    Can anyone please recommend a good basic book on child nutrition?  I'm
    looking for something to give to a relative who doesn't even know the
    basics.  
    
    Thanks,
    L

    Hi,
    
    I need a recommendation on a book that will help explain to a
    soon-to-be 3-yr-old what to expect when the new baby arrives.
    
    Thanks in advance,
    
    Freddie
    

    .18> I need a recommendation on a book that will help explain to a
    .18> soon-to-be 3-yr-old what to expect when the new baby arrives.
    
    We got Mr. Rogers' book, "The New Baby" for Brian.  He was a big
    Mr. Rogers fan at the time so he really liked it.  I think it dealt
    with things pretty realistically, and in true Mr. Rogers' style talked
    about the feelings that the older child might have when the new baby
    comes home.
    
                                                     Tracy

    
    
    Depends on the age of the older sibling
    
    Discovery Toys has four short books
    	Waiting for baby
    	Visiting the hospital
    	Bringing home baby
    	Getting used to baby
    
    My 2.5 yr old really got into these. Berenstein BEars also has one about
    the "New Baby" that addressed issues like the baby getting the crib,
    etc. 
    
    Also check your hospitals Parent-Ed center, if they have one for
    recommendations
    
    Jamd

    Can someone recommend a book that deals with what to expect when you
    have a second child, i.e. sibling issues, regression, etc.?  I seem to
    recall someone recommending a book called "Your Second Child" somewhere
    in here, but I can't find the reference.

    Deb,
    
    I am also expecting my second child, in December.  I bought a book
    called "Welcoming Your Second Child".  I don't have the author handy,
    but will look it up tonight if you like.  It talked about different
    things to expect from different ages the sibling is, as well as 
    referenced a lot of other books to help the child understand what
    is going on.  I thought it was good, not great, but helpful none the
    less.  I live in Colorado Springs and bought this at one of the Target
    stores here.
    
    Hope this helps,
    Von

Hi, 
    
    Here's the information about the book, Your Second Child.
    
    
Your Second Child

Author:  Joan Soloman Weiss
Published by:  Summit Books
ISBN 0-671-25618-1
     0-671-25619-X (pbk.)

From the back cover:

"Your Second Child is the first book to focus on the special challenges and 
joys of being a parent for the second time.

"Blending experience and expertise, the author, an award-winning medical 
writer and mother of two, presents not only the theoretical aspects of 
second-time parenting, but the practical side as well.  Your Second Child 
begins with a detailed look at the impact of a second child on the family, 
and discusses the psychological and physical aspects of a second pregnancy 
and childbirth, highlighting the important and often overlooked differences 
from the first experience.  The author then offers solid, much-needed 
information on every aspect of the subject:  how to cope with sibling 
rivalry; how to distinguish and deal with the differences between the two 
children; how to help your children learn and play together; how to make 
one room big enough for two; and how to mesh two children's schedules and 
make time for yourself..."
    
    

    I also found "Siblings Without Rivalry" a very good book, though I'm
    sure I'll refer to it more as the kids get older. Even if you don't
    read the chapters, at the end of each is a cartoon that summarizes the
    topic. It's also very pertinent to issues/dealings between friends, not
    only siblings.
    
    

    
    	"You're a Better Parent Than You Think!"
    
    		By Raymond N. Guarendi Ph.D.
    
    	A guide to common-sense parenting.
    
    	ISBN 0-13-981853-7  Prentice-Hall Inc. 	($8.95 and worth it!)
    
    This is a great book w/ lots of real-life situations and case
    histories. Here's the blurb from the back cover.
    
    "Covering the most troublesome aspects of parenthood, this book is
    full of real, sensible, down-to-earth guidance. It restores your
    confidence in yourself so you don't feel undermined by all the
    self-proclaimed experts and enables you to raise your children in a way
    that is better for them... and a lot better for you! The author teaches
    you the ins and outs of effective parenting by offering absorbing case
    examples of true-life situations that every parent will recognize. 
    In this book you'll learn:
    
    	o to avoid the causes of guilt, worry and frustration
    
    	o to calmly handle behavior that looks "abnormal" - but isn't
    
    	o to five up unproductive tactics such as nagging, counting to
    		three, and bribing - so that you can discipline more 
    		quietly, fairly, and effectively
    
    	o and to end practices that are guaranteed to drive you batty, 
    		including overreasoning, quibbling, and perpetual
    		overseeing
    
    	Now you can trust your instincts and good sense and learn how to
    become a more relaxed, easygoing parent while raising happy, well-
    adjusted children."

