Conference misery::feline_v1

    Two weeks is really early days for a cat with sure an insecure
    backgroup to relax.  I would guess 3 or 4 months would be more like
    it.  I am also inclined to think that she would perceive a new cat
    as a threat and this would make things worse.  Although possibly
    she would mother a kitten.
    
    Lots of cats won't tolerate having their stomachs touched, including
    male cats.  Another no-no area for some cats is the third or so of
    the body near the tail.  Also, if petting goes on so long that the
    cat gets over excited, she may bite for that reason.  (She doesn't
    have an abscess or wound you're inadvertantly touching, does she?
     You did mention a scuffle with another cat.)  I think
    restricting yourself to her head and shoulders and doing what you're
    already doing about not approaching her suddenly is the way to go
    until she feels safer.
    
    Lots of cats (all cats?) also do the running around like maniacs.
     You might try throwing a catnip mouse for her to chase when she's
    in this mood.  (Be careful not to throw it "at" her.)  Standing
    next to you and crying means "love me!"  
    
    I really think things are going to be fine with some more adjustment
    time.
    

    Hi Pam,
    
       About 4 years ago I found in the middle of the road a baby kitten
    which I picked up and took home.  This kitten was not friendly at
    all and would hide all the time and not come out. I would not sit
    in my lap or sleep with me.  I also wanted a lap cat.
    
      Last year I moved in to a house when there was a cat and he mostly
    lived out side, he was afraid to get too close to people and would
    run and hide if you got too close.
    
       I gave both time to get to know me, I did not push for them to
    stay with me any longer than they could.  I would pat each a little
    every time I saw them.  When it was time to feed them I would make
    a big deal over them and then give them there food.  Now I have
    Ralph, who lives out side comeing to meet me when I come home. 
    He rolls all around and wants to be made of.   Little kitty, the
    cat I found now sits in my lap and if I fall asleep on the couch
    will sleep with me.  (the cats are not allowed upstairs where we
    sleep) 
    
      I have two cats that I broght with me to this house and they are
    all good friends now.  It took some time for all of them to learn
    how to get along.
    
      I think you should get a cat if that is what you want to do, but
    know that just because you are getting a new cat does not mean that
    it will sit in your lap.  Cats are very independent and will do
    what they want when they want.  
    
      I am sure if you give Sheba sometime you will have the loveing
    cat you want.
    
      I hope this has helped a little.  Good luck!
    
       Cec

    Pam,  sounds like you are doing everything you can considering the
    situation and I think it should work out fine.  When I first got
    Cali she was just like your Sheba.  She was shy, seemed afraid of
    everything, didn't like to be touched or held and was generally
    a cold cat.  Well, I loved her anyway and with time and lots of
    love (on her terms) she has turned out to be a wonderful cat.  Although
    she is not a lap cat, she is very affectionate in her own way and
    she is very loyal.  She greets me at the door each time I come home
    and if I ever get up at night, she gets up to keep me company. 
    If I am sick, she follows me around to make sure I'm OK.
    
    I feel the shy type of cats are very special.  I really feel good
    to think that she has let me into her life the way she has.  Give
    your kitty some time and she will probably do the same.
    
    I must say that I did feel like you in wanting a cat that was more
    of a lap cat, so I got Sam, to keep Cali company and to sit on my
    lap. I took my time in getting another kitten because I wanted certain
    characteristics.  It had to be very quiet and polite as to not compete
    or upset Cali (since Cali was so shy) and it had to be a bonified
    lap cat.  I waited through two litters of kittens before the breeder
    came up with the perfect cat for us!  It was worth the wait, Cali
    and Sam are now the best of friends and Cali has actually gained
    alot of confidence since we got Sam.  She is his protector and I
    think his lap cat ways are rubbing off on Cali.  She now sits on
    the same couch with me and visits me on the bed during the night.
    She doesn't stay long but it's getting better.  I'll bet you'll
    be saying the same nice things about Sheba in time.  She sounds
    like a kitty with a lot of potential!!
    
    Best of luck!
    
    Jeanne, Cali and Sam
    

    Hi Pam,
    
         Boy, Sheba sounds like Loki was and Fluffy still is ...
    
         I got Loki from a no-kill animal shelter in NYC (Bide-A-Wee).
    When he came, he was shivering he was so frightened.  And he didn't
    like shoes.  Or men.  My theory is that he was kicked or stepped
    on by, perhaps, some boys playing in the alley (or even an adult
    "boy").  It took me a year to get Loki's confidence; he's the most
    loving cat you've ever seen now.  When my husband first moved in,
    it took about six to nine months for Loki to get used to him; now,
    Loki will sleep in the bed between us and loves to get attention
    from my hubby as well as from me.  Loki is now 7 years old, and
    is mellowing out as he gets older.
    
