Conference hydra::dejavu

		      Ways To Nourish Friendship
		      --------------------------

   o Permit your friends to be themselves.  

	Accept them as they are.  Be grateful for what is there, not
	annoyed by what friends can't give.  Accept each one's 
	imperfections - and individuality - and don't feel threatened
	if their opinions and tastes sometimes differ from yours.

   o Give each other space.

	We are entitied to our private feelings and thoughts. Friends
	who try to invade the inner space of one another risk 
	destroying the relationship.

   o Be ready to give and to receive.  

	Be eager to help and able to ask for help as well.  But don't
	be over-demanding or let yourself be used.

   o Make your advice constructive.

	When a friend needs to talk, listen without interruption.  If
	advice is asked for, be positive and supportive.

   o Be loyal.

	Loyality is faithfulness.  It means "being with" your friend
	in bad times as well as good.  It means honoring confidence.
	It means neither disparaging a friend in his absense nor 
	allowing others to do so.

   o Give praise and encouragement.

	Tell your friends what you like about them, how thankful you
	are for their presence in your life.  Delight in their talents,
	applaud their successes.

   o Be honest.

	Open communication is the essence of friendship.  Express your
	feelings, good and bad, instead of bottling up your anger or
	anxiety.  Clearing the air helps a relationship to grow.  But
	be aware of what is better left unsaid.

   o Treat friends as equals.

	In true friendship there is no Number One, no room for showing
	off how smart and successful you are, for envy, for feeling
	superior or inferior.

   o Trust your friends.

	We live in a messy, imperfect world made up of imperfect 
	people.  Trust can be betrayed but it is essential to 
	friendship.  Make the effort to believe in the intrinsic 	
	goodness of your friends.

   o Be willing to risk.

	One of the obstacles to a close relationship is the fear of
	rejection and hurt.  We don't want to reveal our vulnerability.
	But unless we dare to love others, we condemn ourselves to
	a sterile life.

    I have a small poster hung in my office of a little boy around 3
    years old, dressed in blue jean coveralls and a blue and white 
    striped shirt.  He's has a precious face and a big pout.  Snuggled
    up to him on the floor is a beige cocker spaniel puppy.  The
    caption says:
    
    	A friend is someone who knows all about you
    		and still loves you.
    
    This says a bit about what being a friend means to me.
    
    Charlene
    

    
    
    	re: 677.1:  sounds like what I've always wanted in my lover(s)...
    so what am I doing wrong?......
    
    Friends have continuously been a very important part of MY life;
    men have come and gone, but there they are..those people who love
    you regardless of what you do, or have done.  Friends are defitely
    worth making the extra effort to keep......forever.

    RE: .3
    
    Ah yes, reminds me of the opening to a poem I read once:
    
    "Better to lose a lover than a friend
    The two not often meeting in one man
    Better to bruise the heart new love can mend..."
    
    John M.

	What is truly wonderful is when your best friend and your lover
	are the same person.  That's my SO, and believe me, I know how
	fortunate I am.  Heartache after heartache, my friends were always
	there to help me through the pain (and I had a lot!).  Now, my
	SO encourages me, loves me even though he's seen me in worse shape
	than almost anyone else I know, is vulnerable to me (and I, to him),
	listens, gives me intelligent feedback...and I do the same for him.
	I have seen him at his worst.  He trusts me to love him; he trusts
	me enough to let himself go through his natural mood-swings in front
	of me (without me feeling like he's abusing me or venting it all
	on me).  We have a wonderful thing; my lover is my best friend.

	My best female friend is a similar kind of wonderful (so I am doubly-
	blessed!).  She hung by me and believed in me and was probably one
	of the reasons I was able to come away from my experience of being
	brainwashed by people who wanted to steal what energy I have.  She
	always has a kind word, and her inner beauty radiates everywhere.
	When she is sad, it breaks my heart, and I will turn the world upside-
	down to make her smile again.

	Friends are people who stick by you, who believe in you, who see
	the best in you and reflect it back to you so you can see it in
	yourself.  Being that kind of friend to those who are your friends
	makes the relationship that much more beautiful.

    	Cindy brought up a good point that as much activity goes on 
    	outside this conference as in.  Through DEJAVU I've met some 
    	very dear people.  Those casual mails which led to beautiful 
    	friendship, the support received in a recent note I entered, 
    	laughter sprung from less than serious discussions, facts 
    	learned from a fellow noter--all monumentally important.
    
    	Through this notesfile I've met someone I can relate to in a
    	way I never thought possible.  Spending real time with her
    	recently further proved our connection and I'd like to think
    	(you can tell me if I'm warped, R.) we've only just started
    	out on our friendship safari!
    
    	Have wanted to mention this phenomenon for quite some time,
    	as I give much credit to DEJAVU that my world has expanded in 
    	such a positive way.  It's difficult to meet a friend, then
    	continue on after you know them better, who you connect with
    	on many levels.  This forum gives us a good opportunity to do 
    	just that.  On more than one occasion I've wondered how many
    	were "brought together" into this forum in order to find each 
    	other.  (Yes, I know I'm going weird-out.)
    
    	I've learned there must be an initial zing--a connection with
    	someone (having nothing to do with beliefs) for a friendship 
    	to develop.  Most have spent countless evenings with people 
    	who inspire us to watch the ice melt off our beer mugs.  How 
    	refreshing and vitalizing it is to bypass all that and be
    	able to recognize that zing through this medium.
    
