Conference moira::parenting

    Hmm, 14 months is an age where a lot of kids are strange, even
    with those nearest and dearest.  Here are some things to consider?
    
    . Is he cutting teeth?  He may be feeling rotten and want Mommy
      to cuddle him.
    
    . Does your husband do a lot of his day-to-day care, or is he not
      around very much, because of work, etc.?
    
    . Most kids go through a phase when only one parent (or parent-
      substitute) will do.
    
    This is a very painful situation.  In my case, both my kids prefer
    my husband to me.  I wouldn't be surprised if your son outgrew it
    within a few months, but you might want to call your pedi and
    double-check.
    
    Good luck.

    
    My 7-month-old is doing the same thing recently.  When her Father holds
    her, she looks for me and crys "da da da da" with big tears.  It
    wasn't like this a month ago.  
    

    My daughter (22 months) was the same way for awhile.  I think it is a
    common stage.
    
    One thing I will recommend:  Try to get your husband to assume some
    regular responsibility for Matthew.  Then they will grow closer.  
    
    My husband also doesn't like to bathe my daughter.  This is how we
    worked things out.  I told him I was tired of doing both daycare
    dropoff and pickup, that I was just plain tired, that I wanted to leave
    for work before my daughter was awake, and that he would get closer to
    her if he'd take care of her in the morning.
    
    So now he does full morning duty, including dropping her off.  I bathe
    her at night, which lets him see friends, take classes, and conduct his
    business when necessary.  He HATES changing poopy diapers and rarely
    has that chore in the morning.
    
    She feels very affectionate to him now.  You may show this note to your
    husband if you'd like.  
    
    L

    All our kids have at one time or another rejected or preferred one
    parent or the other.  And Steven went through a stage of always
    wanting to go his sitter because she had more toys...
    
    --bonnie

    My husband also suffered this rejection.  It really tore at my heart
    strings.  It's pretty much over now, but I was always convinced that it
    was because he tried to snuggle up to them with facial stubble.  Many
    men don't realize that this can feel worse than sandpaper.  Dave denied
    that this was the problem, but I still think it was (and is), and that 
    the kids have just learned to live with it.
    
    - cj

    RE: a few
    
    I too had that experience with my two.  They were jumping all over with
    anticipation that "daddy is home!!" until...  I entered the door! 
    Then, I wasn't of any use at all.  I took it as a phase, telling my
    wife that I'll get even when allowance time comes...
    
    dan

    My situation is the other way around for a variety of reasons.
    
    When my wife became pregnant, I was in a well paid position (not
    Digital I hasten to add ;-)) and she worked part-time for the same
    company as myself. My daughter was subsequently born and my wife was
    quite happy with her at home - until I was made redundant.
    Unfortunately, I didn't find alternative employment straight away and
    so Amanda (my wife) was then forced to work full-time for the Company
    that had made me redundant - resentment or what!!
    
    I spent the next 8 months bringing up our daughter (Amy) basically on
    my own as Amanda was leaving the house at 8am and coming home at about
    6.30pm. Amy really bonded to me but didn't really know Amanda.
    
    When I joined DEC my salary wasn't as much as it had been at my
    previous job, so Amanda had to, and still does, work full-time at the
    same place. Amy now goes to a minder all day.
    
    She is now nearly 3 and the respective relationships have, more or
    less, leveled out - but I would say that Amy would be more inclined to
    come to me if she had a problem.
    
    At the moment we are going through the "I don't love you any more" bit,
    which initially caused my wife a real problem as she takes any type of
    rejection very seriously and gets upset, whereas I basically laugh it off
    and say that I don't love her either (Amy not Amanda) - it's amazing how 
    quickly her tune changes!!
    
    It certainly doesn't help if one parent is out of the house/away from
    the child for longer than is necessary and, personnaly, seeing and
    being with a child growing up is a better tonic than playing golf all
    the time - although I agree that each parent does need some time to
    themselves but it has to work both ways.
    
    Dave

    I think this is just a phase and don't take it too seriously.
    Both my kids have gone through phases like this.  There are
    times that they only want me and there are times that they
    only want their daddy.  In general, my son has always more
    attached to me and my daugher is daddy's girl ever since she
    was born.  My husband has a busy schedule.  Both kids spend
    most of their time with me.  However, this doesn't seem to
    affect my daugher at all.  Currently, they are in a reverse
    stage.  Eric looks for his daddy the moment he is home and
    Monica wants to be held by me constantly.
    
