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Conference hbahba::cam_sports

Title:Sports 93-96 Archive. No new notes allowed
Notice:Chainsaw's last standSPORTS_97
Moderator:HBAHBA::HAAS
Created:Mon Jan 11 1993
Last Modified:Tue Apr 15 1997
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:302
Total number of notes:117855

189.0. "Here ya go, Car Bowling, a real man's sport!" by AIMHI::KERR (Caught in the Crossfire) Wed Oct 12 1994 18:36

           <<< HYDRA::DISK_NOTES$LIBRARY:[000000]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
                       -<  Dave Barry - Noted humorist  >-
================================================================================
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                    Big Boys Play With Big Toys That Go Bang

                                 By Dave Barry

                 Copied from Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph
                            Sunday, October 2, 1994



       Women often ask, "What do men REALLY want, deep in their souls?"

       The best answer -- based on in-depth analysis of the complex and subtle
  interplay of thought, instinct and emotion that constitutes the male psyche
  -- is that deep in their souls, men want to watch stuff go "bang."

       When I was about 10 years old, my friend Neil Thompson and I found a
  heavy old industrial washing machine that somebody had dumped in the woods.
  We spent an entire afternoon laboriously rolling the washing machine up a 
  hill and pushing it off the edge of a small cliff.  It would tumble down and
  smash onto some rocks, and we'd immediately go down and start laboriously
  rolling it back up the hill again.  We would NEVER have expended that kind
  of effort on anything useful, such as mowing a lawn.  But it was worth the
  hard work.  Because of the "bang."

       Of course as males mature and become responsible members of society,
  they are less likely to spend their time pushing washing machines off
  cliffs.  They are more likely to pursue an activity such as Car Bowling.
  This is an exciting new sport that I found out about from an alert reader
  named Robert Grimm.  He referred me to a friend of his named Mark Luman, a
  pilot in Michigan, who informed me that what he and his pilot friends some-
  times do, for recreation, is go up in airplanes and drop bowling balls on
  cars.

       At this point, many of you women are thinking, "They drop WHAT?  On
  WHAT?  From WHAT?"  Whereas you men, because of your complex and subtle
  psychic interplay, are thinking, "When can I do this?"

       I have to admit that the idea of Car Bowling appealed to me, although I
  did have a couple of concerns, the main ones being:

       1.  Are there MOTORISTS in these cars?
       2.  Do the pilots have to wear rental shoes?

       I am pleased to report that the answer to both questions is "no."
  Luman told me that in Car Bowling, you use an unoccupied junk car, which
  you place on the runway of a private airport.  Then you fly over in a small 
  plane, going 80 to 90 miles per hour at an altitude of 20 to 50 feet, and
  attempt to hit the car with a bowling ball.  If you succeed, you get the
  sense of inner spiritual gratification that comes from seeing what happens
  to a car that has been hit by a bowling ball.  But the beauty of Car Bowling
  is that even if you MISS, you get a very positive result, from the male per-
  spective.

       "You cannot imagine,"  said Luman, "how far a bowling ball will bounce
  when it hits a hard surface at that speed.  It's AMAZING."

       But fun though it is, I believe that Car Bowling could be adapted 
  to provide major social benefits in the field of shopping-mall parking en-
  forcement.  Think of how many times you've been inconvenienced at the mall
  because some jerk has left his car sprawled across two parking spaces.
  Right now little can be done about this, because the law prohibits mall
  security personnel from writing parking tickets.  But the law does NOT --
  I urge you to comfirm this for yourself -- specifically state that mall 
  security personnel may not drop bowling balls on improperly parked cars from
  low-flying aircraft.  And if I know anything about mall security personnel,
  they would jump at the chance.

       Oh, sure, there would be a certain degree of risk.  You cannot guaran-
  tee 100 percent surgical accuracy with this kind of operation; you're going
  to have some unfortunate situations where an errant bowling ball, traveling
  at 85 miles an hour, blasts through the wall of, say, a crowded greeting
  card store.  But that will be a small price to pay if motorists start show-
  ing some respect for the parking lot lines.  As the old saying goes:  "You
  can't make an omelet without jeopardizing the lives of innocent people."

