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Conference napalm::commusic_v1

Title:* * Computer Music, MIDI, and Related Topics * *
Notice:Conference has been write-locked. Use new version.
Moderator:DYPSS1::SCHAFER
Created:Thu Feb 20 1986
Last Modified:Mon Aug 29 1994
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:2852
Total number of notes:33157

2798.0. "Did you hear the one about....." by GIDDAY::KNIGHTP (do it in dubly) Sun Dec 22 1991 23:05

    Hi
    	I was wondering if anyone has some good/jokes patter,one liners
    etc that they use between songs at gigs.  
    
    	Thanks P.K.
    
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
2798.1SUBWAY::GRAHAMThe revolution will be televisedMon Dec 23 1991 05:017
    
    Before an intermission:
    
    "we pause for a cause" ;-)
    
    Kris...
    
2798.2A few viola jokes......!VLNVAX::ACDC::RENEno static at all..Mon Dec 23 1991 11:1932
What's the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both **** up bowings.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.

What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be.  The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down."  The violist replied, "You're
kidding!  The conductor came to my house?"

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically.  The conductor
askes the violist, "What's wrong?"  The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs."  The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about.  Why are you
crying?"  To which the violist replied, "He won't tell me which one!!"

The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 chellist who hates all violinists.
2798.3BUCKS::MURRAYMon Dec 23 1991 11:524
    
    My favorite,  is the definition of a gentleman:
    
    One who knows how to play the bagpipes and elects not to...
2798.4SALSA::MOELLERSax and ViolinsMon Dec 23 1991 13:594
    Tune in again for our story of a 10th-century Viking released from an
    English dungeon, called 'Bjorn Free'.
    
    karl
2798.5The groan goes 'round and 'round and comes out here...ATIS01::ASHFORTHMon Dec 23 1991 14:234
Q: What did they do with the madrigal singer who went hoarse (horse)?

A: They put him in the back (Bach) corral (chorale).

2798.6KEYBDS::HASTINGSTue Jan 07 1992 16:197
    
    
    
    To the tune of "Yesterday"
    
    
    	Leprosy, I'm not half the man I used to be...
2798.7Keep 'em comingCOMET::BELLMJTue Jan 07 1992 16:427
    Things just keep on falling off of me, oh leprosy is eating me.
    
    Patiently, my friends will pick up after me
  
    etc.
    
    Good one Mr. Hastings!  I'd almost forgot!
2798.8estupido.DYPSS1::SCHAFERWill Rogers never met Metzenbaum.Tue Jan 07 1992 17:0098
    Don't know if I'd have enough guts to use these at gigs, but for what
    they're worth (which ain't much) ...
    
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    Two musicians, a keyboard player and a bass player died and went to
    heaven.  They met St. Peter at the gate, who seemed quite startled by
    their sudden presence.
    
    "What are YOU guys doing here?" quoth he.  "You're not due for another
    two weeks!"
    
    "Hey, this wasn't OUR idea, dude!" retorted the bass player.
    
    "Well," said St. Pete, "we do have a contingency plan for just such
    occasions.  Since we're not done with your places yet, we'll let you go
    back to earth as anything you want - other than yourselves, of course -
    while we're finishing up.  Whaddya say?"
    
    "Boy!" mused the synth player.  "I've always *wanted* to be an eagle,
    and go swooping out over the mountains ..."
    
    "No sooner said than done!" said St. Peter.  "A good choice!  And - er,
    what would YOU like to be?" he said somewhat hesitantly to the bass
    player.
    
    Without hesitation, the bassist puffed out his chest.  "I wunna beeuh
    STUD!" he quipped in his best western drawl.
    
    St. Peter looked puzzled for a moment, then (considering the source)
    mimicked, "A STUD!  Well - okay, if that's what you really want."
    
    A few weeks later, Michael the archangel dropped in on St. Peter. 
    "Hey, Pete my man!  It's time to get those two dudes who were up here
    by mistake - and I'm the one who's supposed to find them.  You know
    where they hang out?"
    
    "Yeah," said St. Peter.  "You'll find the synthesist down soaring over
    the Grand Canyon."
    
