Conference misery::feline

523.0. "Dave Barry Feature" by TENAYA::WALTERS (one who waits) Mon Mar 22 1993 17:29

(Reprinted without permission from From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Dave Barry)
Newsgroups: clari.feature.dave_barry

HERE ARE SOME EXCITING DEVELOPMENTS IN CAT CARE
BY DAVE BARRY

	Today's animal topic is: Cat Care
	Over the years, many cat-lovers have asked me: ``Dave, how come you
never write about cats? Is it because you don't LIKE cats? Is it because
cats are vicious, unprincipled household parasites that will stroll up
to the person who has fed them for 17 years and, without provocation,
claw this person's shin flesh into lasagna? Is it because they are lazy,
ungrateful, hairball-spewing ... HEY! These aren't cat-lover quotations!
You're making these quotations up!''
	OK, so I do not harbor a great fondness for cats. But I intend to
change my ways, because I sincerely, in my heart, want to cash in on the
wave of Cat Mania that is sweeping the nation. The cause of this wave
is, of course, the Clinton family cat, Socks Rodham Clinton, who was
recently confirmed as Official White House Pet following lengthy Senate
hearings in which it was determined that he had never knowingly employed
illegal aliens. (Socks did, in his youth, experiment with catnip but he
did not inhale.)
	So today I'm going to report some exciting developments in cat care.
I'm not making these developments up; they were all brought to my
attention by alert, cat-loving readers such as Sharon Boltz, who sent me
a newspaper advertisement for: the Cat Tub. This is a cat-washing
device, and it's about time somebody invented one, because if you have
ever attempted to wash a cat by hand, you are dumber than you look.
	The Cat Tub ad has a photograph of a cat sitting inside a wire
basket; the cat's head and front paws are sticking out the top, through
a loose collar. The basket has been submerged, up to the cat's neck, in
a clear plastic cylinder filled with water. There's a hose attached to a
kitchen faucet so that water circulates around the cat, like a washing
machine. You just KNOW how much the cat is enjoying this. The cat is
staring at the camera, clearly thinking: ``Somehow, someday, I am going
to evolve to the point where I can order a handgun by mail and GET EVEN
with the person who invented this.''
	I called up this person, a San Diego architectural draftsman named
Brad Davis, who told me that he invented the Cat Tub five years ago for
his cat, Juan, when he (Juan) developed a flea problem.
	``I had to bathe him a lot, and it was VERY difficult,'' he said.
``Cats go ballistic when you put them in water. And they have claws.''
	(I just want to note for the record that dogs NEVER scratch you when
you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they
did wrong.)
	Davis said that the Cat Tub restrains the cat ``very humanely,'' so
that it has no choice but to sit there and get clean and hate you.
Although Davis claims that most cats seem to adjust.
	``OK, they don't LOVE it,'' he said. ``But they TOLERATE it.''
	Anyway, I think this is a terrific sanitation concept, which might
someday be adapted for use with larger hard-to-bathe species such as
cows, horses and my son. The Cat Tub retails for $59.95; for more
information, write to 2445 Juan St., San Diego, Calif. 92110. Operators,
in the form of Brad Davis, are standing by.
	Another new wrinkle in cat hygiene was brought to my attention by
Patricia Southward, who mailed me a newspaper article concerning a
senior-citizen talent show in Sanford, Fla. The show featured an act by
a woman named Harriett Boyd, her cat ``Streaky,'' and her small dog. The
article, by Mark Barfield, states:
	``The little dog ran around the stage while Boyd held the cat draped
over her shoulder, made it sit and stay on a stand while she walked away
and vacuumed it.
	``Yes, she vacuumed the cat, to its obvious pleasure. She rubbed the
roaring attachment over the cat's back while it stretched in luxurious
appreciation.''
	Needless to say, this act won the silver talent medal. I would not be
surprised to see your big international stars such as Michael Jackson
vacuuming cats on stage while a little dog (played by Marky Mark) runs
around.
	Anyway, let's say you have washed and vacuumed your cat, and now
you'd like to give it a nice meal. But let's say, for one reason or
another, your cat has no teeth. In this case you will want to purchase a
product featured in an advertisement sent in by Ellen Feehan. The
advertisement has a picture of a scientific-looking device, next to
which is the following headline, which I swear I am not making up:
	``Only the Polytron reduces an entire mouse to a soup-like homogenate
in 30 seconds.''
	Like most people, I have always yearned for such a capability, so I
called the manufacturer, Brinkmann Instruments, and spoke with a
customer-service representative named Jeanette. She told me that the
Polytron is used for laboratory-sample preparation by the scientific
community, which is constantly striving to achieve important
breakthroughs in mankind's ability to do stuff to mice.
	``It's kind of like a very strong food processor,'' she said.
	I asked her if any cat-owners had bought Polytrons so they could
provide their pets with nutritious Liquid Mouse Treats, and she said she
didn't think so, because the basic model costs over $4,000. This is a
lot of money for the average civilian, but your more affluent cat-loving
individuals and institutions could easily afford a Polytron. I
understand that the White House has ordered six.
	
	(C) 1993 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.