Conference 7.286::sports_90

    Think I'll have JR reply to this note, since he looks most like
    ya and will do the Hornets the least damage by sitting in the press
    box!
    
    ;-)
    

    Oh my God, I must have been a very bad boy during my life.   Was I
    in an accident or something ???  Somebody please check today's
    obituaries and see if I'm in there.
    
           *** Because this must be what HELL is like ***
    
    A actual contest to win a ticket to see the Holy Green Sweat Socks
    and, to enter, I need to write an essay praising the virtues of
    the North Carolina Tar Heels and their coach, ol' Reverend
    One-Title Dean Smif' hisself.
    
    Okay, God, please give me one more chance.  I promise no more
    curse words, no more skipping church to see the Eagles pre-game
    show, no more making change out of the collection plate, and I'll
    make sure to get a plastic Jesus for my dashboard.
    
    Puh-puh-please, God ???   This is really cruel stuff.
    
    Bob "I'm A Sinner No Mo'" Hunt

    Much as I'd like to, after the way the Heels have treated my alma
    mater on the field or court of athletic combat in the past and after
    the cowardly way the Rev Smif had his boys lose to Colorado State
    to avoid the Minutemen in the finals of the Mile High Classic, I
    can't think of enough good things to say about North Carolina or
    JR Reid to possibly win this contest.
    
    John

    Well, I won't degrade myself by lying about UNC, but I sure would like
    that ticket, so here are the pertinent facts:
    
    1. I live in Winchester, Mass. about six miles from Boston garden.
    2. My first name is Chris, that ought to be worth something.
    3. I am a Ga. Tech grad and FANatic.
    4. I am an ACC fan.
    5. I don't love but respect Dean Smith (read note 82.654 in the old
       Sports Conf. for proof.)
    6. JR Reid is a very good, but not great basketball player (Mark Price
       is better)
    7. I would like to see UNC come in second in the ACC every year, to GT
       of course.
    8. We agree on at least one thing; Anderson, Scott, and Oliver give GT
       the best perimeter team in the country.
    9. UNC and GT will meet in March (or is it April) 1991 for the national
       championship. Naturally, with Geiger eligible next year, Tech will
       be awesome and win.
    
    Chris

    
    	Two good things about North Carolina:
    
    	1.Michael Jordan
    	2.James Worthy
    
    sean :)      
    

    Official contest entry
    ===============================
    Carolina's OK, I drove through it oncet.  JR Reid can stack
    a whole slew of china plates on his butt.  Even more than MrT
    can.
    
    Charlie
    ===============================
    Ooooh, I think I'm gonna win it, I do, I do!!!
    
    

re: .5
Item 2 is hotly debated so you may want to rethink this one.

I know that I'm not eligible being neither in the Boston area nor a Tar
Heel fan, but here's what I like about UNC and JR.

o If I were drafting for Charlotte, Nazz would have still had to cough
	up the ticket.

o UNC's basketball team is better than UNC's football team, I think.

TTom

[Flatt and Scruggs good-time, bluegrass, North Carolina pickin intro]

[Chainsaw, dressed in Carolina Blue, sings (to the tune of Beverly
 Hillbillies:]

Well now listen to ma story bout a man named A.C.C,
he's got some Celtics tickets that he's gonna give to me,
All I gots to do is come up with a verse or two or three,
about the Rev Smif', JR, and Southern hospitality.

(Celtics tix, press box seat)

Now I don't know a damn thing about the NC game,
I heard the Dean Smith stories, and some I think  are lame,
but I do know that the team is Blue and when they play at home,
they're in this place that's named for Dean, and it's called a Dome.

(Huge place, not Olympus though)

Now lemme tell ya something all about that guy named JR,
No, not the one from Dallas, and he doesn't smoke cigars,
He's got a butt so big some say that on it plates could stack,
but at least he made his NBA team and didn't die from smoking crack...

(#5 Draft choice, sorry celts fans)

So now my story's over, at least it seems to me,
I really shoulda put something in about ACC and MrT
but to get the Celtics tickets is my shining brilliant goal,
and to talk about that GREAT DEBATE would just be a rat hole...

(Tix are mine, address to follow...)

[Flatt and Scruggs pick on while screen fades to black...]

	Out of the land of Tobacco Roads myth,
	Came a coaching legend by the name of Dean Smith.

	A downtrodden program with rubes and hicks,
	Dean molded a training ground for NBA picks.

	With hard work, brains and unlimited zeal,
	He built the tradition of the mighty Tar Heels.

	A coaching genius with none as his peer,
	UNC dominates the ACC year after year.

	The NCAA Tourney is a crapshoot at best,
	And in no way a coach's ability does test.

	To annually dominate the best conference in the land,
	Is a truer, fairer measure of a coach's command.

	So here's to the Tar Heels and their amazing coach,
	An unbeatable program that is above reproach.

	The envy of many, the scorn of a misguided few,
	Three cheers for the mighty North Carolina Blue!

    				/Don

Gee /Don, what a pee-pee-smootcher song.....

I could almost heard Jimmy Dean in the background singing
"Big Bad Dean"


heh heh heh,
Chainsaw

    	Hey Frank, I've always loved the Tar Heels and Dean Smith.
    
    				/Don

In the South there's a legend named Dean...
Who's an awesome coaching machine...
With JR's shootin'...
And Chris Knorr's rootin...
Carolina wins were routine.
                                               Sincerely,
                                               Denny

        Frank, you live outta state.  You're out.
     
        One ticket, press box seat?, vs. the Hornets? ha ha...  
        Maybe whomever wins can trade up for two decent seats to
        see the Bruins.  Then give me a call.  

    One ticket?  *One* ticket?!!!  To sit in the press box and rub elbows
    with a bunch of IBM PCs?  I even considered biting my tongue and saying
    something nice about Dean and JR, but not for ONE ticket.  Besides,
    I'll be sitting in the loge 2 days earlier when the Knicks come to
    town.
    
    					Steve

    
    I flew over the Carolinas once and it sorta looked nice and pretty
    in a green sorta way.
    
    Uh...I guess that should do it.
    
    -Dick
    

    Actually, it's neither one nor a ticket.  It's two press box passes.
    
    With free admission to the JR plate-stacking-on-my-butt contest after
    the game.
    
    Chris asked to to confirm that what he said in the base note is true.
    All that is true is the first paragraph of this note.
    
    Nuff said
    
    NAZZ

   re: It's amazing how low some people will go!
     Thanx Nazz! But I meant every word of it, really!
                                            Denny

    Gee, the best thing about NC is that it's far away.
    
    The worst thing about NC is that it isn't further away.
    
    Lee

    	I totally agree Nazz.  To see some people prostituting themselves
    like this is really a shame.  Myself, I've always idolized Dean
    Smith and the Tar Heels.  That's why I fight with MrT so much.
    
    				/Don

    /Don is a hooker!!!
    
    :*)
    
    Lee

    
    Now Chris, I've been sitting here for two hours and the only good
    things I can think of about Carolina are the people there, the air
    and the cost of living.
    
    I can't prostrate myself like others or make fancy ryhmes. I'll say
    this I went to Celtics games in 78 and 79 when they won 60 between
    the two season. When the rich, Oh I got to be seen at the game
    crowd didn't attend. I can't get tickets now though. As a basketball
    junkie yourself don't you think I's appreciate it more than the
    rest of the crowd???
    
    mike
    

       Hey! I can't git tickets either, but I'd like the opportunity
    to see a team from the fine state of North Carolina. It may not
    be the mighty Tar Heels, but at least they have JR!
                                      Denny

    	If I go I will wear my Charlotte Hornets hat.
    
    				/Don

       Ha! Won't work slasher, I got a 'heels hat AND sweatshirt!
                                    Denny

    HAHAHAHAHAHA(tm)!  
    
    Mike, how exactly would you prostrate yourself, if you were going to,
    that is......?
    
    :-)
    
    Hawk

    Go Hornets.  Kick some Holy Green Sweat Socks butt.
    
    Bob "Hornets Fan Since The Minute I Arrived" Hunt

    
    you know hawk the same way the folks around here get rate a #1 by
    their managers.....
    
    I think the K&G for it is Brown-nosing....
    
    ;^)
    
    mike
    

    Nice start boys, but there's still 15 days left to get yer entries in.
    Picking a winner will be tough, but I can assure you it will be done as
    Dean would - with the highest integrity.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    
    Let's see.... nice things I can say about ol Deano'
    
    1.  He's never killed anyone.....
    2.  He's allowed Indiana and other teams to beat him in the NCAA
        tournament.
    3.  He's never said anything bad about my mother...
    4.  He gave ACC Chris multiple orgasms when they shook hands last
        year.
    5.  He's allowed many of his star players to leave college early
        for the pros, so that he doesn't further stunt their growth
        as future pros.
    6.  He's been a classic role model for underachievers and those
        who will settle for 2nd best and 'good losses' all across this 
        great land of ours.
        
    A good thing to say about JR Reid, Hmmmmmmmm..........
    
    1.  He hasn't married Sid Fernandez's sister.  Can you imagine the
    	butt on their offspring?
    
    Well this should be the winning entry :-)
    
    Cap

    
    I heard Johnny Most live on the radio when Hondo stole the ball....
    
    I have Red's autograph and Johnny Most. My Dave Cowens future hall
    of famer poster still hangs in my bedroom at my parent's house....
    
    My favorite celtic player was Cedric Maxwell and he was from North
    Carolina....
    
    mike

    	Maxwell didn't play for UNC Mike, he played for UNCC.  Had he
    played for Dean Smith he would've had a better pro career.
    
    				/Don

    
    Slasher of course I know that but UNCC is in North Carolina so it
    atleast gave me a chance to slip North Carolina into the
    conversation...
    
    mike

    Hey Mikey,
    
    I don't know how to do cut'n paste on othe rnotes but I have ACC
    Chris's rules posted to my wall and here's a quote from them:
    
    "...Reply to this note with your most eloquent pro-Carolina
    sentiment..."                                  ------------
    						      ^
         		                              |
    
    
    
    Therefore, I think your reference to Cedric can qualify!
    Sorry Slasher.......
    
    
    Kev_OW(tm)
    

    
    Ahem....
    
    Excuse me ACC Chris but methinks you are misleading us.
    
    According to your contest rules, the prizewinner will go
    to the February 2 game of the Celtics vs. Charlotte. Right?
    
    
    
    Accoding to my "Official Miller Lite Boston Celtics 1989-1990
    Schedule", The Celtics are scheduled to be in Minnysoda playing
    the Wolves on that date.
    
    <scratching head ON>
    
    Hmmmmmmmm????????
    
    <scratching head OFF>
    
    maybe I don't wanna enter, unless you're picking up the travel
    and accomodations tap too?
    
    HTH,
    
    Kev_OW(tm)

    	My guess is that Chris meant the 7th.
    
    				/Don

    Slasher,
    Can ya be SURE????  
    
    Can ya imagine ACCC... sending a ticket to "T" since
    the 2/2 game is in his location?
    
    ????????
    

       Chris is too fine an upstanding gentleman to mislead us. This
    can't be anything more than an honest mistake on his part.
                                     Denny

    Denny,
    
    Can your remark be construed as a penicular appendage
    sipping discretely bribe????
    
    ;^)
    
    Kev_OW(tm)
    

Re Karen:

So what if I'm outta state?  I can be in Boston in 1:45, or 1:30 if
I'm in a hurry....


Re Chainsaw The Craven Panderer:

Nah, just having some fun.  I'll write a song for almost any occasion,
and this seemed like a good one....and if you really notice, I didn't
prostititue myself like that pee-pee-smoocher /Don did.  I was more
or less objective...(I thought)

Gee, I guess, for equal time I'll have to write one for Indiana....
Okay, when I get back from Vacation, I'll enter my Indiana song (which
should be easy, cause I like them...)


I'll bet /Don has North Carolina underwear on today!

Chainsaw

The /Don Craven Pandering Caroline Blue Pee-Pee-Smooching Do It Yourself
Workout Video...

available on Home Shopping Channels everywhere.....;^)


Chainsaw

      Jist fightin' for troof an justice Kev!
                                                    Denny

    The Jihad is doing some *serious* ankle-grabbing huh ?     
    
    JR Reid ? Something good to say about him ?
    
    the haircut ? Nah, it's really f***ed up.
    
    The inside game ? It sips.
    
    His chances of playing in the All-Star game ?
    
    Slim and none.
    
    Oh well, I guess I struck out. Darn .... :-)
    
    Oh yeah, and Deam Smif' isn't have the coach that John Thompson
    is .....
    
    And that's a fact !
    
    DrM

       Don't take any of this guff /Don, go git 'em. Dock knows the
    only thing Thompson has over Dean is his height.
                                            Denny

    
    Slasher, Slasher, Slasher.....
    
    In the [sic] immortal woids of Confucious
    
    "The superior man deplores violence while the INFERIOR
    man thrives on it"
    
    Now that we have established which one you are,[;*)
    
    I only asked if it could be construed.  I didn't actually
    call you a pee-pee smooching penicular appendage discretely
    sipping person.
    
    many, many ;^)
    
    Kev_OW(tm)
    

    
    	Uhhhh ....
    
    	heard there was a competition in town
    	to see 'em damn celts go down
    	a finer sight, there could'nt be
    	than JR's butt all over 'em green
    
    	and I ai'nt  no raving hornet's fan
    	but here's to Dean Smith's main man
    	Mike is the name and air is his claim,
    	
    	Uhhhh....
    	
    	JR's his name, but() what's his claim,
    	Damned if I know, 'cause I ai'nt sane
    
    	Do I win ? Do I win ?
    
    	/Confusedcious 
    	 

    Some clarifications/explanations are in order here.
    
    First, sorry for the mix-up in dates.  No, I wasn't trying to draw MrT
    out.  You don't have to be clever for that.  For all intensive purposes he
    *has* been drawn out, but the convicted felon is trying to cop a
    plea and I'm not budging.  Hence his ghost-like one-liners as opposed
    to his former War & Peace diatribes.  (Mr.Moderators, feel free to send 
    me thank mail.)
    
    Anyway, if it's 2/7 for game day, so be it.  Mark your calendars.  I'll
    still be picking a winner on 1/26 at noon though.  Also I hope everyone
    noticed that the pot has actually been sweetened.  It's not just one
    seat, but TWO!  In the Press Box!!   In the unlikely event my formula
    for determining a winner results in a tie (FYI - this complex equation
    is actally a derivative of the BobHunt 64-Point Must System (tm)) I 
    suppose 1 ticket could be awarded to each winner.  But we all know a
    tie never happens in College Basketball and it's like kissing your
    sister anyway, so I don't envision that happening.
    
    A couple more things.  Mr.Farley was technically correct in pointing
    out I said "pro-Carolina", which could imply anything having to do with
    the state of North Carolina, or even South Carolina.  (Shudders run up
    and down my spine when I think of the possibilities here.)  The SPIRIT
    of the rule, however, clearly indicates this is not the case.  As such,
    I'm looking for pro-University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill flatery
    ONLY!
    
    Finally, the issue of Mr.Way's eligibility must be clarified, since he
    certainly has a bona-fide entry in the contest.  (I'd hold off on that
    IU song for awhile though if I were you 1Way.  It might cloud my
    judgement.)  I stated "Boston area" in the contest rules, and I'd
    consider Connecticut to fit that definition.  As long as a contestant
    is confident they can get to the game, they're eligible as far as
    I'm concerned.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    

re the IU Song, and picking up my prize...

See, I said I'd wait until after my vacation.  As a Libra (you know
scales, diplomacy and all) I feel compelled to give equal time.

But, since my vacation won't end until after the winner is announced,
I've no fear of biasing the Judge 'gainst me.

Now, do you need to be present to win.  On Friday, 1/26 I'll be
enjoying myself in the Seattle area, drinking some Ballard Bitter and
probably eating salmon..., thus I won't be here, breathlessly waiting
in front of my terminal to find out when I'll receive my tickets.

And to Karen:   "Nyah, nyah, nyah ;^)"

Chainsaw

    You don't have to be present to win.  However you're competing against
    some pretty solid competition, and there's still plenty of time left
    before selection day.  I've also got a sneeky feeling there's some 
    clever folk out there who are racking their brains for "just the right 
    note".  
    
    I feel bad about limiting the competition to Boston-area, since I
    know there are tons of other people dying to enter.  So I'll tell ya what. 
    If you can't go to the game but want to reply anyway, I'll consider
    your note in the contest.  Your reward will have to be just the
    knowledge of your victory, since I'll have to give the Celtics tickets
    to the highest finisher in the Boston-area.
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    RE: My detractors
    
    		See ya after school!

>>< Note 110.59 by AXIS::ROBICHAUD "Pee Pee Smoocher of the 90's" >
>>
>>
>>   RE: My detractors
>>    
>>    		See ya after school!


Tsk, tsk, tsk....

Guess we can throw the /Don Non-Violent Way to Solve Your Problems Video
right out the window...




RE ACC and Chainsaw's Cockiness...

	Heck, if I don't win, it'll be somewhat akin to the Lennid-Hearns
	fight... ;^)   

	Rim-job (haw haw haw haw)



It's the drugs, honestly,
Chainsaw

       Chris you could always send the non-Boston area winner a much
    coveted UNC T-shirt! The entries would FLOOD in!
                                       Denny

    By the way, for those who've entered, don't assume 1Way's in the lead
    right now.  I haven't put the entered notes up against "The Formula"
    yet, so even I don't know who's winning!  (Isn't this exciting!!)
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    Not a bad idea Denny.  Actually what I could do is send the winner the
    T-shirt my Westboro buddies gave me when I left for the south.  (I'll
    have to let somebody who was there explain - it's too discusting for me
    to repeat.)
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    re:  2 passes
    
    Is tag-teaming allowed?
    
    Hawk  (1/2 of Birds of Prey, retired)

    I do need a new rag to wipe the bird sh*t off my window, so send
    me that Carolina t-shirt.
    
    Interesting to note that there are more entries in this note that
    say they don't want to participate than those that do.  Nice to
    see there's still some integtrity and self-esteem left in the
    world (no, not you /Don).
    
    NAZZ

    > Is tag-teaming allowed?
    
    Hmmm.  That's a tough one.  It wouldn't be fair to allow 2 entries
    to count toward a win, but I see no reason why you couldn't combine
    on a single entry, as long as it doesn't take the form of looking
    like 2 seperate notes.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    Sorry Nazz, but even you have to enter to win the T-shirt.  (Actually
    that should probably read *ESPECIALLY* you have to enter to win the
    T-shirt.  Heh heh!)
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    The T-Shirt Chris is offering is in Indiana Red with an IU logo
    on the front.  On the back is written "#1 Bobby Knight Fan Club"
    in big white letters.  I liked it but I'm surprised Chris hasn't
    burned it yet.
    
    John

    Nope, the T-shirt exists.  It's actually stashed in my daughters room
    in the event she has another one of those "accidents".
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    3D, Doug?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA(tm)!
    
    :-)
    
    Hawk

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

I haven't been to a Celtics game in a couple years.  And the last
time I sat "up close and personal", DJ was playing for the Suns!!!
It was a snowy night and a friend and I sat front row, center court
before the game to watch the pre-game high school game {Maynard 
against somebody}.  Nobody ever showed up to claim the seats. I
got to count DJ's freckles.

I promise if I win that I will dump a beer "accidently" on Dan
Shaughnessy's head.  :-)  

>>I haven't been to a Celtics game in a couple years.  And the last
>>time I sat "up close and personal", DJ was playing for the Suns!!!
>>It was a snowy night and a friend and I sat front row, center court
>>before the game to watch the pre-game high school game {Maynard 
>>against somebody}.  Nobody ever showed up to claim the seats. I
>>got to count DJ's freckles.

  Doug, I was at that game. Maynard played Hudson I believe Jan 79.
  I remember trying to get Rick Robey's john Hancock and he blew me
  off.

Chuck

    Oh Doug, all you had to do was ask me for some tickets.  To grovel
    like that is disgustingly pathetic.
    
    NAZZ

    Well, I throw in the towell on being imaginative, witty, and cute,
    however.........
    
    ACChris, you are a family man, aren't you?  Well, you see, my daughter,
    an avid basketball fan who's favorite color is blue, who just
    yesterday turned 9 years old, has never seen a professional basketball
    game live.  Not that I wouldn't take her- I would if I could but I
    ain't got the dough (non-technoweenies don't make much).  And she
    really, really would love to go to the Garden and see a game, any game. 
    And you, ACChris, could be responsible for getting this adorable little
    kid there!  Imagine how happy she'll be sitting up there in that press
    box!  Imagine how good you'll feel because you fulfilled a kid's dream,
    her birthday wish, actually!  And, I'll even send you a picture of her
    in J.R.'s arms after the game, standing on the parquet being
    interviewed for having been chosen the Player of the Game!  Wouldn't
    that make you absolutely feel good?
    
    Have a heart ACChris, and present my daughter and me with those 2
    passes.  Your life will be richer, and this good deed will make you a
    happy man forever.  Think about it, and do the right thing!
    
    God bless you, ACChris, and God bless Dean and all he stands for!
    
    Sincerely,
    Hawk

    BTW, Nazz, those passes that you would've easily given to Doug, well,
    what are you going to do with them now?  Wanna make a kid and her old
    man real, real happy?  :-)
    
    Hawk

    I FEEL CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS
    

    Reid ain't half the man he was in Carolina blue....
    
    Do I win?
    
    -Walt

    My turn.
    
    This may sound similar to a couple back but you see I have a 10 year
    old son who has never been to a professional basketball game. Actually
    the last time I was at the Garden, Cowens was playing!
    
    Why should I get to take my son to the game (compliments of ACChris)?
    
    We actually stopped for gas twice in North Carolina.
    
    My son met Dick Harter twice, last 2 years at Nelson/Sanders camp.
    Even got his picture taken with him!
    
    My son has a limited edition Charlotte Hornets t-shirt (thanks to Tom
    Haas) He also has a Hornets Media Guide ('88-'89) signed by Dick
    Harter. Did I mention the bumper sticker? (Tom will vouch that we're
    Hornets fans, right?)
    
    When I read a few notes back about the discrepancy of the date for the
    game, I pulled out my pocket sized Hornets schedule (WCCB TV18 WBT 1110
    AM) out of my wallet to see for myself.
    
    As I sit here groveling, my son is upstairs watching the Hornets play
    the Bulls on TV.
    
    Besides, if Connecticut is considered in the Boston area, so is
    Vermont! I'll be there!
    
    Kevin
    

    	You always know when a sitcom is in trouble because the writers
    bring a new kid on the show.  Conversely you know when a noter is
    in trouble in this contest because he brings his kid into it.  8^)
    Anyways Hawk told me if he won he was bringing someone named Marina
    to the game.  Who is this Marina anyway Hawk?
    
    				/Don

    Nice effort Doug.  If you don't win the contest you'll still get the
    nod for "Turnaround Noter of the Year".  (That "W" letter may come back
    to haunt ya though.  Dan Schneider, where AAAARRRREEEE YOUUUUUU???!!!!)
    
    Just want to remind all you non-Bostonians - get yer entries in!  A
    T-shirt will be the reward for the highest finish of anyone not
    eligible (due to location) for the press passes.  And I promise - this
    T-shirt will NOT disapoint!  
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    
    

    re .80
    
    I can vouch that Hawk's daughter is a little doll.  Julie is a cute
    kid who does love basketball.  I've met her, and seen how she follows
    the game which she so loves.  She is also intelligent and witty,
    traits which she obviously inherited from her Mommy, along with
    her beauty and grace.
    
    But, I can't condone the blathering and begging that her father
    is displaying in here.  Why, Julie would just be sooooo ashamed
    of her daddy if she were to witness his pitiful and pathetic pandering
    for tickets to a non-game.  Hawk, you are utterly contemptable!!
    
    Now, being the nice guy that I am, I believe that Julie should get
    to see the game.  She should NOT be punished simply because her
    daddy is a whiney, classless charity-seeking noter.  Sooooooooooooo,
    as much as I would rather not witness a game with a team from that
    sorry state, I hereby volunteer to take Julie to the game, should
    she be selected as the winner!  No applause, please.  Just send
    some strengthening words of encouragement to Hawk, who, if he doesn't
    straighten out his act, will soon be known as Chicken.

    Lee (that's what friends are for)
    

    
    
    	here's my shot Chris....
    
    Top Ten Reasons why I should go......
    
    1. Big hoops fan
    2. Sat next to Chris for about a year
    3. Always had an available copy of USA Today available for Chris
       to check up on the college hoops.
    4. Never said a bad thing about North Carolina
    5. Never said a bad thing about Dean Smith
    6. Never said a bad thing about J.R.
    7. Always do a NEXT/UNSEEN on T notes
    8. Hired Chris as my consultant when drafting my Rotiss hoop team
    9. Drafted J.R. on said team and have refused all trade offers
    10. I'm a nice guy...:-{)
    
    
    				ACC_Bob
    

    
    
    	Opps...forgot the P-name....
    

Actually, I think this topic should be ToTY (Topic of the Year).

I've had more fun reading the 90+ replies to this, including /Don's
pee-pee-smooching, Hawk's Craven Panderings, MrT's Thersites-like
asides into the fray (T, the Judas p-name had me ROOLLLING), and
all the other stuff.

I don't really care if I win those blasted tix or not, since I've
had enough reward reading these replies.  (Besides, we all know that
my only real competition in the song arena is my most respected rival,
Dan S ...)

Anyway, I'm promising equal time to IU, in a soon to be released
Top 10 hit (after my vacation)....

T, and all other Bob Knight fans will not be disappointed...

later party commandos...
Chainsaw

    Whew, after reading Dan's reply, it's obvious that the "I"'s have
    it!  
    
    Dan, how's your arm this morning, after all that self back-patting?
    Geez, you're a MUCH better panderer than Chicken, errr, Hawk!
    
    Here's my "concession speech"- "Try our hotdogs, we got giant pretzles,
    our burgers are better, get a cold Coke right here".  How's that?

    Lee  :*)

       Whattid I tell ya /Don!
                                            Denny

    	Right on the money Denny!  Dan's pretty easy to figure out,
    ain't he?
    
    				/Don

    Simple answer, I would like to go...
    
          REK

Okay.  Even though Dan has violently disappointed me (I thought he'd
write a song, instead he put in something about as interesting to
read as an essay from Newsweek) I have to do this:


	/Don, you *WERE* the pee-pee-smoocher of the 90's...

The new title goes to Dan.

	Dan, Pee-Pee-Smoocher Extraordinaire of the New Decade.


