| Raising Chidren: Parental Control
Sunday, July 29, 1990
Lowell First Church of the Nazarene
1145 Varnum Avenue
Lowell, Massachusetts 01854
Mark Metcalfe, Teaching
Our previous lessons have dealt with our relationship to our spouse.
Last week's lesson dealt with the aspects of our parental responsi-
bilities.
Before we deal with children, we must first deal with ourselves. This
is why it was important for us to have spent so much time on our own
relationship to God and our mate, before moving into our relationship
with our children.
This week, we'll be focusing on the child in the parent-child rela-
tionship and discussing ways that we can put the principles of good
parenting to use. Specifically, we'll talk about the most difficult
part of child-rearing: discipline.
Since this will be my last week teaching on this subject, I'll be dis-
cussing both loving control and dealing with problem situations.
As a parent, I know how much I wish I did not ever have to discipline
my children. But I also know that if I do not discipline them now, the
minor troubles would grow into unmanageable monsters (if not the chil-
dren themselves turning into monsters).
For those of us who have stubborn children, and for those of us who
have allowed our children to have nearly free reign for too long, let
me assure you that it is [probably] not too late to apply some of the
behavior controls we'll be discussing today.
I should warn you that if you have been letting your child get away
with things, it may be very difficult to bring them into proper be-
havior, but continuing in a destructive pattern makes the fight to take
back your child's control of his or her life worth fighting.
Remember that the authoritative parenting style was high control and
high support. By controlling a child when he or she is a child, (and
by supporting the child in good measure), it frees the child when he
or she becomes an adult to be a benefit to society and not a detri-
ment.
1 Valuing Your Child
We are correct to say that children are people and should be treated
with human dignity. This is not to say that children are adults.
Sometimes children do and say some very adult things; sometimes adults
do some very childish things. However, children need guidance in life
to become effective young Christian people, as we described as part
of the goals for good parenting.
Children are people and not part of our material inventory. While this
statement may not seem profound to some of us, there are some who treat
children as assets to their family, much like the BMW in the garage.
This is not the attitude one should have about children when apply-
ing loving controls on a child.
We need to realize (and remind ourselves often) that we have an "adult
in the making" under our supervision, and not an intelligent pet. Treat
your child with the respect and dignity that any human deserves.
2 Control and Restriction
Words like control and restriction are negative words in today's Amer-
ican society, except where the law specifies that certain restrictions
and controls are necessary to protect the members of the community.
In this case, controls and restrictions are for the benefit of the com-
munity and ultimately each individual in the community.
It is similar with children: controls and restrictions help to ensure
that others are safe from the unbridled child, but more importantly,
it helps to ensure that the child remains safe and grows to become a
responsible adult.
Let's look at some of the ways we, as parents, can bring loving con-
trol back into our families.
3 Agreeing on Terms
The most effective way to encourage good behavior in our children is
for mom and dad to be in complete harmony on the principles of child-
rearing. Too often I have seen families with two sets of rules. In these
cases, the rules of the house almost always default to the parent who
is most lenient and permissive.
Before you can develop principles and methods about child-rearing, you
must be clear with each other just what you both want in your chil-
dren's behavior.
As your children grow, discuss your child's behavior and develop strat-
egy to maintain good behavior and discourage poor behavior.
You must be united in purpose and implementation to effectively de-
velop your children into well-adjusted people. And if your spouse told
a child "no," do not countermand it. If you countermand something you
spouse said without knowing that your spouse had first said it, your
child is trying to manipulate you and he or she should be punished (ap-
propriately).
Communicate to your child that Mommy and Daddy are of one mind, and
if Mommy says "no," then daddy says "no," too, and they are not to play
this kind of game.
4 Communication
Paramount in the responsibility to raising children is communication.
As parents, we need to be clear about our expectations of our chil-
dren.
