Conference moira::parenting

    
    You can't change Kelly's behavior but you can talk to Patrick.
    
    you can say things to him like:
    
    	I'll bet that it does not feel good when Kelly ignores you like
    that.
    
    	or
    
    	It must hurt to not have Kelly hold your hand.
    
    	If you talk about it in terms of how *Patrick* feels at the time of
    the behavior  (why was Patrick allowed to keep saying "good morning"
    way wasn't the unacceptable behavior called *at the time* the behavior
    was performed?) then he will be empowered to call the behavior himself;
    
    	Kelly, it makes me feel mad when you won't talk to me.
    
    	Maybe Kelly will understand the repercussions of her behavior,
    maybe not, it sounds like the waters run deep here, but in any case, at
    least Patrick will be able to manage the situation and not be made to
    feel so much like a victim.
    
    			Wendy
                

    My son has discovered that not all people are kind and thoughtful (like
    he is).  It's a tough lesson for little ones to learn.  If Patrick can
    handle this kid, he'll all the better off when he starts grade school.
    
    Kyle is now almost 7 and when he is rejected he just pushes it back in
    his mind and moves on.  He will tell me how he feels, but usually I
    have to drag it out of him.  More often than not, he'll tell me about
    an instance, but he won't say it bothered him - or it just bothered him
    for a minute.  
    
    My first thoughts as I read your query was:  Is Patrick bothered by
    this girl, or are you bothered for him?  I know I tend to feel worse
    about things that happen to my kids than they do.  Can you talk to
    Patrick to make him understand that not all people are like him (kind,
    thoughtful - whatever you find are his good qualities) and that we have
    to learn to get along with others?   If Patrick is not retaliating then
    it sounds like you've got a good kid on your hands.  Try to take the
    que from him.  Work with Patrick and forget about trying to change
    Kelly or even your M-I-L.  At this point it's Patrick's feelings that
    need your attention - unfortunately there isn't anything you can do
    about "other people's behaviour" for the most part.
    
    Parenting is definately getting tougher every year!!
    
    -sandy
    

I agree that you should teach Patrick how to express his feelings to
Kelly about the way she treats him.  I also agree that if will do this, then he
will feel less like a victim, and that is very important.

Assuming that Kelly is the only child that Patrick has to play with each
day (on a regular basis) then IMO Kelly's behaviour could be quite detrimental
to Patrick's self esteem.  If Patrick does not feel significantly better after
learning to talk to Kelly about his feelings, and/or if Kelly's behaviour
does't change, I would suggest putting Patrick in a larger daycare environment
with several children.  This would allow him to find someone who is willing
to be his *friend*.

        Carol

    As I read the base note, I, too, felt sorry for Patrick, and worried   
    that this might hurt his self-esteem.  He sounds like such a nice kid.
    I can understand how you would cry for him, especially when you're
    5 months pregnant!
    
    Here's the thing I kept thinking, though.  What if, as I read your
    note, I substituted a paid day-care provider for your mother-in-law,
    and any other child instead of a niece.  In other words, remove the
    relative factor and consider the situation as if your son was in a
    day care situation which you had selected and paid for, which happened
    to have only one other child enrolled.  And there were no relatives 
    involved.    
    
    Looking at the situation this way, I probably would expect the day
    care provider to remedy the little girl's behavior, or to speak to
    the little girl's parents and tell them that certain behaviors are
    not allowed at this day care center.  Over time I may feel compelled
    to find other day care.  That said, let me say I realize that this is just
    a hypothetical consideration, and that there are many, many benefits
    to having your son in family-provided day care.  But it may be useful
    to look at the situation in this objective way, just to see all angles.
     
    
    to plenty of other peers who are kind and friendly.  

  Thanks very much for the replies.  You've made me feel that Patrick is not
in as grave danger as I had worked myself up into thinking, at least not
in his day-care situation.