    .25 looks interesting....

    Other recommendations for understanding/dealing with 5 year olds?

    Feel we need to reconnect with motivations - lots of "wanna be
    grown-up/still treat me like a little one" conflicts


    Thanks

    JR

Someone gave my daughter this book.  She loves it and it has actually
improved the mother/daughter relationship.  The book is designed to be
read by the teenager, not by the parent.  It's very funny, but also very
wise.  The message is that arguing and fighting isn't going to do the
kid any good, and the kid has the power to keep the relationship under
control.  It tells the kid good and bad techniques for keeping on
the parent's good side, getting their way while making the parent feel
good about the interaction.  It's hard to explain.  It's conspiratorial
but in a very positive way.

The title is "Bringing Up Parents: The Teenager's Handbook", by Alex
Packer.  The publisher is "Free Spirit Publishing", 1-800-735-7323
list price 12.95
ISBN 0-915793-48-2

    I highly recommend this book.  It has many perceptive explanations and
    useful techniques.  I find many conventional techniques don't work with
    my spirited daughter.  This book expands on insights and techniques
    that I've been exploring on my own.  I feel more confident.

    Raising Your Spirited Child

    A guide for parents whose child is MORE
    intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic

    by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, publisher HarperCollins, hardcover 1991,
    paperback HarperPerennial, ISBN 0-06-016361-5, 284 pages

    Table of Contents:

    Part 1 Understanding Spirit
		Who is the spirited child?
		A different point of view:  building on the strengths
		What makes kids spirited:  why they do what they do
		Matches and mismatches - parents and kids fitting together
    Part 2 Working With Spirit
		Extravert or introvert:  finding the energy to cope
		Intensity:  diffusing the strong reactions
		Persistence:  choosing your battles
		Sensitivity:  understanding how they feel
		Distractible or perceptive:  helping them hear our
		  instructions
		Adaptability:   making transitions easier
		Regularity, energy, first reaction, and mood:
		  understanding the 'bonus traits'
		Tantrums:  spotting the triggers
    Part 3 Living With Spirit
		Planning for success:  predicting and preventing the
		  trouble spots
		Bedtime and night waking
		Mealtime
		Getting dressed
    Part 4 Socializing With Apirit
		Getting along with other kids
		Holiday and vacation hot spots
		Success in school
    Part 5 Enjoying spirit
		Epilogue:  the rose in my garden
		Recommended reading list for parents of spirited children
		Index

    An excellent book about Feeding techniques, nutrition and eating
    problems for infants, todddlers and through teenagers is "How to Get
    Your Child To Eat, But Not Too Much" by Ellen Sater. I read this when
    my boys were about a year old and I wish I had found it when they were
    babies. It has a no nonsense approach that helped me relax instead of
    obsessing about my childrens eating habits (the way I had been).
    
    Another book by the same author which focuses on infants is "Child Of
    Mine".

    	Just a note to let you know that this issue of Mothering magazine
    (I believe it is the winter 93 issue but I'll check to make sure) has
    two really great articles on alternative/natural cures for childhood
    illnesses and another article on homeopathic medicines for children.

    	They break the illness down into categories (fevers, congestion,
    coughing) and then list various herbs, homeopathic medicines, and
    procedures that you can do for the kids.

    	If you are in to that sort of thing (sound like a cult doesn't it?)
    then this a a great reference to use for the kids as well as the
    adults. 

    	It's definitely a clipped article under plastic for our house.

			
    			Wendy

    Wendy,
    
    Could you post the number and publisher for Mothering?  I received
    a subscription as baby shower present, but it was a little
    "earthy crunchy granola" for me.  I haven't seen it in local stores.
    
    Now, with a child that's allergic to antibiotics and who currently
    has bronchitis with an almost certain ear infection on the way,
    I'm interested.
    
    Thanks,
    Tara

>            <<< Note 17.31 by DEMON::PANGAKIS "Tara DTN 247-3153" >>>
>                  -< Phone number and address for Mothering? >-

    We also got a few free copies....and have since referred to
    it as 'smothering' magazine.  sort of the 'hot house plant'
    approach to raising kids.
    bob

I have a copy of "Mothering" at home, so can post the info Monday.
(I'm off on Fridays.)  You can buy it at Barnes and Noble in Nashua.

I agree about the "attitude" of the magazine.  While I agree with
some of their approach, it's still too much for me to take.

You might also check to see if your local library has a subscription.

