Conference moira::parenting

    Hi Denise,
    
    I went through pretty much the same thing when I was a single mom.
    The best advice I can give you is try to keep your chin up and
    remember things do always work out.
    
    Have you called the Digital Child Care Referral service?  Your children
    aren't in school yet, so you could find someone anywhere along your
    route to work.  
    
    What is your current sitter's reason, did she give you sufficient
    notice?  If she doesn't have any other plans, maybe she could continue
    for one more week or so, until you find someone else.
    
    Don't worry about the kids, they'll bounce right back.  I went thru
    several sitters also and I think my kids are better able to handle
    change as a result.  
    
    I'm expecting my 3rd (my husband's 1st) and we're considering an
    Au Pair (live in nanny).  The only draw-back I saw is that we're
    getting someone new every year...  After more thought, I realized,
    I've more or less been doing that anyway!  
    
    Good luck in your search.  If you'd like to talk off-line, feel
    free to send me mail.
    
    Peggy

    Denise,
    I don't think there is a working parent out there that hasn't had
    the "new sitter" stress. You're not alone!
    Hope everything works out.
    
    Be good to yourself,
	Monica

    
    Denise,  Yes, youre not alone! I remember last summer when I had to 
    look for new daycare when my son was 9 mos old. My friend had been
    watching him up until then (partly because it was easier than having to
    trust someone else), so I was kind of spoiled. Also, hours/$$ was a
    major factor (I was part time then)... Along with family pressures,
    work stress and Post Partum, and then needing to find new daycare, I
    think I had a minor "breakdown"...but......  
    
    Turned out I found a WONDERFUL provider that I wouldn't trade for the
    world!!!!!!!!! 1/4 mile from our house and shes everything I wanted in
    a provider for my son. 
    
    The only bad thing is our house is on the market and if/when we move I
    will have to find new daycare...  I am DREADING even the "thought" of
    it.  But am hopeful it will work out as well as it did last time.
    
     
    Hang in There and keep up your search...Listen to your instincts also.
    My provider was the first one I interviewed over the phone, but then 
    did many more interviews before going back to her. If I had listened
    to my gut instincts on it, I would of saved myself alot of time.
    Although I do feel you need to check out a few different people to get
    an idea of what is right for you and your family.
    
    You'll do okay!
    
    Chris
    

    
    We are starting to have some problems with our daycare (babysitter) and
    have decided to start looking around for a new provider.  We have no
    written or verbal agreement on how much notification is needed when we
    decide to stop sending our son to her.  She has been the type that when
    ever we have had an issue and mentioned it to her she gave us the
    silent treatment for a few days.  We could always tell she wasn't happy
    about what we said.  Although, I do believe she didn't take it out on
    my son.  My question is do we give her 2 weeks notice, 1 week notice or
    a few days notice?  My husband says no notice because he doesn't want 
    to worry about what kind of care our son will be getting during that
    time.
    
    I'd like to hear what others think....thanks a bunch.
    
    Kelly  
    

    One option is to give her 1 week notice and then pull your child out
    that day.  That way she gets the one week extra $$ and you don't have
    to worry about any ill treatment towards your son.
    
    Dave

    
    Ditto last reply....
    
    
    Chris
    

    Sounds like you don't trust this lady very much if you're worried
    about the treatment your child will get if you give a notice....
    That right there is a very good reason to remove your child
    from the situation...I think the last 2 people are right - Give
    the notice and pull your child out that same day...
    

    The only reason I would say two weeks notice is because that seems
    to be standard practice. I mean, if you were leaving your job you
    would give your boss at least 2 weeks' notice, wouldn't you?  If you
    are really worried that she will take things out on your child,
    then I go with .5 and .6.  However, if you think she can handle it
    (and she may have been hoping that something like this would happen),
    then give her the benefit of the doubt and two weeks notice.
    
    Good luck.  I hope you find a wonderful caregiver for your little one!

We've just learned that the daycare center our 8 month old is in will no longer
be able to take kids under 2.9 years of age.  It's a long, sordid story 
involving the sale of the building housing the center to a buyer who didn't want
the school there.

In any case, I've started my search and think I may have found something.  My
concern (which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm a new and doting mother) is
the impact on our child.  He's beginning to have some stranger anxiety and I'm
wondering if I'd be better off starting him there half days for a week before
going full time (which for him means 3 days a week).

Any advice or words of wisdom?

    Our Charlotte started making strange around that time (7-9 months);
    could this possibly be normal development?
    
    Monica

According to my bible, "What to Expect the First Year", 7-9 months is about the
time the kids start with stranger anxiety.  While I realize it's perfectly
normal, I don't want to traumatize him by introducing him to a new place and all
new people but I don't have a choice.  

I'm just looking for ways to make the transition to the new center and new
caretakers as easy as possible for him.  Is it worthwhile to have him do half
days the first week or am I overreacting?

    IF the daycare situation is good - caring, skilled providers and an
    attractive facility - then your child will adjust quickly.
    
    I find that daycare changes are very traumatic for ME.  I'm the one who
    goes to work crying for the first few days.  My daughter always seems
    to do fine.  I'm the one who has the most trouble adjusting.  
    
    You can expect some crying from your son on the first morning you
    leave.  This morning crying may continue for a number of days.  Often
    it just lasts for a few minutes and then your child gets distracted. 
    Even if it lasts longer, that doesn't mean he's not okay, nor that you
    made the wrong care decision.
    
    The important thing for a baby is to form strong bonds with one or two
    daycare providers.  Just be sure that one or two people will always be
    there when he is in care.
    
    Laura

    
    ... I'd add that is the crying DOESN't stop, that you check in to the
    situation and think about a different place.

    I second that last response.  When we moved from one state to another,
    Russell cried every morning for the entire 3 months he was at the new
    center.  This upset me, because I really wanted him in another center,
    but they had a waiting list.  Fortunately they had an opening sooner
    than they thought they would.  Russell has been in what he still calls
    the "new school" for about 5 months now, and has never cried like he
    did at the first center.   I should mention that before all this
    moving, he loved the center in our old state.

    One thing you can try to do is go to the new place with your child a
    day or two before you start leaving him/her.  We did this with the new
    center, and I was impressed with the way the teacher introduced Russell
    as a new friend to the other children.  They let him explore the room,
    and look at all the toys etc.  It seemed to make that first morning a
    little easier.  Russell did have a case of the clingies, but not one
    tear was shed when I left.

    marianne

    On the same note of separation and changing, how do the parents adjust? 
    We will be changing in October from home care to a center.  I'm the one
    who is having a problem with the idea, can't really pinpoint the
    reason, just some apprehensions.  I've checked with other parents about 
    the center and have not heard anything negative, now I'm going to call 
    the Office for Children and see if they've had any complaints/concerns. 
    
    Anyways, how does mom cope if child does fine?
    
    Lisa Cozzens  

    My sons have just changed sitters this past week. I've been struggling
    with the whole idea of changing for months and feeling really
    apprehensive about it all.  I've coped by keeping my feelings and views
    separate and private from the kids - I've been positive and open with
    the kids about the change and encouraged them to ask questions etc.
    Separately, I've talked with my husband about my concerns etc.
    
    It's not easy :-)
    

    My son just transitioned from a home day-care to a full time nursery 
    school within the last two weeks.  It may be too soon to tell but he
    seems to be adjusting very well.  He was three in April and had been
    going to the same provider since he was 8 months old.  
    
    Some of the immediate differences that you may see are:
    
    he/she will probably get less one-on-one attention, 
    he/she will need to adjust to a more structured routine everyday 
    you will need to pack a lunch everyday  (in their very own lunchbox) 
    breakfast fed before school (my provider used to do this for me)
    nap time with a large group (my son adjusted surprisingly well to this)
    more of an educational enviornment
    no tv on during the day (my favorite)
    no days off when your provider/providers child is sick
    
    I am very happy we made this change and again he does seem to be 
    adjusting well (although there have been a few bad mornings), I guess 
    it all depends on the center and what you or your child were used to.
    