  I have discussed this problem with my MIL many times.  It is unfortunately
common knowlege amongst family members and friends that Kelly is not an easy
child to deal with so my MIL is very open to discussing these issues
and she is well aware of my concerns.  Luckily we have a great relationship
and I can speak frankly with her about most anything.  I'm confident that
my MIL does not allow Kelly to get away with this sort of behavior as
Kelly's mother does.   What bother's me is that the behavior exists at all,
that there is confrontation, that my MIL has to continually tell Kelly to
be nice, to share, to stop being fresh etc.  and I can't change Kelly's
behavior or personality.  Patrick must meet a lot of daily contention in Kelly
but the trade-off is that the other half of the time they are the best of
friends (does this sound like a brother-sister relationship?) and of course
he is with his Grammy and Grampie which he loves.

  When we are with 'the family' and my MIL is no longer in charge and Kelly's
non-responsive parents are, this is when the trouble really starts.  I guess
the people I'm really angry with are Kelly's parents not only for what they
allow Kelly to do to Patrick but what they are allowing Kelly to do to
herself.
                     
thanks--------MM

    My son Josh, now 2, is having a problem with the twin boys, age 4,
    next door. He really likes to go and play with them but they won't
    let him touch anything. If their mother says Josh can play with
    something they yell and scream and try to take it away from him.
    They have also knocked him down and hit him on purpose, thrown
    things at him, and tried to hit him with play wood swords. The final
    straw was this past Friday when one of them tried to throw Josh
    down the slide. If I hadn't been standing right there he could have
    been hurt. I told their mother and left with Josh and haven't let
    him play with them since. The problem is that Josh still wants to
    play with them. Yesterday we were in our own yard and Josh kept
    saying he wanted to play with them or he'd stand there at the fence
    and watch them play. It really hurt to say no but I can't send him 
    to play with them when I know they try to hurt him on purpose. 
    Their parents know what's going on and they do discipline the
    boys but when they're not around or not looking the boys start
    up again. I feel bad for Josh and just don't know what to do,
    does anyone have any advice? Thanks

    Walt
    

    Why not invite the twins to your home to play and supervise them.
    We went through this.  It breaks your heart to see someone else's
    brats pick on your child.  Are you explaining to your child just
    why he can't play with the neighbors?  With them playing on your
    *turf* don't expect them to be angels either.  It just gives you
    a opportunity to supervise and play with your son on *your terms*.
    You gotta think of the long-term plan.  Do you plan on staying in
    your home for the next say five years?  Do your neighbors?  You
    can't keep them away because as they get older (and your son too)
    they will be in the same neighborhood and thus will be in eachother's
    company and probably unsupervised because of their age.  Thus, you
    should fix this now.  Perhaps it will come down to what we did.  They
    can play with child *A* but only at our home and in our yard.  Not
    in their home and you must always ask before you can play (this is
    so I know to pay attention to what is going on in their play).  What
    a pain in the neck and it is too bad that these boys live right next
    door.  Interestingly enough, my children usually stay away from child
    *A* and so does most of the rest of the neighborhood - now that they
    are old enough to understand rudeness.

    
    re-1
    
    Thanks for the reply. My wife and I decided the other day that Josh
    would not go into their yard to play at all. They could however
    come in our yard and play by our rules. (Which is what you also
    suggested.)  the other thning we are going to try to do is keep
    Josh busy when we are out playing. We bought a couple more outdoor
    type toys to keep him occupied and there is a park nearby that
    he likes to play in so we may take him there more often. He's
    actually played with some nice kids there. At least they dont throw
    things at him and knock him down. Thanks again.
    
    Walt

re: .8

An excellent solution.  The situation you describe has two big problems.  
One is that at age 2, the two years is HUGE difference.  They are twice as 
old as Josh is.  Second, twins are by nature a sort of primary group who 
develop their own rules.  It's tough to break into that group.  Ideally, Josh 
will start to meet and enjoy friends more nearly his age.  It may be more 
work for you for a while (for example, you may have to accompany him to the 
park, or have a friend over, or take him to someone's house) but in the long 
run that's a lot less worrisome than wondering if he's going to get pushed 
off a slide.

