Conference moira::parenting

>    you know, just like your backyard!  But, unless we tell her to go
>    outside and play, she will just sit in a chair or follow us around the

How long have you let her "just sit"?  Our 3 year old has the same sort
of problem (not just sitting, but wanting mom & dad to always entertain).
We've had variable success in getting him to play by himself, but he
actually can.  It usually takes some firm ignorning from us.  "Go find
something to do!"  We don't do this too him often, but he does need to
play without us, so we do get insistant that he do something on his own.

Charlie

    
    This may be simplifying things and you might have already tried this
    route, but you could put the ball in her court and ask her to make the
    decision.
    
    "We are going to <whatever it is that Mum & Dad have to do>, 
    What are you going to do today?..."
    
    Of course this leaves you open for an "I don't know" response which
    you'd need to overcome...perhaps start by giving her a few choices and
    asking what she'd like to do from that list.
    
    I guess we've been quite lucky, for the main part Kathryn makes the
    decision and then asks us if she can do it - the problems start when its
    something we don't want her to do!! :-)
    
    Jackie.  
    

    Thanks for the responses so far.  Keep 'em coming!
    
    If we let her sit, it's not for long since one of us will acknowledge
    her and "help her find something to do".  Exactly wha we want to
    discourage.
    
    Here's the goal:
    
      She comes home at night - and clearly states, "I'll be outside; call
    me when dinner is ready!"
      We finish dinner; she says "I'm going out to ride my bike a while.
    Come find me when it's time for a snack."
    
    Just those types of comments would be music to our ears.
    
    -Patty

    I feel strongly about modeling the behavior I would like to see!
    
    Have you considered talking aloud yourself to show her you
    don't always know what to do next?  Something like "gee, I have
    a few spare minutes here, what would I like to do, get a cup of
    coffee or go outside and pull up some weeds; I think I'll go outside?"
    
    My daughter is an expert an entertaining herself (and often her
    brother) but sometimes needs a little (15 minutes) of my attention
    to set her up with a craft or something that can keep her happy
    and occupied for an hour or more while I'm busy.
    
    Being self-directed is an important skill; don't give up!
    
    Tara

    Tara,
    
    Thank you!  "Self-directed" is EXACTLY the term we are looking for.
    
    My husband encourages our daughter to think for herself, be her own
    person - stand up for herself.  That's why we are looking for tactics
    to encourage her to occupy her time.  Granted, we spend lots and lots
    of time with her and then suddenly, we need a break/breather but still
    want her to stay occupied.  
    
    I also like the proposal of thinking out loud.  I'm going to give
    that a try tonight.
    
    We spent the week-end talking about this with her.  The good news is
    that this morning she woke up early {too early  ;-) so she turned
    the light on in her bedroom and played with her Barbies' until
    the rest of the house was up.  That's a great start!
    
    -Patty

    Patty, 
    
    Sometimes there are too many choices of things to do and it overwhelms
    kids.  If we put away some toys and rotate them, the toys are more
    appealing and the kids tend to want to play with them without
    parental encouragement and direction. It does drive me nuts when I
    hear, "But what can I do?" when there are so many fun things that we
    see as dollar bills floating to the sky.
    
    Also, as you son gets a little older, they will play together a lot
    more.  Thomas is 25 months and he and Gina, who is 6, play together a
    lot.  Of course, that leads to all sorts of other problems many times,
    but they can entertain each other nicely and play well together. 
    I've been told the boy/girl combination is less competitive and it
    seems to be so.  Plus, my daughter, who tends to be opinionated and
    somewhat bossy, can easily boss around her brother.  I wonder how much
    longer that will last!
    
    And let's face facts, it just isn't as much fun to ride by yourself and
    shoot hoops by yourself.  It may get better when she enters first grade
    because she will probably meet more kids nearby and playdates will be
    easier to arrange.
    
    I'm not giving much advice here, but I do hear you.  I really like it
    when my daughter, who is very creative and artistic, just gets out her
    stuff and makes things without me suggesting ideas every 5 minutes.
    
    judy
    

    Judy,
    
     It's funny; Kris likes to play with Alex but has to play with "baby"
    toys because that's all that's out in sight to play with.  All of
    Kristen's older toys are stored in her room to keep Alex from harm.
    I'm sure that's not helping the situation.
    
     Last night went extremely well.  Kris was very helpful and she played
    in her room with Pogs for about 20 minutes while we were getting dinner
    ready.  That worked out well especially since Alex was in an incredibly
    crabby mood and we could focus on him.  
    
     We do circulate toys but could do even more.  That would accomplish
    two things; we could finally finish that spring cleaning and also 
    get items ready to donate that she doesn't use.
    
     Thanks for replying - when are we going to Water Country???
    
    -Patty

It's possible that there is either too many choices and she can't
decide what to do or that, as you note, her toys are separated so that
it's an out of site/out of mind thing?  Maybe together you could make a
card file of sorts w/ word/pictures of things that she likes to do. I have a
friend that works up a 'summer to-do' list w/ her kids; there's no reason
you couldn't do this for "family" stuff, "singular" stuff, or "w/ a friend" stuff.

Chris used to have trouble entertaining himself - but then we realized that,
as the oldest, he had only ever really learned how to play with adults, and 
not other kids.  He just plain didn't know how other kids played when they 
were alone.  Even a few weeks ago (and he's 11 now!), he saw someone play 
acting a car accident, complete with injuries and thought that was pretty 
cool.  He's got a great imagination, he just doesn't always use it.  And I 
guess I never really SHOWED him how to play - just assumed he knew how.

With 3 kids over 2, they always have a playmate.  A lot of times they do 
crafts or artsy stuff.  Lots of toys/sports stuff.  I think that they do get 
overwhelmed from having too much stuff, and find that if I dig out a box of 
"old" toys (even if they're for a much younger age), they're excited all over 
again, and entertained for hours.  

Constructive things seem best suited for playing alone - leggos, lincoln logs 
- but you have to kick start them a lot of the time too.  

And besides - so what if she just sits there??  If she's structured all day, 
maybe just sitting there is enjoyable to her ... I know I like to imitate a 
lump! (-:  She can learn a lot from sitting on a stool watching you make 
dinner.  Hand her a stack of plates, and let her help set the table.  Let her 
care for her brother .... maybe she'd rather be interacting with the family 
than just playing ??

-Patty