    "Yeah - I found him ... but what about the other guy?"
    
    St. Peter scratched his chin.  "I think he's on a snow tire in
    Detroit."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
       Two guys are sitting at a bar - one turns to the other and
       says, "So how do you feel about the entropic tendencies of the
       universe relative to Darwinian evolution?".
       
       "Well, it's obvious that the 2nd law of Thermodynamics deals a
       serious blow to the theory.  Interesting question - say, what's
       your IQ?"
       
       "175 - and yours?"
       
       "About the same ... so do you own a Korg or an Oberheim?", and
       they lapse into a conversation.
       
       Another two guys down the way notice the conversation, and -
       in similar fashion - strike up their own:
       
       "So what's YOUR IQ?"
       
       "34."
       
       "Oh wow, man, me too ... what kind of bass strings do you use?"
       
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This missionary gets off the plane at the city airport - the city being
    located in the deep dark jungle.  First thing that catches his ear are
    drums.  "How nice", he thinks.  "Welcoming drums."
    
    Well, three days later, the drums are still going strong, and the guy
    is getting a bit unnerved ... so he stops this local on the street
    corner and says "Hey - what's with the drums going all the time?".
    
    The native gets a frightened look on his face and says "oooh - very bad
    if drums stop" ... and runs away.  Bewildered, the missionary walks a
    few more blocks and stops a second fellow, asking the same thing.
    
    "Ohhh - VERY bad if drums stop" ... and HE runs away.  The missionary
    is beside himself.  He finally corners a 3rd person and says "What *IS*
    the deal with these DRUMS?!".
    
    The native, with great fear, reacts "oh - Very, VERY bad if drums
    stop!!!" and runs away down the street.
    
    The missionary puzzles over this and is walking down the street the
    following day when - all of a sudden - the drums STOP!  There is a
    moment of silence, then pandemonium breaks loose and EVERYONE runs
    screaming for cover.  The missionary is almost trampled, but manages to
    grab a fleeing native and demands "WHAT'S GOING ON?  WHY HAVE THE DRUMS
    STOPPED???  WHY IS EVERYONE RUNNING AWAY?!?!??"
    
    The native, in abject terror, screams "VERY VERY bad that drums stop!
    Now comes BASS solo!".
    
2798.9HAWHAWHAWATIS01::ASHFORTHTue Jan 07 1992 17:589
Re .7:

I just love slurs where you can just "fill in the blanks-" kinda "no-fault
slams," so to speak.

Be that as it may, since I'm *not* a bassist and have a good friend who is,
methinks my first telling of these will be with no edits...

Bob
2798.10KEYBDS::HASTINGSTue Jan 07 1992 19:337
    Got this one in the Globe today (try it at your next wedding gig):
    
    
    	"I'd like to introduce you to my second wife...
    
    
    	...unfortunately I'm still stuck married to the first one.
2798.11Quick One LinersBSS::STPALY::MOLLERFix it before it breaksTue Jan 07 1992 20:1112
	A few things to harass freinds that come in to see you:

	As they walk in the door, announce them as the "'your state name here'
	Jello Wrestling tag team champions here to celebrate thier big win
	in Montana".

	Announce that the girl with your male friend is his 'future ex-wife'.

	Complement someone (who you owe a real obnoxious slam) for being
	elected president of the local "Sex without partners chapter".

							Jens
2798.12One for the muso's....EICMFG::BURKEJim Burke, @UFCWed Jan 08 1992 05:3517
    [Muso's joke]
    
    	This Tenor  player dies & is consigned to Hell (as per all Tenor
    players). He arrives there, and the Devil says:-
    	"Right, just go over there & join the horn section - take the third 
    	Tenor part."
    So, the guy does this, and sits among the rest of the Tenors, and plays
    his part (the odd toot). There's no 2nd/3rd endings, just repeat bars
    on the part. After a while, he leans across to the guy next to him and
    whispers:
    	"Where's the Coda" ?
    The guy replies:-
    	"What Coda"
    
    
    Jim
    
2798.13No, that's the theme to Jaws!CERN::EJMRick N. BackerWed Jan 08 1992 06:166
Re: 6	To the tune of 'Yesterday'

	Suddenly,				(in a bass voice)
	I'm not half the man I used to be	(in falsetto)

Wasa
2798.14KOBAL::DICKSONWed Jan 08 1992 12:4926
    Three people are going through the pearly gates and St Peter is
    asking them a few questions.
    