Clay

    
    Sorry for the delay in entering this:
    
    Mothering magazine
    P.O. Box 532
    Mt. Morris, IL 61054-7856
    1-800-827-1061
    
    $18 for 1 year -- I believe that's 4 issues?  The one I bought
    says "Winter", not a specific month.
    

    
    Just picked up a great book, if you don't know about the PennyWhistle
    series then you are missing out on some super references.
    
    	The one I just got was "The Penny Whistle Sick-in-bed book" what to
    do with kids when they're home for a day, a week, a month, or more.
    
    	Written by: Meredith Brokaw (Tom's wife) and Annie Gilbar.
    
    	Filled with activities, advice, games and recipes.
    
    	I've been a long time fan of the Pennywhistle books, the party
    planner and birthday planner were invaluable in helping me put together
    Spencer's party.
    
    	The halloween book gave me good ideas for decorations and foods.
    
    	The Christmas book is coming off of the shelf after Thanksgiving.
    
    	And the Lunchbox book has recipes that the entire family enjoys.
    
    	The style of writing is clever and much like I did with MAD
    Magazine, just can't get enough of that margin art.
    
    				Wendy
                                

This note is being entered for a member of our community who wishes to remain
anonymous.

   Carol duBois, PARENTING co-moderator

************************************************************

My husband and I recently separated a few months ago. We have three 
small children.  Our oldest is in first grade. The other two are under
three years old and really don't understand.  Initially, we told the children 
that Daddy was helping out his grandmother, because I thought this was 
temporary situation. We recently explained to our oldest that Mommy and 
Daddy are not getting along and this is why Daddy doesn't live with us. 
Most importantly, we stressed that we love all of them and they are not the 
reason that Mommy and Daddy are apart.

We are in couples counseling. I am going to a counselor for myself to help me
cope with the day to day stress.  I just never thought this would happen.  
I try not to say anything to the kids but I find it extremely difficult 
because of the anger I have towards my husband for leaving us. Also, my 
family is not helping the situation. They feel I should just dump him and 
how could he leave a wife and three small children.

What I am looking for is some advice on any literature or/and books on
the subject to help the children.  I want to try and explain to them 
without placing blame or indicating that I feel this is their father's 
fault. He is their father and loves them very much. Our oldest will only 
ask me questions about the situation. I am at a lost for words because 
I don't understand the situation myself. If he tries to ask his father he 
gets round about answers, but I get those too. So, he will come back to me 
for clarification. So, if anyone knows of any literature that I can use
as a guide to support the children through this I would greatly appreciate 
getting the names of the books or articles.

Thanks,

-- Concerned Mom 

I would call your first graders school and ask to speak
to the school psychologist. Unfortunately, divorce is
all too common today and most schools have counseling
programs to help both parents and children deal with 
this issue. I would set up an appointment for you to
go in and talk to him/her and then if you're comfortable
maybe they can help. They should certainly be able to
provide or point you to relevant literature.

Good Luck,
Mike

    
    I have a book I got called "Divorce without Victims" subtitled
    something like "helping children through divorce", and it discusses a
    lot of aspects and different ages and how to deal with certain
    custodies etc.  If you'd like the book, I'd be happy to have someone
    else get some use out of it.
    
    There's another good book - I believe it's called "Marital Separation"
    that someone gave to me, which was helpful.  It focuses a little more
    on helping YOU get through it, but covers a whole lot of other issues,
    such as children, grandparents, the visiting parent (or non-visiting
    parent as the case may be), dating and all sorts of stuff.  This book
    has a bright orange/yellow cover, with purple writing.
    
    If you'd like to talk off-line about this, please feel free to send me
    mail.  I probably wouldn't be much help in the "saving your
    relationship" department, but I have 3 kids, from 2 different dads,
    and I'm not with either dad, so I understand about helping children
    through all this.
    
    Good Luck!!
    Patty

    Mods :  Feel free to move this to an appropriate place or forward to
    anon.
    
    Re: .37
    
    I'm in the same place.  My husband moved out when I was 5 months
    pregnant, and now I have a 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and a 5-1/2 month old at
    home by myself.  It's not easy by any means....
    
    The younger two are a little too young for explanations.  The oldest
    has been told that sometimes mommies and daddies just don't get along,
    and hasn't asked many questions beyond that, so I can't really help
    you along those lines.
    
    However, if you would like to call me (DTN 264-5497) or send mail
    to REFDV1::SENA, feel free.  It's always nice to have someone else
    to talk to.
    