    Wendy

    
    It took my daughter much longer to accept me than my son.
    
    When my wife would run an errand, my daughter would cry by the door
    the whole time until mommy came back which hurt me feelings (and my
    ears).
    
    Then one fateful day, I had to change her diaper. Since then we have
    been pals. My wife said that my daughter must have realized that I was
    at least capable of taking care of her.
    
    Guy
         

    I am starting to realize that Paul, at 8 months, is starting to prefer
    Daddy to me and its killing me.  
    
    I spend the first three months home with Paul and then Keith took two
    months to care for him so we both had equal time with him before he
    went to a sitter.  
    
    The last month or so Keith has not had alot of time to devote to Paul so 
    I started tactfully suggesting that he spend more time with him.  Did I
    make a mistake because now Paul wants Daddy all the time.  To make
    matters worse, Keith has begun to put Paul asleep and will hold him all
    night in our bed and this is making me dry out and not nurse anymore. 
    Nursing is a very important thing to me and although Paul only nurses
    at nighttime for 10 minutes I was not ready to give it up and I don't
    think that Paul would of either if he knew that he could have me
    instead of a bottle or just cuddling with my husband.  Keith tells me
    that he is "past" the nursing stage and should not be given a "boob" to
    go to sleep.  On the other hand, he doesn't agree that Paul should not
    be held all night, in our bed no less.  I had just gotten him used to
    sleeping in the new crib and now he cries if/when he wakes up because
    he knows that Daddy will come and take him out and hold him all night. 
    Doesn't make much time for me and I'm starting to feel it.
    
    I am very hurt over all of this but I don't want my husband to 
    misunderstand my feelings.    
    
    Any advice?
    
    cj
                                

    cj,
    
    i often go through some of this because Frank is home full time with
    Atlehi.  She goes up and down on wanting to nurse at night or just to
    cuddle and who she will turn to at night.  By mutual consent we keep
    our babies in bed with us until they wean, but that is a different
    story, and subject to how a family feels. 
    
    I don't think Paul is too old for the boob, but I do know babies go
    through different demands for nursing as they get older.  
    
    Maybe what you need to explain to Kieth is that working full time you
    really need some time to nurse Paul, just to reestablish your
    relationship after a day away from him.  Explain that you need it
    because it is the one thing no one else can do for Paul.  After you and
    Paul have some quiet time, then turn him over to kieth for some play
    and swap back and forth through the evening.  If Kieth wants Paul in
    bed to cuddle, ask about nursing him when he wakes up in the night.  We
    keep Atlehi in between us and work in our time when she goes into her
    soundest sleep times.  
    
    Monday lunchtime is the hardest fro me FWIW.  Frank still brings Atlehi
    in to work for lunch and a lot of times the little bird is still so
    peeved at me that she will nurse for 5 minutes and then clamber down
    and crawl over to Papa and the heck with me.  frank has noticed that
    over the weekend Atlehi prefers me and will not voluntarily wander over
    to him.  Kids, they are a riot aren't they.
    
    meg

    I should make myself clear on some of these issues. 
    
    First of all, Paul does sleep through the night.  His crib is so close
    to our bed though that if he whimpers at all, Keith jumps.  Usually he
    just wants his pacifier or blankets pulled up and when I was closest to
    the crib I could fix his problem without him waking up fully and he
    would go back to sleep.  
    
    He nurses around 7:30 p.m. before going to bed.  He does not nurse in
    the middle of the night.
    
    He also doesn't "need" a "boob" (as my husband so nicely puts it) or a
    bottle or a pacifier.  Usually some cuddlin' will do it for him.
    
    There, alittle more history... in case you were wondering..
    cj
    

	Can't really add much to Meg's advice re: bedtime, except to
	say that Emily gave up her evening nursing before any other,
	all on her own (5 or 6 months).

	As for Paul preferring Keith - he's at about the same age that
	Emily started preferring Daddy.  She's never really changed (still
	prefers Daddy, and more often says "Daddy do it" than Mommy) at
	2 years of age.  It has it's plus and minuses, like the other
	day when she needed a new diaper, and insisted "Daddy do it!" ;-)

	I noticed that after my recent maternity leave, though she still
	favors Daddy, she needs to know where I am, and does ask to 
	see Mommy every morning when Daddy gets her up (He's in charge
	of bedtime and morning, which suits me fine).  

