Conference 7.286::sports_90

    A guy comes home from work.  Meeting him at the door is his wife.
    
    wife:  Honey, the car broke down today.
    
    Husband:  Why are you telling me this.  There's nothing on my shirt
              that says Mr. Goodwrench.  Call a damned mechanic.
    
    The next day, he is met again at the door by his wife.
    
    Wife:  Honey, the washing machine broke today.
    
    Husband:  Do you see "Maytag" on my shirt?  Call tha appliance repair
              shop.
    
    He comes home the next day to the following news.
    
    Wife:  Honey, I found somebody to fix both the car and the washing
           machine.
    
    Husband:  Who??
                                         
    
    Wife:  Harry, our next door neighbor.
           
    Husband:  How much did he charge??
    
    Wife:  He said that I could either bake him a cake or go to bed
           with him.
           
    Husband:  Well, what did you do.
    
    Wife:Do You See "BETTY CROCKER" anywhere on my shirt???
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Did you hear about the midget psychic that escaped from prison?
    
    The headlines read: "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!"
    
    Claybone

    When posting jokes, please keep in mind that the "Official" JOKES
    notesfile was taken off the net due to offensive material.  Try to keep
    the jokes clean and free of ethnic slurs.

    A 3rd grade teacher, Miss Smith, is playing a guessing game with
    her class. With her hands behind her back, she says "In my right
    hand I'm holding something thats long, yellow, and soft. Can anyone
    guess what it is?"
    Little Johnny stands up and says "Its a squash!"
    Miss Smith: "No, its a banana, but I like the way you think, Johnny."
    She says "In my left hand, I have a round, red, hard fruit. What
    is it??"
    Little Johnny stands, "It's a beet!"
    Miss Smith: "No, its an apple, but I like the way you think, Johnny."
    Then she say that its the kids turn. Johnny stands up and says,
    "In my hand thats in my pocket, I have a hard, round thing with
    a head on it. Can you guess what it is?" Miss Smith turns red and
    says, "Johnny get to the Principals office NOW!!" 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    He says, "Miss Smith, its only a nickel, but I like way YOU think!!" 
    
    

One thing that I've found helpful re material that might be 
borderline is the inclusion of a form-feed.

If you think you might have something which someone would find offensive,
then hide the joke behind a form-feed (CTRL/V, CTRL/L in Eve) and
remind them not to hit return or nexted screen.

Simple.

Chainsaw, who only takes offense when yous make fun of chewin' tobaccy.

       EVE!! Sounds like a girly editor to me!
                                          Denny

    Didn't EVE lose CNTRL in the Garden and that's why we wear clothes now?
    
    Hawk

Subj:	Gun's don't kill people, trees do.

Date: Fri, 15 Dec 89 12:37:12 est
From: Eric Haines <eye!erich@wrath.cs.cornell.edu>
Subject: Hunting wounds
 
From some LA paper, in a column by Roger Simon:
 
"A recently released federal study, however, showed that 50% of all
hunting accidents come from hunters falling out of trees."

Yeah, that's the ticket.

EVE is a manly editor.  The reason being because it's *extensible*.

'Nuff said.


Re hunters falling out of trees...

That's not very sporting.  I mean, if I want to shoot a squirrel, I
stay on the ground and aim UP, so that if I miss I might hit either
a bird flying up above, or better yet, a low flying plane...

I mean, what's the point of climbing the tree to get the squirrel?
Maybe if you miss him you can hit the attacking masturbating zombies
below?  Or your could club him to death, I suppose.

Personally, I take cut the tree down then shoot whatever runs away...


Chainsaw

    Chainsaw, this one's fer you!
    
    Why don't cowboys get circumcised(sp?)?
    
    That's where they put their snuff when they're done with it!
    
    Skoal brother,
    
    Claybone

    rolllllllllllllllllllllllllwarddddddddddddddddddddddd
    
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    GO BRAVES!!!!
    
    And take the Falcons with you!
    
    jab (For some reason, I hear a collective groan throughout notesville)

    Heres a real good sports joke..........
    
    
    
    
    The Clevescum Clowns !!!!!
    
    HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!
    
    Best one I've heard in a long time..
    
    Big Game

    Where does Tampa Bay keep their Buccaneers??????
    
    
    Under their buckin' hat.
    
    JaKe
    

    Another super funny Sports Jokes.......
    
    
    
    
    Howie Long In The Pro Bowl, Now that funny.....  HA HA HA HA HA !!!
    
    
    Big Game

Coach Erickson from U Miami knows about 3/4 of his team is about to flunk off.
The Dean has stated that he'd give the team a test consisting of 3 questions.
The players would then have 1 hour to discuss by committee the answer to the 
3 questions.  The Dean gives the questions to the team and they go off and try
to solve the problems.  An hour passes and the players return to the locker
room.  The Dean addresses the students:

Dean: OK guys, question #1.  How many days of the week begin with the letter T?

Player #1 (jumping up and down): I know the answer to that one.  TWO!  Today
and Tomorrow!

The Dean shakes his head and decides to go on question #2.

Dean: Question #2, how many seconds in a year?

Player #2 (leaping from his seat): TWELVE!  January 2nd, February 2nd.....

The Dean shakes his head some more and asks the third question.

Dean: Question #3, how many d's are there in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

Player #3 comes flying out of his seat:  TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE!!!!!
Dean: 265?  Where do you get 265?

Player #3:	dee-de de de de de deeeee,
		de-de de de dee de deee,
		dee dee dee dee de de de,
		dee dee dee dee de de de,

					Steve

    
                         ME!  YOU'RE CALLIN' ME!  
    
                         YOU'VE GOT TO BE NUTS!!!
                       HE'S GOT HIS HAND IN MY EYE!
    
           Oh, sorry...for a moment there I thought I was on the court.
           At the whistle give me your number and I'll get back at ya.
    
            Tweet!
    
           
           

These two {insert ethnic heritage of your choice} fellows decided to
go ice fishing.

They got their tent all set up, and were sitting on their little stools,
next to their portable heater, when they heard this voice:

	"There are no fish under the ice"

"Did you hear something?," said one to the other.
"No, I didn't," replied the second.

A few minutes passed, and again the voice spoke:

	"There are no fish under the ice"


"I know I heard something that time," said the first.
"Yes, I did too.  I think it was the Lord," responded the second.

"Oh Lord, is that You?" asked the first fellow.

And the voice answered:

	"No, it's the rink manager..."

    
    Stop me if you've heard this one...
    
    Three guys meet at the hunting lodge after a day in the woods. 
    Noticing a large hole in one of the hunters velour L.L. Bean shirts,
    a hunter asks what happened.  "Well, says the first hunter, you
    see, I..well...didn't have any toilet paper with me today, and...I
    just had to make do with what I had."
    
       "That's crazy!" says the second hunter.  "Why didn't you just
    use your T-shirt. It would have been a lot cheaper than ruining
    a forty dollar shirt."
    
       "Well," says the third hunter, "I think you're both missing the
    mark.  Why even ruin a ten dollar T-shirt, when I bet that both
    of you boys have a dollar somewhere in your pockets right now. 
    I know it's cash, but then again, you'd only be wasting a dollar,
    am I right, boys?"  The two guys were dumfounded by the obvious
    simplicity of the solution.
    
       The next day, they meet again at the lodge, and hunter number
    2 takes off his hunting vest to reveal a huge tear in his undershirt.
    "Bob," says the third hunter, "didn't you hear what I said yesterday,
    or did you lose the dollar you said you had?"
    
    "Hummph!" he snorted.  "A lot of good *your* advice is!  All I ended
    up with was a lot of $hit on my fingers and four quarters up my
    a$$!!"
    

    Speaking of Velour...
    
    The SPORTS swimsuit issue is out and I noticed some models wearing
    velour bikinis.  I hear one of them is Lufay's wife :-)
    
    Mike

    I bought one for her as a stocking stuffer.  Nice change from the
    velour jammies.
    
    Mark.

    Not really a sports joke......
    
    This guy goes into a bar and tells the bartender to give him a glass
    of 12 year old scotch.  The bartender says that it's expensive and
    that he keeps it in the back.  The guy says no problem.  The
    bartender goes in the back to get the scotch.  While he's back there,
    he decides he can rip this guy off by giving him 8 year old scotch
    and charging him for the 12 year old scotch.  The bartender brings
    out a glass of the 8 year old scotch and gives it to him.  The guy
    takes a big swig and spits it out on the floor and yells at the
    bartender to bring him 12 year old scotch, not 8 year old scotch.
    The bartender, still convinced that he can rip this guy off, goes
    in back and pours him some 10 year old scotch.  He brings it out
    and gives it to him.  The guy takes a swig, gets urinated, and spits
    it on the bartender and tells him he wants 12 year old scotch, not
    10 year old scotch.  The bartender, a little miffed himself, says
    fine.  He goes in the back and comes back out with another glass.
    He gives it to the guy who takes a big drink.  The guys spits this
    out too and yells "This is piss!".  The bartender says "That's right!
    Now tell me how old I am!".
    

I was noodling through Soapbox and saw the following:


================================================================================

                 Great moments in the history of dwarfs....          

                                  ************
                               -< Famous Dinks >-
                                  ************

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                         Spud Webb drafted by the NBA
                                 Doug Flutie
              Tim Conway writes nasty rebuttal to "short people"
                       Marylou Rettin wins olympic gold
                     Danny DeVito makes directorial debut
    
    Of course, none of these people is strictly a dwarf, but they are all 
    "dinks": a "dink" being defined as someone whose butt is so close to
    the ground, that when they fart they blow sand all over their reeboks .

    In California, a DINK is:
    
    Dual Income No Kids

              I still like Robin Williams' description of Golf:




     Golf is white middle-class men's excuse for dressing up like pimps.

Mike JN

Hear about the man who turned up on the first tee of his course and saw a man
dressed to the nines preparing to tee off. The two paired up and started to
play a round. After a while, the first man asked, "Do you always dress up like
that when you play golf?

"Oh no," replied the second "It's just that I'm going on to a high class party
straight after this and I won't have time to change."

The two finished playing the round and then the `dressed up' man asked the
other: "Would you like to come to the party too? There'll be lots of good food,
drink and women"

"Well.. I really don't think I'm dressed up enough for it" replied the first
man.

"Oh I don't think anyone will worry about it" said the second.
    
So he agreed to go along and they both got into the second man's car.

As they were waling into the party, the first man noticed he had two golf balls
in his jacket pocket which made his pocket bulge out. Deciding this didn't look
very appealing, he removed the balls from his jacket and stuffed one in each of
his trouser pockets.

Whilst he was mingling at the party the hostess, a very refined lady, walked
over and said: "Excuse me.... I couldn't help noticing those bulges in your
trousers...What are they?

"Well actually," replied the man slightly embarassed "they're golf balls"

"Oh dear," replied the hostess "Is that like tennis elbow?!" 

                            Not Sports, but funny

                          INSURANCE CLAIM STATEMENTS
 
 
    THE FOLLOWING ARE AUTHENTIC, UNRETOUCHED STATEMENTS WRITTEN BY AUTOMOBILE
DRIVERS WHO WERE INVOLVED IN ACCIDENTS.  THEY ARE COLLECTED FROM INSURANCE
FORMS IN WHICH DRIVERS WERE ASKED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF THEIR CALAMI-
TIES IN THE FEWEST WORDS POSSIBLE.
 
 
-  COMING HOME I DROVE INTO THE WRONG HOUSE AND COLLIDED WITH A TREE I 
	DIDN'T HAVE.
 
-  A TRUCK BACKED THROUGH MY WINDSHIELD AND INTO MY WIFES FACE.
 
-  IN AN ATTEMPT TO KILL A FLY, I DROVE INTO A TELEPHONE POLE.
 
-  I HAD BEEN SHOPPING FOR PLANTS ALL DAY AND WAS ON MY WAY HOME.  AS I
	REACHED AN INTERSECTION, A HEDGE SPRANG UP, OBSCURING MY VISION
	AND I DID NOT SEE THE OTHER CAR.
 
-  THE GENTLEMEN BEHIND ME STRUCK ME ON THE BACKSIDE.  HE THEN WENT TO 
	REST IN A BUSH WITH JUST HIS REAR END SHOWING.
 
-  I HAD BEEN DRIVING FOR 40 YEARS WHEN I FELL ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL AND
	HAD AN ACCIDENT.
 
-  AN INVISIBLE CAR CAME OUT OF NOWHERE, STRUCK MY CAR AND VANISHED.
 
-  THE INDIRECT CAUSE OF THE ACCIDENT WAS A LITTLE GUY IN A SMALL CAR
	WITH A BIG MOUTH.
 
-  THE TELEPHONE POLE WAS APPROACHING.  I WAS ATTEMPTING TO SWERVE OUT
	OF ITS WAY WHEN I STRUCK MY FRONT END.
 
-  I COLLIDED WITH A STATIONARY TRUCK COMING THE OTHER WAY.
 
-  I HAD BEEN LEARNING TO DRIVE WITH POWER STEERING.  I TURNED THE WHEEL
	TO WHAT I THOUGHT WAS ENOUGH AND FOUND MYSELF IN A DIFFERENT 
	DIRECTION GOING THE OPPOSITE WAY.
 
-  I PULLED AWAY FROM THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, GLANCED AT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW
	AND HEADED OVER THE EMBANKMENT.
 
-  A PEDESTRIAN HIT ME AND WENT UNDER MY CAR.
 
-  THE GUY WAS ALL OVER THE ROAD.  I HAD TO SWERVE A NUMBER OF TIMES 
	BEFORE I HIT HIM.
 
-  I WAS BACKING MY CAR OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY IN THE USUAL MANNER, WHEN IT 
	WAS STRUCK BY THE OTHER CAR IN THE SAME PLACE IT HAD BEEN STRUCK
	SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE.
 
-  TO AVOID HITTING THE BUMPER OF THE CAR IN FRONT, I STRUCK THE PEDESTRIAN.
 
-  I WAS SURE THE OLD FELLOW WOULD NEVER MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE 
	ROAD WHEN I STRUCK HIM.
 
-  THE PEDESTRIAN HAD NO IDEA WHICH WAY TO RUN, SO I RAN OVER HIM.
 
-  I SAW A SLOW MOVING, SAD FACED OLD GENTLEMAN, AS HE BOUNCED OFF THE
	HOOD OF MY CAR.
 
-  WHEN I SAW I COULD NOT AVOID A COLLISION I STEPPED ON THE GAS AND 
	CRASHED INTO THE OTHER CAR.
 
-  THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED WHEN THE RIGHT FRONT DOOR OF A CAR CAME AROUND
	THE CORNER WITHOUT GIVING A SIGNAL.
 
-  I TOLD THE POLICE THAT I WAS NOT INJURED, BUT ON REMOVING MY HAT,
	I FOUND THAT I HAD A FRACTURED SKULL.
 
-  I WAS THROWN FROM MY CAR AS IT LEFT THE ROAD.  I WAS LATER FOUND
	IN A DITCH BY SOME STRAY COW.
 
-  MY CAR WAS LEGALLY PARKED AS IT BACKED INTO THE OTHER VEHICLE.
 
-  THE OTHER CAR COLLIDED WITH MINE WITHOUT GIVING WARNING OF ITS
	INTENTIONS.
 
-  NO ONE WAS TO BLAME FOR THE ACCIDENT BUT IT WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED
	IF THE OTHER DRIVER HAD BEEN ALERT.
 
-  I WAS UNABLE TO STOP IN TIME AND MY CAR CRASHED INTO THE OTHER VEHICLE.
	THE DRIVER AND PASSENGERS THEN LEFT IMMEDIATELY FOR A VACATION
	WITH INJURIES.
 
-  THE PEDESTRIAN RAN FOR THE PAVEMENT, BUT I GOT HIM.
 
-  AS I APPROACHED THE INTERSECTION, A SIGN SUDDENLY APPEARED IN A PLACE
	WHERE NO STOP SIGN HAD EVER APPEARED BEFORE.  I WAS UNABLE TO STOP
	IN TIME TO AVOID THE ACCIDENT.
 
-  I SAW HER LOOK AT ME TWICE.  SHE APPEARED TO BE MAKING SLOW PROGRESS
	WHEN WE MET ON IMPACT.
 
-  THE ACCIDENT OCCURRED WHEN I WAS ATTEMPTING TO BRING MY CAR OUT OF A
	SKID BY STEERING IT INTO THE OTHER VEHICLE.
 
-  I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE DOCTOR WITH READ END TROUBLE WHEN MY UNIVERSAL
	JOINT GAVE WAY CAUSING ME TO HAVE AN ACCIDENT.
 
- I THOUGHT I COULD SQUEEZE BETWEEN TWO TRUCKS WHEN MY CAR BECAME SMASHED.
 
- I BACKED INTO MY NEIGHBOR'S PARKED CAR.  IT WASN'T MY FAULT, HE WAS
	SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK.
 

 

          

    Take one class of elementary school students, mix it thoroughly
with several pounds of scientific facts. Then shake it up with an
examination and you have the perfect formula for instant
"youngsterisms" about science. 

    The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from
essays, exams, and class room discussions; most were from fifth- and
sixth-graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most
interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they
know and then stop." 

    Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the
amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. 

    You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you
came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. 

    Talc is found in rocks and on babies.

    The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

    When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed
with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed
with explosions. 

    Clouds are high flying fogs.

    When people run around and around in circles we say they are
crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. 

    Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

    While the Earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from
the sun, it is really only centrificating. 

    Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
direction. 

    South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they
still manage. 

    Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime. 

    Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are
180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees
between north and south. 

    A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
wants to go. 

    There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to
be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. 

    There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the
Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. 

    Lime is a green-tasting rock.
 
    Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others
preferred to be oil. 

    Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't
why you should. 

    Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we
know they're there. 

    Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make
water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. 

    Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I
have never been able to make out the numbers. 

    We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation 
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. 

    To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up. 

    In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there
are twice as many H's as O's. 

    I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do
it, and that is the important thing. 

    Clouds just keep circling the Earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do. 

    Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be
called a drop, it does. 

    When there is fog, you might as well not mind looking at it.

    Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

    We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

    In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

    When rain water strikes forest fires, it heckstingwishes them.
Luckily it affects we of the humans unlike that. 

    Rain is often spoken of as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

    Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

    In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

    Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will
kill the strongest man. 

    A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

    A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

    A monsoon is a French gentleman.

    A thunderstorm is like a shower, only moreso.

    Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

    Isotherms and isobars are even more important that their names sound.

    It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have
to live other places. 

    The wind is like the air, only pushier.

    Question: In what ways are we dependant on the sun? Answer: We can
always depend on the sun for sunburn and tidal waves. 

    Until it is decided whether tornadoes are typhoons or hurricanes,
we must continue to call them tornadoes. 

    I Have a Great Sports Joke.....
    
    
    
    
    The
    
    
    
    Clevescum
    
    
    
    Clowns
    
    
    
    Now Thats funny !!!!   Ha Ha Ha !!
    
    Big Game

    The REAL story behind Bernie Kosar's elbow.
    
    
    Seems that earlier in the year when Bernie "Blowhard" Kosar's elbow
    started getting sore he went to see the team doctor about it.
    The doctor had just had a new analytic computer installed and the nurse
    asked Bernie for a urine sample.  When Bernie got to see the doctor
    he asked him why he needed a urine sample when Bernie's problem was 
    his elbow??  The doctor explained that the new computer analyzed the
    urine and could tell him anything he wanted to know medically about the
    sample donator.  The doctor then proceeds to tell Bernie that he has
    tendonitis in the elbow and to rest it for a week and then return with
    a urine sample.
    A week goes by and Bernie is set to return to he doctor but he decides
    to trick the doctor.  He has his "boyfriend"pi$$ in the jar, his sister
    also pi$$es in it, his dog pi$$es in it, his mother pi$$es in it, and
    he drains some oil from his car into it and lastly, he pounds his
    penicular appendage into it.
    
    He takes it to the doctor's office, and , once in to see the doctor,
    the doctor says, Well Bernie, your boyfriend has AIDS, your sister is
    pregnant with Steve Garvey's kid, your mother has syphilis, your dog
    has rabies, AND
    If you don't quit jerking off your elbows never gonna get better.
    
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    JaKe,
    
     You're outta control  Turbo::OUTACONTROL would be proud to
    know a guy like you.  You slay me.......  Keep up the good work
    
    Congrats,
    
    Big Gamey
    

    The biggest joke of all...
    
    
    			THE PITTSBURG STEELERS!
    

    An even bigger Joke
    
    
    White-dawg-crap-for-brains-hair
    
    & 
    
     His Buddy
    
    The Groaner
    
    YAP! YAP! YAP!
    
    Big Game

    Bernie Kosar and Matt Bahr were walking down the street in Clevescum
    last week and they noticed that across the street, a doberman pincer
    was licking his filberts, to which Bernie said, "Boy, I wish I could do
    that.  Bahr looked at him and said, 
    I think you better pet him first.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Bernie the wuss in a bar:
    
    
    
    Bernie and the Dawgturds were in a bar a couple of nights agoand there
    was a guy demonstrating to the Brown(spot)s what true bravery and
    toughness
    is.  The guy pulls out a large cage from which he removes a 10 foot
    alligator.  To demonstrate the meanness of this animal, he takes a 4
    foot section of 2 x 4 and opens the alligator's mouth, then puts the
    piece of wood in it's mouth.  The alligator's jaw snaps shut and
    shatters the 2 x 4.  The man then says, "Now I'll show you tough."
    To which he drops his pants and opens the alligator's mouth and sticks
    his penicular appendage inside, and in the meantime, starts punching
    the animal in the face.
    When he finishes, he turns to the crowd and says, "Now, is there anyone
    here tough enough who wants to try that???"
    
    To which, Bernie Kosar stands up and says, "yeah, I'll do it, BUT
    
    
    
    You don't have to punch me in the Face.
    
    JaKe

    Wish I had some Bounties.......
    
    :-)
    
    Hawk

	This Cleveland Brown's Cheerleader moonlights as a cashier in a drug
store. A guy comes walking in and says:

	" I'd like to get some `Head n Shoulders'. "

" Sure " said the cheerleader, with a big smile on her face... then she kinda
frowns...... " but what's `shoulders'? "

Mike JN

    
    	Wrong, wrong, wrong,
    
    		Cleveland doesn't use Cheerleaders...
    
    	I'll bash YOU tomorrow!
    
    		Milk-me.
    

    I'm floorward.....  JaKe,  you gotta come out to CXO....  I'll buy the
    beer, and thats something to celebrate in it's self.
    
    Big Gamey

    .35 HAHAHHAHAHAhA!!!!! I AM ROOOLLLIINNNGGG!!!
    

	a little joke about people who hunt down deer.........
    
	      		    THE DEER HUNT
 SATURDAY

1:00AM		Alarm Clock rings.
2:00		Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of a warm bed.
2:30		Throw everything except the kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00		Leave for deep woods.
3:15		Arrive back home, pick up gun.
3:30		Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00		Set up camp, forgot the %%*&##! tent.
4:30		Head into woods.
6:05		See 8 deer grazing.
6:06		Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07		Click !!
6:08		Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00		Head back to camp.
9:00		Still looking for camp.
10:00		Realize you don't know where camp is.
NOON		Fire gun for help, eat wild berries.
2:15PM		Run out of shells, 8 deer come back to close range.
2:20		Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30		Realize you ate poison berries.
2:45		"Rescued"
2:55		Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
4:00		Arrive back to camp.
4:30		Leave camp to kill deer.
4:35		Return to camp for shells.
4:40		Load gun, leave camp again.
5:00		Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00		Arrive back at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01		Load gun.
6:02		Fire gun.
6:03		Score bulls-eye on pickup truck.
6:05		Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06		Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 		Fall into fire.
6:10		Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire.
6:15		Take pickup and leave partner and his deer in deep woods.
6:25		Pickup boils over, hole in block.
6:26		Start walking.
6:30		Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35		Meet bear.
6:36		Take aim.
6:37		Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38		Smell offensive odor emitting from pants.
6:39		Climb tree.
6:39		Bear departs, you wrap the %%*&##! gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT	Home at last.

 SUNDAY		
Watch football game on TV while slowly tearing up license into little
pieces, placed in envelope and mail to game warden with clear instructions
on where to place it.

    
    
    Whottya call a mushroom in a bar who buys everybody drinks
    
    all night long?
    
    
    
    
    
    	A fungi to be with.....
    
    
    
    :*)

    I entered this one in the old SPORTS - enjoy!
    
    
    
    
    
    
Note 667.2                            Jokes                               2 of 7
MEMORY::COE "I get mine from Direct Connection"     269 lines   2-DEC-1988 17:20
                       -< A little long...but REAL good >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

           HIGH-SPEED PERFORMANCE CHARACTERISTICS OF PICKUP TRUCKS
                               by P.J. O'Rourke
                        (reprinted without permission)

                               I. INTRODUCTION

	I'm an experienced pickup truck driver.  I was driving my pickup the
other Saturday night after having , as I made very clear to the police, hardly
anything to drink and going "honest, officer" about 30 miles an hour when, I
swear, a deer ran out into the road and I was forced to pull off the highway
with such abruptness that it took the wrecker crew six and a half hours to get
my truck out of the woods.

	An experienced pickup truck driver is a person who's wrecked one.  An
inexperienced pickup truck driver is a person who's about to wreck one.   A
VERY inexperienced pickup truck driver doesn't even own a pickup but will
probably be mistaken for a pronghorn antelope by people poaching from somebody
else's pickup truck.  The foremost high-speed handling characteristic of pickup
trucks is the remarkably high speed at which they head from wherever you are,
directly into trouble.  This has to do with beer.  The minute you get into a
pickup truck, you want a beer.  I'm not exactly sure why this is , but
personally I blame it on Jimmy Carter.

	You see, everyone in America has always wanted to be a redneck.  That's
why all those wig-and-knickers colonial guys moved to Kentucky with Davy
Crockett even before he got his TV show.  And witness the aristocratic young 
Theodore Roosevelt's attempt to be a "rough rider."  Even Henry James used the
same last name as his peckerwood cousin Jesse.  And as Henry James would tell
you, if anyone read him anymore and also if he were alive, the single most
prominent distinguishing feature of the redneck is that he drives a pickup
truck.  This explains why all of us are muscling these things around downtown
Minneapolis and Cincinnati.

	You may be wondering where Jimmy Carter comes in.  Well, Jimmy Carter
was a redneck just like we're all trying to be, but he was a sober redneck. 
Most of us had never seen a sober redneck before , and we have the Reagan
landslide to testify that none of us ever wants to see one again.  It was a
horrifying apparition.  And ever since Jimmy Carter, all of us rednecks have
had to be very careful to be drunk rednecks lest we turn into some kind of
awful creature with big buck teeth and a State Department full of human-rights
yahoos.

	Thus the pickup truck has become the world's only beer-guided motor
vehicle.  Let's examine one unit of this guidance system.  Let's examine 
another.  Let's examine the whole six-pack.  Now let's drive over and see if 
any ducks have come in on Hodge Pond.  Woops! Crash!  Forgot the camper box 
wasn't bolted down.

                    II. THE PICKUP: DESIGN AND ENGINEERING
	
	A pickup truck is basically a back porch with an engine attached.  Both
a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can take a
leak from either one standing up.  Pickup trucks are generally a little faster
downhill than back porches, with the exception of certain California back
porches during mud-slide season.  But back porches get better gas mileage.