       TREBUCHET UPDATE

       You may recall that some months ago I wrote a column about three Texas
  guys -- John Quincey, Richard Clifford and Don Capers -- who want to build
  a trebuchet  -- a medieval weapon similar to, but more advanced than, a
  catapult -- capable of hurling a Buick 200 yards.  I'm pleased to report
  that they've made important progress in the form of producing hats, T-shirts
  and official stationery that says "International Hurling Society."

       Also they made a video.  It opens with an arty shot of their prototype
  trebuchet silhouetted against the sky; dramatic music is playing in the
  background.  A somber voice says:  "We have created a weapon of war that the
  world has not seen in more than 500 years.  Why?"

       Then another voice says:  "I have no idea."

       This is followed by scenes of the prototype hurling bowling balls an
  astounding distance.  Watching it, I couldn't help but think:  This thing
  could DEFINITELY bring down a small plane.

       Not that I am suggesting anything.

T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name
DateLines
189.1PTOS02::JACOBRShe likes Andy, She likes Elvis.....Wed Oct 12 1994 18:376
    Anyone see the Dave Barry on Opera yesterday or today.
    
    Hilarious.
    
    JaKe
    
189.2Was he in a swordfight?25022::BREENWed Oct 12 1994 19:075
     >  Anyone see the Dave Barry on Opera yesterday or today.
     
    
    Was it King Lear or Hamlet
    
189.3Was that it?ANGLIN::WIERSBECKChicago has wimpy wintersWed Oct 12 1994 19:174
    I saw Phantom of the Opera.
    
    
    Spud
189.4HANNAH::ASHEWhat's the frequency, Robert?Wed Oct 12 1994 19:232
    Opera Winfrey's in Chicago... go Cubs...
    
189.5PTOS02::JACOBRShe likes Andy, She likes Elvis.....Wed Oct 12 1994 19:256
    No, you lame-brains, Barry talks about his hatred fer Opera.  
    
    guess ya had to read it.
    
    JaKe
    
189.6MSBCS::BRYDIEI need somebody to shove!Wed Oct 12 1994 19:317
    
       Why are you capitalizing the 'o' in opera? Some special reverence
      for the art form? I had you pegged for a big opera fan, Jake.
    
      BTW - I guess I'm the only person who doesn;t get the appeal of
            Dave Barry and Tim Whathisface form Home Improvement. It
            just doesn't make me crack a smile much less laugh aloud.
189.7it's a family man thangFRETZ::HEISERGrace changes everythingWed Oct 12 1994 19:345
>      BTW - I guess I'm the only person who doesn;t get the appeal of
>            Dave Barry and Tim Whathisface form Home Improvement. It
>            just doesn't make me crack a smile much less laugh aloud.
    
    you have to have a life and live it first.
189.8PTOS02::JACOBRShe likes Andy, She likes Elvis.....Wed Oct 12 1994 19:3421
    
    >>   Why are you capitalizing the 'o' in opera? Some special reverence
    >>  for the art form? I had you pegged for a big opera fan, Jake.
    
    I DID attend one opera once.  Me and Mrs. JaKe, before we was hitched,
    went to see "The Marriage of Figaro", only cause she talked me into it
    cause she wanted to "experience" and opera.  We both hated it,        
    severely.  Swore that one opera in our lifetimes is probably too much.
    
    
    >>  BTW - I guess I'm the only person who doesn;t get the appeal of
    >>        Dave Barry and Tim Whathisface form Home Improvement. It
    >>        just doesn't make me crack a smile much less laugh aloud.
    
    Well, the world needs curmedgeons in all walks of life to make life
    interesting!
    
    (8^)*
    
    JaKe
    
189.9I don't get it eitherCNTROL::CHILDSShe was a TWO-BaggerWed Oct 12 1994 19:394
 no Tommy there's atleast two of us........

 mike
189.10MSBCS::BRYDIEI need somebody to shove!Wed Oct 12 1994 19:447
   >> -< it's a family man thang >-
    
   >> you have to have a life and live it first.
    
      Then I guess you had to be an alien to appreciate "Mork And Mindy",
      a barfly to appreciate "Cheers" and be in therapy to appreciate the
      "Bob Newhart Show". All makes sense to me.
189.11FRETZ::HEISERGrace changes everythingWed Oct 12 1994 19:561
    Well if you enjoyed those shows, I'll trust your voice of experience.
189.12HANNAH::ASHEWhat's the frequency, Robert?Wed Oct 12 1994 20:253
    I'd rather see Letterman throw stuff out a building, but that's not
    bad.
    