    Good Luck
    
    Mary
     

    I transitioned AJ from home daycare to a "pre school" daycare center
    when he was 3.  As the previous note showed many of the same points
    that I observed.
    
    He did protest being told it was nap time, it did cause a personality
    conflict with the staff that ultimately helped me decide a year later
    that this was not the ideal situation it was time to change centers. 
    Short of that, he grew emotionally, intellectually, independantly, in
    short it was a wonderful move!  If I had a newborn I would likely skip
    the home daycare and go straight to a *GOOD* center!  Maybe that's why
    I chose to place AJ back in that particular center for the summer.  I'm
    really going to miss these folks now that he really is too old to go
    back! (sniff!)
    
    Lyn

    
    	I will be putting Emily and her infant sibling into daycare
    	next year.  Emily is with my mother while I work now.  I'm
    	considering options on how to make the transfer easiest on
    	Emily.  Basically, whether to move Emily before the baby comes
    	to get her accustomed, or to wait and start both children at
    	the "new" daycare together when I return to work. 
    
    	What have other people tried and had success with ?  Emily will
    	be 2 when the change is made.
    
    	Karen
    
    	

I transitioned my daughter at 13 months from a home daycare situation to a
daycare center.  My daughter had a fairly easy time with the transition, but I
definitely had a hard time.

As far as my daughter goes, she seemed to love it from day one.  Except for the
time when I actually was leaving, she always showed acceptance and happiness
about her new situation. For the first 4-6 weeks, she cried every morning when I
left her there.  When we arrived in the morning at the center, my daughter would
be happy and run directly in.  While I was sitting there, she would play and
laugh.  When time came for me to leave for work, I would give her a kiss, say
good bye and begin to walk away.  She would fuss or cry and/or chase me out the
door every day.   I often would listen outside the room and she usually settled
down as sson as I was out of sight.  Finally one day, she simply said 'bye',
waved to me and went back to playing.  She has been this way ever since.

I on the other hand, had a more difficult time adjusting.  I found it hard going
from the environment where I handed my child to the single caregiver of my
child.  The exchange time was very relaxed.  I had time to discuss every little
silly first-time mom detail with my caregiver.  In the center, mornings and
evenings are very hectic.  Although they are very nice and receptive to
information about your child, they simply cannot handle the other children and
to hear the little details.  I felt uneasy with the large increase in numbers of
parents/kids/caregivers and not really knowing anyone...  I was feeling pretty
down about the situation.  But I knew I would adjust eventually.  With in a
couple/few months as I became more familiar with the caregivers and parents and
kids I became more relaxed about it.  It also helped when my daughter stopped
crying when I left in the morning.

Now that the adjustment is complete, I am very happy with the situation. She has
A LOT of fun there.  They go outside every day.  They do projects.  She simply
loves it there.  I am really happy about the stability of a center.  Vacations
and holidays are not a problem.  Every thing is documented.  We love it.

    I wanted to report a very positive experience here.
    
    We recently transitioned our two children, boys aged 3 and 4, 
    from thrice weekly to five times weekly, in preparation for
    my wife caring for our third child due this week, and to allow
    her to rest more now.  
    
    We were very concerned that they would see this as a rejection of
    them in favor of the baby.  So far, they have been very happy
    and doing extremely well in daycare and at home since the transition.
    In fact, the regularity of the schedule actually seems to make
    a positive difference in their behavior at daycare especially.
    
    The only other difference is that I spend more time at daycare
    with them when dropping them off.  I sit and read a few stories
    with them and the other children, in an attempt to make the
    separation anxiety easier (for me as much or more than them !).
    
    Working out very well so far !  We'll see what happens when the
    baby comes ....
    
    								todd

    Todd,
    
    When AJ was a baby I had made a decision not to work at all, then it
    became very apparent that if we really wanted to buy a home, and handle
    the thousands in closing costs that I would have to work, at least part
    time.
    
    I was able to secure a job two to three days per week, which suddenly
    threw me into looking for a part time care giver.  I found AJ's reactio
    to be nothing but positive, he really went from a clingy pre walker to
    a happy independant confident baby.  
    
    In the process of him having multiple hospitalizations, I visited with
    a child psycologist specializing in pedi trauma cases.  One of my
    questions regarded day care.  His advise was straight forward, a child
    will always do better with consistency, and on this basis I ought to
    consider either full time daycare (and work) or none at all.  He will
    get confused in his schedule, not knowing if today is an "at home with
    mom day" or at the provider's home day.  It worked for me, and shortly
    after that spent some time at home with him (recovering from surgery)
    and then returned to work full time, of which I have no regrets.  Even
    when I am off work, I still send him to the care providers, just to
    keep his schedule consistant.
    
    Hope it all works out for all of you!
    Lyn

    re: .22, Lyn,
    	Yes, my experience with Ian so far confirms what you're saying.
    	Ian was constantly asking me "Is this a stay home and play day,
    	or is this a playgroup day ?  Is tommorrow a ... ?  Is the
    	next day a ... ?"
    
    	I didn't know that the mixed schedule was confusing or
    	upsetting him, and I thought of the "at home" days as something
    	he needed, but the positive results with full time daycare
    	so far seem to run counter to my intuition.   I guess and hope
    	he feels very loved by us from our time in the morning and 
    	evening and weekends, and doesn't need additional days of
    	contact with us during the week to confuse him ?
    
    	Not that we have much of a choice at the moment, or when
    	my wife goes back to work.
    
    							todd

    Maybe I have an unusually flexible child, but my almost-3 year old 
    has always done just fine with a part-time day-care and part-time 
    at-home schedule.  I work 4 days per week, home on Wednesdays, and
    my husband works Saturdays so he gets one weekday off each week.
    So Johnathan goes to day care 3-4 days a week, and his days at-home
    can vary each week.
    
    Each morning, Johnathan asks me "What time is it?" which translates 
    into "What kind of day is it today?"  I tell him it's either a "school"
    day or a home day.  Either way, he accepts the answer.  The only time we
    seem to have a problem is when there ISN'T enough variety.  One week,
    during an especially hectic time, neither my husband nor I got our
    day at home that week, so Johnathan went to day-care 5 days straight.
    He was definitely stressed by this.  He was used to having the 
    variety and the "break" from one situation to the other.
    
    The theory that a child should go to day-care full time or not at all
    is hard for me to follow.  I guess if you agree with that you would
    send your child to day-care on Saturdays and Sundays, too! :)
    
    The two things that seem to work well for us are:
       1.  Tell him the night before what the next day will be, a "school"
           day or an "at-home" day.  Even if he seems to have forgotten
           the next morning when he asks us again, I think he feels 
           more in control when we talk to him in advance.
       2.  Keep his bedtime and waking time fairly consistent, whether
           its a work day or a home day.  
    
    Jane
    

    In my opinion I'm not so sure it even gets any better.  Even now as I
    put AJ to bed he asks if tomorrow is a "vacation day off" translates
    into is tomorrow a weekend day, or holiday?  He actually has asked
    occationally if we can make it a "vacation" day off.  Which I'm sure we
    can all relate to, I just don't want to go to work (in this case
    school) today.  His teacher told me last year that she could see it in
    him when he was having one of "those" days.  He just mentally wasn't
    there!
    
    I have a real problem with him, in that he needs to be really precise
    in his scheduling.  For example, I told him last week that this was his
    last week at the summer program because school starts next week.  Then
    I told him that "probably" we would take Friday (today) off, then as
    the week progressed it became impossible for me to get much of any part
    of today off.  I agreed I "would try" to leave a little early today,
    and I can just about bet he is giving the staff a real hard time today,
    because he just *does not* want to be there today, and he will give me
    a child's version of "giving me h*ll" if I arrive past what he feels is
    reasonable.  (like 5 minutes after I left him there this morning!)
    