BTW, Dan, Absorbine Jr, and a stiff regimen of physical therapy will
return your arm to normal.  But remember, God didn't design it to
bend that way so much....

8^),
Chainsaw

Uh, Dan... the line limit was supposed to be 48.  You OT'd by 
35.... Maybe if you go back and delete the words "I", "me", and "mine"
you can get it down to 6 or 7 lines of your best James Worthy dribblings.

    Wow.  My "Sincerity" metric just shot off the scale, not to mention
    my "Incite to Passion".  Couldn't have asked for a better note to get
    me geared up for the dreaded Dukesters tonight.
    
    Formidable competion gentlemen.  Formidable. 
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    The "48-line Must Rule" was a suggestion, not a requirement.  When a
    note drips Carolina Blue like Dan's, feel free to continue until disk
    space is exhausted.
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    So, Dan, who're you going to axe to go to the game with you?
    
    Buzzard

	o 1972 Olympic Basketball Refs
	o Clemsuck(tm) Refs
	o 1989 NFL Refs regarding replay
	o ACC Chris

    Not true 1Way.  Here's the exact wording taken from .0:
    
    "Try to keep them within a couple of screens (48 lines) at most."
    
    Notice the word "Try".  I don't want to speak for Dan but I'm willing
    to bet he really *did* try.  But when you're truly passionate on a
    subject, sometimes you just can't help yourself.
    
    Fear not though, this contest ain't over yet.  First of all, there's
    still 10 more days left for people to enter.  Secondly, while Dan's
    note moved me greatly on a couple of counts, it hardly budged the gauge
    on the "Humor" or "Originality" metric.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    	Schneider's a phony!  And he'll drink all of your expensive
    Samuel Adams beer too!  And he starts trouble at Giants games!
    
    				/Don

Fix, fix, fix....

First we had Watergate.  Then we had ContraGate, Now we have 
SPORTSgate.

I can see it now:

	Sen. X, (R) Conn. :  Mr Knorr, did you or did you not willing
			     accept bribes, favors, adulation, from
			     Daniel R. Schneider, the notorious
			     troublemaker at Giants games?

	ACC Chris 	  :  I'll take the 5th on that, sir.

	Sen X,		  :  Mr. Schneider, did you, or did you not
			     willingly, and with malic aforethought,
			     go around placing Jets bumperstickers
			     on cars, and peoples material belongings
			     at the Giants game on Aug 26, 1989?

	Dan		  :  "I'm a little teapot - J - E - T - S..."


Oh yeah, I can see it now...

    re .100
    
    Ha ha , nice shot on Dan with that!  Ha ha ha.
    
    Dan, Dan, the pee pee man.  Kinda has a nice right to it, huh? :*)
    
    Hawk, you wouldn't want to go with Dan to this game, and he won't
    take you because he wouldn't want any witnesses seeing him going
    gaga over Larry.  Why, I bet he'll try to soak up some sweat spots
    that he thinks are Larry's.  
    
    God, this could be downright ugly to see.  A champion panderer,
    reduced to a blubbering, quaking hero-worshiper!
    
    Lee

    Youse guys is killin' me!
    
    Buzzard

Dan, 1989:

	I'm a little teapot, J E T S....

Dan, 1990:

	Smooch a little pee pee, GO DEAN GO!

    Let's leave the government outa this 1Way.  Don't want to stir up any
    trouble between me and my #1 ally.  Plus I'm sure Dan doesn't want to
    start talking politics with me, at least until *after* I've selected 
    my Champeeen.  
    
    (Anyway your logic is bogus cause Dan bought me those fine brews
    months before this ingenious contest was even a vague thought in
    my head.  So there.)
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

I only hope you will go back and re-read all entries when the time comes.
With the contest spread over two weeks, someone might put an entry in
late next week that might be fresher in your mind.

Did you know that if UNC wins tonight, they will tie Kentucky for all
time wins?   Go UNC, what a team!   

       What do ya mean 'if' Doug? Of course they'll win tonight!
                                        Denny

re .111:

ACC, first off, I'm not cravenly pandering, since my "song" wasn't
totally a suck-up to ACC Chris UNC song.

I thought it was witty, but that's about it.

I'm not really sure about the brews.  I don't think I mentioned those ;^)

And re the IU song.  I will put it in here (and no matter what I say
in the song, half of the noters in the GREAT IU/NC debate will think
I'm pandaring 8^)) but I won't have time before my vacation.


But, since I leave tomorrow night, I'll be waiting with bated breath
to see who wins....

Chainsaw

PS  I kind of liked SPORTSgate...it had a nice ring to it 8^)

I'm sorry, I haven't had time to defend myself from this defamation of
my character after my brilliant appeal for the press passes.  I was 
sending Chris Knorr some important *career related* information
that has *absolutely nothing* to do with this excellent contest.

Back later.

Dan

    
    
    	looks like Dan Sucked up and Ran again...
    

    I can assure you Mr.Ross that I will indeed be going back and
    re-reading *all* entries.  No stone will be left unturned, no note
    unread.  All will be put against my 64-Point Must System (tm)
    which, as I've stated, is closely guarded, lest anyone identify where
    my weak points are.  (Unfortunately for the rest of you, Schneid has an
    inside track in this area, having unlocked my passion chest with a few
    brews.  Fortunately for all of you though, his note was hastily written
    and possibly not the best possible effort he could've mustered.  So
    you're all alive and kickin'.)
    
    Frank, you're a panderer and you know it!  How can I hope to judge your
    admittedly formidable note fairly knowing you're gonna jump ship on me?
    [not easily]
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    There is no truth to the rumor that Dan Sch and Dan Fielding of
    the TV show Nightcourt are the same person and have the same goals.
    
             REK
    
    PS Do you now what ACC really means?
    
    A
    Credited
    College

Sung to the tune of....aw, figure it out.

Somewhere, over the parquet,
Way up high,
There's two seats in a pressbox,
Waiting for this special guy.

Where the Globe and Herald mince their words
And bend o'er backwards to praise Bird
Is where I'll be.

Where Johnny Most just rants and raves
Where green fans toast this masquerade
Is where you'll find me.

Oh, somewhere, over the parquet,
Where banners hang,
There's some seats that I should have
To see the Celtics clang.

Dan

    FOUL! FOYL! FOUL!
    Only ONE entry permitted according to the rules!!! This is blatant
    cheating! We should demand Dan's immediate disqualification!!
                                             Denny

    re:.113
       Whattid I tell ya! Duke goes down! BIGTIME!
                                       Denny

re .117:

ACC, I'm not going to jump ship.  In the tradition of great Libras 
everywhere, I believe in equal time...(Libras make great negotiation
mediators too...)

So, just because I'm going to do a song for IU doesn't mean I'm jumping
ship.  I mean, I want the tickets just as much as the next guy.
Probably the only teams I wouldn't ever do a song for would be the
Broncos or the hapless Cowboys... ;^)

So, judge it just a fairly as you would the hapless drivel turned out
by Dan....


re Dan:

Dan, you cheat soooooo bad and you know it.  First an essay, then
a song.  Next, you'll probably have a girly-mon cheer in here too.


Chainsaw

PS  This topic is the most fun I've had in here in *ages*!!!!!

    Did I read Dan's song right?  He wants to be somewhere bending over
    near Larry Bird?   Or did I read that too quickly?

I'm amazed that Dan has gone to such great lengths to procure a pair of

CELTICS

tickets. Might he actually be another member of the Holy Green Jihad that wishes
to come out of the closet ? Is Dan actually a Celtic fan ?

I think this is a job for Bruce Woodward.....



Metz

I think this puts Dan at the top of the all-time Craven Panderer
list.  

Two entries for the Celts tix, alluding to wanting to be near Larry Bird,
wanting something to do with CLANG (Lord only knows WHAT absurd
and unusual practices *that* acronym means....)

Next thing you know, cats and dogs living together, mass-steria..


'Saw

    
    
    	IF a few people in CXO can convince their bosses that they need
    a DECwindows course taught, and request Dan the Man (tm), oh yeah
    and request that course the first week of Febuary...that just may
    knock Dan out of the running....as Chris did say the person has
    to be in this area that week to qualify......:-), but then again
    which is worst Dan winning the tickets or having to convince your
    boss that Dan is ** THAT GOOD **
    
    
    				RIF
    

    
    
    	Clang (tm) is a Jersey term for a mixture of Clorine and Tang...
    	.....Dan usually drinks a glass of it before discussing Wade
    	Boggs or Park effects.....
    

    Re: .125
    
    'Saw
    
    CLANG was also a character on BOZO the Clown, a kiddie's show on
    TV in the Boston area during the early 60's. Kind of resembled 
    the Tin Man on the Wizard of Oz.
    
    Dan wanted to do WHAT with CLANG?:)
    
    Kevin
    

    No, it was Clank, the Tin Can Man.  I know my Bozos.
    
    John

    re .127
    
    Ha ha ha, just love that Clorine and Tang combo for Clang!!!  :*)
    
    Lee

================================================================================
Note 110.130            Celtics Ticket Giveaway Contest!              130 of 131
FSHQA2::JHENDRY "John Hendry, DTN 292-2170"           3 lines  18-JAN-1990 11:42
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    No, it was Clank, the Tin Can Man.  I know my Bozos.
                                        ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    John

	Gee John, after all those years of working for the Patriots I guess
you would!  8^)

				/Don

    Clang, Clank, I still think Dan owes an explanation on what his
    intentions were!
    
    This game is a scheduled televised game (in Charlotte). Do we trust
    that Dan will represent Digital (at least SPORTS) in a manner that we
    can be proud of?!
    
    If Dan is declared the winner, it seems evident and appropriate that
    WCCB be notified so that they are aware of his (potential) behavior
    and can plan camera coverage accordingly.
    
    Do we want this to turn into another Geraldo episode?!:)
    
    Kevin

       Dan caint win. He CHEATED!!! Carolina fans would NEVER stand
    for that, right Chris?
                                      Denny

    
    
    	I agree....If Chris choses Dan, then Chris condones Cheating,
    	and if that's so, then that leaves the door wide open for
    	a Mr. T ACC bashing....uuuummmmmm?
    

A Bozo Story:

	I was young, so I don't rightly remember if this happened on
	the Bozo show, or a local variation.

	Anyway, they were engaging in a game of ring toss on the show.
	At some point, presumably when the stakes for cookies got
	to double or nothing, this little kid made a toss and missed.

	"Shit!" exclaimed the youngster.

	"Oooh my!" said Bozo, "That'a a Bozo-no-no!"

	The little kid looked Bozo square in the eye and said:

	"Cram it, clownie!"

	Following the quick commericial break, the kid was no where to
	be found in the participants on stage.....

The moral?

	Don't let Dan win the f*&^*)*&%&$^&ing tickets, since I'm 
	sure he'll embarass us at least that much.  Remember, he
	has not yet explained his intentions with CLANG!

>     <<< Note 110.142 by HOTSHT::SCHNEIDER "Some folks trust in reason" >>>
>        -< Clang, as in the sound the rim makes when Larry Bird shoots >-

Dan, what's wrong with Magic Johnson?  He's shooting an all-time low
47%.  Sort of close to Bird, huh?  

Mabrick  Johnson  {tm}... I like the sound of that.

    
    Celtics
    Lover
    And
    Neophyte
    Green-worshipper
    
    -Dick
    
    

    
    
    	>> Clang is the sound the rim makes when Larry Bird shoots
    
    	Is that while your bending over Dan?
    

>Dan, what's wrong with Magic Johnson?  He's shooting an all-time low
>47%.  Sort of close to Bird, huh?  

Chris, do you see this?  Doug's trying to make fun of UNC's James Worthy's
teammate!  Yes, right here in the contest note.

Of course, you should be saying to yourself, anyone that can criticize Magic
Johnson and base it on shooting percentage to top it off, is no basketball
fan and unWorthy of any press passes.

Dan

    First, congratulations to Dean & Carolina for kicking the crap out of
    the dreaded Dukesters last night.  King Rice made highly touted Bobby
    Hurley look *sick*, and Deano coached circles around the frustrated and
    thoroughly embarrased Bobby Knight disciple.  45-21 at *halftime*! 
    That's humiliating.
    
    Now to clean up some dirty laundry.
    
    First is the issue of Dan & cheating.  Perfessor Schneider knows full
    well the rules of the contest.  He was only having a little fun yanking
    all you guys Green Chains is all.  I'll disregard his humorous song
    when picking my winner just like I'll disregard all the rest of the 
    pandering notes that have cropped up more times in this file than 
    MrT's hilarious conference rankings notes.
    
    Along these same lines was the possibility raised that Prof Schneid
    would somehow be ineligible cause he can't stand the C's.  HAH!  If
    anything he might get a few *bonus* points for this delicious irony. 
    Imagine tuning in the hideous Johnny Most and hearing some guy in the
    background screaming for the Hornets!  Awesome!!
    
    Finally, the possibility raised by Mr.Finizio that I might somehow make
    a surprise late appearance to the game and rightfully claim my tickets
    has a dramatic sound to it which appeals to me, but unfortunately it's
    out of the question.   Like some member of the 49ers will be saying in
    a week or so, ... "I'm Going to DisneyWorld!".  And so it is with me.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    ACC Chris, now that you admitted that you find MrT's notes entertaining
    and it sounds like you truly do miss his presence (get's boring
    debating with yourself, don't it), I think I cain try to persuade him
    back, or at least, find out what it'll take, that is, if I find 2
    Celtics passes coming my way........
    
    Hope this helps.
    
    Hawk

    A little clarification here Hawk.  First, if you bounce over to 25
    you'll find that, in fact, I have invited the ole war horse back.  A
    full pardon no less.
    
    But it has nothing to do with my "missing" him.  It's more the result
    of T's constant mail messages to me begging and pleading that I allow
    him back in, complete with his honor.  Now I'm a hardnosed Republican to
    be sure, but there's always a soft spot in my heart for the poor, the
    downtrodden, the unfortunate.  No matter how dispicable their crime. 
    Hence, my kind act.
    
    As to "humor", you misunderstand.  It was certainly not funny that MrT
    posted the same stupid note in about 10 different notes.  (Okay, maybe
    a little.)  It *was* VERY humorous that MrT suddenly jumped on the
    Objective bandwagon, after *years* of fighting exactly this kind of
    analysis.  Now THAT, my Hawkster friend, is FUNNY!!!!!
    
    Hah!!!!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    It's the most we cain expect from "a read only kinda guy"!
    
    TC

    Ah MrT.
    
    So glad to read your notes again.  I have tried to mend my past
    ways.  I've seen the error in my thoughts.  To battle with you,
    when I should have been allied.  My past was more like the Vichy,
    when I should have joined the resistance.  Viva La T!
    
    I cain only hope that I'll be able to do penance by helping to clear
    your good name - to ferret out those who beseech you - to once again
    have you note from the highest mount - with morality, with trust,
    with reason, and above all, with integrity and honesty.
    
    God Bless You MrT.
    
    JD

    Contest Update:
    ---------------
    
    As of today (Saturday, 1/20/90) there are a total of 22 bonafide
    entries.  Here's a current list of who's entered, along with their
    respective note:
    
    .2		HUNT
    .4 		REEVE
    .5		STROUT
    .6		PARTEE
    .7		HAAS
    .8		WAY
    .9		ROBICHAUD
    .12		RIEU
    .15		DHAMEL
    .16		GAULKE
    .19		TIMMONS
    .26,.38*	CHILDS  (You've got 2 entered. Which one do you want
    			 to use?  BTW - I'm still waiting on that
    			 little personal favor you were promising me...)
    .37		CAPPEL  
    .51		BROOKS
    .54		VENU
    .73		ROSS
    .80		SZABO
    .83		ASHE
    .84		GREENE_K
    .90		FINIZIO
    .94		SCHNEIDER
    .98		KING
    
    Entries will be accepted up until 12:00 noon (EST) on Friday 1/26/90.
    My winner will be announced over the course of the afternoon, in
    what I hope will be an emotionally charged and exciting event.
    
    Lastly, best of luck to the Heels this afternoon in Raleigh against
    hated rival NC State.    GO HEELS!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    
    nobody home last weekend. try again today when I get home.....
    
    mike

    First, congratulations to the Heels for a most impressive win over
    State.  Much maligned King Rice has now outplayed (in succession) 
    Crotty, Hurley, and Corchiani.  Dean has the boys playing like a Top 20
    club once again.
    
    All of this should come as *good news* for those who haven't entered
    the contest yet!  There's plenty of material to work with out there, so
    come on, get those entries in!!
    
    In order to stimulate the contest, I'm going to post my 64-Point Must
    System (tm).  In order to make it fair, no "Bonus Points" will be
    awarded to anyone from here in, to compensate for the edge they may
    receive from knowing the formula.  (Bonus points are exceptionally rare
    and somewhat arbitrary, though clues to getting some are readily
    apparent!)
    
    
    CONTEST FORMULA
    ---------------
    
    A maximum of 64 points are possible.  Categories include:
    
    
    SINCERITY (10 pts)
    HUMOR (10 pts)
    ORIGINALITY (10 pts)
    PRO-CAROLINA SENTIMENT (10 pts)
    EMOTION (10 pts)
    PRO-DEAN SENTIMENT (5 pts)
    PRO-JR SENTIMENT (5 pts)
    "BONUS" POINTS (4 pts)
    
    A perfect score would be 64 points.  Just to show the possibilities,
    the leader as of today has 49 points.  Some come on!  Enter today!! 
    The Press Box is waiting for you!!!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

================================================================================
Note 110.158            Celtics Ticket Giveaway Contest!              158 of 161
RHETT::KNORR "Carolina Blue"                         41 lines  20-JAN-1990 10:54
         -< Picking a winner and beating State today will be *tough*. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    .26,.38*	CHILDS  (You've got 2 entered. Which one do you want
    			 to use?  BTW - I'm still waiting on that
    			 little personal favor you were promising me...)

	Hey Mike, wasn't it you moralizing about the brown nosing being done
in here for Celtic tickets?  Looks like you've been exposed.  8^)

				/Don

    
    /Don, no brown-nosing, I was trying to get in the good ole noter
    fashion way.....
    
    as Jesse would say, "It don't matter how you play the game as long as
    you win".....
    
    mike

    Reid ain't half the man he was in Carolina blue because he ain't
    playing for Dean, he's got a guy from Wake Forest getting him
    the ball.
    
    -Walt

    Weak gentlemen.  Weak.  
    
    This contest is finishing in a fizzle, rather than the blaze of glory
    I'd forecasted.
    
    COME ON.  YOU CAN DO IT.  Why, we tied the Kaintuckians last night
    for most all-time wins.  If that doesn't quicken the pulse and inspire
    some creativity, what will?
    
    
    - ACC Chris

I think everyone who's going to make an entry has already.   Why
not move up the decision day?

    Doug "Index" Ross has an excellent point there.  I second the motion.
    This note is beginning to lose it's "flavor"........
    
    Hawk
    
    P.S.  I'm withdrawing my entry cause I ain't gonna win anyhow.  So
          there.  :-)

    Wow - what a p-name there Hawk.  Ouch.  Ouch!
    
    Perhaps you're right.  Unless I hear objection, the Sweet 16 will be
    posted around noon (EST) today.  So for anyone who was considering
    entering, HURRY.  IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    My late entry:  
    
    If a "Dean" had to lose his head, why'd it have to be Jimmy!
    
    Chip_Who_really_loves_the_Carolina_states_and_Barney_Fife

    WO THERE NELLY.  The contest says the contest ends teh 26th.  I
    for one KNOW that all the entries ARE not in yet.  The splash is
    coming.  An extravaganza.  A Cecil B. DeMille epic waits in the
    wings.  Tremble thy mere mortals, thy shamans, thy craven panderers!
    The true voice of Carolina Blue has yet to be heard.  Bow thine
    heads in forgiveness for trying to end this too soon!  THine caint
    be ACC fans if you want to change thine rules!!! How big-10 like!
    
    Sarge

    True enough JD.  Forgive me, and consider the original closure date
    in tact.
    
    All entries will be accepted up until NOON (EST) on Friday, 1/26/89.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    JR Reid is UGLy and mama dresses him funny.
    Hope that helps, Chris
                     
    DrM

    Wow.  And you guys thought Dan exceeded the "48-line" rule.  Makes his
    look like a Proverb.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    

	Wow, an Arnold Toynbee reference. Now THAT'S  impressive, Mr. T!

	Jim M

Was that in T-ambic pentameter?   

If that one don't [sic] score negative, this contest is rigged.

    Re: .171
    
    I don't know why *I* had to get dragged into this conversation!!!!
    
    
    
    Regards,
    
    NELLY

So who are we waiting for now???  I assume MrT's entry was the one
we were all waiting for?

    I think JD's working on a 400+ liner.......

>          <<< Note 110.182 by SASE::SZABO "Knobbed up and thrusty" >>>
>
>    I think JD's working on a 400+ liner.......

Hawk,

See 110.165... JD's already made his entry.  Although it looks kind
of weak.   Right, ACC Chris?  Or do you skip that one?  


===============================================================================

           <<< OURGNG::SYS$SYSDEVICE:[NOTES$LIBRARY]SPORTS.NOTE;1 >>>
                               -< SON OF SPORTS >-
================================================================================
Note 110.165            Celtics Ticket Giveaway Contest!              165 of 184
RIPPLE::DEVLIN_JO "Sincerity,Integrity,DeanSmith"     2 lines  22-JAN-1990 18:25
                                    -<    >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    No Doug, that wasn't an entry.  Heck, there are a-plenty of mutliple
    entries/notes - why even you've entered more than one note in this
    here topic.
    
    There are still almost 3 full days til the end of the contest.
    Perchance, there will be no more entries, but, perchance their might.
    MrT's entry surprised and delighted me.  I plan to print it out
    and show to Sr. Way tonight at the lingerie show...
    
    Sarge

    It appears we need a few rule clarifications here, and I'm just the
    fair-minded Dean Smith disciple to do it.
    
    First, while the letter of the law (110.0) states only one entry per
    customer, it's obvious that hasn't been the practice.  Most "official"
    entries are pretty obviously that.  In the case of JD, I haven't seen
    anything that would even hit double digits when held against the Must
    System (tm).  With him being a techno writer and all, I'd have to say
    he hasn't (yet) entered.  The same can be said for most of you.  If you
    want to make a second entry, feel free.  I'll judge it on its merit.
    
    Secondly is the issue of non-NewEnglanders eligibility.  Believe me
    when I tell you that, from the bottom of my heart, I *hate* having to
    restrict the winner based on geography.  It's downright unfair, not to
    mention counter to our high tech bond.
    
    And it's for this reason that I feel especially sad to state that, in
    fact, I MUST stick to the letter of the sacred text (110.0) and deny
    access to said tickets based solely on geography.  Sorry, but that's
    just the way it is.  
    
    HOWEVER ....  You're still eligible for that T-shirt!  Not to mention
    the thrill of victory.  So come on all you lucky non-NewEnglanders. 
    Don't let MrT intimidate you!  You could win this thing!!!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

>    So that's the way it is, eh Cyst?

Yup.  My contest.  My rules.  I won the tickets fair and square, so
rightfully they're mine to do with as I see fit.  (Right, Nazz?!  Heh!)
Bottom line:  Na-na-na-na-naaaa-naaaaaa!!!111
    
>    Lure people in here pretending to be seeking input on his school's
>    coach when in reality his purpose is to experience the pleasure
>    of relegating many of us to second class citizenship, like me for
>    instance, branded "bad meat" simply cuz I live in the midwest.

If you reread the sacred text you'll find my intent was not to seek
"input", but rather "praise".  Only by my good graces and thoroughly
Objective nature would such a foul entry as yours even be considered.
    
>    This is wrong.  Fundamentally wrong and unAmerican to boot.  If
>    I were awarded the tickets they'd be used.  Nazz could hand them
>    off to whomever I or other remote types selected.  

All of this, of course, presumes that you're gonna win, which is a pretty
reaching conclusion seeings how you're gonna come up awfully dry in
the pro-Carolina (10 pts), pro-Dean (5 pts), pro-JR (5 pts), and "Bonus"
Points (4 pts) categories.  You've already tossed (almost) 24 points, giving 
you a best possible score of 40, assuming you get a Perfect "10" on the
4 other categories.  And unlike gymnastics judges, I'm particularly
frugal in awarding 10's.  (Actually, I think Cap has the only one.  He
got a "10" for sincerity.  :^( )
    
40 points (or even significantly less) *would* put you in solid position for 
that T-shirt though!


- ACC Chris
    

Hey JD!

	Tell Sr Way I said to chug some JackD in my name. By Five O'clock
Seattle time, I'll be firmly ensconced in my favorite watering hole, and, as
Kelly Bundy once said " I'll post a toast to the `Saw with the most! "

Mike JN

         Ode to Dean, the TarHeels, and everything.

         A Tobacco Road Extravaganza

Site:  The DeanDome, the partheon of college hoops.
The cast:  All of Dean's players - a veritable who's who in Hoop history.
           All of them bright, articulate, outstanding members of
           the community.
           Dean - he plays himself.  Only Charlton Heston, who practiced
           for the role by playing Moses, could be considered for Dean's
           part.

           The admiring throng - led by all other hoop coaches, past and
           present, who look upon Dean with awe and respect.  

The Scene: A musical retrospective of Dean, the Tarheels, and all that
           they stand for.

First Scene:  To the tune of "There's No Business"  

There's no coaching like Dean's coaching
The best coaching we'll ever know
Everything about is fantastic..
Every game is simply superb
No one can ever ever match him
When it comes to coaching hoops

There's no players like Dean's players
The finest in the land
Each one is scholarly
Classy and three-dimensional
No one can ever ever defeat them
On or off the court

There's no fans like Tarheel fans
The classiest ever to root
Everyone is full of vigor
As they cheer ol' blue on
No one can ever ever deflate them
When it comes to cheering the Heels

There's no coaching like Dean's coaching....

(At this point, the music changes to a tune, sung to "Nothing could
 be finer.."

Nothing could be finer 
Than to be in North Carolina
During Hoops season...
Chapel Hill's the place to be
To see be finest hoop in America
During Hoops season
The Tarheels they be jamming
Slamming and defending
During Hoops season
Dean he be coaching
The wins fast approaching
During hoops season

(At this point, the music fades to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer)

You've heard of Wooden and THompson, Mikek and BobbySpite,
But do you recall, the greatest coach of them all!!!!
Dean Smith, the finest coach in the land
And if you've ever seen him, you'd have to give him a big hand
Dean Smith, has the finest team in the land
As they march on to vic-to-reeeeee

(At this point, the poignant beginnings of "Jesus Christ, Superstar,
 echo through the Dome..)