Clay  

    Our oldest boy is 3.  Last nite he asked us what "short" was.  We
    prompted him with a few questions as to why he asked and he said
    another boy in his preschool class told him yesterday that he was
    "short".  He is considerably smaller in height than most of his
    classmates and is built more like me (short) than his dad who's 6'3.
    He wanted to know why other kids in school weren't short like him and
    we explained that everyone is different and everyone grows differently.
    We certainly don't want him to become self conscious at such a young
    age.  Any suggestions on how to ensure he doesn't?  Wasn't sure if
    this belonged here.  I know this basenote was more about "meanness".
    I don't think this other boy intentionally meant anything but
    nonetheless it bothered our kid enough to be mentioning it 8 hours
    later.  Thanks.

    
    I think it also helps to point out other differences in other people
    you know .... why is 'short' bad, but 'tall' isn't?  
    
    You're short, Daddy's tall, Aunt Sarah is really skinny, Uncle Bob
    isn't, sister has long hair, brother has short hair, I have blue eyes,
    you have brown, my friend Joe is black, and Bill is white.... just
    things to open the awareness of all the differences in all different
    people.  It helps to de-empaphasize any negative feelings about their
    particular differences.  It's okay to notice differences - it's just
    not okay to be mean to someone about them.
    
    You have to be a little cautious, cuz when we went through this, a few
    times we'd be at a store or something, and one of the boys would notice
    a 'difference', and blurt it out "Mom!  He has a really BIG nose!"  And
    the first time Chris saw a black person, he wanted to know why she was
    'burnt'.  I tried to explain that they're of a difference race, and the
    only real difference is that their skin is darker than ours, but other
    than that, they're the same kind of people inside ... now he refers to
    blacks as 'dark-skinned'.  And interestingly, it only ever comes up if
    he's having trouble describing someone - the same as it'd come up if he
    said "She has blonde hair" ... "He's dark-skinned".  
    
    Would you be offended?
    

When I went to "parent lunch" at daycare a couple weeks
ago, Elise (almost 4) complained that Katie called her
a "redhead".  Katie was sitting there, and immediately
picked up on it - called Elise a redhead again, which
Elise tried to deny.  (This is impossible - she's
flaming red).

On the other hand, I'm a redhead too.  My response
surprised both of them - I said "I'm a redhead!  I
like my red hair. I think it's pretty."  (Which is
probably conceit, but so what, I like my hair color).

Elise immediately started telling me how her hair was
red, just like mine, and Katie started telling me how
she likes her blond hair.

So, maybe that kind of tactic will work with other
comments, like being short, or tall, or skinny or
fat, etc. After all, kids are just trying to get a
rise out of each other (I know Katie has been trying
to find another subject she can jerk Elise with, but
hasn't had much success so far).

Pat

    When Courtney was in kindergarten, she came home one day
    and told me how she had made 2 new friends, Julie and
    Kristen.
    
    When I asked how she came to meet them now and had not
    become friends with them earlier in the year, she
    responded,
    
    "Because they thought I was a witch because I have black
    hair."
    
    And Courtney thought that was perfectly understandable!
    
    Noc
    

    
    Jason's a redhead, and puts a quick stop to any teasing ....
    
    "Look at that red hair!"
    
    Jason: "It's not red, it's ORANGE!"
    
    Which is really is if you look at it ... (-:  For some reason that
    always seems to make the kids stop right there.

    Carrie called her strawberry blond hair "pink" for many years.  I still
    don't know where exactly that came from.  

How can a 7 year old stand up for himself?  What can he say or do that will
make a difference?

Five other children, most of them around 9 years old, have "been mean" to Evan
over the past few months.  He usually is vague when talking about it, not
going into detail to me or to his daycare provider (he is in a large center).
He told me this morning that one of the things the kids did was to make fun of
him because he liked Barney.  He has gotten to the point that he won't even
wear his Barney pajamas, which no one would see but the family.  

Kids his age have made fun of Evan, too.  For instance, in his first
T-ball game on Saturday, he hit the ball down the first base line, and of
course the first base person got it and Evan was out.  One of the members
of Evan's team made fun of him for not making it to first base.  Evan was
really broken up about this, and wants to quit T-ball. 

Evan is very sensitive to this "criticism".  He doesn't tend to stand up for
himself, and often breaks down crying.  I spoke with his daycare provider,
and she says she has spoken to those older kids until she was blue in the face.
She said that much of the teasing seems to take place on the bus before they
arrive at daycare.  Evan often gets off the bus *very* upset.

