Conference hydra::dave_barry

1038.0. "Heart-shaped Prostate Gland; Corrected Finland Facts" by ORION::chayna.zko.dec.com::tamara::eppes (Nina Eppes) Mon Mar 03 1997 19:38

Dave Barry
March 2, 1997


You can say what you want about us newspaper journalists. You can say that we
are atheistic liberal family-hating snake-worshiping communist perverts. You
can say that we dress like the character "Ratso" in the 1969 movie Midnight
Cowboy and apparently have our hair styled by angry wrens. But the one thing
you CAN'T say about us is that we don't admit our mistakes.

Yes, we have made some "doozies." Everyone remembers the famous 1948 picture
of Harry Truman holding up a copy of The Chicago Tribune with a huge
front-page headline declaring DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN. But what people DON'T
remember is that the very next day, The Tribune corrected that error with a
front-page headline declaring DEWEY DEFEATS COOLIDGE.

That is the high standard of accuracy to which we hold ourselves. And that is
why, today, I want to correct a statement that I made in a recent column about
a police officer in a Finnish city called Espoo who invented a harpoon for
cars.

In that column, I stated that Finland is also known as "Norway." Shortly
thereafter, I received dozens of letters, and do you know what they said?
That's right: I may already have won $10 million!

But I also received a lot of letters, some of them quite angry in tone,
stating that Finland is NOT also known as "Norway." A typical statement came
from Patty Young, who wrote: "Though Finland and Norway are both within
Europe, they are two individual countries." Another writer, Elizabeth Natti,
noted that "Finland was the only foreign country that paid off its World War I
debt to the United States." She also took issue with my suggestion that the
civic motto of Espoo should be "The City That Sounds Like A Person Spitting."
She states that "there is no `Pe' sound in the Finnish alphabet," and
therefore "Espoo" is pronounced "Es-BOO."

So I wish to sincerely apologize and issue the following corrections:

1. Finland is NOT also known as "Norway." Finland is, in fact, also known as
"Sweden."

2. The civic motto of Espoo should be "The City That Sounds Like A Person
Barfing."

3. None of this should be construed in any way as a criticism of Neil Diamond.

Now that we've cleared that up, let's get to the real purpose of this column,
which is an alarming medical discovery that was made during Valentine Season
by alert reader S. Scott Hanan, M.D., a family practitioner who apparently has
(1) access to medical research materials, and (2) a lot of spare time.

Dr. Hanan's discovery, which he backs up with six pages of diagrams from
medical books, is that -- prepare to be shocked -- the human heart is NOT
shaped like the valentine-style "heart" that is used in candy boxes, cartoons,
tattoos and the signatures of women named "Brandi." By way of proof, Dr. Hanan
sent a medical diagram of a human heart; it looks like a member of the mollusk
family. Right next to this diagram, for comparison purposes, Dr. Hanan -- who
notes, "I am a medical doctor, and therefore more than qualified to comment on
such matters" -- has drawn a standard valentine "heart" and written "I DON'T
THINK SO!"

And that is not all. Dr. Hanan has also reviewed the medical literature to see
if any human organ IS shaped like a valentine. He found one: It is the
prostate gland. He enclosed several prostate diagrams, and there can be no
medical doubt: It's a dead ringer.

This discovery has MAJOR implications, and not just for people who play bridge
("I bid three prostates"). It also means that there are thousands, perhaps
millions, of hairy men walking around with the word "Mom" tattooed on a
picture of a prostate gland. But the biggest impact has to be on the
greeting-card industry, which I imagine will have to recall the billions of
prostate cards it has sold over the years.

In an effort to gauge the extent of this crisis, I called the Hallmark
greeting-card company, which is located in Missouri (also known as "Kansas").
I spoke with spokesperson Allison Novela and told her about the heart/prostate
situation. She checked into it, and, a short while later, she called back to
read this statement, which I am not making up:

"The doctor is correct about the shape of the human heart. However, Hallmark
decided to sacrifice accuracy for sales after the poor performance of the
following verse:

Valentine, I'd follow you clear 'cross state,

For you to hold the key to my prostate."

So that settles that. All that remains to be done now is for whoever is in
charge of these things to send Dr. Hanan his Nobel Prize and a large cash
award. Speaking of which, I have this important announcement for those nations
that have not yet paid off their World War I debts to the United States: It's
NOT too late! Send the money to me, and I assure you that will be the end of it.