J.R. Reid Superstar
Another in a long line of Tarheel stars
J.R. Reid - He's Complete
Just like all of Dean's players
J.R. Reid - Dominant
Just like James and Micheal
J.R. Reid - Number ONE
Just like Kenny, Phil, and Bobby Jones


(The music abruptly stops, a trumpet blares, and "The Marine Hymn" 
 wafts through the air...)

From the gyms of the ACC.
To the dome in New Orleans
the Heels pile up the victories
By coaching, teamwork, and talent
First in the tourney, they always play it clean
I'm proud to cheer for 
the North Carolina Tar Heels..

(To change the mood, we move into a "Wizard of Oz")

We're off to see the Dean, the wonderful Dean of coaches
Because, because, because he's the best there's ever been
If ever there was a coaches coach to coach a coach then Dean's that coach
He's the superest of all time!!!! And that's an undeniable fack....
We're off to see the Dean, the wonderful Dean of coachinnngggg

(To go modern, we now here Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody start...)

Mama, just shook Dean's hand
Sent a shiver down my spine
Body quivering all the time
Mama, just met the man
And I know I've reached the top
Mama, ohhhohhh
Caint believe my luck
He smiled at my daughter toooooo
Dean, he really matters....

(As we near the end, this song needs no introduction...)

There they come justa swooping down the court
Singing We're the heels gonna rip you all apart
Micheal and James gonna soar through the air
Singing We're the heels gonna tear you all apart
They play smart, (play smart), score a lot (score a lot)
Gonna win all the time (gonna win all the time)
They're on top nearly every single year
Singing Dean Smith he's the very very best
Winning the ACC with precision regularity
Singing Dean Smith he's the very very best
He works hard (works hard), plays clean (plays clean)
Gonna win it all for him (gonna win it all for him)


(At this point, the music takes a triumphant swing to "God Bless America"

God Bless the Tar Heels
Team that I love
Stand beside them, and cheer them
To another victory
Dean Smith, super coach
He's the greatest we've ever SEEEEENNNNN
GOD BLESS THE TAR HEELS
The team we all love,
GOD BLESS THE TAR HEELS
America, personified.


At this point, the DeanDome is  shaking.  The noise is thunderous.
Fireworks light the sky, casting a beautiful Carolina Blue over the
Chapel Hill countryside.  The chant of "TARHEELS.....TARHEELS" reverberates
through the land.  There isn't a dry eye in sight.

There it is.  My humble entry.

JD
                   

    
    hey Chris did you wet your pants over that one?  ;^)
    
    too much, this contest has certainly brought out some great stuff
    
    thanks for having it Chris....
    
    mike

Okay, we've heard from the Far West and Middle America... Why make us
wait til Friday?   

JD: I thought I was a pandering pimp of putrid pulp until I read your
    reply. :-)   

    Doug,
    
    Pandering?  Moi?  Shirley you jest.  I bleed Carolina Blue.
    I was fearful that the mob would close the contest early, so
    I had to rush in.  I could have gone another 150 lines easily.
    I still had the star-spangled banner to sing....
    
    Sarge

    Wa wa wa wa wa woooowwwww!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111
    
    Truly an *OUTSTANDING EFFORT*, JD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
    
    My bloodpressures up.  My pants are damp.  My Must System (tm) meters
    are pinned on "10"!!!!!11111  
    
    Kinda makes that MrT entry look kinda sick, now don't it?
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    Okay, now that I've regained control of my bodily functions, let my
    apologize for my blatant emotional outburst.  Dean wouldn't be pleased,
    but even The Great One has been known to whoop and holler on occasion!
    
    The contest remains open until Friday at lunch.  Lordy help me if
    anybody tops that entry.  The ole ticker might not survive judging
    it!
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

JD

	I have no problem whatsoever with the fact that you utilize such
emotion laden images to make your point. Or the fact that you trivialize such
revered figures as Moses, Rudolph, Jesus Christ, The Wizard of Oz, The Queen,
Classic Rock `n Roll, God, and America.

But when you drag My Corps into this, I can only surmise that you have lost all
contact with reality, and become a nattering nabob of negativistic nonsense.
                   
Respectfully Yours
Mike JN

    JD,
    
    I think your entry ought to be immediately disqualified.  That is
    cruel and inhuman torture at its absolute worst.    Weapons such
    as yours are forbidden by the Geneva Convention.
    
    Unless ???  Unless I *really* have died and been sent to that
    really hot place ???
    
    If this really is HELL, and if they're going to keep on playing
    JD's medley, then I'm in for a l-o-n-g forever down here.
    
    Say a prayer for my soul, boys ...
    
    Bob Hunt

    If ACC chris is holding to the geography bit then JD should only be
    in the running for the T-Shirt.   Just because he used to be an
    East_Coast_Techno_Weenie doesn't count!
    
    TC who's going to enter the greatest contest on Earth!
    

    I agree with T.  All should be able to win the Tix, regardless of
    geography.  And TC, how dare you call me a techno-weenie, I'm a
    non-techno-weenie.  I don't even know how to do line feeds and stuff
    like that.   Needle and Lufay are technoweenies.
    
    See, I should win the Tix, so I could raffle em off in a contest...
    
    JD

    Negative boys.  The TIX are *MINE*.  Just go and ask Nazz if ya want
    to.  So there!
    
    JD, perhaps you *should* clear up some rather nasty allegations MrT
    made.  I'm beginning to "read between the lines" a bit on your
    admittedly emotional note.  
    
    What gives fella?
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    ACC Chris,
    
    Are you going to listen to the rantings of MrT?  The man who ripped
    Dean and praised BobbyFight (tm) for 276 lines?  Caint you see he's
    trying to hoodwink you into not believing the sincerity of my 
    ode to UNC?  My P_Name sums up my feelings.
    
    I'm above reproach.  Read between the lines, indeed.
    
    JD

    Chris,
    
    I really think you should think about your geography rule.  Let
    anyone win, but if the person is geographically unable to go (such
    as myself), let them,through your blessing, give the ticket to another
    deserving sole.  This way, the winner, no matter the location, will
    get to feel the thrill of victory, and the passes won't go to waste.
    
    As a fellow ACC fan, you must understand my plea for fairness. 
    Dean would WANT it that way.  Of that I'm sure.
    
    restricting the contest seems to have a Big10 or BigEast feel to
    it...
    
    Humbly yours.
    
    JD

    	As much as he's a fellow competitor in this contest I must confess
     that as long as I've known JD he's been a Tar Heel booster.  He
    even painted his lats blue and white at the last RedSox/Tigermania.
    And I for one, would love to see someone bring his musical to Broadway.
    It's a guaranteed Toni winner JD.
    
    				/Don

    Hmmm.  Surprised to see you in favor of this, /Don, what with your own
    extremely solid entry in The Contest.  I can only conclude that there's 
    some e-mail bargains being struck here.  This kind of implication doesn't
    serve you well in the "Bonus Points" arena /Don, believe me.  (And this
    contest is *so* close, I can guarantee you those 4 points will make the
    difference.  :^| )
    
    		  ^
    	          |
    		  |
    		  |
    
    
    	     (That symbol is my "game" face boys.
    	      The one I usually reserve only 
              for those times between Chilcutt's
    	      opening tap and King's icing free
    	      throws.)
    
    True JD, non-discriminating geography is a trademark of UNC (if not the
    ACC).  But the fact remains we've collected the majority of our
    ballplayers from the East Coast.  In fact, Scott Williams is the ONLY
    Left Coast ballplayer we've ever landed.  So I've gotta toss that line
    of reasoning.
    
    In all truthfulness though, the winner will receive two (2) items of
    far more lasting significance than attending a (probably boring)
    basketball game.
    
    1. The knowledge, esteem, bragging rights, and pride associated with
       WINNING the whole darn enchilada.  (Please, no Title cracks.)
    
    2. A T-shirt that carries with it much significance.  I'd like to think 
       of this thing as a SPORTS heirloom.  Something that will endure for the
       ages.  For our future generations.  Perhaps it'll be passed from noter
       to noter over the course of years, but it will be a symbol of SPORTS. 
       A SPORTS Olympic Torch if you will.  
    
    Indeed gentlemen, there's *far* more at stake this week than attending
    a lousy C's game.  
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    re: .210
    
    Hey Slasher, did JD promise you the tickets too?  :-)
    
    
    Anyway, Cyst, er Crisp, damn, I mean, Chris, I too cain vouch for the
    sincerity of one John Milhouse Devlin for being a true blue, no, make
    that, baby blue athletic supporter.  Hail, those blue and white painted
    lats that Slash Don told you about is just the beginning.  See, along
    wif' his sincerity, JMD is wicked modest, otherwise, you'd have no
    problem wif' your choice of a contest winner.  
    
    And here's the kicker, the ultimate reason why this man is the winner.
    I promised that I'd never reveal this, but sorry JD, I cain't let you
    lose this contest over such perverse accusations such as fraud, but, I
    hereby now reveal that, John Milhouse Devlin is the love child of Mr
    Tar Heel himself, Dean Smith.  There.  It's out now.  You cain live
    your life with one less burden, JMD, Son of Tar Heel!
    
    So, there you have it Chris.  You have no choice but to declare JMD the
    unanimous winner.  And, to maintain the integrity of this here contest,
    you must strike the jography stipulayshun.  Besides, Sonny already
    promised me, not Slash Don, those tickets!
    
    How'd I do, JD?
    
    Hawk

    Three observations:
    
    1) I wish I never made the ticket offer to Chris.
    
    2) Strange to see a contest where the guy running it responds more than
       the people entered in it.
    
    3) I'm amazed so many people would degrade themselves so disgustingly
       just to see the $&**^%*$ Charlotte Hornets.
    
    NAZZ

    Hey Nazz, if you give me some complimentary tickets, I promise not to
    "pimp" them in a contest and go to the game with my little girl.
    
    Hawk

    Hawk,
    
    What are you implying?  I don't know what you are talking about.
    I've not prostituted myself to anyone - let along offer tickets!
    OBviously a ploy to degrade my entry, in the hope you, or your cohorts,
    would win in the confusing.
    
    I caint believe how looooww folks will get.  My haid is spinning.
    
    JD

    > I wish I never made the ticket offer to Chris.
    
    No, you mean you wish you'd never made a *bet* with me.  THAT, my
    Celtic friend, was your undoing!
    
    Hah!!!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    I still am reeling over h'awks note.  first, he panders by playing
    his child card as a way to steal the contest.  Then, he badmouths
    Dean.  Now, he indicts me on blatently false charges, and starts
    calling me Milhouse.  Why?  At least /Don has remained honest
    and full of integrity, as a true blue TarHell should!
    
    Still aching overthe false accustations.  
    
    JD

    Aaahheeemmmm.  I do believe you've got a serious typo in your last note
    JD.  Unless of course this is another subtle "between the lines" jab at
    the Heels.
    
    First you embarass me with some tricky high-brow subtleties in your
    Contest Entry.  Then you bribe /Don to trumpet your own horn,
    undoubtedly on the promise of copping one of the 2 "winning" tickets.
    Then a Freudian slip, calling our boys in blue "TarHell"'s.
    
    You're slipping JD.  Slipppiiiinnnggggg .....
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    

       I know /Don, /Don's no congresscritter!
                                          Denny

    Chriss,
    
    The typo was  a typo.  I was so upset at Hawks allegations.  I bribe
    no one.  I humbly submitted an entry to your fine contest.  I finally
    let my true colors show.  And the jackles and hyenas and birds of
    prey come to pounce on me.  Tis a said state of affairs...
    
    JD

       Why would JD try to lie and cheat his way to the tickets anyway?
    He caint even use the dang things! I say give him an equal shot
    and let him decide what to do with them. 
                                          Denny

    Amen, Denny!  I resemble JMD's honesty, integrity, and wholesomeness!
    
    JMD, I's just trying to help you get me those tix!  Hail, there ain't
    no flies on me!
    
    HTH.
    
    H'awk

UNC,
UNCanny in the ways of winning!

UNCap the offense with
UNCeasing pressure on
UNCertain opponents!

UNCeremoniously wump 'em,
UNChain thy offense, be
UNCharitable to the heathens,
UNChaste and
UNChristian!

UNCial script shows them to be
UNCircumcised,
UNCivil,
UNClad louts,
UNClasp thyself from these
UNClean!

UNClench your fists,
UNClose the curtains,
UNClothe them for what they are!

UNCoil thy defense, 
UNComfortable will be the enemy
UNCommitted to fight such an
UNCommon oppenent!

UNCommunicative they turn,
UNCompromising are we,
UNConcern for their shame,
UNConditional the surrender
UNConquerable!

UNConscionable!, they scream,
UNConsciously they say it's
UNConstitutional!

UNControllable,
UNConventional offense
UNCorks
UNCounted points!

UNCouple thselves from 
UNCouth defenders
UNCover and shoot!

UNCross your fingers for it does you no good!
UNCtion will not salve you
UNCtuous creatures...none
UNCut!

UNClear?  

UNChallenged and
UNChecked, the final victory is
UNContested, the opponents have cried...
                                        UNCle!

    wait a minute, the entire "U" section of my dictionary is missing!!
    
    Has someone seen it?
    
    UNConstipated

T, I admit I was dupped by the shifty JD.  I suspect this was due to a
rather unfortunate comment I made regarding this fine marathoners "physique"
at the Noters gathering over Christmas, but I can't change history.  JD, 
consider ourselves even.  Perhaps it's my naive, open, "friendly" personality
that let me get drawn into this treachery.  (As opposed to the cranky, cynical,
evil traits of my notorious rival.) I don't know.  

But in any case I'm fully confident that the majority of pro-Carolina notes
are 100% sincere.  No question.  As an example I hold up .94, which is
Dan Schneider's fine entry and a front runner to reach the Final 4.  That
note *drips* with sincerity.  

The unfortunate part of this whole thing is that "Sincerity" only counts
toward 10 points in the published formula.  As such, JD's entry (as well
as your obscene one :^( ) will be judged fairly and could even win.
:^( :^(


- ACC Chris
    
    

     I caint believe you Chris. T has a stranglehold on you. He's got
    you mired in self-doubt.  And I can't believe you mentioned Dan
    Schneider and sincerity in the same note - he don't care about UNC,
    he simply wants to go to the game.
    
    I duped no one...
    
    JD

    Nope.  Dan's sincere.  He loves Dean & Carolina, on that I can assure
    you.  (Something about our New York/New Jersey connections I believe.)
    
    Don't worry though JD.  As I pointed out, just cause I know you're
    insincere (I wasn't sure until that Fruedian "Tarhell" comment, BTW)
    you could still win.  Sincerity is only 1 category, and I can only
    (officially) base that on the actual Contest Entry note.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    

    Chris,
    
    I'm from New York - I have more of the connection than Dan.
    You've let T melt your brain.  Sincerity is my middle name!
    THe hours I spent working on my entry - I knew I should have waited
    til it was complete.
    
    T and Dan both seem to be influencing you - you must be confused
    as they pull at your ying and yang, tearing your spirital innards
    to shreds.....
    
    JD

A is for ACC, the top hoop group in the land;
B is for Basketball, Tar Heels are leaders of the band;
C is for Coach, with Smith, you need say no more;
D is for Dean, the only man I do adore; 
E is for Effort, you give it or Dean sit's you;
F is for Four corners, invented by you-know-who;
G is for Great, the program, the coach, the players;
H is for Heaven, Coach Smith can answer all our prayers;
I is for Ice, Smith is coolest under fire;
J is for Jammin', by J.R Reid or Jordan, made Terry Holland a crier;
K is for Koach K, Duke's ferret-faced Knight-offspring;
L is for Losses, an uncommon Tar Heel thing;
M is for Michael, also known as "Air";
N is for is for NCAA's, Dean always gets them there;
O is for Olympics, Dean should be Coach for life;
P is for Point guard, Phil Ford can have my wife;
Q is for Quest, for the best, is all Smith can do;
R is for Reid, J.R, my mane mimics his awesome 'do;
S is for Senator, Smith would stomp on Jesse Helms;
T is for Tournament, in the ACC, NC overwhelms;
U is for Uwe Blab, Dean wouldn't recruit that dork;
V is for Victory, Coach delivers them like the stork;
W is for Worthy, awesome and 3D;
X is for "eXcellent!!!", Bill and Ted would agree
Y is for Youth, Dean doesn't rebuild - just  reloads;
Z is for Zenith, UNC is the pinnacle of Tobacco Road!!!

======

Not that it matters, but on February 8th {the day after a very special
Celtics game against the up-and-coming Hornets and their awesome center
J.R. Reid}, I will be flying down to Charlotte to pursue career opportunities.
What made me consider the offer {having spurned Orlando, Detroit, and
Landover}?   The housing market?  Maybe.   The climate?  It's a definite
plus.  The good job?  Perhaps.     No, I would have to say it's the chance
to get into the UNC area at the onset of the "Team of 90's".   When
Eric Montross decides to attend North Carolina, the fate of the ACC and
NCAA tournaments will be sealed for 1991-1994.   UCLA-East will exist
at Chapel Hill.   I want to be there.      It would be nice to see the
Celtics last gasp before I head south

My son Michael Dean "J.R." Ross will get to grow up on the playgrounds 
where James Worthy first jammed.   He will blossom into a team player,
a Matt Doherty-type with a J.R. Reid haircut.   When he signs that letter
of intent to attend UNC, both I and my wife Gail "King" Ross will be
the happiest parents on the face of this earth.   

Sincerely, I thank you for your time.   Very sincerely. 

       It 'Blue' me away!
                                       Denny

    Tomorrow's the big day gentlemen!  Much as I hate to see it end (I'm sure
    the rest of you share my sadness - especially you Nazz) the winning
    noter will be crowned!!
    
    The deadline for entry is 12:00 NOON (EST).   I'll have the Sweet 16
    whittled down by approx. 1:00 EST.  Then, during a fun-filled Friday 
    afternoon, we'll whittle it down to the Elite 8, The Final 4, and
    yes, a Titlest!
    
    Awards will be presented to:
    
    1. Bragging Rights.  This is the most important award, yet it offers
       no materialistic prize.  Just the knowledge that they were THE 
       BEST THAT THEY COULD BE.  Of course, the outright winner will also
       win either item #2 or #3, depending on their geography.
    
    2. A T-Shirt.  This (IMO) is the most valuable prize.  It was presented
       to me by my Westboro SPORTS cronies.  I kind of consider it a
       SPORTS heirloom.  Guard it well, ye who wins it.  The winner of this
       will be the highest finisher beyond the geographic boundaries of
       Boston Garden.
    
    3. Two (2) Press Box seats to the 2/7 Charlotte Hornets @ Boston Celtics.
       The winner of these will be the highest finisher within the
       geographic boundaries of Boston Garden.
    
       Good luck to all!!!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    I'm the love child of JR Reid and I've never seen play.

 After reading some of the contest entries I have decided to enter a  real 
good try... I know that Chris has me down for one already but here goes my 
best shot!



In a true Joe Isuzu form and imatation...


Ahh yes, the ACC conference.. Winners of the most NCAA Championships
of any conference... COMBINED!
Every Senior that has started an ACC game as graduated at the top 5% of 
his or her class.
We in the ACC has never thrown a chair across the court... But the stands 
are open season...
We killed the big east this year!! But only in games that we played south 
the the ACC Capital...
THe BIG TEN... change the letters and you get beKnigHtt...
The ACC where men are men and Basketball players are imported..
The Big East... Where you get players from the Middle East...
The ACC Where the four corners changed basketball from a coaching game to 
to run and gun game.
The ACC where a peach means a great point guard  not a fruit that you pick.
The ACC where basketball was founed...
ACC where the 45 second clock was started... and stopped when we needed it 
to.
The NCAA wher they finally nailed the Big Ten on Cheating (Ill) We would 
never stoop that low.
NC State... Jim is not a true ACC coach... A true ACC coach coach would 
never get caught.

Trust me!!! The official car of the ACC Isuzu!!!
                  Joe Isuzu

    Here Chris is truly the only entry that is true, to the point and
    doesn't attempt to kiss up to yours and JR's big ol' butt.. :-)
    Don't worry for all of you that have kissed up, even though I'm
    in Mass, I'm a hoosier which automatically disqualifies me from
    winning.
    
    Dean Smith is one of the best coaches that the game has known, which
    can be seen by his ACC Conference Titles, NCAA titles and his
    incredible run of consecutive NCAA appearances. He is a model of 
    consistency, teaches great fundamentals and runs a very clean program
    which stresses academics, sportsmanship and great basketball.  He
    is, with the exception of John Wooden, the greatest recruitor in
    the game and constantly supplies UNC with great talent.  Another
    mark of a good coach is the success of the men who trained under
    him.  Many of his players go on to stardom in the NBA and the assistant
    coaches who worked under him are successful in the college game.
    
    Now on the down side, he honestly has had the most talent of any
    coach since John Wooden.  For whatever reason (and maybe this is unfair)
    his teams have not been able to live up to the expectations that
    are placed on them during the season.  Call it choking or whatever
    you want the fact remains that with the talent he has had in the
    late 70's and 80's, he should have walked away with more titles
    than just one.  I can think of several NC squads that were much
    more talented than the IU squads that won in the 80's.  Also he
    at times gets outcoached in game situations, now don't take me wrong
    he's a good game coach, but since the shot clock was instituted
    he tends to let his teams play undisciplined(When he ran the 4-corners,
    UNC was the most disciplined team in the country) and it costs them
    when they are playing teams that are either as athletic as they
    are(like Maryland this year) or teams that play patient and smart(like 
    Duke or Indiana).
    
    All in all, Dean is good for the game and should go down as one
    of the better coaches in basketball history.
    
    Cap
    

    This is my offical entry
    
    If J.R. Reid is gonna be stacking plates, I wanna be there!  I
    understand that Mr. T cain't hold a plate to J.R.  I been to North
    Carolina, and Massachusetts sir is no North Carolina!  As far as Dean
    Smif goes just check out the ole p-name.  The saddest day in
    Charlotte's franchise was the day they cut Greg kite!  And they'll
    always regret trading Kurt (franchise) Rambis.  Anybody who cain get a
    Dome named after hisself must be a god(tm).  And here's my
    bum-smooching statement:	"I'm a Read Only Kinda Guy!
    (T-hypocrisy(tm))!!
    
    Humbly Yours,
    TC
    

technical nit to .247:

>    can be seen by his ACC Conference Titles, NCAA titles and his
							 ^

Truth in advertising should get me a T-type-shirt (tm).

TTom

Sung to the tune of gilligans island....
*****************************************


Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of college hoop.
Lay back and enjoy it 
You'll get the whole scoop....

The coach was a mighty recruiting man. 
The center tall and smart.
Five superstars played ball that day,
JR was sure to start
Was sure to start

The team fell behind real quick.
The opposition was fouling Reid.
If not for the coaching of Reverend Smith,
Things would be bleak indeed
Would be bleak indeed.

UNC will come back to win,
This championship game.
With JR Reid,
The Reverend too,
Mike Jordan and Daugherty. 
The multi-dimensional James
and the rest.
The ACC's best
Here at The University.....


  *** Closing Credits ***

Now here is the tale of the best hoop team
ever to grace the floor.
They all come from UNC
They'd kick bobbies team out the door.

JR and the Reverend too
Will do their very best,
To make sure that the other teams
Call the ACC the best.

No swearing,no fights, no Mr T.
not a single recruiting scam.
Unlike Clemson's program,
UNC's the best in the land.

So join us here each week my friend
You're sure to get a smile.
From the top hoops program in the country
Carolina's the best by a mile....

    I've fired up my networked VAX 9000's to whittle this thing
    down to the Sweet 16.  As soon as my high-priority job finishes I'll
    post the lucky few.  
    
    
    - ACC Chris

       My breath is baited!
                                    Denny

    (in alphabetical order ...)
    
    
	Contestant	Note #
	----------	------
	CAPPEL		.247
	FINIZIO		.90
	GAULKE		.217
	HUNT		.2
	JD		.192
	METZGER		.251
	MrT		.174
	REEVE		.4
	RIEU		.12
	ROBICHAUD	.9
	ROSS		.239
	SCHNEIDER	.94
	SZABO		.80
	VENU		.54
	VLASAK		.231
	WAY		.8
    	

    What were there, friggin' 17 contestants?  I'm sittin' on pins 'n
    needles.......  :-)
    
    Hawk

I hope I don't pull a Bobby Knight vs Cleveland State!

    re .262:
    
    >	Hey ACC Crisp.  I'd like to see a breakout on my score, which happens
    >	to be the lowest of the lot.
    
    MrT that's not your score, it's merely the reply number of your entry.
    
    
    Paul 

    Correct Paul.  I could post the scores (after the fact of course) if
    y'all want.  No hard feeling though!  This is all highly subjective
    event, unlike Dean's unparalleled career statistics.
    
    
    - ACC Chris

(listed alphabetically ...)

		JD  (.192)

		METZGER (.251)

		MrT    (.174)

		ROBICHAUD (.9)

		ROSS	 (.239)

		SCHNEIDER (.94)

		VLASAK	 (.231)

		WAY      (.8)
    

Whew... Made it past Cleveland State... now can we get by Richmond?

    MrT and JD are the only remaining T-shirt contestants!
    
    It's mano-a-mano.  T v JD.  You two care for a quick one-on-one match
    to decide the winner, or do you wanna stick with yer respective
    entries?!
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

I hope this done soon because I would guess that many people will
be heading out the door before 5:00.

>    Cliff I'll brain you if you keep up with the Cleveland State 
>    jive-bull. 

	What scares me, Thomas, is that if I get by Richmond, I may
have to face a great team like Seton Hall.  My slow, WMD, 3 guard, freshman,
no-talent lineup surely can't beat a semi-pro, international-flavored,
team of all-NYC'ers, can we?   Maybe... 

    Chris, ain't no me vs T. bull jive.  It's the elite 8.  But see
    where you skewed geographical has messed up this fine contest?
    It's like me and T are in the NIT, and the others are in the NCAA's.
    Taint fair....
    
    JD

    Rest easy Rossee.  The winner (singular) will be crowned by 5, EST.
    The T-shirt will be awarded sooner than that, however.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    BTW - Ross seems pretty confident he's gonna take this thing.  Does
          he *know* who he's up against here????
    

    Wait a second Chriss.  You changing the rooles allofasudden????
    
