Conference moira::parenting

    
    I have not been in your situation but I do have a clingy mother. What I 
    have found is that she needs reassurance and regularity.
    
    Maybe as you go through your stuff you can ask her if it is ok to leave
    some things for when your daughter comes to play...maybe even to sleep
    over. My mother is just delighted to have some toys in her living room;
    it is her assurance that the kids are coming back. Of course, you have
    to follow through and visit very regularly as she will have to be
    weaned.
    
    My 82 year old mother who has nurses and aids come in to help take care
    of her still says crazy things like she wishes we lived upstairs so my
    4 year old wouldn't have to go to day care !
    
    Good luck. 

    I like .1's suggestion.  Personally, I would probably fly off the
    handle and tell the MIL off [and that would backfire, and I'd get
    what I deserve... :-) ]  But maybe you could:
    
    Take advantage of a quiet time (when hubby and daughter aren't around,
    and MIL seems reasonable) to ask if you could have a little talk.  Then
    start off with your fear that you haven't expressed as well as you'd
    like to, your appreciation for all she's done for you over the 7 years. 
    Next you could ask the favor of leaving some stuff at her house (I
    think .1 is right, MIL should be delighted at that).  *Then* you could
    acknowledge the stress everyone's going through but emphasize that MIL
    *WILL NOT* fight about the move in front of your daughter.  You'll
    argue with her if necessary, and hubby can argue with her if he wants
    to, but *not in front of your daughter.*  And if she does.... you'll
    have to explain MIL's behavior as [mumblesomething] - fill in the
    blank, maybe "Grandma is sick and not thinking correctly" (which IMO 
    might not be far from the truth!).
    
    YMMV,
    Leslie

    I keep my Mom involved in our daughters' lives by asking (and
    receiving) help with logistics: driving our daughter to/from nursery
    school, friends' parties, play dates, etc during work days.  It
    benefits me greatly by reducing my stress and headaches in organizing
    our days, keeps the kids involved in friends' lives, I don't have to
    always turn down invitations just because we're at work.  Most of
    all she loves it!  I offer regularly to drop her responsibility, more
    from avoiding overload on her, or taking advantage, she won't hear of
    it.
    
    Further, we regularly schedule sleep-over babysitting.  The kids just
    love Nana's house, have their own bedroom with their own things there,
    not only helps with packing but gives them their own place, and my
    Mom brags to her friends about all her granddaughters' stuff in
    her house.
    
    Lastly, Katie (4 1/2) regularly asks Nana to do things with her, for
    example when "Lion King" came out with the intro to "Pochahantas"
    she asked Nana to take her, 4 months in advance of course, but
    Nana has already planned their outing.  
    
    I know this would never take the place of day-to-day growing up
    with your kid(s), but in my case, my Mom knows she'll see the
    kids regularly.  In fact, with school ending, she has already asked
    for scheduled time with our kids, JUST FINE with me!!!!
    
    Good luck, this is a hard one.
    Maryanne 

    When I was pregnant w/ my first, my MIL suggested that she could take
    care of the baby for 1 day/week. Well, since then I've had another
    child and have continued the situation w/ my in-laws. Both kids love to
    see their Grammie and Grampie w/o Mom or Dad in the picture...
    
    Helps out in so many ways; Kids/Grandparents get a good stretch of time
    to bond, daycare costs are less, the fact that we share child rearing
    means we have lots of conversations on development, events, activities,
    (ensure the in-laws are very in-the-know about their grandkids!) etc. 
    
    Like a previous noter, I ensure I check w/ my in-laws as regards their 
    wanting to continue the arrangement;I want to make sure it's working 
    for everyone! Several weeks/year, my in-laws want or need to get away,
    so I arrange for daycare for those Thursdays...Keeps things like new!
                                                                     
    Maybe you could ask your in-laws in something like this would work for
    them, if you think it's the grandchild that she'll be missing most; It
    occurs to me that you and your hubby might also be missed....Maybe you
    should talk about ways to keep in touch as adults, too?
    

    Thanks for all the responses, both in the notes conference and
    off-line.  I'm going to take them all in and see what happens. 
    
    Couple other notes, my mil is 75 years old and doesn't drive, now will
    she keep Lindsey for an extended period of time, she says she doesn't
    trust herself. 
    
    As for the toy idea, my mil never got out of kids, her house is still
    loaded "for the grand children."  She has stuff around from when her
    kids, now in their 30s, were kids so there is no want for toys. 
    
    We are leaving behind a swingset and a sand box.  This guarantees that
    we will be visiting.  
    
    Thanks again,
    Lisa

    I'm sure there are lots of toys but you want her to keep some in
    addition because it is your way of assuring her. The toyus in her house
    don't count...not does the swing set which is too big to move.
    
    Trust a little...you're angry and stressed; she's behaving like a
    child; someone has to be the adult; my mom is 82....I don't remember
    when she last was the adult.

    Re:  last....
    
    My mom is 84 - I know EXACTLY what you mean about not remembering the
    last time she was an adult!
    
    Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!
    
    Linda 

    Since my daughter's birth (over a year ago), my mom has been very
    involved in her growth/development - especially in the earlier months,
    because I spent time at my parents home while we were in the middle of
    relocating (for my husband's job).  
    
    Recently my parents went on a 3-week vacation, and my husband and I
    finally sought out (and received tremendous reponse for) babysitters. 
    We now have a 17-yr old girl coming to our house several days a week,
    giving us the extra time that we need for working at home, errands,
    appointments, etc.  
    
    While my mom encouraged us to have someone come to the house, I
    realized afterwards that she thought that the girl was going to
    "replace" her. She made a comment to the effect "well now that you have
    someone else helping you, your dad and I have other things that we can
    do to take up our days".  I realized that she thought that we wouldn't
    need her any more, and that she wouldn't get to see my daughter that
    often.
    
    My daughter is her only grandchild, and when I realized what she was
    really feeling/thinking, I tried to assure her otherwise.  I told her
    that the babysitter was just for short (2-4 hour) errands, and that we
    would still need her to help, that the baby would still stay over/sleep
    over her house, etc. just as often.   Since your mother-in-law is hesitant about
    taking care of your child alone, you might ask her to come to your house
    (offer to pick her up/take her home) just as often, so that she won't
    "miss" anything.  I know from talking to my own mom that "little talks"
    and "explanations" don't go far at all ... she just needs to be
    reassured that she's going to see just as much of your child now as she
    did when you lived there.  Maybe set up a schedule in advance of when
    you're going to need her help (e.g., can she watch her for 2 days while
    you're moving, etc.) to make her feel as though she's still a part of
    things.
    
    Good luck!