Good and bad behavior begins with knowing exactly what we expect good
and bad behavior to be. We need to communicate our expectations and
rewards for good behavior and also to communicate the consequences of
bad behavior,
Communicating these expectations leads to family rules. In develop-
ing family rules, consider the following criteria:
1. A good rule is reasonable...
...and a reasonable rule is easily communicated. For example, rea-
sons for not playing in the street or near a wood stove can eas-
ily be explained because there is an obvious benefit by avoiding
this behavior.
I believe Dobson said it something like this: "You wouldn't let your
2-year old drive your car because he or she is not yet capable of
handling the skill or responsibility required to do so."
Family rules can benefit both parent and child, like bedtime, for
instance:
o It gives the child the sleep they need (despite the fact that
they nearly always say they do not need it).
o And, just as importantly, it gives Mom and Dad some necessary
evening time together to keep their relationship strong.
2. A good rule can be understood and can be carried out by the child.
A 3-year old is able to pick up toys after play time is over. Mak-
ing the bed and taking out the garbage is perhaps not appropriate
for a 3-year old, but it can be appropriate for a 6-year old.
3. Evaluate your rules and be willing to change them, if necessary.
Like we just stated, rules that were effective and appropriate at
age 4 may not be effective or appropriate at age 6. Andrew is not
allowed to touch the VCR and needs to be reminded periodically. Mi-
randa has been instructed in its proper use and simply has to ask
for permission.
Miranda (10-years old) can make some things at the stove now with-
out Supervision (we supervised her first few times); Emily (4-years
old) is able to make toast.
If we were to tell Andrew (our 2-year old), "Go to your room," we
may as well be telling the kitchen table to go to Andrew's room.
Andrew responds to different stimuli at his stage in life than does
Miranda at her stage in life. Andrew responds to physical repri-
mands; Miranda responds to deprivation of privileges.
NOTE
June 3, 1993 update: Andrew has received two spankings by Joy
in the last year. I asked the kids last night when was the last
time they were spanked. None of them, including Andrew, re-
membered. Joy, who rememebers everything, like things people
wore on specific occasions, remembered when and why Andrew "got
it." The point is that spanking is a *VERY* rarely employed
tool of discipline if the ground rules are established early
and consistently kept with the balance of loving support.
Spanking is not necessary for Miranda (except in very special cases
- for example, she acted like a 3-year old and we told her that if
it continued, we would treat her as one. She got a spanking from
Joy very soon after. But for all practical purposes, spanking as
a discipline is no longer applicable to Miranda).
In other words, treat each child according to their abilities, needs,
and maturity, not according to a rigid set of inflexible rules.
4. A good rule is consistent with the individual child.
This seems out of place with being willing to change the rules. This
is because you should only change the rules when you realize that
they are inconsistent, no longer applicable, or unfair to others
under your roof.
It is extremely important to follow through with support and dis-
cipline in any and every setting. Do not have rules for the home,
and rules for the restaurant, and rules for company - have rules
for good behavior.
5. A good rule is consistent in any locality.
Have your children ever misbehaved in a restaurant or in a store?
Your child knows when he or she is in public, that Mom or Dad is
more likely to appease their demands.
I once had to remove Miranda from a restaurant when she was 2-years
old. I told her to behave. I then told her to behave or I would take
her outside to the car and spank her. I then had to take her out
to the car and spank her. Before returning to the restaurant, I com-
municated my expectation that she would now behave well or I would
spank her again and she would not like it. She behaved nicely for
the rest of the meal (to the amazement of some of the patrons who
commented on it before they left the restaurant).
To allow a child to misbehave in some settings but not in others
fosters misbehavior and testing in all settings.
6. A good rule is consistent between siblings.
If you make one child eat an undesirable vegetable one night, but
the following night you allow another child to get away without eat-
ing their undesirable vegetable, you foster sibling jealousy, sib-
ling rivalry, low-self esteem ("she likes him better"), and bad feel-
ings.
It is good for you to be flexible in some areas.
With things like vegetables, it is perfectly permissible to waive
a rule like this, so long as you treat all the children the same.