    -Joy
    

    I'd suggest a trip to your local public library.
    
    Most children's librarians keep a list of books to use in this situation.
    I don't know the titles, but there are a number of picture books to use with
    children to explain separation and divorce, and to raise the topic for
    discussion if the child is afraid to ask questions. 

What books have people found to be good references on discipline?  

We have a 7 month old and want to start some early reading.    

I'm a big fan of the timeout method if that helps narrow it any.  

Thanks

On a tip from a fellow DECcie (with kids 8 and 10 yrs. old) during a
conversation about some of my latest struggles with my 2 1/2 yr.old son
and 5 month-old daughter, I purchased this book.  Things were getting
"outta control" and I needed a break from the constant friction and
whining...  I'm about halfway through it and by using the techniques, I
have already seen improvement in both our attitudes (my son and mine)
and his actions have beeen much more cooperative than antagonistic.

The book works with real examples of typical parent-child situations and
shows how different approaches produce radically different results. There
are 39 short chapters - some titles are: "The Fallacy of Punishment and
Reward", "Be Firm Without Dominating", "Show Respect for the Child", "Win
Cooperation", "Sidestep the Struggle for Power", "Action! Not Words",
"Talk *with* Them, Not *to* Them", and many more.

Inside Front Cover:

			WIN THE CHALLENGE...
  "The problems that our children present are increasing in frequency
  and intensity, and many parents do not know hoe to cope with them. They
  realize that children cannot be treated as they were in the past; but
  they do not know what else to do... The variety of conflicting sugges-
  tions thrown at parents provides more confusion than direction...

  "We do not suggest that parents be either permissive or punitive.  What
  parents have to learn is how to become a match for their children, wise
  to their ways and capable of guiding them without letting them run wild
  or stifling them."

  Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs has created an extraordinary guide designed to meet
  the needs of all parents -- helping them to develop a consistent approach
  to raising children in a warm and nurturing environment.

Back Cover:

  Based on a lifetime of experience with children - their problems, their
  delights, their challenges -- Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, one of America's
  foremost child psychiatrists, presents an easy-to-follow program that
  teaches parents step-by-step how to cope with the common childhood
  problems that occur from toddler through preteen years.  This warm and
  reassuring reference helps you to understand your shildren's actions
  better, giving you the guidance you need to discipline lovingly and
  effectively.

  o  Winning your children's cooperation and consideration
  o  Putting a stop to senseless accidents and carelessness
  o  Dealing with jealousy and fighting
  o  "Downgrading" bad habits
  o  Overcoming your own fears

  "Children: The Challenge" offers excellent advice and proven strategies
  for parents who want to build love and trust in their families,
  helping them to raise happier, healthier, and better behaved children.

Publication data:

Dreikurs, Rudolf, 1897-1972.
    Children: the Challenge / Rudolf Dreikurs, with Vicki Soltz.
    p.  cm.
    "A Plume Book."
    Originally Published: New York: Hawthorn Books, 1964.
    Includes index.
    ISBN 0-452-26655-6
    1. Child rearing.  2. Child psychology.  I. Soltz, Vicki.
    II.Title.
    HQ769.D653   1992
    649'.1-dc20

It's a real sanity saver! Enjoy...
-Cori

    
    This doesn't exactly fit "Parenting" unless you assume that most
    parents are in a male/female relationship.
    
    After 2 serious, failed relationships, I figured it was time to do
    SOMETHING to try to make some things different.  Both relationships
    seemed to have major communications failures (as do a lot of
    male/female relationships).  This book has become very popular lately.
    
    It's called;
    
    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by Dr. John Gray
    
    The book is *EXCELLENT*!!!  The planetary thing is not a jab at any one
    - but is really the basis for his whole philosophy.  That being that
    men and women try to treat each other the same, (and they're not), so
    they have major communication problems.  IF we treated each other like
    we were from different planets, we'd try harder to understand what the
    other wants or what they mean, and we'd get along better.
    
    If you've ever felt that your mate is doing something for you that
    THEY'D like, instead of something for you that YOU'D like, you have to
    read this book!!  I got it for Christmas (I asked for it), and I
    thought "Well, this isn't going to do a lot of good without someone
    else to go through it with", but I was WRONG.  It helps a lot from
    either side (or both) since it clearly and fairly represents both
    sexes, the words they communicate, and what they MEAN by those words.
    The same word for a woman has a completely different meaning for a man.
    Obviously there's some gross generalizations, but the ideas seem pretty
    solid.  One thing I found particularly interesting is the use of
    would/will versus could/can.
    