    Lyn

My current sitter is leaving us in a week and a half, so we'll be getting someone
new to come to our home and sit for the kids.  Jess (my sitter) has been with us
18 months, and is like another parent to my kids who are 29 months old. She's
the only sitter they can remember, so I'm a little worried about the transition
to someone new coming into the house, though I think they'll adjust fine.  We
had considered going to a daycare (in fact, the center where Jess will be going
to work), but my kids really aren't ready yet, so we're going to wait another
year when I think they'll be fine. Also, it makes my life a little easier to
have someone come to the house because they have so many appointments they need
to keep.

What I'm wondering is how we tell the kids that Jess is leaving.  How much can
a 2-year-old really understand? They've never had anyone leave and not come
back before, so I'm not sure how to explain this to them, but I do feel the
need to try to explain it.  And they will get to see her from time to time, just
not every day like they're used to. In fact, she'll be sitting for them the
following week-end where she'll be staying over on a Saturday night as we have
to leave the house at 6:00 a.m. Sunday to make an early flight.  Plus she'll
also be back the following Sunday to take them Trick-or-Treating for Halloween
because we won't be home til late.

It seems like a lot of folks here have made this transition successfully, so
how did you tell your children?

Cathy

    Hi,
    
    I'm in a different type situation that my daughter is not 6.5 years
    old, in 1st grade and dearly loves her present daycare provider.  Due
    to a disagreement with the present daycare provider, I have found a new
    one for her and she will be starting in this new daycare Nov 29th. (I
    would have started her sooner, but my contract requires a couple of
    weeks notice which the daycare provider has decided to forego one of
    those weeks).
    
    Since Monday night, when the disagreement first took place, my daughter
    has really had this depressed attitude, which really clues me in that
    she knows something is up and she isn't particularly happy with it.
    
    My question is:   How can I explain to my daughter that the reason that
    we are leaving and going to a new daycare provider is not her fault?
    I somehow get this feeling that she feels she did something wrong and
    this is just not the case.  The disagreement between myself and the
    provider has nothing to do with my daughter at all, but with all the
    petty rules and expectations that the provider has, and this is not a 
    problem (in my book) than can be continued to lived with.   I have
    tried to overlook these RULES and stay with this provider only because
    I know how much my daughter cares for her, but you could say that the
    present disagreement is one of those "THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS 
    BACK" and I won't put up with anymore.
    
    There are a lot of pros for going to the new daycare provider, the most
    important one being other girls my daughters age or slightly older (3rd
    grade).   My daughter has never had any girls her own age to play with
    at the present daycare providers house.   One of the girls at the new
    daycare provider's house is in her Brownie troop.   One of the boys at
    the new daycare providers house is in her class.   So overall, besides
    not having to deal with all the petty rules, my daughter will have more
    children her age to interact with.
    
    So any ideas anyone could give me about explaining the change to my
    daughter and why the change is happening would be appreciated.
    
    The only idea that I could come up with is that sometimes my daughter
    will tell me she thinks that I'm being unfair because I expect her to
    do something (like pick up her room).   I thought I'd try to remind my
    daughter of an incident where she thought I was being unfair and try to
    explain that I felt  that the current daycare provider was being
    unfair/taking advantage of us and that Mommy and Daddy didn't agree
    with the provider so we decided that the best thing to do would be to
    take her out of the  providers care.  Does this sound like an
    explanation that she might understand? If not, any inputs would be
    welcome.

I think you should definitely talk to her, but the
first thing that came to mind about your strategy
is that it points out a double standard between
your solutions to unfairness and her solutions to
unfairness.

The point being that you can change the situation
if you think the care provider is unfair, but
I'm willing to bet she still had to pick up her
room, even tho she felt you were being unfair.
I don't think this will come out right to her.


I think more truth than this is in order.  Tell
her which rules were unfair and why they were unfair.
She most likely knows all about it anyway, in her
6.5 year old version.

But realize that she will see what you're doing as
a tactic she also can use to negotiate with you.

Pat

It does sound like you should have a talk with your daughter.  But,
before you launch into any explanations, you may want to just ask
what's troubling her.  You may be right on target that she thinks it's
something she did, but you might not be.  It's a great idea to be prepared
for what you think she will say, but it's also good if you can give her
a chance to vent her feelings.  In particular, it might be important
to let her know that you realize that she really liked this daycare provider,
and that it's okay for her to be disappointed about the way things have
worked out.

(In case you can't tell, I'm one of those people that tends to launch
into explanations assuming that I already *know* what's bothering the
other person :-)

Hope this helps.

- Deb

    The only thing that makes it hard about trying to find out what the
    problem is is that my daughter just tends not to want to talk about it.
    I will ask her if she can talk to me about whats trouble her and she
    usually will say nothing or she will say something else that seems
    totally off the wall.  An example of this is that she seemed kind of
    depressed last night and I told her that I thought she seemed to be sad
    about something and that if she wanted to tell me about, I wanted to
    help her if I could.   So out of the blue, she starts telling me that
    she is bothered by and incident that happened a while ago.   My husband
    was clipping our puppys toenails and the puppy unfortunately jerked
    when he clipped so we had a little episode with the toenail bleeding.  
    She started saying that this was bothering her and she didn't want that
    ever to happen again.   So I told her that incident was an accident and
    that we were most certainly going to take every precaution against
    something like that happening again.   I also asked her if there was
    anything that I could do to help her get this incident out of her mind.
    She didn't have any ideas and neither did I.   But, I am not really
    certain that the incident with the puppy is what is really the cause of
    her quietness and apparent depressed behavior now.   
    
    So I do definitely plan on talking to her, and thanks for the input
    about using that example of unfairness, since she would most certainly
    will use it against me the next time I try to get her to pick up her
    room.   
    
    Any other inputs would be appreciated.
    

    .30
        I just wanted to try to help out a little here. Maybe you need
    a different approach. 
    
        Just some of my ideas that you can think about or try. It sounds
    to me that she needs a little more space in sharing what she wants
    to share. When you realize she's feeling bad or whatever maybe
    try starting in about something else or suggest you and her do
    something together. Ask her what she would like to do with you. Then
    when your together and having fun get some conversation going that
    doesn't make her feel like your prying. It may very well be that
    the incident has been dwelling in her head and she's upset and trying
    to rationalize it. She needs to talk about it even if it's 2 days
    or 2 weeks later. 
    
        Most of what she may need is to be able to tell you something and
    you could say something like. "I understand that must have upset
    you very much, you can talk to me anytime your upset and I'll be
    here to listen." Not that youv'e done anything wrong but maybe in
    her situation saying something like "You seem sad" may make her
    think that when you see her like that there's something wrong with
    her feelings. That may not be her case , but who knows for sure.
    Some people may like that approach and open right up. She may need
    it to come more naturally.
    
        The main thing is support and listening to her. She may very
    well want to talk but is very uncomfortable and just needs a
    one on one situation where she can feel more comfortable. I hope
    this helps somewhat.
    
         Take care,
    
         Rose Marchand
    

    Actually, assuming you know what is troubling your child can help them
    express it.  It is very hard for children to put feelings into words.
    If you ask outright, you will usually get "I_don't_know", "nothing",
    or something off the wall as you mentioned.  Perhaps the puppy scenario
    was a similar feeling.  Someone did something that made her sad that
    she had no control over, just like changing daycare.
    
    If you try talking to her about how YOU would feel if you were her
    and had to change daycare.  That you would be angry/disappointed and 
    maybe unsure about the new situation coming up.  Perhaps she can
    put her thoughts into it as well, without having to search for all
    the words.
                                                         
    I've used this approach for years, and it has really helped in those
    situations were you "know" what is wrong, but can't get them to 
    talk about it.
    
