| T.R | Title | User | Personal
Name | Date | Lines |
|---|
| 676.1 | My way is to... | CSC32::KACHELMYER | Ambling on knuckles of Steel | Thu Mar 24 1988 00:02 | 21 |
| The procedure I use (not always in the same order and not always
just once) is to:
Get the emotional charge worked out a bit, assuming that there's one to
work out. If there's a *strong* emotional component and it's not
released, it seems to want to get in the way of everything else,
including the recovery phase. The specific method used seems to vary,
depending on the current feelings toward the other person. Grounding,
exercises, moping, physical exercise, for example.
Evaluate the relationship to see what's to be learned from the
experiences. I like to leave out the judgemental stuff though,
'cause that just seems to get in my way. However, I do like to ask
"What have I learned from this relationship".
And to top it off, I like to wrap up with something like an affirmation
to get the inner or subconscious self to help along with things.
Something like "I consciously choose to be finished with this
relationship".
Kak
|
| 676.2 | *The* Book | GENRAL::DANIEL | If it's sloppy, eat over the sink. | Thu Mar 24 1988 14:34 | 11 |
| Carla...
Run, don't walk, to the closest bookstore and pick up a copy of "How to Survive
the Loss of a Love". I can't remember the author's name, but the book is
absolutely wonderful help. It's in the Psychology/Self-Help section, has a
gold-rimmed cover with red hearts on the front. It was co-written by a
psychologist, poet, and one other person from another field...I can't think of
any better advice I've ever heard from anyone on the subject.
good luck...
Meredith
|
| 676.3 | Only time will tell | CSCMA::SNOW | | Thu Mar 24 1988 15:17 | 19 |
| Carla...
Time will get you over the shock..I dated someone for 7 years and
it has been 2 1/2 years since our departure and I still think about
him...You will think about it everyday of your life until you fall
in love with someone else, which will probably take your mind off
it partially...Especially if it was your first love...
Be prepared because you willhave dreams..you will see people that
will remind you of him...you will see things that remind you of
him and god forbid if you hear the song that you two cherished...
Stay strong...there are other fish in the sea...like note 676.1
said, take it as a learning experience....Life is full of suprises
especially when things are going so well...
I can feel for you...Remember be strong!
Andrea
|
| 676.4 | Opportunity Hurts | BIZNIS::NELKE | | Thu Mar 24 1988 15:29 | 34 |
| Carla,
I'm going through the same thing, and I wish there was an easy
fix. I've tried everything from talking to exercise to writing
to eating lots of chocolate, and no matter how hard I try, the
confusion and pain remains. I keep thinking time will take it
away, and from a distance I'll be able to make sense of it all
and learn something from it. I've even tried hate as a drastic
diversion to love, and that didn't work either.
I have faith, however, that good old father time will indeed
do his thing and I'll get on with my life, as I'm sure you will.
In the meantime ...
One thing that DOES provide comfort for me (and maybe for you too)
is taking the time to look at yourself and rediscover who you are
-- the person you are without the partner. You're probably a
pretty great person underneath that dark cloud hanging over your
head, and getting to know you might be a fun adventure. Look at
it as a chance to gain control and follow your dreams.
Like Richard Bach said in "Illusions,":
You are never given a wish
without also being given the power to make it come true.
You may have to work for it however.
Take care and good luck!
-joella
|
| 676.5 | hope this helps... | HPSCAD::MBOLLAK | | Thu Mar 24 1988 18:22 | 38 |
|
Carla,
I don't think that there is an easy way. The grieving
process usually entails a lot of anger, as well as hurt.
I'll tell you things that I've done, although I couldn't
say if they really helped or not. Maybe all you can do is
ride it out.
I usually spend the initial time crying by myself a lot;
just expressing the pain and trying to let it out. If I
have a close friend handy, I usually cry on his/her shoulder
At this point I don't mind hearing what a lout he was, anyway.
Once I read in a magazine that I should make 2 lists, one
listing all of his bad points, the other enumerating all of my
good points. The former listing may be a negative way to
approach things, but I think that the idea is to express your
anger, helping to let it go. The other list is supposed to
help raise your own self esteem. Later on you will be better
able to look at the good things in the relationship objectively
and think well of it. Anyway, I tried this, and then discussed
the lists with a friend. It seemed to help.
Remember, things didn't work out because you were incompatible,
not because you are in any way deficient. It's no one's fault
that it didn't work out. You both learned from the experience,
although at this point, you may not feel as if you did. I think
that it's a good idea to reflect on what you learned and gained
from the experience. Personally, I can't do that until later.
I first have to deal with the emotions. I usually try to divert
my attention with fun and/or engrossing things, so that I'm not
crying constantly. I try to realize that there will be another
relationship down the road, and hope that it will be better. So
far there always have been other ones, although I'm not sure that
each was better than the last. I think that the first loss is
the hardest, because you have never experienced the process of
loss, knowing firsthand that the pain does eventually subside,
and that there really will be another relationship.
good luck,
Marla
|
| 676.6 | time | BPOV09::GROSSE | | Thu Mar 24 1988 18:35 | 19 |
| Carla,
It sounds as if this is the first big heart break you have experinced
and therefore that is why it feels as if it is tearing you apart.
Many of us have been through this ourselves. Looking back on my
first big breakup I cannot imagine why I got so worked up over it
all, but the truth is it was very new and painful to me at the time.