Now at least I know some of the problem, but I don't really know how to fix it.
I was also picked on when I was a young child, and I also didn't stand up
for myself much.  I thought about teaching him to tell the older kids, "Pick
on someone your own size!"  Would that work?  Is there something else he
could say that would help?

Surely there has to be someone in this file who either a) picked on a kid
who stood up for himself effectively, or b) was picked on and was able to 
stand up for himself and have that respected, or c) had a kid in one of
those circumstances.  I figure that I'll probably have to roleplay with him
whatever he's supposed to do, as I doubt that he would feel confident enough
to do it otherwise.  Any other suggestions????????

Please help.  

      Carol

    Carol,
    
    This is so aweful.  We have had similar type problems with Nathan.
    They seem to have ended lately.  He was getting picked on by older
    kids and would not stand up for himself.  Basically, we talked to 
    him about what was going on, what the others children's possible
    motivation could have been (sometimes people pick on others to make
    themselves feel good because someone has been/is being mean to them)
    and how he thinks he could best deal with it.
    
    These are the things that he came up with and it has been working:
    1.  Know who the bully's are and stay away from them
    2.  Become acquainted with the bully outside of the situation that
        the bullying occurs in (they are less likely to be mean to their
        friends)
    3.  Say, "I'm not afraid of you but I'm not going to fight you"
        and walk away.  (IMO "Pick on someone your own size" equates
        to "I'm weaker than you so don't hurt me" to the bully)
    
    This is all I can think of at the moment.  One thing that did 
    happen was that a bully was chasing Nathan.  Nathan said, "I'm
    not going to fight you"  The other kid said, "You must be chicken."
    Nathan, "I guess I am then"  The other kid walked away.  He got 
    his satisfaction, thinking he won this confrontation but Nathan
    knows that he did because he didn't have to fight the kid and
    he doesn't care if anyone calls him a name - we've discussed this
    a LOT in order to come to this point.
    
    I hope this helps.  Evan will need a lot of loving to get through
    this but once he does, he will feel much better about himself.
    Give him lots of hugs and let him know that it is THEIR problem
    not his that causes them to make fun.
    
    Pam

    My 5-year old David uses comedy to diffuse these types of situations.
    When someone calls him a 'baby', he begins to wail and cry, begging for
    a 'bubba' and complains that his diaper is wet.  The bullies start to
    laugh, everyone starts to laugh, and nobody gets punched.  If he gets
    called a chicken, he starts to run around clucking and flapping his
    wings. The bullies learned very quickly that he isn't going to get
    upset, and they go pick on someone else.  You'll have to do a lot of
    role-playing with him if you choose to teach him this method of
    diffusion. It takes a lot of confidence on the part of the child to
    turn these types of situations around in this manner.  I use it myself
    when he calls me a 'mean mommy'.  I say "Yes, I am. I'm going to lock 
    you in your room with all your toys and tons of candy and puppies and 
    kittens and a TV and movies, then I'm going to FORCE you to go to
    Disney World".  Soon he's giggling, and we can get on with whatever we
    were discussing without the anger.
    Sarah

    Oh Carol this is so hard - it just breaks your heart.  I haven;t yet
    had to deal with this but my oldest son, Matthew, is VERY sensitive
    and not at all agressive and I'm sure he too will be picked on in
    school.  One thing we've considered doing is getting him involved in
    Karate (or some variant there of) - NOT to use, necessarily, to
    protect himself but to give him confidence.  I have heard from several
    people whose children are learning karate that the kids gain alot of
    confidence in themselves, have a higher self-esteem, and then also if
    they are faced with a bully situation all they really need to do is 
    show some of their "moves" or make sure that it is "known" by other
    kids that he knows karate and the bullies will leave them alone.  I
    know that they are taught NOT to use Karate to fight and if they do
    they are kicked out of the class.  Anyway, it might be enough to give
    Evan additional confidence to stand up for himself.  Just a thought.
    Lila

    I agree with the last note.  While my kids don't do karate (formally
    anyway ;>) my friends sons take it and their self-esteem has improved
    dramatically!
    