	Another important difference between back porches and pickup trucks is
their suspension systems.  Back porches are most often seated firmly on the
ground by means of cement block foundations.  Nothing so sophisticated is used
on pickup trucks.  The front suspension of a modern pickup truck is fully
independent: each wheel is independently bolted right to the frame.  The rear
suspension is a live axle usually attached by a rope to someone else's bumper
while he tries to pull you out of the woods.




	This suspension design is ideal for use in conjunction with the pickup's
100/0 front/rear weight distribution.  This weight distribution is achieved
through engine placement.  The engine is placed just where you'd place it on a
back porch--hanging off one end so you can get under it and look at the giant
dent you got in the oil pan when you drove over the back porch steps last
night.

	Theoretically, such forward weight bias should cause gross understeer,
but everyone involved with pickup trucks is whooping it up too much to have any
grasp of theory, so the forward weight bias causes gross oversteering instead. 
What happens to an unloaded pickup truck in a curve is that the rear end has
nothing to do, is unemployed, metaphorically speaking, so it comes around to
ask you for work, up there in the front of the truck where all the weight is. 
And the result is exactly like one of those revolving restaurants that they
have on hotels except it's on four bald snow tires instead of a hotel, and it's
in the middle of the highway, and it tips over.

	In order to correct this handling problem, the pickup's load bed is
filled with leaf mulch, garden loam, hundred pound bags of dog food, two
snowmobiles, half a cord of birch logs, your son's Cub Scout pack and a used
refrigerator to put beer in out on the back porch.  The result is an adjusted
weight bias of 0/100 front/rear that causes a handling problem different from
either understeer or oversteer.... no steering at all because the front wheels
aren't touching the ground.  Therefore it is clearly important to achieve equal 
weight distribution in a pickup truck.  This is done by placing the truck on
its top.
        
	The same kind of thinking that went into the pickup truck suspension
design has been applied to the trucks engine.  This is basically the same
device the Jim Watt used for pumping water out of coal mines in 1810 except
that, in accordance with recent EPA rulings, a hanky soaked with Pine-Sol has
been stuffed into each cylinder to cut down on exhaust emissions.	

	There are three types of pickup truck engines: the six-cylinder engine,
which does not have enough cylinders; the eight-cylinder engine, which has too
many; and the four-cylinder engine, which is found in "mini-pickups" which are
driven by people who think John Denver is the right kind of redneck to be and
believe they can talk to the whales.  The less that is said about four-cylinder
engines, the better.

	All these engines have a common fault in that they continue to run
after the ignition has been switched off, a phenomenon known as "dieseling."
Engines that actually *are* diesels have been introduced for pickups, and they
rectify this problem by not starting in the first place.  But it doesn't really
matter.  The real power for pickup trucks is generated inside the gearbox, or 
at least its seems to be because it's so noisy in there.  And if it isn't, it 
soon will be after you get blotto'd and start shifting without the clutch.

	There are usually five gears in a pickup.  One is a mystery gear that 
is illustrated on the shift knob but cannot be found.  Then there is first gear,
which is good for getting stuck in the woods.  When you aren't stuck in the
woods, it's good for yanking your bumper off while your trying to help a friend
who owns a pickup when *he's* stuck in the woods.  First gear has a top speed 
of three.  Third gear has a slightly higher top speed, but you can't climb a 
speed bump without downshifting and the truck still gets only 8 mpg.  It is not 
known exactly what third gear is for; all normal pickup truck driving is done 
in second.  Pickups also have a reverse gear, which is good for getting more
completely stuck in the woods than one can get stuck with first gear alone.

	Because pickup trucks get stuck in the woods so often, four-wheel has
become a very popular option.  The four-wheel-driver feature is operated by a 
level that fails to put the truck into 4wd or by a lever that fails to take it 
out.  Four-wheel drive allows you to mire four wheels axle-deep in the woods 
instead of just two.



	Perhaps the most novel aspect of pickup truck engineering is that
pickups have no brakes.  True, there is a parking brake, which, if you set it,
allows your driverless pickup roll downhill into a busy intersection with a
clear conscience.  And there is a brake pedal, but stepping on it only enhances
the desire for one more beer before you go into the woods.

	There are nonetheless a number of methods of bringing a pickup truck 
to a stop.  Most of them involve trees in those woods, but sometimes the spare
tire which hangs down behind the bumper in the back, will fall partly out of
its mounting and produce drag force.  And very often a pickup truck will simply
run out of gas and coast to a stop.  And right in front of a bar, too---as many
wives can attest. 

	Which just goes to show how thoroughgoing the relationship is between
pickups and drinking.  First, it sure looks as if these things were designed by
people who'd been drinking.  And the level of finish indicates they were built
by those who'd been drinking.  It only stands to reason they should be driven 
by people like us who are half in the bag.  As a result, the most popular pickup
truck performance modifications---you guessed it---having a drink.  For
instance, take a tight turn at 60 miles per hour and you'll notice that if you
*hadn't* been tight, you never would have taken that turn in the first place.
Now you call a wrecker, and I'll go get some more tall ones.

                            III. DRIVING TECHNIQUE

	Driving a pickup at high speed is a difficult skill to master.  The
first step is to assume the proper driving position by grasping the drip rail
on the roof with your left hand.  This takes the place of shoulder harness, lap
belt and air bag, and lets you give the finger to people with anti-handgun
bumper stickers on their cars.  Then place your other hand on the gearshift knob
so you'll know what gear your in (which is second, as I pointed out before).
Now take your third hand....  Perhaps some picture of the difficulty of driving
a pickup at high speeds is beginning to emerge.  Anyway, be sure to balance your
beer can carefully in your lap.

	The second step is to drive over to the 7-Eleven and get some more
beer.  Use your down vest to mop up the one you just spilled all over your
crotch as you backed out of the driveway.

	The third step is cornering technique.  There are three ways to take a
high speed curve in a pickup truck.  The first is to use the traditional 
Bondurant School late apex: go deep into the curve at full speed, doing all
your downshifting and futile brake-pedal pumping in a straight line.  Then, in
one smooth motion, turn the wheel to the full extent necessary for the curve.  
Aim for an apex slightly past the geometrical apex of the inside edge of the
curve and slowly bring the steering wheel back to straight-ahead as you reapply 
the throttle.  This will put your truck into the woods.  The second way to take
a fast curve is to come into the the curve slightly slower, dial in a greater
amount of steering, and stay on the throttle so as to propel the truck into a
"power-slide."  This will put your truck into the woods too.  The third method
is to come to a full stop before entering the curve and have a beer.  While
you're doing that, someone else will come along in a pickup truck and knock you
into the woods.  Of course, in real life, there's much more to cornering 
technique.  Pickup trucks don't just go into the woods.  They also get stuck 
in the woods and tip over in the woods.

	Now that you've wrecked a pickup and are an experienced pickup driver,
it's important to know what to tell the police.	Tell them a deer ran into the
road.  This happens very frequently in the places where rednecks live,
especially when we've been drinking.  Here, for example, are the five most 




common explanations given to the North Carolina Highway Patrol by drivers who
have put their pickup trucks into the woods:

    1. A deer ran into the road.
    2. A deer ran into the road.
    3. A deer ran into the road.
    4. A deer ran into the road.
    5. I was stopped at a stop sign but I had to start up again real fast 
       and run my pickup truck into the woods because otherwise it would have 
       been smashed by this deer that ran into the road.

  IV. PURCHASE, REPAIR AND MAINTENANCE OF THE HIGH PERFORMANCE PICKUP TRUCK

	If you haven't wrecked a pickup truck and your weighing the obvious
delights of having an opportunity to do so against such considerations as
wanting to be a redneck but only having enough money to be a middle-class, or
maybe you have a wife who thought she was marrying a college educated account
executive, there are some points for you to consider.  First, how much will a
pickup truck cost?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Pickup Truck 					$9360.00

	Beer                                                2.89

	Another pickup to replace 
        the first one you wrecked                      11,437.00

	Rabbit for wife who won't                        
	drive pickup                                     8750.00
                                                       ---------

       TOTAL                                          $29,549.89

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

	That's a fair piece of change.  But on the other hand, pickup trucks
are virtually maintenance-free.  In fact, all necessary pickup repairs can be
accomplished with a long chain.  Attach one end of the chain to the pickup
truck, drop the other end of the chain on the ground, and go buy a real car.

	You may also want to know if a pickup truck is truly useful.  I'm
afraid the answer is yes--all too useful.  Consider this comparison:

                              UTILITY COMPARISON


			 PICKUP TRUCK		    REAL CAR

      BRUSH              Yes, I'll do it            Good excuse not to
      HAULING		 tomorrow                   haul brush

      TRASH              Really, I'll do it         Call Goodwill
      HAULING            tomorrow.  The Bills
                         are playing the Jets.

      FURNITURE          Room for five piece        Have plenty of 
      LOADS              Bedroom set and            Furniture already,
                         expensive Oriental         don't need anymore.
                         Rug



	Still, when all is said and done, it would have really looked silly at
the end of "Easy Rider" if Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper had been shot by a
couple of rednecks in a Fiat.  And what's life for if you never get a chance to
shot the likes of Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper ?  Besides, you'll never really
appreciate the profound and astonishing beauties of nature if you don't get
stuck in the wood now and then.  And you won't appreciate them as much as you
could if you don't have a lot of beer along.  

              <<< NUTLET::NOTES$DISK:[NOTES$LIBRARY]4WD.NOTE;4 >>>
                               -< 4 Wheel Drive >-
================================================================================
Note 667.6                            Jokes                               6 of 7
AKOV11::KALINOWSKI                                   25 lines  29-DEC-1988 10:30
                           -< Some sidenotes on .2 >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     I remember reading this article in Car and Driver about 2 years
    ago. P.J. O'rourke at the time was one of the lead writers to
    National Lampoon. 
    
       It also had some wonderful pictures. There was one with a caption
    that said " A Pickup Truck has Perfect Weight Distribution". Below
    it was a picture of a pickup flipped on it's roof with arrows pointing
    to each wheel and 0% written next to them!
    
       The December issue of Car and Driver had  letters on the
    article. Most threatened P.J. or asked about his manhood. But there
    was one letter from Colorado that said 
    
    " I read your article with interest. You did forget the most important
    difference between pickup trucks and cars". Pickup trucks owners do not
    use odometers. They gauge everything by the number of six packs
    consumed. So someone may say It takes about 8 sixpacks to drive
    from El Paso to Denver, or brag  Well, my truck over there has over
    1,000 sixpacks on it, and I am not ready to trade yet"
    
       The next month, Car and Driver got nothing but letters of praise
    about the letter from Colorado.

    

    re .44
    
    That's no joke, that's the diary of Jack "Small Game" Hunter !

    	Carl and Wendy were happily married, but Wendy wanted Carl to prove
his love to her by having her name tattooed on his penicular appendage. 
Naturally, this process must be done while the man is aroused. And thusly,
while unaroused the name will appear as merely "Wy". One day Carl happened 
to be in a public restroom relieving himself when a tall, slender, black
man used the urinal next to him. Carl, being rather curious, peered over 
towards his neighbor and noticed that he also had a "Wy" tattoo. He at 
first was enraged to think his wife might be cheating on him so asked the 
gentleman if the tattoo indeed was the name Wendy. He gave a hearty
chuckle and responded in a thick Jamaican accent: Oh no no mon. It says:
	     "Welcome to Jamaica mon, and have a nice day."
    

    What is the differnce between Larry Bird and Charles Stuart?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Bird jumps *before* he shoots.
    
                            Steve J.

    I gave up bowling for sex. The balls are lighter and you don't
    have to wear special shoes.
    
    BoB

    
    	Bowling for sex?!?!?!  Where do I sign?
    
    	JaD

    Re: .51
    
    It's a new game show on TV56 in the Boston area.
    
    Bob Gamere's making a come back. No pun intended! ^)
    
    It's a step up from Candelpins for Cash. This show it pays to play
    sober!
    
    Kevin
    

 
                        It's that time again!!                                  
                                                                                
                   Reprinted from the Seattle Times                             
                             circa 1986-7                                       
                                                                                
                            by Mitch Albom                                      
                       Knight-Ridder Newspapers                                 
                                                                                
Let us deal today with a timely sports question.  How do you choose a           
company softball team?                                                          
                                                                                
The answer is, there are lots of ways.  My favorite way is in a bar,            
late at night, with a hat, 50 pieces of paper, and a group of people            
who like to sing in Swedish, even though they don't speak Swedish.              
And plenty of ice.  But that is just my way.  And I don't hit very              
well.                                                                           
                                                                                
Others take it more seriously.  In fact, to certain types--investment           
bankers, account executives, anyone from New York--softball leagues             
have become roughly the equivalent of, oh, say, holy war.                       
                                                                                
First of all, because it is May, it is too late to be picking softball          
teams.  In today's competitive business world, the winning teams made           
up their rosters back in November.  Several players actually are under          
contract year-around.  They will never admit this, of course.  But if           
you know a burly salesman who hasn't met a quota in years, chances are          
he's somebody's first baseman.                                                  
                                                                                
Still there is hope for your group.  Their bus could crash.  And if             
that kind of luck should strike, you better be ready.                           
                                                                                
Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are          
25 tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team.  I             
emphasize the word winning, which is not the same as wearing a                  
sweatshirt and waking up with a hangover.  Ready?                               
                                                                                
1) Never pick the boss.                                                         
                                                                                
2) Never pick the boss' secretary.                                              
                                                                                
3) Pick Vinny from the shipping department.  If there is no Vinny,              
pick Frank.  No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some               
other shipping department, and Vinny will know another Vinny.  Or               
Eddie.  So you end up with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny,          
or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie.  This, by the           
way, is your starting outfield.                                                 
                                                                                
4) Never pick a Seth.                                                           
                                                                                
5) If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio           
on his shoulder, grab him.                                                      
                                                                                
6) Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow.                                   
                                                                                
7) Are we dealing with co-ed teams?  We are?                                    
                                                                                
8) In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically.  At least           
on my team.                                                                     
                                                                                
9) Take any player with his own ice chest.  (If you do not understand           
this, I am not going to explain.  You should join the company                   
racquetball league instead, where they drink Perrier.)                          
                                                                                
10) No vice presidents.                                                         
                                                                                
11) Never take a guy wearing a batting glove.  Batting gloves do                
nothing.  Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so           
the owner of the sporting goods store can take his wife to France.              
                                                                                
12) Anyone with a tattoo starts.                                                
                                                                                
13) Two tattoos bats cleanup.                                                   
                                                                                
14) IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE GLOVE.  If it is ratty and frayed and            
has masking tape all over it, you want the guy.  If it is shiny and             
orange and is signed by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass.                         
                                                                                
15) If he owns spikes, he's in.                                                 
                                                                                
16) Never take the boss.  I know we covered this already.  I don't              
want you to forget.                                                             
                                                                                
17) ANOTHER IMPORTANT TIP: LOOK AT THE CAR.  As a general rule, people          
who drive Volkswagen beatles make good softball players.  I don't know          
why this is.  I have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a           
Chrysler New Yorker.  Ever.                                                     
                                                                                
18) No more than four players with glasses.                                     
                                                                                
19) Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your             
shortstop.  But only if that's his real name.  Have him bring a birth           
certificate.  I mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right?  You            
want the guy whose parents thought it up.                                       
                                                                                
20) Pick someone with spare bats.                                               
                                                                                
21) Get at least one person from sales.  Even if he or she can't play,          
at least you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are            
planning.                                                                       
                                                                                
22) Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious.  Someone who will say           
to a batter, "Hey.  If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with           
it."                                                                            
                                                                                
23) NEVER PICK THE BOSS!  Just a reminder.                                      
                                                                                
24) No Dr. Pepper drinkers.  I don't trust them.                                
                                                                                
25) If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign             
her up.  The hell with her average.                                             
                                                                                
So there you have it.                                                           
                                                                                
Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball           
trophy and go the awards dinner.                                                
                                                                                
On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise           
only two things:                                                                
                                                                                
Pick your boss.  And let him play shortstop.                                    

    A preacher gets up one Sunday morning and seeing how sunny it is
    outside decides that he would like to play a game of golf that day.
    He call the assistant preacher and tells him that he will have to
    hold the service that day, because he is not feeling well.
    
    The preacher gets dressed and as he is leaving the house remembers
    that he cannot play golf in his home town on Sunday because everyone
    in town knows him.  He decides to go to the town down the road and
    play golf there because nobody known him in that town.
    
    As he is on the third tee a couple of angels see him on the course
    and bring this to the attention on Saint Peter. They tell Saint
    Peter that he sould punish this preacher for playing golf on a Sunday.
    The preacher hits the ball and it soars 350 yards to the green,
    bounces a few times in the air and lands in the hole.  The preacher
    is jumping for joy at his amazing good fortune.  The angels question
    Saint Peter as to what kind of punishment that was.  He had just
    given the preacher a hole in one.  Saint Peter's reply is:
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    That is true; but who is he going to be able to tell!!
    

This fellow was playing in his Country Clubs Annual Tournament.
Going into the last round he was leading by a stroke.  Needless to
say he was very excited, since he'd never even finished in the top
ten before in his life.

Thinking about this, he was on the 14th hole and was waiting to putt
for birdie, which would put him yet another stroke up, and cushion
his slim lead...

"I'd give *anything* to win this tournament," the fellow said.

As he approached and addressed his ball, a leprachaun appeared by
the green.

"Psst, hey Mack," called the Leprachuan.  "Psst, Mack, hey you."

"Yes," replied the player.

"You wanna win the tournament?" asked the Leprachaun.

"Sure!, I'd give *anything* to win this tournament!"

"Anything???"

"Anything!" replied the player.

"Would you give up SEX?" asked the Leprachaun, sly little Irish grin
on his face.

The player thought long and hard for a few minutes.  The Leprachaun could
see him agonizing over this decision.  The Leprachaun turned to leave
(which is a classic Leprachaun negotiation technique), and as he did so
the player said, "Wait, wiat...yes, I'll give up SEX!"

"Forever???"

"Yes, forever!"

"Okay," said the Leprachaun.  "You'll win the tournament, and I'll see you
at the 18th hole to get the appropriate information..."

The fellow sank his birdie putt.  On the 15th he gained another stroke,
he eagles the 16th, and aced the par-3 17th hole.  On the 18th hole
he sank his par putt to win the tournament.

As he was walking off the green, the Leprachaun appeared and stopped him.

"Okay, Mack, time to pay up.  I have to have your name for the record,"
said the Leprachaun.

"My name?" asked the fellow, "my name?"

"Yeah, Mack, yer name," said the Leprachaun.

"My name", said the fellow, is

		Father O'Malley"

    Ha ha, good one, Frank.
    
    Reminds me of the guy who's wife wants him to teach her how to play
    golf.  So, he picks what is usually a slow day on the course and
    takes her out.
    
    One each shot, he stands behind her, with his arms around her and
    holds the club with her.  They both swing as he explains the technique.
    
    Everything is going fine until they are on the hole that's the farthest
    from the clubhouse.  After completing their swing, they find that
    his fly zipper is caught on the zipper at the back of her skirt.
    
    Unable to correct this, and not wanting to attract attention from
    the few players on the course, he instructs her to walk SLOWLY back
    to the clubhouse, while he is "right" behind her.
    
    For the entire trip, no one seems to notice them.  When another
    golfer gets too close, they simply have a few practice swings until
    the golfer leaves.
    
    Finally, they are SLOWLY approaching the clubhouse.  Suddenly, as
    they near the doorway to the building, the door swings open and
    
    a large dog rushes out and throws a bucket of cold water on them.
    
    Lee

    One of my favorite golf jokes:
    
    A woman is taking golf lessons.  On the first day, the local pro takes
    her to the driving range to see what he has to work with.  After she
    dribbles 5 straight shots off the tee, he notices that she is gripping
    the club entirely too tight.  He says to her that she has to lighten up
    on her grip and as an example, says to grip the club the same way she
    would grip her husband's penicular appendage.
    
    The next shot goes 200 yards straight down the middle.  She turns and
    says,  "So, how was that??"
    
    The pro replies, "That was pretty good, BUT
    
    
    Next time try taking the club out of your mouth!!!"
    

    Rollward on the joke and your p_name, JACOB!
    
    Keep up the good work!
    
    Hawk

Latest Nike ad:


	Zamfir running down the football field:  Zamfir knows football

	Zamfir leaping up to catch a fly ball:   Zamfir knows baseball

	Zamfir checking Wayne Gretzky:   No....

	Zamfir blowing Bo's door off on the pan flute:  Just do it....

Chainsaw

    
    	There was this lady taking golf lessons. After she finished
    	her lesson for the day, she went out to play a round. She was
    	out for a while, then came running back into the clubhouse
    	screaming "I've been stung by a bee, I've been stung by a bee".
    
    	The club pro asked her "where were you stung". "Between the first
    	and second hole", she said. To which the pro said, "see, I told you
    	your stance is too wide".
    
    
    	Herv
    

    Golf jokes are for Girlymen... surprised Metz isn't in on it...

    
    This guy is golfing in the South West of Ireland.  He's standing on the
    5th tee and a leprechaun appears.  "You can have a hole in one at this
    hole," said the leprechaun, "but it will take 5 years off your sex
    life."  The guy thinks about it for a while but agrees as he's never
    had a hole in one before.  He tees off, the ball lands on the green and
    rolls up, drops into the cup.  He partner congratulates him and he's
    feeling pretty chuffed.
    
    On the 6th tee the leprechaun appears again.  "Only 13 people in
    history have got a hole in one in successive holes.  It's yours but
    it'll take another 10 years off your sex life."  The guy agrees and
    gets another hole in one.
    
    By now a huge crowd had come out from the clubhouse and the guy was
    really feeling chuffed.  On the 7th tee the leprechaun appears again.
    "Never before has anyone ever got 3 holes in one in successive holes.
    You can have it now but your sex life is over.  You can never do it
    with a woman again."  The guy thinks long and hard about this one. 
    "Never again," he said, "That's right never again," said the
    leprechaun.  "Fair enough I agree." He teed off and the ball ran gently
    into the cup.
    
    
    
    And that's the story of how Father O' Shea got into the Guinness Book
    of Records.
    
    Gary.

    
    A True story.
    
    Lee Trevino is out golfing during a thunder and lightning storm.  He
    and his partner were sheltering under a tree when Lee picked up a one
    iron and began walking down the fairway.  His partner screamed after
    him "Lee, that's a one iron, it's a conductor, you'll be sizzled alive."
    
    
    
    
    "Not even God can hit a one iron," was his reply.
    
    Gary.

    Anyone else see that ex-football player on Carson last night?  He was a
    riot (can't remember his name though, used to play D for the Colts). 
    Here's one of his quips:
    
    He used to drink a case of beer a night during his playing days.  His
    doctor told him he should cut it down to a six pack.  So he did
    
    Six 32 ouncers ;^)

    
    Gotta be Artie Donovan.

    Most definitely sounds like Art Donovan.  I'd love to see him and Bob
    Ueker(sp?) together on Carson w/Jay Leno hosting!  Now that would be a
    howl.....
    
    Hawk

    Art Donovan is a real character. I've seen him on Letterman a number
    of times and he tells a great story.
    				Raider_Rich 

    I've been a golf enthusiast for a number of years.  I used to play golf
    during all of my free time.  Winter golf, night golf, golf in rain,(as
    long as there was no lightning),etc.  When I was dating the woman who
    is now my wife, I managed to keep from her the secret of my love for
    the game of golf.  
    
    On our wedding night, I felt that I had to tell her of my obsession
    and be totally open with her.  That's when I said:
    
    "I haven't been totally honest with you up until now.  I must tell you
    that I'm a golf nut.  I play every night after work, I play 36 to 54
    holes on both Saturday and Sunday, from time to time I take days off of
    work to golf.  And when I can't go out to the course, I practice
    putting or hitting golf balls with a special net that I've purchased
    that fits in my basement.  There, I've told you, what do you have to
    say to that??"
    
    To which she replied that she had'nt been totally honest with me, and
    said:
    
    "Honey, I'm a hooker!!"
    
    To which I replied:
    
    No problem, a couple of lessons and we'll have you hitting the ball
    straight down the middle.
    
    JaKe
    

    The other day the temperature was up in the 60's and me and a few
    friends decided to play some golf.  When I had teed up my ball and was
    ready to tee off on the first hole, a 450yd par 4, one of my partners
    pointed something out.  About 150 yards out, a naked woman came out of
    the woods on the right hand side of the fairway and ran across the
    fairway.  About 25 yds behind her were two men chasing her, one was
    carrying a strait jacket.  About 25 yds behind them was a guy running
    after them carrying 2 buckets of sand.  
    
    It took a few minutes for us to regain our composure and when we did I
    again got set to tee off.  At that time, this same naked woman comes
    running out of the left side of the fairway about 75 yards away, and
    behind her 25 yds were the two guys, one with the strait jacket, and 25
    yds behind them was the guy with the 2 buckets of sand.  They all ran
    into the woods on the right side this time.
    
    Once again, as I was ready to finally tee off, she came out of the
    woods on the right and this time ran across the tee not 10 feet from
    me.  15 yds behind her were the two men in pursuit, one with the strait
    jacket. We managed to stop the guy with the two buckets of sand and
    asked him just what in the hell was going on.  He told us that adjacent
    to the golf course is an asylum.  From time to time this woman would 
    take off all of her clothes, climb the fence, and run naked all over
    the golf course. They would have to chase her and get her into the
    strait jacket and return her to her room.
    
    Ok, we asked, but why in the hell are you carrying the 2 buckets of
    sand????
    
    to which he replied:
    
    Oh, I caught her last week and these are my handicap!!!
    
    
    
    JaKe
     

    I'm writing my own dictionary
    
    Here are some of my definitions.
    
    Molasses
    The last thing you see as the moles go into the ground.
    
    pregnancy
    when she takes something serious that you poked at her in fun.
    
    
    more to come someday
    
    JaKe
    

    Earlier this week, when the weather was nice, I decided to take a day
    off and go golfing.  My wife, who I drive crazy by being a golf nut
    asked me what time I'd be home.  I said about 1 or 1:30.  Well I got
    to the course and there was a BEAUTIFUL young lady set to tee off and
    she asked me if I'd like to join her, and I said sure.  Well we played
    the full 18 holes and at the end I was putting my clubs in my car when
    this young lady comes over and says seeing that she only lives a mile
    or so from the course, why don't I stop by for a drink.  I figured,
    what the hell, it's only noon and I got an hour before I gotta be home,
    so I said sure.  Well, I got there and we had a drink or two and she
    excused herself to go to the little girl's room.  I poured myself
    andother when she returns to the living room wearing nothing but a
    smile.  Well, we spent the next few hours in her bedroom and then dozed
    off.
      When I woke up and looked at her clock, it was 7:30.  Oh sh$t, I
    thought, the wife's going to be furious.  I got dressed and headed
    home.  On the way home, I started feeling guilty about cheating on my
    wife, seeing as she has given me three beautiful kids, although one
    looks like the mailman, one looks like the milkman, and one looks like
    Harry the next door neighbor, who fixed the car and washing machine
    mentioned back in the early entries in this notesfile.  Guilt,
    something instilled in me by the NUNS in the Catholic grade school I
    went to, and any of you who went to one in the early 60's understands
    this, overtook me and I decided the only way to make things right was
    to tell my wife the truth when I got home.
    