It sounds cliche but time does heal all; it no doubt feels like
that is impossible to you now but believe me it is true,
One thing I learned that after putting so much energy into a
relationship that I had to redirect the energy somehow into
something very important; for me it was going back to school.
Most of all, allow yourself the time to cry and generally get the
bulk of the hurt out of your system, but don't dwell on it extensively.
A book that helped me enormously was "women who love too much"
it is quite a popular book currently and easy to find in paperback;
it change my whole life around; not overnight, but with time.
Be easy on yourself above all.
Fran
|
| 676.7 | | FSLENG::JOLLIMORE | For the greatest good... | Thu Mar 24 1988 18:40 | 7 |
| Carla
You didn't strike me as the type of person who would let anything 'tear
you apart'...
Smile, and you got the world ..
Jay
|
| 676.8 | "To grow, I must change" | EMASS::OSBORN | | Thu Mar 24 1988 19:33 | 19 |
| Carla,
The following quotes help me to put things like this in perspective...
"to grow, I must change"
"love continues as long as two people stay on the same wavelength"
As people grow, it sometimes means moving in different
directions; which can result in not being not being on the same
wavelength anymore. Sometimes realizing that we are just growing is
very freeing. It allows you to appreciate what you had, and look
forward to what's coming.
Claire
|
| 676.9 | One day at a time | REGENT::NIKOLOFF | Meredith | Thu Mar 24 1988 19:57 | 12 |
|
Hi Carla,
Wish I could give you a big hug. Sometimes it helps.
All the replies have been good, and if you want to read
some other thoughts there are some notes in Human_Relations
notefile...Its gets better each day with a strong determination.
wishing you the best,
Meredith East
|
| 676.10 | And This Too Shall Pass | STEREO::VINDICI | It's the Journey, Not the Destination | Fri Mar 25 1988 12:12 | 20 |
| Carla,
Having gone through a divorce three years ago, and currently helping
a friend go through a relationship breakup, I can say it's part
of the human experience we all have to go through.
For me, therapy, reading and journal writing along with the support
of my friends and family helped the most. Be around people who
care or who are just a phone call away.
With the perspective of time, you can look back and see your growth
in life crises like this. You need the time to accept the situation,
release your anger and hurt, and move on with your life.
"One Day at a Time" is a good philosophy for you right now.
Good luck -- and hang in there. We all *do* care.
Helaine
|
| 676.11 | just lean on us for a while | NAC::L_WILLIAMS | | Fri Mar 25 1988 14:05 | 47 |
| .10 is right "we all *do* care". The first emotion one deals with
when a relationship ends is feeling unloved. So writing this note
is the best thing you could have done; look at all the love flowing
your way.
I am barely recovering from the end of a relationship myself. It
was abrupt and totally unsuspected (he was a cancer; the kind that
can make you think you are part of their lives for ever and then
one day are gone, no explanation, no phone calls - it's all over)
and it happened just a week before chritsmas. No need to say I
was in a state of total shock. At a time like this rely on your
friends and also your family (anyone that you are close to). My
sister and my brother-in-law who live 10 hours away, picked up my
mother and where at my door chritmas day. My friends were all around
me, supportive and loving. I had more invitation for christmas
than I could possibly accept. All this love coming my way was such
an incredible support and it helped get me through the holidays.
Of course the pain doesn't just vanished but it sure is soothing
to be loved.
There is no easy way to go through the pain and wishing it away
doesn't work. One thing that got me through was the knowledge that
with time the intensity of the pain would diminish. To help myself
I wrote a diary, I called my friends and family and talked and talked
and talked about it until I got tired of talking about it, and I
forced myself to do things even if it was just going to the mall
and walk around. I tried to remember daily to be "good to myself"
so when I felt extremely depressed I allowed the feelings to be
and told myself that "that to shall pass". Because this end of
the relationship was not a mutual agreement or something I had decided
I felt a lot of anger and I would create little scenarios in my
head telling him off, screaming and crying, in a way I probably
would never let myself do in real life.
Three months have past now, I feel better although there are still
a lot of sad and angry feelings left inside of me. But in spite
of all this I decided that I wanted happy memories for when I am
old so now I am just floating, letting time work its miracles and
hoping that at some point in time I will be strong enough to remember
this relationship and think of the good times we had.
Envelope yourself with all the love you find in these notes, let
yourself be awed and warmed by it all. How lucky it is to find
just one person who loves us - look at how many people here care
about you.
Lorraine
|
| 676.12 | Suprising Cancer | CSCMA::SNOW | | Fri Mar 25 1988 18:03 | 9 |
| Lorraine...
This kind of scares me because I am about to marry a Cancer and
I feel that our relationship is on the top. I feel that he will
never leave me because Cancer are known to keep a happy home..
But I guess life is full of suprises..
Andrea
|
| 676.13 | the stars impel... | GENRAL::DANIEL | If it's sloppy, eat over the sink. | Fri Mar 25 1988 19:29 | 15 |
| >This kind of scares me because I am about to marry a Cancer and
>I feel that our relationship is on the top. I feel that he will
>never leave me because Cancer are known to keep a happy home..
>But I guess life is full of suprises..
Andrea - don't worry - if you get him to the altar, he has
made a real commitment (I am speaking here of Cancerian males).
Cancerian males may leave abruptly (I know, I had one do that
to me once before, and it was the biggest hurt I've ever known),
but once they have made the full committment, they tend to stick
with it.