    Typically when a woman asks  Can you pick up the kids this afternoon?
    She means that she needs him to pick them up, and is trying politely to
    ask him to do it.
    
    He thinks she means - are you actually capable of picking up the kids
    this afternoon?  And does not take it as an implied request for him to
    actually DO it.  He also tends to react more defensively because
    OBVIOUSLY he CAN pick up the kids, and that she has to ask if he can is
    an attack of sorts, on him, and that she doesn't trust that he's able
    to do it.
    
    Instead saying "Will you pick up the kids?" - means basically the same
    to her.
    
    To him says I need your help and support, and I know that you can do
    this, so will you please pick them up?
    
    Now, I thought that they were making a WHOLE lot of hoopla about
    nothing until I tried it with Jonathan's Dad.  I always always say
    can/could, and anytime I asked him to pick up Jonathan from the daycare
    he'd moan and complain, and I'd insist, and eventually he would, but
    never willingly.  Simply making the change to WILL you pick up
    Jonathan, and then just WAITING to hear his response (women feel a need
    to justify the request - the book says be quiet and let him answer),
    you could have knocked me over with a feather when he replied "Sure,
    I'll pick him up".  HUH?!?!?!?!?  He's NEVER done that before.  And he
    never read any of the book .... !!
    
    So anyway (sorry to get so long-winded), it's a GREAT book if you're
    interested in improving communications in any male/female
    relationships.  I've found myself quite often saying "oh yeah!  THAT
    makes sense!"
    
    If not for yourself, then do it for your kids - there's a lot that you
    can learn and show your children to help them have smoother
    relationships when they're older.
    
    Patty

    I wonder if this works if your husband literally speaks another
    language (like French) . Probably complicates things even
    more . Just wondering.
    Carol

    See also _You_Just_Don't_Understand_, by Deborah Tannen.
    
    		-John Bishop

    John, you beat me to it.  Tannen has another one out, along similar
    lines; I think it's called _That's_Not_What_I_Meant_.
    
    A *lot* of light bulbs went on while reading those books!
    
    Leslie

    Tannen was also in a PBS show (don't know the name and can't tell you
    when it aired) talking about her book "Youou JusDont Understand".
    
    another woman here at work taped the show and brought it to work
    to show.  i borrowed it and my husband and i watched it together.
    it was great eye-opener.  i haven't read the book and i keep meaning
    to but that video made a big difference to the way we communicate.
    
    jo fujii

    as my we try for our first child, i bought a book that has helped me
    answer some of my questions.
    
    "Getting Pregnant
     What Couples Need to Know Right Now"
    by Neils H. Lauersen, MD, Ph D and Colette Bouchez
    published by Fawcett Columbine New York
    
    it's been great in relieving the anxiety that builds up when trying.
    it talks about the womans body and all the events that have to happen
    to get pregnant.  at the end is a suggested 6-month plan on getting
    ready to try.  it's a very positive book and very encouraging.  i'm
    happy to come across the book.  there's does not seem to be very any
    books that deal with the questions of getting pregnant than there are
    books on what to do when you're pregnant.
    
    jo fujii

    
    I found an excellent parenting book called "Parachutes for Parents"
    by Bobbie Sandoz.  Its about disciplining your children with love
    instead of anger.  Anyone who has trouble disciplining children
    would benefit from reading it.
    
    ........................beth

    For stepparents, I just started reading a book called "Making Peace
    with your Stepfamily" by Harold Bloomfield.
    
    I've only read a few chapters, but I've found it very helpful.

    I just bought a book called *Baby Bargains*. I'm sorry but I don't
    remember the names of the authors (a husband and wife). I'll try to
    remember to look that up and send another message.
    
    I don't know if buying the book will get you to spend less money. But I
    have found it useful in helping me understand all the stuff that's out
    there. I'm four months pregnant and anxious to know which stroller, car
    seat, high chair, etc., is safe and good quality.
    
    The book helps with that, but it seems to often recommend the really
    expensive stuff, like the Peg Perego strollers. 
    
    Another thing I like about it is that it gives a lot of resources. I
    ordered a bunch of catalogs. Apparently, JC Penney is a good place to
    get cribs (through mail order).
    
    Some advice is contradictory. They don't like the Century 4 in 1
    stroller, but they recommend the similar stroller frame sold by the
    Right Start catalog. It is cheaper, but it has no place for storage and
    it doesn't convert into an umbrella stroller, so I still see the
    Century as a better option. Also, they think the Century stroller is
    not of the best quality (that's my concern with it as well), but they
    don't mention the same of the Right Start frame (which couldn't be any
    better, I would think).
    