	It bothered me a bit at first, but I know Emily adores me, and
	we have lots of fun together.  Neither parent gets just play
	time or just the jobs - we split it up pretty equally, which uses
	Emily's favoring of Daddy to an advantage.

	Right now, Andrew favors anybody who will talk to him or feed him ;-)

	Karen

	PS - Our sitter thinks it's funny that everyday when she changes 
	Emily's diaper for the last time, right before we arrive, Emily
	says "Daddy's coming ?" - no mention of Mom... when we do arrive,
	she flies right by me into Daddy's arms, but turns to me right
	after she gets her hug from Daddy...

    I remember this from my first two, and how much it hurt that suddenly I
    wasn't the "wanted" one.
    
    But now, reading these replies, and Jonathan's 9 mos old ... his
    daddy's hardly ever around, and it hurts to know that this ISN'T a
    phase he'll go through.  If anything these days, he wants less of
    Daddy, and he only wants me ... it gets tiring, but it sure feels great
    when I want to feel needed.  
    
    

	Well CJ, I guess I spoke too soon about adjusting to
	Emily preferring Daddy.

	She was sick with croup all weekend, and by Sunday morning
	I was in tears because she wouldn't let me near her to help,
	even to hug her.

	All night Saturday night, whenever she awoke, she insisted on
	having Daddy (hold her, get her juice, give her a steam-bath).
	I tried several times, but finally gave up when she hit me and
	tried to climb out of my arms.  

	I felt quite helpless...

	Karen

I'm sorry, Karen.  I know it hurts.

    Carol

    This has probably already been discussed and if so, please point me in
    the right direction because I didn't find anything relevant. 
    
    My 2 year old daughter has decided that she doesn't like Daddy anymore. 
    She won't let him get her dressed or change her diaper or help her with
    her dinner.  It has to be Mom.  If mom leaves the room, she screams. 
    Has anyone else run in to this?  How do you make dad still feel loved? 
    Is this a phase they go through?  It seems to vary.  Some days she will
    let him help, others she will have nothing to do with him.  HELP!!  Dad
    is starting to feel bad. 
     
    I know there was an article a couple of months ago in one of the
    Parents magazines, but I can't find it.    
    
    Thanks,
    Lisa Cozzens

    
    lisa,
    
    it is a phase.

>    Dad is starting to feel bad. 

My sympathies to Dad.  When this happened to me, I couldn't believe how bad a 
two (or however old they were) year old could make me feel.

And, if you're like us, it's no consolation to you, because you, as the 
"favored" parent has to do EVERYTHING.

I agree that in the vast majority of cases, it's a phase, and that the 
rejected parent did nothing wrong.  In our case, we did some forcing of the 
issue, like "If you want a bedtime story, Dad will do it.  Otherwise, you 
must go directly to bed"  Sometimes she (our daughter did it more than our 
son did) would settle for that.

Sometimes, it wasn't as pronounced if mommy wasn't available AT ALL.  For 
example, if she KNEW that mommy was in the next room, or downstairs, she 
would insist that mommy do whatever; if she knew mommy wasn't around at all, 
then I could change her diaper, or whatever.

It was ALWAYS most pronounced when she was tired.  Mornings (after a good 
night's sleep) were rarely a problem; just before bedtime (especially if it 
was later than usual, an unusually busy day) were the worst.

Clay

    I remember reading the article. It talked about being firm on
    some things in saying that Mom and Dad take turns. For instance
    in our house they always want me to read at bedtime but we've been
    firm in saying that we take turns because Dad wants to read with
    them too. Most of the time it works.
    

    I've also noticed that it happens more when they're tired or sick. Then
    it's just Mom they want, and they won't take anything from Dad.  In our
    case, we attribute some of it to the fact that they only see their
    father on Wednesdays and weekends [hubby has been working out of state,
    and we've been on this wacky schedule for a year -- should end next
    week, thank God].  In general, if it's not a big deal, then the
    requested parent [it's usually me] does whatever.  But if I'm in the
    middle of something, then Dad just does it.  The kids may complain a
    little, but they like the attention no matter where it comes from.
    
