Conference misery::feline_v1

2094.0. "Giggle for the day!" by CRUISE::NDC () Wed Dec 28 1988 10:39

         The following is reprinted without permission from a recent 
     issue of The Patriot Ledger.

     CAT PUSHER WEB AIMS TO ENTRAP THE UNSUSPECTING
     by Stephanie Salter
     
       Unbeknownst to many, a subtle but sinsiter network is alive 
     and thriving out there, constantly preying on the unsuspecting 
     as its vast web entraps and manufacturers thousands of new 
     junkies each day.
     
       I am talking about the cat pushers.
     
       Posing as little old ladies, sensitive men and even smart, 
     together career gals, the cat pushers come in many shapes and 
     disguises.  Although their precise numbers are unknown, from
     all indications they completely dwarf the Mafia in both
     membership and influence, but their primary mission is similar
     to certain elements of the Cosa Nostra:  To hook every man,
     woman and child in America -- on cats.
     
       Ignorant of the cat pushers for decades, I accidentally
     stumbled onto a massive San Francisco connection of them while
     visiting a woman I thought was a friend.
     
       In all honesty, I had for some time been aware of a certain
     weirdness that overcomes people who acquire cats.  Like skiers
     and sailors, cat owners cross into a netherworld once they
     answer the siren's call.
     
       They develop a complex new vocabulary and lose their ability
     to sense when non-cat owners -- or skiers or sailors -- have
     grown glassy-eyed from stories about Puss'ms or late-afternoon
     runs at Snowmass or the time the mast cracked in 20-foot seas.
     
       The recent acquisition of a kitten named Spud, for example,
     nearly has ruined an otherwise solid and sane Yankee pal of
     mine who lives in New York.
       
       "Hear him?" she says in a high-ptched voice while we are
     having a serious phone conversation.  "C'mon, Spud.  Say hi.
     Say hi.  Saaaay hieee."
     
       And yet, such occasional displays notwithstanding, I still
     did not know about the cat pushers.  Since I loathe Garfield
     and fell asleep during CATS, I never suspected that an
     organization like the cat pushers could exist.
     
       But then I'd never been set up before.
     
       Arriving at my friend Carolyn's apartment, I spied a tiny
     gray ball of fluff crouching under the kitchen table and
     recognized it to bo not one of Carolyn's two cats.
     
       "We found her last night in the doorway of a store on Polk
     Street," said Carolyn.  "She was so skinny and starving and
     shivering we had to bring her home.  She can't get enough
     milk.  I guess she got taken away from her mommy too soon.
     I wish we could keep her but we can't.  I'm taking her to
     the SPCA later this afternoon."
     
       The gray ball of fluff -- or GBOF -- was now rubbing softly
     against my ankle.  Estimated to be about 2 months old, the
     GBOF followed us into the living room and, as soon as I was
     settled, somehow managed to jump onto my chest.
     
       "She likes you," said Carolyn as the GBOF nuzzled my neck
     and ears.
     
       "This isn't fair," I said several times as the GBOF moved
     about my person, settling her warm little self in various
     elbow, lap and shoulder pockets.  "I'm not a cat person. 
     I don't want a cat."
     
       After 90 minutes of this, let me tell you, I barely escaped
     Carolyn's aparement sans kitty.  Only by thinking of every
     litter box I've ever encountered could I go.  But I could
     not get the GBOF out of my mind.  At a meeting a few hours
     later, I mentioned the GBOF and that's when I saw the cat
     pushers network revealed.  
      
       "You have to get her. It's serendipity," said Renee, who
     has two cats.  "She found you.  It's fate."
     
       "She'll bring so much joy into your life.  I wish I could
     take her," said Carol, who has three cats.
     
       "Have I ever told you about my cat Cleopatra?" said Phyllis.
     
       Shocked I ran from the room full of cat pushers, but as
     I went, my blood ran cold when I heard Phyllis say the same
     thing Carolyn had pured after I'd shut the door on her and
     the GBOF:
     
         "We'll get her.  Its just a matter of time."
     
     (Stephanie Salter is a columnist for the San Francisco Examiner)

    That was precious.  
    
    That's also how I ended up with DejaVu and Thunder too.
    
    But I'm glad I did.
    
    

    Thanks for the reply.  I was wondering if anyone had read it.  I
    thought it was hysterical!
      Nancy DC
    

    That WAS funny, and true.  That's about how I got Billie.  I've
    always been a cat person, but so  many moves and lifestyle changes
    happened that I didn't have a cat for a long time.  But one day
    as I was picking up my laundry at the 'mat (a cold and rainy day,
    too), this cute half-grown gray kitty ran up to me, meowing and
    purring loudly at me.  Without thinking, I held my arms out, and
    up she came, purring all the way.  I asked around if anyone owned
    her;  nope.  I couldn't just LEAVE her there, could I?!  So I put
    her in the car, stopped once for litter, a box, a bowl, and food,
    and that was THAT.  Then later in the month I had to move to a larger
    apartment--well, she needed more space and better surroundings.
    
    Now, 10 years later, I have her, a new house, and a new husband.
    Now, I don't say that *all* these changes happened just because
    of Billie, but I wouldn't be at all surprised. ;-)
    
    Jane

    Funny, now that you mention it, back in October I was talking to
    E.T. and mentioned I was thinking about adding to the household
    sometime in the future.  Well, E.T. knew this woman who was looking
    for homes for some of her cats, and would I be interested, and I
    said yes, and I called,  and one thing led to another and suddenly 
    --- poof!!  Dream and Boogie!! 
    
    Mary-Michael

    Re .4
    
    Gosh, E.T. would be the last person I would talk to if I considering
    upping cat max.  Next thing you'd know, I'd also have 15 cats. ;')

    Naw, not me - actually, the count is now  16  .
    
    I have a Rex - he is the sweetest animal going.  He has no idea
    he is a cat - he looks like either a kangaroo, a zebra, or a horse.
    My daughter thinks he looks like a mongoose (sp?) or a ferret.
    Picture a brown classic tabby Rex.  He hugs & actually uses his
    lips and gives kisses.  He wraps his arms right around your neck
    and hugs.  He uses his paws like hands.   His name is Terror.
    He is just a little bundle of love !!
    
    E.T._the_inn_is_full - guess I didn't say it loud eough!

    Did Stephanie do an update on what happened to the GBOF?
    
    Is she hooked?
    
    Kate

    I haven't seen any update on the GBOF.  If there is one I'll be
    happy to type it in.........