    Hope this is helpful!
    
    Janet
    

    Starting a different aspect of this string - children's magazines.
    
    I've seen several monthly/semi-monthly magazine offers for
    children, but am not sure of all the types available or those
    that are the best reading/value.  Have seen 'Highlights', 'Sesame Street'
    and others I don't remember names of.  My 4 year old would love
    to get something special in the mail just for her every month.
    My husband will be furious - another magazine (and possible
    distribution mailing lists) to contend with!  
    
    Are they worth the money
    or am I better off with buying coloring books/games etc?  
    
    Thanks - Kathy
                                

    Boy do I remember Highlights from when I was a child!  I loved
    them!  Especially the "find the hidden" whatevers in the pictures.
    
    I'm 37 and remember them well.  But we had them in school on 
    occasion.   Some sort of regular access to them would be great,
    I bet.
    
    						cj *->
    

    We got Ladybug magazine for over 2 yrs, when Ryan was about 3-5. I
    really liked it, and we enjoyed reading the variety of stories, poems
    and games each month.
    
    

My nephews get the 'Ranger Rick' magazines and seem to really enjoy them.

						Tracy

    
    We get a number of magazines:
    
    		Sesame Street: This has cute stories. Lots of activities.
    				We're letting this one run out cause my
    				daughter has never been a big SS fan.
    				I also find it difficult to get this
    				magazine and then have to tell my daughter
    				that we can't do all the cut out stuff
    				right then and there.
    
    		Your Big Backyard: or something like that. This one we
    				love!! My daughter loves animals and every
    				month this has at least 2-3 sections on
    				different animals. It also has a nice short
    				story and some pencil activities (matching
    				or coloring). This is in the series with
    				Ranger Rick. You get Backyard for 3 years
    				and then "graduate" to Ranger Rick. I guess
    				after 3 years the magazine repeats itself.
    
    		Turtle:	We just got our first copy of this one and it seems
    			nice. It has stories and pencil activies and hidden
    			pictures. This is part of the Jack 'n Jill series.
    			Is this part of Highlights??? I can't remember.
    
    I personally like getting the magazines for her cause it gives us
    something new to read and she loves getting mail. As an aside, we
    also get the National Geographic Kids Videos (Swinging Safari, 
    'something' Down Under, and Deep Sea Dive). These are real National
    Geographic footage narrated by "SPIN", an animated earth voiced by
    Dudley Moore. There are a number of songs throughout the videos, kinda
    like NG does MTV for kids. They're really cute and my daughter loves
    them.
    
    Patty

    I've gotten Disney Magazine, Sesame Street and now Ladybug for my
    almost 5 year old.  I stopped Disney after 1 year because I found it to
    be little more than a commercial (which you pay for) for the events
    going on at the theme parks and on the cable channel.  I ran into the
    same problem as -.1 with wanting to cut it up immediately.  We
    started getting Ladybug about 4 or 5 months ago and really like it.  My
    daughter is now reading and enjoys sitting and reading the magazine to
    herself, also.  BTW, this is a whole series of magazines starting with
    Babybug (plasticized, heavy pages for toddlers), then Ladybug.  Spider
    and Cricket are the last 2 but I don't remember their order.
    
    Irene

    Do you have a phone number or address for babybug?
    Thx,
    Nancy

    
    My kids have been getting Highlights for ~7 yrs (Started when Chris was
    ~3, Jason is now 7), and they both *LOVE* it!!!  Fight over it
    actually.  This year, Chris started getting the National Geographic for
    kids (which is really for age 9-10+), and he's totally addicted to
    that.  When it comes, he disappears until he's read it all, cover to
    cover.
    
    Maybe you could go to the library and look at what they have there, and
    make a better decision that way?
    
    -Patty
    

    I like to order at least one periodical for my daughter.  We get 5 or 6
    subscriptions for the adults, and I view getting her some as part of a
    lesson on the importance of life-long reading.
    
    Currently, we get Sesame Street, which my daughter likes a lot (she's
    5).  But like an earlier reply, she gets frustrated that we can't cut
    things out instantly.  Not that easy when we are trying to get dinner
    ready!  I like the parenting version that comes with the kid's
    magazine.  It has a lot of articles, how to use the kid's version, and
    reviews of current kid's music, videos, and software.
    