    Some things, like bedtime, we've found go much smoother if I do it,
    especially with the problems we've had with Brad staying in bed, so I
    just do it.  I think it's just a phase, but we're still in it, and the
    kids are 3 years old.

Well, okay... it just feels like years.

But I'm the "favored" parent.  And it's fine if I'm physically absent, but
if I'm around, Noelle wants me to do everything.  She's 2 1/4 now, and it
appears to be easing up very gradually.  One thing that seems to help with
us is to tell Noelle what's going to happen before it does, and to give
her some concentrated 1-1 time with me.  For instance, I am the cook and
can't be concentrating on her when I'm making dinner.  So, when I get home
from work, I let her choose the activity and give her my undivided attention.
But, before we start her chosen activity, I tell her that Mommy needs to
make dinner soon and that we'll <insert activity here> and then Mommy will
make dinner.  Shortly before the activity ends, I remind her that Mommy will
be making dinner very soon.  When the activity is over, she might briefly
protest that she wants Mommy to do something else.  That's when I tell her she
can ask Daddy.  This did not work initially, but is having an effect now.

It's definitely hard on the unfavored parent too.

Some other things that may have helped to ease the situation was to plan
some 1-1 time for Noelle & Dad.  When Noelle needed a night-light, she
and Dad went to the store together leaving Mom at home.  And when I take my
morning shower on the weekend, Dad takes Noelle outside for some playtime.

Hope somebody finds this useful (and I'll be reading each reply hoping to pick
up some additional tips!)

    Sarah is almost 2.5 and we've gone through this several times.  For the
    most part, I am the favored parent, but I assume that's because I spend
    most of my time with her since dad has a demanding work schedule and is
    in school 2 nights a week.
    
    What I've tried to do is talk up spending time with daddy.  When I pick
    her up at school (daycare) we talk about her day, etc.  If she says she
    played with playdoh I'll say, "Gee, daddy makes great playdoh whatever,
    I bet if you asked him he'd make one for you." or "That's daddy's
    favorite story, too, I bet he'd love it if you read it to him."  It all
    depends on her mood and how they've been interacting lately.  I figure
    it can't hurt to keep the image of daddy and fun things in her head, so
    when it's d&d time (daddy & daughter) she might think of the fun things
    we've talked about and let mom do her thing for a while.
    
    Susan

    
    I have the same problem with my 2 year old, Haley.  I have to do 
    EVERYTHING.....  If her father or sister try to do anything for her
    they get a "No, mummy do it!".  One time she closed herself in her
    bedroom and couldn't get the door open herself.  Breanne opened the
    door for her and Haley closed it again saying "NO, mummy do it!"
    
    I find that if she spends some time alone with dad she's much more
    willing to let him do things for her.  It's also much worse if she's
    tired.
    
    I feel really bad for my husband.  I know exactly how it feels, my
    first daughter was a daddy's girl and I was the one left out.  It 
    really hurts!
    
    Lisa - just keep encouraging her to let daddy do it!  Hopefully this
    will pass soon!
    
    Kirsten
    

Shruthi (19months old) does the ' I want mommy' routine at bedtime!  My husband
takes care of her during the mornings and I take care of her in the evenings. 
He is pretty involved with her..plays with her as soon as he gets home..gives
her a bath if I am busy cooking etc..but still she seems to prefer mommy!  This
is more pronounced at bedtime..she wants mommy to do everything!

It is really bad when she happens to wake up in the middle of the night ( of
late this has been happening a little too often!)...she screams and screams even
if he is there to calm her down...she quietens down in an minute or two if I am
around. This happened for the past two nights and has him really frustrated and
angry! 

It is really an uncomfortable situation for all of us!  I would love to hear
what the others did to ease these problems!

--CR.

    CR,
    
    Just live it through is about all I can say.  Atlehi has decided papa
    is the favored parent.   I can't do much of anything for her, except
    nurse her right now.  However, it has its advantages.  She tracks him
    down when her  diaper needs changing ;-)  She doesn't want me to change
    her at all right now.  
    
    meg

>    I can't do much of anything for her, except
>    nurse her right now.  However, it has its advantages.  She tracks him
>    down when her  diaper needs changing ;-)  She doesn't want me to change
>    her at all right now.  

Of course another advantage is that your husband -- I assume -- cannot nurse 
her.