    Good Luck,
    Tracy                
    

    Maybe accenting the fact that she will have more kids her own age to
    play with will help.  Is she good friends with the girl from her troop?
    You may be able to slant the news in a "your a bigger girl now, your
    needs have changed" way.  
    
    marianne

I agree with the previous note about accenting the positive.

Leslie

I agree with mentioning the positives, but not to the point that you 
invalidate her feelings of disappointment.  In other words, don't try to make 
her "feel good" or make her feel that she is wrong or foolish or crazy to 
feel sad about leaving an daycare with which she feels comfortable.  
Virtually every change we make or that our children make has some negative 
and some positive aspects, and it's a mistake to deny either.

Clay

Moderator, please feel free to move this note if there already is a topic 
dedicated to this issue.

How long would you let a child cry at childcare?

Chloe is two years old and has recently been accepted into a new 
childcare program. I won't get into the details, but the childcare in 
question seemed like a very desirable environment, and Chloe had been on 
the waiting list for one year before an opening came up.

It might seemed unbelievable, but Chloe has never gone through separation 
anxiety. She loved her old childcare and used to ignore us as we left her 
there, and often talked about her teachers and the other children on the 
weekends. She is a good-natured child who truly never cries. She BTW has 
been in child care since the age of 4 months old.

This is the second week at the new child care. The first week went 
relatively smoothly. This week is dreadful as far as I am concerned. She 
sobs as soon as we get there, and they tell me that she cries a lot, all 
day long, and has very little nap time - today, 20 minutes instead of her 
customary 90 to 120 minutes.

My husband tells me that as she is getting more mature she is better able 
to understand separation, and that the new school only brought on a 
separation anxiety period which was bound to happen some time soon, and 
would eventually have happened at the old school. 

I am not so sure. I have been planning to try one more week, and then to 
send her back to the old child care (they say that they will take her 
back anytime). How long would you wait with the new school before calling 
it quits? It is devastating to see your child cry as you leave them. It 
is also so much out of character for Chloe to cry. 

My husband says that if we take her back to the old school it will 
confuse her and that eventually she will go through separation anxiety 
there too.

Please advise.

Thank you,

Patricia. 


P.S. I have dropped unannounced at various times and have not observed 
anything to cause me concern.

    You will have to go with your gut feeling.  I put my son into daycare
    when he was 3 for the first time and he was a part-timer (2 days a
    week).  After three weeks be was still carrying on (but not until after
    I left each day).  My pedi said to tuff it out with him, but I had to
    disagree.  I couldn't put my child thru that again.  We took him out
    immediately (it was not necessary for him to be there at that time - we
    were testing the waters with daycare as my husband was about to get a
    job and I was going to continue to work).  We put him in a "home care"
    situation with someone he knew and it worked MUCH better (for a little
    while).  After that stopped being effective, my husband switched to the
    night shift to accomodate him.  Now, please don't think he controls our
    lives - once he was old enough to understand that this part of his life
    was there for good, he took to things much better.  I think the hard
    part for him was that he was home for three years before he started
    daycare.
    
    -sandy
    

Elise did her separation anxiety when she was almost
3.  It was related to moving from the toddler room
to the preschool room.

We worked thru it by spending more time with her.
I took more time for daycare drop-off and pick-up.
We jettisoned babysitters and cooking formal
dinners for a couple weeks so one of us could be
with her all the time.

She also woke several times a night needing reassurance
that we were still there.

I would give it a couple more weeks; talk to the teacher
for advice on how to help her.  It's likely the teacher
has seen this before.

Also, don't forget she is grieving the loss of her friends
from the previous daycare.  That is another source of the
crying.  See if you can arrange play-dates with her friends
from the previous daycare; that will help her adjust too.

Good luck,

Pat

I would talk with her "teacher" and see if there is anything
that could be incorporated into her day she might be "missing"
from the other daycare.  For example, maybe they had storytime before
nap or she was used to some "nap procedure" at the other daycare.
Maybe your daughter can bring a favorite book the teacher can 
read to the class.

If your daughter is still upset - go with your gut.  I believe
that kids have natural preferences and while the new daycare may be
great there is obviously something she misses (could be the 
atmosphere, general attitude, the schedule, etc...)  It sounds
like you have the luxery of going back to a situation that 
worked and not compromising a safe and loving environment.

Good Luck

From someone who has been known to become pretty
stressed over daycare decisions...

    re .37, .38, .39
    
    Thank you all for all the suggestions and anecdotal evidence. It helps to
    know that others have been through the same trouble! I will try to
    organize a play-date with some of her friends at the old place.
    
    I talked yesterday to her old child
    care, to her doctor and to the new childcare. The new place said
    that most of her trouble seems to be at transition time (for example
    from circle time to outside play), and that if we talk to her at home
    and reinforce the daily events of school (so, after you eat lunch, you
    take your plate to the kitchen and then it's nap time) it should help a
    lot.
    
    The doctor said to give her at least two weeks, but that if she does
    not adjust after that, then she is probably not ready for the new
    center, which is more structured than the old one.
    
    As to the old place, they will take her back no problem. However, it is
    an infant center and they cannot take children older than 3. So at
    best, she has 11 months left there. Still, it might give her the time
    to be more mature and to accept a change of childcare better? A previous
    noter mentioned that her child had the same type of trouble at 3. Chloe too
    has needed reassurance last night. She woke up 5 times crying and
    asking for me. I was heart-broken!
    
    Anyway, I will listen to my gut feelings as all of you said. I will
    give her a little longer at the new place, because it would be better
    for her too if it worked out. As for my own stress, I have arranged for
    my husband to drop her off all of next week while I pick her up ;-)
    
    Patricia.

Ahhh, wise decision on the husband dropping your daughter off.

You might see a change just with that.  My daughter has always
been less emotional with dad dropping her off.  He can never 
understand why I say it takes me at least 15 minutes before I
can leave.

    My daughter switched from a family daycare situation to a daycare
    center at 15 months.  Taylor cried EVERY morning for 4 or 5 weeks
    when I left her.  I usually would stay around 15 minutes in the
    morning.  She would be fine the whole time I was there, but as soon as
    I got ready to leave, she would chase me out the door and try to down
    the hall.  It was heart breaking.  The thing that kept me with it is
    that she seemed happy to get there (until I showed signs of leaving)
    and was in a pretty good mood at night, after the first week (although
    extra tired).
    
    I think it definitely takes more than two weeks to adjust.  I would
    give it at least a month, but if I saw no improvement at that time, I
    might consider reevaluating my decision.
    
    Good luck.  I think I had as hard a time with the transition as she
    did.  It's heartbreaking to leave for work with your child sobbing.

    My little one is 2 1/2 and has been in the same daycare since 5 months,
    but has moved to several new groups during that time.  We found
    something as simple as being able to wear her barney slipper in the
    morning seemed to help.  She associated the barney slippers with the
    comforts of home.  We didn't do the toy thing because we didn't want
    another child to take it from her.  The little barney heads on her
    slipper always make her smile.  Dad does the dropping off since daycare
    is at his company (Commerce Insurance) and he finds that transition is
    always difficult if he doesn't have 15 minutes to relax with her at
    daycare (which doesn't always workout on Mondays).
    
    We have pictures in our home on a poster of teachers and other
    classmates that way she still has a little piece of the old world.
    
    My heart feels for you.  Hugs!!!
    
    Robin

    
    
    A quick update. After two difficult weeks where she would cry at the
    slightest provocation, Chloe is finally doing OK. She did not cry the
    past two days as I left her, and this morning ignored me when I said
    good bye, just like she used to at the other place.
    
    So I think that we are over the worst, and that she is now actually
    enjoying her new friends and teachers (she has made friends with
    another little girl her age, Brianna).
    