    Well, needless to say, the little lady was furious screaming and
    ranting and raving about me being hours and hours late and finally the
    question came:
    
    
            "WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN????????"
    
    I proceeded to tell my wife about getting paired up with a young lady,
    then about going to her place for a drink and about all of the other
    sordid details. When I finished telling her about my day I just stood
    there waiting for her reaction. 
    
        Finally she spoke, saying:
    
    You lying b@st@rd, you played 54 holes today, didn't you???"
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Re: Bernie Kosar jokes
    
    This time you can sub Bernie's name with Elway's.
    
    Mike

    Sure, but Bernie's dressing up in his new skirt cause he's having
    friends over to WATCH the SB, Elway is going to the Prom, Bernie's
    just watching. :-)  (Gawd, its hurts to say that!8^)
    			     Raider_Rich 
    
    			

Jay Leno opened the Tonight show Tuesday with the following:

I was at the K-Mart the other night, and outside the store they have
one of those little kiddie rides, the ones you put the quarters in.
A little girl put into a little horse-ey a lot of money, and sat on it
for hours, but the thing didn't move !  Turned out it wasn't a horse,
IT WAS A BRONCO !!!

    Why did the CIA want to hire John Elway?


    
    Because they finally found someone who could overthrow Castro...
    
----------------------------------------------------------------------------    

    Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?


    
    Because he can't find the receiver.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?


    
    Because he's lost all three of his bowls

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How many Denver Bronco's does it take to change a flat?


    
    Only one, but they all show up for a blow-out

    re .78:
    
    >    Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?

    >    Because he's lost all three of his bowls
    
    Reminds me of one I saw in another conference:
    
    Q.	Why do the Toronto Maple Leafs drink from saucers?
    
    A.  Because the Canadiens and the Oilers have all the Cups.
                  
    
    py

    Why can't Elway drive his car into the garage?
    'cause someone painted a goal line across his driveway!
                                                Denny

    did you hear that the Broncos are moving to the Philippines?
    
    
    They're going to change their name to the 
    
    
    Manila Folders!

    Ha ha ha, that's a truly great cheapshot, Mike!!!111  :*)
    
    Lee

    Jesus went to the Gates to talk with St. Peter.  After a few minutes,
    St Peter asked Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes 'cause he had
    something he had to take care of.  Jesus asked him what the job
    entailed to which St Peter told him to just ask the prospective entrant
    some questions about his life and see if he was worthy of entering.
    Jesus agreed.
    
    Moments later, an old man appears at the gates seeeking entry.
    
    Jesus asks the man what his job was.
    
    The man replies that he was a carpenter.
    
    Jesus thinks to himself, "my dad was a carpenter"
    
    Jesus asked the man if he had any children.
    
    The man replies that he had one son but he was lost early in life.
    
    Jesus, feeling slight \excitement, asks the man if there was anything
    that would distinguish his son.
    
    The man replies that his son, the last time he saw him, had holes in
    his hands and feet.
    
    Jesus looks at the man and says,
    
                    DAD!!!!
    
    To which the man replies:
    
    
                    PINOCCHIO!!!
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    
    
Three couples, an <censored> couple, a <censored> couple and a <censored>
couple approach the Pearly Gates.

St Peter says to the <censored> man, "I'm sorry but I can't let you in here.
All of your life has been devoted to drinking."

The <censored> man replies "that's not true"

To which St peter says yes it is true and to prove it, tell me your wife's
name!

The <censored> man says, "Her name is Brandy"
St Peter rests his case and sends them away.

The next couple, the <censored> couple, approaches.  St Peter again says he 
can't admit these two because all of his life the <censored> man has devoted
towards money.

The <censored> man says it isn't true but St peter asks him HIS wife's name.

He replies, "Penny"

St. Peter sends the <censored> couple away.

Just then the <censored> man turns to his wife and says,

Come on Fanny, I can see we're not going to be wanted here!!.


JaKe

    A 70 year old man is married to a 22 year old beauty queen.  % years
    after they are married, the wife comes home one night with a fur coat
    on.  The husband asks her where she got it, to which she replies that
    she went to play bingo and won the fur coat.  The next night she
    returns home driving a new Mercedes, and when asked, says she also won
    the car at bingo.  2 nights later, she returns home wearing a diamond
    necklace, and , you guessed it, she tells her hubby she won that at
    bingo too.  The next night, she is running a little late and tells her
    husband that she is going to play bingo again and asks him to run some
    bath water for her.  When she goes into her bathroom, there is only 1/2
    inch of water in the tub.  She yells to her husband that she asked him
    to run her bathwater and he only put a little bit of water in the tub
    and inquires why.  The husband replies,
    
    
    I didn't want you to get your bingo card wet!!
    
    JaKe
    

    
    Three high school boys go to a bakery every day where they know that
    the girl that works behind the counter wears short skirts and no
    undies.  They always order something off of the top shelf so that she
    has to climb a ladder to get it, therefore, giving them a show.
    
    One particular morning, these 3 boys enter the bakery, followed by an
    older gentleman.  The first boy orders some raisin bread, which is the
    item on the top shelf on this particular morning.  The girl climbs the
    ladder, gets the raisin bread, climbs back down off of the ladder,
    wraps the bread, collects the money and then asks the next boy for his
    order.  He also orders the raisin bread off of the top shelf.  She
    climbs the ladder, retrieves the raisin bread, returns to the floor,
    wraps the raisin bread, collects the money, and asks the third boy for
    his order.  He also orders the raisin bread from the top shelf. 
    Disgusted at having to climb the ladder numerous times, she
    nevertheless climbs the ladder, gets the raisin bread, and while she's
    on the ladder turns to the older gentleman and asks,
    
        "So, is your's raisin, too???"
    
    To which he replies,
    
    
    "No, but it sure is twitching!!!"
    
    JaKe
    

Jake,

	I first heard a variation on that about a thousand years ago. Each kid
orders a raisin bagel. So she's up and down the ladder, each time having to go
to the end of the room, slide the ladder along a rail, climb up, get the bagel,
climb down, push the ladder back, then return to have the next kid ask for a
raisin bagel. Finally, when she's getting the last kid his raisin bagel, she
calls down to the old fart `Hey, I suppose you want a raisin bagel, too!'. He
says no. So she climbs down the ladder, pushes it down the rail to the end of
the room, returns with the kid's bagel, takes his money, turns to the old gent,
and says `So... What'll it be?

He says:



                        `Make mine TWO raisin bagels.'


Mike JN

			Engineer's .. god love 'em

 
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing
about who might've designed the human body.  The first one said, "It
must've been a mechanical engineer.  The human body has all those levers
and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that."
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer.
The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been
designed by an electrical engineer."  Then the third one said, "No, it
was a civil engineer.  Who else would have run a waste water line through
a recreational area?"

    
     Wich famous boxer said : 
                             One more round and id have killed him.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
                    ans:Terry Marsh
    

    
    This guy is having a round of golf when he meets an old freind he
    hasn't seen for a few years.They decide to pair up and finish the
    round together.As they approach the next tee the first guy notices
    that his old freind has a black case attached to his golf bag.What
    have you got that case strapped to your golf bag for.The second
    man replys,it's my gun,i'm a hit man.Get away says the first man
    your pulling my leg.No,seriously,open it up and have a look if you
    dont believe me.He opens up the case and pulls out a beautifull
    looking rifle.Do you mind if i look through the site.No not at all
    says the second man.This is great says the first man looking through
    the site.Hey look i can see my house,and look theres my wife in
    the bedroom.Hey thats the guy next door,there on the bed.
    The man turns to his old freind and asks,how much do you charge.
    A thousand pounds a bullet says the second man.Right says the first
    man i'l have two.
    Shoot her right between the eyes,and shoot him right in the willie.
    Ok says the second man.He pulls the rifle from it's case and takes
    aim.
    After a couple of minuites of moving the rifle from side to side
    and up and down,the first guy says,come on ,hurry up and shoot.
    
    To wich the second man replys 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Calm down mate i'm trying to save you a thousand.
     
    to side,and up and down

       CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, VERTEBRATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED 
      ---------------------------------------------------------------- 
 
 
ELEMENT		:  FEMALE HUMAN 
 
CHEMICAL SYMBOL	:  WO 
 
DISCOVERER	:  Adam 
 
ATOMIC WEIGHT	:  Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160 
                   (Mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.)
 
OCCURRENCE	:  Surplus quantities in all urban areas 
 
APPROVED FORMULA:  36:24:36 
 
USES		:  i)	Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars 
		   ii)	Most powerful money reducing agent known 
		   iii)	Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous 
			source of frustration 
 
PHYSICAL PROP.	:  i)	Surfaces usually covered in painted film 
		   ii)	Boils at nothing and freezes without reason 
		   iii)	Melts if given the proper treatment 
		   iv)	Bitter if used incorrectly 
		   v)	Found in various states ranging from common ore to 
			virgin metal 
		   vi)	Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes 
		   vii)	Yields to pressure applied at correct point 
		   viii)In its natural state it varies considerably, but the 
			shape is often artificially changed to conform to that 
			of a perfect specimen. Such transformations are only 
       			discovered by an experienced eye 
                   ix)  In some instances may start to gain weight and look
                        like they have swallowed a basketball and then proceed
                        to take on qualities of a XEROX copier and start to 
                        to make copies
CHEMICAL PROP.	:  i)	Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum 
			and precious stones 
		   ii)	Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances 
		   iii)	May explore spontaneously if left alone with a male 
		   iv)	Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by 
			saturation in alcohol 
		   v)	Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed 
			in the dark 
 
TESTS		:  i)	Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the natural 
			state 
		   ii)	Turns green if placed beside a better specimen 
 
CAUTIONS	:  i)	Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must be 
			used with great care and patience if experiments are 
			to succeed 
		   ii)	It is illegal to possess more than one permanent speci- 
                        men but a certain amount of exchange is permissable 
                   iii) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate
                        counsel because the specimen could drain the blood
                        from your veins indefinately.

               <<< DECWET::DOCD$:[NOTES$LIBRARY]SEATTLE.NOTE;2 >>>
                          -< About the Seattle area >-
================================================================================
Note 310.1                   Disposal of Television                       1 of 1
DECWET::DUNLAP "Ozix Ozkin"                          81 lines   6-MAR-1990 09:19
                       -< Humorous way to dispose of TV >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    
    As long as you clean up the little pieces after the implosion,
    this should meet your two requirements.
    
    -Kevin
    
    
From: DECPA::"bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU" (Keith Bostic  04-Mar-1990 1151)
To: /dev/null@ucbvax.Berkeley.EDU
Subject: Zap, fry and sizzle...

Does anyone out there have some firsthand experience in destroying various
electronic items for sick-minded amusement? I would like to share some of
mine and hear from others.
 
CRT's	From TV's/monitors. Wonderful implosions if dropped into an open
	manhole or thrown inside a storm-drain tunnel. Vociferous THUD. Must
	drop on face. 25" color tubes are the best! Once I chucked one into
	a concrete ditch, face-first, with 1-1/2" water. IT DIDNT BREAK !
 
Light bulbs & tubes	Similar to above, but have short POP followed by
			tinkling sound of glass. Sometimes emit small cloud
			of sparks if done in the dark. Light bulbs can be
			subjected to perversely-higher-than-normal voltage
			which results in the 'Xenon Effect'. Can also apply
			normal voltage, allow to heat, and dunk in water;
			makes a good 'Splort' sound.
 
Fluorescent tubes    Best if thrown like a javelin. Very loud if stood
		     upright and allowed to fall on hard surface.
 
Capacitors	Alltime favorite. Just make sure the applied voltage
		(usually 120 VAC) is 3+ times greater than the WVDC of
		the victim. Nice sparky explosion with smoke. One
		drawback to large (>1000uF) caps is that they pop the
		circuit breaker. Especially nice if you have 220/50A
		service. DON'T USE 'AC' CAPACITORS UNLESS THEY ARE
		MARKED 'NO P.C.B.'S'. Polychlorinated Bi-phenyls (PCB's)
		are an extreme environmental hazard.
 
IC's		Nice pop with good orange/blue flames. Static memory
		chips are the best.
 
Batteries	If you are patient, alkaline and zinc-carbon cells are
		quite amusing. Best to use a variac rated at 10+ amps and
		adjust from 0-120 VAC. Fresh batteries smoke and sizzle,
		while 'dead' batteries put-out nice green/blue/orange
		fireworks along with ample amounts of smoke. One victim
		popped out of its case with a loud 'suction-cup' noise.
		Still to be investigated are lead-acid and NiCd species.
 
Resistors	Up to 10K-ohms and under 1 watt are susceptible to 120VAC.
		Depending upon value, they will heat-up, discolor, smoke, and
		flame-out, sometimes with a pleasant 'Bzzzzzztttttt-Phuffff'
		sound.
 
Motors		No luck so far. Have tried running 60hz 3450 RPM motor at
		about 190Hz (~11000 RPM). Really screams. Desired effect
		was to cause armature to fly apart. Problem is that higher
		frequency operation requires higher voltage. To be
		investigated further this summer.
 
		Special case: Vacuum cleaner motors can be placed over a
		shallow pan of gasoline and energized. Can get 6-8 foot
		flame tower. Water and salt-water doesn't produce desired
		effect.
 
Speakers	Ignite while playing music by Twisted Sister. Can also
		connect to lo-freq (5-20Hz) oscillator and use as a 'shake
		table'. Once, while 'inebriated' in a microprocessor class
		at UCLA, I filled it with wine-cooler and gawked at the
		various patterns while the speaker was driven by a radio
		tuned to KMET (Ah, yes, the MIGHTY MET 94.7, now defunct
		thanks to yuppies).
 
Transformers	Remove iron core, unwind and tie one end across street.
		Hold bobbin with screwdriver, et-al. Wait for car. Good
		vibrating WIZZZZZZZ shakes your whole body while it unwinds.
		Leftover 'E' cores make so-so judo stars.
 
 

    
    JD,
      Sounds like this guy would be great fun at parties.
    
    Bull~
    

True story, somewhat related (in terms of how to muck up a good system).

When I was in the fire department, the section of town I was
in had no hydrants.  We were experts at drafting from ponds
etc. 

Anyway, the next section of town did have some hydrants.  Because
there were a lot of hills, they had these special hydrants with
green caps which showed they had less than normal pressure.  At
the bottom of the hills were special "pump stations" where a pumper
could hook into a regular water main (yellow or red cap) and pump
into one of the green hydrants to boost the water pressure.

Needless to say you had to be careful, since you were boosting main
pressure up on the hill.

Well, one day at this pretty massive fire, a young pump operator
hooked into this pump station.  Being really excited,
he got the pumper running flat out, pumping like hell.  Thing was,
they hadn't cracked the hydrants up the hill yet...

Well, a few houses down from the fire, this was sitting on the
toilet.  Instead of getting up and flushing, he just reached around.

The resulting geyser blew him off the can....

I heard this one from a comic on live at the Imrov.  Unfortunately
I did not hear his name...  It's hidden behind a form feed, because
those with less lusty constitutions than mine, might blush....



"It's funny.  John McEnroe has a kid now....Yep, Tatum O'Neill
had his baby....

Can you imagine sex with John McEnroe?  "It was IN, it was OUT,
it was IN, it was OUT!!!!"

    C'saw, I thought the "ol' in and out" was introduced in A Clockwork
    Orange, not pro tennis......  :-)
    
    Hawk  (a little tail did me in.....)
    

...And when she told him it was his `fault' he threw a racquet at her!

Mike JN

    
    It was a "love" child.
    
    -Dick
    

Excerpted from:
    
                    DAVE BARRY LOOKS BACK AT 1989
    
    - taken without permission from the Wisconsin State Journal, 12-24-89.
    
    
    Jan 1
    
    In college football action, the University of Donald Trump "Fighting
    Donald Trumps" win the national championship in the Donald Trump Bowl by
    purchasing a last-second field goal for a reported $23 million. 
    President-elect George Bush appoints a blue-ribbon White House
    Horseshoe Pit Site Selection task force.
    
    19
    
    Ronald Reagan pardons George Steinbrenner.  This really happened.  In
    Miami, with tens of thousands of visitors and media people in town for
    the Super Bowl, the first major official event, billed as "An All-Night
    Car Burn and Rock Throw," goes off without a hitch.
    
    22
    
    The San Francisco 49ers defeat the Cincinnati Bengals to win the Super
    Bowl.  This is a severe blow to the savings-and-loan industry, which
    had bet $275 million on the San Diego Padres.
    
    
    March 12
    
    President Bush, chastened by the Tower fiasco, announces his new nominee
    for secretary of defense, Leon Spinks.  In other boxing news, Mike Tyson,
    citing "irreconcilable differences," drops Robin Givens from a jet. 
    
    
    24
    
    Michael Jordan becomes the first human being to land on Saturn.  He is
    fouled on the play.
    
    
    28
    
    Ronald Reagan, described by close friends as "overtired," attempts to
    pardon Billy Martin.
    
    May 8
    
    Suspicions that Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose may be gambling on
    baseball are aroused when, in a crucial ninth-innning situation, he
    orders his pitcher blindfolded.
    
    
    31
    
    Somebody wins yet another exciting and memorable running of the
    Indianapolis 500, an exhibition of driving skill featuring cars
    sponsored by Budweiser, Miller, Budweiser Light, Miller dry, Budweiser
    Wet, Jim Beam, Marlboro, Miller Flat, Camel, and the Medellin Drug
    Cartel.
    
    June 19
    
    Barry Switzer, fed up with constant harassment over alleged NCAA rules
    violations, resigns as coach of the University of Oklahoma, deeply
    saddening his players, some of whom have been with him more than 15
    years.  
    
    July 8
    
    Thousands of refugees stream out of Beirut, fleeing the increasing
    violence and devastation caused by British soccer fans.  
    
    August 24
    
    Pete Rose is permanently banished from baseball after ordering the
    Cincinnati Reds to play an entire game wearing restrictive evening
    gowns.  He immediately accepts a high-level position in the
    savings-and-loan industry.  
    

That's great, Mac!
Barry is one of the few people who can make me laugh out loud when I'm reading
him. I'll be reading something by him, and I'll be laughing, snorting, tears
the size of horse turds rolling down my face; and my wife'll just shake her
head and go in another room. Oh well.

Mike JN

    	Mike JN,
    
    	Are our wives sisters or somethin'? The same thing happens
    	when I get to laughing. I'll even tell her what I'm
    	laughing at. She'll just shake her head and ignore me.
    
    	Later, in bed for the night, I may start laughing; she
    	thinks I'm crazy.
    
    	What gives?
    
    	Scott

    Hey C'saw, I bet those mushrooms get ya goin' pretty good too!  Got
    anymore?  :-)
    
    H'awk

    	Chain,
    
    	The wife of our former minister would laugh hysterically any
    	time she saw someone fall, no matter what the situation.
    
    	As you said, different people find different things amusing.
    
    	Scott

	One of the first times I remember that happening (laughing at the wrong
time, or at what nobody else thinks is funny) I went to this movie. I can't
even remember the name of it. Charleton Heston was in it, and Richard Boone,
and it was like, Saxons against the Vikings. Heston was a Saxon. He had this
little miniature castle (or Keep). He and his brother were always squabbling.
There were a lot of misunderstandings, and actually both of them thought they
were doing the right things. Anyway, it's tearing them apart, but finally they
get in this huge sword fight. They fight forever. Finally Heston runs his
brother through. His brother is standing there holding his guts in and leaning
aginst this huge stone well. Then he sneers at Charleton, and says, real nasty:
`My GLORIOUS brother'.

	Then he goes over backwards, and says `Waaahk!' and falls down the
well.

	I thought I would shit my pants! I'm roaring! And I'm laughing so hard
I'm getting cramps. Then I look around, and everybody's staring at me. Women
who have been crying because it's all so sad are looking at me with these
expressions of horror. This starts me off again, because I think it's hilarious
that these people can look at this most amazing piece of slapstick and not
laugh. I finally went out and had a drink of water, and tried to relax, because
every time I'd think of it I'd start laughing again.

Mike JN

Speaking of Heston, I can't watch "The Ten Commandments" anymore without
laughing.

Ever since Billy Crystal started doing his Yul Brynner as Pharoah and Edward
G. Robinson as Dathan imitations, I haven't been able to resist a chuckle.

Yeah, yeah, where's yer Moses now, see ...

Bob Hunt

Mike and Bob --

I'm sitting here roaring...

I know that feeling Mike.  I've been in some serious places when
all of a sudden something that the person/film/whatever you're watching
strikes you a totally hysterical...

The harder you try to stop laughing, the more you laugh.  The more
you laugh, the harder you laugh, and nexted thing you know people
are staring...

Bob, that Moses stuff is too funny.  I've heard him do that but
I cain't think where...  The part about "where's yer Moses now, see"
does it to me everytime....

Was that in a_HBO special or what?

'Saw

    Seems like there are quite a few of us around, guys whose wive's
    don't understand our type of humor.  Happens to me all the time.
    
    Like, the other day I just popped out with a comment, "If the battery
    in my electronic watch dies, how would I know it's *time* to change it?"
    She just stared at me.  
    I love puns, too, and they usually just get a groan from Ginnie.
    
    Anyone remember if his wife laughed hysterically when she was only
    a fiancee?  :*)
    
    Lee

	What's worse in those situations is, when something is funny (to me) it
doesn't stop being funny. Like with that movie. When I'm watching movies, I
often think about how they filmed it, where the cameras could have been etc.
(whereas with books, I get totally absorbed in the book). Anyway, when I was
trying to calm down and just watch the movie, I kept wondering if the director
really hated the guy that played the brother, and how many times he made him do
the scene. If the brother had just said his exit line, and crumpled to the
ground and died, it would have been a sad thing. But no. They have to have him
fall down a stupid well. Anyway,I was running this stuff through my mind.

	Fight, fight, fight.... stab....hold in the guts.... poignant look...
nasty sneer .... `My GLORIOUS brother' .... `SQUAWK'... fall down the well.

	The director runs out "NO NO NO... not `squawk'  .. `WAAHK'.. take it
again from the end of the fight. So they haul the guy up, clean him off...

	Fight, fight, fight.... stab....hold in the guts.... poignant look...
nasty sneer .... `My GLORIOUS brother' .... `WAHOO'... fall down the well.

	`NO NO NO....'

	And I'd crack up all over again.

	I had something similar happen last week, and it involved women and the
way they dress. When I get out of this next meeting, I'll tell you about it.

Mike JN

    re: .112
    
    Well, HOW do you tell???????
    
    
    
    (many, many smilies))))))
    
    
    
    
    			Tom_who's_had_a_long_week

Mike!

Will ya stop already with the guy falling down the well!

Every time you tell that I can't stop laughing.  People here are
starting to look at me and wonder.....

Chainsaw  (waahk)

One that REALLY got me going was on Roseanne a couple of weeks ago.

Dan was subtly ranking on Jackie's boyfriend, and Roseanne wanged
him on the back of the head with a frying pan.  I was seriously
rollward.  Dan got this sillyass smile on his face....god I was
going.....

'Saw

Meeting moved to 12:15...... This is true:

	Last week, I was at this `function'. Kinda dressy. It was one of those
gigs where all the guys stand around with glasses of bourbon in their fists,
and talk hoops, and skiing, and golfing, and cars and stuff. And all the women
stand around in little clots drinking White Zin, and talking about fingernail
polish, or Nuclear Physics, or whatever it is they talk about.

	Now something that's really cracked me up about women's clothes the
last several years, is when they decided it looks really cool to wear big
shoulder pads, and to wear baggy dresses that come down to the middle of their
calves. I think they look like little miniature football players dressed up in
their mother's clothes, and it's hard for me to keep a straight face. I never
know whether to laugh or cry. 

	I think men probably contributed to this. I can imagine the women
coming up to the men when they're out shopping, and trying on outfits, and they
walk up with these big shoulder pads, and baggy long dresses, and clumpy shoes,
and they say `What do you think of this one?'. 	

	Now the guys think that this looks almost as attractive as weasel snot,
so they say `Well, well, well..... that's ..... ummm....  very nice'. Because
the guys are afraid if they make the ladies mad, they won't get any... uh...
they won't be friends anymore.

	Anyway, I'm standing there, and a voice behind me says ` Hi Mike,
here's somebody I'd like you to meet'. It's Dru that is talking. She is a
really classy lady, and I've always loved her, because although she will wear
shoulder pads, she would not be caught dead in a baggy long dress. Her husband
is my friend, and also about 6'6" and 260 lbs, so I keep this love a secret. 

	So Dru is introducing this other woman, and I am very carefully looking
at Dru's left cheek. Otherwise I would fall face first into her decolletage.
And she says `This is [somebody?]', and I turn to look at this person. 

	This other woman is dressed de rigueur, in huge shoulder pads, baggy
dress to the calves, and clumpy shoes. AND!!! She is wearing a hat. It is a
really dumb looking hat, I don't even know what they're called, but it looks
like something Mary Poppins would wear. AND!!! She has this hat pulled clear
down to her eyebrows!!!!
	
	I know my eyes bulged out, and I immediately started chewing on my lip 
to keep from braying like a donkey. This woman starts talking to me, and I very
carefully keep my eyes focused on her elbow, because I know if I look at her
face, and that hat.... I will fall flat on the floor, and totally lose it.

	So she is talk, talk, talking... and I am saying some extremely witty
things like `Fine, aren't you' and ` my isn't this...'; and all the time I'm
thinking  ....` I've got to get OUT of here! ' ` I've GOT to get out of here '
` If I  fall down on the floor and start rollin', they're going to take me
away in a net, and it's NOT my fault! '  ` I've got to get OUT of here! '

	Finally Dru came and took her to torture somebody else, and I bolted.

	Believe me, having something really funny going on, and trying to keep
from laughing, is definitely a form of torture. But at least I have this:

	I know that years from now, all I'll have to do is conjure up a picture
of the lady and her hat. First I'll smile a little bit, then start snickering,
and before you know it, I'll be cheered right up.


Mike JN

    Way too funny, Mike ...
    
    If I had been there with you, I'd have snuck up behind you and
    started whistling Mary Poppins tunes like "Let's Go Fly A Kite" or
    "Just A Spoonful Of Sugar" ...
    
    Betcha Dick Van Dyke would have done the same thing ...
    
    Bob Hunt

    Mike
    
    Man, I just hit the floor.  I'm cracking up out loud, I had to close
    the door to my office or folks will really think I'm losing it.
    
    That hat - I can just picture it.  Hats on women, for the most part,
    make me laugh.  Some of them are just unreal.  My ex loved hats,
    and she had a couple I thought were cool, but most of them just
    made me wanna laugh.  Especially this one hat.  She called me at
    work to say she was going shopping, she'd see my later at home.
    Fine - a good chance to watch ESPN - well she gets home, and is
    all excited - shw bought a hat - and she just LOVES it and has to
    MODEL it.
    
    I know I'm gonna be in trouble.  She comes in wearing this really
    stupid loooking hat - sort of like a Fez, but it was black, without
    the tassle - and looked funnier than a Fez.  She had these humongous
    earrings on too.  Well, I did the ol, look at the floor, look at
    the chair, and say "yeah, it looks,  fine, its...a...interesting"
    she says "you don't like it - look at me".   I took a swig of beer,
    looked up, and spit the brew all over the place, I was racked with
    laughter, it was the funniest damn hat I've ever seen.  Boy was
    she urinated, but everytime she wore that silly thing I couldn't
    be civil - I hadda laugh.  
    