Clay   ;^)

	I'm the mother of a 2.5 year old Daddy's girl.  Like Meg,
	I find it works out nicely at diaper time.

	We've never put a lot of effort into changing things.  However,
	I do make sure I spend lots of fun time with her and acknowledge
	her even when she doesn't acknowledge me.

	Things are a bit better since my maternity leave this past spring,
	which allowed Emily and I to spend 14 weeks together.  Also,
	when I'm off on Fridays, I try to include one fun thing that is
	specially designed for Emily (usually lunch at Chuck E. Cheese
	with a friend/relative or feeding the ducks or a trip to the
	playground).

	My husband does his part by always including me even when Emily
	picks him (ex. if he's reading her a story, he invites me to come
	sit with them on the couch).

	Lately I'm finding that she will go back to bed more readily
	when I go to her than when her Dad does.  It seems to me that
	when Daddy goes to her, she thinks "Oh goody" and tries to get
	him to stay, versus when I go and she thinks, "ho hum, it's just
	mom" ;-)

	I just figured daughters are supposed to be like this with their
	mom's.  Besides, Andrew lights up when I enter the room ;-)

	Karen

My daughter Nicola 5 3/4 has only just started letting her father do anything for 
her.  When she was a baby and I was working full time (which I still am), he used 
to do his best to pacify her in the night.  She would cry and cry until she was 
sick and would only stop crying when I dragged myself out of bed.  I also have two 
other children who were fine as they are older.  Even when she started school in 
September 93, she would throw a tantrum in the school playground if it wasn't me 
that picked her up. (Dad used to feel bad as everybody glared at him) I was almost 
a physical and mental wreck.  The situation eased this year when we had a four wek 
holiday in the USA and we all spent a lot of time with each other on an equal 
basis.  I must say that I do feel releif now that she knows that there is sombody 
just as good at doing things for her.  Hopefully your problem will take a lot 
shorter time to resolve.

Jean

    I went through it with my 2 older boys, and am in the midst of it with
    Jonathan (13 mos).  It's AWFUL!!!!  Jonathan wants me for EVERYTHING
    (which I would expect since Dad doesn't live with us), but even when
    Dad is around, he still wants me to do EVERYTHING for him.  
    
    With the other 2 boys, they both went through definite stages, where
    sometimes they'd want nothing to do with me, and other times they'd
    want nothing to do with Dad.  It really hurts, and the best advice I'd
    have to the non-preferred parent, is to try to help them understand
    it's really just temporary, and to ENJOY the time to themselves.  As
    the preferred parent, TRY to understand that pretty soon they'll
    probably want nothing to do with you, and enjoy the attention they
    crave from you.
    
    And when it's all too much .... just leave.  Jonathan will let Dad do
    anything if I'm not there to do it.  So, if it's time for something
    that I'm too tired or don't have the time to do, I kind of "disappear"
    and then Dad does it, and everyone's happy.  And it makes it a little
    nicer to see Jonathan again after I've had a 'break' from him! (-:
    
    Good Luck!
    Patty

    Alyssa has been in one of the moods for the past few days.  It is very
    tiring on her, daddy, and I.  She wasn't taking her naps, she was
    waking up a few times during the night, basically always crying.  
    She is usually never like this.  After an entire weekend of her behavoir, 
    I was ready to have myself committed (lack of sleep can do that to a
    person).  Well this "stage" is past but it lasted for like 4 days/nights. 
    
    Someone mentioned to me that if a child is going through a growth
    spurt, a developmental milestone (i.e., just learning to walk, talk),
    change in their routine, etc., they can go through these kinds of
    "stages".  I don't know what is going on inside her little mind, shes
    been walking for well over 2 months, and she talks about the same.  Who
    knows?
    
    On a related topic, when Alyssa is sick she only wants MUMMA.  
    Shes wants me to constantly hug and cuddle her and if you put her 
    down for a second, she goes bolistic.
    
    
    Joolz
    
    p.s. her First Birthday party in this Sunday - luckily shes in a better
    mood than she was last Sunday! 
    
    
    
    

    My 2 1/2 year old favors me most of the time.  When he wants Daddy
    to go away he makes a very stern face, points, and tells him to
    "go take a shower!".
    
    We use the advice that I got out of the Boston Globe and enforce that
    Mommy and Daddy take turns changing diapers, reading stories...
    