With child 1: "You do not have to eat the spinach tonight." Next
time with child 2: "You do not have to eat your lima beans, tonight."
This is actually extending a privilege to your child.
Be very sure that you communicate that your waiver is an exception
and that the rule for eating lima beans will be in effect the next
time you have them. Failing to communicate that this is an excep-
tion to the rule sets up the expectation that the child can decline
anytime he or she chooses.
Be very careful of the rules you waive. If you do them too often,
you establish a pattern of erosion. And DO NOT waive the important
things like undesirable behavior; I am talking about extending priv-
ileges (like staying up an extra half hour, not having to eat an
undesirable vegetable, etc.), not excusing misbehavior.
Ensure that you and your child understand each other regarding expected
behavior.
Some other ways to encourage good behavior follow.
5 Natural Consequences
Sometimes, the best way to teach your child about inappropriate be-
havior is to let them experience the natural negative consequences of
their actions. For example, a child of constantly teases a kitten may
learn best if the kitten scratches back. A child who is repeatedly for-
gets to bring her lunch to school might remember better if she goes
without lunch one day.
Of course, there is a limit to this type of teaching. It is absurd to
allow your child to play in the street.
As parents, we much each determine if the consequences would be too
dangerous or serious to allow our children to experience first-hand.
6 Logical Consequences
As a child gets older, this becomes one of the most important meth-
ods of developing good behavior. The benefits of logical consequences
are numerous:
1. The consequence does the teaching.
2. Logical consequences avoid arbitrary punishments which can some-
times be too harsh for, or unrelated to, poor behavior. Arbitrary
punishments can produce resentment in a child.
3. When communicated ahead of time, the child will more readily ac-
cept a logical consequence punishment, (which is not to say they'll
enjoy it, of course). When the cause and effect is understood by
the child, he or she will recognize that the punishment, although
not fun, is fair.
4. When you have a punishment to impose on a child, a logical conse-
quence makes you less likely to give in to being frustrated, and
nagging or angrily lecturing your child (which rarely has an ef-
fect, anyway).
Some examples of logical consequences are as follows:
o If a child leaves his tricycle in the driveway, the tricycle might
be taken away for a few days. (And make it stick.)
o Develop the family rule: "If you make a mess, clean it up."
o A child who cannot get up on time in the morning may need to go to
bed that much earlier the next evening.
o Toys and things left in the living room might "disappear" for a week
or so.
Have a "banishment box" that things go into that is not allowed to
be touched until the predetermined time has elapsed. Let me tell
you that many children won't miss a toy that much, with all the toys
they have, but it is extremely effective with a favorite toy, pil-
low, or blanket.
o A child who sneaks an extra TV show when mom is busy may lose TV
privileges the next day.
7 Reinforcement
Reinforcement is another powerful tool to encourage children to be-
come well-adjusted, good-natured individuals.
The principle of reinforcement states that behavior that is rewarded
will be repeated. This includes both good and bad behavior.
1. Use something your child wants to happen to reinforce something that
you want to happen.
And state things in a positive way, whenever possible. For exam-
ple, "As soon as you make your bed, you can go out and play." In-
stead of, "You can't go out and play until you make your bed."
"As soon as you are quiet, I'll finish reading the story." Not "if
you don't be quiet I'll stop reading the story."
Stating things positively is a matter of self-training and disci-
pline. Work at it.
2. We should positively reinforce good behavior in our children through
other rewards.
Rewards can be something like the following:
o Stars on a chart for accomplished chores
o A trip to the ice cream parlor for going a whole week with suck-
ing his or her thumb
o A TV movie for completing all the homework assignments on time.
Rewards can be short-range (at the end of the day), mid-range (at
the end of the week or month), or long-range (at the end of sum-
mer or the school year).
3. Catch them being good!
Too often we give our children feedback when they are misbehaving,
and sometimes children will misbehave to get our attention, because
negative attention is better than no attention at all. Be sure that
you give positive reinforcement at a different time than the times
your child misbehaves for attention.