"The stars impel, they do not compel." A relationship works
because two people decide to make it work. Marriage is the
most serious way to make that commitment.
|
| 676.14 | Cancer males make the best husbands | NAC::L_WILLIAMS | | Mon Mar 28 1988 13:02 | 18 |
| re: .12
Andrea, don't worry .13 is right. Once a Cancerian male makes
a commitment it's for real and for good. Taurus and Cancer males
make the best husbands.
My cancer friend was always extremely attentive when we were together.
You have do deal with the mood swings, the hot and cold etc. but
he won't look at another woman and will make you feel loved.
My cancerian wanted a permanent commitment but had not really made
the commitment. He has custody of this teenage daughter and son
and what I realize now is that is commitment was to them until they
go to college and not to me. Good luck and don't let my bad experience
touch your happiness.
Lorraine
|
| 676.15 | Save your love... | GLORY::WETHERINGTON | Cooling out... | Mon Mar 28 1988 17:40 | 69 |
| Don't let it tear you apart.
Now is the time for that inner grain of defiance and strength to
rear it's head and allow you to over come this...one of my favorite
lines from "A Streetcar Named Desire" was...
"We gotta go on. No matter what happens, we all gotta go on."
Music can be wonderful therapy...if you notice, about 1/2 the songs
out there are about relationships breaking up...
remember the 70's tune called "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor...
it went something like ...
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Thinking about going on without you by my side
Then time went on, and I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
So now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now, 'cuz you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Wo no, not I! I will survive!
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive
I've got all my life to live, and I've got all my love to give
And I will survive.
Lastly, as I have learned recently, whenever you make your own
happiness dependent on the fickleness of another human being, you're
setting yourself up for disappointment...this may be a cold-hearted
view of things, but I will never again make my happiness dependent
on the actions of another...I've got to love myself first, and *no-one*
can take that away from me. Thus, if someone goes out of my life,
I still have my love and self-respect. No-one can take that from
me.
SAVE YOUR LOVE by the Starship
Go on out and gain the world
But don't you lose your soul while you're trying
Your truth is changing every day
But your heart will let you know when you're lying
Well you're running, running from me now
Running like you got a race to win
Now you tell me our romance is over
Time for you to start again
Save your love and tenderness, don't get lost in bitterness
Save the dreams you had when we started
And do the things you have to do
But don't forget the love we knew
Don't lose your love cause we've parted!
You say you can't tell right from wrong
Confusion's pulled the reigns tight in your soul
You think it's all gonna make sense
Accomplishments are gonna make you whole
Drowning in confusion
Running from someone who looks like me
Stop! and take a look inside you now
Now tell me who it is you see
Save your love and tenderness
Don't get lost in bitterness
Save the dreams you had when we started
And do the things you have to do
But don't forget the love we knew
Don't lose your love 'cuz we parted!
|
| 676.16 | The world won't end! | KYOMTS::COHEN | BOB | Wed Mar 30 1988 23:39 | 20 |
| Carla,
I recently went through something similar after five years
of a monogomous relationship. I learned that there are two loses
to deal with, the emotional and the physical.
First, to get through the emotional loss I learned that
my friends were of tremendous help (crying on shoulders, etc).
You need to express your feelings and get it out of your system.
Secondly, and most difficult, is the physical loss. What works
for me is to spend an hour or two at the gym every day. After
a heavy workout I'm to tired to really miss doing anything physical.
Most important though, is to really believe in yourself and
really believe that you did the right thing.
Good luck
|
| 676.17 | just some comforting words | SA1794::CLAYR | | Fri Apr 01 1988 19:42 | 51 |
|
Carla,
Loss is pain. But it's this pain that is part of
what makes us alive. The other part is the deep sense
of joy that tells us what living and loving are all
about. If you couldn't feel this pain you would also
not be able to feel any happiness and so part of you
would be dying inside without you're even knowing it.
For now, you will just have to sit with what you
are feeling and at some later later time you will one
day *suddenly* discover that all of this pain is just
a memory, just some shadows of dreams that you have
awakened from. And so like an unpleasant dream, the
unpleasantness will have totally faded, and your life
will be...quite normal........
Loss___
Is
The other part
Of joy that
We are about
and
without which
we neither
feel nor
are happy
Discover pain
is a fading
*Dream*
and so
like a dream,
in AWAKENESS
.
.
.
is left
only shadows
Roy
(who-has-been-there)
|
| 676.18 | From the heart{*{*{*{*{*{* | BARAKA::GALLAGHER | Gallagher | Mon Apr 11 1988 16:13 | 13 |
|
Carla,
Reading all these replies to your request for help filled my
heart with joy for you, my dear. There are alot of people out here
that obviously care, including me!*!*!*!*!*!*!*! I hope and pray
that all this love is helping you get through this time.
Keep that grin factor at a max! YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8^{*****************,
just me
|
| 676.20 | Questioning myself | WFOVX2::SUNDQUIST | | Fri Apr 29 1988 16:58 | 14 |
| Sorry about note 19 I screwed up?!!!!??
I have a question that I would like to throw in for a discussion.
I just recently broke up with with a girl that I loved deeply.
The relationship ended in a friendly manner but was also a complete
shock to me. Right now she just wants to be friends but I still
love her as I did before, I can't let go!!!! I really don't know
how she feels. My question that I keep pondering is it healthy
to keep going on and being just her friend and hoping or just to
let go completely? Thanks in advance to any responses. It feels
good just to talk about it. Thanks again.