    Since we are constantly talking about sharing and taking turns these
    days, he often gives in without too much of a fuss - but he's not
    happy about it.
    
    Gail

    
    
    
    
    Boy am I glad that I found this note.  I created my own note, but
    remembered after typing it that somewhere there was a similar version. 
    Low and behold, I was replying to it when Paul was 8 months.  Needless
    to say, things are still the same and I'm still pretty upset about it. 
    But anyways.. read on, you'll see...
    
    
I'm not sure how to address this issue, but I'm curious if other mother's 
have the same problem.

Our son Paul who is 3 1/2 now has always been Daddy's boy.  Daddy is the
fun one.  Mommy is the responsible one.  Mommy makes me get up when I'm
tired and want to sleep.  She makes me wear clothes that I don't want to
wear and puts them on when I still want to lounge in my pajamas.  Mommy
makes me eat breakfast, and not donuts like Daddy.  Mommy tells me when
I should go to bed and doesn't allow me to stay up till midnight with
Daddy, etc. etc. etc.  Daddy comes home and plays and cuddles.

Because of this scenario, Paul prefers to snuggle with Daddy at night
when he can.  The only time that I can remember in his entire life that
he chooses to snuggle with Mommy is when he is sick.  If he is cuddling
with me and Daddy enters the room he immediately jumps up and says, "I
want to snuggle with you Daddy" and Daddy of course loves to take him.

Alot of resentment has entered our lives now.  I have tried to control
my feelings over this.  I have tried to realize that its a wonderful 
thing that Paul loves his Daddy so much and I have tried to make Daddy
see how much it hurts when trying to live in his shadow.  However, 
Daddy just doesn't understand.  He tells me that I'm insecure and that
Paul loves me just as much.  Well heck, I know that but still, I need
that reassurance and cuddling with him too.  Sometimes Daddy will half
heartedly say to Paul, "why don't you snuggle with Mommy Paul, and Daddy
tomorrow?" but he never agrees.  Sometimes we will snuggle together but
its just not the same.

I have tried to figure out if I'm jealous and believe that I'm not.
I also have little to no resentment towards their relationship because
I know that its very special and should be grateful that they have
this bond.  What I do feel is a loss.  A loss of the time and bonding
that I want with Paul and just don't have.

We have tried to do special things together but they don't measure up
to the "daily tasks" that I have like picking up/dropping off Paul,
getting dinner ready, getting Paul dressed, etc."  Most of my time 
with my son is for these tasks.  When they are all done, its 8:00 and
I'm beat and want to shower and get into bed, along with getting our
son into bed so my husband and I can have some time alone.  However,
that rarely happens.  Paul goes to sleep with Daddy and I go to 
sleep alone.

Has any other mother's (or father's for that matter) experienced 
something like this?  How do you deal with this without getting
angry and sad over it?

Much thanks...

cj

    For one thing if he's not doing it already tell your husband you need
    his cooperation with - feeding Paul, changing Paul, waking Paul,
    dressing Paul for bed, helping Paul brush his teeth, all of the mundane
    things that kids object to doing.  It needs to be a team effort.
    
    I must be very fortunate.  I drop Aaron off in the mornings, Steve
    picks him up in the evening.  Steve sits with Aaron in the morning
    while he eats breakfast most of the time, I usually get him dressed
    (after breakfast, I won't try to get him to do anything before
    breakfast).  Steve helps him brush his teeth at night before bed, I
    change his clothes....  I'm Aaron's favorite when he's sick, the rest
    of the time he alternates fps (favorite parent status) between the two
    of us.  On the weekends we do almost everything together, including
    grocery shopping.
    
    Obviously this is my opinion.  
    
    sandy

    
    	I agree - you need to divide the tasks more evenly, and
    	try to get your husband to agree to be "the bad guy" sometimes.
    
    	However, some kids still prefer one parent over the other,
    	for no apparent reason.  When my daughter turned four, it
    	was like she suddenly realized there was this other adult
    	in the house, and I became special to her.  Now, she actually
    	cares if I come or go ;-)
    
    	Andrew has always been pretty even in his choice of parents, though
    	he still prefers that Daddy put him to bed.
    
    	Last night I tried to look sad and asked how come he always
    	picks Daddy to put him in.  He sat on my lap, looked me in
    	the eye, and said, "I'm sorry Mom.  I just don't want you."
    