    JD

       Was it a hat like da Queen wears?? BTW, what does The Queen carry in
    that purse she always has? Change? Drivers license? Bus tokens? 
                                      denny

    	Chain,
    
    	The frying pan incident was funny. I also go a big charge
    	out of the episode when Dan is fixing the 'Fridge and
    	an older fella has just died in his kitchen. While Dan
    	is on the floor on hands and knees, the dead guy's hand
    	falls off the table and whacks Dan in the butt. He jumped
    	pretty quickly for a big guy. I was rolling on the floor
    	watching that.
    
    	Scott

In honor of St Paddy's day, all you guys should be wearing a little
green:  a lepre-condom...


Anyway, Mike and JD, you guys have got my stomach hurting.  I must be
under a lot of stress, cause when I get laughing these days I just can't
stop.  Between that guy falling down the well, and that lady with
the hat....oh god!

Hats and women make about as much sense as neckties do.  Let's face it,
there ain' no useful purpose their.

I like it if a girl can wear like an Indianna Jones kinda hat and
a too big leather jacket...but these dress hats...fergit it...

The worst thing though, is when you're in a restaurant and you
hear the guy/gal in the next booth light one up.  It's only loud
enough for you to hear, and you start laughing...it's a killer.
It gets worse if your friend hears it too.  Then, you'll be looking
at each other, and just laughing more and more....

'Saw

    You'se guys are too friggin' funny!  I wanna party with you, Mike JN!
    
    Steven, I hope you're back to stay with you're one-liners.  It's been
    kinda quiet in here without ya......
    
    H'awk

    John Goodman *IS* the Roseanne Barr Show.
    
    Go back and watch Raising Arizona again.  Watch for Goodman.  He's
    a riot.
    
    Bob Hunt

I agree.

One of my favs was the night that Roseanne and Jackie were wrassin'
on the sofa.  He gets this impish look on his face, and says
"Is this like a sex-thing?"

I almost peed my pants.

John Goodman also has a small part in the Talking Heads video
Wild Wild Life.

BTW, where was that Billy Crystal Moses thing from... I know I've
heard it somewhere...

later,
'Saw

    Bob,
    
    Goodman is great in Raising Arizona.
    
    But for a good laugh, Repo Man always gets me rooll11ling.
    
    JD

    How 'bout the time where the Bundys were watching Santa parachute at
    the Hillside mall and his parachute didn't open.
    
    Announcer "Here comes Santa outof the plane, my look at that tumbling
    free fall. HEY WAIT!! WHY ARE HIS ARMS FLAPPING LIKE THAT, OH MY A
    MIGHTY GUST JUST TOOK SANTA OUT OF OUR SIGHT, WHERE CAN HE BE?!?!?!"
    
    Then there was a **WUMP** on the roof and Santa bounces onto the back
    porch. I nearly died!! I'm rooolling just remembering it.

    re RA
     
    I like the chase scene after ripping off the diapers, I roll every time
    I see that dog getting yanked back by the chain. 
    
    

	That's funny JD! They shouldn't ask if they don't want to know. My wife
is pretty good about it....... Now.

	Early in the marriage, she asked my opinion about a dress that she was
trying on, and it was just atrocious. I told her it looked just like the dress
they buried my Grandmother in. Suzi was really steamed, and starts giving me a
ration of excrement. I told her it would be dumb to go through our whole lives
lying about what we liked and didn't like, and that I'd be honest and tell her
when I liked stuff, and also tell her when I didn't. She decided that was
reasonable, however, I still get some pretty dirty looks if I tell her I don't
like something that she thinks is the greatest thing since the push-up bra.

Mike JN

    re: push-up bra
    
    Erin go braghless!!!!111
    
    

    Mike,
    
    That's the troof.  Whenever I see a couple somewhere, and the women
    has a totally ridiculous outfit on, I alway figure the poor dumb
    guy told her something like "Yeah, its....nice", when he really
    meant to say "That's the worst outfit I've ever seen" - so he's
    stuck walking around hoping no one he knows sees him with this babe
    in the horrid outfit.  
    
    I've also seen some particularly horrid outfits on some of the gents
    also...
    
    JD

    	Another Roseanne episode.
    
    	Becky walks in from school yelling and carrying on.
    
    	Roseanne asks Darlene what happened.
    
    	Darlene talks about Becky being in front of the student
    	council and Jimmy Meltrigger and how Becky "thanked them
    	for letting her express her opinion," at which point
    	Becky
    
    	CUT THE CHEESE!
    
    	I thought I'd die.
    
    	Later on, Dan and Roseanne in the living room:
    
    	Dan: "Well, aren't you going to talk to her?"
    
    	Roseanne: "I thought this was your area of expertise."
    
    	Too funny.
    
    	Scott

	Subj:	Dave Barry on Anger


There is definitely too much anger in the world today.  Pick up almost any
newspaper, and the odds are you'll get ink smeared all over your hands.  We use
a special kind of easy-smear ink, because we know how much it irritates you. 
But that's not my point.  My point is that if you pick up almost any newspaper,
you'll see stories of anger raging out of control, of people actually shooting
each other over minor traffic disputes.

Can you imagine?  Can you imagine feeling so much hostility that just because
you're in a traffic jam on a hot day, and you've been stuck for an hour waiting
in a long line of cars trying to exit from a busy highway, and along comes one
of those line-butting jerks, some guy who's talking on his cellular phone and
figures he's *too important* to be waiting in line with common restroom
bacteria like yourself, so he barges past the entire line and butts in *right
in front of you.*  So you honk your horn, and he shows you his Mister Digit hand
puppet, so you haul out a pistol large enough for anti-aircraft purposes and  -
*Let the scumball have it.  Hahahahahahahaha.  Wouldn't that be great??*

I mean terrible.  "Wouldn't that be terrible," is what I mean.  And this is why
it's so important that we learn to understand what anger is, and how we can
cope with it.  As you know, if you ever studied the famous Greek philosopher
Aristotle, he was easily the most boring human being who ever lived.  Thousands
of college students suffer forehead damage every year from passing out
face-forward while attempting to read his books.  But it was Aristotle who
identified anger as one of the Six Basic Human Emotions, along with Lust,
Greed, Envy, Fear of Attorneys and the Need to Snack.

We know that primitive man felt anger, as is evidenced by the deep kick marks
that archeologists have found in prehistoric vending machines.  We also see
evidence of anger in the animal kingdom.  The great white shark, for example,
periodically gets furious at the small seaside resort town of Amity and tries
to eat all the residents, possibly in an effort to prevent another sequel.

And dogs are for some historical reason *extremely* angry at cats.  I once
watched a dog named Edgar spot a cat roughly a hundred yards away and go
tearing after it, faster and faster, gaining ground with each step until he was
just inches away, at which point the cat made a very sharp right turn, leaving
Edgar to run directly, at Dog Warp Speed, into the side of a house. 
Fortunately, he absorbed the entire impact with his brain, so there was no
damage, but this incident teaches us that anger is very self-destructive, and
that we must learn to control it.

Let's take the case of the line-butting driver.  The trick here is to put
things into perspective.  Ask yourself:  Does it really matter, long-term, if
this guy butts in front of you? Is it really more important than serious world
problems such as Ethiopia or the Greenhouse Effect?

Yes.  No question.  You don't even know where Ethiopia is.  This is why
psychologists recommend, when you feel your anger getting out of control, that
you practice a simple yoga technique:  Imagine that you're in a peaceful, quiet
setting such as a meadow, then take a deep breath, then exhale slowly, then
gently s-q-u-e-e-z-e that trigger.  See how much better you feel?  In Advanced
Yoga, we use grenades.

Aside from traffic, the leading cause of anger is marriage.  No matter how much
you love somebody, if you spend enough time with that person, you're going to
notice his or her flaws.  If Romeo had stayed long enough under the balcony
staring up worshipfully at Juliet, he'd have become acutely aware of her nasal
hairs.

So most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory,
tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result
being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious
emotional shouting matches over issues such as toaster settings.

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way
to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room.  The key
here is timing.  You want to make your move *before* your opponent does,
because the first person to stomp from the room receives valuable Argument
Points that can be redeemed for exciting merchandise at the Marital Prize
Redemption Center.  Of course, you have to be on the alert for defensive
maneuvers.

A couple I know, named Buzz and Libby, were once having a Force Ten argument in
their kitchen, and Buzz attempted to make a dramatic exit stomp.  But Libby, a
former field-hockey player, stuck her foot out as he went past and tripped him,
so he wound up stumbling from the room, trying desperately to look dignified
but actually looking like a man auditioning for Clown School.  Libby won 5,000
bonus points, good for a handsome set of luggage.

Ultimately, however, anger benefits nobody.  If you keep it bottled up inside,
it eats away at you, until eventually you turn into a bitter, spiteful
hate-ridden person working in Customer Service.  So take my advice:  Lighten
up.  Don't let your anger get the best of you.  Don't lose your humanity, or
your sense of humor.  Don't *ever* try to butt in front of me.

    THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!
    
    I just got back into the office and figured I'd take a stroll through
    sports.note and the first unseen that comes up is 79.**something
    and Mike JN talking about Heston and the well.  Well after reading all
    of the replies up to here, I've been getting strange looks, been
    laughing so hard that I can't see, and worst of all, I don't have a
    change of underwear and pants here to change into before going home in
    a little while.  Sure, the little lady'll believe I pissed myself from
    laughing so hard.  Yeah right.  Next time warn me a day ahead so's I
    can pack some extra clothes.
    
    JaKe
    

	I thought of another one..... Women's high heels.

	There are certain women who have really got this down. Walking in high
heels, that is. They really look sharp. Elegant practically. And when they
walk, it's like, click, click, click, click..... very precise.

	There are an awful lot of women, though, who never seem to get the hang
of it; and when they walk, it's like, whackety-clack, clackety-whack,
whackety-clackety, clackety-whackety. Sometimes I stare at their feet, and try
to figure out what they're doing. Because if you shut your eyes, and just
listen, it sounds like there's maybe this huge 400 lb person with three legs
trying to tap dance.

	What gets me going, though, is when you're at a place that's supposed
to be quiet. Like in church at a funeral, or in a hospital, or library, or
something like that. Then various women start moving around. It is really LOUD!
It sounds like there's a whole slew of these inept carpenters all trying to
hammer nails or something. So I look around to see what everyone else is
thinking, and nobody is saying `SHH' or anything. It's like nobody notices. And
here's all this noise: WHACKETY-CLACKETY, CLACKETY-WHACKETY,WHACKETY-CLACKETY,
CLACKETY-WHACKETY!!! I start cracking up. Next thing you know, everybody's
looking at me again.

	I can't figure it.

Mike JN

    Growing up near the boardwalk on the Jersey Shore, I was always
    amazed why any lady would risk wearing high heels to the beach.
    
    But there they were risking major ankle damage as they tried
    to negotiate the openings between the boards.
    
    Click, snap, click, snap, click, snap, click, woahhhh, owwww ...
    
    Of course, the true Jersey Girls would never wear heels to the
    beach.  It was only the Long Island tourist "bennies" who were
    just down for the weekend who would invariably be sent back north
    with an Ace bandage or two around their ankles.
    
    Oh those childhood memories ...
    
    Bob Hunt

    Re: places you can't laugh in nor control your laughter
    
    Church is an ideal place for this!  The more you try to stop, the worse
    it gets.  One of the most embarrassing moments in my life is where we 
    were doing this church play.  It was during the Christmas season, back in 
    my jr. high days.
    
    I messed up my lines and my buddy started crackin' up in front of the
    whole congregation.  Two other girls (one of which is now my wife) were
    on the set with us and they chimed in with laughter.  We had a 5 minute
    piece and only do about 1 minute of it.  Spent the rest of the time
    crackin' up.  Seemed like it took forever though.
    
    Mike

    re Mike J - Too funny with the High Heels - it's the troof though.
    
    Re Bob H - some women will wear high heels everywhere.  On New Year's
    Day I got up early and went to Mt. Ranier to do a day hike - it
    was snowing at the mountain, so it was great, no one around.  ANyway,
    the first quarter mile or so from the trail head is a place where
    a lot of folks simply go for a short walk to get back to nature.
    
    Anyway, when I was exicting later in the afternoon, I see this couple
    about 1/2 mile into the trail, climbing over rocks - it's snowing,
    and the woman has HIGH HEELS ON!!!  SHe walking in the snow, on
    a trail, over rocks, IN HIGH HEELS!!!  I just stopped, sat on a
    rock, and started to chuckle.  I couldn't believe it - I mean who
    goes for a walk in the woods, in the snow, in HIGH HEELS!  It
    was too funny.
    
    Re Mike H - laughing in church.  In catholic school that was a big
    no no, so we always tried to get someone to crack up, so the nuns
    would rap him upside his haid.  Trying to control it was unreal,
    you'd be turning red, starting to sweat, and the nun would come
    over and axe what the problem was.  You knew if you talked, you'd
    start laughing, and get in trouble, but if you didn't answer her,
    youd get in trouble.  I got whacked upside the haid a few times....
    
    JD

Re JD and Bob H:
	
	I saw the same thing on Mt Washington.  Some bimbo was wearing
	high heels and a raincoat between Pinkham Notch and Tuckerman's
	Lake.  I would have severely lost it if she'd tried the headwall....

re Mike and church:

	One of the funniest things that ever happened to me was the
	year I was to make my confimration.  We had CYO class.  Anyway,
	the second class (we met in our homes on a revolving basis),
	someone cut the cheese during the final prayer.  Needless to
	say, at 13, we were rollward about that.

	Well, it got so that every week, all us guys would try and
	outdo ourselves.  Then, believe it or don't, the girls
	got into the act.  

	I can only remember the teachers first name, it was Phyllis, but
	anyway, we gave the poor lady a nervous breakdown.  So, finally,
	the priest gets all peeved and comes an talks to us.  Well, right
	in the middle of the talk, one of the kids (not me) let's the juiciest
	one you ever heard, escape.  Well, the priest lost his cool, swore
	a blue streak (no sh*t) and walked out.  Just when he was at the 
	door one of the other kids let a little squeaker go.....

	They finally has some guy who must've been a DI in the Corps come
	to teach us...  it was bad....no more fun....

re Catholic School:

	They hung Nazi war criminals for doing less than some of those
	Nuns get away with...  Truly a barbaric institution...

Chainsaw

Frank,

	I believe it! I could write books about stuff that went on in Catholic
Schools.

	When I was in first grade (this is the truth), they used to tie me up
and put me behind the piano in the corner.... so I'd yell at `em....  so... they
tied me up, put a rubber ball in my mouth, tied a neckerchief around my face to
hold the ball in, THEN put me behind the piano!

	After that things got worse and went downhill.

Mike JN

Well, I never went to Catholic school, but the nuns I ran into
in Catechism were some of the most sadistic people I'd ever
want to meet.

I believe your story there, Mike.  I remember when I was in fourth
grade, my dog had just died, and I said in catechism class that
I thought my dog went to heaven.  Well, this old nun (I mean this
woman was older than Jesus) made me write 50 times that you could
only get to heaven throught God's love, or something like that...

I was ready to going back to being a Methodist right then and there.
(My dad was a Methodist, my mom was Catholic, and when I was young 
I went to Sunday school.  Then when I was seven, for some reason, they
had me converted...)

So much for Catholic institutions...

Chainsaw_the_Heathen...

    I know this is way late to RE: .98, but I've been on vacation.  This
    goes back to the J. MacEnroe In and Out joke.
    
    Another apology if you've read this or it's been posted here before:
    
    
			"THE INS AND OUTS OF BASEBALL"

		The Rules of Baseball Are Actually Quite Simple		

You have nine guys in and nine guys out to start the game.  The guys 
that are out are trying to get the guys in out so that they can come in.

The guys in are trying to go out and not make outs so that when they 
come in they don't have to go out.

So in a typical inning the team in will send one guy out and when he 
makes an out he comes in.  The second guy that's in goes out and if he 
makes an out he comes in and the team that's in goes out.  And the team 
that's out comes in.

So then the team that was in that's out tries to get the team that was 
out that's in out.

For purposes of clarification, if the team that was out first has scored 
the same amount of runs as the team that was in first, and each team 
has been in and out nine times, you have to go into extra innings.

Again, for clarification, that means that the team that was out first is 
back out and the team that was in first is back in.

--Now the game is not going to go to much further!

The 10th inning then will start in typical fashion as the team that's in 
will send the first guy out and when he makes an out he comes in.  The 
second guy that's in goes out and if he makes an out he comes in.  And 
then the third guy who is in goes out and if he makes an out, then he 
comes in and the team that's in goes out and the team that's out comes 
in.

So then the team that was in that's out tries to get the team that was 
out that's in out.

Now if the first two guys on the team that's in go in and make outs, the 
third guy who's in knows that if he goes in and he makes an out he'll 
have to come in and his team then will have to go out and the team 
that's out will have to come in...so he doesn't want to go in and make 
an out.

So the third guy  goes in and hits the ball out and runs around all the 
bases and now, the team that's in goes out and carries him in.

And those are the "ins and outs" of baseball!!
    
    Printed without permission from the Houston Astros Spring Training
    Magazine.
    

    I went to public school for grades 1-8, so I only had to deal with
    the nuns for an hour each week on Saturday morning.  I went to a
    Catholic high school and we were taught by the Xaverian Brothers,
    so I managed to avoid the nuns then too.  The Brothers were OK but
    what I saw of the nuns in just an hour a week made me very glad
    I didn't have to go to a Catholic grammar school.
    
    John

>    Re: places you can't laugh in nor control your laughter
 
	I lost control of it in court once.  A buddie was in court and had me
and another buddie there as witnesses.  He was up arguing about something 
(pretty much making an ass out of himself, as he was defending himself) and
all of a sudden the DA or asst DA just let in to him.  I leaned over to my 
friend and said 'if your scoring this one at home that was a two point round
for the DA'.  Looking back it wasn't that funny, but becuase of where we were,
he started loosing it.  I looked over at him and I started loosing it.  Tears 
were rolling down are cheeks as we were trying to surpress the laughter.  We'd
come close to controling ourselves then we'd either look at each other or hear 
the other let out a little giggle and it would start again.  All the while I'm
thinking the judge is going to hear us and bolt up, start pounding the
desk with gavel, and scream "your out of order".  Well this gets me thinking
of the scene in 'Justice for All' and just makes it harder to control the 
laughter.  We made it out all right.  We only drew a couple of dirty glances
from a court officer.  Thankfuly we never had to get on the stand...


Mike

Mike...

That's too funny.

I have the dubious distinction of being the only person ever booted
out of the college choir I was in.  

We were having a bad rehearsal.  Our choir director wanted to do this
piece by Charles Ives very badly.  As much as I enjoy playing music
by Charles Ives, singing it is a b*tch, and it sounds like souls frying
in hell.  

I'm a second tenor, and that day, the entire tenor section could do no
right, we were tense, and it was like having the coach all over your
a__ for the entire practice.  Finally at one point, the director has
us singing (or attempting to) all by ourselves.  Let's face it, this
piece was way beyond out abilities, as there was only one tenor
voice major.  At any rate, the choir director finally screams out
"Oh, call me an ambulance".  Well, the guy next to me says very
softly, in his best Groucho Marx impression "Okay, you're an ambulance."

Well, I lost it.  It tried everything to hold it in except clothespins
on my earlobes.  I couldn't do it.  I had tears STREAMING down my cheeks,
I was convulsing uncontrollably, as all the tension released...

Needless to say, the ump (choir director) said "You're Gone!".  It took
me about five minutes to get the strength to get up and leave, I was
laughing so hard....

Chainsaw

>    true Jersey Girls would never wear heels to the
>    beach.  
    
    Of course not.  How could they get them over their hoofs?
    
    	--dan'l

    Mike, sounds like you went to one of them semi-disciplinarian Catholic
    elementary schools  8^. I had a crazy nun whack me upside the back of
    my haid during a test. Wouldnt have been so bad except she hit me with
    a Websters UNabridged dictionary. Sheared the back off 2 of my teef.
    Man was I p_o'd. I stood up, and spit white toof-flakes all over my
    desk. Then I sat down and finished my test. She didnt say a word
    to me until my dad went in and lit her, the principle, and their
    whole school system up.
    				Rich
    

Hey, Daniel, I married a Jersey Girl.  I'll make sure Cindy knows what you
think of her particular heritage.

:-)

Bob Hunt

    re Frank a few back:
    
    I'm shocked that a chorus director would boot a tenor out of his chorus
    for *any* reason...EVERYONE needs tenors!
    
    (Don't know what any of this has to do with sports, but I'm nonetheless
    rooollliinngg.)
    
    
    py (one of just three tenors in ZKO's Spit Brook singers)

Paul --

What got me peeved was that I only reacted...I wasn't the one who
instigated it...

I was back in a couple of days later, after a "talking to"...  You're
right, tenors are a premium item in a choir...

latered,
fw

    Re: tenors
    
    I heard Chainsaw sang tenor, ten or twelve miles from everyone else ;-)

    Ah, Caflik (tm) school.
    
    My nun in 5th grade was the same nun who taught MY father in 5th
    grade!  He came in for the teacher/parent talks and said he was
    still a-scared of her!
    
    We had one nun who liked to box yer ears.  I'd always be talking
    wif the girl in fron of me - Ellen Robinson - my first love - had
    a crush on her from 3rd grade through 8th grade.  She alwasy sat
    near me.  ANyways, in 5th grade, Sr. Agnes didn't like boys talking
    wif the girls, and if you did, she'd box yer ears.  Ellen was a
    real imp, so she'd start jawing wif me, coyly revealing some creamy
    white thigh to me, set me a jawing and a giggling, and then wham
    - my ears get boxed.  I think Ellen is probably inta S&M now ;-)
    
    But the funniest damn thing was in 8th grade.  About 12 of us got
    in trouble for some such thing.  We had a ex-marine D.I. nun, who
    really whacked the hell outta ya.  Anyway, her favorite trick was
    to grab ya by the tie, pull ya towards her, whack ya, let some slack
    off tie, you'd roll back, and she'd yank ya forward.  See, 8th graders
    had tie their ties - no clip ons allowed.  Anyways, we're out in
    the hall, and she's chewing us out, grabbing ties and whacking us,
    when she comes to Bill Donovan - who is simply cracking up, he caint
    stop, we keep cracking up, she gets madder and madder and gets in
    front of Donovan - grabs his tie and yanks with all  her migh -
    he was wearing a clip on - he flew from his neck,  and she moved
    backwards, almost losing her balance - needless to say, we all started
    hooting, and she turned beat read - man whatta a day - she was whipping
    him with the tie, he was cracking up, we were cracking up, the nun
    was beat read and screaming - we all got detention/suspension/parent
    conferences.  But it was a hoot.
    
    JD

Hilarious Jd. 

	I had some really good nones (when they say nun they mean none), for
various classes even in High School... many of them really good people... but I
have to believe sexual repression isn't good for a person. *;'D

Mike JN

>Hey, Daniel, I married a Jersey Girl.  I'll make sure Cindy knows what you
>think of her particular heritage.
    
    jersey N, pl jerseys ... 3: any of a breed of small short-horned
    predominantly yellowish brown or fawn dairy cattle noted for their rich
    milk
    
    [Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary (which the nuns are probably
    belting kids with as we speak)]
    

    
    
    These remind me of a nun who taught our Sunday school.
    
    She was so old, she helped lead Moses's people.
    
    Anyway they finaly retired her after breaking a blackboard with a kids
    head. She also tried chasing a kid down the corridor. He wouldn't stop, 
    so she gave him a boot. Unfortunately, he was at the top of the stairs.
    When he was done rolling, he was at the bottom of the staircase.
    
    Then there was Sister Ceicil.
    
    If she caught you flipping baseball cards, she would make you play her.
    
    She never lost, she also had the biggest collection in the state.
    
    
    Lou

    Sister Blanche was the worst. Funniest thing I ever HEARD happened to
    her. This kid in 8th grade (I was in 7th) always ran down the hall
    after monitoring the 3-4th graders recess. Tim Spencer was his name.
    One day, Sister Blanche got fed up with Spence. He was running down the
    hall, she heard him coming, anticipated, waited, waited, then...
    WHAM!! she swung the door open, he ran headlong into the door!!!
    The whole class was on the floor, but so was Spence. Took about
    15 stiches to close him up, but no lawyers came around to ask our
    side of the story. She said "I'll make him stop running in MY halls".
    Funniest damn thing I ever heard--- WHAMMMM!!!! 
    				Rich
    

    When I was in high school we had this rolly polly d-back coach named
    Abe. Since I played Cornerback I was with him everyday. One day we were
    scrimmaging the meat squad offense and a buddy of mine missed his
    coverage and got toasted ala Denver for six. Well Abe goes nuts
    screaming "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE-EEEEEEE"? Stahl
    calmly turns and points to where he should have been. The next play
    Stahl slipped and got roasted again, thi s time abe throws his
    clipboard down and all his papers magically fly out and land in the
    mud. Abe is still screaming at Shalh as he goes to pick up his papers,
    then **WUMP** down he goes right on his hind quarters. I fell over, and
    I didn't stop doing laps until school the next morning. 
    
    Another time was when we scored with like :08 left in the half. Our
    Kickoff team was mostly Jrs and they all got blocked out of the play.
    Since Abe was also KO coach he was really streamed. So at half time we
    are sitting in this classroom and Abe goes to throw a desk across the
    room. I nearly came unglued as he slipped and stumbled over it. I am
    still laughing as I remember those incidents. 
    
    
    the devil dog who never went to Catholic school  

    Have you heard about the new soft drink line being endorsed by the Dan
    Reeves, Jerry Cooney and the GM of the Cubs?  
    
    Choke, Diet Choke, and Choke Classic
    
    
    The local radio station did a great take off "ad" this morning,
    dedicating it to the basketball teams of, among others, Purdue and
    Oklahoma, and the Dallas Cowboys.

Re the Nun who was with Moses:

	Maybe she can tell us if Dathan was really Edward G....


My sponsor for Confirmation (you know the guy who stood behind ya
while the Bishop smears wesson oil -- well the church calls it
Holy Chrism, or something like that -- on yer haid) used to go to
Catholic School in Baltimore.  Did you know that's where they invented
Cathecism...

Anyway...his Nun used to peench them when they were bad.  Well he started
wearing sweaters.  This one Nun got hip, so she'd make him get up,
take off his sweater, pinch the crap outta his arm, and then make him
put his sweater on and sit back down.  Either that or she'd peench
his ear lobe real hard.


The funniest thing that ever happened in regular school was in 7th
grade math class.  Now our regular teacher was pretty funny.  This
man had more zits than a Clearasil test patch, and if he smiled, they
would pop (Gawd's honest troof).  But anyway, this one day he was out.

Now, this substitute was an older Polish fellow, fairly portly, who
spoke with an accent.  Now, our math class made the class in "Stand
and Deliver" look like cherubs.  At one point, one kid told Jan (the sub)
to f___ off.  Well, Jan grabs a ruler and starts chasing this kid around
the perimeter of the room.  Around and around, over desks.

At first I marvelled at the man's agility (especially considering he
had to be near 60)  But what finally got to me was he was yelling
"I beat the s___ out of you, you leetle rascal, I go to jail, but
I beat the s___ out of you!" while he was running.  I have never seen
anything so funny in my life.  I was laughing so hard my sinuses hurt...