    Thanks again for all the feedback.
    
    Patricia.
    
    

    
    
    
    Can someone help me with my dilema?  I have a five month old who has
    been home since birth.  I stayed with Paul till he was three months 
    old and his father has been home with him for the last two.  The last
    six weeks we have had my mother and my mother in law over once a week
    to get him used to them sitting for him.  This leaves three days that
    we will have to get some other kind of care.  
    
    I have already decided that in-home daycare is much better for Paul
    than the centers however, the best person that I have found is going to be
    closing in June or August.  This however, seems to fit our situation
    because we will probably (90%) be moving in the summer and will need to
    find a different daycare anyways.  
    
    My problem now after reading these notes lies in the transition for my
    son.  Is it bad to have one provider for him (the first one no less)
    and then pull him out in two months?  Should I just try and find
    another provider that is close to work so if we do move we can keep him
    in it?  I really liked the women that I talked to and she is so close
    to my house right now however, I want to do the best for my son. 
    
    Thanks in advance,
    
    cj

    
    CJ,

    
    >I really liked the women that I talked to and she is so close
    >to my house right now however, I want to do the best for my son. 
    
    IMHO
    This issue is *very* personality dependent!  If Paul is an easygoing
    baby and doesn't really pitch fits when new people take care of him,
    he'll probably do fine. Especially since Grandma and Grandpa will still
    be there 3 days a week.

    I'd go with my gut feelings on this one. 

    Rochelle
    

    
    
    CJ,
    
    I posted a note about my daughter, Chloe, only a few weeks ago, because
    she was having such a hard time dealing with the transition from one
    childcare center to another.
    
    We were the more surprised because as a baby, we had to have a lot of
    different arrangements because of health problems (she had problems
    with bacterial infections and we had to keep her away from other
    children). When she was one year old, my husband took a 6
    weeks leave of absence to take care of her, then my mother came over
    from France for 8 weeks, and then a friend took care of her for 8
    weeks before she was strong enough to be with other children. During
    that time she was very happy and never expressed any anxiety over the
    changes. I suspect that transitions are easier for them
    as babies, before they develop very strong ties with friends and
    teachers.
    
    Patricia.

CJ,

    You ask a very difficult question for which only you can come up with
the best answer for you.  I do have a couple points you might want to
think about:

    - The "classic" baby goes through a bit of separation anxiety around
      9 months.  Transitions during that time will be more difficult than
      at other times.  I believe that transitions before the first separation
      anxiety tend to be relatively easier than other times.

    - Have you looked around work?  If you can find somebody as good or even
      better than the woman you found close to home, you may never have to
      worry about the transition.

    - You are already changing daycare settings for Paul. (first you, then 
      dad, then two different grandmothers)  How is he handling these
      transitions?  If he adjusts well to these changes, it seems resonable to
      expect he will handle other transitions equally well.

    Time to dust off your crystal ball on this one.

- Carol

    FWIW, I have found an extremely loving and patient women to care for my
    son very close to home and work.  I guess everyone is right when they
    say "go with your gut".  I knew when I talked to her on the phone that
    she would probably be the one but when I went to see her, I knew after
    viewing her with the current children in her care, and how she was with
    my son that she really and geniunely cared about children and he would
    be happy and loved while with her.  
    
    Thanks for all the encouragement!
    
    cj

    Well, My Sammy (almost 2 1/2) started a new daycare about 3 weeks ago.
    It was a tough transition as she is the only child at home (except
    for every other weekend) and was the 'baby' where she was before.  She
    had been going to a home daycare.  Linda has 2 boys 5 and 8 and then
    watched only Sammy full time.  The boys spoiled Samantha and she
    pretty much had the run of the house.  Now, she's in a center with
    lots of other kids and a certain set of rules she needs to follow
    (respect for others and sharing being the most important) and a 
    schedule.  They have breakfast at 8 - break up into classes by
    age group from 9-11, lunch at 11:30, nap after lunch and then free
    play for the rest of the day.  That's a bit different than being
    home, watching movies, coloring when you want etc.  
    
    Anyway - the first week she cried every time I dropped her off.  The
    teachers kept telling me to 'just go, she'll be fine' and she was fine
    by the time I got to work and called but it was hard to just drop her
    off and go without 100 kisses and hugs and have a good days. 
    
    By the second week she would say 'Here we are' when we drove in the
    parking lot and would grab her lunch box and head right in.  There was
    still some nervousness when I dropped her off but she was doing just
    fine.  By the end of the second week she was completely fine and this
    week she has done great.  She walks right in, kisses me goodbye and
    then heads off to play..
    
    Well, I won't be picking her up tonight her dad will which doesn't
    happen very often since the daycare is right on my route to and from 
    work.  So, I stayed those extra few minutes to say goodbye etc.  Well
    that was a big mistake, she screamed when I left, cried big alligator
    tears and everything.  So, today, I understand why the teachers kept
    telling me that first week to 'just go, she'll be fine...' and I now
    feel much better.
    
    I just hope I haven't started the 'tough transition' all over again.

The following is being posted for a member of the PARENTING notesfile
community who prefers to remain anonymous at this time.   If you wish
to contact the author by mail, please send your message to me and I will
forward it to the anonymous noter.    Your message will be forwarded with
your name attached  unless you request otherwise.

Carol Stolicny, PARENTING co-mod
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Has anyone ever changed daycares. If so, how did your children adjust to the
new one?

We are not as happy as we used to be with our center and we are thinking of
changing. Both children (3 and 20 months) have some good friends there and I
am wondering what kind of affect it will have on them.

This isn't an instance of bad care, it is just a case that we aren't totally
happy with some the teachers and policies.

Thanks in advance for your input.

    I've moved my twins twice. I moved them when they were about 2 1/2
    [last November] from an in-home nanny to a family day-care. And I just
    moved them from that family daycare to a regular day-care center this
    Monday [they turned 3 on Saturday].  Both times, my son has adjusted
    immediately -- and I do mean immediately. This past Monday, he didn't
    notice that I hadn't left yet, and was off playing happily.  I have to
    go find him every morning to say good-bye, though I'm not sure it
    matters to him whether I do or not. He adjusts to any situation
    immediately.  Jessica, on the other hand, doesn't like change, so it
    takes her a while longer. She has, however, always made the adjustment
    after a while. And she doesn't cry or anything when I leave; she just
    likes to be with one of the teachers. In fact, she did cry once when I
    left her at the previous sitter's, and was still crying when I went out
    the door. But as I stuck my hands in my pockets to fish out my car
    keys, I realized I hadn't given the sitter the check for the following
    week, so I went back all [probably about 10 seconds later] to find her
    playing happily. 
    
    If your children normally adjust to new situations rapidly, I think
    you'll find the same thing when switching daycare. And kids do adjust
    eventually, so do what you think is best for them.
    
    CathY

    We have changed daycares twice with my son in the past 3 years. First,
    from a friend with her own child, when she decided to go to work, and
    second, when we moved from TX to MA. The first transition, when he was
    about 6 months, was from an in-home situation with one other child a few
    months older to another in-home with 4 other kids, the oldest being
    about 2 years older than him. When we moved to MA, he stayed at home for
    a year, then at about 2 1/2 went into another in-home daycare with 4 or
    5 other kids, all of them within 2 years of his age.

    In both cases, the transitions went well. Both providers were very
    caring and all the kids were good, so there were no problems with them.
    There was the usual crying for a minute or two, but that still happens
    sometimes even now, a year later. I think as long as the kids are moving
    into a happy, active environment with lots of things to stimulate them,
    they are pretty adaptable. They love to explore the new things and new
    people. I wouldn't want to do it frequently, since stability is very
    important, but they can take a little change in stride.