    	Ah, honesty ;-)
    
    	Actually, it made me laugh.
    
    

    Oh, cj, this is too bad.  I know saying "your time will come"
    does not give you back *this* time.  Even as I snuggle Angeline
    each night on the couch, I even miss when she was smaller while
    I'm still loving this time now!
    
    And that doesn't help, I know...
    
    But I do think trying to share some of the bad guy duties is a
    good idea.  Maybe try to get more time off for you two.  Find
    something new and fun he hasn't done yet and make it something
    he does with *you* only.  
    
    							cj *->

    I really can't divide some of the chores/tasks in our home because of
    my husband's commute.  He works over an hour away and I work less than
    a mile away.  He has the dog responsibility (goes running before and
    after work) so by the time he is done with this, there is barely enough
    time to get himself ready and out of the door.  Ditto on the evenings
    because if I didn't start dinner when Paul and I come home, we wouldn't
    be eating till 7:30-8:00.
    
    Saturday mornings are my morning and Paul gets up with his Daddy so I
    can sleep late and they have breakfast together (Donuts at their
    favorite bakery) and Keith gets him dressed and they play in the yard all
    morning.  Its nice for me to have my time alone but their time isn't
    rushed with (you have to eat now because we have to get to the Sitters
    in 10 minutes or you have to get dressed now because Mommy has to go to
    work) so again he sees Daddy as the fun guy.
    
    I am thinking of perhaps doing the same thing with Paul on Thursdays
    when my husband meets with his friends.  I thought of us going to
    MacDonald's before we grocery shop and maybe it will give us something
    special to do.  Now only if Keith will agree that MacDonald's food
    ain't that bad.
    
    cj

I am not sure I believe the idea that because dad's the fun one, your 
son likes him better.

My son just turned 3 and I have 15 month old girl.  My son definitely 
prefers my husband over me, but my daughter definitely prefers me, but 
that doesn't mean that my son likes my husband better.

Because of my husband's work schedule, he brings both kids to daycare 
(most mornings) including dressing them and getting them to brush 
their teeth.  I pick them up and most evenings I have them by myself, 
so I get dinner, give tubbys and get them off to bed.  My husband is 
home on two evenings with me and on these nites when it's time to read 
my son a story he *insists* on papa!  It does bother me some, but I 
guess the resentment isn't as strong for me since I have my daughter 
(who won't let me out of her sight!).  

I remember when my son was about 13 months old my husband and I went 
to Florida for a one week vacation and when we got home my son 
*totally* rejected me!  It hurt like h*ll, but I knew that it was 
*because* he loved me and missed me soooo much!

I know what you're saying about being the responsible one, but I don't 
think that means that he loves you less.  As a matter of fact, because 
he prefers you when he is sick means that YOU are the one he goes to 
for *comforting*.

Go ahead and do something fun with him, like McDonald's (or when the 
nice weather gets here, bring him to an outdoor park once a week).  
Once a month I bring my kids to McDonald's where they have a playland 
and they have a ball.  

The other thing you could do is try to make some of the other things 
fun.  If my son is driving me nuts while I'm trying to get dinner 
ready, I try to involve him.  Fill a sink with water and suds, put a 
few *plastic* dishes in and he has a ball (and my floor gets washed)!

Cheers!

/Karen

    

cj, we have some problems with favorites, too.  It's not a real problem now,
but it used to be.  Now neither of the kids seems to reject the other parent
as often, and both will sit on the lap of the non-favored parent.  Sometimes
there is still rejection, though, and you certainly have valid feelings in
being hurt when this happens!

A couple of suggestions for you which I'd make are to have your husband do
the "bad" bedtime things with Paul (make him get into pajamas, make him
brush his teeth) and like the previous noter mentioned, do more fun things
with Paul which are part of your responsibilities.  For instance, if you
are the one who makes the cookies at home, get Paul involved.  Our kids
were doing cookies almost before they could eat them.  :-)  The grocery
store is a great idea, too.  I prevent the "gimme gimme" problem by letting
the child choose a treat at the *end* of the shopping.  

Good luck!

     Carol

    There was an article posted on the bulletin board at my children's
    day care recently taht addressed the issue of making the mundane
    fun.  (Sorry, it was taken down and I don't remember the source
    magazine.)  I really liked many of the ideas (my children are 6 and 2).
    