The kid finally took a left at the door, and made it to the hallway, 
where  Jan chases him down the hall.   About 10 minutes later, the
Vice Principal comes in to watch us for the rest of class, and Jan
was never heard from again.... 

'Saw

    Re: trying not to laugh
    
    I'm reading all this stuff from a classroom.  The nun hitting the
    doorjam was rough!

Did anyone catch "Dieter's Dance Party" on SNL this weekend?

It was Dieter, of "Sprockets" fame, and it was pretty funny.
The reason I mention it was because one of the "songs" on the
Dance Party was "Weird Nun" by SchreibstMachine.

Sprockets, and the Dance Party are take offs on German TV.

I was rollin'.  If you've never caught the skit they do called
Sprockets, you've got to see it.  Dieter is always asking someone
to touch his monkey, he dances so queer, and is always talking
like a Neo-Existentialist...  At the end of each skit, he says
"Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance".  Sprockets of
course, is pronouced "Shprockets"...

Check it out...it is too funny...

Chainsaw

    
    Yeah, Dieter was pretty funny.  Problem was, it was about the only
    thing funny on the show.  Well, except for the lead singer of "The
    Pogues", maybe...
    
    glenn
    

>                            -< Rob Lowe bombed... >-

	Yeah, Lowe bombed, but Helmethead was funny..
    
>    Yeah, Dieter was pretty funny.  Problem was, it was about the only
>    thing funny on the show.  Well, except for the lead singer of "The
>    Pogues", maybe...
    
    The singer from the Pogues was unbelievable - I heard him say America
once, but I couldn't understand another word. The guy was swallowing the 
microphone or something... The accordion player jumping up and down
was a riot..

Jim M

>>    Yeah, Dieter was pretty funny.  Problem was, it was about the only
>>    thing funny on the show.  Well, except for the lead singer of "The
>>    Pogues", maybe...


	Dennis Miller always has a few good laughs in the 'Weekend update'.


Mc

I saw exactly 15 minutes.  It started with Dieter, who really makes
me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants every time (sincerely) and
then Dennis Miller with weekend update.  The rabbit was too cool.

I also got a kick out of the John Lovitz "Governor" skit, with the
guy running on a platform of cruel and unusual punishment.  Lovitz
looked about as "Texas" as I look Swahili....

Has anyone ever seen the Sprockets episode with Carvey as Jimmy Stewart?
Rollward...

Also, my other favs are the Anal Retentive {Carpenter,Chef,Accountant}
and Carvey doing George "not prudent at this juncture" Bush...

Chainsaw

PS  Who's the guy who does Dieter...

    
       If you can ever find it in the video stores, check out a
    movie with Joe Strummer and the Pogues. I'm not sure if the
    title is "Go Straight to Hell", but I know that it is the
    title of one of the songs in the soundtrack.
       As strange as it seems, it's a Western.
    
    Bull
    

    My favorite Dennis Miller quip came on a picture of Bush and Gorby at
    the Summit at Sea, they were sitting at the table and both were using
    hand gestures. Dennis said something like...
    
    ..."Things are getting silly at the Summit at Sea as we see that
    President Bush finally got Gorbochov (sp) to pull his finger."
    
    I was in stitches for a week.

    J_Hernandez, your p_name is totally sick.......
    
    Hawk

One of my all time favorites was when they had Sigourney
Weaver on with the Church Lady...

You think Nuns are bad, can you imagine the Church Lady teaching
school...

			YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK.....


If you ever used lard in bed.
If you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
If you have ever spraypainted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
If you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
If someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.
If your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before 
	telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
If the primary color of your car is Bondo.
If directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
If you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
If you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
If Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
If you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk 
        jug in the car.
If you have a rag for a gas cap.
If the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
If you have a hefty bag on the passenger side of the window of your car.
If you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
If you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message "For a 
	good time call ______."
If your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
If Redman chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
If you bought a vcr because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
If you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
If your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
If you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
If your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
If your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
If you have ever started a petition to have the national anthem changed to
	"Free Bird."
If you call the boss "dude."
If you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
If you  consider you license plate "personalized" becuase your father made it.
If you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your apperance.
If you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the
	House of Tatoos.
If your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
	the lube rack.
If you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
If after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
    



To Distribution List:

TED MCDONALD @MKO,
GARY GANNON @WJO,
CHUCK BRADSHAW @WJO,
STEVE DIPASQUALE @WMO,
RICK HANCOCK @WMO,
JAY VOGT @WMO,
NAME: jvogt@memcl1@vmsmail <JVOGT@MEMCL1@VMSMAIL>,
VIN RUSSO @WMO,
MICHAEL MARRELLA @WMO,
ALBIE BUONANNO @NIO,
FERULLO@SALEM@VMSMAIL,
BOB LEGER @WMO,
ROGER LAWLER @WJO,
WAYNE GORSKI @WMO,
JOHN BRADSHAW @YWO,
GENE BAIN @WMO,
KEN ESPOSITO @WMO,
MARK JORDAN @WMO,
GARY CRANDALL @WMO,
JIM MARTIN @WMO

    
    EXCELLENT!!!11
    
    Request permission to extract & distribute
    
    Bull~
    

    .178 forgot one:
    
    You know you might be a redneck if the richest member of your family
    buys a home and you have to help him take the wheels off it.
    

    re:.179
       Have at it, I got it off the Net myself.
                                Denny

	"You know you're a redneck when your son says to
	 you:  You're right, Pa, Ma does "kiss" better'n Sis..."

	When you say `I'm gonna get some tonight'... and your friends know this
involves coon dogs and flashlights.

Mike JN

    How can YOU permanently paralyze YOUR girlfriend from the waste down???
    
    
    Marry Her.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Marry her:==Buy the Cow
    
    
    

    Heard this one from a comedian I saw a few years ago and will never
    forget it.  For those easily offended, do the NEXT UNSEEN number.
    
    
    
    Blow j()bs.  Who came up with that name?  Don't you think women would
    be more inclined to provide that service if they were called...
    
    
     
    Blow Vacations!?!
    

    The police raided one of the local houses of prostitution last night.
    They lined up all of the "ladies of the evening" along a wall outside
    of the plaxce and were interviewing them one-by-one.  A 84 year old
    woman saw the commotion and asked one of the hookers what was going on.
    The hooker, in a snotty voice, replied, "they're passing out
    lollipops!"  The old woman decided she wanted a lollipop and got at the
    end of the line.  When the police captain got to her he looked at her
    fora few seconds, astounded by her age and said, "you're a little bit
    old for this, aren't you woman?"
    To which the eloderly woman replied:
    
    
    "Well as long as they keep making them I'll keep sucking on them!!"
    
    
    JaKe
    

    
       From the 4/2/90 Edition of SI
    
       Pete Incaviglia, arguing that baseball players aren't overpaid:
     "People think we make $3,000,000 and $4,000,000 a year. They don't
    realize that most of us only make $500,000."
    
    
      Jerry Glanville, on his recent bout with pneumonia:"I thought
    maybe I was going to become a general manager, because I kept
    wanting to take a nap." 
    
    Bull~
    

    I saw a funny T-shirt this weekend:
    
    Remember the Refrigerator Repairman on Saturday Night Live?  It had a
    picture of him on it with the inscription -
    
    
                        JUST SAY NO TO CRACK!

    This isn't a joke, but I got a chuckle out of it.
    
    Went for a trip along the Washington and Oregon coast this weekend,
    and a  lot of the small towns had their high schools with signs
    like "East Bay High, home of the Pirates" or "....home of the Loggers".
    
    But there were a couple that struck me as funny.  One was a high
    school that was "....home of the Gulls"  Having a sky rat for a
    mascot isn't exactly too keen in my view.  But the all time bested
    was the Gray Harbors Community College - which boasted:
    
      "Home of the CHOKERS"
    
    I was cracking up....home of the Chokers.  What a confidence booster
    that is.  What cheers they could invoke.  If they win, the headline
    could be "Chokers don't.
    
    JD

    
    this isn't a joke either, this is just to freakin incredible to 
    believe
    
    Seems customs agents busted a guy the other day who had a pound of
    cocaine surgically implanted in his legs. 1/2 lb in each thigh.
    of course Chuck had a ball with it, "Is that coacaine in your
    leg or are you just happy to see me"....
    
    mike

    This little guy was sittin at the bar havin' a drink. This huge
    guy walks in. The little guy says "Hi, Big Guy". Just as he finishes
    saying that, the big guy chops him in the neck and says, "That was
    a Karate chop from China." The little guy is p.o.'d, but what can he
    do? Then the big guy kicks the little guy in the haid and says, "That
    was a Kung Fu kick from Korea." The little says "I'm outta here" and
    heads for the door. Just as he gets off the barstool the big guy picks
    him up and flips him across the room and says "That was a Judo flip
    from Japan!" The little guy bolts out the door. The big guy sits down
    and starts his brew. Then the little guy sneaks in, and pops the big
    guy in the back of the haid. Then he turns to the bartender and says,
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    "When that A__h___ wakes up, tell him that was a hammer from Sears!"
    
    			Rich
    
    
    

    Ha ha ha, nice one, Rich!  :*) :*)
    
    Lee
    

    This fellow who had worked in advertising/marketing died and, upon
    entering heaven, met St. Peter.  St. Peter said, "In the interest
    of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here in heaven,
    or to go to hell.  You can look around here for a few minutes, then
    go visit hell for a while before you decide.  The catch is that your
    decision is final -- no changing your mind."
    
    So, the fellow started walking around heaven;  what he saw, he thought
    to be a bit boring.  People were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking
    tea.  It wasn't bad, but it did look a kind of slow.  He mentioned this
    to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision.
    
    Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors
    imprinted with "HELL".  Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached
    gingerly for it.  Surprisingly, the handle was cool to the touch.
    Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity.  People
    were standing around eating, drinking, dancing -- in general having
    a great time.  The marketing fellow thought that this looked like
    much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and
    told him that he had chosen hell.
    
    Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors.  Reaching
    to open the door, he scorched his hand on the blisteringly hot
    handle.  After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and he
    could hear horrendous screaming and moaning.  He stood there,
    incredulous.  The devil walked up and asked if there was some 
    problem.  "Yes", the fellow replied, "I was just down here ten minutes
    ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great
    time!  What happened?"
    
    
    "Well, yes", the devil replied,
    
    
    
    		"but that was a demo!!""

Q:	How does a man determine who his true friends are?

A:	Walk into a public restroom with casts on both hands
    

       Okay, that's it, call the Net Police. Someone's using John's (sic)
    terminal again!!
                                    Denny  ;^)

    Why do shepherds wear robes??????????
    
    
    Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

I cain't get over the apparent Transformation of John Hendry.

Has anyone else noticed this? 

Was it something that he ate or drank at the game?  Could it be
some type of osmosis from hanging around with us freakin' lunatics?

I mean, this could be a story for Inside Edition...

'Saw

    No 'Saw, you freakin' lunatic!  You corrupted him!
    
    Mike

    
    I doubt Mr T will even consider him for a running mate in the NOTY
    contest next year.

Well, yes, I suppose if culpability (I learned that word from Mr T)
must be assigned, then I should assign it to myself.

I got to the park, had a couple of beers to go wif the couple I had
in the Rat, and proceeded to meet some fine people.  The kids
from Meffaa, and the coeds from MIT, et al.

Then, John Hendry introduced himself to me.  Summoning up all my
freakin' lunatic powers I looked him SQUARE in the eye, and said
"I'm the Chainsaw", while at the same time I was thinking "Become
a Mutant Ninja Beach Ball Destructor"...

Well, we didn't have to wait long for it to happen.  Suddenly, the
reserved innocence was pealed away, sloughed off like an old skin,
and the New Improved(?) MegaManly Testosterone Dripping Beach Ball
Destroying Ninja Hendry was born...

ChainsawSpawn strikes again!

    How many paranoid peole does it take to change a light bulb?
    
    
    
    
    Who wants to know?
    
    
      
    How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    
    
    
    THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!

    How do you keep a freakin' lunatic in suspense?
    
    I'll tell you next week.

    Why don't Arabs circumsize their camels?
    
    They wouldn't have any place to hide their gum during a sandstorm.
    
    Mark.

    Know why Catholics are glad Christ was crucified instead of stoned?
    
    Instead of making the sign of the cross, they'd have to hit themselves
    in the forehead!

    Why do dogs lick themselves?
    
    Because they can!

    re .207
    
    I'm rolling.........
    
    A&W

The other day a Pit Bull started humping my leg.

So I did what any other sane and rational person would have done
under those circumstances....


I faked an orgasm....

    What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm???
    
    
    How are we supposed to find an egg in all of this sh!t!!!
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Why do dogs lick themselves?

    Because they can!


    ... and because he's going to lick your face next.

Chuck

    Before I worked for Digital, I had a job circumsizing elephants.  The pay
    wasn't too good...
    
    
    
    but the tips were enormous!
    
    	--dan'l

    	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    
    	Just one, but he really has to want to change it.
    
    				/Don

    
what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there's a dog!
    
    =Bob=

                 <<< MSEE::USER$1:[NOTES$LIBRARY]GOLF.NOTE;1 >>>
                               -< The Good Game >-
================================================================================
Note 2.67                          Golf jokes                           67 of 67
RAYBOK::COOPER "MAD HACKER"                          63 lines  25-APR-1990 18:06
                            -< Another Golf Game  >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I found this out on a customer site and thought I would pass it
    along.
    
                     OFFICIAL RULES OF INDOOR GOLF
    
    1.  Each player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally
        one club and two balls.
    
    2.  Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
    
    3.  Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
        and keep the balls out of the hole.
    
    4.  For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
        Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft
        before play begins.
    
    5.  Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club
        to avoid damage to the hole.
    
    6.  The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
        until the course owner is satisfied.
    
    7. It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole
       immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player
       will normally admire the entire course with special attention to
       well formed bunkers.
    
    8.  Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses that they
        have played, or concurrently are playing, to the owner of the
        course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a
        players equipment for this reason.
    
    9.  Players should assure themselves that their match has been
        properly scheduled, especially on a different course being
        played for the first time. Previous players have been known 
        to get irate if they find someone else playing what they 
        consider to be their own private course.
    
    10. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
        times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is temp-
        orarily under repair and the player is advised to use tact in
        the determination. Most advanced players will find alternate
        means of play when this is the case.
    
    11. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
        play the same hole several times in one match.
    
    12. Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
    
    13. It is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score to
        other players or that he has even played the course. Players who
        have contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are
        cautioned that information reaching the owner that he has played
        some other course may result in the contract being concelled and
        a suit for damage instituted.
    
    14. In an effort to promote slow play, players attempting to play the 
        same course must let the player who started playing the course
        first finish the hole. Each player may play the hole alternately
        thereafter. The player able to play the hole the most times will
        be the winner, unless the owner determines that one player has
        played far better than the others.

    I was in Athens, GA (Meca to REM and B52 fans) a few weekends ago. 
    Though I don't like the Bulldogs, I gotta admit, it's a real beauty of
    a campus and a helluva nice stadium.  It reminded me of this joke I'd
    heard a few years back:
    
    Two rednecks, Clem and Zeb, had heard a lot about how fun the football
    games were at Athens, so they decided to take their pickup off the
    blocks and drive out of the mountains and see a game.  
    
    They was sittin' in their seats during the pre-game festivities.  Now
    at Georgia there's this tradition about running their Bulldog mascot
    Uga out to the 50 yardline before the game and letting him sit there
    for a couple minutes.  So the cheerleader does this.  Clem and Zeb are
    all kinds of excited and really getting into the show.
    
    Just then Uga starts to lick hisself.  Clem says to Zeb, "Man, look at
    that dawg lick hisself right there in front of all these people!"
    
    Zeb replies to Clem, "Yep. Wish I could do that."
    
    Clem says to Zeb, "Yep, but don'tcha think if you could...
    
    
    
    
    that dawg would bite you somethin' fierce!
    

    Seen on a poster in a pro jersey shop:
    
    "This is your brain (shows picture of Celtics & Suns uniform)
    
    This is your brain on drugs (shows picture of a Lakers uniform)
    
    Any questions?"
    
    :^)

    	MIKE BABY YOU ARE MILKING THIS ONE DISCREETLY BABY!!!

*_______, of Shrewsbury Personnel, swears this is a true story.

Seems there was this Massachusetts fellow who attended a golf 
outing in Salem, MA. Unfortunately, he spent a little too much 
time at the 19th hole and became a bit tipsy. 

While driving home on Route 128 (a major MA. highway), a 
Massachusetts state trooper noticed his erratic driving and 
pulled him over to investigate his condition. Just after the 
trooper came to the man's car and had him get out to take a 
sobriety test, an accident occurred behind them. The trooper told 
the man, "Now, you stay right here while I check this accident out."

After waiting a few minutes, the man decided that the trooper was 
well occupied with the accident and slipped in the car and drove 
off. He carefully navigated his way home, walked in the house and 
told his wife his wasn't feeling well and went to bed.

About 3:00 A.M. there was a knock on their door. The man, 
unconscious to the world, didn't know his wife greeted two 
Massachusetts State Troopers at their doorstep. The troopers 
confirmed, with the woman, the address and that the man did, in 
fact, reside there. 

His wife explained that he didn't feel well and went to bed early. 
They asked if he drove home. She said, yes, indeed he did. The 
troopers then asked if they could see the car. She readily
agreed and walked them out to the garage. They raised the garage 
door open and sure enough with glistening blue lights adorning the top,
was their Massachusetts State Police Patrol car!!!
    
    * name omitted to protect the innocent

    > Note 79.225 is being written
    
    	no it's not.. why do you lie?  8^)

 
    IOC official to Ben Johnson:  "I have some good news and some bad news.
    First, the bad news.  You've tested positive for steroids, so we've
    stripped you of your gold medal, banned you from competition for two 
    years, and you'll probably live out the balance of your life in shame
    and poverty."
 
	Ben Johnson:  "My God!  Well, what's the good news?"

     
	IOC official:  "At least you don't play for John Thompson."

Once upon a time there was this yellow frog.  Now, the fact that
he was yellow, and not green, was a cause of great embarassment
and consternation to him.

One day, after bearing all rude comments of the other frogs in the
pond, he got really fed up, and went to see the Fairy Godmother.

"Fairy Godmother," he said, "you have to help me.  I'm so tired 
of being yellow.  Can't you make me green like all the other frogs?"

"Well," she replied, "that's quite a tall order.  I don't really
know..."

"Please," asked the frog.

The Fairy Godmother decided it was okay, so she turned him green.
The only problem was that she didn't quite get all of him green.

"Fairy Godmother," exclaimed the frog, "you've turned me all
green except for my penis.  You've got to do that too, or the
other frogs will laugh even harder at me!"

"I can't help you," said the Fairy Godmother, "because that's not
my department.  That's a job for the Great Wizard!"

"But where is the Great Wizard?" asked the exasperated frog.

"In the woods, deep in the woods", replied the Fairy Godmother.

So the frog took off into the deep woods to find the Great Wizard in
the hopes that he could make his penis green to match the rest of him.

Not long after he left, a pink elephant approached the Fairy Godmother,
pleading to be turned grey, because he was being laughed at by the
rest of the elephants.  Also explaining that he'd never asked for anything
he was almost at the point of begginng.

Resignedly, the Fairy Godmother turned him grey, all except for his
penis.  The elephant was also quite dismayed by the fact that his
penis had remained pink, and begged the Fairy Godmother to turn
his penis grey also.

The Fairy Godmother explained that penises were not her department and
that the elephant would have to see the Great Wizard.

"Where do I find him?" asked the elephant.

"Deep in the woods", replied the Fairy Godmother.

"But how will I find him?  I don't know my way around in the woods," lamented
the elephant....

"Well, if you hurry," replied the Fairy Godmother,

           "you can just follow the yellow dicked toad!"


(PS Hawk, hope you like it...)

   Rollin Stephen

   Troof IS stranger than Friction
   Mike JN

From: rsoc@doc.ic.ac.uk (Robert O'Connor)
Newsgroups: rec.music.makers
Subject: Stupid Band Names
Organization: Dept. of Computing, Imperial College, London, UK.
 
All the following are genuine UK band names from 1989 as stolen from the
Making Music freebee magazine (incidentally probably the best magazine of
its kind available here in Britain). I know this is more suited to
rec.humor, but you lot are probably a lot more discerning (and warped) than
that lot, so here goes... 
 
Cheesy Hood And The Precautions
Bob is 32
Gang Green
Pink Volkswagen
And The Cow Went Yech
Psycho's Mum
Cosmic Orgasms
Cranial Cheesecake
Turbo Slag
Projectile Vomit
A Fridge Too Far
Son of God's Mate
Hairy Canary
S*it With Eggs On
Dang Wam Sam
Eddie Sh*t
Haddock Fish Beast
14 Iced Bears
Brief Case Full Of Slugs
Nel Mangle Versus The Robinsons
Emma Gibbs Loves Badgers
Donkey's Scrot*m
Blue Bum Snoggers
The Marauding Mutant Headbangers From Hell
Door Marked Summer
Throd
Rancid Hell Spawn
Polished Electric Head
Shi* - Only Ten Minutes to Get to Ledbury
Indigo Plankton-Motus
Ned The Sponge
Mad And Bonkers
Fat        
Fat And Frantic
Poodle Whumpies
Foul Language And The Chicken *hits
Aardvark And The Swinging T*sticles
Toggle And The Dufflecoats
Billie B***l And The Movements
Richard Brown And The House Of The Tragic Poet
Randolph Silage Pit And His Exploding Hamster
Dr Foulbreath And The Molten Medicine Show
Bongo Sherbert And The Electrified Yeti Wobblers
God And The Crazy Lesbians From Hell
Joe The Crow And The Birdseeds
Invasion Of The Lego Men (one of my old bands)
 
Apologies if you're actually in one of these bands, and if you're not, then
don't pinch them!!!
                                               Rob O'Connor

From: simons@Think.COM
To: fun
Subject:    RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS
  
  According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business.  This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How  Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
 
  Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disquise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot.  Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
 
  1. Pick the right bank.  Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money.  On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank.  A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway.  She turned him in.
 
  2. Approach the right teller.  Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant.  She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up.  Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
 
  3. Don't sign your demand note.  Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detriot, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.
 
  4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.  A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini.  The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."
 
  5. Avoid being fussy.  A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun.  Give me all your twenties in this envelope."  The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties."  The robber took them and left.
 
  6. Don't advertise.  A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.  Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.  Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars.  They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.
 
  7. Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base.  They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toolbooth, offered the
security men money.
 
  8. Provide your own transportation.  It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police.  This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
 
  9. Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
tthe cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.
 
  10. Consider another line of work.  One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly.  Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
 
  In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.

_______________________________________________________________________________________
 
In the truth being stranger than fiction department:
 
- Salt Lake City's "panty bandit" episode took a turn in February when 15 women 
reported the man had mailed them back bras and underpants he had stolen from 
their homes, citing a "religious conversion."  (However, to at least one woman, 
he sent $12 cash with a note, "I like these. I'm not sending them back.  This 
should cover it.")
 
-LOS ANGELES (AP) - Jesus Lopez, 19, was struck and killed by two cars while 
"mooning" passing vehicles on a highway, authorities said.
 
- Letter carrier Charles Palmer shot himself to death two days before the start 
of his trial for ordering 300 magazine subscriptions for an optometrist in 
retaliation for bad service.
 
- Among the activities at the American Zookeepers Association's annual 
convention in Syracuse in September was a contest to identify animal droppings.
 
- Dr. Janis Ashley told a Sedalia, MO., newspaper in October that she planned
to become a man so she could raise a family.  It will be her first sex change 
operation since 1978 when she became a woman at age 25.
 
- The annual Gotmaar Festival in Pandhurna, India, came off on schedule after 
a full moon in September.  One day a year, all activity stops and residents 
divide into two groups, gather rocks and hurl them at each other.  At dusk, the 
fighting ceases, and they bury the dead, nurse the wounded and return to work.  
This year, four were killed and 612 wounded.
 
-HAMMOND, Ind. - A woman on life support died after a utility company 
disconnected power to her home instead of the house next door, a company 
spokesman said.
 
- Grandmother Margaret Healy, 65, was arrested in New York City in October and 
charged with prostitution after she stripped down to black lingerie for 
undercover officers.
 

    I saw Judy's Tiny Head in at Bunratty's in the early 80's.  Cool
    band.
    
    My current favorite band name is Lubricated Goat.
    
    Mark.

A band I planned but never came to fruition...

	Frank Wave and the Ozone Invaders

(sigh) those were the days....

'Saw

    The seven dwarves go to Rome to see the Pope and Dopey goes up to speak
    to him with the other dwarves standing close behind him......
    
    Dopey: "Your holiness...can you tell me are there any dwarf nuns in
            Britain??
    
    Pope: "No my son."
    
    6 Dwarves - hehehehehehehehehe
    
    Dopey: "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
    
    Pope: "No my son."
    
    6 dwarves - hehehehehehehehehehehehhehehehe

    
    Dopey: "Are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"
    
    Pope: "No my son."
    
    6 dwarves - hehehehehehehhehehehhehehehehehehehhehehehehhehehehehe
    
    Dopey: "So there are no dwarf nuns anywhere?"
    
    Pope: "No my son."






    6 dwarves: "Dopey did a penguin....Dopey did a penguin...........
    

   Rollin' big time JD

   I just let out a yelp of laughter, and everyone's lookin at me again.

   Mike JN

    ************************************************************************
                    Read this quick before the Mod gets to it!!
                            (You have been warned)
    ************************************************************************

                                                  
    Three men in a bar are talking about their sexual prowess as evidenced
    by the number of children they have.
    
    First Man  : "I have four sons.  One more and I'll be able to field
                  my own basketball team."
    
    Second Man : "Well I already have five sons, and my wife's pregnant
                  so I'll be able to field my own volleyball team."
    
    Third Man  : "I've got you all beat.  I need one more son and I
                  will have my own football team!!!!"
    
    At this point, the local drunk chimes in and says:
                                             
    
    
    
    		 "That's nothing....I have 17 daughters.  One more and
                  I'll have a Golf Course!!!"
    
    
    
    PJ (who had to change his pen-name in honor of the Penguin joke)

    re: Penguin
    
    I told it to my grandfather.........he liked it.

    They have a chocolate cookie type bar over here in England called
    Penguin. I fall ovber when I see the advert now, because it goes
    
    		"Pick Up A Penguin" !!!!!!
    
    ;-)  ;-)  ;-)
             
    Wayne.

    
    
    Frigid Pink
    Peanut Butter Conspiracy
    Ultimate Spinach
    
    

    
    Genesis (w/Peter Gabriel)

    Three nuns die and go up to the pearly gates and are greeted by St
    Peter.  St. Peter tells the nuns that before they enter Heaven, they
    must answer a question correctly.
    
    He proceeds to ask the first nun who the first man on earth was, to
    which she replies, "That's easy, it was Adam."
    
    Bells and whistles go off, lights flash and the gates open and she is
    allowed to enter.
    
    St. Peter asks the 2nd nun who the first woman on earth was to which
    she replies, "That was Eve."
    
    Bells and whistles go off, lights flash and the gates open and she is
    allowed to enter.
    
    St Peter then asks the last nun what was said in the first conversation
    between Adam and Eve.  She thinks for a while, scratches her chin,
    thinks some more then replies:
    
    OOh, this is a hard one
    
    Bells and whistles go off, lights flash and the gates open and she is
    allowed to enter.
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    I don't know if this one is in here or not so I'm gonna put it in here
    anyway..
    