Steve
|
| 676.21 | | CSC32::WOLBACH | | Fri Apr 29 1988 17:13 | 21 |
|
Re-read notes .0-.18 !!
It doesn't sound as if you feel 'friendship' for this woman,
so continuing on as 'friends' would be a one-way (her way)
street.
Why not just bow out of the relationship completely, until you
feel comfortable enough to re-establish a friendship relationship
(if that time ever arrives).
My ex husband and I divorced after 10 years. Believe me, it took
a while to unlearn all the 'love' emotions-but after they were
purged, we really are friends...almost like siblings. Course we
have a child, so continued communication was necessary.
Deb
|
| 676.22 | Love and Let Go | BSS::BLAZEK | Dancing with My Self | Fri Apr 29 1988 17:35 | 28 |
| The advice, love, and support given in this topic has been
truly remarkable and helpful for me during a time of change.
Thank you *all*! =8*) Am so glad to see it can continue on
for others as well.
One thing I've learned is that a clean break is the easiest
way to deal with change. When a change occurs one shouldn't
go against the flow...let it happen, let go, and be grateful
of the time and love you shared with her. When I first was
out of this relationship I entertained thoughts of weaning
ourselves off one another and letting go of the romantic
involvement on a gradual basis, expressed by saying "Let's
stay friends and see each other casually." When you're with
someone romantically for any number of years it's difficult
to make that transition overnight. My ex and I have had no
contact for several weeks, which has been most beneficial to
my growth, the healing process is proving to be astoundingly
brief and *easy*!
Maybe a momentary breather will do you good--it's not overly
difficult to become addicted to another person and get used
to their presence. Sometimes a change which you initially
consider difficult turns out to be a breeze...
Good luck, and God bless.
Carla
|
| 676.23 | It will indeed. | CLUE::PAINTER | | Tue May 03 1988 21:45 | 35 |
| Hi everyone,
Remember my 'bad days' note a few days ago? The decisions have
been made and I'd like to tell you what was going on. It was
truly the worst day of my life. This seemed like the best topic
to be in - Carla, I know where you were at. It does tear you
apart.
After 11 years of knowing each other and 7 years of marriage, my
husband and I are separating. I can scarcely begin to write the
message even now, as it hurts so much to see it in print.
We've been working very hard for many months to try to make it work,
and it seemed that we were making headway. But it turned out not to
be the case, and finally we've decided to take this course of action.
This conversation began last Wednesday, and ended last evening, so
I'm still reeling from it all and it will take a very long time for
me to come to terms with it. After many years and many, many happy
memories, we found that we had grown in very different directions,
and now we need some time and space.
We've made the decision though, to remain very close, loving and
supportive friends. This alone is of much comfort to me, and it
will probably be this fact that I will be able to get through all
of this knowing that things really will be alright.
I now know the meaning of the phrase "If you love someone, set them
free...." It is probably the greatest and most bittersweet love
of all.
Any good thoughts, positive energy, prayers, you would like to
send in our direction would be most welcome. I really love you
all out there.
Cindy
|
| 676.25 | There is yet much brightness in the night. | WRO8A::GUEST_TMP | HOME, in spite of my ego! | Wed May 04 1988 03:55 | 108 |
| As each year in a life goes by, more experiences get added
to the cumulative being that comprises the individual. Since change
is the only sure thing that exists, it becomes even clearer that
the cumulative effect of the changes will affect the persona which
is known as the self. As difficult as it is oftentimes to find
another person with which to share in life, it can be even more
difficult to stay in that relationship as the changes accumulate.
The point is that two people have to make a conscious effort to
enact changes which affect each person in a positive way (in terms
of the relationship) or else there is a greater risk to find
oneself with changes to which the other cannot adjust. As more
and more time goes by, the more opportunities for disruption there
are. The commitments, etc. (as pointed out in the soul-mates note)
are only there as long as the choice and decision to keep it there
exists. In order to feel the level of love which this type of
relationship *can* offer, then there must be a willingness to make
oneself vulnerable. That vulnerability opens one up to a greater
risk of hurt than might otherwise be there. There are many things
that can be done to help prevent the "negative" outcome, one is
by focusing on the positive outcomes and being willing to
unconditionally love the other. But like with all of life, there
are no guarantees and no sense of fairness. There are no "points"
for "good behaviour" nor points for the "most suffering or sacrifice."
Each person is left to him/herself to determine the value of the
relationship. Is there impeccability in your actions? Do you have
your character firmly in place? How are your principles? Do you
function with a sense of integrity? What are your ideals like and
how do your expectations measure up to them? If you are doing all
you possibly can, then it is up to you to evaluate the situation
and to act. Similarly, the partner may be going through the same
process and discover that there is a situation that does not support
his/her function. Separation is the usual outcome. Or, at least
a change in the relationship. At the very best, one must be willing
to allow the possibility that this can occur and hope that there
will be understanding and compassion for the other when it does.
For me, this has not been easy to do. There is a strong tendency
to dominate (by not letting go.) Very often, though, loving someone
means saying "no." It is useful to remember that when the "no"
is directed towards us. So, the events of the present move into
the events of the past...they are no longer things we do; they become
the things we did. As we have pointed out within this conference
before, it is the future which "ordains" the present. So we create
a new future and therefore a new present. The void can be filled.
