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Conference hydra::dave_barry

Title: Dave Barry - Noted humorist
Notice:Welcome! Please read guidelines in Note 412.
Moderator:SUBSYS::DOUCETTE
Created:Wed Jan 22 1986
Last Modified:Tue Jun 03 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1054
Total number of notes:3640

1049.0. "Miami-Orlando Basketball Rivalry" by BOOKIE::chayna.zko.dec.com::manana::eppes (Nina Eppes) Wed Apr 30 1997 15:43

Dave Barry
Friday, April 25, 1997

I really don't want to get into it with the Orlandoids.

There have been far too many harsh words between Orlando and Miami. There's a
natural rivalry between these two Florida cities, both of which have so much
to be proud of:

+ Miami has the ocean, the beaches, the spectacular skyline, the gorgeous
supermodels, the vibrant nightlife and the cosmopolitan sophistication that
comes from an astounding level of cultural diversity.

+ Orlando has seven Waffle Houses.

Also, of course, both cities have pro basketball teams: Miami has the Heat,
and Orlando has the Fighting Theme Parks. These teams are now facing each
other in the first round of the playoffs, hoping to advance to every NBA
team's ultimate goal: getting stomped by the Bulls.

Over the years, the Miami-Orlando basketball rivalry has produced some bad
blood and nasty words. And while I certainly would never point the finger of
blame at any one side, this is totally the fault of Orlando, especially the
Theme Parks' executive vice president, Pat Williams, who has spent years
making petty, cheap-shot comments about Miami in a transparent attempt to
compensate for the fact that his eyes are way too close together.

I was sincerely hoping that we could avoid the ugly "trash-talking" this time
around, which is why on Wednesday I personally called Pat in his Orlando
office and begged him to control himself.

"Pat," I said, "Can't we all just get along?"

Here's how he responded:

+ "The Miami neighborhoods aren't so bad. I feel perfectly safe there, walking
my pet python." (Rim shot.)

+ "Last time we went to Miami, one of our players broke his nose in four
places. Needless to say, this time he's going to stay out of those places."
(Rim shot.)

Vicious remarks like this continued to spew from the receiver even as I hung
up on Pat, who by the way is available for weddings and bar mitzvahs. Pat's
behavior is very typical of the Orlandoids, who have developed an inferiority
complex from living in a city where the highest form of intellectual
achievement is to be able to name all seven dwarfs. So they lash out at the
citizens of Miami; they say we're rude and crazy and violent people who shoot
at each other in traffic. This is just so unfair. Anybody who lives in Miami
-- who has taken the time to become familiar with the ordinary people who
really make up this vital community -- knows that we sometimes also ram each
other in traffic, to conserve ammunition.

But we'd still rather be here than Orlando. Our feelings can be summed up by
the old Miami expression: "Better to get shot for cutting somebody off on the
Palmetto Expressway than to die of heat stroke while standing in line for
three hours in the blazing sun with 350,000 bulbous, sweating, B.O.-radiating
tourists from Ohio waiting to get into some over-hyped Disney attraction with
a name like `The Amazing World of Yeast.' "

But as I say, we don't want this to degenerate into some kind of childish
name-calling contest between the fine people of Miami and the Slurpee-bloated
yokels of Orlando. This is a sporting event, and it should be settled between
the two teams, which by the way played Thursday night at the Miami Arena.
These were the key factors in the game:

+ Team-leader nicknames:

The Heat have "Zo," which is a good nickname. The Theme Parks have "Penny,"
which is also a good nickname, assuming you're talking about Barbie's best
friend.

+ Coaches:

The Heat have Pat Riley. The Theme Parks have (temporarily, anyway) somebody
named "Richie Adubato." The previous coach, Brian Hill, was essentially fired
in midseason by the players, who deliberately sabotaged him via such tactics
as shooting at the wrong basket and playing in full scuba gear.

+ Famous celebrities:

The Heat had Matt Dillon and Kevin Bacon. The Theme Parks had "Richie
Adubato."

+ Hair:

The Theme Parks have Rony Seikaly, who is apparently getting his hair styled
by the International House of Seaweed.

So the key factors definitely favored the Heat, especially when you add in the
factor of which team kicked the other team's butt all the way out of the
building. It was a great night for Miami, but I hope you Heat fans, even in
victory, will show some restraint and class. Take the high road. Resist the
urge to gloat and make fun of the poor, unfortunate Orlando fans. And if you
must make fun of them, please, for their sake, use small words.


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