    *************************CAUTION**************************************
    IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, HIT NEXT UNSEEN
    *************************CAUTION**************************************
    
    
    A drunk who has not had a drink in a day or so walks into a bar.
    At the bar he tells the bartender that he will wash the floor if the
    bartender will give him a drink.  The bartender says, "we already have
    someone who washes the floor, sorry!"
    
    The drunk then says he will sweep the sidewalk for a drink and the
    bartender again says that this is someone's job already.  
    
    The drunk then offers to clean the windows, and is again told that
    someone already does this job.
    
    A patron of the bar sitting at the end of the bar overhears this and
    calls the drunk over.  
    
    The following conversation ensues:
    
    Patron:  How bad do you want a drink???
    
    Drunk:  I need a drink real bad!!!
    
    Patron:  Well, I'll buy you a drink BUT first you have to do something
    for me!!
    
    Drunk:  Ok, what's the job
    
    Patron:  No job, just take a swig from that full spitoon over there!!
    
    The drunk thinks abbout this offer for a little bit and then, figuring
    that this may be his only way to get a drink, agrees.
    
    He picks up the spitoon and starts to sip from it.  Well, he doesn't
    stop at one sip and continues drinking from the spitoon.  The patron
    who made the deal with the drunk starts to feel sick and tells the
    drunk to stop, he's earned his drink.
    
    Well the drunk just keeps drinking.  The patron tells the drunk to stop
    and says he'll buy him 5 drinks if he stops right now, but the drunk
    just keeps drinking.
    
    The patron then says STOP DAMMIT< YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK, I'll buy you a
    whole damned bottle, just stop already.
    
    Well the drunk just continues to drink until the spitoon is emptied,
    and then wipes his chin, belches and puts the spitoon down.
    
    The patron then inquires as to why the drunk wouldn't stop drinking,
    even at the offer of a bottle of whickey, to which the drunk replies:
    
    
    I couldn't, it was all one strand!!!!!!!!!
    
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    and i thought it was gonna be gross.............

    What do you make your wife mad when your making love??
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Phone Her!!!!!!!!!!
    
    
    yuk yuk yuk
    
    Nadeem
    
    p.s. What is a form feed in edt

>>    p.s. What is a form feed in edt

GOLD 13 GOLD KP3, to the best of my recollection (it's been ages).

j.

	I set the last joke hidden, as it was in extremely poor taste, in my
view as a moderator.

	I welcome another moderator to take a look a decide otherwise, if 
they wish..

	Jim M

Jim was absolutely right.  Remember, this topic has NOTHING to do with sports
anyway but we've tolerated it.  Also remember that the old JOKES notes file was
shut down with a flurry of personnel activity.  It's not worth risking this
file over a completely irrelevant topic.

Let's keep 'em clean and in good taste.

j.

>    'Saw (who hasn't been set hidden in a while)
    
    Every time I stand behind JD I'm "set hidden".
    
    Mark.

    A question for Pittsburghers:
    
    Why is 3 Rivers Stadium irrelevant???????????
    
    answer will follow someday.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    At first I was going to say because there are really FOUR rivers.  No
    sh!t.  There's a glacier that flows deep under the city--called the
    Wisconson river I think--and surfaces at The Point.  But that's not
    funny and seeing that this is the JOKES topic...
    
    What is it, JaKe?
    
    	--dan'l

 This guy comes home from work one night and he's really beat. When he
arrives at the door and his wife see him she say geez honey you look
really bushed. I know what you need, how about a nice juicy steak,
a baked potato, salad and a nice slice of pecan pie?

To which the husband replies sorry honey I'm really beat, let's eat at
home....

mike

From and article in the Gazzett Telegraph of Colorado Springs

By Mike Harder Scripps Houard News Service

    Time once again for the Second Anual Best of the Worst Country song
    Titles Ever.
    
    Since last we played this little game, more than 50 new songs havbe 
    been added to the list.
    
    So here's the new all-time list:
    
    - "If You Don't Believe I love You Just Ask My Wife"
    - "Timber, I'm Fallin In Love"
    - "You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving"
    - "It Only Rains on Me"
    - "Love Will Beat Your Brains Out"
    - "You Can Tell the Man Who Boozes(By the Company He Chooses)"
    - "You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith To"
    - "I think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past"
    - "She's Had All the Dream She Can Stand"
    - "Look What the Dog Drug In"
    - "Just Makin' Love don't Make It Love"
    - "Play Me or Trade Me"
    - "You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation"
    - "She Can't Get My Love off the Bed"
    - "Home Is Where the Hurt Is"
    - "I Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back Crying on My Pillow
       Over You"
    - "Sleeping Single in a Double Bed"
    - "The Pint of No Return"
    - "Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns"
    - "Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart"
    - "Don't Squeeze My Sharmon"
    - "The Wife of the Party"
    - "It Ain't Love bit It Ain't Bad"
    - "Would Jesus Wear a Rolex on His Television Show"
    - "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone"
    - "I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Labotomy"
    - "Don't Let That Doorknob Hit You"
    - "You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without"
    - "She Sure Makes Leaving Look Easy"
    - "This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck"
    - "You Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often"
    - "Walk Out Backwards Slowly so I'll Think You're Walking In"
    - "How Long Does It Take a Memory To Drown"
    - "I Forgot How Bad My Good Woman Could Be"
    - "Now I Lay Me Down To Cheat"
    - "You Stomped on My Heart(and Smashed That Sucker Flat)"
    - "You're Going to Love Yourself In the Morning"
    - "If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body (Would You Hold It Against Me)"
    - "Let Me Love the Leavin' from Your Mind"
    - "Somebody Shoot Out the Jukebox"
    - "My Legs Won't Walk Away From You"
    - "You Need Intensive Care"
    _ "You'd Make an Angel Want to Cheat"
    - "Take Me to Heaven(Before You Take Me Home)"
    - "What's a Fool Like Me Doing In a Love Like This"
    - "I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral"
    - "Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed"
    - "Between Lust and Watching TV"
    - "Jesus Is a Good Ole Boy"
    - "The Last Word In Lonesome Is Me"
    - "If You Can LIve With It(I Can Live Without it)"
    - "She Got the Gold Mine(I Got the Shaft)"
    - "Somebody Must Have Loved You Right Last Night"
    - "I Ain't Sharin' Sharon"
    - "Hell Stays Open All Night"
    - "If Fingerprints showed Up on Skin (Wonder Whose I'd Find on You)"
    - "She Gave Her Heart To Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World"
    - "I'd Be Better Off In a Pine Box"
    - "Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth (Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye)"
    

>>    A question for Pittsburghers:
    
>>    Why is 3 Rivers Stadium irrelevant???????????
    
>>    answer will follow someday.
    
    
    And now the answer.
    
    Because it's beside the Point!!!!!!
    
    
    
    
    regretfully
    
    JaKe
    

    re: .261
    
    They forgot "While my John Deere was breakin' the field your Dear John
    was breakin' my Heart."
    
    John

    From "Weird Wonders and Bizarre Blunders" by Brad Schreiber
    
    CRUELEST GUIDE DOG. Brutus, a former guide dog for the blind in South
    Bend, Ind., played vicious tricks on his unfortunate owners. He led
    blind people down flights of stairs, and guided three owners into open
    manholes in the street. In a case that went to court, Brutus was found
    guilty of manslaughter and put to sleep.
    
    LEAST NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST CEREAL. Candy Crunches is a British cold
    cereal that consists of marshmallow bits covered with icing and
    sprinkled with confectioners sugar. It has no vitamins or minerals
    whatsoever.
    
    WORST CIRCUS KNIFE THROWER. Canadian Rick Tyler of Calgary, Alberta
    nicked, cut or seriously injured 14 consecutive female assistants, one
    of whom angrily threw knives back at him. He can no longer find willing
    assistants and has retired.
    
    MOST DANGEROUS GOLFER.  Manny Neufeld, playing eighteen holes of golf
    in Riverside Calif., hit 14 spectators, two caddies, a chipmunk and a
    blue jay. His most spectacular shot sailed over a fence and shattered
    the windshield of a car on a nearby highway causing a six car pileup.
    An Insurance company paid Manny $10,000 to appear on a TV commercial. 

    > LEAST NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST CEREAL. Candy Crunches is a British cold
    > cereal that consists of marshmallow bits covered with icing and
    > sprinkled with confectioners sugar. It has no vitamins or minerals
    > whatsoever.
    
    But if one has it with juice, toast, and milk, does it become "part of
    a balanced breakfast"?  :-)
    
    
    py
       

And that from the folks that brought us Wheetabix....tsk, tsk....

8^)

    
    It's only Super Colon Blow for me! 

    > LEAST NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST CEREAL. Candy Crunches is a British cold
    > cereal that consists of marshmallow bits covered with icing and
    > sprinkled with confectioners sugar. It has no vitamins or minerals
    > whatsoever.                                                         

    I don't know that this invalidates the rest of the claims, but I
    can find no trace of there ever having existed, this brand of
    cereal. The word 'candy' is not even used in Britain. They use
    the word 'sweet'.
    
    However, Maybe this refers to a tackle made by Steve Mcmahon.
    (Small joke for Saw ! )

      
    A hunter from the great Nor'west appears before the judge with a
    game warden by his side.
    
    "Yer honor," says the warden, "I've arrested this man for shooting,
    and being in possession of, a California Condor."
    
    Judge: (to defendant) "Are you aware of the seriousness of these
    charges?  That there are estimated to be only 27 of these birds
    left in the entire world, and that you now face a $25,000 fine and
    possible imprisonment for up to 20 years?  What do you have to answer
    to these charges?"
     
    "Well, your honor, you see my wife just upped and left me last week
    with me now having six kids to take care of.  I haven't worked in
    almost two years since getting laid off by the lumber company. 
    We barely have a roof over our heads, and no money to buy food.
     Your honor, I only did it because my kids were starving, and I
    was desperate.  Please don't send me away!"
    
    Judge:  "Well...taking the circumstances into consideration, I hereby
    give you two years probation, and a $5.00 fine, with the stipulation
    that something like this will never happen again.  If agreed, then
    case dismissed!"
    
    Outside the courtroom, the defendant approaches the judge to thank
    him for his leniency.  The judge takes him aside and says, "Now,
    I'm a bit of a hunter myself, and I just want to ask you one question.
    Just what does a California Condor taste like anyhow?"
    
    "Well, yer honor," says the guy scratchin' his head, "it's kinda
    hard to describe.  I'd say it kinda tastes like a cross between
    a bald eagle and a whooping crane."
    
    Dickster
    

    Why is the Marion Barry video tape like the National League in the
    All-Star game?
    
    
    They both had two hits and didn't score.
    
    
    
    pete

    I heard this joke from a friend of mine which he told in order to get
    rid of some annoying girls that were sitting at the same table as our
    team the night before our season  opened.  I hope it doesn't offend
    anyone( skip it if you think you might be).
    
    
     A lady and five men get shipwrecked on a desert island.  After a while
    it becomes obvious that they won't be found anytime soon.  Well, being
    only human, one thing led to another, and the lady got to know the men
    better(in a Biblical sense).  The woman started  feeling guilty at how
    she had been living with these men, and she then hung herself.
      A week later, the men started to feel guilty about how they too had
    been living...................................
    
    
     then they buried her.
    
    
  Tom

    Thanks, I'd never heard that part before, definitely a good edition. 
    ?  How do you set the rest of the screen hidden + let the reader hit
    return to see the rest of the screen.  I heard that it was ^w but that
    didn't work on my last note.
    
    Thanks,  
    Tom
    

    
    CTRL V
    CTRL L
    
    LIKE THIS.
    
    Dickster
    

< Note 79.276 by MCIS1::DHAMEL "Gimme a warm woman and a cold beer" >
                                ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Of course, Dickster, if you'd been on that island, it would
be


Gimme that cold woman and pass me one of them warm beers!

ha!
    

RE: to country music song titles a ways back

"If You Don't Leave Me (I'll find someone who will)"

"How Can I Miss You (if you don't go away)"

;^) Bruce

    Anyone see the girl in "Total Recall" with 3 breasts?
    
    Mike

    Mario and Luigi work together.  One day Luigi asks Mario if he's
    working overtime today, to which Mario replies that he's not.
    Luigi asks Mario to stop by his house and tell his wife that he's
    working late and will be home by 9pm.
    
    Mario gets to Luigi's house and knocks on the door.  Rose, Luigi's wife
    answers the door and after Mario tells her that Luigi will be late,
    invites Mario in for a glass of home made wine.  After drinking the
    wine Rose asks him if he'd like another glass, Mario says yes, but only
    if he can pay her $10 for the glass of wine.  Rose says no and Mario
    once again says he'll only drink more wine if she'll accept payment for
    it.  Rose says,  "Oh well, I guess we can use the money."
    
    Mario has 5 glasses of $10 wine and says to Rose, "Hey Rose, how about
    I give you $25 you let me pat you on the butt??"
    Rose replies  "No way, What if Luigi finds out.
    Mario says, "Hey, I don't tell Luigi, you don't tell Luigi, Luigi won't
    find out."
    
    Rose once again figures they can use the money and agrees.
    
    Mario has 3 more $10 glasses of wine, two $25 ppats of Roses Butt and
    says:  "Rose, whaddya say I give you $200 and we go upstairs and get it
    on??"
    
    Rose says, "Oh No, what if Luigi finds out???"
    
    Mario replies, "I don't tell Luigi, You don't tell Luigi, Luigi don't
    find out."
    
    Rose again figures they can use the money and submits.
    
    After they finished, Mario payed her for the wine, the pats on the
    butt, and the time in bed.
    
    At 9 o'clock, Luigi returns home and asks Rose if Mario stopped by, to
    which Rose says yes.
    
    Luigi says,"That Mario, he's one helluva guy, I trust him with my life
    by the way
    
    Did he give you my pay!!!!!!"
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Great sports bumper sticker:
    
    Bo Knows Your Wife.

    
    
    	What does Marion Barry have in common with Marilyn Quayle?
    
    
    
    
    	They both like to blow a little dope.
    
    

    I heard that Marion Barry now wants to become mayor of Filthydelphia.
    
    Reason:
    
    he heard about the CRACK in the Liberty Bell!!!
    
    
    JaKe
    

    What did Kermit the Frog say when he heard Jim Henson had died?
    
    
    
    Nothing!

    
    I just had to put this in here...
    
From:	VINO::ARGUS::SIVA::CASEE::VNS "The VOGON News Service  25-Jul-1990 1114" 25-JUL-1990 08:01:24.81
To:	VNS-Distribution
CC:	
Subj:	VNS #2116

<><><><><><><><>  T h e   V O G O N   N e w s   S e r v i c e  <><><><><><><><>

   
[] Not in the olympics yet...
   A Spaniard has just won a nutcracking contest by cracking 30 walnuts between
   his buttocks in less than a minute. Hundreds of spectators watched Jose Luis
   Astoreka, 34, squat to victory in the first annual "nutcracking with the
   bottom championships" at the annual festival in the Basque village of
   Kortezubi, 199 miles from Madrid. Mr Astoreka cracked the walnuts laid out
   on the ground in two rows in 57 seconds. His brother, Juan Ramon, was second
   with a time of 1min 20 seconds. The brothers winning times have been
   attributed to "a peculiar physical characteristic which runs in the Astoreka
   family. {The Independent}


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
        Please send subscription and backissue requests to CASEE::VNS

    Permission to copy material from this VNS is granted (per DIGITAL PP&P)
    provided that the message header for the issue and credit lines for the
    VNS correspondent and original source are retained in the copy.

<><><><><><><><>   VNS Edition : 2116   Wednesday 25-Jul-1990   <><><><><><><><>

    
    Would that "peculiar physical characteristic" have anything to do
    with their also holding the world plate-stacking title?
    
    "Wow! Check out the plate-stackin' nut-bustin' butt on that dude!"
    
    Confucius say, "He who cracks nuts with butt has nuts in his butt
    crack."
    
    And if offered, *NEVER* accept a piece of pecan pie from these guys.
    
    Dickster
    

    Two (male) bikers were cruising down a country road when they encountered
    a pig entangled in a barbwire fence.  The pig was stuck in so that its
    rear end was facing the road with its legs stuck straight up in the air.
    
    One biker says to the other: "I wish that was Raquel Welch stuck in
    that fence with her legs stuck up in the air like that!"
 
    The other one says: "I wish that was Sophia Loren stuck in that fence
    with her legs stuck up in the air like that!"
    
    A few moments pass...
      

    and both bikers say: "I wish it was dark!"
    

    Could we, like, leave the bathroom humor where it belongs ???  Like in
    the bathroom, please ???  
    
    Hey, I like a good joke as much as the next person but let's try to
    keep it at least a little clean, okay ???
    
    Bob Hunt

    The good news is DEC is about to report a record yield in
    earnings.
    
    The bad news is Neil Bush compiled the figures us.
    
    BoB

    it's definitely after 5.  We're definitely not going to be watching
    Wapner today.
    
    Mike

    Remeber when this conference used to talk about SPORTS?

Paul, this conference *never* talked about sports.

It has served as a platform for individuals to try and impress
their will upon others by using complex rules of evidenciary
procedure, complex rules of logical discourse, statistics taken
out of context, sheer bullshit, and a smattering of smiley faces.

It has served as a platform to discuss music, books, politics,
morality, holidays, veterans, TV shows.

It has served as a platform for some people to try and play
Big Brother to other people.

It has served as a platform for some of the best junk noting
you'd ever want to see.

But, I truly in my heart of hearts wonder if it has ever, ever,
actually discussed Sports.

I think it really is a SportsBar...

'Saw

PS  (Take this with a grain of salt...)

As I've said several times, this note is treading on thin ice.  Off-color jokes
have gotten other moderators in VERY SERIOUS trouble.  Stick to sports-related
humor and keep it clean.

Failure to comply will be dealt with severely.

j.

    Aw shucks, I hate it when I get in here too late to see the
    "set hidden" notes!  :^(
    
    Claybone

    Being a "read only" person of the notes file for the last number
    of months I got great enjoyment from it. I eventually decided to
    participate further by entering a reply and i decided to choose
    this jokes topic as I had got numerous laughs from it in the past.
    To my amazement my first ever entry .292 was set hidden but on
    reflection I understood that maybe it was a little over the top.
    So then i decided that i would alter the joke so that it would still
    be hilarious but not in the "set hidden" category. Imagine my anger
    and disbelief when the updated version .296 was also set hidden.
    
    I am not trying to cause trouble but over the last few days I have
    read all the replies to this topic and found numerous entries that
    were far more offensive than either the updated or original version
    of the joke that I entered. It just baffles me.
    
    Anyway I have decided to revert back to reading only-so farwell
    all ye noters and keep up the good work.
    One last word for the moderator. I know you are only doing your
    duty but please try and be consistent re what replies remain and
    those that are set hidden.
    
    
    	       "LET THE PEOPLE LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!"

    Don't take it to heart, ::GRIMES.  We're going through a sensitive
    period here in ::SPORTS that seems to have hit a peak today.  Whatever
    your joke was, as you claim, no more over the top than previous ones,
    had it been entered say, 2 months ago, or maybe in another month,
    there'd probably be no problem.  Like I said, today's not a good day to
    be close to the edge........
    
    Hawk the philosopher  :-)

Fer sure, fer sure.

Actually, this sensitive period that we're going through is nothing
that a good old fashioned game of full contact football wouldn't
cure.  It'd probably deteriorate into a good old fashioned
donneybrook, but hey, afterwards we'd all be sucking down beers
through our busted teef, and fat lips.  And we'd be laughing.

Sometimes beating the crap outta someone, and having them beat
the crap outta you, makes friendships that last a long, long
time....

Oh well,
'Saw

Sorry, I didn't see your note as a rewrite of the first one.  Instead I saw
another poor taste joke which was very similar to the first.  And it looked
like a reaction to a request to not post notes of this type.  I'm sure if you
look back at the succession of notes from your first post, you'll see my point.

As for consistency, that's not the issue.  The issue is that this conference is
currently being closely scrutinized.  An off-color jokes topic is not going to
help the cause.  You can't just take notes out of context and claim that
moderation is inconsistent.  You have to consider the whole picture.

j.

Well I know we all enjoy a good joke now and then but it seems to me that
this note is our worst offender of Digital policy and should be write-locked.
After all how many times do you really hear a new joke? Chances are you've 
heard it before and it could always be passed along through mail....

I'm junkie too and don't want to loose this conference. I figure this is
one step in the right direction...

agree? disagree?

mike

>I'm junkie too and don't want to loose this conference. I figure this is
>one step in the right direction...
 
Mike, you may be old but I wouldn't say you were junkie.  

Thanks Karen...

ok Jeff....

and yes thanks much to all the moderators....

mike

re: .303

I'ld be grateful if someone would reconsider and set the joke about the
spittoon hidden.  NOW!!!!

Bill

    Let's stop the complaining .... I love wild jokes too, but all it takes
    is a heart-felt trip to personell, then the whole conference is down
    the electronic toliet - and then life would be a lot simpler right ?
    
    Because there would be nothing to complain about ....

 **************************C A U T I O N*************************************
    
    The following scenario is purely fiction.  Any similarities between
    this and actual persons or events is purely coincidental.  
    This is a joke, whole joke, nothing but a joke, no offense is intended
    upon anyone at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    
3 eskimos are sitting in a bar arguing over whose igloo is colder.
They decide that the only way to figure out the winner is to go to each igloo
and show why they think it's the coldest.  They get to the 1st guys place and
he turns the water faucet on and as the water hits the sink, it starts to
freeze.  They then go to the second igloo and the owner turns the water on and
it freezes before it hits the sink.  The third guy says that both of these
igloos are cold, but he thinks he has them beat.

They go to the third guys place and he takes them over to the bed, pulls back
the covers, revealing some little round brown balls.  He picks one of these
balls up and throws it into the fire and the next sound it


Pffffffffffffffffffffft



JaKe

 **************************C A U T I O N*************************************
    
    The following scenario is purely fiction.  Any similarities between
    this and actual persons or events is purely coincidental.  
    This is a joke, whole joke, nothing but a joke, no offense is intended
    upon anyone at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Plus, this is _obviously_ sports related...

    What do you get when you have:

        a double and a triple?
    	a first baseman's glove and a catcher's glove?
    	and Dolly Parton?
    

















    TWO BIG HITS, TWO BIG MITS, AND A COUNTRY & WESTERN SINGER


Bill

    definition of an (sports) expert:
    
    ex = has been
    spert = drip under pressure
    
    or
    
    a has been drip under pressure.

    A man walks into a bar with his dog.  He says to the bartender, "Do you
    mind if my dog watches the game in here with us?  He's a big Phoenix
    Cardinals fan!"  The bartender said, "Okay, but if he starts acting up,
    you're outta here."
    
    Just then the screen showed the kickoff and the dog starts barking and
    running around the bar.  The bartender kicks them out.
    
    They go to another bar down the street.  The guys says once again, "Do you
    mind if my dog watches the game in here with us?  He's a big Phoenix
    Cardinals fan!"  The bartender said, "Sure!  C'mon in!"  Just then the
    Phoenix Cardinals kick a field goal and the dog starts running around
    and licking everyone's face.
    
    The bartender says, "WOW!  That dog really is a fan!  What does he do
    when they score a touchdown?"  The guy says, "I don't know,
    
    I've only had him 2 years!" 

    A man walks into a bar with his dog.  He says to the bartender, "Do you
    mind if my dog watches the game in here with us?  He's a big New England
    Patriots fan!"  The bartender said, "Okay, but if he starts acting up,
    you're outta here."
    
    Just then the screen showed the kickoff and the dog starts barking and
    running around the bar.  The bartender kicks them out.
    
    They go to another bar down the street.  The guys says once again, "Do you
    mind if my dog watches the game in here with us?  He's a big New England
    Patriots fan!"  The bartender said, "Sure!  C'mon in!"  Just then the
    New England Patriots kick a field goal and the dog starts running around
    and licking everyone's face.
    
    The bartender says, "WOW!  That dog really is a fan!  What does he do
    when they score a touchdown?"  The guy says, "I don't know,
    I've only had him 2 years!" 

Sometimes we who are capable of vastly original thought and marvellous
creativity, have to go back and make minor corrections in the works
of others.

While the original was quite good, the retouched version, somewhat
akin to a Playboy Centerfold, was a *masterpiece*......

Sign me,
Rembrandt

    Dear Rembrandt,
    
    since your so good at going back and making minor correctins in the
    works of others, where do I send this seven chapter course guide on
    ALL-IN-1 Phase II Integration for you to finish?
    
    Think you can be done by Sept. 14?
    
    	--dan'l

>    ... where do I send this seven chapter course guide on
>    ALL-IN-1 Phase II Integration 

	1. The Toilet
	2. The Trashcan
	3. Reading, England.

TTom

Dear Mr ALL-IN-1 Guru:

While I tend to agree with the three places listed in the 
previous reply, I would be glad to have my staff look at
it.

At this point in time, Messrs. Da Vinci, Van Gogh, and Hemingway
are free from any project work.  I would be glad to pass the
document on to them.

However, if you'd feel more comfortable waiting another week,
I could have Mr. Picasso take a look at it for you.

Most sincerely,
Rembrandt

    Two golfers are paired together for a weekend round and find themselves
    stuck behind two women who are playing particularly slowly.
    
    The first guy agrees to ask the women whether they can play through. 
    He starts walking towards the women and suddenly does an about turn and
    hurries back to his partner.
    
    "That's my wife up ahead, but she's playing with my mistress." said the
    first golfer as he returned.
    
    "I'll go" offered the second.
    
    As the second golfer gets halfway to the women, he too does an about face
    and heads back to his partner.  He pulls up his collar and shakes his
    head, and says,
    
    "Damn, it's a small world!!"

Some one just left this on my desk:

			WANTED

	Woman to cook and clean fish, dig worms and make lures.
	Must have good boat and motor. Please enclose picture of
	boat and motor.

TTom

    How can you tell the person changing a flat tire is a 
    field service tech?
    
     He's swapping tires to see which one's flat.

    That's an old one ...
    
    I've heard a different punch line over the years, too.
    
    - How does a Field Service engineer change a flat tire ???
    
    	He changes 'em all to make sure he's got the right one.
    
    Here's another ...
    
    - How many Software Services specialists does it take to screw in a
      light bulb ???
    
    
    
    	None, that's a *hardware* problem.
    
    Bob Hunt

Yeah, and none of them do it with bottled water anymore either....

    Re: -1
    
    I can't believe that!  They took our water away yesterday ;-(

    Mike H., haven't you figured-out yet that the taking away of all the
    bottled water in our facilities is in support of the war effort?  C'mon
    now, I thought you was a technoweenie too!  :-)
    
    Hawk

    
    Mail me some bottled water.
    

    Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?
    
    
    
    
    Because it's filled with Iraqi seamen!

Giving up bottled water will save this company!


Just like sending Jim Bakker lots of $$$ will save your soul!

Amen, Hallalujah!

    Saw, send me mail on that Bakker stuff.  Make sure it's got $$$
    in it.  In return, I'll take care of all your mail to Dinz.
    
    Lee

    dinz send karl malone mail
    
    leE the sports.note mailman
    

Lee, I'll send you mail and include $$$ and you can mail it to
Dinz.  Just don't handle my mail.