189.13SCOONE::MCCULLOUGHHakuna Matata - means no worries...Thu Oct 13 1994 12:064
|Why are you capitalizing the 'o' in opera? Some special 
|for the art form? I had you pegged for a big opera fan, Jake.
 
Probably the same reason he always types STEELERS.
189.14with a bit of sarcasmBSS::MENDEZThu Oct 13 1994 15:088
    Ya know...
    Sooner or later some drunk hunter is gonna get the idea to hunt with a
    bowling ball from an airplane and mame some poor innocent animal.  I
    think that we should ban Dave Barry from writing these type of
    articles! (smily doodad goes somewhere in here)
    
    Frank
    
189.15CAMONE::WAYSailors, rest your oars...Thu Oct 13 1994 15:092
Thanks Frank, I'm rolling, but I've got soda in my sinuses now and it's
all your fault......
189.16HELIX::MAIEWSKIThu Oct 13 1994 15:2415
RE         <<< Note 189.7 by FRETZ::HEISER "Grace changes everything" >>>
                          -< it's a family man thang >-

>>      BTW - I guess I'm the only person who doesn;t get the appeal of
>>            Dave Barry and Tim Whathisface form Home Improvement. It
>>            just doesn't make me crack a smile much less laugh aloud.
>    
>    you have to have a life and live it first.

  I seem to like Dave Barry but I don't like Home Improvement. I guess that
means I have a half life. 

  So the question is, does that mean that I am radioactive?

  George
189.17WMOIS::CHAPALONIS_MWhat a terrible year 1918 Thu Oct 13 1994 16:134
    
    
    
        Who is Dave Barry?
189.18SCOONE::MCCULLOUGHHakuna Matata - means no worries...Thu Oct 13 1994 16:174
    
|        Who is Dave Barry?

A world famous car bowler.
189.19PTOS02::JACOBRShe likes Andy, She likes Elvis.....Thu Oct 13 1994 18:587
    
 >>       Who is Dave Barry?
 
    Mrs. Barry's son.
    
    JaKe
    
189.20HANNAH::ASHEand I'm feeeeelin' strong...Thu Oct 13 1994 19:032
    Dave's World, Dave's World, party time, excellent...
    
189.21ROCK::HUBERIndians in '94Thu Oct 13 1994 19:194
    
>        Who is Dave Barry?
    
    A modern day James Thurber...
189.22WMOIS::CHAPALONIS_MWhat a terrible year 1918 Thu Oct 13 1994 19:247
    
    
    
       Well, thanks guys. You really helped me on that one!
    
    
    Chappy
189.23better?HANNAH::ASHEand I'm feeeeelin' strong...Thu Oct 13 1994 19:294
    Have you seen the show Dave's World with Harry Anderson.  It's based on
    his articles.  He's a writer for the Miami Herald I think.  The Globe
    runs his column.
    
189.24WMOIS::CHAPALONIS_MWhat a terrible year 1918 Thu Oct 13 1994 19:3211
    
    
    
          Oh, Thanks Walt, Figures the guy that helps you out is leavin
    soon!!!!      :-(
    
    
    Chap
    
    
    
189.25CAMONE::WAYSailors, rest your oars...Fri Oct 14 1994 12:1217
Dave Barry is a humorist, who writes for the Miami Herald.  He started out
in a small town in Pennsylvania, and for a time, he was working remotely
for the Herald from PA, but I don't know if he lives in FLA now or not.

He has a bunch of books out there -- see the humor section in the bookstore,
some of which are pretty funny.  The one about having a baby is hysterical.

Dave was also the lead guitarist of the "rock group" The Rock Bottom
Remainders, most notable because it was made up of authors -- Steven King,
Amy Tan, Barbara Kingsolver, Dave Barry among others.  Their musical director
was Al Kooper.  

Believe it or not, he plays a pretty good guitar....


hth,
'Saw
189.26ROCK::HUBERIndians in '94Fri Oct 14 1994 12:3514
    
> Dave Barry is a humorist, who writes for the Miami Herald.  He started out
> in a small town in Pennsylvania, and for a time, he was working remotely
> for the Herald from PA, but I don't know if he lives in FLA now or not.
    
