| ACCEPT YOUR OWN REALITY
Before you can change yourself or the world around you, you must know
what it is you want to change. Many people, vaguely dissatisfied with
their lives, know they want something changed. But they are often
unable to say exactly what it is that they want changed. They may say,
for example, they want more money, or a better job, or they want their
wife or husband to act differently from the way they do. The wish is
often superficial and vague.
Often the wish is not even real. It does not correspond to the true
world or to a the real problem. For example, someone who has been
passed over for promotion may blame it on the boss, when the real
problem is that he or she has poor work habits, or flawed
interpersonal relationships. Peck, in the book "The Road Less
Traveled," equates reality with truth, and likens our view of reality
to a map. The more accurate the map, then the better the chances are
we know where we are, where we want to go, and how to get there.
The first step is to accept the reality of your life today.
THE PARADOX OF THE GREAT CHANGERS
Those who have changed the world the most have been the greatest
dreamers. They have also been the greatest realists. Jesus, George
Washington, and Martin Luther King were all dreamers. But their dreams
were firmly grounded in truth and reality.
George Washington, as commander-in-chief during the Revolutionary War,
was an administrative realist. He knew the weaknesses and strengths of
his generals and his men. He accepted the realities of war, including
the human tragedy of death. He accepted the possibility of failure.
Had his view of reality been less accurate -- had he been too
optimistic and overconfident, or if he had underrated his strengths --
the war might have had an entirely different outcome.
Martin Luther's King's dream (only partially realized at his death) is
well known. His dream was sweeping and all-encompassing. He succeeded
because the dream itself was firmly grounded in reality. King did more
than merely accept the reality of racial injustice. His reality
included an understanding of the social, institutional, and individual
underpinnings behind the facts. His map was accurate. He knew where he
was, where he wanted to go, and how to get there.
The great world changers have three things in common:
o They accept reality, themselves, and the world as it is, good
and bad.
o They set realistic goals for change. The goals are visionary,
but achievable.
o They formulate realistic plans for achieving the goals.
o They realize that the world and reality is constantly
changing. Sometimes the change is for the better and sometimes
it is for the worse. Because reality is changing, goals and plans
must be revised to fit.
There is nothing magical about this. Most of us don't have the
administrative genius of George Washington or the horizon-extending
visioning of Martin Luther King. But we can use these exact same
techniques in our daily lives: Accepting reality, setting realistic
goals, formulating realistic plans, and revising goals and plans as
the world changes.
The keystone to these steps is "reality" and "realistic." Foremost
among them is accepting reality. If your views of the world are not
realistic, your goals and plans will be out of touch with reality, and
you will stand little chance of realizing them. Many people are unable
to revise their goals and plans to a changing reality. Their views of
the world are set, and they cannot adapt to changing conditions. These
people tend to make the same types of mistakes again and again through
their lifetime. One of the goals of psychotherapy and other types of
counseling it to help people view the world more realistically.
(To be continued. Coming next: Accepting yourself; Bruce's personal
reality.)
|
|
ACCEPT YOUR OWN REALITY -- Part II
ACCEPTING YOURSELF
Accepting reality begins on a very personal level. The major task of a
baby is to learn about the real world. All of us are individuals with
unique strengths and weaknesses. Accepting your own reality means
accepting yourself for what you are.
This is not a simple task. Some people habitually over-rate
themselves. They may think they have special abilities or
characteristics when in fact their perceived talent is no better than
average.
We all know people like that. For example, the employee who thinks he
is doing a superior job, when in fact his supervisor rates him as
mediocre; or the fellow who thinks his charms make him irresistible to
women, when in fact he is not.
Conversely, some people under-rate themselves. They feel they don't
have the skills and ability to move ahead with their careers, or
attract a mate of the opposite sex. If they do achieve success, they
attribute it to luck. Some workaholics have such poor self-esteem and
such fear of failure that they are unable to relax and enjoy their
success, and must constantly be working.
What is particularly unfortunate about some under-raters is that they
may give up or stop trying, even though, realistically, the chance of
success is high. Their view of reality is so distorted that they do
not realize that there are many achievable goals within their grasp.
MY PERSONAL REALITY
My own personal views of reality have helped shape me into the person
I am today. For example, I believe the life we are living today is the
only life we have had, or ever will have. I do not believe we have
existed before, or that there is an afterlife. Any existence we have
after death is in the minds and thoughts of others, and then only for
relatively short time. This has helped me to develop a personal sense
of responsibility and need to achieve.
Our personal strengths and weaknesses are part of our reality. I have
little mechanical ability, but do have some writing talent. This may
be why I make my living as a writer and not as auto mechanic.
I have some personal weaknesses which at times have been a hinderence.
For example, it is easy for me to procrastinate and put things off.
At times I have to fight myself to do what I know needs to be done,
even though I would rather do something else. I can also be impatient
with others when I disagree with their opinions, or when I feel they
are making a mistake and won't listen to me.
We all have wants and needs. Some of these are almost universal among
all people, like the need to be loved and wanted. Others are more
individualized, such the need to work alone versus the need to work
with others.
We all have productive and non-productive personal traits. Accepting
yourself means accepting your own reality. It means not glossing over
the weaknesses, but not neglecting the strengths, to come up with as
accurate a picture as possible of you, the individual. Until you
accept your internal reality, you will not be able to accept the
external reality of the wider world.
To be continued: Coming next: Reality testing; risk taking.
|