    I thought that anyone could win, but if beyond your geographically
    boundaries, they'd get the shirt, then the #2, if in the geographical
    boundary, would win the passes.  This is a sham.  What you've done
    is divide the contest into 2 contests, when all along it was ONE
    contest with TWO prizes.  What gives?
    
    ALl should be eligible to be the best entry (and in FACK(TM) you
    said that in your note about what was at stake - in FACK(TM) you
    said bragging rights wwere the most important prize).  What yyou
    are doing is chucking me and T from the tickets and bragging rights,
    and relegating us to 2nd citizen status and chucking us a shirt.
    
    I vehemetly protest this disregard for  you own rules!
    
    JD

>    BTW - Ross seems pretty confident he's gonna take this thing.  Does
>          he *know* who he's up against here????

I'm not that confident.. I've checked the other finalists and I'm running
scared.

/don, Dan, and Frank Way look like Final Four material to me.      

/don is like UCLA of the Wooden days...  
Dan  is like Georgetown of the Ewing days...
Way  is like Providence of the Marvin Barnes/Ernie D days

Me?  I'm just trying to get by like old Dean Smith at that school in
Chapel Hill. It will take a great deal of luck and coaching to pull this
one off.

    All are eligible JD.  I was just doin' a little high-brow foreshadowing
    is all.  (Maybe I *was* wrong about you after all.  Unless this is yet
    another clever ploy of yours, pretendin' you don't know about such
    literary things.  Too late now anyways ...)
    
    
    - ACC Chris

(listed alphabetically ...)




		METZGER (.251)

		ROBICHAUD (.9)

		ROSS	 (.239)

		SCHNEIDER (.94)


Congratulations Carolina fans!  Just making the Final 4 is an accomplishment.
From here in, it's like picking straws.  All entries were Worthy of 
victory.

Again, nice work.


- ACC Chris
    

>The winner (singular) will be crowned by 5, EST.
>The T-shirt will be awarded sooner than that, however.
    
Guess JD and MrT pulled an Indiana fade.

Since all Final 4 entries are eligible for the tickets, the T-shirt
winner will now be declared.

Here are the results:


NOTER	     NOTE  HUMOR  ORIG  SINC  +UNC  EMO  +JR  +DEAN  BONUS  TOTAL
-----	     ----  -----  ----  ----  ----  ---  ---  -----  -----  -----
JD	      .192   8     8     3     9     8    2     2      0      40

MrT           .174   8    10     9     1     9    0     0      0      37


Congrats JD.  Fine entry.  If not for MrT having exposed you for what
you were you woulda won the whole enchilada.  Thanks T.

Please send me via e-mail ASAP your address so I can expedite shipment
of "The Shirt".  And I hope you'll cherish it and perhaps even pass it
on someday to another member of the SPORTS community.

Regards and congrats,


- ACC Chris
    

    JMD, I sure hope you do with that shirt what T would've done had he
    wone the darned thang......  :-)
    
    Hawk

    
    It's 4:00 p.m.....Almost time!!! If I were you Chris, I'd let them
    sweat it out till "after" five.
    
    B.A.

Oh.  Hey.   Who turned on the lights?

Finishing in fourth position in this years Celtics Giveaway Contest (leaving 
open the possibility of another!):

NOTER	     NOTE  HUMOR  ORIG  SINC  +UNC  EMO  +JR  +DEAN  BONUS  TOTAL
-----	     ----  -----  ----  ----  ----  ---  ---  -----  -----  -----
ROBICHAUD     .9     8     8     8     8     7    0     2      0      41

Fine effort /Don.  Loved your note and we hope to see again real soon!

(insert face of thoroughly dejected /Don who thought he just might
 when this thing)

Let's here it for Mr. Robichaud!!!

(insert sound of SPORTS fans giving polite applause as Don walks slowly
 away)


In *third* place:

NOTER	     NOTE  HUMOR  ORIG  SINC  +UNC  EMO  +JR  +DEAN  BONUS  TOTAL
-----	     ----  -----  ----  ----  ----  ---  ---  -----  -----  -----
METZGER       .251   8     9     8     8     7    0     2      0      42

Excellent late entry Metz!  Really touched me cause (unlike them high-brow
types) I love Gilligan's Island!  Congratulations!

(insert face of Metz somewhat excited and surprised he made it this far)

Folks, let's here it for Mr. Metzger!!

(insert sound of SPORTS fans giving enthusiastic applause as Metz
 walks quickly away)


And then there were two.
    

It's Georgetown vs UNC...

Where's Freddy Brown?  Give him the ball!

It's a shame that two guys who share such common views on the
world of sports must be pitted against each other.  Geez, Dan, I hope
you win more than I hope James Worthy is NBA MVP...

    
    thanks...
    
    NOt bad for whipping it up on the spur of the moment...
    
    What do I win ?
    
    If Dan wins this context is fixed...He should get 0 for originality...0
    for jr reid and 0 for humor......
    
    Hell I coulda written an average boring dan note if I wouldda tried...
    
    Metz
    

    >Hell I coulda written an average boring dan note if I wouldda tried...
    
    No way, Metz.  It took 20 years of honesty, sincerity and integrity to
    write that note.
    
    Dan

    Now now.  No sour grapes Metz, or our Game Show Police will have to
    escort you not-so-politely off the set!  ;^)
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

Plenty of behind-the-scenes convention activity going on....

>                <<< Note 110.287 by HEURIS::METZGER "Ex-NOTY" >>>
>    NOt bad for whipping it up on the spur of the moment...

	I think that sums up MrT's opinion of this fine contest.

    re: .-1  Tradition *MUST* be maintained!
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

	What are those disgusting slurping and smacking sounds I hear every
time I try to peruse this topic?

Conspiring Mimes Want To Know
Mike JN

James Worthy couldn't carry Greg Kite's jock...

    Hey /Don, Metz, I don't know who'll I'll take.  It would help me decide
    if I heard your views on Joe Namath and James Worthy respectively.
    
    Dan

MrT, you busy the 7th of Feb?  

    Dan, I's just kiddin'.  You cain sponge beers off_a me anytime!  :-)
    
    Hawk

Namath was overrated but I loved reading books about him in my youth...

I was 5 years old when the Jests won the big one...

Worthy is the Wade Boggs of basketball......

 Does this mean you'll take me now ?

       Metz

Well?

    Shame on you for stealing .300 Hawk.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

First, I'd like to thank everyone for participating.  Hope everyone enjoyed
themselves as much as I did, and perhaps we can do it again next year.
(Let's see, Scott Williams is gonna be a lottery pick ...)

Secondly, I'd like to thank Nazz for making this all possible.  Without his 
poor basketball judgement we wouldn't be where we are right now.  (;^) Nazz!)

Lastly I'd like to thank MrT for exposing JD and allowing the *true*
winner to claim his rightful prize.  I've said it before but I'll say
it again:  "Thank you, MrT."  (And I hope they *do* drag the kicking and
screaming Bob Knight into the HoF.  He deserves it, darnit!  Heh heh!)

And now for the moment we've been waiting for.  

(insert sound of ACC Chris taking a *deep* breath)

The first runnerup in the First Annual ACC Chris Ticket Giveaway Contest
is (and BTW, this person will attend the game in the event the First Place
winner is unable to attend, for whatever reason):




NOTER	     NOTE  HUMOR  ORIG  SINC  +UNC  EMO  +JR  +DEAN  BONUS  TOTAL
-----	     ----  -----  ----  ----  ----  ---  ---  -----  -----  -----
ROSS	      .239   8     8     8     8     8    2     2      1      45

Congrats Doug.

(insert gasps followed by emmense crowd noise and applause)

And the winner:

NOTER	     NOTE  HUMOR  ORIG  SINC  +UNC  EMO  +JR  +DEAN  BONUS  TOTAL
-----	     ----  -----  ----  ----  ----  ---  ---  -----  -----  -----
SCHNEIDER     .94    5     5     9     9     8    2     4      4      46



CONGRATULATIONS DAN!!!

ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111


THANK YOU ALL FOR PARTICIPATING!!  SEE YA AGAIN NEXT YEAR!!!!!!!

ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111



- ACC CHRIS!!!!!!
    

    Gosh, Golly, Gee.  (I hope that photographer doesn't sell those
    pictures to Playgirl.)
    
    And a most deserving winner it is.
    
    Dan

I'm so ashamed.  

I've seen the light MR t.

ACC Cyst ain't nothing but a low down lieing cheating Dean worshiper....

I won't even go into what I'm sure dan promised him for a pair of measly celtics
tickets...I wonder what he got the "Bonus" points for.....

Wo is me for ever stooping as lowly as to enter a contest as clearly fixed
as this....First the geographical bias..then the seperation of the contest
into 2 contesxs(tm)and now the obvious behind closed door pandering of 
schneider to "win" the tickets....

Call me a converted Big 10 Bigot.....


         Metz

I guess I'll just have to learn to deal with the pain, MrT.   Somehow.
 


heh heh hee hee...

    My hunch is Doug feels just fine about The Contest T.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

What a sham.  What a travesty.  What a fix.  Typical from the ACC, though,
considering they've brought us Clemson, Jim Valvano, and Mr. Underachiever,
the ugly bridesmaid himself, Dean Smif, the man who constantly dives for the 
bouquet at the wedding, but never does get axed to stand in the center
of the alter.  That's reserved for the beauties, both inward and outward,
like Bobby Knight.

And look who wins, Dan.  His note had NO humour, NO originality - it
was a trip down Dan's memory lane, paved with back patting and "I's" and
"Me's".  Very UNTEAM player like, not Dean Smif like, more like Jerry
Tarkanian.  And yet the rube, ACCyst, gives it to the most undeserving
note entered.  I really caint believe it.

As MrT has said, however, I did receive some solance.  I acted in my best
ACC manner.  I lied.  I tried to bribe /Don, Hawk, and Denny, and yet
if MrT hadn't stood on his morals to expose me, I would've won.  And
since it was an ACC note directed at Dean, I can revel in that feel
of an excellent loss.

I eagerly await my T-shirt.   I have plans.

JD

    Thanks for at least being a man about this and fessing up JD.  As to
    Dan winning, I had no choice.  While his entry lacked originality and
    humor (look at the results, they're posted.  This is no coverup sham
    operation) he *did* come through in other areas.  In sum, he came out
    the victor.  Barely.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    BTW - I'm still waiting for your address so I can mail the shirt
          *pronto*.  The thing stinkin' up my office!
    

    
    
    I want to see a_analcess of those bonus points that Dan
    shnookered.
    
    Fraud!  
    
    
    Charlie
    
    P.S.  how could Bob Hunt's .2 make the sweet sixteen?  

>VAXWRK::NEEDLE "Money talks. Mine says "Good Bye!"    0 lines  26-JAN-1990 14:48
>                -< Enter it and say SET NOTE/NOTE_ID=110.300. >-
    
    
    I tried this.  Was gonna announce the winner myself a few replies
    early!  heh heh heh...
    
    But it's not supported in this conference.
    
    
    Charlie
    (Rosebud was his sled)
    

    110.101 holds the key for Dan's bonus points.  The rest of you coulda
    picked up on 'em.  Matter of fact, if Doug's "P" letter had been a
    different ballplayer than Phil Ford (who I obviously love deeply. 
    Coulda used him for "F") he would've won hands down.
    
    Hunt's Final 16 appearance highlights my incredible Objectivity in this
    affair.  Here's a guy who hates UNC with all his heart and soul.  Yet I
    still judged him fairly.  
    
    How can you guys even imply that the winner wasn't selected fairly,
    with the highest integrity.  
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

Wow...

Come back from vacation only to find yet another foul propagated by
the ACC support group.

The Path of Onan leads only to blindness, and now we have seen upon
whose eyes the scales now rest. This whole dispicable, septic
affair can only be the work of the true Antichrist himself, the
Rev' Smif'.  

Dragged down into the sordid depth of depravation, sucked lower and
lower into the sesspool of the Dean Dome, the true Gateway to Hell.

What demonspawn have issued forth, to corrupt and possess otherwise
normal people?  

Foul, I cry unto Thee, Foul!  

How far from the Pantheon, the True Light, can one stray and still
be considered human?

Fie on it!  Fie....

To be duped by a DAN-tesque parody of sane and rational thought....to
be duped by the most Onanesque Note of the Century...


Hang on JD, make some room on that Pantheonic Bandwagon for me!!!!!

	"Hey, Doug, you just lost the ACC Give-away contest.  What
	 are you going to do now?"


	"I'm going to the game anyway!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA (tm)

Now *this* is what I call a note!
    
    

>Hang on JD, make some room on that Pantheonic Bandwagon for me!!!!!
    
    What bandwagon is that?  The one for DEC's worst defensive backs? 
    Better save room for Dr. Midnight in that case.
    
    Dan

    Just as I thought.  MrT makes a scant reference to "proof" and runs
    away without offering even the scent of real evidence.  My character is
    being assassinated here and I have no intention of standing idly by to
    watch it happen.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

>         <<< Note 110.323 by RHETT::KNORR "Objective Contest Judge" >>>
>                -< Why, I oughta sue!  (And I just might ...) >-

Uh, Chris... I'd quit while I was [sic] ahead; y'know what I mean, Vern?

re Onan of SPORTS...

	No, I hardly think we're part of DEC's worst defensive backs.

	Course I'm sure even Elway could have completed a few if his
	receivers had 50 yard end zone to work in ;^)

	No, we're talking about the bandwagon of the Few, The Proud,
	the Followers of the Light.   Many are called, few are
	chosen, and those of us found worthy know that the needs
	of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one, and
	live for the greater glory of mankind.   We of the Light
	seldom use the word I, or extol our own virtues....

Oh, but Dan, if you get a chance, seek out Johnny Most and get his
autograph for me.....;^)

later,
'Saw

    T, you're wasting your time in this note.  Why don't you move up 5
    notes and spend a little time trying to convince us some more about how
    great the Bronks are and how "horseface" is a wimp........
    
    :-)
    
    Hawk

No Hawk, T is right on on this one.  I can smell a fix...

Just call Mr T "Bob Woodward"....

This scandal will make Watergate look like child's play, and tarnish
the already seedy (thanks for the adjective T) name of
DeanDomeRevSmifUNCACCChris forever....

Fix, fix, fix!!!!

    Until I hear about the evidence my lawyer(s) have advised me not to
    comment.
    
    This is in no way an admission of guilt, but just another example of
    how today's liberal press operates.  The accusations make Page 1.  The
    rebuttals are buried in the Metro Section (if at all).  
    
    :^(
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    Chris,
    
    Just look at the w(h)inning entry.  A fix is easy to spot.  Dan?
    His note is full of it.  So, he picked Air Jorday with the #1 pick
    in the Rotis. Hoop league - not exactly going out a limb, was it
    Chris?  After all, at the time of draft, there were 5 players worthy
    of being #1 pick - Air, Magic, Bird, Akeem and the Mailman.  And
    I believe those were the top 5 picks...
    
    He talks about defending Worthy - big deal - I've been defending
    Worthy just as long...he talks about Sam Perkins =- talk about
    reaching!  That was the funny part of dan's "Ode to Myself".
    
    Chris, face it.  You screwed up.  You chose the predetermined winner.
    A real contest, like MrT's, wouldn't do such a thang.
    
    Sarge

1918 -- Black Sox Scandal

1929 -- Stock Market Crash

1939 -- Hitler Invades Poland

1972 -- Watergate

1989 -- Pete Rose Debacle

1990 -- ACC :== A Crooked Contest(tm)

Will this be a good loss in court?

TTom

    Why wait til February 12th???  If you have anything substantial, post
    it now and let the trial begin.  It'll be a quick one, once the jury
    realizes how little you've got.
    
    I'm innocent of these charges and look forward to complete exoneration
    from the SPORTS community.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    
    

    A trial requires a judge and jury, not just a prosecutor and defense
    attorney.
    
    Since it's obvious you're playing DA here to my Perry Mason we must
    have a mutually agreed upon judge and jury.
    
    Without these, I refuse to participate on the grounds I might get
    railroaded.
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    If it is a judge and jury you are after, then I will participate
    as part of the jury.  I strongly believe that truth, justice and
    chocolate covered ice cream cones are what every American strives
    to achieve.
    
    The Wizard

    	I think MrT has a few witnesses.  Crisp, this sham is worse
    than the fixed game shows of the 50's.  Repent now and T might go
    easy on you.
    
    				/Don

    
    
    Yo T, it's nice having you around again; be careful with those
    time stamps this time, eh?
    
    :-) :-)
    
    Charlie
    
    

ACC (A Crooked Contest) Chris --

Repent now...come to your senses and 'fess up'.

Really, we're all pretty reasonable people, who believe in forgiving
transgressions....

Don't let Sportsgate suck us down into the maelstrom of graft,
corruption, and behind the scenes "fixing" that has plagued governments
in the past.

Don't let us see you, squirming in the lights, sweat on your upper
lip, brow furrowed with worry, proclaiming weakly "I am not a crook".

'Fess up now, and save yourself, and SPORTS, the necessity of a trial.

Vengence is mine, sayeth all those wronged in the sham of a contest...

(And don't tell me now I coulda won....my paltry entry had far more
originality than the recycled, retread spuge ejaculated forth by
The Onan of SPORTS..., but it never stood a chance in light of the 
predetermined outcome of this sham of a contest!)

Chainsaw

    Chris is on a short vacation to Disney World and will be back next
    week, so y'all can either try him in absentia or wait for his return.
    
    John

>    Since it's obvious you're playing DA here to my Perry Mason ...

What's that about he who defends hisself?

TTom

Now, now folks....

Let's not get that lynch mob mentality.  We want this to be above
board, and clean (i.e. the total opposite of ACC's contest)...

That when, when justice is served, sentence passed (if a verdict of
guilty is turned in), and all is said and done, then we can sit
back and be satisified that we accomplished it all in the American
way of truth, justice and liberty (i.e. the total opposite of ACC's
contest)....

And, just as all crooks go underground when the heat comes around,
has anyone noticed we've heard naught of Dan Dan Onan of SPORTS lately...

Remember, revenge is sweeter if it's kinder and gentler....;^)
Chainsaw

    Thank you "O"Hendry, but I'm not quite gone yet.  I will be heading out
    this afternoon though so you're correct that a trial could not possibly
    start until next week, at the earliest.
    
    The only thing I've observed so far is Sour Grapes.  All you Contest
    losers moaning cause ya didn't win.  No evidence.  No facts.  No
    Objectivity.
    
    Blah!  
    
    I'm innocent of all charges and look forward to defending myself.
    
    
    - ACC Chris

ACC --

Just be thankful we aren't trying you the way they did it in 
Salem three hundred years ago....

	"Okay, puteth another stone on him"

	"Look, Goodman T, he yet survives"

	"Aye, that be the mark of a witch"

	"How so, Goodman T?"

	"If he dies, he is not a witch...if he survives, he is
	 surely the Devil's henchman..."

8^)
fw

PS  Enjoy Disneyworld...if you see Joe Montana, tell him all us noters
    said "Thanks!"

>    Chris is on a short vacation to Disney World and will be back next

	Funny, those tickets were charged to a "D.Schneider"... 

    GUILLOTINE!!!  GUILLOTINE!!!!  GUILLOTINE!!!!!
    
    NAZZ

>         <<< Note 110.352 by RHETT::KNORR "BenedictArnold,DougRoss" >>>
    
Ouch.    Unfair!  

    Your one of my star witnesses Nazz.  Standby next week.  You will be
    called to the stand!
    
    As for you Benedict Ross, the "Ouch!" is much more painful on my side,
    believe me.  Can't believe it.  Just cain't believe it.  Be prepared
    for a *tough* cross-examiniation after T gets through with you.  As far
    as I'm concerned, you're the key to his case.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    I fer one know that shady dealings did go on.  It's a fack (tm).
    
    THis is worsted thanthe Black Sox scandel!
    
    Sarge

< Note 110.358 by RIPPLE::DEVLIN_JO "Marcos,TheShah,Duvaler,Knorr" >

Or you could say:

		Leona Helmsly, Zsa Zsa, Robin "HUD"....



JD --

Because Dan is involved (i'm *sure*) we could compare it to the
"Teapot" Dome Scandal....
    

< Note 110.360 by AXIS::ROBICHAUD "ACC-AnotherCrookedContest" >
                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

/Don, that's good, but you cain't (tm) it.  Somewhere in here, earlier
(like monday?) I entered a note that mentioned ACC as "A Crooked Contest".

At best, we'd have to share the glory....8^)

Chainsaw

PS  I'll (tm) SPORTSgate right now though (I think it's mine...)

    
    

SPORTSgate....

And so it's come down to this.  Graft, corruption, cabalism (i love
that word) all perpatrated right here in OURGNG...

Picture this:

	Years in the future, the camera pans the crowd at a UNC
	basketball game.  The team, being coached by Rev Smif' Jr.,
	is still essentially the team it's always been...talent laden,
	underachieving, preferring a good loss to a champeenship...

	Up in the upper seats (the Uecker seats) of the infamous
	Gateway to Hell DeanDome, sits a whizzened old man, in
	a_overcoat, hunkered down in his seat on the aisle, seats
	empty next to him....

	As the camera focuses on him, the color commentator mentions
	that it was *him*, the main figure in the SPORTSgate scandal.
	Just then, as a mother and her young child start to walk down
	the aisle by the man's seat, the mother pulls her child away.
	Even she can feel the stigma...


After years in prison, finally being granted parole by the most
liberal of bleeding heart liberals, ACrookedChris sits by himself,
watching his beloved Star Heels, a broken man....

And that's the way it is...

Gee Mr T....

I'd like to believe that about Snuffy and all, but I have one
question.  If Snuffy ain't Old Scratch in disguise, then how come
he never wins any champeenships with all that talent?  I mean,
if you were Old Scratch (Ahriman, Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer) wouldn't
you want to squander your talent too?

And, seeing as I believe in the inate goodness of Man, wouldn't that
mean that ACC would have (at one point) been good?  If so, then
he would have turned bad, right?  And he did go to the Dean Dome....

Cain you enlighten me further?  What would the Pantheon say about
it?

An Enquiring mind...
'Saw

    > MrT(he Truth is Comming)
      
    I'm floorward !

All I will say on the matter for now is:

	"Follow the tickets"

Oh, you better watch out, you'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout I'm tellin' you why,
Mr Truth is coming to town.

He's writing his briefs, and checking them twice,
Habeus corpus, gawd ain't it nice,
Mr Truth is coming to town.

He litigates for Ev'ryMan, with the backing of the Pantheon,
With Truth and Light and Justice, until the case is won.

Oh, you better watch out, you'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout I'm tellin' you why,
Mr Truth is coming to town.

    > Plate-stacking candy a$$ ....
    
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!
    
       
    Bob, that was your best slam since you spoke at my defense rally
    at the Lincoln Memorial .... :-)
    ============================================
    
    By the way, I think my p-name sums it up.
    
    I would like to offer my services as judge for these proceedings.
    
    DrM

    I have more to give on this subject.  Just received my 'prize'.
    Talk about false-advertising!
    
    JD

Perhaps Mr Knorr could employ the same counsel as Manuel Noreiga.

Or the lawyer who defended the rapist who hacked off that girls
forearms...  or the lawyer who defended Zsa Zsa, or Leona, or
Jim "I'm on Hallugeons" Bakker....

Heck, maybe even Mickey Mouse.....

Hallugeonically yours,
Chainsaw

    
    Better go to another conference for your impartial jury (try ::Cooks
    or ::Crochet), because isn't it a prerequesite that the jurists
    have no prior knowledge of this case, such as would have been obtained
    by reading this conference?  Could anyone in in here be impartial
    enough?
    
    Suggestion:  Get the jury from ::Beer, as this would be the most
    likely place for a jury of one's pee-ers.
    
    -Dick
     

    After you uncover the fraud and expose the crime, the appropriate
    punishment would have to be making ACC Chris watch the videotape replay
    of last night's UNC-Ga. Tech game 12 times a day for fifty years, or
    until UNC wins the NCAA Tournament.
    
    Chris

re The Jury --

Actually, I think ACC Chris will probably request a change of venue,
probably to the Naturalism conference, in the hopes that folks in there
are up front and have nothing to hide.

In addition, no prior knowledge isn't quite the right prerequisite.
Jury selection usually involves picking people who have no preconceived
notions about the case.  Everyone in CT knew about the Richard Crafts
"I think I'll kill my wife and put her through a" Woodchipper Case, but
there were some people who didnt' have any preconceived notions.

(In fact, I kinda had to hand it to the guy for his ingenuity...8^)
NO, I'm *JUST* kidding!!!!

Anyway, we should be able to find a jury in here...either here or in
WWF::WRESTLING ;^)

Let's get this trial rolling!  

Chainsaw

PS  I've made arrangements for the hearing to be covered on ESPNspan

I move we start the trial ASAP after ACC Cyst comes back from WallyWorld.

I'd start sooner, but my rock solid belief in our system of Justice
won't let me suggest that....  (he's lucky we presume *innocence* until
proven guilty)...

Chainsaw

I'll give you a motion...

I think in the interest of fairness that the protending prosecutor, Mr T,
be removed on the basis that he is so clearly blinded by vendetta that
his true talents cannot be used effectively. How about 

	WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION!

You've seen the flick: MrT show up in court with that sultry look and
long legs and secretly confesses that he may or may not have been married
to Chris "I only wanted the tickets", he sobs. And then with baited
breath, we all hang on his words as the charges flow out.

I think it should be good enough to run the serial in USA Today.

TTom

Jessica Rabbit, Kelly Bundy, MrT????!!!!

Never!

    	MrT is the only one of us in SPORTS that's honest enough to
    do a fair and impartial job!  God bless you MrT!
    
    				/Don

    
    "From the producers who brought you the riveting courtroom dramas
    THE CASE OF BABY M and KRAMER VS KRAMER, now comes the TNT network
    premier of:
    
                 "SPORTSGATE:  POT VS KETTLE"
    
    ...Starring Willard Scott as ACC Cyst, and Mr. T as Mr. T."
    
    Miniseries begins 12 Feb, check your local listings for details.
    
    -Dick
    

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one
People to remove themselves from the graft, corruption, and cabalism
that is propagated by one among them, it behooves the People to 
choose wisely the man who would prosecute the accused.

For what gaineth a man, if he should obtain Celtics tickets for
perverse favors obscured from the Light of the One (T)rue Way,
and yet lose the respect of his fellow noters?  Thus, I say unto
you, if your eye offendeth thee, then pluck it out.  If your
hand offendeth thee, then chop it off.  If your filberts offendeth
thee, then emasculate thyself.  If your head offendeth thee, then
cleave it in two, lest it causeth the loss of respect of your
fellow noters.