    9 year olds are entering the "bully" stage and it's unfortunate that
    this group has decided to pick on Evan.  My oldest son had some
    problems when we first moved into our new neighborhood several years
    ago.  He would have been about the same age as Evan is now.  He had his
    bike taken away and pushed down a hill, told he couldn't walk in front
    of certain houses, etc.  Fortunately for him, his younger brother is
    much more assertive and made friends with these kids younger brothers. 
    I also made sure I was friendly to them and the problems pretty much
    went away.
    
    What really concerned me about your note is the T-ball treatment by his
    teammates.  While I know the OTHER team can get pretty rude sometimes,
    his coaches should be building a "one for all, all for one" attitude
    with Evan's team.  My youngest just started T-ball also and had his
    first game.  His coaches had the whole team giving encouragement to the
    batter and there was NO critisism by ANYONE.  (And this included one
    little girl who hit the ball, ran out on the field, picked UP the ball
    and when she heard us all telling her to RUN to first base, she threw
    the BALL there instead - oh for a video camera!)  I would DEFINITELY
    talk to Evan's coaches about this - it is completely NOT in the spirit
    of T-ball.  I would even go so far as to have him moved to another team
    if you don't get the feeling that the coaches "get it".  I would also
    point out to Evan that EVERYONE screws up in sports at times.  Maybe
    rent a video of Baseball Bloopers.
    
    Linda

    carol,
    
    There may be more opportunity for this where you live now, but rather
    than karate, how about Akido?  If it is taught properly it teaches you
    to use your assailant's (verbal, emotional or physical) own force to
    cause him or her to fall.  
    
    I also agree that it doesn't sound as if your t-ball teams's coaching
    staff is doing their job, but, then I have been dealing with Brownies
    for the last year, and we have been emphasizing team (troop)
    cohesiveness and goals, rather than individual goals.  We are
    constantly on the look-out for games where the winner is the team,
    rather than any one individual.  This is kind of tough when you are
    dealing with 6 strongly ego-centric 8-9 year-olds.
    
    meg

    Carol -- some of this could be because Evan is basically "the new kid
    on the block".  Most of these kids have been friends since pre-K, and
    now Evan comes in, brand-spanking new, not even from MAssachusetts! --
    and suddenly he's the brunt of everything.  Add to that the fact that
    he's a fragile [aren't they all!] 7 yr old and you've got a nasty
    situation.  I have friends with the toughest 8 yr old girl i've ever
    met, yet on moving to a new town, was coming home in tears everyday
    because she was "an outsider".  [The next year would have been better
    but they're moving back, for job reasons]
    
    I don't have an answer, except remembering what my mother told me and
    I'm trying to convey to my two: if someone's treating you badly, keep
    smiling.  It'll confuse them.  If you react then they've won.
    
    That T-ball coach sounds like a fool -- altho i just went thru this
    with my 11-yr old who was being harassed by 2 9-yr olds -- the coaches
    said they didn't see anything; i sat in and son of a gun i heard it
    too.  But it's worth a word or two just to feel like you've done
    something.
    
    It's tough.  and YOU have to keep smiling too -- the tears can come
    after they're asleep.
    
    
      sandy

Well, the T-ball coaches only had the kids for 1 practice before this
happened, and the problem occured toward the end of their first game.
Last night was another game.  At the end of the first game I went to one of
the adults in charge and explained the situation.  The coach had left early,
so I don't believe he was around when Evan was made fun of.  Yesterday, around
the beginning of the game, I spoke with the coach.  The adult I had spoken with
(assistant coach?) had not yet spoken to him about this.  So I explained the 
situation to the coach myself.  They then apparently spoke with the kids
because I noticed two things different this game: 1) they really encouraged the
kids to cheer for their teammates, and 2) the one time that a kid expressed
verbal displeasure at another kid's strike, the offending boy was hushed up
sharply and quickly by the third base coach.  I was impressed.  I didn't see
another problem. 

The coaches also reversed the lineup, and said they will switch it back and
forth every game.  This put Evan toward the beginning of the lineup instead of 
the end.  Being toward the end meant that he never got a chance at the first
game to run into home base.  This time he made it home twice.  All these things
together caused Evan to really enjoy the game, even though he still was out at 
first one time. 