    Actually, before that he worked for a PA newspaper - not sure which
    one, though.
    
    He is living in FLA now, and has been for a while.
    
    Besides the syndicated column, he is a reporter for the Herald,
    apparently, doing a number of regular articles for the paper.
    
    Joe
189.27MSBCS::BRYDIEI need somebody to shove!Fri Oct 14 1994 12:408
    
>        Who is Dave Barry?
    
  >> A modern day James Thurber...
    
     In his wildest dreams. He's more like Andy Rooney without the chip on
     his shoulder.
    
189.28SCOONE::MCCULLOUGHHakuna Matata - means no worries...Fri Oct 14 1994 12:537
|     In his wildest dreams. He's more like Andy Rooney without the chip on
|     his shoulder.

Hey, it must be fun to write the stuff Barry puts out.  
Half the time his ideas come from his readers.  If he 
can make a very nice living the way he does, without a
lot of literary heavy lifting, more power to him.
189.29ROCK::HUBERIndians in '94Fri Oct 14 1994 12:5314
    
>>>        Who is Dave Barry?
    
>> A modern day James Thurber...
    
>     In his wildest dreams. He's more like Andy Rooney without the chip on
>     his shoulder.
    
    Eh - Barry's a lot closer to Thurber than Rooney.  And I'm not sure
    that down the road Dave won't be looked at in the same light.  At this
    point, though, he hasn't really made a similar progression, I'll
    grant.
    
    Joe
189.30CAMONE::WAYSailors, rest your oars...Fri Oct 14 1994 12:5713
Hey, Dave Barry makes me laugh and that's what counts, as far as I'm 
concerned.

I almost split a gut the very first article of his I read, something called
"Building a Board."


He's an interesting fellow, who looks a little bit like Chris Knorr, if you
want to know what Chris Knorr kinda looks like, see a picture of Dave Barry.
(How's *that* for a run-on sentence!)


'Saw
189.31MSBCS::BRYDIEI need somebody to shove!Fri Oct 14 1994 13:0412
    
 >> Hey, Dave Barry makes me laugh and that's what counts, as far as I'm 
 >> concerned.
    
    With all due respect, Frank, Howard Stern makes you laugh. I don't
    think anyone's going to be comparing Howie to Oscar Wilde any time
    soon.
    
    I've read Dave Barry and I don't understand the fuss. He comes across
    to me as a male Erma Bombeck (who I also think is as funny as head lice).
    I can see =bob='s point but I also have a dog-eared copy of the Thurber 
    Carnival and Thurber and Barry are worlds apart.
189.32CAMONE::WAYSailors, rest your oars...Fri Oct 14 1994 13:4726
>    
>    With all due respect, Frank, Howard Stern makes you laugh. I don't
>    think anyone's going to be comparing Howie to Oscar Wilde any time
>    soon.
>    

No, Howard Stern used to get me laughing at how outrageous his stuff was.
Kind of like shock treatment.  In fact, I quite dislike Stern now, as
his stuff has gotten really old.   


>    I've read Dave Barry and I don't understand the fuss. He comes across
>    to me as a male Erma Bombeck (who I also think is as funny as head lice).

There are some Dave Barry columns lately that haven't made me laugh....

I'll bet Dave Barry could find something funny in head lice 8^)



The real crime is that the Far Side is going away 8^(


'Saw


189.33HELIX::MAIEWSKIFri Oct 14 1994 13:5923
RE        <<< Note 189.31 by MSBCS::BRYDIE "I need somebody to shove!" >>>

>    With all due respect, Frank, Howard Stern makes you laugh. I don't
>    think anyone's going to be comparing Howie to Oscar Wilde any time
>    soon.
    
  Howard Stern never made me laugh. I usually see him on talk shows with guys
like Jay Leno and Stern comes across as this irritating fog horn that you
just can't stop.

  The "where's Johny" jokes were a little funny the 1st time he told them
on his 1st Tonight Show appearance but by the 4th or 5th time on that same
show they were old and he just won't quit.

  I guess he's suppose to be shocking but he never says anything more shocking
than what I heard on the playground in Jr High. 

  I usually go to bed at some point during the Tonight Show and when Stern
is on it's usually earlier rather than later.

  Is there some other context where he is funny?