Remember I said that the opposite of love is not hate but indif-
ference. Love and hate are passions and they impact us; indiffer-
ence leaves a vacuum, a void, an emptiness.
Make a point to notice and say something about your child's good
behavior. "You did a great job on making you bed this morning." "I
notices that you asked your brother if you could use his crayons
instead of just taking them -good for you!" "Thank you for not in-
terrupting me while I was on the phone. Now what did you need?"
4. NEVER give positive reinforcement to negative behavior. (unless you
are a masochist)
DO NOT coax your child to come to the dinner table with a cookie.
You will teach your child that the way to get a cookie is to dis-
obey and not come to the table when called.
DO NOT pick up or cuddle your child when he or she whines and fusses.
You will teach your child that the way to get cuddled is to whine
and fuss. We often say something like this to our whining children:
"I'm sorry, but I do not understand you when you whine."
DO NOT allow your child to disobey you without an appropriate pun-
ishment. You will teach your child that what you say is not what
you mean. You also teach your child that he or she is in control
to do what they want. This is not the way to enable your child to
explore his potentials. Do you want to see how poor his behavior
can become? Is this the potential you want to see?
8 Extinction
The principle of extinction states that behavior that goes unrewarded
will eventually disappear.
If you do not feed (with your actions and attitudes) the bad (or the
good) behavior, it will not grow. Of course, we want to feed the good
behavior and starve the bad behavior; we want to reinforce the good
behavior and extinguish the bad behavior.
o A child who throws a temper tantrum should be placed in his or her
room with the door shut and ignored.
Tantrums are shows that are effective only when they are noticed.
I have observed that when my children are punished and sent to their
room, their cries become much louder when they get to their room.
They want to make certain in no uncertain terms that we know they
don't like being punished. (Who does?)
If the tantrum or crying become defiant, the child pounds on the
walls or breaks things, then you need to take firm action. This usu-
ally means corporal punishment followed by a resumption of the pre-
vious punishment. The child should continue to be ignored in their
room to discourage such behavior.
o When our children whine at us, we often use something like this:
"I'm sorry, but I do not understand you when you whine, so I will
not answer you."
It is doubly important to respond when the child doesn't whine!
o When we brought Miranda home from the hospital, she kept us up all
night; in the hospital they have lights on all day so she didn't
have any concept of day or night.
The following night, I put Miranda up in our room at 7 o'clock af-
ter she had been fed and changed (all her needs were taken care of).
She screamed and screamed for hours. Joy would look at me plain-
tiffly and say, "but what if there something wrong?"
Joy checked on her every hour or two to make sure the diaper was
dry and to assure her that everything was all right (we weren't aban-
doning her), but that was all! We did not pick her up.
At around 10:30 or 11:00, we went to bed. Joy fed Miranda who, by
this time had been screaming in a darkened room for almost four hours.
Miranda ate and went to sleep, exhausted and woke up for feeding
at around 4 in the morning.
The next evening, she got into a routine of sleeping at night time,
except for her feedings.
Jessica was more of a crier, so this extinction technique has its
limits. But it worked for Miranda.
o If the child's need are met, the parent can gently and firmly refuse
to entertain a child at night and go back to bed. If you have be-
havior that is already entrenched, start your discipline and hold
out as long as you can. It may take hours the first few days, then
half-hours for another week, then minutes after that.
You have to be in control of the situation and disallow the child
to manipulate you.
9 Spanking
Spanking is probably the most controversial subject in regard to dis-
ciplining children. Joy and I have spanked our children, mainly when
they were young. We do not have to spank much at all as they grow older.
Other than Andrew, who is just 2-years old, I can't remember the last
time I spanked my other children.
NOTE
June 3, 1993: I can't remember the last time I spanked any of my
kids. As the note previously stated in this article, Joy remem-
ber the last two occurrences in the past year because they are
so infrequent. Andrew is nearly 5 now.