    St. Peter: We are conducting a little survey here.  We would like
    	to know, at the time you died, how much money you made a
    	year, and what your occupation was.
    
    First person: I made $200,000.
    
    SP: Very good.  And what was your job?
    
    First: I was a stock broker.
    
    SP:  Ok, thank you.  Please go on inside.  Next.
    
    Second:  I made $300,000.
    
    SP: Very nice.  And your job?
    
    Second:  I was a corporate lawyer.
    
    SP:  Ok, please step inside.  Next.
    
    Third:  I made $5,000 per year.
    
    SP:  Oh?  And what instrument did you play?
2798.15SALSA::MOELLERChihuahua Punting Champion 1987-1990Wed Jan 08 1992 14:0113
    A favorite Gary Larson cartoon has the Devil opening a door for a dude
    in a black cape.  "And this is your music class, Maestro."  .. the room
    is filled with kids on banjos.
    
    To the tune 'Nature's Way' by the Youngbloods :
    
    It's Nature's Way if it hurts you
    	when you peee-ah
    It's Nature's Way of telling you
    	gonorree-ah
    ..more, mercifully forgotten
    
    karl
2798.16Another Far SideDEALIN::AXELMike AxelWed Jan 08 1992 14:518
    Another of Gary Larson "Far Sides":
    
    St. Peter greeting a line of people with "Welcome to Heaven" and
    handing out harps. The Devil preeting a line of people with "Welcome to
    Hell" and handing out accordians.
    
    mike
    
2798.17Nit nit nitRGB::ROSTAshley Hutchings wannabeWed Jan 08 1992 16:105
    Re:.15
    
    Karl, 
    
    You lose.  "Nature's Way" was done by Spirit.  
2798.18SALSA::MOELLERChihuahua Punting Champion 1987-1990Wed Jan 08 1992 16:216
  You lose.  "Nature's Way" was done by Spirit.  
    
    R U sure ?  I 'member Jesse Colin Young and the Youngbloods.. and sure
    do remember Spirit, too, joost not doing that song..
    
    karl
2798.19TERSE::ROBINSONWed Jan 08 1992 16:275
I remember Nature's Way by Spirit. Weren't the Youngbloods too "clean"
for that sort of thing?  Or maybe there are two Nature's Ways?

What ever happended to Randy California anyhow? Oops wrong conference :^)
Dave
2798.20RGB::ROSTAshley Hutchings wannabeWed Jan 08 1992 16:305
    Re: .18
    
    Trust me on this one, Karl....  8^)  8^)
    
    						Brian
2798.21Stolen from a recent radio show.ULTRA::BURGESSMad Man across the waterWed Jan 08 1992 16:327
	....and he's now tuning up his Mandolin for the next number

	as you probably know, the name mandolin comes from the greek 
"Mandos-Linos",  which directly translated means 

	a small guitar made entirely of linoleum.
2798.22JANUS::CWALSHThe Man Who Knew Too OftenThu Jan 09 1992 05:4111
Another favourite Gary Larson:

A man in a soundproof both, obviously in some agony. Outside, a demon sifts
nonchalantly through a VERY large pile of New Age records.

The caption:

"Charlie Parker's Private Hell"


Chris
2798.23Yo Mama!DEALIN::AXELMike AxelThu Jan 16 1992 09:318
    Last night Johnny Carson introduced his musical guests as:
    
    "Singer Bobby McFerrin and cellist Yo Mama"
    
    
    It should be Yo-Yo Ma.
    
    Mike
2798.24a few moreWECROW::FACCENDATue Jan 28 1992 15:0518
Q: How can you tell if your lead singer is at the door?

A: He's coming in late and can't find the key.


Q: How can you tell if your drummer is at the door?

A: The knocking changes speed


Q: Why do people hate banjo players immediately?

A: It saves time in the long run.


Q: What's the difference between a sax and a power lawnmower?

A: Vibrato