As for the kids at daycare, they have not (to my knowledge) done anything
to physically threaten Evan.  It has all been verbal.  They make fun of him
for things.  As I mentioned, the one thing I knew of was that they made fun
of him, apparently repeatedly, for liking Barney.  Because it is all verbal,
I'm not sure how learning martial arts will really help.  Even with Aikido,
isn't the emphasis on protecting yourself more physical than verbal?
What do you say when you're 7 years old and a group of 9 year olds (or even
other 7 year olds) tell you that something that you like is just for babies
(insinuating that you're a baby if you like it)?  I like the clown approach,
and that come naturally :-} to Evan, but I don't know if that will help him
retain his self-esteem if his peers really do think he's a baby for something
he likes.  I'll suggest it to him as a possibility, though.

Before T-ball, not knowing what to expect, I had him practice phrases like
"Hey, I'm doing my *best*!" in a defiant tone of voice (not whining) and that
seemed to feel really good to him.  Are there phrases one can use that would
work like that when someone puts you down for your choice of TV/clothes/games,
etc?  Preferably a phrase that would *work* with other kids?  :-)

One last thing about daycare:  although the daycare provider seemed unable to
come up with any way to handle this when I spoke with her on the phone, when I
saw her last night she had really taken charge.  She told the kids they are on
a 3 strikes policy.  They are not to put anyone down about anything, and if it
gets to 3 strikes then she takes away the bag of Jolly Ranchers that she
normally gives to them.  Apparently, this made quite an impression on them. :-)
I look forward to seeing if it lasts, and if it helps the things that are
happening on the bus before the kids arrive at the center, too. 

      Carol

    Good news about the T-Ball....seems like the one coach knows the
    philosophy of this type of sport!  In Merrimack, NH where my son plays,
    they don't even call strikes, the kids get to stay at the plate til
    they hit something (there is a 1 3/4 hour limit to each game though!).
    For the first game they didn't even call outs at the bases, they just
    let each kid bat no matter how many outs.  This may change as the
    season progresses (at least it did with my older two).
    
    From what I understand, Martial arts (Karate, Tae Kwon do, etc.) is a
    whole philosophy, not just a physical thing.  It teaches self-control
    both physically AND mentally.  You're taught that you SHOULDN'T use the
    physical part of it unless you absolutely HAVE to.  You may want to
    check it out with some other parents in your area.  The age of 7 is
    supposed to be the ideal time to start this type of training.
    
    Looks like you're making progress....
    
    Linda

    Carol,
    
    the goal of akido, although it is a martial art, is never to need to
    use the physical part.  When things escalate to the physical realm, you
    have already failed somewhat.  
    
    meg

    Carol, my point as far as the karate is concerned was that the kids
    seem to gain the self-confidence needed to be able to stand up for 
    themselves and also be better at self-control as someone else
    mentioned.  My son gets his feelings hurt very easily and cries at the
    drop of a hat!! If he can learn to control his emotions and not cry as 
    well as having the confidence to stand up for himself, then it won;t be 
    any fun for the other kids to tease him since the "fun" is getting the 
    reaction (crying). Lila
    

Hi Carol,

I'm usually a read-only noter, but the situation with Evan
is enough to break a parents' heart.  

Recently I read an article about building self-esteem in your
child.  The article suggested using encouraging statements
rather than statements of praise.  For Evan's situation encouraging 
statements could be something like "That was quite a catch you
made in the 3rd inning", "Boy, I really liked the way you cheered
all your teammates on", or "What do you think of how you played 
today?"  As opposed to you words of praise such as "You're such
a good boy", "I'm proud of you".  The philosophy is to let your
child feel good about his actions or behaviors which in turn will
make him feel good about himself.  The good feelings he will have
about himself will come from *his* opinion of himself rather than
*your* opinion about him.  This in turn will build his self-
confidence.  Words of praise usually reflect the parents opinion 
of the child causing the child to look to the parent for approval.
It's a subtle difference, and I find myself having to think about
what I say.  I found I used praise statements a majority of the
time and I've really had to watch myself.  

Terry
                                               

    Terry -- 
    
    I went to a behavior management class recently and on area that was 
    covered was praise vs encouragement.  You summed it up very nicely. 
    Like you I found that I was giving more praise than encouragement and
    now that I am really working on this I notice how my children beam when
    I put the focus on them.
    