I'll explain.

Hawk, send /Don mail on Lee sending my mail to Dinz, and someone
send Joe Turbo OuttaControl mail to find out where he is...

'Saw

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Three strikes and you're out
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
 
 
  A newlywed couple who were both avid basebal fans attended a game at
Sox park. They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging
and kissing so much that they weren't able to follow the game.
  After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says, "I've got an idea,
honey"..... 


	"You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the balls."

--
  Back in the 1960's in Chicago there was a radio station (WLS?) with a 
very popular disk jockey named Dick Biondi who told this joke on the air 
and got fired for it the very same day.

Hawk, I'll value your mail, but not if it has to do with bottled water.
Send me mail and I'll explain about not handling my mail.


Also, I believe the Soupy Sales earned himself a suspension for telling
a variation of that joke on the air.....

Send Lee mail to explain it all to him, but include $$$.


'Saw

    Last night my and the wife had "Rodeo Sex"
    
    That's where we start doing it "doggie style", then I yell out
    
    "Whoopie, this is just the way my girlfriend likes to do it!!!"
    
    Then I try to hang on for 10 seconds.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    haaaaaaaaaaaa jake.. im rooling..
    
    

   Thanks Stephen.

   Haven't seen anything from him in a couple of years, although I hear
   he's got something on HBO now.

   He has the most outrageous mind.  That and the deadpan delivery never
   fail to crack me up. Last time I saw him I laughed so hard I blew my
   burgers and Buds all over a wino.

   Mike JN

    All the material in .343 is from his new HBO special.
    
    His best car joke though is this:
    
    I was driving and a cop pulled me over for speeding.
    
    He said, "Did you know the speed limit is only 55 miles per hour?"
    
    I said, "Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."
    
    	--dan'l

Dan'l,

I'm surprised you can still tell jokes after the BurgherHeads performance
last night ;-)

TTom

     Do you know why Montana ranch-hands wear Levi's 501 buttonfly jeans?


	    Because the sound of a zipper will stampede the sheep.

Found this one in the Golf conference
    
    JaKe
    
    
    
    
                 <<< MSEE::USER$1:[NOTES$LIBRARY]GOLF.NOTE;2 >>>
                      -< The TRUE Head Game... ;-)...:-{ >-
================================================================================
Note 2.77                          Golf jokes                           77 of 77
DNEAST::STEVENS_JIM                                  15 lines   7-SEP-1990 13:13
                       -< I can wait for this course... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple, who had been playing golf together everyday of their 50 year
marriage, suddenly died together in an auto accident.

When they got to heaven, St. Peter was showing them around. "Here
is your condo on the course, outside is a golf cart at your disposal
with a wet bar and cd player.  In back are custom made clubs with
a supply of balls and tees.  If you lose them new ones will appear.
You can play our courses day or night as much as you desire...."

After the whole spiel the husband turns to the wife and says
"I could have been here 20 years ago if you hadn't been forcing those 
damned oat bran muffins on me".

    Saw this one in Reader's Digest:
    
    
    A guy goes into a bar with his dog.  The bartender didn't like it,
    but the customer explained that the dog would behave, and they just
    wanted to have a brew while watching the footbal game.  The bartender
    reluctantly says okay.
    
    The dog just sits there, no barking, nothing, when suddenly the
    Dallas Cowboys kick a field goal.  The dog starts barking, running
    around, jumping up on tables.  Finally the customer gets him calmed
    down.  The bartender says, "Geez, if he gets that excited over a
    FG, what does he do when the Cowboys score a TD?"
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    The customer says, "I don't know, I've only owned him 2 years."
     
    :*)
    
    
    Lee

       That's similar the ame one I once heard lEe, but it went:
    what does he do when the Cowboys win a big game?
    "I don't know, I've only had him for 13 years!"
                                              Denny

    Your joke is funny, hopefully you used Dallas as an example because you
    dislike the team and not because you want to demonstrate your grasp on
    NFL stats.  Actually it's the Steelers that have not scored a TD this
    year.
    
    John "D Cowboys" R.

    
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    John, I'm not a fan of the Cowboys.  But, that was the team mentioned
    in the Digest joke.  I didn't quote the joke, but I did use the
    same storyline and team name.
    
    If I wanted to demonstrate my grasp on NFL stats, I would have checked
    the record, then verified it with John Hendry.  You see, I don't
    do stats, football or otherwise.  But, I DO know a lousy team when
    I see one.
    
    Lee

    Re: 79.353
    
    I agree that the Cowboys are several years from being a contenda, and
    are currently "a lousy team" as you so eloquently put it, but it takes
    time to rebuild a team that grew old and never accepted that fact. I do
    not anticipate good things from the 'Boys until 1992, hopefully the
    jokes will be about some other team.
    
    John "D Cowboys" R.

    John, the Cowboys aren't the only team which can be defined as lousy.
    
    My own Patriots just might be worse!
    
    Anyway, stick with your team.  That's what being a fan is about.
    But don't ask Dinz to explain it to you!!  :*)
    
    Lee

    
    been a giant fan since 1963.... lee, thats  allegiance i think
    
    
    
    dinz
    

    >>>       <<< Note 79.356 by COBRA::DINSMORE "Rodney Hampton...ROY" >>>
    >>>been a giant fan since 1963..
                ^
                |
                |
    Yeh, Glen Johnson told me you don't miss many meals. 
    
    

    Actually i  am  a lean mean machine.. :)
    
    
    dinz
    

    re: -1
    
    the world according to dinz! 
    
    (How 'bout those Sox?)

    what about them sox?  I wash them every weekend :)
    

    Really?  Coulda fooled me!
    :-)

    re: .358
    
    	I tried to tell him that Dinz, but you know how those Ram...er
    I mean, Lamb(tm) fans are. :-)
    
    						 glen j. 

    What do Ray Charles and Bernie Kosar have in common?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Neither one will ever see a Super Bowl.
    
    
    	--dan'l

    Rollward Dan'l, Rollward!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

		How many Dead Heads does it take to change
		a light bulb?
    
		200,021.
    
			One to change it...
    
			20 to tape it...
    
			and 200,000 to follow it around
					after it's burned out.

		

                  	>and 200,000 to follow it around
			>		after it's burned out.

Who's burned out???

    Baseball!  What a game!  Did you know it is even refered to in the
    Bible?  It goes something like this;
    
    In the big inning...........
    
    BoB

BoB --

Gee, while it's not strictly sports related, the Bible also
contains the first recorded mention of the Properties of Elasticity...
It was:

		"Jacob tied his ass to a tree and walked a mile"

Gee, Mr Science....

    How about the oldest car as recorded in the Bible?
    
    "They were gathered in one Accord."

    
by 
DAVE BARRY
	October is almost here, sports fans, and you know what that means:
It means two-thirds of the National Football League has already been
sidelined with knee injuries. But it also means that we're entering the
pulse-pounding final weeks of the current baseball season, which began,
according to my calculations, in 1987.
	And what a season it has been! The big highlight, of course, was
George Steinbrenner receiving a lifetime suspension from the game for
invading Kuwait. Also there have been a number of ``no-hitters,'' a very
exciting brand of baseball action wherein one of the teams never even
THREATENS to win. One of these was pitched by the phenomenal Nolan Ryan,
who, at 67 years old, continues to rack up victories, because the
umpires feel sorry for him.
	UMPIRE: Strike one!
	BATTER: Wait a minute! He didn't even PITCH it yet!
	UMPIRE: Strike three!
	Yes, these are the things that make baseball a fundamental American
institution, like call waiting and NutraSweet. My own fond baseball
memories date back to when I was a youngster in Little League, and huge
mutant opposition youngsters would pitch baseballs into my left kidney
at an estimated 425 miles per hour. Back then I formed a feeling for the
game that persists today, especially when I make sudden movements, and
as a father I've done my best to pass ``baseball fever'' along to my
son.
	``Hey, Robby!'' I'll say, just as sports-loving American dads have
said to their youngsters for generations. ``Let's play the `Bases
Loaded' baseball game on the Nintendo!'' Robby enjoys this, because it
gives him an opportunity to pick up some ``pointers'' from his old man:
	ME: What's the score?
	ROBBY: I have 157 and you have 3.
	ME: Shut up.
	Yes, baseball brings out powerful emotions, as you know if you saw
the deeply moving picture ``Field of Dreams,'' which tells the
heartwarming story of a man, played by Kevin Costner, who receives
instructions from corn. One day the corn tells him to build a baseball
field next to his house, so naturally he does. (It could have been
worse: A really malevolent vegetable, such as zucchini, would have told
him to build a nuclear reactor.)
	Watching this movie, especially the emotion-packed ending, I had
tears in my eyes as I thought to myself: ``How come my wife never looks
at me the way she looks at Kevin Costner?'' I'm not saying she doesn't
love me: I'm just saying that her eyes have more of a laser quality when
they're zeroing in on Kevin Costner, and I say it's unfair. I mean, when
she gets a close look at him, it's always from a very flattering camera
angle, plus he has just had his hair done and his makeup applied and his
teeth capped and his jeans shrunk; whereas when she gets a close look at
me, it's in a less impressive situation, such as I'm checking to see
whether I can still make comical noises with my armpit. I think we need
a federal law requiring that whenever a known hunk appears in a movie,
there has to be some detail designed to make him, in some subtle way,
less attractive.
	MOVIE ACTRESS: Let's take off most of our clothes and enact a
passionate love scene.
	KEVIN COSTNER: OK, but first take a look at this nostril zit.
	- - -
	NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Our starting columnist has gotten himself
mired in a severe digression here, so in an effort to finish this column
on the original topic, we're going to bring in a relief columnist.
	- - -
	Baseball. It's often called ``a game of inches,'' and for good
reason: Sports fans would get angry if you came right out and called it
``a game where guys getting paid millions of dollars stand around doing
absolutely nothing for minutes on end except spit.'' The reason for
this, of course, is: Strategy. As you know if you listen to expert
droning baseball analysts on TV, more strategic thought goes into ONE
SINGLE PITCH than into the entire U.S. foreign policy:
	BROADCAST ANALYST: In this situation, Garcia might throw the curve,
although Edwards could be LOOKING for the curve, so Garcia might come
with the slider, unless of course he thinks that Edwards THINKS he's
going with the slider, in which case he might go with the FASTBALL,
although for that VERY REASON he might decide to go with the original
curve, although as I said earlier Edwards might be LOOKING for the
curve, so Garcia might come with the ...
	PLAY-BY-PLAY MAN: Bob, the game ended 45 minutes ago.
	BROADCAST ANALYST: Hey, there's drool on my microphone.
 
	(C) 1990 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.

    Dave Barry is getting wackier by the day!  Can you imagine him 
    together with the cast of Monty Python?  The world would have no use
    for drugs!  :-)
    
    Hawk

>     <<< Note 79.368 by CAM::WAY "Beaten like a redheaded stepchild..." >>>

>BoB --

>Gee, while it's not strictly sports related, the Bible also
>contains the first recorded mention of the Properties of Elasticity...
>It was:

>		"Jacob tied his ass to a tree and walked a mile"

>Gee, Mr Science....
 
    
    That was one of the roughest walks I ever took!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    
    
>		"Jacob tied his ass to a tree and walked a mile"
    
    
    Isn't that how J.R. Reid got his plate-stackable butt??? :-)
    
    JimH
    

Hey guys, Educate me - from that Dave Barry article - I know what Nutra Sweet
is but what the hail is "call waiting"?

HTH
    
rick ellis

    Rick,
    
    "Call waiting" is a feature you can order from your phone company.
    When you line is in use, and someone else calls, they don't get
    a busy signal, and whoever is on your phone gets a beep which indicates
    that another call in on your line.  You can then put the original
    call on hold by hanging up, which then allows you to answer the
    second call.  When you hang up the second one, you are connected
    back to the first call.
    
    Definitely a necessity when 3 kids live at your home.  :*)
    
    Lee
    

    I don't have call waiting, but what I hate the most about it is, when
    talking to someone who does have it, and they get another call, I hate
    having my conversation disrupted.  What's even worse, is more often
    than not, the person I'm talking to usually gets back to me and says
    that they gotta hang up, that the other call is more important. 
    Actually, I don't really care, because I hate telephones in general,
    and I use them as little as possible........
    
    Hawk

Thanks, Lee


Me too, Hawk, I hate the phone - seems sort of impersonal.

That "call waiting" sucker sounds like a nightmare.  Geesh, talk about 
finding ways to create more stress.....

I'm waiting for a phone where I can *see* who is calling me before I answer
or at least the person's number.  That way if it's some smart young lady I
take it; if it's an old flame I don't

rick ellis

Actually, I kind of like call waiting and some of the other
features which are available now.

I can forward my phone to some place I'm going to be.  I can
also get a three way conference call going -- which is handy
when I'm trying to make plans or something....

I can disable call waiting (meaning anyone who calls gets
a busy signal) on a call by call basis.....


A bonafide Phone Phreak...
'Saw

    > A bonafide Phone Phreak.
    
    'Saw, you ain't just whistlin' Dixie here.  When I was at your place,
    you must've gotten/made a half dozen calls an hour!  Good thing I
    brought my MASH alcohol IV set-up......  :-)
    
    Hawk

    Rick,
    
    Now your talking about ISDN!!  Imagine this scenario...
    
    You make a phone call and the person who answers says
    	"Hello, Mr. Ellis, how can I help you?"
    
    This is being used by mail-order companies, etc.  ISDN enables the
    call recipient to trace the call as it comes in.  By the time the
    person has answered your call, they know your name, where you live,
    what your credit rating is, what your buying habits are, everything!!!
    
    
    The civil liberties people will have a field day!!!
    
    And its all due to techno-weenies like you, me and evryone else in this
    company!!!
    
    
    PJ
    
    BTW, did you know that when you go to a supermarket that uses a
    bar-code reader and you pay with a credit card or cheque, all your
    purchase information is collected by the bank and sold to marketing
    companies??  So now even your bank manager knows that you eat bake
    beans and buy dirty mags!!!

Hawk --

Yeah, I do get my share of phone calls.  But it usually goes in
cycles.  I can sit there for nights on end like a Maytag repairman
with a silent phone.

But, let someone come over, and the phone won't stop ringin'....


Actually, caller id (even just the number) would be cool for me,
because then I could screen my calls, and no undesirables (like
Charles Manson for instance) would get through to me, just
my answering machine...

What would be even better would be id for those telemarketers.
I had a good conversation with one the other night:


	Tm:  Good evening, Mr. Way, I'm Rick from Reader Services.
	     How are you this evening?

	Me:  Not interested....(click)


'Saw

    I let some lawn chemical company talk to me for over 10 minutes last
    month about their great deal.  
    
    "Yes sir, Mr. Meddrif, we'll come treat your yard absolutely free and
    then just listen to what we have to offer you after that...blah, blah,
    blah."
    
    I was so tempted to schedule with them, but finally I gave in: "I live in
    a f_____g condo you a__hole!  I don't even have a f_____g lawn!."
    
    And you should have heard what I had to say to the census people after
    I filled out my questionaire and they still came by two nights in a row
    and then called me twice.  The last call really got an earful for my
    tax dollars.
    
    	--dan'l

    
    Phone solicitations are the reason I broke down and bought an answering
    machine.  The greeting goes: "Hello, if you're a salesman, hang up now.
    Anyone else may leave a message after the beep."
    
    Most people who call regularly know we are usually within earshot
    screening our calls, and don't seem to mind.
    
    Dickster
    

Toughest phone solicitation was the lady from Time-Life Books, the
particular series being "the *Unexplained*"....

I could not get rid of her.  Finally, I put the speaker on, and watched
TV for the 10 minutes it took her to go through the speech.  Then,
I said "Yes", and waited for the book to come in the mail.  Then,
I wrote on it "Return to Sender - Refused", and figured I'd cost them
some money...

That lady was some tough!

'Saw

My line for magazine or newpaper (the friggin Manchester Union 
Leader is always calling me to subscribe to that rag) 
solicitations:

"I'm sorry, I'm blind."

Seems to work well....

daryll

Back to ISDN and Some of the nifty features. 

NO MORE CABLE NETWORKS

good news is that you cain sign up monthly for HBO, CNN, ESPN...


Bad news pay per View "Football" will be very real. 

ISDN will make the Home shopping network link between your phone, your Bank and 
your TV ("Hey lady do you want to see that tractor in GREEN"). This will make 
Sears, Target, Spags available from home. 

Jeff

    You guys are too easy!  I give them a "No, I'm not interested" twice. 
    If they still persist after that, they get the dial tone!
    
    Mike

Mike, I literally could not get a word in edgewise on this woman....
I would have hung up on her, but I had another connection on at the
time (just my brother, who'll either hold or hang up depending on his
mood) and I would have blown both if I'd hung up.

I suppose I should have just put her on hold...that might have been
interesting, but somewhere along the line I decided I'd cost Time-Life
some postage for interrupting my evening...

'Saw

    Wife to husband:  "Honey, if I died, and you got remarried, would
    			you live in this house?"

    Husband:  "Well, I doubt I'd ever find someone to replace you, but,
    		yes, I guess I would.  The mortgage is paid."
    
    Wife:     "Yes, I suppose so.  Well, would you give your new wife my
	       car?"

    Husband:  "Well, as I said, I doubt I'd ever find someone who could
	        replace you, but, yes, I guess I would.  It's all paid
                for."
    
    Wife:     "Yes, I guess I can understand that, too.  Well, would
    		you give your new wife my golf clubs?"

    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Husband:  "Oh, no, honey, she's left-handed."

    
    Lee

    2 elderly ladies are siting on the porch in thier rockers just
    talking 'girl' talk. Let's listen in.
    
    Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time
          how many years was that anyway?
    
    Matilda:  Oh we were married for 65 wondorous years.
    
    Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my but can you tell me in all that time did you
          two ever have mutual orgasm?
    
    Matilda: Oh my no. I believe we had State Farm.
    
    BoB

Clarence Kay was traded to the Chicago Bears.

































Ditka needed a coke machine next to the fridge

    
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

How does a Control L work with DECwindows Notes ?

    RE: .394
    
         I don't get it.  Is that some sort of post-modernist joke?

    OK SPORTS noters, we're going to play this like Johnny Carson's Tarmack
    the Magnificent.  Let's practice one first.
    
    
    The answer:
    
    
    Gumbo
    
    
    The question:
    
    
    
    
    What will John Derrick do when he loses all his teeth?
    
    
    
    
    OK, here goes the SPORTS-related one...
    
    The answer:
    
    Igwebweke
    
    The question:
    
    
    
    
    How do you say "Wig Kbwe" in Pig Latin?
    
    

    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    For you ex-frat boys:
    
    	Why do sorority girls wear underwear?
    
    
    
    
    	To keep their ankles warm!
    
    

    WHAT?  EXPLOITATION EXISTS IN OUR COUNTRY'S FINE EDUCATIONAL
    INSTITUTIONS?

    Give a man a fish and he's fed for a day
    Teach a man to fish and
    He'll be gone every weekend.
    
    also
    
    There used to be two classes, the "haves" and the "have nots".
    Now, there are three classes, the "haves", the "have nots" and
    
    the "have not yet paid for what they have".
    
    
    JaKe
    

    It has been said that the dog is man's best friend.
    To that I say "BULL$H!T!!!!"
    
    Reasoning:  When was the last time one of your friends crouched down
    and took a dump on your living room carpet??????
    
    Think about it!!
    
    JaKe
    

a joke from switzerland

an american, a french and a swiss guy are braging about who has the biggest 
King Kong. 

The french says: bien, our King Kong has one foot on the right side of the
Eiffel tower and the otherone on the left side of the tower, and the tip
of the tower is far away of his backside.

The american says: well, not bad, but our King Kong has one foot in the U.S.
and the otherone in Europe and he holds a planet in each hand.

The swiss asks: aren't those two planets warm? 

the american: yup, they're warm. how did you know?

The swiss: well they're the balls of our King Kong...

Hugo who

    The difference between Heaven and Hell ...
    
    In Heaven ...
    
    		The British are the police,
    		The French are the cooks,
    		The Swiss are the administrators,
    		The Italians are the lovers, and
    		The Germans are the mechanics.
    
    
    
    In Hell ...
    
    		The British are the cooks,
    		The French are the administrators,
    		The Swiss are the lovers,
    		The Italians are the mechanics, and
    		The Germans are the police.
    
    Bob Hunt

Where does Virgin Wool come from?

Ugly sheep!

    Here's a few p_names seen in other conferences that had me rolling.
    When I saw the last one, I just had to put it in here......
    
    
    
    		I feel better than James Brown!
    
    
    
    		I'm 51% Pussycat, 49% Bitch- Don't Push It!
    
    
    
    		This is your brain on Don Henley!
    
    Hawk

    The first one's from a new song by Was Not Was, I think.  I don't get
    the last one at all, though.  Someone 'splain?
    
    Dan

    I like this one, from RADIO_RADIO -
    
    XXXX::XXXXX "<---I'm with stupid"  

    Speaking of jokes...
    
    REK and I were laughing over the new Elvis notes conference this
    morning.  Rumor has it that Elvis is actually the moderator ;-)
    
    Mike

      Mike, I'm still laughing so hard....
    
    REK
    
    I saw Elvis on the net!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

    
    	.406
    
    	'tis the title of a song by Mojo Nixon, and (the epitome of Cooool)
    	Skip Roper.
    
    	Their latest is "Destroy all Lawyers!"
    
    					Jim

    "Don Henley Must Die!"
    
    Mark.

    
    	(I digress) Vintage Mojo titles:
    
    	"Debbie Gibson is pregnant with my two-headed love child"
        "Burn down the malls"
    	"Louisanna Lip-Lock" (think about that one!)
    	"Vibrator Dependent"
    	
    	And finally!

       
    	"Elvis is everywhere"
    	"(619)239-KING" (A **REAL** number, I believe.  Call the KING)
    
    					Jim
    
    	

    
    	Feel free to modify this joke to whichever team you
    	like to razz.  Since my Buffs will more than likely
    	be playing ND in the Orange Bowl, I'll use ND.
    
    
	Did ya hear that Rocket ain't gonna be able to play
    	in the Orange Bowl?  It seems he's failing math.  He
    	goes in to see ole Lou who tells him that they will
    	let him play if he can answer a math question in front
    	of the student body at the big pep rally.  Rocket gets
    	introduced, at the pep rally, and he runs out to midfield
    	where Lou is waiting.  A hush falls over the crowd.  Lou
    	asks Rocket what the square root of 16 is.  Rocket thinks
    	a while and finally blurts out "Four!"  The student body
    	then starts chanting, "Let him play anyway!  Let him play
    	anyway!"  ;^)
    
    	Claybroon

A little boy arrives at school all beat up

teacher says "who did this to you" 

"My daddy" the boy responds

Teacher "well I'll call your Mother"

Boy "she beats me too"

Teacher" well then we will send you to Dan Reeves everybody know he can't beat
anybody"...

	An avid golfer had just finished 18 on a very hot day.  He decided
	what he really needed to cool off was a big glass of iced tea, so
	he pulled his CRX into a drive-in and asked for the tea.  When
	the waitress brought the tea, he reached into his pocket for some
	change.  He brought out a handfull of coins, and two golf tees.
	The gal asked, "What are those?"  He responded, "They're tees.  I
	rest my balls on them when I'm driving."  The girl replies,


		"Boy, those Honda people think of everything!"

    The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering
    metal imbedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, 
    at the apex of a curve. 
 
    The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a 
    car.  The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. 
    
    The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had
    happened. 
 
    It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet 
    Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give
    heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from 
    short airfields.  He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, 
    and found a long, straight stretch of road.  Then he attached the JATO 
    unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! 
 
    Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 
    300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve.... 
    The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to 
    slow the car.
 
    NOTE:
 
    Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at 
    full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone. 

    I know I'm a sicko but I'm rolling ...
    
    Bob Hunt

    
    Cripes, if that doesn't sound like Wile E. Coyote with his Acme home
    rocket booster, I don't know what does.  If only Evil Knevel had that
    baby when he tried to jump the Snake River Canyon...
    

    
>>    Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at 
>>    full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone. 

    Sort of like Dr. Midwife's mouth, Eh?????
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Ha ha ha, "Wile E. Coyote with his Acme home rocket booster"...
    
    Great analogy there, Dickster!!!111   :*)
    
    Lee

    I like JaKe's Dr. Midwife analogy better!  :-)
    
    Hawk

Think an airbag would've helped?

    Just think if he woulda fell out of the car. They'd still be looking
    for parts.

>    Just think if he woulda fell out of the car. They'd still be looking
>    for parts.
    
    ...or tried to jump out.  It still cracks me up when I read it :-)

    You'd think the buffoon would have gone to the Mohave Desert to
    try it out. I bet the dude experienced projectile defecation once
    he got going. Aha,the cops were wrong! There were skid marks!
    
    
    
    ML
    

>From "Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases"
selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen.
 
*****************************************************************************
**
Counsel: And you are involved I take it in both aspects of pathology
	 here in your practice?
 
Witness: Yes.  I am certified in both.
 
Counsel: Directing your attention to the 6th of November 1976, in the
	 evening hours, do you recall being up at Rose Chapel in Paradise?
 
Witness: Yes.
 
Counsel: Do you recall examining a person by the name of Rodney Edgington
	 at the funeral chapel?
 
Witness: Yes.
 
Counsel: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
	 Mr. Edgington at the Rose Chapel?
 
Witness: It was in the evening.  The autopsy started at about 8:30 P.M.
 
Counsel: And Mr. Edgington was dead at that time, is that correct?
 
Witness: No, you dumb asshole.  He was sitting on the table wondering why
	 I was doing an autopsy.
 
*****************************************************************************
**
 
D.A.:	 What is the meaning of sperm being present?
 
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
 
D.A.:	 Male sperm?
 
Witness: That is the only kind I know.
 
*****************************************************************************
**
 
Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
 
*****************************************************************************
**
 
Defense Counsel: So if I hit the prosecutor at this very moment and he fell
	 over the back of this railing, hit his head and a subdural hematoma
	 immediately began to form, the blood that was leaking into the space
	 would have essentially the same components as the blood leaking
	 into his teeny little brain?
 
*****************************************************************************
**
 
The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the
	   psychologist for the performance of an IQ test.  The court
	   does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me
	   that he is dumber than a fencepost.
 
Counsel:   Has the court stated it in numerical terms?
 
The Court: His IQ is less than zero.
 
*****************************************************************************
**
 
Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?
 
Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with
	 flame analyzation detectors.
 
The Court: Can you get that on mag wheels?
 
Witness: Only on the floor models.
 
*****************************************************************************
**
 
Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is
	 a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling.
 
Witness: Yes.
 
Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did
	 find some cracking.
 
Witness: No.  Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court
	 just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions.
	 So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is
	 going to find a crack somewhere.
 
The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't.
 
Counsel: Move to strike --
 
The Court: No.  We are not going to strike it.
 
Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.
 
The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken?  It is worth the
	 whole trial.
 
*****************************************************************************
**
 
Defense counsel: The truth of the matter is that you are not an unbiased,
	 objective witness, isn't it?  You too were shot in the fracas?
 
Witness: No, sir.  I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
 

Stellar  stuff  Michael !!

I'm rollin'

Mike JN

    oh sure Mac, go ahead and take all the fun out of it! ;-)

    re Wil-e The Rocket Man
    
    Did the guy live or die ??? .427 mas it sound like he lived ....