He who spares the rod hates his son, and he who loves him is careful
to discipline him.-Proverbs 13:24
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline
will drive it far from him. -Proverbs 22:15
The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself dis-
graces his mother. -Proverbs 29:15
Consider the following things regarding spanking:
o Do not spank in anger.
Spanking should be administered as a controlled response to delib-
erate disobedience.
o Spanking is most appropriate in the younger years.
How young? Miranda received her first swat on the (diaper-padded)
rear when she was 6-months old. The time to begin spanking is when
your child is old enough to consciously choose to disobey you.
Miranda was told not to touch my phonograph records, which she did
not do while Joy was in the room. (Joy could tell the wheels were
spinning in this little girl's mind.)
When Joy left the room, she observed Miranda where Miranda could
not see her. Miranda checked to ensure that her mother was gone and
made a bee-line for the records. It was deliberate.
o Parents need to establish their authority early. Then as the chil-
dren grow in a good parent/good communication atmosphere, other meth-
ods of control will be all that is needed.
o You cannot reason with a toddler when they are being defiantly dis-
obedient. Children will love and respect their parents more of they
have the courage to be decisive and control through loving author-
ity and family leadership.
10 Dealing with Problem Situations
What do we do if we have a behavior problem in one of our children?
NOTE
I do not use the term "problem child." Value your child; devalue
bad behavior; encourage good behavior.
We can learn this from God's unconditional love, who loves the
sinner and hates the sin. Discipline is administered out of love
for the person and hatred for the misbehaving.
First, we need to take inventory of ourselves.
o What are the contributing contexts for the problem behavior?
Sometimes parents are contributing factors through permissiveness
or neglect or authoritarianism.
Sometimes we haven't given the proper instruction, structure, or
accountability for the child to behave properly.
Sometimes rules are too hard to follow and misbehaving is not a di-
rect disobedience.
Sometimes our husband and wife relationship does not create a sense
of security and peace, or it is so fragile that the children mis-
behave out of fear and insecurity. (Children know when there are
problems in the home.)
o What are the factors in the behavioral situation that we, as par-
ents, have control over and can learn from to keep a behavior from
reoccurring or occurring in the first place?
Second, when problem behavior occurs, we need to deal decisively when
it occurs. Waiting until later lends itself to losing its effective-
ness.
Remember and remind yourself that the parents raise the children. Take
control of the little people and in doing so, encourage their indi-
viduality, their creativeness, their self-value.
|
| Parenting
Sunday, July 23, 1990
Updated: June 1, 1993
Lowell First Church of the Nazarene
1195 Varnum Avenue
Lowell, Massachusetts 01854
Mark Metcalfe, Teaching
This week, we are going to talk about parenting styles and the goals
of good parenting.
Before we begin to investigate how we become good parents to our chil-
dren, we need first to realize that people aren't perfect and that means
that we as parents will not be perfect.
1 Forgiving Our Parents
What this also means is that our first line of business towards be-
coming a good parent is to forgive the shortcomings of each of our par-
ents.
My father spoke to me one day and said that his parents were not per-
fect, and there were things he remembers about his parents that hurt
him. "But," he said, "there comes a time in a man's life when he has
to forgive his parents for the perceived wrongs. And I know I haven't
been the perfect father. And you'll have to deal with it and hopefully
forgive me for it, as your children will deal with your imperfections
and hopefully forgive you."
My father's words to me were liberating because, even though I honor
my parents, there were incidences that I can remember with feelings
of hurt associated with them-and the truth that he spoke enabled me
to forgive those incidences. Before, I didn't know how to deal with
them; I simply repressed them.
Forgiveness is liberating because it sweeps the dirt out the door and
enables us to begin the task of improving and learning from the ex-
periences we grew up with.
I realize that some of us grew up in less fortunate, perhaps abusive,
familial surroundings. Having an abusive parent can emotionally crip-
ple someone; their vision of God is distorted, among other things.
Forgiveness does not erase the hurt one feels, but it releases it for
God to deal with. We hold on to hurts (call it carrying a grudge) as
if it was personal property. Forgiveness is an act of the will and not
an act of emotion.