    We got Turtle in the past, but weren't as fond of that.  The stories
    just didn't seem as well written.   And the drawings seemed a little
    primitive.  Just one family's preference.
    
    I loved Highlights when I was a kid. I'll have to order that for her
    when the Sesame Street subscription passes down to her brother.
    
    judy
    
    

    RE: .59
    
    I'll try to remember to bring it in tomorrow.  They also have a toll
    free number.
    
    Irene

    another vote for "Your Big Backyard" and "Ranger Rick".
    
    i gave subscriptions of each magazine to friends children and
    they like it a lot.  for a friend that has a daughter (the eldest) 
    and a son, i gave "Ranger Rick" to the daughter and "Your Big Backyard"
    to the son.  both children enjoyed it and the daughter quickly
    said that Ranger Rick was for big kids like her.  :-)  i think she's 7
    now and the son is 5.
    
    jo

    Address for Babybug is:	Babybug
    				Box 723 
    				Mt. Morris, IL 60154
    
    Others in the series are the same except change the magazine name and
    box number.  Their box numbers are 592 for Ladybug, 639 for Spider and
    387 for Cricket.  You can also call them at 1-800-827-0227.
    
    Another thought just occured to me.  Before getting Ladybug for my
    daughter I took her to the library one night and we looked at several
    kids magazines.  You can also do this at a good bookstore.  I know
    Barnes and Nobles in Nashua has a fairly large kids magazine section. 
    This would allow you to be sure you get something both you and the
    child will like before you pay the money.  Kids magazines aren't cheap
    (Ladybug is $29.97/yr).
    
    Irene

    Does anyone currently receive Babybug that could offer a description of
    what it's like and what age it would be appropriate for?  How about an
    18 month old?  Kyle loves books and even though we have tons of them,
    I'm starting to get tired of reading them over and over.  This might
    provide some variety.
    
    Thanks!
    

    
    Would Babybug be appropriate for a 3 year old?
    
    Kirsten
    

    Babybug would be too young for a 3 year old.  For them, I'd go to
    Ladybug.  My daughter is 4 1/2.   I'll probably switch her to the next
    on up when the subscription comes up for renewal.
    
    Irene

    Does anyone have a phone number or address for, "Your Big Backyard"?
    
    Thanks,
    diana

    National Wildlife Federation
    P.O.Box 777
    Mount Morris, IL  61054-0777
    
    Toll Free # 1-800-588-1650
    
    12 issues for $14.00 for Your Big Backyard
    
    12 issues for $15.00 for Ranger Rick
    
    

    Thanks for the phone number and the address for Your Big Backyard.
    
    -diana

    Has anyone seen a magazine for girls called "American Girl"?  It's
    suppose to be for ages 8 and up.  I thought about getting my neice
    a subscription to it and wanted to know more about what it is like.
    Lila
    

    My kids get American Girl and we love it.  The focus is on girls today
    and American history as seen by girls of the time.  The crafts and
    party ideas are excellent.  My daughter (7 at the time) had an entire
    Valentine's Day party based on ideas, recipes, etc. from one issue.
    
    The articles are great too.  One was about girls playing ice hockey and
    another was about a deaf girl - I was surprised that they even got into
    the controversies around signing vs. lipreading and explained the
    issues very well.
    
    Every issue comes with a set of paper doll/clothes based on a real girl 
    of the past, with her history and family story.
    
    Come to think of it, I think I'll get this for my niece too!
           

    
    Does anyone have an address or telephone number for this magazine?
    
    -Ellen.

    The magazine is put out by the same company that makes the American
    Girls dolls.  If you are in the U.S., you can call the 800 information
    line (1-800-555-1212), and get their number.  Or I'll try to remember
    to check my catalog and get the number.
    
    judy

    the number to order American Girl is 1-800-845-0005.
    
    I think I'll get it for my niece for Christmas!   Lila
    

    
    I just called to order American Girl Magazine.  It is $19.95 for
    one year.  If you order now, the first magazine will arrive the
    first week in December.  This works out good for me because I 
    am making her a book bag to hold all of her magazines and I'll
    have my sis-in-law grab the first one that comes in the mail so
    I can put it in the book bag with the postcard that they will 
    send me to use as a gift card.
    
    If you don't want the first one to arrive until after Christmas
    I'd wait a few weeks.
    
    Pam

    If you order American Girl Magazine from the Pleasant Company catalog,
    you can check off a box for when you want the subscription to start
    ("Start Now" or "Start Jan/Feb 1996 issue").  So if you call (800-
    845-0005) I would think they'd give you the same option.
    