  George
189.34SCOONE::MCCULLOUGHHakuna Matata - means no worries...Fri Oct 14 1994 14:1912
re: Howard Stern

Stern's appeal is to the "locker room" crowd.  He trys to
titalate his viewers/listners (his main outlet is his 
morning drive time radio show based in NY, but syndicated
throughout the country) with constant patter about breasts,
lesbians, and how all kinds of women want to sleep with
him.

I think he is as funny as a rock.

=bob=
189.3557042::francusThere is no joy in MudvilleFri Oct 14 1994 14:264
Imus roooooools

The Crazy Met

189.36HANNAH::ASHEand I'm feeeeelin' strong...Fri Oct 14 1994 14:572
    Neither one is the world's greatest... they're ok...
    
189.37SCOONE::MCCULLOUGHHakuna Matata - means no worries...Fri Oct 14 1994 15:4511
True confession:

After bashing him mercilessly, I have to admit, I listen
to Imus most mornings.

Can't quite place why the show holds my interest.  I still
think that he is a pompus ass, and that his cronies are
a bunch of sophmoric pranksters, but I do find myself tuning
the show in.

=bob=
189.3824661::LEFEBVRETerrapin Station &gt;&gt; Sgt. PepperFri Oct 14 1994 16:0711
    
>>>        Who is Dave Barry?
    
>> A modern day James Thurber...
    
>     In his wildest dreams. He's more like Andy Rooney without the chip on
>     his shoulder.
    
    Tommy, more like Erma Bombeck with a set a_boyz.
    
    Mark.
189.39Humor is in the eye of the gigler!MKFSA::LONGStrive for five!Fri Oct 14 1994 16:0812
    I didn't realize we were taking a poll, but I think Dave Barry 
    is hilarious.  Like has been mentioned in the 'tavern' many times,
    taste in humor is like taste in music...different strokes for 
    different folks.
    
    To be realistic, though, I have read some Barry that I didn't
    like, just like Garth Brooks does some stuff that I don't care
    for.  So what!  I'll laugh at the stuff that I think is funny
    and you laugh at yours.  Just so you keep laughing!
    
    
    billl
189.40CAMONE::WAYSailors, rest your oars...Fri Oct 14 1994 16:2910
Yeah, I used to laugh at Stern -- well, not so much at him, but at his
"crew" I guess.


I like to listen to Imus -- if for no other reason than he has some interesting
guests and he's broadened my horizons in some respects.   There is some talent
on the show too -- Rob Bartlett, Scottzo......


'Saw
189.4124661::LEFEBVRETerrapin Station &gt;&gt; Sgt. PepperFri Oct 14 1994 16:377
    Time for me to come clean....I, too, would relentlessly bash Imus, but
    have been addicted for the last 2 months.  Great mix of humor and
    political banter, and as Frank indicated, an impressive list of guests.
    
    Beavis and Bubba were hilarious this morning.
    
    Mark.
189.42CAMONE::WAYSailors, rest your oars...Fri Oct 14 1994 16:495
>    
>    Beavis and Bubba were hilarious this morning.
>    

Yes, they were.  "Just a minor chubby".....
189.43HANNAH::ASHEand I'm feeeeelin' strong...Fri Oct 14 1994 16:563
    I agree the list of guests is good.  The bits have worn thin on me.
    So has Bernard being Mr. Suckup...
    
189.44Imus has a lot more staying powerTNPUBS::NAZZAROWill edit for foodFri Oct 14 1994 17:334
    On a scale of 1-10, Imus is about a 6 or a 7, while Stern is at best 
    a 2.
    
    NAZZ
189.45MSBCS::BRYDIEI need somebody to shove!Fri Oct 14 1994 17:372
    
      Give me "All Things Considered" any day over Stern or Imus.
189.4624661::LEFEBVRETerrapin Station &gt;&gt; Sgt. PepperFri Oct 14 1994 17:494
    All Things Considered puts me to sleep - not due to subject matter, but
    the monotonic bubbleheads doing the broadcast.
    
    Mark.
189.47CAMONE::WAYSailors, rest your oars...Fri Oct 14 1994 17:521
Is "All Things Considered" on NPR?
189.48yes it isFRETZ::HEISERGrace changes everythingFri Oct 14 1994 18:571
    
189.49SOLANA::MAY_BRAin't no cure for the overseed bluesMon Oct 17 1994 14:412
    
    Ain't ATC on in the PM?