By forgiving our parents for their mistakes, we begin parenting with
a clean slate and understanding of our frailties.
2 Parenting Styles
Most of us haven't thought of the kind of parents we are. Parents are
parents, right? Not quite. We are individuals with individual marriage
relationships and individual temperaments that relate to individual
children.
Whether we like it or not, many of us pick up a lot of our parenting
style from our parents because it is part of our experience. However,
our own temperaments are a better gauge to evaluate our style with an
aim towards becoming more effective parents.
The University of Minnesota did a study on the effectiveness of four
common parenting styles. The researchers found two factors to be the
most influential in parenting: Parental Control and Parental Support.
o Parental Control is the ability of parents to manage a child's be-
havior.
o Parental Support is the ability to make a child feel loved.
The following chart that shows the major parenting styles. It is likely
that your parents didn't fall into the extreme corners of this chart
but fell somewhere where all the dots represent the various mixes of
support and control. You can determine how you feel your parents did
at parenting by assessing how much support they gave you and how much
control they had over you. The mix of the two helps to plot a point
on the chart. More difficult is assessing ourselves as parents. Where
do we fall in terms of supporting our children, and in terms of con-
trolling our children?
High Support
|-------------------------------------------------------------|
|..............................|..............................|
|..............................|..............................|
L |..............................|..............................| H
o |..............................|..............................| i
w |..............................|..............................| g
|.......Permissive.............|.......Authoritative..........| h
|.........Parenting............|.........Parenting............|
C |..............................|..............................|
o |..............................|..............................| C
n |..............................|..............................| o
t |..............................|..............................| n
r |-------------------------------------------------------------| t
o |..............................|..............................| r
l |..............................|..............................| o
|..............................|..............................| l
|..............................|..............................|
|.......Neglectful.............|.......Authoritarian..........|
|.........Parenting............|.........Parenting............|
|..............................|..............................|
|..............................|..............................|
|..............................|..............................|
|..............................|..............................|
|..............................|..............................|
|-------------------------------------------------------------|
Low Support
The researchers were interested in finding out how each of the four
parenting styles affected children in the following categories:
o What style produced the highest number of children who had a strong
sense of self-worth, having a healthy self-respect, and feeling happy
to be who they are?
o How did parenting style affect a child's ability to conform to proper
authority (teachers, parents, etc.)?
o How well have children accepted their parents' religious values and
practices?
o What effect did parenting styles have on children identifying with
counterculture movements, delinquency, drugs, or anything that runs
opposite to what parents and community consider right.
3 Self-Worth
1. Authoritative
2. Permissive
3. Authoritarian
4. Neglectful
It appears that self worth is best achieved when there is high con-
trol and high affirmation. Children evidently feel better about them-
selves when the parents are actively engaged in setting loving lim-
its and consequences, and paying a lot of attention to what the chil-
dren are doing right.
Permissive parents score second because children get loving affirma-
tion but without the limits of control. This may communicate a lack
of concern which might be interpreted as "my parents are not as con-
cerned about me if they are not as concerned about setting loving lim-
its."
The Authoritarian and Neglectful parents do nothing for self-esteem,
but at least the Authoritarian parent imposes an element of control,
even though it may be too severe at times.
4 Conformity to Authority
1. Authoritative
2. Permissive
3. Neglectful
4. Authoritarian
Authoritative parents give children encouragement to submit to proper
authority and children are relationally better adjusted because of it.
Permissive parents by their style do not teach submission, and fewer
children from permissive families will respond positively to author-
ity figures in their lives.
Authoritarian parents scored worst in this category because parents
who are too strict without affirmation are teaching their children to
despise authority figures.
5 Religiosity
1. Authoritative
2. Permissive
3. Neglectful
4. Authoritarian
Authoritarian families create children who reject the religious struc-
tures of their parents as they rebelled against the style of nurture
they received at home.