Only by emptying the "garbage" (non-useful habits, etc.) can you
create the void in the first place.
I sympathize with anyone who experiences pain. It's easy
for most, if not all, of us to do, for we've all felt it. It is
useful to remember that there are realities which we have allowed
even if we cannot admit that we have created them. We can then
take responsibility for them and change them (if that's what is
desired) or continue them (if that's the choice.) So that hopefully
we never repeat the experience that brings the pain. It also
helps to keep in mind that this is not an ending, but a new beginning.
There are always beautiful and bright futures available. Focus
on that.
Each of us has painful experiences. It does not accomplish
very much in a positive way if we sit around and compare them (in
my opinion.) I don't know how many of you remember what I consider
one of the all-time most repulsive shows on television, "Queen for
a Day." The premise of the show was to find the person with the
most horrible experience and give them (out of pity, or out of
a sense of "better than") some prize, e.g. a new washing machine.
In other words, it was an overt way for our society to value pain,
suffering, sacrifice, hardship, etc. The rewards are already there;
they're called "payoffs" The payoff can be one of victimhood,
martyrhood, better than, worse than (which is actually a better
than) guilt, blame, righteous anger, self-pity, etc. Payoffs
should be eliminated, people, not rewarded. I recognize that this
may initially sound callous. Healing someone else (which ultimately
isn't the way it happens) involves bringing someone else's level
of energy (supposedly low) up to yours (supposedly high.) Moving
to their level is not healing. Helping them to move up to yours,
is. Showing compassion is fine...wallowing in their pigpen isn't.
What I am saying here is that one story of pain does not warrant
another. Let us not try to outdo each other with our negative stories
(or our positive ones, for that matter.) If we need help, we can
ask...details are not always necessarily prudent. Specific solutions
may require specific details, but general comfort does not. This
is not meant to criticize those who are trapped within such a morray
of blockages that they cannot see any daylight. This is meant only
to point out that there *are* steps and ways that one can work in
which to eliminate them.
I wish to repeat that I sympathize with anyone for whatever
pain they might be experiencing...and offer the suggestion that
there is very likely a way past the pain and back into the joy.
Cindy, I sincerely hope that the happiness within yourself that
you have sought will be strong enough to help bring you through
your difficulties. I congratulate you for all the work that you
have done on yourself. I feel a great sense of well-being that
you have within yourself since you started this trek so many months
ago. You grew to a place where an important and meaningful
relationship was altered. Hopefully you won't see this as a sign
to retreat, for you cannot undo what has been done. Evaluate your
situation and use it as a new foundation. You will probably construct
an even stronger and happier future/present with that foundation
firmly in place. The two of you can very well separate with no
ill-feelings towards the other. It sounds as though the separation
is being enacted with great dignity. Commend yourself for that.
Much success and happiness to you.
Frederick
(please note that 676.24 was deleted prior to this entry.)
|
| 676.26 | believe in the miracle of time | NAC::L_WILLIAMS | | Wed May 04 1988 12:46 | 24 |
| Steve, I agree with Carla that a total break is the easiest way
to do it. A year long, deep and committed relationship I had ended
abruptly a week before Christmas. It was totally unexpected. Of
course at the time I thought I would never make it through but time
showed that the total separation was easier to handle than continued
communication. Have faith in "time", it's a miracle healer.
Cindy, my thoughts are with you. They only way to get through this
pain is to do it only one day at a time and when this proves to
be too much, then you do it one minute at a time. Here is a poem
that helped me through the rough time; I would like to share it
with you and hope it will help you too.
Never give up HOPE, Oh my soul
As hard as life may try to deceive
Our purest dream, our most tenacious effort
Even in the desert, the breath of God passes.
Never give up LOVE, Oh my soul
Without expecting in return, one must always know to give
For the time always come when we can't carry with tranquility
The weight of an empty past and an unused heart
Lorraine
|
| 676.27 | Be extra kind to yourself | MTBLUE::DUCHARME_GEO | | Wed May 04 1988 13:48 | 5 |
|
Carla I feel for you.Treat yourself with extra kindness.
George
|
| 676.28 | a different source for pain | GENRAL::DANIEL | We are the otters of the Universe | Wed May 04 1988 14:59 | 103 |
| Cindy, your note broke my heart. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.
Earlier this week, I began a suffering process, too, so you know you have
company.
I do not mourn the change of a loving relationship with a man. The man in my
life was awakened today to the fact that I need his love and support now in a
big way.
My job and I have come to a point where we can no longer stay together. It
does not utilize my talents and strengths. It is imperative that I find
something which does utilize some of what I can do well, for my esteem has
suffered much. Finances make it impossible to simply get away from jobs for a
while and engage in adequate recovery time. Jobs in the field in which I do
have talent, are almost impossible to come by. Previous experience makes me
reluctant to seek the same type of job, but I am really not trained for
anything else, and don't have the finances to go to school again, not that I
know what I would take, anyway.
