Conference hydra::dave_barry

1047.0. "Sending Ashes Into Space" by BOOKIE::chayna.zko.dec.com::manana::eppes (Nina Eppes) Wed Apr 30 1997 15:41

Dave Barry
Tuesday, April 22, 1997


Maybe we want to re-think this.

I'm talking about this idea of sending deceased       people's ashes up into
space. This is exactly what was done Monday morning with the remains of 24
people, including Gene Roddenberry, the creator of Star Trek; and Dr. Timothy
Leary, the brilliant, innovative thinker who came up with the brilliant
innovative thought of spending his entire adult life whacked out on drugs.

Ashes from these people were placed in 24 "lipstick-size metal vials," which
were placed in a rocket, which was launched into orbit from a plane flying
over the Canary Islands. The cost for this service, provided by a Houston
company called Celestis Inc., was $4,800 per vial (this price does not include
an in-flight meal).

Now, I certainly believe that deceased people have the right to have their
ashes disposed of in whatever way they want. I once wrote about a company in
Des Moines, Iowa, that caters to deceased sportspersons. For a fee, this
company will put a sportsperson's ashes inside a shotgun shell, which will
then be fired at a duck or other game animal of the sportsperson's choice; or
the ashes can be placed inside a duck decoy or fishing lure (I am not making
this up).

Now I personally would not find much comfort in the image of my earthly
remains being carried off in the mouth of a largemouth bass with the IQ of a
golf ball, but I certainly would not stand in the way of this being done to
somebody else's remains (here I am thinking specifically of Geraldo Rivera).

But I am troubled by this rocket idea. I say this because when we put
something up in space, two things can happen to it, and neither of them is
good.

One thing that can happen is that, after a few years in orbit, the rocket
containing the vials of remains will come back down; this is what Celestis
Inc. expects to happen. The company claims that the vials will burn up when
they re-enter the atmosphere.

But what if they don't? What if they survive the re-entry and crash into an
occupied building, such as a junior high school, spewing ashes all over the
place? Think about it: Would you want your son or daughter inhaling
microscopic pieces of Timothy Leary?

The other possibility is that the vials, while in space, will be picked up by
alien beings. We know there are alien beings out there, because we see them
every week on Star Trek; they look sort of like human beings, but they wear
huge quantities of makeup. They must have a voracious appetite for cosmetic
products.

If they find a bunch of lipstick-size metal vials, they'll probably conclude
that it's lipstick and try it on. If they like the particular shade, they'll
come to Earth looking for more.

I for one do not wish to wake up one morning and turn on the TV to see Katie
Couric, her face grim, announcing that our planet has been invaded by
grotesque creatures with what is left of Gene Roddenberry smeared on their
repulsive alien lips.

So I'm opposed to this ashes-in-space thing. When my time comes, I don't want
my remains put in a rocket and blasted off to some uncertain fate. I want them
disposed of right here on Earth, in a traditional, meaningful and dignified
manner. That's right: I want my ashes to be put in a tastefully inscribed urn,
which would then be blessed at a somber religious ceremony, placed inside a
mortar and fired from close range at the headquarters of the Internal Revenue
Service. ("Audit THIS" would be the tasteful urn inscription.)

Anyway, those are my views on death and taxes. And now, if you'll pardon me,
I'm going to go put some steel plates on my roof, in case Tim and Gene decide
to drop in.