    Here are some I remember:
    
    1. Eat breakfast foods for supper (like pancakes and cereal).
    2. Have picnics in your living room.
    3. Serve simple things (like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches)
       on china and light the room with candles.
    4. Wear your bathing suit to take a bath.  Then put your pajamas
       on inside out.
    5. Read stories by flashlight.
    6. Put notes in your kids' lunchboxes.
    7. Start a simple project (like "growing" carrot tops on pebbles on
       your window sill) and make a chart of the progress.
    8. Have a family slumber party (everyone sleep in the living room
       in sleeping bags!)
    9. Reward yourself and kids with small treats (my kids get a $1
       to spend on grocery shopping adventures; I get a cup of gourmet
       coffee.)
    10.Bring your child to work.
    
    Good luck!  Making the routine fresh is an effort, but worth it!

    Also (I can't believe I forgot my favorite!):
    
    Establish a secret language for hello and goodbyes (and other
    simple communication).  My daughter and I speak pig-latin!

    My daughter, Alex, is 6 and daddy is definitely her favorite.  But,
    that's okay.  I am the "meannie"...I get to take her to the doctors,
    Physically therapy, etc.  I am the one that cooks dinner...veggies,
    give baths, wash hair, brush teeth, etc.  Daddy is the fun one...
    hot dogs, chocolate milk...Bill works nights, I work days...Daddy gets
    her dressed and brings her to school.  
      
    On the weekends Alex and I have established a "ritual".  We go to the bagel
    store and pick out fresh bagel and creame cheese. Go home, curl up on the 
    couch together and "pig out" watching TV (whatever is on Disney or a
    video).  If the weather is nice go outside and play in the yard or do 
    something Alex wants to do.  
      
    I think what it is the "mommy" complex...I'm the meannie, so (s)he
    likes daddy better.  Alex sees me more often, so I'm old hat.  She only
    gets to see daddy a few hours here and there...So, when she sees daddy,
    the day is more wonderful, etc.  I get pushed into the background,
    which is okay.  I've noticed (more and more) on the weekends, when
    daddy is around he is starting to "fade" more...mommy is okay.     
    
    I'm guessing that you are seeing/feeling the same thing a lot of
    parents experience.  The parent that is not around much is the
    "wonderful" parent.  As the child gets older, or the other parent is
    around more, the "favoritism" doesn't happen as much.  
    
    As for the "daddy gives me donuts"...you can try to 'ol...I'm not daddy
    and that is a "special treat" with daddy.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Kathi
    

    Don't forget "the little things" that you can do, too.  I found, 
    recently, that daddy was becoming the favorite for my two-year-old, 
    as well.  Since I get off work earlier, I pick up the kids from 
    daycare, bring them home, unload their baggage and mine from the 
    car, straighten up the house a little, and then start dinner.  The 
    kids weren't getting much quality parent time until dad got home.  

    Lately, (when I remember) I've tried to take a few minutes as soon 
    as we get home to sit down and read a book or two with them.  This 
    only takes about 15 minutes, but gives them a chance to ease into 
    being home, and have a little bit of special time with me before I 
    start the other things.

    I also agree with a lot of the other suggestions...  I used to think 
    it was great to have my husband get the kids up and keep them busy 
    on weekend mornings...  Or watch them play outside while I got things 
    done inside.  But, I found I was missing out on some of the fun, and 
    decided that once in a while, I needed to join them.

    We've also done the pizza, movie, and slumber party on the living 
    room rug with the kids ever since they were little.  As far as the 
    cuddling at night...  As you probably know, from several notes in 
    this conference, bedtime routines can really vary (from family bed, 
    to having them cry it out on their own, and loads of places in between).  

    If you are willing to allow your son to fall asleep with a parent 
    cuddled with him every night, then why not just let him fall asleep 
    in YOUR bed, with both parents.  One of you can always carry him 
    back to his own bed once he's fast asleep.

    With such busy schedules, one thing I think we all tend to forget is
    that while we are figuring out which parent will do what, we sometimes
    forget to schedule activities that involved the whole family.
    
    Peggy                                                        
                                                                    

    My girls tend to see whichever parent they've spent the least time with
    lately as the "favorite." i.e., if they've been with me all day, when
    mom comes home she gets a hero's welcome. And vice versa.