    Between switching daycares, moving between states (heck, practically
    between continents), and through two rental homes into our own home, our
    son has done fine. When we drive past the old houses or streets, he will
    mention it, but it doesn't upset him. We're just surprised that he can
    always recognize them, even in the dark!

    I am planning to change my (2.5 yr old) son's daycare center next month.  
    I am still basically happy with the center he is at.  However, it is 
    close to work, and the new center is closer to home.  There are 
    advantages to each, which made for a tough decision.
    
    For almost two years now, he has been in this center two days per week 
    (he's at home with a sitter two more).  This means he's grown up with 
    many of the other toddlers in his group.
    
    I've talked to both centers about this change, and a couple of things 
    I plan to do...  first, since I'm leaving on good terms (they agree 
    with my reasons for trying to get Andy closer to home), I know that 
    I can always bring him back if things don't go well at the new center.  
    
    Second, I have the advantage of being home with him on Fridays.  So, 
    I've asked if it would be possible for me to come in for about an hour 
    2-3 Fridays before the move (preferably during some sort of "free play" 
    time) so that he can get used to the new center.  In addition, we drive by 
    it about once a week, and I say "that's where your new school will be".
    
    I'm lucky in that Andy adjusts pretty well to new situations, so I'm 
    not sure if all of these precautions to make him comfortable in the new 
    setting are more for him, or for me.
    
    Peggy

    .54
    
    Thanks for putting your note in. You had some good ideas. I am the 
    anonymous enterer (.51). We looked at a center this morning and decided to 
    change to them. I am currently going through a mixture of emotions. 
    The new center will be good because they will get outside more and it is 
    closer to work for me. They also won't put so much emphasis on having to 
    be fully potty trained with no accidents so my oldest can go directly
    into preschool.
    
    I am hoping the boys will adjust fine. I know that it will be a big
    adjustment for me. I too have Fridays off and will make a point of
    driving by.
    
    

Just thought I would share a dilemma I had last week.  Lauren is
moving rooms at her daycare.  The daycare owner suggested she go
with one woman who was trained in ECE and did alot of story boarding.
Her reasoning was Lauren likes to read and her two best buddies
were in that "class".  I was concerned because this teacher will
go on maternity leave in September - so I was leaning towards the
younger teacher who would give consistency (and Lauren is "warmer"
towards).  This teacher plans to return in January.

She changed yesterday, with her best buddy Nicole, and hasn't looked
back (of course it is only Day 2).  I opted to keep her with her 
friends and handle the teacher change as it comes (based on input
from 2 moms and the providers).  Time will tell if this is the right 
choice.

Last week this was a big issue for me, considering how Lauren has
handled it I feel I may have made "a mountain out of a molehill".
Sometimes this working mom thing is so difficult.

    Murphy's Law:  As soon as you tell someone how great your daycare
    provider is, she will give her two week notice.
    
    Paul is ten months old, well Friday.  My sitter has accepted a nanny
    position and has given me two weeks to find another sitter. 
    Needlesstosay, I am very upset over this because of Paul's age and the
    fact that he is getting the "stranger anxiety" and I am concerned about
    the change and how it will affect him.
    
    I have found another person, through my sitter that she highly
    recommended and have "gone with the gut" and will be using her however,
    I have some issues.
    
    1.	This women charges a $75.00 registration fee, non-refundable, every
    	year.  I have "never" seen anything like this, anyone else have?
    
    2.  My current sitter only has one other child besides Paul, Eric, who
        is only two days older than Paul and he will not be going to the women
        that I have found.  I do have the option of having him go the other
        person that Eric is going to but like the women I was referred to
        first.  Will it be easier for Paul to change sitters and be with his
        buddy?  The sitter "I" am interested in has two other children, a
        girl 18 months old and a boy 22 months old. 
    
    Is there anything else that I can do to help him along?  I plan on
    having him attend his first week at only four hours a day and every
    other day instead of two days in a row.  I have written out his
    schedule in detail and had the two women talk on the phone about Paul.  
    
    cj

    CJ,
    
    My daughter, Sarah, is 27 months old, she started daycare at 4 months
    and has had 4 (!) providers in that period.  
    
    Our first provider was wonderful, we were happy, Sarah seemed happy and
    there was a little boy there who was 9 months older than her that
    seemed drawn to her and she to him.  Unfortunately, that situation only
    lasted 2 months as the provider developed a debilitating back problem
    and had to give up her business.  So, at 6 months we had to find
    another provider.  We wondered how she would adapt since she was much
    more aware of her surroundings at this point and had developed
    attachments to the provider and the children.  She did fine, we
    switched her gradually, 4 hours every other day for a week and then
    full time.  It was more traumatic for me than for her.
    
    Our 2nd provider was another great find.  She had another little boy
    that was 4 months older than Sarah and over the 17 months that they
    were together they became best buddies.  Then Donna gave her notice,
    they were moving back to Canada and we had to find other care.  At this
    point, Colby's (her friend) mom and I tried to place them together but
    we couldn't find anything that had 2 openings, so we placed them separately
    and decided to meet once a week at the playground to get the kids together.
    
    Provider #3 didn't work out for either one of us.  References were good
    for both and the couple of meetings we had with both seemed good but
    you just never know until your child is actually there.  Both Sarah and
    Colby started getting withdrawn and quiet (the 2 of them are usually
    non-stop talk) and having major league separation anxiety. The only time 
    they seemed their normal selves was on the days we met after work at the 
    playground.  
    
    So, onto provider #4 and this time we were able to place them together. 
    What a difference!  First, we are both VERY happy with the new provider
    and second, having them together made a world of difference in the
    amount of time it took for them to adapt to their new daycare.  They've
    both made new friends, but having the other there is very comforting.
    
    How long has Paul been at daycare with this current woman?  If it's not
    too long then he'll probably do fine transitioning over to the new
    provider that you've chosen.  Has Paul met the new sitter and the new
    kids yet?  Might be a good idea to see in advance how he reacts to
    them before you make your final decision.  I know 2 weeks isn't a lot
    of time, especially when it's a decision that is going to keep you up
    nights worrying about "Am I doing the right thing?", but you may feel
    better seeing them "in action" before you commit yourself one way or
    the other.
    
    As far as the registration fee goes, I've just started seeing it pop
    up.  With provider #4 we pay $25/year, this is the first time I've ever
    had to pay.  My friend in PA is looking for new daycare and the
    provider she is considering charges 1 weeks registration, $160!  From
    what I've been told, a lot of providers are charging registration fees
    due to the cost of licensing, insurance, etc.
    
    Playing the daycare switching game really stinks, but when you land
    with the right one you can feel the tension leaving your body.
    
    Good luck,
    Susan

    Thanks for the advise Sarah. 
    
    Paul has been with Chris since he was five months old.  He bonded
    quickly with her and Eric has been there from the beginning.  According
    to Chris, they play together very well although Eric is behind Paul
    with milestones such as cruising furniture, talking, etc.
    
    The daycare provider I am interested in is looking forward to Paul
    coming into her home because the 18 month old she feels will benefit
    by having another child close to her age to play with.  The 22 month
    old might be leaving to attend a more structured daycare center type
    place.  She will not have more than three children either, which I like
    very much.
    
    I will have Paul come to see his new sitter and the children before I
    make my final decision.  I'm sure that will help tremendously.
    
    cj

    How important is it for two 10 month old boys to stay together that
    have been together for 5 months?  My son Paul plays well with Eric, 
    but I have great references for one sitter, but Eric's mom is taking
    him to another and says that its very important they stay together for
    transition reasons.  My current sitter is agreeing with her.  
    
    cj

cj,

I donot think it is important that you attempt to keep Paul with Eric.
10 months is too young for them to have developed such a friendship
that will help them with the transition time.  I also moved
my son from one daycare center to another at 10 months.  After the
typical 2 week adjustment period, he did great.  

