Conference hydra::dave_barry

1034.0. "TV Commercials Survey, Part 1" by ORION::chayna.zko.dec.com::tamara::eppes (Nina Eppes) Tue Feb 11 1997 15:47

Dave Barry
February 2, 1997

Whew! Do I have a headache! I think I'll take an Extra Strength Bufferin Advil
Tylenol with proven cavity fighters, containing more of the lemon-freshened
Borax and plaque fighters for those days when I am feeling "not so fresh" in
my personal region!

The reason I'm feeling this way is that I have just spent six straight days
going through the thousands of letters you readers sent in when I asked you to
tell me which advertisements you don't like. It turns out that a lot of you
really, REALLY hate certain advertisements, to the point where you fantasize
about acts of violence. For example, quite a few people expressed a desire to
kill the stuffed bear in the Snuggle fabric-softener commercial. "Die, Snuggle
Bear! Die!" is how several put it.

Likewise there was a great deal of hostility expressed, often by older
readers, toward the relentlessly cheerful older couples depicted in the
competing commercials for Ensure and Sustacal. These commercials strongly
suggest that if you drink these products, you will feel "young," which, in
these commercials, means "stupid." People were particularly offended by the
commercial where the couple actually drinks a toast with Ensure. As Jamie
Hagedorn described it: "One says, `To your health,' and the other says, `Uh-uh
-- to OUR health,' and then for some reason they laugh like ninnies. I want to
hit them both over the head with a hammer."

Some other commercial personalities who aroused great hostility were Sally
Struthers; the little boy who lectures you incessantly about Welch's grape
juice; the young people in the Mentos commercials (as Rob Spore put it, "Don't
you think those kids should all be sent to military school?"); everybody in
all Calvin Klein commercials ("I am sure they are what hell is really like,"
observed Robert E. Waller); the little girl in the Shake 'N Bake commercial --
Southerners REALLY hate this little girl -- who, for what seemed like hundreds
of years, said "And I helped!" but pronounced it "An ah hayulpt!" (Louise
Sigmund, in a typically restrained response, wrote, "Your mother shakes
chickens in hell"); Kathie Lee Gifford (Shannon Saar wrote, "First person to
push Kathie Lee overboard gets an all-you-can-eat buffet!"); the smug man in
the Geritol commercial who said, "My wife, I think I'll keep her!" (the wife
smiled, but you just know that one day she will put Liquid Drano in his
Ensure); the bad actor pretending to be Dean Witter in the flagrantly fake
"old film" commercial that's supposed to make us want to trust them with our
money; the woman in the Pantene commercial who said "Please don't hate me
because I'm beautiful" (as many readers responded, "OK, how about if we just
hate you because you're obnoxious?");

Also they are none too fond of the giant Gen X dudes stomping all over the
Rocky Mountains in the Coors Light ads. (Matt Scott asks: "Will they step on
us if we don't buy their beer?" Scott McCullar asks: "What happens when they
get a full bladder?"

Also, many people would like Candice Bergen to just shut up about the stupid
dimes.

Also, I am pleased to report that I am not the only person who cannot stand
the sight of the Infiniti Snot -- you know, the guy with the dark clothes and
the accent, talking about Infiniti cars as though they were Renaissance art.
As Kathleen Schon, speaking for many, put it: "We hate him so much we wouldn't
buy one even if we could afford it, which we can't, but we wouldn't buy one
anyway."

Speaking of car commercials, here's a bulletin for the Nissan people: Nobody
likes the creepy old man, OK? Everybody is afraid when the little boy winds up
alone in the barn with him. This ad campaign does not make us want to purchase
a Nissan. It makes us want to notify the police. Thank you.

And listen, Chevrolet: People didn't mind the first 389 million times they
heard Bob Seger wail "Like a rock!" But it's getting old. And some people wish
to know what "genuine Chevrolet" means. As Don Charleston put it, "I intended
to buy a genuine Chevy but I couldn't tell the difference between the
`genuine' and all those counterfeit Chevys out there, so I bought a Ford."

But the car-related ads that people hate the most, judging from my survey, are
the dealership commercials in which the announcer SHOUTS AT YOU AS THOUGH YOU
ARE AN IDIOT and then, in the last three seconds of the ad reads, in very
muted tones, what sounds like the entire U.S. tax code. Hundreds and hundreds
of people wrote to say they hate these commercials. I should note that one
person defended them: His name is George Chapogas, and he is in -- of all
things -- the advertising business. Perhaps by examining this actual excerpt
from his letter, we can appreciate the thinking behind the shouting ads:

"I write, produce and VOICE those ads. Make a damn good living doing it, too.
Maybe more than you even. And would you like to know why? Because they move
metal buddy."

Thanks, George! I understand now.

Well, I'm out of space. Tune in next week, and I'll tell you which commercial
the readers hated the most; I'll also discuss repulsive bodily functions in
detail. Be sure to read it! You'll lose weight without dieting, have whiter
teeth in two weeks by actually growing your own hair on itching, flaking skin
as your family enjoys this delicious meal in only minutes without getting
soggy in milk! Although your mileage may vary. Ask a doctor! Or somebody who
plays one on TV.