    						Carla
    

    re: .3
    
    Next time you are looking for a lover, don't look for a lover, look
    for a friend. Alot of what was said in 677 can be related to
    relationships that turn into more than just friends. I know what
    you mean though, most of my ex's were "just" lovers. You really
    need the friendship to have a real love relationship.

    Sorry to put in kind of a downer song, but I haven't felt very
    inspirational lately.  I too have met a friend in this file who
    has helped me...someone who does all the things
    mentioned in these previous replies and more.  When things look
    bad, sometimes something can happen that comes along out of the
    clear blue sky and gives you the needed encouragement to keep plugging
    away.  Thanks.  Maybe someday we'll even get to meet!
     
    Get It While You Can    by Janis Joplin (we miss ya, Janis!)
    
    In this world, if you read the papers darlin'
    You know everybody's fighting with each other
    There ain't no-one you can count on babe
    Not even your own brother
    So when someone comes along
    They gonna give you some love and affection
    I'd say get it while you can
    Get it while you can
    Don't you turn your back on love, no no no
    
    Don't you know, when you're lovin' anybody baby
    You're takin' a gamble on a little sorrow
    But then who cares baby
    Cause we may not be here tomorrow, no
    
    And if anybody should come along
    Who's gonna give you some love and affection
    I'd say get it while you can
    Honey get it while you can
    Don't you turn your back on love, no no no
    No no no no no            

    "Get It While You Can", was in fact written by J. Ragavoy and N.
    Schuman, not Janis Joplin.
    
    DW

    
    From a Celestial Seasonings chamomile tea package:
    
    "We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed.  As
    in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which
    makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last
    one which makes the heart run over."
    
    					- James Boswell

                                                        
    A Friend
    
    What is a Friend?  I'll tell you.
    It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.
    Your soul can go naked with him.
    He seems to ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you really
    	are.
    When you are with him, you do not have to be on your guard.
    You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you.
    He understands those contradictions in your nature that cause others
    	to misjudge you.
    With him you breathe freely - you can avow your little vanities
    and envies and absurdities and in opening them up to him they are
    	dissolved on the white ocean of his loyality.
    He understands. You can weep with him, laugh with him, pray with
    	him - through and underneath it all he sees, knows and loves
    	you.
    A Friend, I repeat, is one with whom you dare to be yourself.
    
    					- Author Unknown
    

Hi everyone.

I was corresponding with someone offline earlier today and mentioned
the DEJAVU conference to him and how it was my conference of choice,
because of the positive, upbeat feeling there.

Below is a portion of his response.  I'm a bit in shock over it 
because DEJAVU, to me, is anything but what he says it is.  

And so to end on a brighter note - to all of you, my friends in DEJAVU, 
thank God/Goddess/All-That-Is you're in my life.  I love you all. 

Cindy

----------------------------------------------------------------------

RE: The DEJAVU Notes conference:

I've been reading that conference a good deal of late.  I hate to be a
wet blanket, but a good deal of the "brotherhood" exhibited seemed
quite contrived (read: fake), humor notwithstanding. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

    re: Cindy
    
         I would have to agree.  But before everyone gets too
    excited about that, let me add something to that.  I agree that much
    of the expression we demonstrate is contrived and artificial
    in its presentation, but I have yet to meet a human who has
    exhibited to me what I would call complete and perfect love.
    We are all fallible and very clumsy in our expressions, at times.
    But there is not a one of us who isn't searching, sometimes
    frantically, to feel love...in three ways: giving, receiving
    and being loved.  Love, as most of us could probably attest,
    is not something we are expert at; it is also not something we
    learn very well.  It is something we all must work at and must
    practice repeatedly until we can do it better.  So, as an
    acknowledgement to all those who express it artificially, I
    thank you anyway, for I understand the deeper sense that is
    core, which I believe is pure in its expression.  I congratulate
    those who make an effort, however feeble, and encourage them to
    continue until such point that their "practice" gets closer and
    closer to the arbitrary ideals I might have.  To those who cannot
    understand this, I would suggest that they be more tolerant and
    make an effort to recognize their own self-love to a great enough
    extent so that they do not need the outside expressions as
    indicators of what "true love" really is.
    
    Frederick
    

re: .13 (Frederick)
    
    Come on Frederick.  If you (or any of us) measure our expression
    of love against LOVE (the real, selfless, non-attached, non-physical,
    cosmic kind), the best we can hope for is superficial.  We all want
    to get there, but the desire in itself is a hinderance to getting
    there.  We're just trying to help each other along, as I'm sure
    you agree and wish to do as well, but I think the mystery noters
    idea of contrived and superficial was compared to how s/he felt
    about their ability to express love.  In comparing, using their
    ruler, Dejavu is far beyond their impression and their feelings
    are probably more of a projection of something in themselves than
    a description of what is really going on.  

    Terry

                                                      
    Re.14 (Terry)
    
    Terry - that's it!  Projection!
    
    It was staring me in the face all this time.
    
    I should be an expert on projection by now for many, many reasons, 
    but it must have slipped my mind in the dismay felt after receiving 
    that note....as in 'How could you possibly _say_ that about a place 
    where I've _found_ so much love?!?!?'  
                          
    Frederico - I love you too!  (;^)  XOXOXOXO          
    
    Thanks.
    
    Cindy