Conference hydra::dave_barry

1051.0. "Commencement Address to Class of 1997" by ORION::chayna.zko.dec.com::tamara::eppes (Nina Eppes) Thu May 15 1997 21:38

Dave Barry
May 9, 1997 (Miami Herald)
May 11, 1997 (Boston Globe [and others?])

Members of the Class of 1997, as I stand before you to deliver your
commencement address, I am reminded of a humorous story. Unfortunately, I
can't tell it, because it's dirty. It's the one about the two guys who are
golfing, and one gets bitten by a snake. Ha ha! That's a good one!

But seriously, you are about to leave this high school or university and enter
into a new era -- an era that, if current trends continue, will be: the
future. Speaking of the future, I am reminded of a quotation by Steve Miller,
who wrote: "Some people call me Maurice, because I speak of the pompatus of
love."

No, sorry, wrong Steve Miller quotation. I meant this one: "Time keeps on
slippin', slippin', slippin', into the future." How true, true, true, young
people! But by the same token, you must not forget another very important part
of your lives: the past. As students, you have spent the past in school,
memorizing facts such as who was the ninth president of the United States, and
what percentage of the atmosphere is nitrogen. Many times you have said to
yourself: "What good will these facts do me in the real world?"

Young people, you'll find that the things you learned in school will be
vitally important to your success, provided that you are a contestant on
Jeopardy. Otherwise they're useless. In the real world, there are few
occasions when your boss rushes up to you and says: "Tell me what percentage
of the atmosphere is nitrogen RIGHT NOW or we'll lose the Winkersnood
contract!" In the real world, it's much more helpful to know things like what
the area code for Fort Lauderdale is.

The answer, I am outraged to report, is "954." What kind of area code is
that? You are too young to remember this, but there was a time when there were
only about five area codes in the entire world, and they all had either a
"1" or a "0" in the middle, the way the Good Lord intended area codes to
be, as in "212," an area code that came over on the Mayflower. But today, in
this "anything-goes" era of drugs and crime and inter-league baseball, ANY
random three-digit number can be an area code, and the phone companies, which
are all run by Candice Bergen, are adding mutant new ones at the rate of
hundreds per day. Do you want to know why the phone companies are so eager to
get your long-distance business? Because pretty soon EVERY CALL YOU MAKE WILL
BE TO A DIFFERENT AREA CODE, INCLUDING CALLS TO OTHER ROOMS IN YOUR OWN HOUSE,
that's why.

Who is going to fight this injustice? Not my generation. My generation is
currently occupied full time with applying skin moisturizers. No, it is up to
you, the Class of 1997, to take on the telephone companies, and also the
companies that make the cardboard food packages that have the little
dotted-line semi-circles that say "PRESS TO OPEN."

Let me ask you, the Class of 1997, a question: Have you EVER been able to open
a package by pressing that little semi-circle? I didn't think so. Those
semi-circles are reinforced at the package factory with titanium; they can
easily deflect bullets. NASA pastes those semi-circles on the nose of the
Space Shuttle to protect it during re-entry.

Let me ask you another question: Have you ever tried to wrap leftover food in
clear plastic wrap? Have you ever tried to tear off a piece of that wrap using
the so-called "cutting edge"? If so, did you get a nice, square piece, like
the one the cheerful homemaker always gets in the commercial? Don't make me
laugh until saliva dribbles onto my commencement robe. What you got was a
golf-ball-sized wad that looks like a dead jellyfish. THE "CUTTING EDGE"
CUTS NOTHING, YOUNG PEOPLE! Fact: For every leftover food item that American
consumers are able to successfully wrap, they waste more than 37 square miles
of plastic -- enough to cover all of Manhattan Island, or the late Orson
Welles.

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people?
THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE
than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community!

Oh, I could go on, members of the Class of 1997, but I see that the man with
the tranquilizer-dart gun is here. So let me just close here with some
inspirational words from the ninth president of the United States, Steve
Miller, who said, and I quote: "Jungle love, it's drivin' me mad, it's makin'
me crazy." 

I blame all this nitrogen.