         Fluffy, on the other hand, may always be wild.  He likes to
    be petted and held first thing in the morning, and first thing when
    we come home.  Any other time, you can't pick him up, pet him (he
    play-bites and scratches, though the bites and scratches get less
    playlike the more you pet!); he acts hyperactive, never able to
    stay in one place more than about 2.5 seconds!  He checked out okay
    at the vets (no hyperactive thyroid), so I guess that's just the
    way he is.  He was never abused, just never civilized, I guess!
    Multiple cats don't help Fluff; he picks on Bigfoot and passive
    Loki, just to get attention, though he doesn't want to be pet. 
    Figure that one out!!                               
    
         I would try giving Sheba a bit more time.  If you add another
    cat, try one that, to the best of your knowledge, is peaceful but
    able to defend itself (this is why Fluffy picks on Loki more than
    Bigfoot - Bigfoot will always fight it bothered, but Loki has to
    be cornered first.  He really doesn't like to fight.).  Maybe the
    calmness of the other cat will transfer to Sheba; hopefully Sheba's
    craziness won't transfer to the other cat :-) :-) !!

    If it wasn't for Chauncey, Nikki would never have adapted so fast
    to our home.
    
    Nikki and Chauncey were abandoned together; however, Chauncey was
    very friendly and Nikki very shy; no, Nikki was neurotic and still
    displays those tendencies only to a much lesser extent.
    
    He came into our home a complete basket case, afraid of his own
    shadow, toys, and Dana, my fiance.  I was the only person he liked,
    but Chauncey definitely took first priority.  Nikki worships the
    ground he walks on!  It took Nik a good 4-5 months to feel completely
    at ease in his surroundings, although he still becomes skittish
    when approached too quickly or hears a sudden noise.  He HATES everyone
    except Dana and I, and I never feel 100% comfortable going away
    for long periods of time and leaving him in the hands of a cat-sitter
    (he hides until we come home).
    
    The best part of having Nikki around:  He is the most affectionate
    kitty now, and loves to be petted, brushed, and fussed over.  Although
    neither of my two are lap kitties, Nikki will walk all over us in
    an effort to get attention, settle down in our lap for a minute
    or two, then complete the process all over again.  I am so glad
    we worked with him, and as past replies have indicated, did so on
    his terms, not ours.
    
    My suggestion to you would be to not give up (think of poor Sheba
    - hasn't she been through enough already?).  I vote for another
    cat; a very friendly, outgoing, lap cat to help Sheba adjust.  When
    Nikki saw us lavishing attention all over Chauncey, he'd come rushing
    over, hating to feel left out.  I don't know about Sheba, but Nikki
    feels much more comfortable in the presence of cats than humans
    since he was feral before we adopted him.
    
    Good luck.  Sheba needs more time, but she will adjust.  Be patient
    and your efforts will be rewarded.
    
    /Roberta
    

    Pam, that's very frustrating for all three of you!  My Alexander
    was(still is a little - but he is almost 5) - let her come to you.
    Try not to grab her or hold her.  Just wait - she will need LOTS
    of time to build trust.  If she comes to you, pat or scratch 
    only for a few seconds - she will want more and come more often
    because she will know that you aren't going to make a grab for
    her and put her into a position that she can't handle or one 
    that she feels trapped in.  If she feels free, she will build
    trust. 
    
    Good luck,
    
    Elaine

      I had a similar situation years ago, when I adopted a cat from
    a household that suddenly took on 13 dogs! The poor cat couldn't
    handle all the noise and commotion, it took him a while to calm
    down and realize he was away from the dogs, the noise and craziness.
    He became a most wonderful friend.
      Give Sheba some more time, sounds like she a rough time beforehand.
    
                                   Denise

    Pam, I must agree with all the other replies and can certainly
    sympathize with you.  My cat Brandy came to me as a neurotic, abused
    7 month old, BIG, kitten.  I originally got him to replace the cat
    my roomate lost several months before but she was dating someone
    who bred/raised mastiffs.  These dogs/ponies had the run of the
    house and Brandy had heart failure.  So I kept him.
    
    I already had a 7 month old kitten, Esco.  She intimidated him the
    first night but by the second morning was sharing her food dish
    with him.  My problem was that he was 1) Hid very well, only to
    be seen at feeding time and 2) didn't like to use the box.  I tried
    everything I knew; changed brands of litter, tried newspaper, no
    litter/paper, his own box, outside. But to no avail, his first
    preferance was the tub (kept bathroom door shut) or right NEXT to the box.
    
    I turned to this notesfile in hopes of finding some help for my
    problem.  The most popular reply was to praise him everytime I saw
    him attemping to use the box.  However, I had two strikes against
    me 1) I RARELY saw him go near much less use the box and 2) He fled
    everytime I spoke to him.  So I settled for changing the box every
    3 days.
    