    Leslie

    
    I'm thinking of ordering Sport Illustrated for Kids for my nephew
    for christmas.  
    
    Does anyone know the number to call to order?
    
    Kirsten
    

    
>    I'm thinking of ordering Sport Illustrated for Kids for my nephew
>    for christmas.  
>    
>    Does anyone know the number to call to order?
    
    1-800-219-5588, if you're still looking...
    
    
    Glenn
    

    My children have some study themes in their classes and I thought it
    would be good to pick up some books for home to reinforce.  So I am
    looking for recommendations on the following:

    1) My 2nd grader is studying simple machines.  From what he's been
       talking about it's real simple machines like hand crack can openers. 
       Can anyone recommend an age appropriate "how does it work" type book?

    2) My 3rd grader is studying anatomy.  I picked up something at Barnes
       & Noble, but I'm not super pleased with it.  Of course I only
       scanned it at the store.  It may turn out to be very good.  If it does,
       I'll enter the title, author, etc.

>                        -< simple machines and anatomy >-

>    1) My 2nd grader is studying simple machines.  From what he's been
>       talking about it's real simple machines like hand crack can openers. 
>       Can anyone recommend an age appropriate "how does it work" type book?

    One of the all time favorite books in our house is
    David McCauley's (spelling?) "how things work".  this book
    has diagrams and text about how EVERYTHING works.  Its great
    for simple machines (like hand crank can openers).  There is also
    a humorous 'story' going on throughout the book that you can follow
    if you want about using mastodons to create many of the machines.

    I'm told his CD by the same name is even better, but I haven't
    seen it.
    bob

    
    By definition, a "simple machine" is one that's driven by muscle, and
    doesn't have any sort of motor or anything ... just so that that much
    is clear anyway.  I shovel is a simple machine.  A steam shovel is not.
    
    ...jeepers, and we didn't learn this till 4th grade!!
    

    I sent him in with examples today (can opener, egg slicer, nut cracker
    and ice cream scoop).  
    
    I guess I didn't know that the definition of "simple machine" was that
    formal.
    
    Thanks for the book name.  I'll be near a Barnes and Noble again next
    week, maybe I can call ahead and see if they have it or can order it.

    
    I thought that there are only 5 kinds of simple machines, can't
    name them all but some are: pulley, screw, lever, inclined plane
    and ?????. 
    
    Could be wrong, but just thought I'd mention it.
    
    Pam

    Is anyone familiar with the magazine "Teen Voices" which is sold at
    newsstands?  The magazine is a feminist magazine for teen-age girls
    written by teenagers.  Articles are about hard-hitting subjects such as
    teen-age parenthood, living with loss and race relations.
    
    I have 2 neices in their mid-teens, both of whom have esteem issues 
    around body image and I thought maybe this magazine maybe more for them
    then how to be thin.
    
    Any feedback is appreciated.
    Thanks,
    Marie

There was a nice article about the magazine in yesterday's Boston Globe.

Harold

<    Is anyone familiar with the magazine "Teen Voices" which is sold at
<    newsstands?  

From what I read in the Globe, it sounded pretty impressive.  There was a phone
number for subscriptions or more info at the end of the article. 

      Carol

    Carrie and I have enjoyed "new Moon" magazine, written by early teens,
    for teens.  Might be worth looking into.  
    
    Lolita (now 22) refers to it as "that snotty little magazine, " which
    probably says it is good.  
    
    meg

    I don't often check out the teen section.. is the "new Moon" available
    say at CVS or the Paper Stores?
    
    Thanks.

    Lolita (my oldest) says that it is available at Barnes and Noble.  
    
    I recommmend reading it if you have concerns before letting kids read
    it, but I would do that with any young-teen magazine, or any magazine
    that I let my kids read.  
    
    meg

I recently read

	"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk,"
	Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I HIGHLY recommend it.  The subject (if not obvious) is communicating with your
kids, and it is uses a very sensible and practical approach.  It's derived from
a parenting seminar the authors developed, so there are anecdotes, exercises,
and review/summary sheets.  Wonderful book!

						Brian

    Newsweek magazine has a special edition out called "Your Child".  I
    read it last night, it has a lot of good information in it for parents
    of an infant and parents-to-be.  It deals with (a little) pre-pregnancy
    to 3 years old.
    
    There is a section on disabilities that I feel the author uses "normal
    (as in normal child)" to much, however all in all, I feel it really is
    worth taking the time to read.
    
    sandy