Therefore, we, the People of the OURGNG Sports Conference, in order
to form a more perfect Prosecution, do hereby and forthwith, select,
retain, and otherwise choose, Mr T to prosecute the case of the
People vs. ACC Chris.

So, it is written, so it shall be done...

    I say just let the bailiff whacketh his pee-pee a few times.......
    
    Hawk

Yes, I did rollover a little (but I didn't wiggle too much ;^))

I think we should also nominate Phil Rizzuto, the Money Wh***, uh,
er, of the Money Store to be ACC's defense lawyer.  Considering
who "won" the tickets, that would be a fitting choice....


'Saw

	Since this trial will take place in a Colorado venue, due to the
location of Sports, I feel it incumbent upon me to step forward as a volunteer
for Jury Duty. (By the way, who's paying the mileage)

	I've been both shocked and saddened by the cries for blood which have
emanated from this topic. `Kill Him!', `Castrate him!', `Pistol Whip him!`,
`Guillotine Him!', `Hang Him!' `Whack his Pee Pee!'.

	Are we not men? (and a few women?)

	Is this not Bolivia?

	(Its not!!!!!!)

	Uh.... never miiiind.

	DAMMIT!! I say, ACC Crisp has a right to a fair trial!!
		THEN we'll hang him.

Fair is as fair does.
Mike `The Just' JN

    "All Rise."
    
    "This courtroom is now in session."
    
    "We are here to discuss the matter of The Citizens of OURGNG::SPORTS
    vs. ACC Chris Knorr.  The charges brought to the court by Assistant
    District Attorney T against Mr. Knorr are Indecent Extrapolation, Wire
    Fraud and Cabalism.  I have here in my hands a deposition from Mr.
    Knorr with a plea of Not Guilty.
    
    "As this trial is ready to commence, ADA-T has found himself unprepared
    and asked for a continuance until Tuesday, February 6.  That
    continuance has been granted pending approcal of Mr. Knorr's
    representative.
    
    "Court adjourned."
    
    "All Rise."
    
    Judge Wapner
               

    "ADA-T?"
    
    "Your suggestion that a suitable jury of peers be chosen from the
    football notes is noted and adopted.  Beginning on Monday, February 5,
    1990,  I will preside over jury selection.  Yet, in the interests of
    fairness, the defendant and his representative must also agree to the
    jurors.  I will give each side in this unseamly case 2 vetoes.
    
    "But, I caution you, Mr. Knorr's representative, I will not let jury
    selection be turned into a political process.  Any vetoes will be
    scrutinized solely on the basis of the issues of this case.
    
    "ADA-T, your suggestion is both fair and appreciated by this official."
    
    Judge Wapner
    

Excuse me, your Honor...

I'd like to bring it to your attention that every court needs a bailiff.

Who shall we find to fill this important role?  We wouldn't want the
accused trying to make a break for it...

Chainsaw

    "Quite right, Mr. Saw."
    
    "A suitable bailiff must be sought, one with appropriate qualifications. 
    Mr. Szabo seems to have some progressive ideas on proper bailiff
    techniques.  Is he able to perform this task?
    
    "As for the defendant attempting to escape, being that this is Mr.
    Knorr's first time before the bench, with ADA-T's approval I will
    advise that there is no need to place Mr. Knorr in shackles.  He will
    be released on his own recognizance."
    
    Judge Wapner
    

    
    Need a juror?  Character witnesses?  Here's my card.
    
                           COURTS 'R' US           
    
                      Specializing in Testimony for
                         Plaintiff or Defendant
                                       
                     Courtroom experience since 1971.
                     
                 We're the best money can buy. 1-800-BUY_LIES
    
    -Dick
    

I'd like to represent ACC Chris.   I think he's being railroaded
here... by a mean-spirited,  short-fingered, vulgarian by the name 
of MrT(rump).

I would point out that the posting of electronic mail without the
permission of the sender is a violation of Digital Policies & Procedures.
I would also point out that any evidence which is simply presented as
a "copy of a mail message" could easily be forged.  Burden of proof
in such cases goes to the prosecutor.  

Is there a rule against a lawyer testifying against his client?

As a citizen of OURGNG::SPORTS, I feel it is my civic responsiblity to
put myself into the jury pool.  I am a staunch believer in truth, justice,
and the American way.  The national anthem brings a tear to my eye, even
when that boob who "sings" before the Bruins games renders his ear-
wrenching version ;-).  If a crime has been perpetrated, I believe in the
stiffest penalty the law has to offer (can we consider this a capital 
offense?).  If he is guilty, he will swing.   By the same token, the
American system of justice dicatates that no man shall be punished without
a fair trial in front of a jury of his peers.  This man shall not be convicted
on heresay, rumors, and gossip.

I did not enter this contest, and have never been connected with said defendant,
couldn't care less about a basketball team from North Carolina or its so-called
coach, and am only interested in seeing law and order maintained in our 
neighborhoods, therefore making it a safer place for our young children.


Faithfully submitted,

Scott P. Wentzell
An annoymous member of the community

    
    
     AS A NON-PARTICIPANT IN THE ALLEGED CONTEST,
     NOR AS AN INDIVIDUAL WITH A VESTED INTEREST
    IN ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED DISPUTES,
    PLUS HAVING AN EXTENSIVE BACKGROUND IN ...LAW
    
    AND 
    
    HAVING DISPLAYED OVER THE LAST 2 YEARS AN UNBIASED
    STANCE ON MANY POTENTIALLY CONTRAVERSIAL ISSUES,
    I SUBMIT MY NAME FOR CONSIDERATION
    
    
    
    AS
    
    		de  	JUDGE	!!!!!
    
    
    
    Since I am, nor have been known, by most members of JNA,
    I feel that that justice can best be served by having a
    mostly_RON individual determine the appropriatness of the
    content and comments of both parties be responsible for 
    what is admissable.
    
    If we are to emulate the time honored and venerable pratice
    of the  UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, judges must be elected!!!!!
    
    What say you?  Dost thou wish to have an election for Judge of the
    impending trial?
    
    

re: .402, MrT

If I'm speakin for Knorr, he's doomed. To put it on record, I think his
weakest point is the selection that he made, and in his own, let's say,
peculiar fashion by which he arrived at his decision. 

Instead, I say, let the preceedings begin. Put the filberts on the line,
yours against his, may the best man keep his.

TTom

    I'd be most honored to accept the role as bailiff for this event.  My
    pee-pee whacking silver tablespoon is polished and ready for use.
    
    I am proud to be a_'Merican in times like these.......
    
    
    Hawk, Bailiff Extraordinaire

       Anybody got any string?
                                 Denny

    Denny, maybe Hoot will donate his filbert strap for a week or so.....
    
    Hawk

Personally, I think that this trial is exackly(tm) what's called for
in this case.

We entered into this contest fully expecting it to be fair, square and
above board.  That's not what we received.  Instead, we were all duped
into a charade (the TRUE charade of 110 is the contest, not the trial)
and led astray....complete innocents brutally duped by a most heinous
crime of fraud.

True, there is always Caveat Emptor, but quite honestly, who, as a
member of the SPORTS family, would have expected the raw, unmitigated
brutal results....

Nay, I say, the charade here is the *contest*....any bantering or
debating outside of the trial is just obfuscation....

JMHO,
Chainsaw

    "All Rise.  The courtroom is now in session.  Judge Wapner presiding." 

    "With regard to the matter of Mr. Ross representing Mr. Knorr in the
    matter of SPORTS vs. Knorr, I have considered ADA-T's objection. 
    Pending Mr. Knorr's approval, I will allow Mr. Ross to conduct himself
    as defending attorney in this case, yet ADA-T will be able to examine
    Mr. Ross and Mr. Knorr himself, or perhaps a junior partner can perform
    the cross-examination. 

    "If Mr. Knorr can be persuaded to appear tomorrow, he can make his
    decision concerning his representation and the trial can commence
    immediately.

    "Alas, ADA-T, I have no control over the behavior of the public, of
    which Mr. Hunt is a part.  I suggest, perhaps, a visit from Bailiff
    Szabo is in order.  The fairness of the decisions of this appointed
    official will speak for itself, notwithstanding Mr. Hunt's open
    condemnation of the American system."

    Judge Wapner

To add a little levity to these proceeding (and perhaps to get
more of a rise out of everyone)...

This reminds me of a Shoe cartoon I saw in the paper a while ago.
Shoe and one of his buddies are going to watch TV.  Shoe asks
his buddy what's on.  His buddy replies, "Oh, the People's Courtroom
sounds good tonight.  Sez here Judge Wapner gets testy and sends
a jaywalker to the chair!"


heh, heh, heh, heh...
Chainsaw

"And then in the third age, the age of the McKittrick replicants,
the Destructor came in the form of a Giant Slor.  Many Shuvs and
Zuls were roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell
you...."

    
    No matter what happens this has turned out to be a great note. I just
    wish we could have the trial at the BULL....
    
    thanks Chris, T and Bob...
    
    hahhahaaaa
    
    mike

    >No, what you doing is applying your peculiar brand of right-wing,
    >Reaganesque "media-justice".  That is, you make a condemning
    >charge loud and clear for all to hear and then you place the
    >so-called defendant at the mercy of the mob to decide if he's
    >guilty or not.  All without a single shred of evidence.   Wonder
    >if Gary Hart or Joe Biden would recognize what you're doing ???

    >Joe McCarthy would be proud of you, T.   "Tail-Gunner T", that's
    >our man.

You're quite right, Bob.  I was T's "victim" of these tactics many times
over.  It wasn't always easy to stand my ground in the face of the
blank pages he kept waving under the noter's noses, yet didn't hold
still long enough for anyone to read.  And now *he's* a prosecutor?!?

As star witness, I must say this "legal" system that T is imposing is a
real stomach churner.  He kept sending me mail messages offering 
favorable rotisserie trades for a condemnation of Chris, even if I 
had to fabricate one!  I wonder what the jury would think of that?
And has anyone made sure that T hasn't tried any similar 
chicanery with the jury?  After the way he Noriega-ed his own
contest, I wouldn't put anything past him.

In fact, we should've had a pre-trial to see if they've even got a
case against ACC Chris.  My guess is that they don't.  I know I won
that thing on the up and up.

Dan

    	T, better cover up that plate stackin' butt!  This is a family
    conference.
    
    				/Don

>Oh there is evidence.  In fack, there is a veritable cornucopia of
>plethoras of evidence....

You've got nuttin'.  In fact, there's a multitude of reasons to think that
the contest judging was done with a superfluity of honesty.

>PS Dan, how was the (tainted) game?  Did you see Johnny Most?

This week.

Dan

...Bailiff, do your worst to MrT's necked peepee!

Yes, MrT, you charged me with all sorts of wrong-doing, but it was
just a cloak of obfuscation to hide your own dirty work.

And now you tried to by me as a witness.  I hope the defending
attorney is listening...

Dan

    "The Honorable Judge Wapner wants to know more about Roxette, the
    Canuck Minx and the tub of Mazola oil.  Otherwise, he is aghast!
    
    "The court wishes to thank Mr. Johnston for uncovering this fiendish
    plot and letting justice take it's course."
    
    Judge Wapner

    Dream on, T, dream on.
                                                 
    This is, by far and away, the absolute biggest "mountain" out of
    the all-time smallest "molehill" that you've ever made.  And,
    believe me, you've created some whopper mountains before.
    
    I will graciously admit to wasting some of my (and Digital's) very
    precious and valuable time trying to convince you that you're
    perverting the judicial system.
    
    It's become obvious to me that you have no intention of ever
    bending your own stubborn and hard-as-steel convictions that you
    and you alone are always right and that everyone else is wrong.
    
    It's become obvious to me that you have no intention of ever
    allowing anyone to chip away at that Berlin Wall in your haid that
    you call your "facks" and that everyone else calls your "opinion".
    
    It's become obvious to me that you have an incredibly elastic
    memory that compels you to remember past events and deeds in such
    wild and twisted convolutions in such a way that your amazingly
    one-sided recall of the past is the *only* one that matters.
    
    I concede, T, that this so-called "trial" of yours is the only way
    for you to waste enough of your own precious time trying to
    convince yourself of the beauty of your own masterpieces.
    
    Personally, I wish you'd get back to work.  The stock price is low
    enough as it is.
    
    And put some clothes on.
    
    Bob Hunt                                                       

                The witness is browbeating the prosecutuion!!


Mike JN

    By the time the "trial" finally occurs, the winner will have gone
    to the game and the issue will be moot to a certain extent.  
    
    John

    
    Hell, ACC can give the tickets to whoever he wants. They were
    his originally anyway.
    
    Bull
    

I disagree.

Any time in this great land of ours, when innocent people are duped and
psychologically raped, it's never a moot point.  When some indecent crook
commits mail fraud, and bilks people out of their hard earned cash and
savings, the point doesn't become moot.  And the statute of limitations
is not just around the corner either.

What we have here is a clear case of intentional deceit.

People entered a contest for tickets.  Some of the people may or may
not have been Celtics fans, that really doesn't matter.  How often
does one get a chance to see a professional sporting event from the
press box?  I never have, and that's why the offer appealed to me.
In fack, the only thing I ever would have enjoyed more, would have
been a press pass to the end line where I could take photos.

But anyway, never expecting to win, even in an honest, fair and above
board contest, since I don't know much abou UNC or J.R Reid's big butt,
I still made a honest effort to at least make a few people laugh.

But, the whole time the thing was fixed.  Leaving my entry completely
out of it, there is no rational way that the spuge ejaculated by
Onan Dan could have beaten some of the finer entries.

On the bottom line, you have a situation where people entered into a 
contest (contract, really) in good faith.  The spirit of that faith
was broken by underhanded, behind the scenes deceit.


Yes (I think it was Dick who asked) some of us are taking this very
seriously.  Nexted thing you know, it could be something that hits
us closer to home.....


And all this ca-ca about the 32 point must system and T's qualifications
to prosecute, and lack of evidence (HAHAHAHAHAHA) are sheer obfuscation,
and should not be tolerated....

Most patriotically,
Chainsaw

       After some very minor investigative work it was simple to figure
    out the true identity of our 'Judge Wapner'. I am now mulling over
    whether I should expose him here and now. I'm sure others have also
    learned or figgered out his identity. 
                              Denny

    
    Cain't be T...
    
    Wapner incorrectly used "it's" instead of "its" a 
    few notes back.  T'd never do that.
    
    
    Charlie (attendee at the Apostrophe Policeperson's Ball)

       If this 'judge' is allowed to oversee this 'trial' it will be
    an even bigger travesty than the contest itself!
                                         Denny

In the interim, if we cain't have that scudder ACC testify, maybe we
cain have Stevie Ray Vaughn do some testifyin'....

	"If the house is a-rockin', don't bother knockin'...."

Okay, that was cool...

Now maybe we can watch some of "Wayne's World"...

	Okay, okay UNECESSARY ZOOM!!!!!... The cool word for this
	year, according to Rick the Cool Seninor [who looks suprisingly
	like Bruce Willis ed.] is SPHINCTER....SPHINCTER....	


Okay, now back to your regularly scheduled trial...that is if the
defend-ANT will show up!!!!

I think someone should move for contempt!!!!!!

Chainsaw

This "trial" is nothing more than a witch hunt.  I'm an innocent man about
to be sent down the river.  

And why?  Because a defeated and humiliated rival has had life breathed into 
him (ironically by myself) and is using my Honest and Fair Contest as a 
spring board to seek his revenge.

He's cleverly manipulated the masses into believing an injustice 
has been done, using "sour grapes" as a driving motivation.  Rather than 
accepting defeat like Men, these losers are jumping on the T-bandwagon of 
deceipt, corruption, lies, more lies, propaganda, and injustice.  This 
lynching gang won't be satisfied until I've been exiled from SPORTS.  "Let 
Truth be damned!" is their battle cry.

It's sad, but unfortunately history is chalk-full of these kinds of mob-rule 
events.  OURGNG::SPORTS will no doubt be another chapter that historians 
will look back on with sadness.

My chances of getting a fair trial in here are slim and none.  Manny Noriega's
chances look *good* compared to mine.  And yet I will persevere.  I will
defend myself with every ounce of fortitude I possess.  I've no doubt
what the verdict will be.  Heck, I'm surprised ya's haven't pulled the
switch already, while I was on R&R.  

It won't be pretty in here.  Like some of the rides at Disney World, I'd
like to suggest that some of you may not want to stick around.  All dirty
laundry will be aired, so those of weak heart may just want to hit
"KEYPAD ," when a dozen or so new revelations pop up in 110.

In sum, I'm proud of this Contest.  I'm proud of the winner (singular), Dan
Schneider.  I'm proud of the kind jesture he made to invite the 2nd place
finisher to attend the game with him.  He handled it like the true Carolina
fan he is.  Namely, with class.

Once again, I'm innocent and hope to prove as much during this trial.  And
if I'm unsuccessful and mob injustice rules, it's been nice knowin' 
ya.  My only goal is to handle this whole affair in a fashion that would
make Dean proud.

Regards,

- ACC Chris
    

SPORTSgate(tm):

	What did I tell you sports fans.  Two weeks ago I pleaded
	with ACC Chris to 'fess up.  No dice.

	Now, now we are denegrated to the level of watching him
	stand here, sweat beading up on his upper lip, brow furrown
	in frustration, as he proclaims "I am not a crook"...

	Who says that history does not repeat itself....



And that's the way it is...
Chainsaw

    BTW - I'd like to thank Mr.Ross for offering to defend me (and
     	  of course you, Judge Wapner, for going along with this questionable
          development), but this is no time to put the Blue Team out there.
    
    	
    I'LL BE DEFENDING MYSELF.
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

    Okay, let's see now ...
    
    The man goes away on a family vacation for a week.  And what
    happens ???
    
    During this time, Tail Gunner T tries to decide who Soup's lawyer
    will be.   Never mind the fact that Soup has the right to choose
    his own counsel.
    
    Then Tail Gunner T engages us all in another highly amusing though
    disk space consuming novella filled with his usual "I cain't this
    and I cain't that" drivel peppered liberally with Tail Gunner T's
    own peculiar view of his slant on "history", not to mention T's
    constant empty claims that he's got the evidence.   Nothing like a
    prejudiced jury, is there, TGT ???
    
    The rest of you haven't even figured out what's going on here. 
    Tail Gunner T started this so-called trial of his *LAST* week. 
    All of this "notular flatulence" of his *IS* his opening
    and closing arguments.   He keeps waving his portfolio of
    "evidence" around so often and so convincingly that you all think
    he's got an open-and-shut case already.
    
    Hell, he's even been making motions and filing objections with
    this highly suspicious "Judge Wapner" already.  I mean, how
    convenient that this HUAXIA::WAPNER person should show up all of a
    sudden.  Anybody checked a DEC telephone directory lately ??? 
    There is no employee named WAPNER listed in the DEC phone book, 
    How about the VTX-based Employee Locater Facility (ELF) ??? 
    Sorry, no one named WAPNER in there, either.  Is this another of
    Tail Gunner's "innocent college pranks" ???
    
    All in Soup's absence !!!   Now I axe you, the fine noters, is
    this a fair trial ???    Or is this something out of the "Third
    Reich Law Review" ???   Is this another chapter out of the
    "Australian Marsupial Guide To Legal Proceedings" ???  Are we
    looking at the all-time example of the "Amtrak Proceedings" ???
    
    He wants to know where the "defendant" is ...
    
    But, I axe you folks, has it occurred to Tail Gunner T that,
    maybe, just maybe, the Soupster is at this very minute wading
    through all of Tail Gunner T's verbosity of the last few days just 
    so he can get current on this note ???
    
    Has it occurred to Tail Gunner T that Soup could be trying to
    round up some legal counsel for this farce ???
    
    I say to you, my bretheren, that none of these things have
    occurred to Tail Gunner T because these seemingly mundane
    trivialities stand in the way of Tail Gunner's already
    pre-determined guilty verdict that he has *ALREADY* presented
    before you.
    
    All together, now boys and girls ...
    
                   *** CHOO, CHOO, CHOO, CHOO ***
    
                     *** HOP, HOP, HOP, HOP ***
    
            *** DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND, UBER ALLES ***
    
    Round 'em up, Tail Gunner T.   That's right, railroad him right
    through your little kangaroo court and send him on his merry way
    to the little Dachau that you have planned for him.
    
    A sad thing to see justice so brazenly abused and to see you all
    so willfully duped ...
                                               
    Bob Hunt

    	Hey Bob, I just went to lunch with Wapner.  Nice guy.  Seems
    fair.  Didn't drink either.
    
    				/Don

< Note 110.462 by AXIS::ROBICHAUD "TonyEason,LannyPoffo,BoyGeorge,'Saw" >
                                   ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Oh yeah????  OH YEAH?????!!!!!

Well, so's your old man....8^P

Try this:

	ZsaZsa,LeonaHelmsley,TammyFaye,/Don!!!!

    "All rise!  The courtroom is now in session.  The honorable Justice
    Wapner presiding."  ["Where's that pesky bailiff?  He's supposed to say
    that.  Probably still helping Mr. Johnston with the three bimbettes in
    the backroom...]
    
    "As the appointed official with jurisdiction over OURGNG::SPORTS, where
    the case of the Citizens of SPORTS, represented by ADA-T, against ACC
    Knorr in the matter of the allegedly crooked contest, I find myself
    deeply offended by the disparaging remarks made in the press cast in my
    direction.
    
    "In all my years in this circuit, I have endeavored to be fair to all
    parties within the constraints of the law.  If any prior verdicts on my
    part can be found which can be pointed to as seemingly slanted, let
    them be pointed out.  Otherwise, the court asks the press and public to
    cease and desist with the allegations of impropriety from this bench.
    
    "Now if someone can fish out Bailiff Szabo, perhaps we can commence
    with the trial."
    
    Judge Wapner

    > insane
    
    Judge, please ask ADA-T to provide even the barest shred of proof that
    I'm not fit to defend myself.  Indeed, my mind is even clearer than
    usual, having just returned from a relaxing vacation (made possible
    by my ignorance of the lynching being constructed in my absense).
    
    
    > once the damaging testimony ...
    
    Typical T-tactic, ADA-T.  I do believe that little ole document called
    the Constitution contains some text relating to the fact that I'm
    offered the opportunity for a Defense?!
    
    The issue of jury selection vs. vote is critical.  I have no objection
    to either, but if it's gonna be a jury I demand veto power.
    
    Finally, here's a list of defense witnesses I'll be calling, in
    addition to my cross-examination of the individuals mentioned by the
    prosection:
    
    Frank Way
    John Hendry
    Steve Nazzaro
    Tom Shaughnessy
    
    Also, I'll be wanting to bring up some serious counter-charges against my
    last witness.  Charges that should break this case *wide* open, Perry
    Mason style.
    
    Could you please, Judge, advise me of the best possible way to
    handle this, since I'm no ambulance-chasing lawyer, but just a
    humble software specialist trying to eak out a living for my wife and
    (cute) child?
    
    
    Thank you, Judge.
    
    - Chris
    	
    
    

Judge WAPNER may I say something to the waiting throng?


As the slighted 3rd place (on an obviously winning entry) finisher I humbly ask 
that this trial commence and the verdict be returned by the voting populace of
OURGNG::SPORTS.

Thank you for leeting me speak my piece. I'll refrain from shouting out and
try to keep my comments regarding Dan Schnieder's Flatulence of a "winning" 
entry to myself.

Let the real WINNING (if this wasn't a crooked contest) entry be proven.

Let the trial begin....

Metz

We hear you Metz...

Considering that my paltry entry was far below that of yours, JD's, and
even T's (throbbing and knobby was GREAT), I agree with you.

The originality displayed in all three cases was by far and away greater
than that which was ejaculated by Onan onto the scene....

Let the trial commence, let justice decide, let Freedom ring!

    "In re: the motions before this court."
    
    "ADA-T, it is not under the jurisdiction of this court to declare Mr.
    Knorr insane.  If you should choose to pursue this avenue and not let
    Mr. Knorr defend himself, it will delay these proceeding for weeks on
    end.  It is the court's advise that the ADA accept Mr. Knorr's self
    defense.
    
    "Mr. Knorr, while you have taken your defense upon yourself, the court
    must caution to you that it won't tolerate any disrespect of its rules
    and traditions.  In the court, as in the law, ignorance is no excuse."
    
    "With regard to our jurists, obviously no one who participated in the
    contest could be a jurist, nor the prosecution, nor the defense, nor
    any witnesses.  The court will propose that the following be selected
    among for the jury of this case.  They have been chosen based on their
    qualifications as expressed in this note.
    
    "Messrs. Johnston, Partee, Hamel, Childs, Farley, Wentzell, Haas, 
    Brooks.
    
    "Six of these men will come to the decision; the other two will be
    alternates.  In the even of a hung jury, the court's own decision will
    be final.  There will be no badgering of these fine men by either
    attorney, either in or out of the courtroom.
    
    "If either party would like a jurist to be removed let him speak now
    with both name and reason.
    
    "The jury is hereby instructed to listen carefully to these proceedings
    as a matter of grave repercussions is being decided.  The jury must
    also listen to my words of caution as the trial runs its course.  Not
    all material presented will necessarily be suitable for you to consider
    in rendering a decision.
    
    "Order in the court!  This courtroom is now in session!  Let jury
    selection begin."
    
    Judge Wapner
    
    

    	Childs is a witness judge.  Wake up!
    
    				/Don

    I have no objections to the mentioned jurists.  I would, however, like
    some clarification for *YOU*, your honor.  Namely, given the fact that
    Mr.Hunt has pointed out there is no Wapner in ELF or the DEC phone
    book, we can only presume that you go by another name.  I think my
    client (myself) has a right to know what that name is.
    
    Once you've been identified, your honor, ADA-T can commence with his 
    opening argument, and I'll follow with mine.
    
    - Chris
    
    

	WRITE-LOCKED - Until the Identity of Wapner is revealed...

Jim M

	OK, I received a satisfactory response.

	Let the lynch... oops I meant the trial, resume..

	Jim M

    Rather than hold this lynching, I mean trial up, any longer, I'm no
    longer requiring the identity of the judge to be a condition of
    beginning this thing.
    
    Judge Wapner, whoever you are, my prayer is you'll grant me a fair
    shake.
    
    Regards,
    
    - Chris

I wouldn't worry Chris.

After all, we're all pretty much men of honor in here, even if we
do sometime go to extremes.  