    Brandy also didn't know how to play.  I'd never seen this before
    but he didn't know what to do with ANY of the toys I got him.  Even
    with Esco there to show him, he was a confused little boy.  I tried
    the string, catnip mousies, balls, toys on a string. Naa-da.  He
    just looked at you as if you were going to do something awful to
    him. I tried to pet him and he'd be off and running.  He'd run off
    if you even looked at him.  His one downfall (or is that saving
    grace?) was that he would come to the electric cat caller.  He lives
    to E-A-T!!!
    
    Well, with Esco working with him and me just giving him "his space"
    he started to come around, a little bit at a time.  It's been almost
    a year and a half since I aquired Brandy and you wouldn't believe
    he is the same cat.  He faithfully follows me into the bathroom
    whenever I go and either sits in the window, in the bin with the
    towels.  He doesn't use the tub anymore! YEAH! He uses the box and
    goes outside under supervision.  Early in the morning he either
    sits on my pillow or near me face and waits for me to wake up. 
    Then purrs up a storm. Though recently he's taken to the whiskers
    in the face or head butts to get me up.  He even has in the middle
    of the night, stretched out between Chris and I, wrapped his paws
    around my neck, put his face next to mine and gone to sleep. Brandy
    and Esco love to run around the house at top speed and wrestle like
    a couple of sumo wrestlers.
    
    When I fall asleep on the couch both cats now curl up with me. 
    Though Brandy is the only one who's succeeded in putting my whole
    leg to sleep (he weighs a good 14 lbs).
    
    I think you need to give Sheba some time to settle in.  She's had
    a few traumatic experiences and will need the time to adjust to
    this newest change.  Let her come to you on her own terms. She'll
    soon learn to trust you. Try toys too.  Watch how she plays. You
    may even want to try Pounce or Bonkers as a little treat and talk
    in soothing tones to her while you feed her (if it's possible),
    if not, just lay them down near her.
    
    You may want to give her some time to adjust to you and Kelly before
    adding another furface.  But eventually, I think she'd enjoy the
    company and you'll enjoy the added "excitement" of another cat.
    Two are great.
    
    Well, I've rambled on longer than I intended to.  Good luck and
    keep us posted on your progress.
    
    Roslyn, Esco and Brandy
    
    P.S. You may want to get "How to Live with a Neurotic Cat" for a
    laugh or too.  Helps to ease the frustration.
    

    Thank you for all your helpful stories and ideas!
    
    Based on the consensus, I think we'll hold off on adding another
    cat, although it's a possibility in the future -- I think Sheba's
    now finding it lonely to be alone all day.
    
    Good news, though!  She's coming 'round faster than I'd expected.
    She now:
    
        o comes to the door, meowing, when I come home from work
    	o purrs mightily while I pet her as she winds around my ankles
    		(although she did that one already)
    	o sleeps in my room next to the foot of the bed (and apparently
    		napped on it while I was away this weekend)
    	o lets me pick her up for TWO minutes :-)
    	o and...wonder of wonders... SITS ON MY LAP FOR 20 MINUTES, purring!
    
    I've started a routine when I come home from work (suggested by reply
    .1 or .2, I can't remember) -- fuss over her for about 5 minutes.  Then
    I sit in the dining room on her favorite chair, pat my knee, and up she
    comes!  This started on Tuesday, and it doesn't seem food-related,
    because I feed her right after she gets off my lap (usually when the
    phone rings).  She kneads on my leg, flops down, gets up and flops in
    another position, etc., then flops and purrs. 
    
    It's the cutest thing.
    
    She still occasionally swipes, but it may be due to too much attention.
    I'm trying to watch out for that now. 
    
    Our main problems now are eating plants and jumping up on the dining
    room table, the sink, you name it...!
    
    Thanks again -- Pam 

    Oh, one thing I said makes no sense -- that her post-work enthusiasm
    for me is not food-related even though I feed her right after?
    
    Well, the thought I MEANT to finish writing, but forgot while I
    rushed into the kitchen to save my soup from burning, was that she
    doesn't eat much during the day, and frequently has food still in
    the bowl when I come home.  So she's not like my old neurotic cat
    (called "Kitty"), who, like the kitten in .-1, LIVED TO EAT.  
    
    (BTW, Kitty also didn't know how to play when we got him 18 months ago.
    He improved a lot ("String", "Bra", "Bat-a-Bird", and "Scrunched-up-Wad
    -of-Paper" were his fleeting favorites), but never really got the point
    of it all.  He's the quintessential lap cat -- just likes to sit down
    and purr.) 

    Pam, she may sleep all day - I have some that do that - they are
    night feeders.  Don't even bother to come down in the morning for
    beakies (sorry, breakfast) - they feed later on in the day or in
    the evening through the night.  Don't worry, when she is hungry
    she will eat.
    
    Congratulations, you are doing very well!!!
    
    E.T.