In the past, I loved the media. After getting my degree from a reputable
school, I had to start at the bottom and work my way up. I went from courier
to producer/writer at the local CBS affiliate. And how I loved to write; to go
into the field and direct shoots; to work with clients; to see commercials I'd
written, on television; some of the commercials were local favorites, and I
heard praise from anyone who knew I'd had anything to do with them. But
management didn't care that I had talents; I could be easily replaced. I
wanted to find a place where my talents would be valued; where I could be
valued for the individual that I am. So I quit, and worked a talent agency. I
brought in record numbers. The gross cash intake doubled my first month there,
and doubled again my second month. But someone was sleeping with the boss, and
someone else was jealous, and lies were told, and the boss fired me. I
wandered around and did freelance (and starvation) for a while; got hired to be
a producer at another station just starting up, and somehow ended up running
the traffic computer, instead. I was engaged at the time, and my fiancee had a
job in Hawaii, so I went, and freelanced more, there. We came back; he dropped
me like a rock; I took any job I could get, and learned the pain of not being
able to find a job that requires the talents I have. Everyone was full.
Colleges were graduating thousands of media students each year. Prospects were
dimming. Silly me, I thought there was reward for applied talent. I got my
first radio job. And I thought *television* was bad.
The hours were awful, but I put faith in myself, and worked to get good enough
to go full-time and not have to work through temporary agencies to survive. The
boss and I got along really well, until someone told him we seemed too close;
then he didn't want to be playing favorites, and life went from tolerable to
sad again. He ended up firing me because I had an "attitude problem". I was
also getting no sleep; graveyards 3 nights a week and 8a-5p three days a week
takes its toll. Another radio station hired me on part-time (later, a
reference from this station said I got my job "...through abnormal means", and
believe me, I have no idea what's abnormal about coming to a station with
experience, and working more graveyards). New owners came in; liked what they
saw in me; put me on full-time status. But to pay your dues, my supervisor
would say, you have to burn the midnight oil; work here almost all the time
you're not sleeping; even if this job does only pay $900 a month. Salaried, of
course. I had five jobs. Once again, I was wearing thin. I was doing all of
the background research in promotions for my super., who was a newcomer to
town. I was handling PSA's (Public Service Announcements), doing middays on-the
-air (10a-2p), producing and transferring commercials, and writing copy. The
general manager called me in to his office one day to tell me how well I was
doing. I went and bought a new stereo, which I'd wanted for years. A week
later, my slimeball super. told the general manager that I wasn't doing my job,
and he was having to suffer for it. What?!?! You mean all that background
work I was doing for you, you're taking credit for??? You got it - I was fired
on the spot. My one real success, taken out from under me. That was June 12,
Thursday, 1986. I never got over it. And now, this.
I went for my first interview Tuesday, at a tv station. They were vague about
whether or not they would be able to budget for a position, and even more vague
about exactly what a position would entail, so it was hard to tell, for what I
was interviewing.
The feelings I had going in to the interview surprised me. Remote feelings of
pain. I conducted myself well in the interview; I certainly know how,
considering all of the experience I've had, and I write one heckuva resume,
too. But the wounds that never healed; the wounds from all of those
experiences that I swallowed; broke wide open. Perhaps I never allowed myself
to fully feel the pain. After that last job, I was mostly stunned.
There are the feelings, based on experience, that society doesn't want what I
have to offer, and doesn't care what I have to offer. My talents seem
unmarketable. When it comes to finding a job, it seems that what I have to
give is worthless. I've been in this job for 20 months; this job where none of
my talents are utilized, yet I make more than I did in five years of the media.
This has never made sense to me, that truck drivers came to tv stations and ran
camera and ended up earning better money than I; that slimeballs from
out-of-state could come in and use me for everything I could give, and then
just toss me away as if I didn't matter. (That slimeball was fired a few
months later because they finally figured out *who* couldn't do his job...Too
late for me, of course).(The talent agency was closed down due to tax fraud,
and the boss' wife divorced him because he was having several affairs).
If only I could find my niche; if only. I feel betrayed by my career, which I
loved as well as any lover. I gave of myself. I gave from within. I gave it
love. And it rejected me.
I cannot seem to find my place. So, I sit at my desk, and use my writing
ability in NOTES, and use Charmin Sqeezably Soft toilet paper to dry my tears
and my nose.
Wondering what I am supposed to do next.
Feeling as if I would really like to curl up at home for a couple of weeks and
see if there's a bottom to all this pain...the same stuff that woke me up in
the middle of the night and sent me to work today with puffy eyes.
|
| 676.29 | Recommendation | SCOPE::PAINTER | | Wed May 04 1988 17:38 | 11 |
|
Meredith,
For puffy eyes, take cotton squares (Coets?), put witch hazel
on them and put them gently over your eyes after laying down. Keep
them on for about 5 minutes or so, and then go to the sink with
your eyes still closed and rinse the stuff off with cool water.
It really does work.
Cindy (who knows)
|
| 676.30 | | CSC32::WOLBACH | | Wed May 04 1988 19:41 | 22 |
|
Gosh, darn, Meredith, Cindy! I don't know if it's positive
to know that I'm not the only person in the world to have
gone thru these situations, or negative read your (respective)
words and relive the hurt!!!!
Meredith, especially-your reference to giving 110% to your job,
the company you work(ed) for, and getting NOTHING back...the
frustration of feeling unvaluable, and of not knowing HOW to
get out of the situation,other than quitting and starting
fresh (an option which I am quite seriously considering)......
Maybe if we all sent each other electronic hugs and lots of
positive energy, we'd all wake up happy and fulfilled one
morning...
Deb
|
| 676.31 | | SNOC01::MYNOTT | | Wed May 04 1988 23:57 | 25 |
| So read, Deb.
This reply is full of electric hugs and definite positive energy.
I hope this is enough for a while...