As long as Judge Wapner works for DEC, well, he'll know to:

		"Do the Right Thing"

Chainsaw

    {Bang!!  Bang!!  Bang!!!}
    
    "ADA-T pending your approval of the selection of jurists, you may
    begin with your opening arguments."
    
    Judge Wapner

    
    You sure you want a juror who's already 'hung'?
    
    -Dick
    

(insert the sight of ACC Chris approaching the jury looking *EXACTLY*
 like legendary basketball coach Dean Smith.  Dean has a tired look
 on his face, no doubt the result of hours of pouring over contest 
 entries, notes, personal interviews, and law books, as he chews nervously 
 on his nicotine gum)

"Gentlemen of the jury, before I make my opening remarks I'd like to
 clarify my appearance.  For, while technically ACC Chris is defending
 himself in this trial, I, Dean Smith, legend, will be speaking on his
 behalf.  Technically, we are one and the same.  But for the sake of
 clarity we'll henceforth be defined as 2 seperate individuals.

What we have before us is very simple.  My client was in possession of
2 basketball passes, which were won fairly and honestly.  We'll introduce
testimony to this effect.  In sum (and here Dean's gravel-voice rises in
pitch, almost to the point it was when he blasted Coach K last year for
yelling insults at Scott Williams):

THEY WERE ACC CHRIS' TICKETS AND HE COULD DO WHATEVER HE WANTED WITH 'EM. 

My client stated the rules clearly in the base note of the contest.  They
were simple.  They were fair.  And yes, they were subjective.  If I may
quote from 110.0: 

"Next, since I was the true winner, I figured the most logical thing to
do was to let someone attend who most closely resembles me, at least as
far as fandom is concerned."

Simple enough.  The goal of the whole darn thing was to find someone
who most closely emulated my client.  Plain and simple.  As the Contest's
only judge, the determination of who the lucky "clone" would be was 
his and his alone.

In subsequent notes and Contest addendums, the actual formula for determining
the winner was posted.  The BobHunt 64 Point Must System (tm) was stated
plainly, for all to see.  But to conclude that because there is a 
"formula" for determining the winner that this is a sterile "objective"
event is to not understand the spirit of the Contest.  This is not the sort
of formula you can program a computer to solve!  My client wanted a clone
of himself.  It was up to him to determine who that person was,
based on the available entries.  He did so in the fairest means he felt
possible, even opening himself up to ridicule by posting the formula results 
for the Final 4.  In retrospect, this is the only regret my client has.
That he was too objective.  Too fair.  Too honest.  

Objectively speaking we will prove that ACC Chris did everything humanly
possible to fairly judge this contest.  The fact that such anti-Carolina
notes as the entries by MrT and BobHunt made it so far in the Contest
proves this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Sit back gentlemen, and listen to the 
evidence.  Do not play Contest Judge, for that is not your appointed task.  
Instead, determine if the prosecution has sufficient evidence to *prove*
that the distribution process of said tickets (i.e. this Contest)
was in any way illegal.  If not, you have no choice but to declare a Not 
Guilty verdict.

Thank you.


(insert sound of hushed and duly impressed courtroom as Judge Wapner 
 bangs on his gavel, instructing the Prosecution to call its first witness)
    

    [ A din is heard in the courtroom.  The sounds of flashbulbs flashing,
    of pens scribbling, of papers turning, of jurors murmuring...  The
    gavel flashes.]
    
    <Bang!>  <Bang!!>  <BANG!!!> 
    
    "Order in the courtroom.  Order in the courtroom!  (Where's that damned
    bailiff already?)
    
    [ The honorable Judge Wapner gazes around the courtroom, letting his
    eyes wander from the defense, to the prosecution, to Roxette, the
    Canadian minx, to the jury, back to Roxette, and finally to ADA-T
    looking resplendent in his double-breasted suit. ]
    
    "ADA-T, if you're ready, call your first witness."
    
    [ A hush subdues the audience as ADA-T strolls confidently toward the
    juror's box. ]
    
    Judge Wapner

    
    Gawd, I can't wait for the TV miniseries of this one.  It's better
    than The People's Court, Divorce Court, and Benny Hill all rolled
    into one!
    
    -Dick
    

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

And as the contest's deserving winner for the best entry, I'm grateful
for this opportunity to come to the stand and bear my soul.

Dan

Murmurs from the Jury:

	Dammit Babs, not now!

	What'd they say??

	SHHHH!

	I'm the Foreman.

	No me!

	Me!

	Me!

	SHHHH!

	Dammit.. ah.. ohhhhhh Babs

	The judge is LOOKING AT YOU!

	SHHHH!

	Who's Dean Smith?

	SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

My hat is truly off to ACC Chris...regardless of the outcome, the
Dean Smith Opening Gambit was move well played...

Chainsaw

    Ah, what a golden opportunity to dust off some of those old
    college hoops memories of yesteryear ...
    
    Whenever the hated Heels would make their annual invasion into
    Charlottesville, us Wahoo fans would always save some of our most
    strident urgings for the ol' Rev ...
    
    We were especially vociferous whenever the Deanster would lift
    that ample frame of his out of his seat and attempt to communicate
    with a player or referee while he was standing at courtside.
    
    So, with nostalgia firmly in mind and with Soup's impressive (but
    probably futile) opening gambit still ringing in our ears, please
    allow me one final "blast from the past" ...
    
    Ready ???
    
    9,000 strong at the tops of their lungs ...
    
    *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***
    *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***
    *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***
    *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***
    *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***   *** SIT DOWN, DEAN ***
    
    Thanks, boys, I feel so much better now.  Carry on with the rimjob, T.
    
    Bob Hunt
    

       Look up the judges Node location on VTX.
       Who do we know who works there?
       
       BTW, if contest entrants are not eligible to be jurors, why should
    the judge be eligible if he was a contestant?
                                   Denny

Hey, Dan, what time's the game tonight?

...asks another of the Tainted Few....


Anyway,

I want everyone to know, that since ACC Chris has listed me as a defense
witness (Gawd only knows why), I am compelled to testify.  (Atty Smif'
might do well to classify me as a hostile witness).

However, should my name be drawn over the nexted two days, it might take
a while for me to get in and answer any questions.  I have meetings all
day today, and a training course to present all day tomorrow.  I'll
try and get into the file before leaving each day to follow the progress
of the file.

Now that you all know, no one can make any claims that the Chainsaw
is skeered....

Thank you, your honor...
Chainsaw

    Murmurs from the Jury:
    
    	What'd he say?
    
    	I'll give you two Mike Greenwell's for one Mark Grace.
    
    	Ya want halfa my sandwich?
    
    	shh
    
    	What's Bailiff Szabo got all over his face?
    
    	Lipstick. And the Judge looks like he's got oil or something all 
    	over his robes!
    
    	SHH
    
    	Why's the Judge wearing that stupid wig?
    
    	I donno. Who's the Dorky lookin' Dude?
    
    	That's Dean Smith.
    
    	Who's Dean Smith
    
    	S H H H H H H H H H H !!!

I swear to tell the troof, the whole troof, and nothing but the
troof.

    How can my opening arguments be disputed????  I *DEMAND* that ADA-T's
    note 110.493 be stricken from the books, and the jury be instructed to
    disregard it.
    
    Judge, you'd better get ahold of this prosecutor but quick.  He's got a
    reputation for this kinda thing.  Any more of this and I'll ask for a
    mistrial.
    
    
    - Dean

    >How much?
    
    How much MrT(errorist)?  How much?  
    
    Why thanks for asking, I scored a 46 on the contest, and very proud I
    was of it.  I mean I knew that I wrote the best entry, but all that
    snivveling the other contestants were doing was going to hurt.  My
    entry was probably the only one loaded with integrity and honesty
    something that the contest judge, Dean Smith, the entire jury, THE
    ENTIRE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, the US Constitution, you name it,
    everyone should have been suitably impressed by the almost overwhelming
    doses ofg honesty and integrity.  I knew anyone favorably impressed by
    Dean Smith's glorious record as coach of UNC would feel likewise about
    my entry.
    
    How much?  46, that's how much.  And my righteous reward?  Look for me
    high above courtside tonight.  Glory, there is justice.
    
    Your honor?  Can I go now?  MrT looks like he's getting ready to throw
    a chair at me!
    
    Dan

>    Mr. Ross, I understand that you had private contacts with Mr. Knorr
>    and others in the days leading up to the final day of the contest.

	MrT, you are a cunning linguist.  But you have not got me licked.

	I did send mail to Chris early in the week asking him 
	how the winner	would be notified on the fateful Friday because 
	I was under the impression that I had a good shot at it and because
	I am not always available on Fridays.  He was the only person 
	affiliated with the contest who I contacted prior to Friday.
    

>    Could you name those with whom you had private contact and relate
>    the content of these sordid communications?

	Chris Knorr and MrT and a friend of mine who is not affiliated
	with the contest.

	On the Friday in question, after the final four was posted, Chris
	asked me who I would take if I won.   I stated that I would take
	a friend of mine and if he couldn't go, then I might ask someone
	like Dan {out of pity}.   

	MrT was contacted because he continued to berate me for trying 
	my best to win the tickets, and when it was decided that I lost,
	I sent him a copy of a mail message that said that Dan had won but
	that I was going with him... .to show him that my groveling may not
	have won the tickets, but at least I was going to the game.

	I was never offered a deal.  I never dealt with Dan directly.
	I made the offer re: Dan as a second-rate choice.   I never knew
	I was going until the after the winner was declared.

    Murmurs from the Jury:
    
    	What'd they say?
    
    	WILL you pay attention!
    
    	That Smith guy looks like he's sleeping.
    
    	shh
    
    	Nah. He's just slouched down trying to see up Kelly Bundy's dress.
    
    	Yeah. For quite awhile there he was bent way over, pretending to
    	tie his shoelace. His face was so red I thought his whole head was
    	going to blow off.
    
    	SHH
    
    	How come they didn't swear in that Schneider guy?
    
    	That's Onan Dan. They probably figured he's just lie anyway.
    
    	Is that the one that bribed Crisp?
    
    	The Judge said that was hearsay.
    
    	Does that mean it's true?
    
    	Yep.
    
    	S H H H H H H H H H!!!!!!!!

>    Isn't it true that you were approached by Mr. Knorr with explicit
>    threatening verbiage muscling contest participants about it mattered 
>    whom they'd take *if* they won? 

	No.  Never.   As I said before, I mentioned Dan's name first.

> Isn't it true that Mr. Knorr was polling his clique, his cabal as it were, 
>to arrange the final standings to ensure that the cabal was well-served 
>with two not   one winners as was advertised.

	I have no proof of that.  Do you?  


>    	"I knew someting was fishy long before Friday... I thought I
>    	 had a good shot at the title and sent some mail to Knorr. 
>    	 He responded with a 'So who would you take if you won?' query...
>         I told him the truth which probably started the backroom dealing.
>         I was prodded with questions like 'Do you know /Don?' or 'Do
>    	 you have a kid who would be heartbroken if you didn't win?'
>    	 Shameless.  I'm lucky I got one ticket out of the deal."
    
	Unfortunately, I did not use the proper smileys and other
	assorted techniques to show the frame of mind I was in.
	Here's how the above text would look if emotion were added.	


   	"I knew someting was fishy long before Friday... :-) I thought I
    	 had a good shot at the title and sent some mail to Knorr. 
    	 He responded with a 'So who would you take if you won?' query...
          I told him the truth which probably started the backroom dealing. :-)
          I was prodded :-) with questions like 'Do you know /Don?' or 'Do
     	 you have a kid who would be heartbroken if you didn't win?'
     	 Shameless. :-) :-) :-)  
         I'm lucky I got one ticket out of the deal.  :-) :-)

	Read it again and see if the tone changes.


No deal was offered to me... if it had been, I would have accepted!!!

The best entries made the Final Four.  It came down to Bonus Points.
How Bonus Points were arrived at was up to Chris.

And that's the FAX, right MrT?  

>    Mr. .... Schneider.  Isn't it true that you have a history of, ahhhh...
>    telling half-truths? 

Well how kind of you to point that out, MrT.  I have made it a habit of 
distinguishing your half-truths (facks or troof, you call it) from the real 
McCoy truth and letting the good citizens, my friends, of OURGNG::SPORTS
know it.  Yessirree, I can tell the half truth from the whole truth and I've
blown the lid on it many a time.

    >What did you give and how much of it did you give to this ACC Chris
    >character in exchange for "winning" first place?

I gave him exactly what was called for, an excellent contest entry.  No more,
no less.  There was absolutely, unquestionably, unequivocally, 100% fer
sure, NOTHING else that I gave Mr. Knorr in return for his winning
judgement.  NOTHING.

    >And a follow up question: Were you aware of any private contacts
    >being made in the days leading up to the contest's shabby denouement?

Not in the days leading up, no.  The day of the judgement, there was some
limited contact which had nothing to do with th outcome.

    >ISN'T IT A FACT THAT YOU YOURSELF WERE INVOLVED IN PRIVATE CONTACTS
    >WITH MR. KNORR AND OTHER PRIVATE PARTIES IN A CABALISTIC EFFOR TO
    >ARRANGE THE CONTEST'S RESULTS?

Nope, not at all.  No cabalistic effort, no results arranging, nothing like that
at all.  The only issue was who would I take with my extra press pass.

Yer honer, isn't that enough badgering from this {sneer} lawyer?  After
all he'd make a good circus ring-leader, but the law is a subject best dealt
with factual evidence by logical minds, not who can scream loadest
in the tabloid headlines.  If there was something at stake there, if there
really was an issue to be weeded out and decided, I don't think OURGNG::
SPORTS would have sent this, er, lightweight.  He makes Dan Quayle
look like an accomplished J.D.

Dan

    "Mr. Strout!  Approach the bench with the pizza.  Thank you (munch,
    munch) that will be all.  See the bailiff on the way out for your fee.
    (munch, munch)."
    
    "Jurist Johnston!  Kindly return to your seat!  And take those kneepads
    off!"
    
    "ADA-T!  Mr. Knorr is correct.  Objection sustained.  You will be given
    an opportunity in your closing statement to answer Mr. Knorr's
    defense."
    
    "The jury is instructed to ignore the contents of 110.493.  Now sit up
    straight and look alert!"
    
    Judge Wapner

    Murmurs from the Jury:
    
    	DAMMIT!
    
    	SH!
    
    	What's the matter?
    
    	My leg went to sleep.
    
    	Shake it like this.
    
    	Stop Wiggling!!
    
    	SHH!
    
    	Well.... What do you think'll happen?
    
    	I think the Celtics can go all the way.
    
    	So does Dr M; he's been putting some heavy bets on them, but I 
    	meant with the trial.
    
    	Oh.... Well I think HE's guilty.
    
    	That's the Prosecuting Attorney, you dipstick!
    
    	SHHH!!! 
    
    	oh.
    
    	HEY!!! HOW `BOUT SOME MORE PIZZA OVER HERE?!?!!!!
    
    	S H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thank you your honor.  I *MUST* log a complaint about the T-tactics
    (tm) being used by ADA-T.  He's clearly badgering the witnesses.  Let's
    stick to the facts (or lack thereof) here.
    
    Thank you judge.
    
    - Dean
    

    And one more thing judge.  Isn't it just a tad unusual to have TWO (2)
    witnesses on the stand at the same time???  I can find no such
    presedence in any of my legal books.
    
    Please Judge, let's try to gain control here.  If this trial weren't
    going so well for my client right now (no evidence, no nothing!
    Hah!!!!) I'd be requesting (and probably getting) a mistrial.
    
    Thank you for your consideration, Judge Wapner.
    
    
    - Dean
    

    BTW yer honor  - When ADA-T is done with Doug & Dan, I'll be 
    		     exercising my right to cross-examine the witnesses.
    		     Except I'll do it the proper way.  ONE AT A TIME.
    
    Thank you again, yer Honor.
    
    
    - Dean

       You and da judge seem pretty tight, eh Chris? Wonder why!
                                   Denny

    Your honor, I've been thinking.  Given how poorly the prosecution has
    been presenting their case, and given the complete absence of any
    evidence, I'd like to move for a dismissal.
    
    Let's just end this thing here and now and save the taxpayers some
    money.  Plus I've got a big game against State to prepare for tonight.
    
    Thanks Judge.
    
    - Dean
    

    
    HEY YOU!!!  Yer Honor!!!!
    
    (from a juror)
    
    "Could we have a 30 minute recess, please?  I gotta go tinkle real
    bad!  
    
    :*o
    
    
    

    Objection again yer honor.  Sheesh.  ADA-T is clearly badgering the
    witness.  He's already answered these questions ad nauseum.  Even the
    jury's getting bored.
    
    
    - Dean
    

    >So, Mr. Schneider, think you're a big man, eh?

No, just an honest one.  WHich is why I think the jury should know that
you tried to bribe me to fabricate evidence against Chris Knorr.

    >Please be kind enough to relate to the Jury what what was said in
    >your private communications with Mr. Knorr on the final day of the
    >contest.

Fine.   He asked me who I was taking to the game.  I said either a good
friend of mine, or Mark Lefebvre who asked me first, or someone else,
but I really hadn't decided.  He suggested I take the second place
finisher, Doug Ross.  I said okay.  And that's the way it was.

Dan

    
    Can't they get some decent cushions for the jury bench?  My 'roids
    are killing me.  
    
    And turn off that damn ceiling fan, it's spraying s$%* all over
    the place.
    
    And one more thing...uh, is that Bundy woman by any chance going
    to be sequestered with us this evening?
    
    -Dick
    

    
    
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    "Jurist Hamel, that Madame Bundy will be sequestered in my chambers all
    evening for some intensive, err, depositions.
    
    "Jurist Farley, can't it wait?  I told you to take care of that before
    court was in session.  Now take your hand off that!  Leave that alone!
    
    "ADA-T, while I sympathize with your plight in trying to weed out
    corruption, your tacts, ah, are a little extraordinary.  From now on
    try to contain yourself to one witness at a time.  
    
    "Further I'm afraid that you're offering more testimony than you're
    getting from the witnesses.  The jury is instructed to only consider
    direct conclusions drawn from the witnesses' testimony."
    
    "Aren't there any friendlier witnesses you can call on for testimony?"
    
    Judge Wapner

    
>    Mr. Ross, you've already admitted that you were approached by Mr.
>    Knorr axeing, "who [sic] would you take if you won?"  Now doesn't
>    that sound to you like an overture, a statement, from this ACCrook
>    that he would select the winner according to what guarantees he
>    could obtain for the second ticket?

	No.  I thought he was really interested.  Since he was giving
	away the tickets, wouldn't he like to know how they would be
	used?   
    
>    Didn't you take this as a tender from Mr. Knorr to cut a deal, to
>    strike an arrangement on who would win.  Moreover, didn't this leave
>    you with the clear impression that ACCrook didn't have a rat's ass
>    of an intention to honestly apply his own published scoring criteria.

	No.  I thought I had a good entry and it came in second.  Chris
	NEVER offered a deal.   The top entries made the cut.  The system
	was applied.  The bonus points counted.   I lost but I won.  

>    In fack, AREN'T YOU UP HERE PERJURING YOURSELF RIGHT NOW IN ORDER
>    THAT YOUR PRECIOUS BASKETBALL TICKETS BE KEPT OUT OF HARM'S WAY!!


	Gee, look at the time!  When's the train leave, Dan?  5:15, right?
	Uh, let me think about that one.   How about a recess, judge, until
	Monday?

	Hmmmm...

>    You'll have to wait until Soup cross-examines him.   That is, if
>    Soup's dumb enough to want to do so since Ross has pretty much made
>    swiss cheese of your so-called charges.
    
    Righto on that score Ketch.  Somehow I was hoping Dean would get the
    glory of bringing all this choice meat.  Appears there'll be nothin'
    left but bones though!  
    
    Hah heh heh hahhhhhhhhH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

After reading MrT's brilliant prosecution, I'm reminded of a character
from "L.A. Law"  -


Benny

    Judge, again I must interupt and ask that if, in all fairness and
    reason, you don't feel this trial should be brought to a halt.
    
    How ADA-T ever made it past the Grand Jury to deem a trial even
    necessary is beyond me.  Must be an election year.
    
    
    - Dean
    
    
    (Ooops.  Sorry about that last irrelevant comment.  Please disregard it
     and humbly consider my request.  Thanks.)
    

    re. 530
    
    hahhahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  
    
    
    - ACC Chris
    

Just remember, that I will be out of town until Monday, Benny.  I hope
you have this wrapped up by then.   

                       Interoffice Memorandum
    
    To: 	Benny Stolwicz
    
    From:	Arnold Becker
    
    Re:		Laundry, Fed Ex, and Donuts
    
    Benny,
    
    On your way in tomorrow, could you drop by the cleaners and remind
    them that I need my suits pressed and my shirts starched and hung
    on wooden hangers only, please ???
    
    Also, please stop by Federal Express and pick up Zsa Zsa's
    deposition.
    
    Finally, Ben, could you stop by Dunkin' Donuts and pick up a
    dozen for the partners' meeting ???
    
    Thanks,
    
    Arnie
    
    

    "The court grants ADA-T a recess until tomorrow at noon.  Will the
    bailiff kindly escort Miss Bundy to my chambers?
    
    "Hands off that tush, Szabo!!!
    
    "Court adjourned."
    
    Judge Wapner

    MrT's comments to the jury are completely out of bounds!  Only in your
    closing arguments are ya allowed to address the jury!!!
    
    Please Judge, strike ADA-T's address and instruct the jury (again).  If
    it was me, judge, I'd give this slouch 1 more chance and then throw
    this whole thing right out.
    
    Sheesh.  Feel like I'm coaching against Cliff Ellis or somethin'.
    
    
    - Dean
    

    Please understand that I am just an innocent bystander....But how come
    Ross was allowed to change his story.  Either he meant the smileys or
    he didn't.  Ross is one noter who does not seem to leave anything open
    to interpretation as to where he stands on any issue.  I would think
    that the jury would have to question the accuracy of Ross' testimony.
    My question is why would Ross want to Lie???????
    Inquiring citizens of OURGNG::LDUC want to know!!!!!
    
    Frank 9er Mendez
    

    "Objection sustained.  The jury will ignore ADA-T's closing arguments
    of the day.  That is highly irregular procedure, which will not be
    further tolerated by the court!
    
    "Tomorrow, we shall begin with the cross-examinations."
    
    Judge Wapner

>    This is great, everything the prosecution presents is getting
>    stricken form the record, simply on the basis of court proceedings.
    
 	Just like real life, Steven :^)   

Jim M

    Re:  Tomorrow. Remember the time difference, and I'm nearing the
    end of a proposal effort, so availability is sketchy.  I'll do my
    best to take the stand.  I won't run out of town like certain
    witnesses.
    
    Also, Mr. Judge, your honor.  How can you let witnesses and
    gallery folks badger ADA-T like you have Mssrs. Ross, Schneider
    and Hunt?  Totally disrespectful.  No one has been doing it to
    Mr. Smith, er Knorr.
    
    And another thing.  How can this Dean Smith be Knorr's attorney?
    Mr. Smith is NOT a DIGITAL employee, therefore, he should not be
    on the Net, therefore, Mr. Knorr is quilty of a crime more heinous
    than what he is alledged to have done to warrant this trial.
    
    I would think Mr. Smith would be an "UNAUTHORIZED" person on the
    net.  
    
    Just my 2 cents...
    
    J Sarge D.
    
    

                Trial Concludes 2nd Day; Jury Asleep
    
    OURGNG (AP) - In an altogether bumbling performance, prosecuting
    attorney Tom Shaugnessey called two different witnesses to the
    stand at the same time neither of whom would or could confirm the
    prosecution's charges.
    
    The first witness, Dan Schneider, insisted many different times
    that he had not conspired with the defendant on the fixing of
    the contest.  Inexplicably, Shaugnessey called his second witness,
    Doug Ross, to the stand while Mr. Schneider was still sitting in
    the booth.  Schneider graciously allowed room for Mr. Ross but a
    light chuckle broke out throughout the courtroom.
    
    Mr. Ross proceeded to tell the somnolent jury that he had written
    an intentional "touch-in-cheek" message to the prosecutor alleging
    that the contest had been fixed.  Mr. Ross pointed out that the
    message was not intended for serious purposes by the liberal
    sprinkling of several "smiley" characters throughout the text.
    
    Mr. Shaugnessey vainly attempted to object to his own witnesses'
    testimony and also, somewhat ineptly, attempted to object to the
    defendant's opening remarks as well as tried to address the jury
    directly after Mr. Knorr voiced one of his own objections.
    
    Each of Mr. Shaugnessey's improper, but futile, futile attempts at
    gaining the upper hand were rejected by the judge.   Shaugnessey's
    last impropriety was an attempt to call Mr. John Devlin to the
    stand before the defense has had its chance to cross-examine both
    Messrs. Schneider and Ross.   Since there is no room for three
    persons in the witness booth, Mr. Shaugnessey will no doubt have
    to retract his final request.
    
    Also of note was a Marine Corps rifle squad preparing for a 21-gun
    salute as well as a bugle player warming up to play "Taps" and a
    rather obese female opera singer preparing for her final aria.  
    It appears as though Mr. Shaugnessey's case will soon be "gone
    with the wind" ...
    
    Bob Hunt

Uh, begging your honor's pardon....

I'd like to point out to the court that the "Miss Bundy" who has been
sequestered in your chambers tonight is not really *the* Kelly Bundy,
but rather her stunt double "Babs".

If there is any question as to the integrity of my statement, please
contact Juror Johnston, and he will divulge to you, your honor, the
method whereby you can ascertain for yourself the validity of my statement.

Where is Miss Bundy this evening?

Home, getting "dinner" ready for me...


Chainsaw

As the sun sets over OURGNG county, a tired and dejected Greek philosopher
wanders through the streets, lantern aloft, looking for an honest man....

Nearby, in the train station, where Onan Dan, and Doug "Perjurers 'R US" Ross
are ready to board the train to Bahston, a young mother walking down
the platform hastily pulls her two young children aside as they saunter
by.

In a seedy district downtown, in a back alley bar, ACC Chris, and his
cabal of crooked cronnies, drink heavily under a portrait of Lenin, Mao,
The Ayotollah Khomeini, and Hitler.

On the other side of town, in a quiet neighborhood where subtle good holds
back the rank and despicable rot of corruption from its borders, Mr T
sits down to a quiet evening meal, with his closest advisors and supporters.
Head bowed to deliver the blessing, he beseeches a truly Higher Authority
to give him strength in the remainder of the struggle.

