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Conference hydra::dave_barry

Title: Dave Barry - Noted humorist
Notice:Welcome! Please read guidelines in Note 412.
Moderator:SUBSYS::DOUCETTE
Created:Wed Jan 22 1986
Last Modified:Tue Jun 03 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1054
Total number of notes:3640

1050.0. "New Hope From Dog Spit" by BOOKIE::chayna.zko.dec.com::xanadu::eppes (Nina Eppes) Tue May 06 1997 16:05

Dave Barry
May 2, 1997 (Miami Herald)
May 4, 1997 (Boston Globe [and others?])

Our topic today, on Breakthroughs in Medicine, is: New Hope From Dog Spit.

I have here some very exciting scientific correspondence from William B.
Yancey, M.D., who is a medical doctor and therefore legally allowed to (1)
park anywhere; (2) give shots; (3) tell people to get naked; and (4) make
scientific observations.

Dr. Yancey wrote to me about an observation that he scientifically made
regarding his Labrador retriever, who is named Refrigerator. Refrigerator
recently underwent hip surgery; in preparation for the operation, the
veterinarian shaved his hindquarters. Then, realizing his mistake, he also
shaved Refrigerator's hindquarters.

No, seriously, the veterinarian's hindquarters have nothing to do with this,
and I am instructing the jury to disregard them. The point is that
Refrigerator had all the fur removed from his rear end (or, in medical
parlance, his "bazooty").

If you know anything about dogs, you know how Refrigerator spent his
recuperation period: He licked himself pretty much full time. Dogs are very
big believers in the healing power of licking. If dogs operated a hospital,
here's how it would work: A patient would arrive in the Emergency Room, and a
team of doctor dogs would gather around to conduct an examination, which would
consist of thoroughly sniffing the patient. (They would also sniff the floor,
in case anybody had left food lying around.) Then the doctor dogs would hold a
conference, and whatever the patient's symptoms were -- coughing, lack of
pulse, a spear passing all the way through the patient's head -- the doctor
dogs would agree that the best course of treatment was: licking. And we're
talking about a LOT of licking. Not just the patient licking himself or
herself; but also the doctors licking the patient, licking themselves, and
licking the other doctors. This is state-of-the-art medical care for dogs.
Their equivalent of a CAT scan machine would be a big tube filled with
tongues.

So anyway, after his operation, Refrigerator was performing medical care on
himself, and Dr. Yancey made a scientific observation; namely, that
Refrigerator's hair "has grown fastest in the areas where he has spent
significant time licking himself."

Using this observation, Dr. Yancey was able to form a scientific hypothesis --
a term that is formed from two Greek words, "hy," which means "something," and
"pothesis," which means "that pops into your head while you are watching a dog
lick itself after you have maybe had a couple of brewskis."

Dr. Yancey's hypothesis is this: Dog spit grows hair. In fact, Dr. Yancey
believes that unwanted hair, such as facial hair on women and nose hair on
men, probably did not exist until the human race domesticated dogs and started
getting licked all the time.

But the more important implication is that dog spit could be a revolutionary
new hair-growth treatment for balding men. Granted, we do not yet have actual
laboratory proof of this. But we do have a published report in the form of
this column, which has been printed in a newspaper with professional-looking
margins.

So I think it's time to move past the research phase of Dr. Yancey's
hypothesis and go directly to the phase where we unleash the power of this
amazing discovery to benefit humanity, to make the world a better place, and
-- most important -- to make money.

Specifically what I am thinking of is a franchised line of hair-growth salons,
perhaps with a sophisticated name such as La Spitte Du Chien Pour Les Hommes.
Upon arriving at a salon, a client would undergo a pre-treatment interview,
during which he would be asked a series of scientific questions ("Do you have
money?" "How much?"). The client would then be ushered into the Preparation
Area, where his scalp would be coated with a scientifically designed,
nutrition-enhanced, precision-balanced formulation consisting of Skippy brand
peanut butter.

Finally the client would enter the Treatment Area, where he would be
instructed to lie down on the floor with his arms at his sides. A door would
then be opened, and a professional Hair Growth Technician, barking loudly,
would sprint into the room at upwards of 400 miles per hour, skid to a stop,
and begin enthusiastically treating the client's scalp. All of the technicians
at La Spitte Du Chien Pour Les Hommes would be carefully selected on the basis
of friendliness, professionalism, and not peeing on the clients.

I grant you that this procedure has a few wrinkles that need to be worked out,
such as the issue of creamy vs. chunky. But basically I think it makes at
least as much scientific sense as the baldness cures you see advertised in
magazines. I see no reason why we can't go ahead and start setting up
franchise salons, and if any government agencies such as the Food and Drug
Administration have any questions, well, they can just send their inspectors
around to meet with our Board of Directors, Big Boy and Fang. They love
inspectors. It's their favorite meal.

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