If the boys were older, over 2, it might be nice to keep them together,
provided you liked both new providers equally.  Even at an older age,
I'd rather place my son with the provider I feel most comfortable with,
rather than compromise on this so that he would be with a playmate.

It sounds like Eric's mom would prefer it if Paul were attending daycare
with her son, so she is trying to make you feel guilty.  I'm not sure
why Chris is encouraging this, unless she has a hidden agenda.

My son is just over 3, and I have moved his daycare 7 times.  He seems
to remember and speak of past providers, but rarely does he mention
past buddies from daycare.

Ginny

I am in a really confused state of mind and am hoping that some of you could
help me decide what to do!

Here's the scenario..

My 18 month old daughter has been in one home daycare since she was 9 months
old.  She is very familiar with the provider and very comfortable there.  This
past weekend, my provider called me to say that she couldn't do daycare on mon. 
On mon, she called me to let me know that she was having some marital
problems..but she would go ahead and do daycare on tues at the same place as
before.  On tues, we took our daughter there, only to find out she couldn't do
daycare that day.  She asked us to look around for another daycare.  We did
start looking around immediately, we have found some temporary care for her this
week. Our original provider called us last night and told us that she and her
husband are splitting up, but she will continue to do daycare at the house from
next week.  They have the house up for sale ( it has been up for sale for a few
months now) and so, she can do daycare till the house sells.

My dilemma?  Should I continue with this temp daycare for this week and then
take my daughter back to the original place ?  In this situation, I might be
forced to look around for daycare within the next few months.  Or should I
continue her at the temp daycare - there's a position available and she could go
there permanently.  Since I am being forced to make the transition now for the
rest of the week, my inclination would be to leave my daughter in the new place.
However, since my daughter was so comfortable at the old place, I am torn..this
decision is a hard one to make!  What would you do under these circumstances ?

--CR.

ps: Note that I had absolutely no problems with the original provider until this
happened.

    
    
    Hmmmmmmmm .... this is a tough one!  I certainly feel for you and your
    situation.  Initially I'd say "Stay with the new place", but since you
    do have some flexibility, and more creative solution might work better,
    most importantly, work better for your daughter.
    
    What if .... you went back to your old sitter for a week or a few
    weeks, to give your daughter the chance to 'say goodbye', and give the
    old sitter a chance to make any adjustments she needs??
    
    The concerns = 
    
    Is the old sitter reliable, or is she so distraught that she may really
    be too distracted to watch the kids?
    
    What does the old sitter want??  Is she saying 'she'll do it' only
    because she feels guilty about pulling out on you?  Does she
    desperately need the cash?  Does she REALLY WANT to do it.
    
    Would the new place tolerate you taking her out and then coming back in
    a couple weeks?
    
    Either way you do it, I'd make the move to find a new place that you'll
    be happy with.  This does by you a little time to make sure that this
    temporary place is really where you want your daughter to be.
    
    It's hard to keep bouncing the kids around - even if all the places
    they're 'bounced' to are familiar, so I'd try to pick a path that would
    lead to a permanent decision.
    
    Good Luck!
    

Only  you know the complete circumstances...

I would be concerned of the ups and downs your old daycare
provider may be in for with an upcoming divorce.  Before
bringing her back - I would have a real heart to heart to
see where she is at emotionally.  

Then go with you gut feelings - advice I have gotten from this
notesfile in the past (actually regarding daycare and transistions).

Good Luck!!

A quick update on our situation -

Our old daycare provider decided that she couldn't do daycare any longer - it
kind of made our decision a little simpler..we had to look around for a  new 
daycare !  We decided to go with the temporary one that we had found...it's
my daughter fourth day there...she starts screaming when my husband pulls into
the driveway there !  Hopefully, this is just the transition phase and will pass
soon...we can't take it much longer !

--CR.

    
    I'm trying to evaluate two daycares for my four-year old daughter.
    Any comments on how to better figure this out.  The two are very
    similar and I'm not sure I'd be making a bad decision either way.
    
    Background:
    	Allison has been with Boxboro Children's Center (BCC) since she
    was 15 months.  She's had the same teacher the whole time but has
    moved from the 2's room to the 3's room.  Starting in the summer
    she would go to the 4's room. Different teacher.
    
    A couple months ago, Allison started talking about going somewhere
    else.  She's bored.  What she would really like to do is go to
    Dance class everyday because it's only 45 minutes and she likes to
    dance.  I've told her that if she switches daycare, it would still be
    fulltime.  I'm not really sure she understands this.
    
    So now I've narrowed it down to staying at BCC or going to Stow's
    Kids-A-Lot.  I would have liked to have moved her to a daycare in Boylston
    but there were no fulltime options there.  (IT's where we live).
    
    Both daycares are very similar.  I've checked out the fours rooms in
    both and like both sets of teachers.  ALlison has checked out both and
    likes Kids-A-Lot.  I think just because it's different.  I'd feel 
    comfortable at both.
    
    BCC - Pros.  Kids mix alot.  Before 9 am, they go downstairs to
    play with the 2-3 year olds.  Between 9-12, it's nursery school.
    After lunch and quiet time, they mix with the kindergartens.  After
    3:30, they are back with the 3 year olds or stay upstairs and play
    with afterschool kids (6-9 year olds). I think she'd be less bored here
    in the long run.  
    
    Cons - Same school.  Dirt.  The play area is dirt.  IT used to have
    grass but now it's just dirt.  Also, she's very comfortable here and
    feels no pressure to participate if she doesn't want to.  However,
    I think with the new teacher, she would.
    
    Kids-A-Lot - Pros. Lots of outside activity and a change from BCC.
                    
    Cons - Same room all day except when they play outside.
     More expensive.
    
    
    
    
    

    
    Well, maybe it's just my kids, but after ~7 yrs of this daycare stuff,
    I'm firmly convinced that no matter WHERE you choose, your child is
    going to want to change, just to have something different.  Meet
    different kids, have different rules, different opportunities.  Kind of
    like us changing jobs.  The big thing is to try to maintain some
    control over it so that you're not flipping kids around every 6 mos. 
    My most recent cut at it is going to be at LEAST 1 year at a place (and
    they do have the option of helping to choose the place), and probably
    more like 2 yrs.  Especially older kids, get used to things changing,
    and I think it doesn't do anyone any favors to keep that sort of stuff
    so constant.  I remember Jason being this way even at 4 yrs old.  Not
    that Option B was necessarily more exciting or even better - just that
    it was DIFFERENT!
    
    As long as it's not bad, and not a lot more money, I'd definitely
    consider switching.
    
    
    -patty

    My daughter will be 4 in September this year.  She will not attend
    kindergarten in the town she is in Daycare, which means I need to
    change daycare centers before she goes to kindergarten. 
    
    Right now she is in daycare in Littleton.  They have a waiting list for
    kindergarted that doesn't look promising.  I think it would be best to
    move her to a new daycare before she moves to kindergarten.  I think
    the transition from an old daycare to a new kindergarten and a new
    daycare at the same time would be too much. 
    
    Has anyone moved a child who was over 4 years old?  How did he/she do. 
    There are lots of replys here that are around infants.  What about the
    older ones.  
    
    Why is it that parents seem to have more problems than the kids?
    
    Comments?
    
    Lisa Cozzens 

    Lisa,
    
    Carrie was 4 when we moved her out of the daycare home she had been in
    from 6 weeks.  We didn't move her into another daycare as Frank took
    the TFSO from IBM and we decided he should take some time off.  We
    strted by moving her part time at Lorraine's, and part time at home. 
    We eventually did a "graduation" for her as a transition.  Since
    Lorraine did this for all the kids who moved out of her daycare and
    into school-age groups, anyway, so Carrie took it in stride that she
    was now a "big Kid."  Lorraine didn't watch kids once they started
    kindergarten.
    
    meg

    
    I writing this because I'm so upset about this and emotional and you
    all seem to help with your opinions and feelins, whether they're
    different from mine or not.  My husband isn't one to look at why this
    situation upsets me so, he's just mad, but then he's not the primary
    parent on daycare issues, so here's my story.  
    