    Man,if he survived, it's only as protoplasm.
    
    ML
     

    
    Did they ever recover the "Black Box" that recorded his last words?
    
    "SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII....(dead air)
    

    [forwardings removed...]
    Subj:   Cost savings for DEC of the 1990's

		***** NEEDS IMMEDIATE ATTENTION *****

The following decisions have been made based on extensive meetings and
discussions with chief corporate executives.

1) Over the next few weeks, all phones will be removed from individual
   offices. If you wish to make calls, use the pay phones which will
   be installed in each main lobby. You can request reimbursement for
   business-related calls by completing the appropriate expense voucher
   -- itemizing each call with the date, time, duration, party called,
   conversation summary, and business purpose.

2) It has come to our attention that most one-person offices contain a
   minimum of 2 chairs. We believe this is not only a waste of resources
   but encourages unnecessary personal contact. Our goal this quarter is to
   eliminate extra chairs and make our workers more productive professionals.
   Some groups have already initiated the SQUIRT strategy: If anyone comes
   into their office for a reason that is not business or revenue-producing,
   it is permissible to squirt the offender with a water pistol. Check with
   your site training manager for the time and location of the ONLY training
   approved for this quarter: EW290DW -- "Effective Interpersonal Water
   Delivery in a Lair Environment".

3) Effective immediately, all hot water used in restrooms and at kitchen
   islands throughout the facilities will be turned off. Studies have shown
   there is NO evidence of an increase in illness when hands are washed
   using cold water. It has also been found that cold water stimulates the
   brain -- an obvious health/business benefit.

4) All copy machines will be located in locked rooms. Those employees with
   appropriate job titles will be issued "keycards" which can be used to
   access the copy machines. The keycard will be encoded with the employee's
   cost center, badge number, and copy-maximum number. A committee has been
   appointed to determine the copy-maximum number for each job title. Once
   the limit has been reached, the card becomes inactive and a report will be
   sent to the employee's cost center manager. This restricting and monitoring
   of the use of copy machines is estimated to save the company $1,000,000
   each month!

5) There is substantial evidence that the majority of the people working
   past 9 pm are nonconforming, innovative, engineering types whose 'best
   inspirations' come to them between the hours of 9 pm and 5 am. Since our
   new business strategy is to follow the pack rather than lead it, we need
   to make every effort to discourage any troublesome new ideas. Therefore,
   no system manager is permitted to back up any files that have been 
   produced between the hours of 9 pm and 5 am.

6) Given the economic climate today, more employees have been seen
   bringing in their own coffee and lunches. As we all know, the cafeteria
   and vending machines sell the same items. In order for these outside
   businesses to pay the rent on using company space, they must continue to
   make a profit. We cannot afford to lose this revenue, which is often more
   than we make from selling our own products. THEREFORE, the security guards
   will no longer allow anyone to carry foodstuff past the front desk.
   Customers are excluded from this policy.

7) In the past, the company did not feel it was necessary to install a time
   clock in order to ensure that employees put in a full 8 hours of work.
   At those facilities where it was noticed that morale was lowest and
   tardiness was greatest, a senior vice president was stationed at the front
   entrance to monitor offenders. We still do not believe in time clocks;
   however, after careful study of the Japanese, we have decided to institute
   the practice of checking in employee's shoes at the front desk. No one will
   receive their shoes back until 9 hours (1 hour for lunch) have past, except
   in the case of an emergency or a signed note from their cost center manager.

8) It has been proven that the accumulation of spilled coffee around
   coffee machines could be an electrical hazard, though we have had no report
   of anyone getting shocked (except several important customers who 
experienced
   horror at the messy appearance). We have provided paper towels for the
   express purpose of keeping these areas clean and dry. With your safety in
   mind, we will post new signs at each coffee machine with this motto:

	**** USE THEM (the towels) OR LOSE THEM (the machines). ****

   Please note: Caffeine might be included on the DRUG chart in the near 
future.
   Its use and potential abuse is under review at this time. A decision will
   be forecoming as to whether this company wants to give the impression that
   it approves of any DRUG usage.

If you have questions or concerns about your ability to follow these
guidelines, please see your manager for encouragement and support in making 
an appropriate career change. 

[forwardings removed...]

   {"Wall Street Journal", November 29, 1990, p. B2} Maynard - Digital 
    Equipment Announces Termination Program.  

    A company executive confirmed that Digital will terminate in
    excess of 20,000 employees through a program known internally
    as "Fat Man".  The official, who declined to be identified,
    revealed that anti-personnel explosives will be detonated in an
    unspecified number company cafeterias to down size overall
    headcount.
    
    "We looked at a lot of options, and decided that this approach would 
    accomplish our financial goals within the context of Digital's values 
    of respecting the dignity of the individual, valuing differences, and 
    returning a fair profit to our shareholders."  The executive went on to 
    explain that all employees have an equal opportunity of being 
    terminated.  "Several important details deserve recognition.  Out of 
    compassion, we decided to shoot the wounded.  Furthermore, we decided 
    to wait until after the holidays...we wanted to make sure that everyone 
    had an opportunity to enjoy the season of peace and good will toward 
    humankind.  Then people can start the new year looking forward to a 
    wonderful opportunity."
    
    From a financial perspective, the spokesperson indicated that Digital 
    will provide surviving family members with a generous severance package 
    which will include a burial benefit of up to $5,000 with a $250 out of 
    pocket deductible.  The official elaborated, "Our research shows that 
    our burial benefit is one of the most liberal in the industry.  And 
    since the employee dies on the job, the family receives four times the 
    employee's salary in the form of a lump sum life insurance payment 
    under the terms of the accidental death and dismemberment clause of 
    Digital's group insurance contract.  We are very excited about this 
    program, and we feel that we are going to turn the corner on the head 
    count problem, and the best part of the whole program is that it will 
    not cost DEC a nickel and it reduces costly floor space to boot!
    
    Wall Street analysts indicate that it won't be enough.

    +---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
    | D | I | G | I | T | A | L |    INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
    +---+---+---+---+---+---+---+
                                                   Date:  12-Sep-1990
    TO:  All Employees                             From:  Corporate Accounting
                                                   Dept:  Accounting
                                                   Ext:
                                                   Loc/Mail Stop:
    
    



    Subject:  Traveling Expenses

    Due to the recent poor earnings, we at Corporate Finance feel it is 
    necessary to change some of the heretofore lax expense policies.  The
    Following is an overview of the changes that will soon be implemented.
    
    1)  Hotel Bills - In the future, all traveling personel should refrain
    from reserving 'singles'.  Doubles and/or triples should be utilized
    whenever possible.  A practice revision is being prepared which
    outlines procedures for soliciting roommates from lobbies, bars, etc.
    in order to qualify for lower rates.  Ask at the hotel desk if a
    discount is given if soap, toilet paper and postcards are not used, or
    if the bed is not slept in.  Local telephone calls, laundry service and
    gratuities should be charged to a room other than your own.
    
    2)  Company Car Usage - To be used only when absolutely necessary. 
    First try all other means of obtaining transportation, i.e.,
    hitchhiking, coercion, hijacking, etc.  If you must use your company
    car, be sure to find all employees traveling to the same location... 
    Corporate findings have discovered that the average vehicle will hold 4
    males and 7 females.
    
    3)  Meals - Meal allowance has been reduced to one meal per day per
    employee at a cost of $4.97.  Studies have shown that one loaf of
    bread, one jar of peanut butter and a six-pack will do nicely and still
    leave change over for a tip, and will last 5 days.  The 6th beer to be
    turned into finance with your expense report at the end of the trip.
    
    4)  Company car parking - Way too much is being spent on this
    frivolous activity.  The motor vehicle group suggests parking in the
    middle of the street, putting the hood up and flashers on.  This is
    usually good for one hour and 37 minutes, at which time the employee
    should move the car to another street.
    
    5)  Entertainment - The only allowable entertainment from this time on
    will be day-old newspapers, with a cost limit of .03.  If current
    papers or magazines are purchased, the employee must absorb the cost,
    less .03.  In lieu of theatres, find a drive-in and sit just outside
    the fence.  In lieu opf coin operated television in hotel rooms, enter
    another room, plead amnesia and ask to watch the news because you want
    to see if you're a missing person.
    
    NOTE:  Because people traveling usually have extra personal time, the
    company is issuing every employee a tin cup and a handful of pencils to
    peddle from a street corner.  Proceeds should be turned in weekly to
    cover the cost of the accounting operation.
    

    
    A RoTY (rap of the year) nomination is in order here!
    

    Truly a classic /Don!
    
    
    - ACC Chris

    Workout videos, rap prose, what's next for this Slash_man?
    
    Hawk

    Rollward /Don, Rollward.
    
    Seen in USA Today
    One of the reasons why football is better than baseball:
    
    You can't intentionally walk Joe Montana.
    
    
    JaKe
    

Jeez, Slasher.  You had me laughing so hard I done gave myself
a hernia!

    
    Stolen from an old Readers Digest I found lying around in the lounge
    area:
    
    "Football season is when the teams get on the field, I get on the
    couch, and the wife gets on my back."
    
    ***
    
    A golfer is seen walking down the fairway with four caddies.  "Tell me,
    says another golfer, why do you need so many caddies?"
       "It's my wife's idea," he replies, "She thinks I should spend more
    time with the kids."
    
    ***
    
    From George Will:  "Pitchers think the split-fingered fastball is like
    sex.  When it's good, it's terrific.  When it's bad, it's still pretty
    good."
    
    Dickstah
    

    Two guys, Bob and Jim, just got done with 18 holes and were walking
    back to their cars.  They spotted a dog licking his privates.  Bob
    says, "Geez, I wish I could do that."
    
    Jim replied:
    
    "Maybe you should try petting him first!"
     

Excellent! Slasher... (The Vanilla Ice of SPORTS!)

Mike JN

    I saw a p_name in a_other conference today that made me think of
    ::SPORTS and a few of it's characters in particular.......
    
    
    
    			"this ewe's for Bud!"
    
    				:-)
    

    Man to Taxi Driver:  Hey, do you have room in there for two sixpacks
    and a pepperoni pizza???
    
    Taxi Driver:  Sure
    
    Man:   
    aaaauuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhrrraaaalllppphhhppuuukkkeee
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    

    
    Overheard this announcement in the shopping mall in Foxboro:
    
    
    " Will the woman who left 11 kids at Sullivan Stadium please
    
      come and pick them up........
    
    
    
    
     They are beating the Patriots  14-0..."
    
    
    
    Kev
    

    re.449
    
    OLD OLD OLd
    
    Heard that one in the '80's about both the Steelers and the Cowboys.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    JaKe,
    
    Mebbe so but I'll betcha it's a first for ::Sports!!!
    
    ;^)
    
    Kev
    

How to tell the species of bear you are looking at:
 
Go over to him, and kick him in the behind.  Run up a nearby tree.
If he climbs the tree and eats you, he's a black bear.  If he
knocks the tree down and eats you, he's a grizzly.
    
    Two lions escape from the zoo.  They decide that they'd better split
    up, but agree to meet three months later at a given spot.
    
    Three months go by and they meet at the appointed place.  One is very
    skinny and the other appears very robust.
    
    The Robust One (TRO):  What happened to you?  You look terrible!
    
    The Skinny One (TSO):  When we split up, I went to a nearby village. 
    All I did was to eat one small person, and the villagers got very
    upset.  They started chasing me with guns!  I've been on the run ever
    since and haven't had a thing to eat since then.
    
    TRO: That's too bad.
    
    TSO: What about you?  You seem to be doing well.
    
    TRO: Well, I made my way to Digital headquarters in Maynard.

    I've been eating a manager a week,

    and nobody seems to notice.

    Ha ha ha, a manager a week and nobody notices!   Ha ha ha.
    
    Heck, he could probably start on having a VP once a month and still get
    by unnoticed! :*)
    
    Lee

    In perhaps his last act as Patriots' General Manager, Pat Sullivan has
    scheduled a game for the Patriots immediately after the last scheduled
    game of the year against the Giants on December 30.
    
    Sullivan has lined up Fitchburg State to take the field shortly after
    the Giants leave.  Sullivan says that it's good for both teams.  "The
    Patriots need the practice and Fitchburg needs the win."
    
    Dan

    re .454:
    
    Actually, the Pats-Fitchburg State game is a rematch of one that
    followed last year's season finale against the Rams.  Near the end of
    the first quarter, a hunter's gun went off in the woods near Sullivan
    Stadium.  The Fitchburg State defense thought it was the gun to
    indicate the end of the quarter, and walked down to the other end of
    the field.  The Patriots scored four plays later... :-)
    
    
    py
                                          

               A FINAL VISIT fROM SAINT NICHOLAS   

    'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--  
    that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here 
    inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;  
    the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling; 

    I opened a beer as I watched my TV,
    while Donny sang "O Holy Night" to sweet sister Marie;   
    the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;   
    or else they were stoned, which was almost as good. 

    While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss  
    'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;   
    "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;  
    "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

    When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
    'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?" 
    I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
    and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight. 

    Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
    was caught in our eight foot electrified fence; 
    he called out, "I'm Santa!  I bring you no malice!" 
    Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"   

    But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me, 
    I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
    I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
    and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."   

    I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,   
    and he poured out the following tale of despair;
    "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,  
    but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

    "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,   
    and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
    although I would like to continue to use them,  
    the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."   

    "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by   
    and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
    I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,   
    and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."  

    "Last April my workers came forth with demands, 
    and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
    I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,   
    so the missus and I did the work by ourselves."

    "And then, later on, came additional trouble--  
    an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;   
    my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
    they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."  

    "And after that came an I.R.S audit;
    the government claimed I was out to defraud it; 
    they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
    which I paid through the sale of my house and my land." 

    "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare  
    flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
    not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,  
    taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."  

    "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,  
    I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.   
    And if you should ask  why I'm glowing tonight, 
    it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."  

    He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,  
    and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;   
    "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat, 
    but I fear that today I've become obsolete."

    He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh, 
    and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
    "no longer can I do the job that's required;
    if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".  

The Mensa society has released their 5 favorite games to consider for your
Christmas purchases.  They are:

1. Taboo - a word guessing game
2. TriBond - a board game involving abstract word associations
3. Abalone - a strategy game in which players force opponents' marbles off
             a hexagonal field.
4. Scattergories - a guessing game matching words and categories.
5. Trivial Pursuit - 

    This is an oldie and my apologies if it has already been entered.
    
    
    		1991	New England Patriots Schedule
    
    9/15		Boston Area Junior High
    9/22		Boy Scout Troop #68
    9/29		Crippled Children's Home
    10/6		Blind Academy
    10/13		World War I Veterans
    10/20		Brownie Scout Troop #14
    10/27		Brockton High Cheerleaders
    11/3		St. Joeseph's Boy's Choir				
    11/10		Boston VD Clinic
    11/17		Korean War Amputees
    11/23		VA Hospital Patients
    
    
    Rule Changes:
    
    N.E. will be allowed to use 27 players
    N.E. will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time
    N.E. will be allowed to play with three footballs at the same time
    A touchdown will count as 21 points for N.E.
    N.E. will be allowed 20 time-outs
    A gain of three yards will constitute a first down for N.E.
    
    
    Reb :-) :-)
    
    

    Ha ha ha, great poem, Mike!!  :*)
    
    Thanks.
    
    Lee
    

Here are some quotes I pulled out of the VNS humor column:

    "The whole thing has been re-laid in parts."

				- Gary Linnaker, re: San Siro stadium pitch
				- from Doug Arthur (Reading, England)


    "Well, Ron, with five minutes to go in the game, that's the first
    time Winnipeg has attempted that play with the exception of the one
    they tried in the opening quarter."

				- CBC sports commentator Don Whitman
				- from Stephen Adler (Kanata, Ontario, Canada)

    "Galway Hooker Gets Award"

				- Galway Observer, 28 Nov 1990
				- from Pat Costello (Galway, Ireland)

         IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the
         Thames, following the famous Oxford vs Cambridge course.
         
         Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as
         ready as they could be.
         
         IBM won by a mile.

         Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision
         was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
         found, so a working party was set up to investigate and
         report.
         
         Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems
         Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service,
         the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the
         answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary
         presentation.
         
         "The problem was", he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing
         and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8
         steering."
          
         The working party was then asked to go away and come up with
         a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's
         pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.
         
         2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and
         the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary--
 

        
         "The guy rowing has got to work harder" 

A friend of a friend of mine went to Aruba for a two week vacation recently.
While they were at the beach one day someone broke into their room and 
took their travelers checks.

Well, they had the checks replaced and continued on the vacation. 

After being back home for 3 weeks, they got their photos back from the 
trip,

Two of the pictures they did not take!

The first picture was of a very large fat man waving at the camera with
the travelers checks in the other hand.

The second picture was of the same man mooning the camera.

The friend of a friend was looking more closely at the second picture and
said, "what is that sticking out of his @#$", and she screamed------------


IT'S MY TOOTH BRUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

she had been using the tooth brush ever since the vacation.

THE MOTTO OF THE STORY IS-------


IF YOU EVER HAVE YOUR TRAVELERS CHECKS STOLEN, BUY A NEW TOOTH BRUSH!

    re: .462
    
    I am absolutely rollward over this!  Can you imagine?  :-)
    
    Hawk

    re .463....
    
    You?  Rollward?  Yeah, I can imagine... (smiley goes here...)

    Actually, I've been thinking about this toothbrush defoliation thing
    all day, and especially the motto.  Why trash a perfectly good
    toothbrush after you find your Traveller's Cheques missing?  A simple
    sniff just may save the victim a buck and a trip to CVS.  Here's what
    the motto should say:
    
    IF YOU EVER HAVE YOUR TRAVELLERS CHEQUES STOLEN, SNIFF YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!
    
    Hope this helps!  :-)
    
    Hawk

    
    This is not really a joke, and it has nothin to do with sports, but
    kinda like the acme Wile E. Coyote rocket car incident, it struck
    me right in the sick humor node.
    
    On the front page of the Worcester (MA) Telegram and Gazette, there is
    a story about a woman who is charged with stabbing her husband to death
    with kitchen knife.  There is also a picture of the woman being
    escorted into court for her arraignment, and she's wearing a T-shirt 
    that clearly reads "Shit Happens."
    
    

    More sick humor......
    
    Last week, or a couple weeks ago, whatever :-), a Lawrence Eagle
    Tribune photograher was out during the weird tides (because of some crazy
    alignment of the moon and planets) just trying to capture whatever when
    he came across this distraught woman facing the huge waves and asking
    the ocean to sweep her away.  Well, the photographer started snapping
    away and the next thing, this woman winds-up in the water and
    eventually is swept away (they found her body hours later).  Anyway, on
    the front page of the paper were 3 pictures in the series that the guy
    snapped of her- the 1st of her just standing there, the 2nd of her
    lying on her back in 2 feet of water, and the 3rd of her being drawn
    out to sea by a wave just inches away from a rescuer......
    
    Now, what I got a chuckle over was the 2nd picture of her lying in the
    water.  The picture was so clear that you could easily read the label
    in the brown liter bottle she was holding- BUDWEISER!  She was actually
    holding it up out of the water just like the cigarette in the other
    hand, so they wouldn't get wet!  It was really a "good save", for the
    moment........  :-)
    
    You'd really have to see the picture.......
    
    Hawk 

    This single guy owns a house and one day a new couple moves into the
    house next door.  The husband is about 6'6", weighs 295, and hasn't
    bathed in a month.  The wife is 5'3" and put together like the
    proverbial brick sh!thouse.
    
    For two weeks after the couple moves in, the wife sunbathes wvery day
    in the back yard wearing only a VERY skimpy bikini.  The single
    neighbor, during these two weeks, cuts his grass daily, waters his
    grass 3 or 4 times a day, and trims his hedges, weeds his garden,
    anything to get a look at the lady hext door.
    
    Finally, he can't control himself and goes next door and knocks on the
    door.  The husband answers with, "Ya, Whaddya want??"
    
    SINGLE GUY:  I've neglected to introduce myself to you, the new
    neighbors, since you've moved in, and I want to say welcome to the
    neighborhood.
    
    BURLY HUSBAND:  Yeah, So?
    
    SINGLE GUY: I also wanted to say that you have a beautiful wife.
    
    BURLY HUSBAND:  Yeah, what's the point??
    
    SINGLE GUY:  Well, you're wife is so nice looking that I'll pay you Ten
                 Ten Thousand dollars if you'll let me kiss her titles!!
    
    BURLY HUSBAND:(winding up to punch the guy in the face) You little son
                 of a.....
    
    At this point the big guys wife's hands appear on the husbands arms and
    stop him from punching out the neighbors lights.  The wife asks the
    single guy to excuse her and her husband for a few minutes.  The door
    closes and the single guy hears the couple discussing something and
    then, after a couple of minutes, the door opens and the big guy says
    "C'mon in"
    
    The single guy steps inside and the big guy says "There ya go" and
    points to wife who is removing her bikini top.
    
    The single guy proceeds to rub his face in the titles for about 5
    minutes when the Burly husband starts to get mad and impatient and
    says,
    
    BURLY HUSBAND:  Alright, enough of that, start kissing.
    
    SINGLE GUY:  Oh, I can't kiss these, I just can't.
    
    BURLY HUSBAND:  And why can't you kiss them?????
    
    SINGLE GUY:'Cause I don't have ten thousand dollars!!!!
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    

    JaKe, the single guy was a pro bowler, wasn't he?
    
    HTH.
    
    Hawk

    Hawk
    
    I thought anything to do with titles and acquisitions was a sport
    anyway, yes!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    
    JaKe
    

Sorry I allready watched Roadhouse !

    Seems that this family that lived in Cleveland finally came into some
    money and decided to move up in the world so they moved to Pittsburgh.
    
    Their son, who was in the third grade, went to his new school and on
    the first day, after gym class, took a shower.  Something Clevelander's
    only do once a month normally.
    
    During the shower, he looked around at the other third graders and
    noticed that his penicular appendage was twice as big as any other
    third grader's.  This made him proud, but also curious.
    
    When he got home that evening the following conversation with his
    father ensued:
    
    Boy:  Hey dad, in the shower today, I noticed that my d!ck was twice as
    big as any other third grader's, Why do you suppose that is????
    
    DAD:  Well son, 
    The fact that you're 18 YEARS old might have something to do with
    it!!!!
    
    
    
    
    Happy holidays
    
    
    JaKe
    

         <<< HYDRA::DISK$USERPACK02:[NOTES$LIBRARY]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
                       -<  Dave Barry - Noted humorist  >-
================================================================================
Note 564.0                    WHY GUYS LIKE SPORTS                    No replies
CPDW::RENNIE                                         95 lines   5-NOV-1989 12:22
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	          	WHY GUYS LIKE SPORTS

	by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
      copied from the Boston Sunday Globe, November 5,1989

Today, in our continuing series on how guys think, we explore the question: 
How come guys care so much about sports?

This is a tough one, because caring about sports is, let's face it, silly.  I
mean, suppose you have a fiend who, for no apparent reason, suddenly becomes
obsessed with Amtrak.  He babbles about Amtrak constantly, citing obscure
railroad statistics from 1978; he puts Amtrak bumper stickers on his car; and
when something bad happens to Amtrak, such as a train crashes and investigators
find  that the engineer was drinking and wearing a bunny suit, your friend
becomes depressed for weeks.  You'd think he was crazy, right?  "Bob," you'd
say to him, as a loving and caring friend, "you're a moron.  The Amtrak
Corporation has *nothing to do with you*."

But if Bob is behaving exactly the same deranged way about, say, the Pittsburgh
Penguins, it's considered normal-guy behavior.  He could name his child
"Pittsburgh Penguin Johnson" and be considered only mildly eccentric.  There is
something wrong with this.  And before you accuse me of being some kind of
sherry-sipping-ascot-wearing ballet-attending MacNeil-Lehrer-Report-watching
wussy, please note that I am a sports guy myself, having had a legendary
athletic career consisting of nearly a third of the 1965 season on the track
team at Pleasantville High School ("Where The Leaders Of Tomorrow Are Leaving
Wads Of Gum On The Auditorium Seats Of Today").  I competed in the long jump,
because it seemed to be the only event where afterward you didn't fall down and
throw up.

I probably would have become an Olympic-caliber long-jumper except that,
through one of those "bad breaks" so common in sports, I turned out to have
the raw leaping ability of a convenience store.  I'd race down the runway and
attempt to soar into the air, and instead of going up I'd be seized by powerful
gravity rays and yanked *downward* and wind up with just my head sticking out
of the dirt, serving as a convenient marker for the other jumpers to take off
from.

So, OK, I was not Jim Thorpe, but I care as much about sports as the next guy. 
If you were to put me in the middle of a room, and in one corner was Albert
Einstein, in another corner was Abraham Lincoln, in another corner was Plato,
in another corner was William Shakespeare, and in another corner (this room is
a pentagon) was a TV set showing a football game between teams that have no
connection whatsoever with my live, such as the Green Bay Packers and the
Indianapolis Colts, I would ignore the greatest minds in Western thought,
gravitate toward the TV, and become far more concerned about the game than I am
about my child's education.  And *so would the other guys*.  I guarantee it. 
Within minutes, Plato would be pounding Lincoln on the shoulder and shouting in
ancient Greek that the receiver did *not* have both feet in bounds.

Obviously, sports connect with something deeply rooted in the male psyche,
dating back to prehistoric times, when guys survived by hunting and fighting,
and they needed many of the skills exhibited by modern athletes - running,
throwing, spitting, renegotiating their contracts, adjusting their private
parts on nationwide television, etc.  So that would explain how comes guys like
to *participate* in sports.  But how come they care so much about games played
by *other* guys?  Does this also date back to prehistoric times?  When hunters
were out hurling spears into mastodons, were there also prehistoric guys
watching from the hills, drinking prehistoric beer, eating really bad
prehistoric hot dogs and shouting "We're No. 1!" but not understanding what it
meant because this was before the development of mathematics?

There must have been, because there is no other explanation for such bizarre
phenomena as:

	Sports-talk radio, where guys who have never sent get-well cards to
their own mothers will express heartfelt, near-suicidal anguish over the
hamstring problems of strangers.

	My editor, Gene, who can remember the complete starting lineups for the
New York Yankee teams from 1960 through 1964, but who routinely makes telephone
calls wherein, after he dials the phone, he forgets who he's calling, so when
somebody answers, Gene has to ask (a) who it is, and, (b) does this person
happen to know the purpose of the call.

	Another guy in my office, John, who appears to be a normal middle-age
husband and father until you realize that he spends most of his waking hours
managing a *pretend baseball team*.  This is true.  He and some other guys have
formed a league where they pay actual money to "draft" major-league players,
and then they have their pretend teams play a whole pretend season, complete
with trades, legalistic memorandums and heated disputes over the rules.  This
is crazy, right?  If these guys said they were managing herds of pretend
caribou, the authorities would be squirting lithium down their throats with
turkey basters, right?  And yet we all act like it's *perfectly normal*.  In
fact, eavesdropping from my office, I find myself getting involved in John's
discussions.  That's how pathetic I am:  I'm capable of caring about a pretend
sports team that's not even my *own* pretend sports team.

So, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm thinking it's time I got
some perspective in my life.  First thing after the Super Bowl, I'm going to
start paying more attention to the things that should matter to me, like my
work, my friends, and above all my family, especially my little boy,
Philadelphia Phillies Barry/