...dale
|
| 676.32 | You'll get through it | SAHQ::KASPER | Life is like a beanstalk, isn't it... | Tue May 10 1988 17:32 | 10 |
| Cindy,
Just reading my unseens. Sorry to hear about your experience. My thoughts
and prayers are with you.
Remember, there are no mistakes - we learn and grow from *everything* we do.
Terry
(who's pretty new to this conference)
|
| 676.33 | Doing much better now. | SCOPE::PAINTER | | Tue May 10 1988 18:25 | 17 |
|
Thank you, Terry, and to all who has written as well.
Things are better and I'm over the initial shock now. It is a painful
process, this 'growth' stuff, however we're managing to leave the
old marriage shell behind and build a new one out of friendship.
Energy is never created or destroyed, just transformed. And in
true Scorpio fashion, that's exactly what I'm in the process of
doing. The best part is that it seems to be working.
Thanks again - this is a great group to be with!
Cindy
PS. Have any of you seen Carla Blazek's VMSmail header? (;^)
|
| 676.34 | | GENRAL::DANIEL | We are the otters of the Universe | Tue May 10 1988 19:43 | 5 |
| Things look better from over here, too, Cindy. It was great, that we could
help *each other* out, too!
Love and Light
Meredith
|
| 676.35 | send good vibes | COOKIE::DANIEL | We are the otters of the Universe | Mon May 16 1988 22:11 | 9 |
| The work situation is coming to a head.
We have a big meeting first thing Thursday morning.
Send good vibes. I'm going to be nervous. I think I have my thoughts and my
act together enough to perform, decently.
Shudder.
Meredith
|
| 676.36 | Better to have loved and lost...!?! | GLDOA::WETHERINGTON | | Thu Jul 07 1988 15:40 | 38 |
| Hope the meeting went well, Meredith. They all put their pants on
the same way.
My question regarding this topic has to do, perhaps, with some of
the things discussed in other topics here in DEJAVU, namely, energy
levels, both physical and spiritual.
I just got dumped by someone who I was making plans to move in with,
and it's probably a good thing it happened now before things had
gotten more tight.
The emotions I've been going through have been like nothing I've
ever had to deal with before...I'd never felt this way about someone
before. I've never really had my heart, my physical heart, emanate
feelings before, it's always seemed to have come from somewhere
in my mind, but this time I know that actual strong emotions were
emanating from the part of my body where my heart is. When they
were positive they were like some kind of nirvana, like a place
of loving and caring I'd never been before.
Now that same area of my heart seems to be like a black hole of
energy that is sapping away at my strength, both physical and
emotional. I don't think this is normal...'cuz I feel like all my
energy is going somewhere and I don't know where. I feel myself
caving in inside.
I know guys aren't supposed to cry (now that the 80s are here all
us men realize that that "sensitive guy" BS was just that, that
women really want someone like John Wayne)...but I've found myself
doing just that driving to work, driving home, when certain songs come
on the radio...
I guess what I'm saying is I know this isn't healthy, it's been
about 4 days now and I should be coming out of this.
Any comments, suggestions?
Doug (whose Aries optimism is being pushed to the max...)
|
| 676.37 | yes, much better to have ... | SWSNOD::DALY | Serendipity 'R' us | Thu Jul 07 1988 16:18 | 19 |
| Doug,
I know what you are feeling. Years ago, when I got divorced, I
remember thinking that I had no idea there was this much pain in
the _entire_world_, let alone inside _one_person_. I also
have had the very real "heart ache" that you speak of. I suppose
that if I had been older, I might have seen a doctor about it. I
don't know how common it is, but I do know it does fade. All I
can say is that you are a better person for having felt (both good
and bad) so deeply. Hang on to all you call your own. Hold it
close to you and let it be your anchor, and believe that you will
live to love once more.
To help fill that void in your chest, I'm going to send some love
and comfort your way this afternoon. I betcha you'll feel it!
Be kind to yourself.
Marion
|
| 676.38 | Hang in there! | JJM::ASBURY | | Thu Jul 07 1988 16:23 | 19 |
| re .36
Hey, Doug, give yourself a break, ok? 4 days is *not* an excessively
long time to mourn the loss of a loved one. I know, that makes it
sound like she died, but in some ways, I think the feelings are
similar.
I don't have any great advice for you or anything. Just hang in
there. And, although it is a cliche, time really does help.
-Amy.
>I know guys aren't supposed to cry (now that the 80s are here all
>us men realize that that "sensitive guy" BS was just that, that
>women really want someone like John Wayne)...but I've found myself
I disagree. (personally, John Wayne doesn't do that much for me.
Of course, he's kinda dead, too... ;-) )
|
| 676.39 | This too shall pass... | USAT05::KASPER | Life is like a beanstalk, isn't it... | Thu Jul 07 1988 16:57 | 20 |
| Doug,
Many of us know the feeling. Years ago my girlfriend left me and it seemed
like she took my insides with her. I hung onto the pain for a long time
until I realized I was the one doing the hanging on, she wasn't pulling at
me. I knew I had lost something, but the memories of the good times were
mine anytime I wanted to recall them. At times I still do, not to dwell
in the painfull side of the experience (the part when she left) but rather
the times when I felt special, felt like something inside was growing and the
world made sense. I use these 'feelings' still. It has nothing really
to do with her at all (in fact, I haven't seen or heard from/about her
in over 18 years) but I still carry something good from the relationship.