    Since moving almost 3 years ago, I have been at the same home daycare. 
    I have grown from a 2 daycare children family to 3 during that time. 
    My children are now 1,3,&5 years old and daycare needs have changed as
    kindergarten & preschool have entered into the picture.  My 5 year old
    during the school week only required 2 hours after school.  My 3 year
    old requires 5.5-6 hours a day after the AM pre-school session (same
    school) and my 1 year old is FT at daycare.  I need FT for summers and
    most scholl vacation weeks.
    
    My expectations (wishes) for daycare if life were perfect, but I still
    have to work FT, was that my kids go to a home day care together when
    not in school, forever in the same daycare untill they are old enough
    not to need after school care.  I pick home day care because I want my
    children's enviroment to be most like a situation if my husband or I
    were home with them after school.  The daycare provider and her family
    are our friends and family as are the other daycare children, sort of
    like a bunch of extra cousins.  This is exactly the way it has been for
    3 years.  Business is business and we are friends & adopted family as
    well.  My children feel the same way.
    
    The situation:
    
    My daycare provider's husband is going to be laid off for several
    months due to a work location change.  I beleive they also have other
    financial problems, i.e. too many bills for the amount of income, and
    she tells me that the food program is reduceing the amounts of
    re-imbursement????  She is also coming up for re-licencing and MASS
    providers can only have 6 children at a time in their care under 10 (I
    think) including their own children.  She was once reported as having
    more than six, which was true.  She went over her 6 by 1 child for 1 or
    2 hours after school on 1 day during the week and she was caught.  So,
    for all the above reasons, she can only have 4 slots (she has a amost 3 
    & almost 8 year old) in her daycare and can only afford to have the FT
    rate for the 4 slots.  She can not take the over enrolling even for 1/2
    hours after school, so if I want to keep all my children in her care, I
    need to pay 3 FT rates (slightly discounted for 3) whether my child is
    there 9 hours or 2 a day.  Thge rate is up 35% for my school time rate
    and up 20% for my summer rate.  She gave me prices for  1 (FT rate no
    discounts) 2 full timer prices & the 3 FT slots.  The 2 FT slots are
    are only discounted aboiut 8%.  She went up or gave notice to all the
    other children in her care as well.
    
    She (&I) cried when she officially gave my the business letter with the
    increase and when (mid-April), becasue she knows I can't afford it and
    I know she really can't afford to continue to give me the discounts we
    negotiated last year when my 3rd son was added to the picture.  My
    husband (being mad) thinks that's not true.  I don't think she'd lie to
    me.  So she at risk of losing me and some or all of my children and
    just from a business standpoint, I am a good client as she is a good
    provider for me.  My 2 oldest are upset, as I explained to them I would
    be looking at many options and that they might have to go to a new
    daycare and I briefly explained why.  They do not get though, the money
    concept is not there yet.  "Why don't I just get more money at the
    bank, etc".
    
    I have called all friend for references and called Child Care
    connection for info.  Early info from CCC tells me that my FT summer
    rate my not be out of the ball park with licienced home day cares, but
    that what I was paying (before the rate increase) was higher than the
    average for where I live even with the discounts.
    
    I am looking at all options even though there is one I don't like;
    taking all children to a new provider.  One provider I'm meeting with
    tomorrow, says she will ONLY take all 3 as a family due to her pricing
    discounts for the school age children are based upon the 1 FT slot and
    it's her personal belief that the kids should not be seperated.  Her
    rates would be more than $4,200.00 per year less than my old provider.
    ( I saw less because she normally works a 4 day week M-T but she will
    work Fridays for me, but wants the children picked up by 3PM.  I think
    between my husband & I we can work this out, and she said she's reduce
    my rate accordinly. I can't for the life of me imagine how much less as
    she has said my 2 hours a day son is already basically free!) 
    I have some other options that range from the 2 oldest at one place
    with the baby still at my current provider which in some cases might be
    almost the same I'm paying now altogether (even with my current
    provider's increase) and I have other price ranges that go up from my
    current to more than my provider's increase based upon which child goes
    somewhere new and where the place is.
    
    Why I am so upset with this is 1, I didn't want to cahnge at all.  The
    rational thinker (if all thing are similar when I meet tomorrow) would
    say you idiot, go for the savings of $4,200.00 plus!!!  Some of the
    other options include friends that are not licienced, and would take my
    school age children but can't take the baby (untill summer) and the
    they could use the money and I already know them and the list is
    endless.  My kid's are upset because they will miss Barbara's family
    and Barbara is a second mother to my kids.  I think if I pull all my
    children it may change our freind ship and relationship, not sure
    though since having my kids there was how I gained the relationship.  I
    just cry everytime I think about it.  I already told her I was looking
    at all my options and that I might have to take the 2 oldest out,
    becasue at the time I didn't think I'd consider pulling all 3 children
    out.  Shge said she's even work out something on the summer if I wanted
    to share between the friends that can only do the 2 oldest, during the
    school year but could take all 3 in the summer together between 2
    friends/houses.
    
    Am I crazy?? What are your thoughts, and most importantly, what have
    been your experiences if you have had similar day care transitions?? 
    Any comments will help me just becasue I have no one to talk about this
    with and I feel horrible about what this is doing to me and my children.  
    Thanks in advance.   Beth
    

    
    	Beth,
    
    	I can't help with your decision, but I can say I
    	empathize.  I may be in the same boat next January
    	when I return to work.
    
    	Karen
    

this may not help...
at our school we offer 'after school' care until 5:30.
Many kids stay at school till then.

perhaps your oldest could stay there and the younger two
could stay in the home care environment.
bob

    Beth,
    
    This is the toughest situation to be in - because as you said up
    front, it's business combined with personal friendship.  You're at
    the point now where you need to make the proper business decision
    for the best care for your 3 children - one that is reliable and
    predictable.  While I admire your lengthy description about the
    possible flexibility of your current provider could offer, it sounds
    almost unmanagable.  I had a hard time following the possibilities -
    but in any case never did the include all of your children within
    a financial area you could afford.
    
    Having had 2 boys go thru daycare from infancy thru elementary
    school, and now having a 4 month old son introduced into the whole
    thing again - you must go for simplicity and predictability.  If
    the new potential provider (that can take all 3 children) is
    reliable and checks out reference-wise, that'd be my choice.  It
    seems to satisfy all of the criteria you specified (home setting,
    all children together), plus save you some money at the same time.
    
    The real "gotcha" here is your friendship with the current provider.
    You seem to feel that removing all 3 children might jeopardize your
    friendship.  I contend it might have the opposite effect.  If
    their family is in a money crunch, and they need 4 full-time
    slots to make ends meet, your best to allow here to adequately
    fill all 4 of those slots so they can continue financially with
    some comfort.  While her flexibility to accomodate you might be
    good from a "friendship" standpoint, it may in fact be taking some
    sorely-needed money from her pocket.  
    
    I'd talk the situation over with her, stating your intent to remove
    all 3 for all of the reasons you've given us here.  If she's truely
    a friend, she'll understand your reasoning.  The other thing to think
    about is if things with her family get worse over time (like they
    have to move or if the financial situation worsens), you might be
    walking into a tougher situation if you decide to move later, or if
    she asks for more money.  Just something to think about.
    
    andy
    

    Beth,
    
    I don't have time for a lengthy reply, but keep in mind that there are
    a lot of *wonderful* options out there.  In the midst of making the
    change it is difficult to have a perspective that far out, but I have
    found that usually I was happy with the change and it added another
    dimension to our family.
    
    My best to you.  It's always hard to make these kind of changes.
    
    judy