On the outskirts of town, in a truly wild place where even the scumbag
corruptioners and cabal members fear to tread, the Chainsaw chops some
wood for the stove, puts the Wolf on guard outside, and heads in
for his own quiet meal with Kelly.

Another day has ended in OURGNG County.....

   
    
    		anybody know how to dry out a keyboard?
    
    
    I'z sooo embarrassed!!
    
    
    :*<

    last 100 or so...
    
    	You guys are tooo much!!!   You should write your own book!
    
    
    B.A.

    To the Judge,
    
    I demand my last note be addressed before I am called upon to
    be a witness.  You'll have plenty of time to take care of this business
    before I get into work tomorrow, due to the time delay.
    
    JD

    WILD TRIAL RAISES QUESTIONS OF COURT IMPROPRIETY
    
    OURGNG::LDUC (AP,UPI,FWIW,SOS)
    
    A wild day ended in the Knorr vs. the Good People of OURGNG::SPORTS,
    with the prosecuting attorney being badgered by the defendent,
    witnesses, spectators, and a fallicious newspaper account.
    
    Questions abound about the trial's preceedings.  Pizza was delivered
    in the middle, the jury seemed to be having an orgy, one juror wet
    himself, the bailiff was no where to be seen, one of the witnesses
    skipped town, and the defense attorney is violating all security
    rules of the network.
    
    The court artists sketches were marred when one of ACC Chris' cohorts
    threw baby blue paint on them.
    
    Not since Ruben "Hurricane" Carter's fixed trial awakened the spirit
    of Bob Dylan, has a trial caused such an uproar.  It is up to the
    Honorable Judge Wapner to control this trial, and force the defense's
    cohorts to stop disrupting the preceedings, to stop trying to 
    influence the jurors, and to clarify the legitimacy of the defense
    council's rights to be on the net.
    
    If the defense keeps acting this way, this newspaper can only see
    a mistrial being declared for the prosecution, and the defense and
    its cohorts being charged with contempt of court.
    
    We, the members of the free press, those that guard the right to
    free speech, religion, and press, as guarenteed by the First Amendment
    of the Constitution of this great Nation, can only urge and pray
    that Judge Wapner gains control, and lets this trial be fair, and
    without the unruliness it has experienced.  Let freedom ring.  

    re: -1
    
    "...one juror wet himself...."
    
    
    
    
    			WRONGO BABE!!!!!
    
    
    
    
    
     Missed Moiself but got the Keyboard!!!!      ;^))
    
    
    Thanks to ADA-T for meeting with me, and helping out.  Thanks, Pal,
    You are the greatest!!!!!
    
    ps - are me and the lit'l lady still meeting you for drinks and
    dinner Friday night??????  'member, I got a tiny bladder.....
    
    Jurist Farley
    
    
    

Game Summary.... Charlotte Hornets @ Boston Celtics   Feb 7, 1990

Celts win in a blowout 146-125.  McHale scores 31 in 24 minutes including
3 of 4 from 3 point range.  Charles Smith and Michael Smith {no relation}
show promise in extended action.  Charles had 9 assists and 5 steals and
played Muggsy Bogues very well.  Michael had 12 points, 3 boards, and
3 assists in 21 minutes.   Reggie Lewis had a quiet 26 and Joe Kleine
gave the Chief a night off with 30 minutes, 16 points and 9 boards.
For the hapless Hornets, Tripucka had 24 and probably gave up 44.  Armon
"The Hammer" Gilliam had 26.  Bogues had 18 assists, 10 in the first 
quarter.     It was a fast-paced game.  Celts never trailed and led
43-34 at the end of one and 80-62 at the half.  It was over then.

And now for ....


The Rest of the Story


Dan and I caught the train in Acton at 5:15.   I knew I was in trouble 
when, as we left the station, Dan squealed, "The SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUULLLL
Train"... 

We got to North Station early and went into a sports bar for food.  The
dishes were named after famous sports stars.  I had the Larry Bird's
Chicken Sandwich.  Dan had the McHales Navy, evidently because the
Magic Meat was not available.   Again, Dan embarrassed me by asking 
if he could smell Larry's buns.

Dinner and brews taken care of, we went out to the Strawberries music
store to pass time til Steve Nazzaro showed up with the PRESS PASSES {ha!}.
Dan impressed me with his knowledge of Country Western music... offering
to sing "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille".  I declined and
pretended not to know him.

Then we waited outside of the music store for Steve and the PRESS PASSES {ha!}.
I asked Dan if he knew what Steve looked like.  He said he'd seen him
before and to "look for an Italian guy".   Gee, an Italian guy in the
North End of Boston.   No problem!

Steve arrived with a woman who claimed to be a Miami Heat fan.  Obviously,
Steve picked her up at a detox center somewhere on the way to the Garden.
We went outside, around back, up a secret stairway, thru a maze of
twisty passages all alike, said "PLUGH" and arrived at the press entrance
where we got our PRESS PASSES {ha!}.   Waved to Bob Neumeier.   Bob was
muttering "G$#$#damn Lobel gets $600K and I get diddly".  Went up umpteen
sets of stairs and then up a ladder formerly used on the U.S.S. Kennedy.
4 steps, straight up.  Then crawl thru a tunnel about 3 feet high and
two feet wide.  Dan says, "You know, this reminds me of a dream I had
last night."   We emerge from the tunnel and behold the Garden, from
"high above courtside".  I mean "HIGH ABOVE COURTSIDE".  I mean "SOMEONE
GET ME SOME TISSUE FOR MY NOSE PLEASE!" high.

Off to our left about twenty feet away is Glenn Ordway, Bob Wilson {voice
of the Bruins}, and JOHNNY MOST.  Dan yells, "Hey, Johnny, how's it
hanging?"  Johnny does not respond.    

Steve Nazzaro then points us to our "chairs".  Remember your Aunt Bertha's
coffee table set?  You know the chair that had one of the plastic things
off the leg so that you jiggled around whenever you moved?  That would
have been comfortable compared to the seats we had.  And the desk!  
Authentic plywood, built sometime in the Johnson admininstration - Andrew
Johnson, that is... covered with plexiglas. 

We applaud politely for most of the Hornets, saving special cheers for
J.R. Reid and his 'do.   

The game begins.  Dan yells at Bird throughout... calling him for
handchecking... even when he is sitting on the bench.  A spectacular
Bird pass is met with silence.  A Bird turnover launches Dan into a
series of spasmodic jerks, who knows what the result was.

Halftime arrives.  Dan and I go down and grab 2 dixie cups full of 
near-beer for the paltry sum of $5.50.  Johnny Most walks by and 
Dan says, "Watch this!".  Dan proceeds to pull a pack of Marlboros 
from his pocket and ties a string to one of them.   He then tosses
the cigarette into Johnny's path.   As Johnny bends over to grab the
cigarette, Dan pulls the string and whips the smoke back into his
hand.  "Schneider stole the butt!  Schneider stole the butt!  Schneider
stole the butt!" he screams into Johnny's good ear... then lights
it and blows a smoke ring in the shape of Ricky Mahorn into Johnny's
face.  "Now that's both McFilthy and McNasty" he chortles.

We return to our seats and discuss hoopology with the Heat fan.  Come
to find out, she is REALLY a Heat fan and knows more about hoop than
Dan and I put together.... except for the part about wanting to fondle
the bags under Pat Cummings eyes... and something about racing dots 
and pizza.  

The second half is all garbage time.   Dan runs around looking for any
available TV camera.  When he finds one with the red light on, he starts
jumping up and down and yelling into it, 

		"The NBA - It's DAN-tastic!"

We discuss the size of J.R. Reid's butt... compare and contrast it
with Mark Aguirre's.    And estimate whether it "stacks up" to MrT's.
The jury is out on that one.

The game ends.  We go down to courtside to meet up again with Steve.
Dan rushes out onto the parquet floor and fires up an imaginary 
three pointer, yells "Swish that, Larry!" and then does a Rodman
dance up the sideline.   Luckily, most of the real fans had left at 
that point.

Steve then gave us the final game stats and a complimentary press
guide {with Red Auerbach on the cover}.   He then leads us out thru
another series of passages and we pass by the media circus waiting
to hear Jimmy Rodgers explain again why he is going bald.  Everyone
is there.  John Dennis.  Dan Shaughnessy.  Bob Ryan.   Steve asks 
Dan if he wants to meet Bob Ryan.  Dan says "Oh, I don't think I
could even hold my bladder for that".  So we pass on Ryan.  Too bad.
I would have liked to have asked him why he was so special that he
had to talk to some joker throughout the entire National Anthem.
Obviously discussing his followup book to Larry Bird's autobiography,
"Drive"...   it's called "Fall Down - The Tony Eason Experience".

Another train ride home {another "SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUL TRAIN!"!}and
Dan and I part company.
-----

Thanks to Nazz for the great hospitality.   It was truly a memorable
evening.

Thanks to ACC Chris for providing the opportunity for simple people
like Dan and I to attend.

Thanks to Dan for showing me what life could be like.

       Not to mention Carolina...getting beat...on national TV...at
    home!!
                                             Denny

    
    
    
    JaKe
    

First off, your honor, I think we have to question Mr Ross' aditional
testimony.

Anyone who has ever met Dan Schneider knows that within 5 to 10 minutes
of meeting Dan, Onan Dan has attempted to stick a NY JETS sticker on
something in his immediate proximity.

Since not once did Mr Ross make mention of this fact, and indeed since
all his story relating to Onan Dan could have easily been gleaned from
facks found in this and other notes files, I put to the court (as
an Interested Party) that Mr Ross additional testimony was pure
and unadulterated Bovine Fecal Matter.  

And, if Doug did not go to the game, *WHO* went with Onan Dan???

Your honor, I humbly submit that the court should rule on the
validity of Mr Ross' Additional Testimony!

Chainsaw

    "All rise!  The courtroom is now in session.  The honorable Justice
    Wapner presiding."
    
    "This case has seen some highly unusual procedure.  This court is
    prepared to tolerate some instances of improper conduct, seeing the
    relative greenness of the two counsels, but it will not tolerate any
    more questioning by the witnesses!  From now on all questions must be
    addressed through either counsel.  In particular, Mr. Devlin will be
    sited with contempt for any more outbursts!  Bailiff, ready yourself."
    
    "This morning we shall be faced with the cross-examination of the
    witnesses, Schneider and Ross.  It is my understanding that Ross has
    slithered away, so he may be recalled for later testimony by Mr.
    Knorr."
    
    Judge Wapner

    Yer honor, I cain't believe this.  ADA-T's tryin' to bring up another
    witness before I've even had a chance to cross-examine!!  I believe a
    contempt citation is in order.
    
    If JD takes the stand prior to my cross-examination I'm taking my
    client back to the locker room.  Heck, I might even throw a chair or
    two across this courtroom.  
    
    
    - Dean

    
    Oops! Sorry I'm late.  Mornin', fellow jurists.  No no, jurist Farley,
    don't get up.  Just stay seated on the end in case you have to go
    again.  And see if you can stay away from the water cooler, OK?
    
    Boy, did I get a breifing from Ms. Bundy last night.  We looked
    at all kinds of case histories, like "Big 10 vs. Dirty Dozen" or
    something like that, and "Donk vs. Brown (1989)".
    
    Hey, where's my pillow?  Hey you, on the end!  Is that a joint you
    got there?  Pass it down, man.  What? Shut up? Who said that?
    
    Oh, sorry yer honor.
              
    -Dick
    

    Your honor are we going to listen to another tirade by ADA-T, where
    once again he makes outrageous accusations with zero evidence???  
    
    If I were you, judge, I'd want to see at least the barest thread of
    actual PROOF before going ahead with such an extraordinary request.
    
    Thanks judge.  After your favorable ruling, I'll proceed with my
    cross-examination of Mr. Ross and Mr. Schneider. 
    
    - Dean

    So, what the heck is I supposed to do?  I caint wait around all
    day.  Get the dang cross-examination done.
    
    ANd remember, I'm a registered legal counsel, so I may have to file
    charges if charges are filed against me!
    
    JD  (Like, youse guys never  did figure out what J.D. meant, did
    ya!!!)

    G'mornin fellow jurists!  Sorry 'bout my bladder problems
    yesteday.  It shouldn't happen again today 'cause I 
    got myself one of those manly-truck driver thingamajigs.
    
    Ya know what I mean?  It's got a hose, bottle, funnel,
    and some kind of string.  They say it's just the thing......
    
    
    

    Again, I'd like a little proof here.  I tried to find out who the judge
    was myself.  The best I could do was identify his DECnet area, which
    cut the field down to 1024 nodes, with upwards of 50 users per node!
    
    If the honorable Judge Wapner is indeed Dan, it's news to me, and
    that's the troof.  In any case I think we all have a right to know if
    ADA-T has any *evidence* (a key word here, and one that the
    dishonorable prosecutor apparently knows little about) as to the
    judge's identity.
    
    Give us the PROOF, T.  Otherwise Wapner stays.
    
    
    - Dean
    

	What I want to know is, where is "The Whacking Bailiff" when you
need him. This courtroom has gone TURBO::OUTTACONTROL.

Jim M

    * * * *  S P O R T S   L D U C   P I C A Y U N E   T I M E S  * * * *
    _____________________________________________________________________


             !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
             E X T R A !!  E X T R A !!  E X T R A  !!  E X T R A
             !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

	COLO.  The Courtroom was a shambles early this A.M. during the trial of
suspected SPORTS figure ACC Chris aka Crisp. Serious charges were leveled
implicating high level Judicial figures in a conspiracy of staggering
proportions. Links to the infamous SPORTSmafia (tm) were uncovered and armed
SPORTS police have moved into the courtroom to maintain order. Counter charges,
threats and whimpers of fear flew rampant, interspersed with shouts, laughter,
and some few moans of orgasmic delight. This reporter was physically mauled by
several Officers of the Court, and emerged with her clothing in disarray. More
as developments warrant. Byline...... Trixie LaReau...  Raving Reporter...

>    a Moderator or some other person of known good reputation,
>    objectivity, and credibility...
  
    	In *THIS* conference????
    
    sean

    I think Wapner's done a credible job, regardless of his identify.  He's
    been fair and objective.  If anything he's let you run out of control
    far more than would be tolerated by a true judge.
    
    I say let Wapner stay.  You still haven't proven to my satisfaction
    that he and Dan are one and the same.  How do you know that node is in
    the same building as Dan's?  You're no technoweenie ADA-T, so let me
    clue you in on the fact that just cause 2 nodes are in the same DECnet
    area doesn't mean they're in the same building.  And even if they are,
    it's circumstantial that Dan is, in fact, Wapner.  Perhaps there's a
    RON in there who decided to have some fun.  Perhaps a new employee just
    started working for DEC.  There are many possibilities.
    
    Again, there's no proof against him, and it's this country you're
    innocent until proven guilty.
    
    
    - Dean

    There's only one person, in this file, with a decent rep.... and
    I don't want the job.

    
    Did it really take ADA-T this long to figure this thing out?  Has he
    really been caught in this deceitful web, or is he just playing his
    cards one at a time?  The world awaits an answer.
    
    glenn

    "Order in the court!
    
    "ADA-T, enough of your flim-flammery!  Try to carry yourself with a
    degree of self-respect which befits an officer of the court.  As the
    appointed official under whose jurisdiction and domain these charges
    have been placed, it is my solemn duty to inform you that one more
    outburst such as that and you will be cited with contempt!
    
    "The courtroom is not a place to level spurious charges against the
    judge of all people.  We are here to find sufficient evidence to prove
    the serious charges you have leveled at Mr. Knorr.  Your poor attempts
    so far at this given task might lead any man to this latest act of
    desparation to conceal your frustration.
    
    "The identity of this officer of the court is found beneath each
    statement and within the scrolls of the law library (which you seem to
    be unfamiliar with).  Your weak attempts at determining such leaves the
    matter no closer to resolution than when you started.  Any technical
    familiarity with the subject would convince you of the utter lack of
    evidence you have presented.
    
    "Yet justice must be served.  We will continue on with the trial, and
    being a fair-minded justice, the court will attempt to put ADA-T's
    tirade in its  proper perspective: a desparate, inexperienced lawyer
    cloaking his inadequacies behind wild accusations.  Justice delayed is
    justice denied, and I won't stand for it."
    
    [The courtroom erupts.  Reporters rush toward the bench.  The judge has
    obviously been shaken by the attempted tainting of his service, but has
    emerged clearly as an officer of the first water.  The jury has leapt
    to their feet and are seen clapping animatedly, except for jurist
    Johnston, who has dropped a few coins on the floor in a shallow attempt
    to look up Roxette's brown leather mini-skirt.  She flushes. 
    Flashbulbs are popping at both judge and admonished counsel.  
    
    ADA-T hangs his head in deep shame.  He spins on his imitation leather
    Tom McCann's, crumples his notes into a ball and flings it toward a
    rather seedy looking chap in the front row of the packed house.  A
    photographer is ready and snaps the shot as ADA-T openly berates his
    paid informant for providing such shallow information.  The informant
    fires back that ADA-T was just believing what he wanted to believe. 
    ADA-T demands back the c-note it took to buy into this con game, but
    the sly fellow has dodged the bullet and was last seen exiting the
    court house ahead of the press as they rush to phone in this latest
    escapade.  Tomorrow's headlines won't be kind to ADA-T, but that has
    not been the judge's intention.
    
    The Honorable Judge Wapner is embarrassed by the attention, and feels
    true compassion for the prosecuter.  He tries to put the incident
    behind both of them in a gesture of true humanity, to a lawyer clearly
    at the end of his rope.  He seats himself, grips his gavel and
    commences:]
    
    <Bang!!>  <BANG!!!>
    
    "Order in the court!  Order!  We must have order!
    
    "We shall go on with this case.  ADA-T, you have a 20 minute recess to
    compose yourself, and forget the cunning hands into which you had
    fallen which led you to such distractions.  You have a community to
    represent, and a duty to perform.
    
    "The court has been informed that Mr. Schneider and Mr. Ross are both
    out of reach today, thus when court is back in session, you can
    continue with your witnesses.  When we return, bailiff, call John
    Devlin to the stand." 
    
    "A twenty minute recess is taken."
    
    [Again, the packed house erupts with spontaneous applause.  Rare are
    the times that such wisdom has been applied, such compassion observed,
    such a threat derailed with grace.
    
    Judge Wapner exits the courtroom and his stunned and ecstatic
    observers. He is heard muttering to himself about the comfortable
    private practice with the high six figure income he left behind in
    Connecticut to accept this appointment to the circuit those many years
    ago.  His loyal bailiff is touched and makes a motion towards Ms.
    Bundy that her services may be needed in the chambers again.  Her heart
    races at the opportunity.]
    
    Judge Wapner

    I can't believe this judge.  ADA-T has behaved shamelessly.  This trail
    should be ended NOW.  I object *strenuously* to your liberal heart
    (hey, maybe this judge *is* Dan after all! ;^) ) and urge you to
    reconsider.
    
    - Dean

If you guys don't quit the all this bovine fecal matter,
I'm gonna get my saw, and take over the courtroom.  *THEN* we'll
see just how the Saw can get evidence outta any witness....

There will be no rights, no assurances that people will leave
the courtroom the same way they came in (ie with all four limbs
and genitalia intact...)

We'll take care of you the way we do on the frontier...

Get rid of the judge, unless the judge can deny that he's Onan Dan.
I'm convinced, simply from ACC Chris' statement that he's doing
a good job.  Cut him, and he'll bleed Jet green...

Finally, let's cut all the legalistic mumbo jumbo, and get the
evidence out here.  Produce the habeus corpus so that the guilty
can be convicted and swing.....


Chainsaw

    
    The judge is none other than the country's number 1 sports fan,
    
                                  MORGANNA
    
    "Order in the court!
    Order in the Court!
    Here come de juggs!
    Here come de juggs!"
    
    -Dick
    

Ever notice how Judge Wapner enters a note and it is immediately followed by
a note from ACCyst ? I think dan created an account that Cyst has access to 
in order to perpetuate his Sham of a contest...

I'm saying that Judge Wapner is none other than ACCyst !!!!!

No wonder poor ADA-T can't get a fair shake is this sorry excuse for a court...

I (as the actual contest winner) demand a mistrial and demand a new trial
with a totally impartial Judge.....


Karen derry or Dinz should be the judge....


     Metz

    /Don won the contest!
                                  Denny

    In the first place, Wapner has NOT ruled in my clients favor 100% 
    of the time. If he had, this trial would be over and done with now and
    ACC Chris would be the free man he should be.  In the 2nd place, I
    congratulate you for actually bringing forth some REAL evidence.
    (First time for everything I suppose.)  But proving that Dan and Wapner 
    are one-and-the-same just because they're in the same building is still 
    a circumstantial leap.  Perhaps it's a correct one.  Perhaps not.  In 
    either case, I consent to your offer of letting the jury decide whether 
    to replace or keep him.  
    
    Finally, I'd like to state for the record that neither my client Knorr
    myself had any prior knowledge as to the identity of Judge Wapner. 
    Whoever you are judge, nice prank, but I just wish you would've been
    more kind to my case.
    
    
    - Dean

	yawn, just another rerun of Night Court...  When does the playboy
    channel come on?
    
    sean

    	When I saw the woprd *spurious* I kind of figured out who it
    was.  This trial is a sham and a mockery.  Chicago 7 revisited.
    The aggreived defendants deserve better.  Thank God for MrT, the
    only righteous noter in this whole festering sewer.
    
    				/Don

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz
                z
                 z
                  z ... wha?  huh?  Did somebody say jury???

Jim Bob Dallas Denver Crews should be Judge... After all he looks like
Jonny Most!!!!!!

(insert sight of Dean Smith, legend, approaching the bench to counsel 
 with Judge Wapner.)

Dean:		"Judge, I'd like to file a formal protest against ADA-T
		for failing to notify defense counsel about a deposition
		that was taken from a Mr. Doug Ross.  Mr. Ross has already
		testified and I reserve my right to cross-examine, but
		evidence was presented which I had no prior knowledge of."

Judge Wapner:	"Noted and entered, Mr. Smith.  ADA-T, are you aware of the
		requirement that the defense be made aware of *all* 
		evidence so that they may prepare a proper defense??"

ADA-T:		(whimpishly) "Yes sir.  I, I, I, ... guess I forgot ...".

Judge Wapner:	"YOU FORGOT!?????!!!!"

ADA-T:		"Ye, ye, ye, yes sir.  Sorry."

Judge Wapner:	"ADA-T, IF THIS KIND OF THING HAPPENS AGAIN I'LL THROW
		 THIS CASE OUT SO FAST IT'LL BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER
		 AS IT WISKS ITS WAY OUT OF THIS COURTROOM!!!!!!!"

		"Now step forward and take your punishment."

(insert sight of ADA-T stepping out from behind his desk.  The courtroom
 issues a collective *GASP* as ADA-T lowers his trowsers, revealing a
 *huge* posterior - one that could stack *countless* plates.  The jury 
 looks more awake now than at any moment during the trial, except for the 
 one next to the water cooler with the damp pants who utters a 
 blood-curling scream and passes out cold!)

(insert sight of Judge Wapner reaching into his bench drawer, pulling out
 a large paddle with holes in it.)

(insert sight of a profusely sweating ADA-T, as he eyeballs the paddle
 and prepares for the worst)

(insert sound of Judge Wapner's paddle meeting the fatty flesh of ADA-T's
 Full Moon.  Groaning and wincing is heard throughout the court, everytime
 paddle meets butt.   Finally, mercifully, the paddling ends,
 ADA-T pulls up his trowsers, and returns to stand behind his desk.)

JUDGE WAPNER:	(looking more satisfied than if he'd just had a good sit-down
		 with the Sunday paper ...)

		"Now, ... let's get on with this thing."


		"ADA-T, call Mr. Devlin."

ADA-T:		"Yes sir.  I'll try to be more ... "

JUDGE WAPNER:	"JUST CALL YOUR WITNESS COUNSELOR!"

ADA-T:		(almost imperseptively) "okay"


Like I told you before this trial started folks, you may want to keep
the children and weak hearted outa 110 for awhile.


- Dean
    

    If this case needs to be appealed, my higher court is available.
    
    Judge Sirica

    re: .592    
    
    	WHADDAYAMEAN?  The People's Court moves to Superior Court???
    
    sean    

    When you whackos are all through and the pee-pee whacking time has
    come, call me.  I'll be in da judge's chambers where Ms. Bundy's
    helping me polish my tool.  She's such a wholesome girl!  No wonder da
    judge's taken such a fancy to her, right Dan?
    
    Hawk, SPORTS' Official Balliff

    Yo, Hawk,
    
    You may be SPORTS' Official Bailiff, but I am the Apostrophe Police.
    Check out your Personal Name.  You are under arrest for committing
    an Apostrophe Violation.
    
    While you go to jail, I'll be spending time with Ms. Bundy in da
    judge's chambers, thank you very much.
    
    The A.P.

    re -1
    
    Not necessarily.  He could be saying "..until it is time."
    
    
    Bruce, Auditor of the A.P.

    Bruce is absolutely correct, thank you Bruce.  When would you like a
    turn with Ms. Bundy?  I have an opening between 14:50 and 14:55 OURGNG
    time (5 minutes should be plenty, eh?).
    
    Balliff Hawk

    
    Ahem.....
    
    Excuse me.....
    
    but, ummm,,,,,uhhh,,,,
    
    "no, I don't have to tinkle
    
    but I think I gotta do poops....
    
   

    
    I could tell you had to go poops for the last half hour.
       
    Cripes! I ain't sittin' next to you tomorrow!
    
    -Dick
    

    
    
    But I TRIED real hard not to let any gas escape.
    I guess one of the "silent but deadly" one's escaped.
    
    Sorry  :^)
    
    Oh yeah, aren't you greatful that the bottle didn't
    leak?  After all, it coulda made your shoes wet...

    
    I cannot tell a lie,
    
    
    the guy next to me did
    
    ;^)

If it please the Court.

I have just received a message from Someone who demands to be heard.
I am commanded to include His message into the Court Record...

So, respectfully submitted, here it is.....




From:	KEOPS::GOD           8-FEB-1990 16:09:29.13
To:	CAM::WAY
CC:	
Subj:	The Mockery of Justice....

Chainsaw!  Chainsaw!

Unto thee I give my true Commandment.  Prostrate thyself and prepare
to hear.....

I have seen the mockery of justice and good being carried out
in OURGNG County Court.  This SHAM must stop.