In other words, I sense a purpose to the whole experience and it continues
to help and guide me in certain situations even today. That I can be very
thankfull for.
Hang in there, it will all make sense one day.
Terry
|
| 676.40 | A time to love, a time to cry | HPSCAD::DDOUCETTE | The WP is mighter than the Gun | Thu Jul 07 1988 19:59 | 17 |
| I think that considering the relationship as "dead" is a reasonable way
to look at the brakeup. The pain hurts, and the more you think about it
the more it hurts. This is especially ture when you're doing things that
remind you of your times together, or when you have a chance to think about
it when you're alone.
How do you get over it? Keep active, get together with friends, do things
that give you a positive feeling. That openness you feel is a need that
has to be filled. Indulge yourself for a while, its beautiful time of
year for it! Maybe you should pick up a hobby that you've been wanting to
start for a while.
And once you're over it, you'll realize the saying is true: "It IS better
to have loved and lost..."
Take care,
Dave
|
| 676.41 | Love is always available...tear down the barriers. | WRO8A::GUEST_TMP | Going HOME--as an Adventurer | Fri Jul 08 1988 03:21 | 48 |
| Though there are many approaches and many answers, from where
I presently sit I believe that the single most important thing to
do is to make absolutely certain that ALL (as much as possible)
of your emotions get expressed. There are appropriate and
inappropriate ways to do this, but the essential point is that they
are not allowed to get pent up in suppression or repression.
You may notice that dwelling on a feeling as long as you can
(make an effort to hold onto [e.g.] an angry thought--impeccably; that
is, allow NO OTHER thought in) and you may notice that it becomes
almost impossible to hold an impeccable thought for more than a
few minutes. In other words, you "tire" and get "bored with" that
thought and find yourself moving towards a different emotion.
(This is one way to diffuse an emotion.)
I'm sure most of us have felt what has been described here
in this note...I am certainly no exception. This doesn't lessen
its pain or hurt, but it may give you "proof" that it is survivable,
and, hopefully, you will find your way through it more rapidly by
knowing that. That you have felt the pain indicates that you are
capable of feeling at least that much love (for the more willingness,
to experience pain, one has, the more ability/willingness to experience
the same intensity of love.) Understand, if possible, that we do
not have to feel pain in order to feel love...the key word here
is willingness. But, with effort, the future can be full of love
without the actual experience of pain.
As a personal note, I will add that I have been "in love"
many times...each time the relationship (many of which were one-
sided) ended, I went through various lengths of time to "heal."
But always, always, I have been open to love anew, and each and
every time, I have found it again. I have friends who have been
hurt and who are always afraid of being hurt again...what do they
do? They spend their time complaining that they don't have any
love in their lives. Is it any wonder (as David Bowie once sang)
that that is the result? If you learn what you can, forgive
yourself for whatever you feel you failed at, make an honest,
solid effort to change, then make yourself WILLING to be hurt
in recognition that you will risk that in order to let the love
in, then the "odds" are quite beautifully in your favor of finding
as much love as you seek. As was hinted in an earlier note, time
is up to you...it may take days or maybe longer. My final suggestion
is my initial one, here. Do not cover up your emotions or pretend
they aren't there. Let go of them and open yourself up to self-love.
May your journey be speedy.
Frederick
|
| 676.42 | | GENRAL::DANIEL | I'm not bored. | Fri Jul 08 1988 20:48 | 25 |
| Doug,
I know what you mean about that physical feeling where the emotions hurt. I
had that before, too, when I found out my ex-fiancee was sleeping with someone
else when we were physically separated for a few months. And I'd spent all
that energy working out at the health club.
I think they call it "my guts were spilling out all over the place." I cried a
lot, didn't get much sleep, didn't have the ability to eat much. A close
friend of mine is going through that very same thing right now; hasn't been
able to keep any food down for the past couple of days. And he looks awful.
He's going to see a counselor. If you feel like you could use emotional
repair, you may want to consider doing the same. A counselor can really help.
I agree with Frederick, in that it is better to express the pain than is it, to
keep it inside. Pick up a copy of "How to Survive the Loss of a Love". I
don't mean to over-mention it; it's just that my copy got used during a few
times when I was hurt, especially during this particular breakup (we got back
together after this, and then he dumped me hard and cold, just left town, that
was it...I was left to decipher that this was a message).
"This too shall pass". Puffs are softer than Kleenex...
Love
Meredith
|
| 676.43 | Take a sad song, and make it better.... | GLDOA::WETHERINGTON | | Mon Jul 11 1988 13:30 | 26 |
| Each and every reply had something extremely valueable and relevant
to say. I can't help but observe that this must be a common experience
among people.
I definitely think I just grew up a little. I've never been through
this to this depth before in 23 years.
Thank you all very much for taking the time to relate the information
you did. Each reply offered a new slant on what 's been going through
my head, and more than you know, you've helped me keep a level head
through this.
May I also comment that for me personally, it is beautiful to see
other folks who are willing to go out of their way to help someone
out. With these kind of folks around you, I don't see how you could
go wrong. Being the one that others usually turn to for advice,
it's extremely gratifying to see that when I need advice, others
are there. Being hundreds of miles away from both sides of my family
and basically making my own life up here in Detroit, I don't know
where I'd be without people like you, and I am truly blessed to
have people like you, and my own personal friends, in my life.
Thanks again. May all your journeys be guided with the same gentle
hand of guidance you have offered to me.
DW
|