6 Identification with Counterculture
1. Authoritarian and Neglectful
2. Permissive
3. Authoritative
Strict control without affirmation, or ignoring your children are the
best ways to produce children who rebel against their parents' cul-
ture.
This study showed permissive parents, even though third, had nearly
as high a number of counterculture children as neglectful and author-
itarian families.
Authoritative families had the fewest cases of counterculture rebel-
lion.
7 Free Agency
I take note that Authoritative families have some incidences of re-
bellion showing that all parenting styles will have its successes and
failures. This is a very difficult thing for some parents who have done
the best they know how and despite this, their child rebels against
family ideals.
We need to remember, as parents, that children are individuals in whom
God has given free will. Our responsibility is to do our job in rais-
ing the children. We are not responsible for the paths our children
choose if it goes against the path on which we set them. We are re-
sponsible to raise them and influence them to desire the path we choose
for them-but the choice ultimately rests with the child when he or she
reaches majority or adulthood..
By identifying our tendencies as parents, we can move to improve.
Now that we have identified the four parenting styles, let's look at
some of the goals for good parenting.
8 Goals for Good Parenting
When Joseph and Mary had done everything required by the Law of the
Lord, they returned to Galilee to their own town of Nazareth. And the
child grew and became strong; he was filled with wisdom, and the grace
of God was upon him. Luke 2:39, 40
It is important to note here that Jesus' parents did everything re-
quired by their religion regarding their son's upbringing. These two
verses show us a few things:
o Physical
"[He] grew and became strong" As parents, we should give our chil-
dren the opportunities to develop physically. Watching television
is not evil unless it is abused by what is watched or sometime how
long it is watched. We have to be careful to make "couch-potatoes"
or "sofa-spuds" out of our children.
o Mental
"He was filled with wisdom." How does one obtain wisdom? It starts
with training and learning. True knowledge is an essential ingre-
dient in our faith foundation. The truths of Scripture need to be
heard by our children.
But as for you, continue in what you have learned and become con-
vinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how
from infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to
make you wise for salvation in Christ Jesus. II Timothy 3:14, 15
o Emotional
But knowledge is not wisdom; it is an element of wisdom. The proper
application of knowledge is wisdom.
This tells us that it is important for children to grow in their
ability to apply their knowledge fruitfully and live effectively
as they mature in their Christian faith.
Wisdom has to do with the deep emotional aspects of Christian ma-
turity because it speaks of our moral values and the application
of our will regarding these values in living the Christian life.
We want our children to struggle with the realities of how the truth
they know must be lived out in their lives. Like mother birds who
encourage their offspring to fly, we too must encourage our chil-
dren to experience the freedom and joys of applying Biblical truths
in our lives.
o Spiritual
The grace of God was upon him. this shows that the child exhibited
the fruit of the Spirit in the life of a maturing Christian. The
grace of God is a mark of progressing spiritual maturity.
9 Good Parenting Scriptures
o Mark 12:30
o Mark 12:31
o Galatians 5:22, 23
o Ecclesiastes 12:13
The lesson book suggests that we ask ourselves the following questions
in light of the Scripture we'll be reading:
1. If our children were learning and growing in the aspect mentioned
in the verse, what behaviors would we expect to see?
2. What are some ways that we as parents can effectively teach our chil-
dren and help them grow in the aspect mentioned?
Put God First
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and
with all your mind and with all your strength. -Mark 12:30
It might be a little disappointing that other verses weren't found that
could tell us to perform this set of tasks and you'll be a great par-
ent.
What this verse does tell us is that whatever good we endeavor to make
of ourselves. everything starts by putting God first. A good marriage
starts by putting God first in it; good parenting begins with putting
God in charge of your children.
Behaviors we can expect of our children, if they are taught that God
is our primary concern in life, are interest in the things of God, His
Word, participating in prayer, and enjoy His creation. The children
will develop a sharing and giving attitude, contrary to the taking,
selfish attitude that is all too natural.