    Roberta

    This just breaks my heart.  I was picked on a lot when I was a kid --
    everything from my size (short) to my weight (heavy at the time), to
    my teeth (big and slightly buck), to  my hair (wavy then and hard to
    manage), to my clothes (hand-me-downs from my three older sisters!),
    even to the fact that I wear heavy, thick glasses (thank GOD for
    contact lenses!).  I don't look too much like that chubby, sad-faced
    little girl anymore, but when I hear about a kid suffering like that,
    and being criticized for everything they say and do, I just want to
    cry.  I really emphathize with Evan.  My older sisters made fun of
    me for having teddy bears, for liking certain records/musical groups,
    and everything else you can think of, to the point that I ended up
    throwing out virtually all of my childhood memorabilia (including a
    couple of baseball autographs that are now quite valuable.  Drat!)
    
    Anyway, we were taught to ignore people's taunts and stares.  HArd to
    do when someone grabs the hat off your head and throws it right in
    front of an oncoming streetcar.  I disagree with that approach, because
    it just turns all your anger inward.  
    
    I would continue to encourage Evan, to tell him that it's OK to like
    Barney if he chooses to do so, that he is OK the way he is.  You are
    doing a good job in keeping the lines of communication open.  Also,
    I am glad that you spoke to the coaches in T-ball.  I often wonder if
    my parents had spoken to the parents of some of the wiseguys who
    tormented my and my brother and sisters, maybe things would have been a
    lot different.  
    
    You might also point out -- my guess is that you probably already have --
    that people who do these things are often looking for the attention
    that theire parents should give them.  They put others down to build
    themselves up.  THis is a no-win situation for the kids.  They will 
    find themselves friendless after all.
    
    It will be many years before Evan can really pick up the cudgels in his
    own self-defense.  IT is a growing process.  I'm still not real good
    with people who criticize me, but at least now I know that I'm not
    entirely "to blame" for everything that has happened since Adam's fall.
    
    

    I leaaned the hard way that usually ignoring the bullies simply doesn't
    WORK!  It SOUNDS GOOD 'ignore them', but usually it doesn't work.
    Certainly ignoring them is better than crying or doing something 
    that sends the message 'I am bothered'. One must figure out how to
    mentally, or physically turn the tables on the bullies.
    
    In the case of a physically small child with low self-esteem this
    is no small feat because these kids tend to have few friends who
    should help back them up... so they tend to have to deal with it
    alone, as far as peers go.  Thats why the parents must try and fill
    in the self-esteem gaps.
    
    The whole situation is not easy at all.
    
    Jeff

    I wonder if simply ignoring the bullies will cause them to escalate to
    actual physical violence?  I know some adults who get VERY ticked off
    if you fail to rise to their bait.  Do kids react the same?  If the
    'pickee' doesn't show some kind of reaction, will he/she end up with a
    push or a black eye?  What's the goal here; to avoid being injured
    physically, to avoid being injured psychologically, or to learn to
    handle these types of people (because they certainly don't go away the
    older the dhild gets!!)?  Such a huge burden for such a little man : (
    Sarah

    My son told me a story of what happened to him yesterday:
    
    A boy at the bus stop said to him, "You're such a nerd."
    Nathan said back, "I know you're only saying that because you
    feel bad about yourself and I feel sorry for you."
    The other boy, "OK"  and he walked away!
    
    Pam

    
    
       Good for him! I went to a self-defense course Monday and even though
    it talked about adult attackers and abusers, I'm sure they learned
    these things as children.
    
       They scope out the victim. If the victim is in fact a "good victim"
    the abuse will continue at the attackers will. But, if the "victim"
    says anything or does anything that proves that he or she is not going
    to play "victim" the attacker or abusive person will move on to another
    victim. Sounds like Nathan learned a lesson on how not to be a
    "victim". It's also an important lesson to learn that you don't have
    to "fight" or "argue" or "defend" the fact that he's not a nerd. As
    long as he knows he's not a nerd. The important lesson is to learn
    how to "stop" the abuse before it escalates.
    
        Good job on his part.
    
         Rosie