From this day onward be it known that unless *I* see a vast improvement
in the trial, *I* am seriously considering sending a plague of locusts
down onto OURGNG County.

You will tell the court of this Commandment.  You will tell Judge Wapner
that he'd better get his act together since *I* know his true identity,
and that someday he will stand before ME to be adjudicated.

You will tell Onan Dan that my Commandments preclude any room for the
hideous act for which he is nicknamed, and that if he continues to 
waste his seed I will strike his line barren.

You will tell the juror with the wet pants that *I* am NOT amused.

Chainsaw, go in peace to love and serve ME, and tell unto all you
encounter that Justice in OURGNG County will be swift indeed if this
SHAM is not fixed post haste.

I have spoken....

>    I cannot tell a lie,
    
>    the guy next to me did
    

I did not!!  

    Where's JD anyways?  And where is ADA-T??  This trial is deteriorating
    at a rapid rate, I'll tell ya.  Personally, I don't blame you fine
    outstanding jury members for gettin' a little antsy.
    
    Sadly, the real loser in this whole affair is my client, ACC Chris,
    whose reputation remains tarnished (perhaps irrepairably) and whose
    freedom and very existence in this conference remains hanging in the 
    balance, all because of slanderous and wholly false charges brought 
    against him by the utterly comedic and inept Assistant DA, MrT.  
    
    Huff.
    
    - Dean
    
    

Re GOD....

God does *not* have an account in Bloomfield.  He used to appear
to Moses, Joseph and all those dudes in dreams.  But this is the 
90's.  God talks to me through node KEOPS....

And, as His memo said, God is not pleased....

I am but His humble servant,
Chainsaw

>                      -< no skid marks on MY shorts..... >-
    
    no but your socks are full!

> No evidence need be turned over to you prior to its introduction in court.  

I'm not talking about turning it over ya dodo.  I'm talking about being
made aware of any evidence you're going to introduce.  Ross' "Exhibit A"
document is just such a case.  

And anways you're just burned up cause Judge Wapner had to spank ya (literally)
in front of everybody.  Well I was embarrassed too.  Try an be more careful
next time, will ya?


> You're a big boy - git your owned damned evidence.  

Oh I've got plenty, don't worry.  Trouble is this trial's so bogged down
I haven't even had a chance to ask a single question!  Fortunately for me
though with every inept question you ask a little more sliver of light begins
to creep in between my clients jail cell and freedom!


> And boy, not too bright of you to have failed to retain copies of
> those crooked mails you sent my witnesses negotiating the sale of
> first place.  

I've got copies, don't worry.  I was just doing a little test to see just
how corrupt a certain former-buddy of mine has gotten.  You've just answered
any doubts I had, thank you.  I would've expected better from a childs.

    
> you wouldn't be in such deep doo-doo, now would you?

On the fact that my client's in trouble, why state the obvious?  These
are serious charges here.  Charges we're not taking lightly.  My client
loves SPORTS.  He doesn't want to be exiled.  He wants to be around to
rub salt into wounds when I sign up Montross.  He wants to yell and scream
for joy so that all may hear of Carolina's unlikely ACC Title.  And he wants to 
strut, strut, strut, oh-so-proudly, when UNC springs upset-after-upset,
(despite having one of the slowest collection of athletes I've ever seen)
on their march to Denver.


- Coach Smith, attorney.
    

    Well I don't believe my eyes!  I come rushing in from class to testify
    at my cross-examination, and I see that fool T is trying to pass off
    his salesmen savoir faire as technical know-how.  It's no wonder that
    revenue is down!
    
    MrT, let me clue you in, there are a few hundred people in this
    building and I don't know most of 'em, nor do you.  I do know that
    there are a few other people here who *have* noted in Sports, which
    dismisses right away the cheesecloth that you refer to as "evidence".
    
    AS far as I can tell, this Judge Wapner should have chucked this case
    out in the pre-trial when it was determined that you had no evidence
    but were making up hearsay right and left.  And once I revealed that
    you tried to bribe me to fabricate some evidence against ACC Chris, he
    should have had you disbarred.
    
    Why don't you just go back into the courtroom, end this latest huff of
    yours, and lose this case like a manly lawyer, instead of trying to rig
    things forever in your favor?  Sports noters might do something more
    than laugh at you for a change.
    
    Dan, waiting to give more key testimony

    Hey, T, in case you hadn't noticed, the Celtics beat the Hornets
    last night.
    
    Schneider and Ross were there.  The contest is over, the prizes
    have been awarded, and the prizes have been consumed.
    
    You are now arguing a futile case, if it ever had a prayer.
    
    Please give it up and go back to handling your customers.  DEC
    needs the money.
    
    Bob Hunt

    
    Not me.  Not enough hours in the day.
    
    glenn
    

    
    Your Honor, 
    
    After nearly 24 hours of agonized deliberation, I have decided to 
    come forward with the Truth about Messrs. Schneider and Ross at 
    last night's game.  *I* am the Miami Heat fan who was seated 
    beside them.
    
    During *no* part of the game while I was in their presence was any 
    mention ever made (complimentary or un-) of UNC-Chapel Hill, the 
    Tarheels, or Dean Smith.  There _was_ a comment made about James 
    Worthy; however, it was in relation to his play on the Lakers and 
    not about his collegiate career.
    
    In addition, the gentlemen greeted the introduction of JR Reid 
    (may someone throw an elbow at *his* teeth someday) with "oh yeah, 
    he's the one we're supposed to be watching..."   They also were 
    unfamiliar with the Hornets' line-up - asking _me_ who was #55 
    (Stuart Gray).  It was shocking.  Shocking.
    
    Mr. ACC_Knorr hoped to choose someone to attend the game who 
    resembled him in attitude and interests.  Clearly, he chose wrong.
    If I may offer an opinion, Your Honor, it seems to me that this 
    should be punishment enough.   If he *is* guilty of running a 
    corrupt contest, he received his just desserts.
    
    sincerely,
    Kathy

    ACK!  Why the hey don't ya just drive a stake through my heart Kathy?!
    
    I can't believe you.  Just can't.  For my own self-preservation I
    can't.  Why, I personally attended a Denver Nuggets game with Dan
    myself and you shoulda heard him going *wild* every time Walter Davis
    made another slick move, or Doug Moe outfoxed his coaching counterpart.
    Heck, people were starting to look at us funny - and we were pulling for 
    the *home* team!
    
    Now Mr.Ross, that's a different story.  But *PLEASE* keep in mind that
    he was NOT my contest winner.  Dan was.
    
    Go get 'em Dean.  (BTW - Dean told me he'll be ready to cross-examine
    Schneid & Ross tomorrow, judge-willing.)
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    To the court.  Despite highly unethical pleas from ACCrisp, I am
    unable to make the stand right now.  Work has tied me up, so to
    speak, and limited my time.
    
    However, when I do take the stand, the nodes will tremble.
    
    JD

    	Give it up Bob "Witch" Hunt.  You're nothing but a nattering
    nabob of negativism.  Bravo MrT, BRAVO!
    
    				/Don

When the members of the defeated German Waffen SS scattered on the four
winds at the end of WWII, there were certain people who dedicated their
lives to search for them, and bring them to justice for their heinous
crimes.

And so, I put forth to you, that despite the fact that the game is history,
the ticket naught but used stubs collecting lint in the bottom of Onan's
pocket, the affront to justice and human decency that this contest became
still exists.

God is not pleased, I am not pleased, and many other good and decent
people of OURGNG County are not pleased.

The TRUTH will be found.  It will be ferretted out of the dark corner
where ACC Chris and his Cabal of Crooked Cronies (tm) have tried to
hide it.  But, like the flame of a single candle which singlehandedly
defeats all Darkness, the Truth still shines.  Like a brilliant beacon
it beckons to us from that corner.  It will be found.

And on that day, retribution will be swift and savage.  The dead will
rise from their graves to engulf the wrong doers, and the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse will ride the Earth...

Hear Now, and Heed my words...

    Someone's pee-pee will be whacked before this is over, I promise you.
    
    Balliff Hawk

       About time you showed up bailif, will you escort that phony judge
    outta here, please!
                                      Denny

    This judge thing is a real shame.  Wapner was doing a fine job,
    regardless of his identity.  Why not just let him stay on and get this
    trial going again.
    
    In point of fact, can anybody point out ANY wrong or inequitable
    decisions Wapner's made?  I think he's been fair, even though he hasn't
    sided with me very often.
    
    Humbly,
    
    - Dean

    
    "G'morning, people.  Everybody sleep well last night? (Pssst...I
    guess I'm a little late again this morning...did I miss anything
    important?).  Here, buddy, have a doughnut, and pass 'em down the
    bench.  Stay away from the powdered sugar ones if you're wearing
    black, though.  Hey, and make sure the guy down the other end gets
    one. He was kind enough to share his joint with us yesterday. Ha
    Ha, look at 'im, he's already got powder under his nose and he hasn't
    even had a doughnut yet.  Who is he anyway?
    
    "By the way, is this trial carried on ESPN or anything like that?
     If it is, then it must be 'cabal television.'  Hahaha...get it?
    Cabal?  That's a T-word.  Haven't you been listening the last few
    days?
    
    "Ah, thank God it's Friday, eh?  Huh?  What do you mean 'sequestered
    for the weekend?'  No way, Jose!  Hey judge! Sequester *this*! 
    I got a promise this weekend! (Pssst..I guess I told 'im, eh?)
    
    Hey, buddy, give me your hand a minute.. there, feel under the bench.
    Wow...there must be fifty years worth of gum under there!  Like,
    what if some of it is, like, the gum of some famous person. Anyway,
    they may even be dead by now.  Wow, imaging chewing the gum of some
    dead guy!  Pretty freaky thought, huh?
    
    "...Wha? You talkin to me?  Sorry Mr. Bailiff.  Uh, it won't happen
    again.  No, really.  Hey, what are you gonna do with that pointer?
    Hey, no! I told you I'd shut up... WHACK!  OWWOOOOooooooooOOOO!"
    
    -Dick
    

    I feel that I must reveal evidence that I have in this case. Please
    find a juror to take my place.
    
    Thank you,
    
    DrM

    Since we're having such a hard time getting witnesses to the stand,
    I'll go along with allowing DrM to testify.  However I'd at least like
    the courtesy to cross-examine him after ADA-T is finished with him.
    
    
    - Dean
    

    That's *Doctor* to you two.
    
    Anyhow my speciality is in objective analytical discourse of sports,
    particularly in football and basketball.
    
    In addition I am a patron of worthy causes.

Murmurs from the Jury:

	Hey! There's J.R. Ried!

	Shh. That's Dr Midnight

	The famous Celtic Spy!!!!!!!

	SH! Nobody's supposed to know that.

	Hey bud, where'd you get all the balloons?

	Those are condoms, Noodlenose.

	Wow, whoever gave me all those oysters yesterday, the Canuck Minx says 
	Thanks.

	Now we Know why Judge Wapner was wearing a wig.

	Who's Judge Wapner?

	Pay ATTENTION!!

	SHHH!!!

	The Bailiff looks like he slept in his clothes.

	Actually, it looks like he slept in somebody else's clothes, that's a
	blue blouse, and he has one high heel on.

	That guy with the chain saw must be a holy roller. He walked right up
	to me and said `God is peace'.

	He SAID " God is PISSED " , Dorkface!!!!

	S H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    OBJECTION!  Immaterial and highly subjective.  Since we don't have a
    judge, I'll direct my comments directly to the jury.  DrM is no more an
    "objective analyst" than ADA-T is Perry Mason.  He's as biased as
    they come, and is no patron of worthy causes that I know of.  
    
    No, the good doc is much more famous for emotional outbursts,
    intermixed with some verbatim material quoted from an apparently
    exhaustive sports reference library.  He's also been known to offer a
    bribe or two, but we'll here more about *that* little tendency during the
    cross-examination.  :^|
    
    
    - Dean

From:	KEOPS::GOD           9-FEB-1990 04:09:29.13
To:	CAM::WAY
CC:	
Subj:	No one being sworn in...

Chainsaw!  Chainsaw!

Unto thee I give my true Commandment.  Prostrate thyself and prepare
to hear.....


First off, my son, you should get me a version of NOTES for my 9000
in Heaven.  It's getting damned inconvenient to keep having to convince
the DECnet objects on KEOPS that "I am that I am".  Thou shalt
send me a version, and I shall have the Holy Ghost install it post
haste.

Second, I'm very perturbed that no one in the OURGNG County Court
is being sworn in.  When, at the end of the swearing in, they say
"So help you, God", it is not just a cliche.  If they say that, then
I make sure they tell the truth.

Also, tell MrT that his prayers have been answered.  I am sending him
strength for the ordeal.  Tell ACC Chris that if he confesses his wrong
doings, and repents of his scurrilous ways, that his place in Heaven
is still ensured.

And Chainsaw, I must have a word with you about your threats of bodily
harm to other individuals.  Threatening to dismember people, verily I
say unto you, threatening to deface their genitalia with your chainsaw,
is not acceptable.  Thou shalt not raise thy chainsaw 'gainst any man
who hast threatened you not with bodily harm.  Thou shalt abide
my Commandments or I shall strike thee down with lightening from on
high.

Finally, please inform the Bailiff, that the wearing of women's clothes
goes against the "Honor Thy Father and Mother" commandment.  If they
had wanted him to wear women's clothing, I would have made him 
a girl.


Chainsaw, rise now, my son, and spread to all the tidings....

I have spoken...

>    Anyhow my speciality is in objective analytical discourse of sports,
>    particularly in football and basketball.
    
    See what happens when you forget to make them take the oath to tell the
    Troof, so help you God!!!
    
    Mike

    Looks like there's a pee-pee that needs whacking!  Dock?

    May not have time for testimony today, but when I do, haids will
    roll heheheheheheheheheheheheheh.
    
    I've also got a list of cross charges to file that could keep this
    sucker in court until nexted year!!!
    
    Sarge

    What's a matter JD, can't squeeze your lats into that T-shirt??
    
    Hah!!!!!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    "All rise!  The courtroom is now in session.
    
    "This court has been nothing but fair and impartial throughout these
    proceedings.  Instead of basing any decisions on innuendo, the counsels
    ought to examine the spotless record thusfar produced in the court
    ledger.  ADA-T's attempt to avoid justice has failed and the trial
    shall continue as planned.  Any more desparate moves by the prosecutor,
    doubtlessly inspired by the late senator from Wisconsin, Joe McCarthey,
    and I shall find ADA-T in contempt and order the good Bailiff Szabo to
    whack his peepee without mercy!
    
    "Further, there are allegations of jury-tampering now.  It is not
    allowable for a jurist to resign, and then attempt to take the stand
    for the prosecution!  It is a complete lack of ethics and lawyerly
    training that the prosecutor would even move to have a former jurist
    give testimony on this behalf.  Therefore, we shan't delay justice in
    this matter.  Bailiff, remove Jurist Brooks from the jury box, by force
    if necessary, and give him your suitable punishment.  No, you can't use
    my gavel.
    
    "We shall commence where we left off.  Either the testimony of Mr.
    Devlin will be heard, or the cross-examinations of Mr. Ross or Mr.
    Schneider."
    
    Judge Wapner

    Yo Judge,
    
    COMTEMPT this!  You'll hang in hell, buddy.
    
    Sarge
    

Notice...


Once again we have a KNorr reply then a wapner reply....

Leave us ACCyst-wapner....

Let's get a real judge in on these proceedings


Metz

From:	HELL::AHRIMAN        9-FEB-1990 11:47:29.13
To:	CAM::WAY
CC:	
Subj:	I am not pleased

Chainsaw!  Chainsaw!

Bow down to me you speck of vermin feces!

How dare you enter the utterings of my adversary in this court!  Don't
you know that *I* Lucifer, the Morning Star, aka Beelzebub, aka Old
Scratch, aka Satan, control the Judge, the Defense, and the outcome
of this trial?

Don't you know, you inconsequential dungheap that I am the Cabal?
I am Hitler, I am Mao, I am Khomeini???  Don't you know that I
am in the body of Dean Smith, and that I am controlling all events?

That I of infinite power, even control that juror's bladder and bowels????

Don't you know that I command Onan's hand, that I command the mouth
of Mr Ross?

Chainsaw, you impotent flea-ridden toothless cur, if you persist in
putting my adversary's utterings in here, I will rack your body
with pustulent sores, I will shrink your genitalia to miniscule
proportions, I will make you regurgitate green pea-soup/oatmeal vomitus
all over your beloved slut Kelly Bundy....

And tell Bailiff Szabo that he is not whacking hard enough for my tastes!

Thus I have spoken....

    
    "Hang him!  Toss him into the slammer for life!"
    
    Judge:  "May I remind the jury that I have not yet called upon you
            to submit any decisions yet as to the disposition of the
            defendant."
    
    "Defendant, hell! I mean the prosecutor!  He's takin' so long to
    put forth some evidence that he's screwing up my whole orgiastic
    weekend!  I mean this chick I got lined up is *fine*, and she's
    got these really big... Hold it, bailiff!  I know, I know, I'll
    sit down and be good.
    
    "Pssst...what's that guy with the chainsaw doin' grovelling on the
    floor of courtroom."
    
    "...some kind of prostrate problem."
    
    -Dick
    

All I got to say is you folks better get on with this....

I mean, I've got God shoutin' at me through one of my development
nodes, because he doesn't have notes on his VAX9000 (wonder who the
salesman was for *that* deal?), I've got the devil bustin'
through on his own node (I don't even wanna know...),
and now, the Church Lady wants me to appear on her show.

Meanwhile, I've been waitin' to see what all this evidence is.

Also, I wouldn't trust Judge Wapner as far as you could throw him.
He's as much of a Judge as I am a Roman Catholic priest...

In the meantime, I've got these sores starting to come up, all over
my body, and dang it, I've been burpin' pea soup and oatmeal all morning.

So, would all of you legal dweebles puh-lease get some evidence out
here...fergit about Wapner, fergit about Smif'...just get it out
here.....

Chainsaw

I received this a little bit ago. After some thought, I decided it shoul be
posted. I think it speaks for itself.

Mike JN

           <<< OURGNG::SYS$SYSDEVICE:[NOTES$LIBRARY]SPORTS.NOTE;1 >>>
                 -< OURGNG::SPORTS - Digital's daily tabloid >-
================================================================================
Note 110.647             Celtics Ticket Giveaway Contest!             647 of 647
GENRAL::BABS "StuntDoubles'reTwiceTheFun"            20 lines   9-FEB-1990 14:11
                                 -< HELP! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Mike JN,

	I put this in the file, then decided to send it to you and delete it.
Maybe you can decide if it should go back in or not.

	There's something fishy about that judge (besides his breath). For one
thing, the teeny peeny twerp was useless. Plus, he spent half the night trying
to convince me he was the second coming of Joe Namath. Plus, he's got a New
York Jets sticker on his butt (Wierd, huh?). Plus, he kept getting in these
long, involved phone conversations with a Mr. Nor (or something like that).
Plus!! (and this really torqued me off), he kept calling me Kelly! (You know I
hate that, and Kelly was with Frank, anyway). I can't keep track of what is
going on with this stupid trial, you know I can't keep track of this kind of
stuff. So I'm going back to your house. I talked to Roxette, and she's planning
on hanging around. She thinks the Bailiff is a cutie-pie. (She also said she
can't find her high heels anywhere). Tell me what happened when you get home
tonight.

Love and X's
Your Babs

Meanwhile, word of the trial has reached a nearby drinking
establishment....


	Cliff:  See, whatcha got here, is yer, ah, basic corruption
	        type trial....  This guy, Snore, er, ah, whatever
	   	his name is, rooked off a buncha yer basic computer
	 	types, for some tickets fer the, ah, Celtics..

	Norm:  	Bet that never woulda happened in the Post Office,
		eh, Cliff?

	Cliff:	Nah, yer postal carriers are a pretty sharp bunch,
	  	if I do say so myself, there, Norm.

	Norm:	Whadda ya think of this Wapner guy?

	Cliff:	I dunno, there, Norm.  Somethin' about him ain't
		right, ya know.

	Woody:	Judge Wapner's okay.  He was in here the othe day.

	Norm: 	He was?

	Woody:  Yeah, he gave me this NY Jets jacket...pretty nice, huh?

		

>    Doctor, you seem to be burdened with an odious onus there, those
                                             ^^^^^^^^^^^

Not to be confused with "adios anus" which is what Pancho Villa
used to yell to the Sheriff of the towns he would ransack...

HTH,
Chainsaw

    First of all, let me say that I don't want to be within a cold country
    mile of Frank Way when the Man Upstairs decides to fry his girly-mon
    behind.
    
    Furthermore, I am a witness. Period. Not for the prosecution or
    the defense. My shoulders do not sag at all.
    
    Well, anyhow, it's like this T :
    
    As you know (and anybody who knows me), I could not 1) Give a hoot
    in hell for the Fungus, uh Celtics, or N.C. basketball. I like SWC
    and Big East basketball. J.R. Reid could stack plates on his butt
    until he gets Carolina blue in the face, I could care less.
    
    So I wrote a reply that I figured wouldn't win, and I asked Chris
    in the mail what he thought of it for fun. And ....

From:	KEOPS::GOD           9-FEB-1990 14:49:29.13
To:	CAM::WAY
CC:	
Subj:	Dr Midnight a Doubting Thomas?

Chainsaw!  Chainsaw!

Unto thee I give my true Commandment.  Prostrate thyself and prepare
to hear.....

Carry my word unto Doubting Thomas Dr Midnight....

The Chainsaw is an Instrument of My Word...he is not a girly-mon, 
but a duly appointed representative of the City, Country, and State
of Heaven.  

I would not "fry his behind" unless he makes more idle threats about
dismemberment of innocent people.

However, my Commandment about not bearing false witness is reiterated
to all those who take the stand...

Chainsaw, arise my son, and carry the Word to the heathens in the
courtroom....

Thus, I have spoken

Murmurs from the Jury:

	What's an odious anus?

	That's ONUS!

	shhh

	The PENguin?!

	No, that's Bloom County.

	You mean Bloomfield?

	No BLOOM!!!

	SHHHH!!!

	BLOOM YOURSELF! SO BLAM! (TM)

	SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

	What the hell's that got to do with his Anus?

	Just shutup.

	But...!

	The Prosecutor's looking at you.

	I didn't do noth...

	JUST SHUTUP!

	S H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (The stunned masses turn towards the courtroom door as the rumble
    of murmurs and whispers overtake the trial scene.  All of a sudden
    the courtroom doors burst open as the stoic silhouette of a lean,
    but wirery figure emerges from the sunlit hallway.  The ladies in
    the courtroom attendance gasp at the man they only heard of, but
    never had the grace of meeting in person....
    
    ...As he saunters into the courtroom, the star witness glances toward
    the bailiff and scoffs aloud in contempt.  "Whack *this*," he thinks
    to himself in mock arrogance.
    
    He settles in on the witness stand and stands awaiting the court
    officer to approach him with the Bible)

>        Mr. Lefebvre, doyousweartotellthewholetruthandnothingbutthetruthso
>    helpyouGod?

        
    LEFEBVRE: (Looking around, obviously looking for a spit-toon)
    <sphlaaattt> (The courtroom groans in disgust as the witnesses hurls
     a jetstream of tobacco juice on the courtroom floor.
    
    "Sorry, your Honor."
    
    "I do"
    
>    Mr. Lefebvre, earlier Mr. Dan Schneider - the witness not the phony
>    judge - testified that he had planned to take you with his second
>    ticket.  Now, one would wonder what made Mr. Schneider so certain
>    that he'd win in the first place, but the guy's a_egomaniac so we'll
>    leave that outta this.  
>    
>    But he changed his mind and decided to use it to take another guest
>    to the game.  Please tell the court the explanation given you by
>    Mr. Schneider when he told you that you'd been dealt out of his
>    plans.

    "Well, Mr. Shaughnessy, it wasn't exackaly like you said. Actually,
    Mr. Schneider never actually agreed to take me to the game, but
    rather, he said he'd "keep me in mind".  This occurred several
    days before the end of the contest."
    

    Anyway, after the contest winner was announced, I send an inquiry
    to Mr. Schneider asking if he would consider me as a guest, seeing
    as I've never had the pleasure of attending a Celtics game.'
    
>    MrT: And what was his response?    

    Well, I forget the exact wording, but Mr. Schneider said the did
    consider taking me, but that he was "coerced" into taking the runner
    up."
    
        
    
    

Ooohh, ahhhhhh, ooohhh, ahhhhh, murmur,murmur, murmur....

Lufay to the Courtroom Artist:

	Dammit, don't draw them velour shorts!

Oohhh, ahhhh, ooohh, ahhhh


Howard Cosell:  And the crowd goes wild with Lufay's testimony...Lufay
	        could go *all* **the** ***way***!

    LEFEBVRE (to stenographer):  "Hey honey, we could use a cook like
    you up at Deer Camp."
    
    

    Thinking to myself......
    
    .......this Lufay guy better hope da judge don't order up a whacking
    for him.  Boy, I'd like to whack the living spit outta his pee-pee,
    friggin' velour-faced Volvo yuppie freak.......
    
    Hrrumph!
    
    

    re.650
    
    I thought Cliffie was last seen nearing the world's record for s stupid
    stunt, ie consecutive hours on the new mechanical bull at Cheers!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

>Carry my word unto Doubting Thomas Dr Midnight....


	Chainsaw, thanks for clearing this up for me. I always wondered
what Doc Midnight's first name was..

	"Paging Dr. Midnight, Dr, Thomas Midnight... Your Celtics seasons
tickets are h... oops, it says here not to say that out loud"

	Jim M

From:	HELL::SATAN          9-FEB-1990 15:20:29.13
To:	CAM::WAY
CC:	
Subj:	I am not pleased

Chainsaw!  Chainsaw!

Bow down to me you speck of vermin feces!

WHO IS THIS WILDMAN THAT HAS ENTERED UPON THE STAND AND SWORN WITH
THE HELP OF MY ADVERSARY?????....

ANSWER ME you goat's testicle?  I am controlling this trial and I
know nothing of this witness???

Answer me I COMMAND YOU!!!!!!

If you do not find out who this witness is (and where he got those
cute velour shorts) I will put a pox on thee and all of thy line.

I command the body of Dean Smif', where is he?  Where is his questioning
visage????

ANSWER ME you supporating, pustular sore of a Man!!!!

I will prevail.  The corruption that is ACC Chris and his contest, no
MY contest, will prevail!!!!!!

So I have spoken.,..ON your feet swine, and find my answers...