What we must do as parents is ensure that our model shows that we put
God first. We must be able to talk casually with our children about
spiritual things. We, as parents, must demonstrate the giving atti-
tude, holding our material possession loosely and tenaciously grasp-
ing our spiritual heritage and treasures.
We must provide a heritage for our children, read to them the stories
in the Bible, provide them with age-oriented material to familiarize
them with our value structures and beliefs in a loving God.
We must spend time with our children; time to talk with our children.
We can talk about the gifts that God gives and the grandeur of His cre-
ation.
Put Others Second
The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself.-Mark 12:31a
Second to putting God first is to deal lovingly with other people.
Behaviors we can expect of our children, if they are taught to love
their neighbor as themselves, is a healthy self-image, having sympa-
thy for and responding to pain in others, and demonstrating the im-
portance of sharing and the joy of giving in contrast to the demand-
ing and selfish attitudes.
Children will learn to encourage others rather than criticize and gos-
sip which is destructive. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of
your mouths, but only what is helpful in building others up accord-
ing to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. -Ephesians
4:29
Children need to display very early that they know when to say, "I'm
sorry."
As parents, if we do not model these very behaviors, we cannot expect
that our children will exhibit them.
o Do we empathize with others? With our children? How quick are we
to give ourselves to their needs with support and a helping hand?
o Do our children observe us gossiping or criticizing rather than speak-
ing of the good things about others? Our children will learn from
our behavior.
o Do you have a good self-image? Created by God in His image!
o Do you and your mate tell each other that you are sorry in front
of the children? Our children need to see our humble and forgiv-
ing spirits to develop theirs properly.
o Do we notice the good things that our children do and then tell them
that we've noticed? This is not just for them; they will learn to
notice and tell others about the good things they see in others.
Develop the Fruit
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things
there is no law.-Galatians 5:22, 23
Children will learn self-control, handling and managing their emotions
(specifically outbursts of anger and temper tantrums), and putting other's
wants and needs before their own.
Parents should not positively reinforce temper tantrums and outbursts.
Many parents make a mistake by cuddling their child when the outburst
occurs, or reward them by giving them the thing they wanted that brought
on the tantrum. Avoid this like the plague, parents!
Parents should start early with enlisting the help of children around
the house. John Reilly pointed out that years ago, big families were
needed to help tend the fields. Giving children responsibility accord-
ing to their level of development, helps them to develop into respon-
sible adults; getting work done when work is to be done, and play af-
ter the task is finished.
Submit to Authority
Now all had been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God
and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. - Ec-
clesiastes 12:13
Behaviors we can expect of our children, if they are taught to fear
God and keep his commandments, is respect for authority, and living
a life that is consistent with the law (no stealing, lying, cheating,
jealousy, and covetousness).
Luke 2:51 says that Then [Jesus] went down to Nazareth with [his par-
ents] and was obedient to them.
Children will begin to understand the concept of sin, which the law
and commandments bring. They will also learn of the consequences of
sin, especially in the separation of relationships that sin causes-
especially the separation between them and Jesus.
Children will show increasing willingness to act in accordance with
their conscience.
As parents, if we do not submit to proper authority, especially to the
authority of Christ, we mark our children with the spirit of rebel-
lion. our children need to see us submit to each other in our marriage.
As parents, we make errors in child-rearing, and when we recognize this,
we need to submit ourselves our children and ask for their forgive-
ness. This applies to parents and children, no matter how old they've
gotten.
Parents need to discipline their children when disobedience is fla-
grant. When this is neglected, the children do not learn respect or
good attitudes towards proper authority. This is not just to make our
children good citizens in society but also to enable them to submit
to the authority of Christ's loving leadership.
Proper discipline also teaches children that transgression is met with
consequences. To fail to teach them this means that we risk eternity
with our children and a Just God who will judge all of us one day.
Next Week
Next week, we'll talk about disciplining children, and how to do it
in a high control, high support, authoritative fashion.
Rule #1 in parenting is that the parents raise the kids. Take control
of the little people and in doing so, encourage their individuality,
their creativeness, their self-value.
|