Conference hydra::dejavu

500.0. "Are You Enlightened?" by FDCV13::PAINTER () Fri Sep 25 1987 14:00

                   -< Humor for a Friday Morning >-
    
    
                          ENLIGHTENMENT QUIZ 
             By Sri Charles Castelli and Elliot Sobelananda
    
    The following is a test of your level of enlightenment.  Score one
    point for each wrong answer.  Add your total number of correct answers
    to your total numbr of wrong answers, divide by the total number
    of questions on the test, then wonder why you've tried to follow
    it this far.
    
    	Select the answer which best completes the following statements:
    
    1.  Yin and ...
    	  a) Yout
          b) Tonic
          c) Yenta
          d) Yang
    
    2.  A Zen koan is...
          a) A Jewish Buddist
          b) All of the above
          c) None of the above
          d) All and none of the above
    
    3.  Just before total God-realization, I would see...
    	  a) A blue pearl
    	  b) Nothing
    	  c) Everything
    	  d) How would I know?
    
    4.	Lao-Tsu is...
    	  a) Shrimp with fried rice
    	  b) A Japanese word for "sneeze"
    	  c) What comes after Lao-One
    	  d) One of the above

    5.	Jivatman and Atman merge to become...
    	  a) Jivatmananatman
          b) Jivatman & Atman, Inc.
    	  c) The Atman Brothers
     	  d) Mr. and Mrs. Atman
    
    6. 	The word or words which best describe the relationship of God,
        Guru, and Self is...
    	  a) Oneness
    	  b) Twoness
    	  c) Penpalness
    	  d) Just good friends
    
    7.  Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?
          a) Jehova
    	  b) Elohim
    	  c) Yahweh
    	  d) Charlton Heston
    	     
    8.  If you cross a Swami with a Yogi, you get:
    	  a) A Swogi
    	  b) A Salami
    	  c) Yogurt
    	  d) Heartburn
    
    9.	Carlos Castenada is:
    	  a) A flamenco dancer
    	  b) The 2nd baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers
    	  c) A resort near San Juan
          d) The guitarist for Santana
    
    10. Om Mani Padne Hum means:
          a) Oh Manny, pardon my home
    	  b) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb
    	  c) "Money talks, nobody walks" in Sanskrit
    	  d) Never having to say you're sorry
    
    11. The Sound of One Hand Clapping is:
    	  a  Very Quiet
    	  b) Similar to smiling with one lip
    	  c) A Zen record store
    	  d) Like the "p" in swimming
    
    12. Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to...
    	  a) Eenie-meenie
    	  b) Halloweenie
    	  c) Harry Houdini
    	  d) Pepto Bismol (this is the silly answer)

    13. The Tao Te Ching is:
    	  a) The new premier of China
          b) I Ching's older brother
    	  c) A new record by Cheech and Chong
    	  d) A massage parlor in Tokyo
    
    14. You arrive at a party and your host(ess) says, "Far out, I
    	want to take responsibility for creating space in your universe
        so you can experience your experience."  He/she means:
    	  a) "Have a good time"
    	  b) "Don't eat the Swedish meatballs"
          c) "I recently completed the est training"
    	  d) Nothing anybody would understand.
    
    15. If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how
        many devotees would it take to mow a lawn?

    16. If three devoteees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned
        devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?    
    
    17. If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5
	pranayams per second, and at the same time an energy force was
	moving in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayams per
	second, what time would it be in Chicago if we wake up in Los Angeles?

  TRUE-FALSE
    
    ...Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.
    ...Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends
       and holidays. 
    ...Sufi Dancing is like square dancing, only rounder.
    ...The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.
    
    BRAIN TEASER	
    
    	An enlightened being was locked in a closet with only a baseball
        bat. How did he get out?  (Answer after form feed)
    
    Score
    
    0-5 points:  You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and
	         death..  Try again next time!
    
    6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly desires.
    
    10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale.
    
    15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good
                  karma you could go all the way.

    20-25 points: You are very close to God-realization - early November
	          at the latest.
    

 
    Answer to brain teaser:  He breaks down the door with the baseball bat.

    re .0:
  
>BRAIN TEASER	
>    
>    	An enlightened being was locked in a closet with only a baseball
>        bat. How did he get out?  (Answer after form feed)
 
    
    
    
    >Answer to brain teaser:  He breaks down the door with the baseball bat.
    
    No, no, no.
    
    
    He swings the bat three times and the Umpire calls him out. 
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr.        

    By golly, it did (I'm still snortling).
    
    Marcia

    or have you ever been enlightened?
    well, I have

    re:.0 & .5			-> Spike wise <-
    		Bery,Bery intelesting, Answers to 1- 17 = D  Some or
    all of the above (I'm a glutten)		Pink Floyd has enlightened
    me like no other Rock has (I have a small head you know)
    			8-))))

    
    
    ......Outstanding!
    

    A year later on Friday and it's STILL funny!!!
    
    I just had 2 people stop in to see what I was laughing at!!!
    
    THank you!

    
    Re: .8
    
    It's August 11, 1989, and it's _still_ funny!
    
    - Jim

    Gawd, I needed taht today!
    
    L.
    - a realized bean