Conference misery::feline_v1

    Had to find a hankie before I oculd reply.
    
    You are helping by just letting her talk about it.Too bad
    you are physically close. Hugs work wonders.
    
    Sharing good memories helps to ease the pain too.
    
    A little later I woudl suggest a "gift certifcate" for a 
    new friend. The time depends on the person. 
    

    This might help some:
    
    There is a very touching book, _Charlesm, The Story of a Friendship_,
    written by the late Michael Joseph (a British publisher), which
    was published a few years ago in paperback in the United States.
    It is an extremely moving story of Mr. Joseph and his cat, Charles
    (the photos in the paperback are of a nice little Siamese, but he's
    not Charles [I have the original British hardcover and saw the Charles
    photos]).  At the end, when Charles passes on, Michael Joseph has
    some words of comfort; partially for himserlf, but they're worth
    reading when you've lost one of your own.
    
    Steve Kallis, Jr. 

    
    Dear Sherman, with tears in my eyes as I type this, I think if you
    gave her a copy of Note 842.0 to read, she'd feel your consolement
    and loss also!
    
    Pat
    

    To touch us the way you did Sherman and put tears in our eyes you
    should know that your note is more then probably what you could
    say to her.  I go with Pat.  Let her see a copy of your note and
    she'll know that you truely understand and are feeling a loss also.
    Knowing that someone truely understands how you feel and wants so
    desperately to try and help are the best ways to console someone.
    
    I'd say do all three.  Buy her the book, give her a certificate
    but definitely show her your note.  It is beautiful and so
    compassionate.
    
                                 I hope the intensity of both of your
                                 feelings of loss and helplessness 
                                 diminish in the near future.
    
    KIM, Malcolm, Angus, & 3-way
    

    This really hit me hard.
    
    My parents cat is 18 years old and is almost ready for feline heaven,
    although I can not empathize with Leslie now, I am sure I will someday
    soon.
    
    My heart goes out to both of you.
    
    Linda

    I am sitting here with tears in my eyes over 842.0.  This is another
    vote to give it to your friend.  I might make another suggestion
    as well.  This is a suggestion that is from my experience losing
    the few human and feline friends I have lost.  I don't know if it
    will work with others, but it has worked for me.
    
    Talk to your friend about the loss.  Reminisce about the good and
    happy memories of the Bootser.  Memories can be very consoling.
    It might do some real good to sit down and remember some especially
    silly or humorous experiences that were shared with the cat.  Remember
    the good and the happy.  It definitely serves to console.
    
    That's all I can offer.  Good luck.
    
    Denise Simon
    

    When I lost my 16 year old Jet I was devastated and didn't have
    anyone to talk to about it. My grief over Jet was just as real as
    for a human, but because she wasn't human I was never allowed to
    go through the normal mourning and grief "modes" that one normally
    goes through when losing a loved one, and are necessary to adjusting
    to the loss.
    
    The best thing that you can do is let your friend know that if she
    ever wants to talk about it, you are there. And that it is all right
    for her to talk about it.
    
    Deb
    P.S.  You sound like a wonderful person to have for a friend.

    I lost my Missy just over a year ago after 20 years of friendship.
    I still miss her alot, but I now think of her as almost a legend.
    She and I traveled all over the continent and I have enough cutesy
    "missy on the airplane" and "Missy in the hotel" and "Missy and
    my luggage lost" stories to last a lifetime.  Tell your friend that
    when the pain of the loss has gone, she will find that her furry
    friend is still very much present in her heart and to my mind that's
    a mighty good place to have her.  Yup, that Missy - no finer a cat
    has ever snagged pantyhose!
    
    Marion
    
    BTW - Did I ever tell you about the time the hotel was burning down
    and missy and I were out on the ledge and missy WANTED TO GET DOWN!

What a wonderful, caring friend you are -- I too had to search for my
hanky.  

This spring we had to make a decision on what to do with our Fluffy -- he
was fourteen years old -- luckily my step-daughter was visiting the weekend
I had to take him to the vet to see what could be done.  It was her cat since
she had been a baby. 

The vet went over everything and in the end recommended we put him to sleep.  
We each held him for a while and then we laid him on the table with our arms 
around him -- he looked up and licked our hands and purred to the last second.
I think he knew we were taking him out of his pain and tried to let us know
it was ok.  

We brought him home and my husband built a beautiful grave near his 
favorite sunning spot -- 

We pulled all his pictures together and made a collage for my step-daughter
to help her through this. While doing this we cried, we chuckled and we
reminisced.
  
My heart goes out to your friend and like the previous noter mentioned,
fond memories will be there -- and in time, chuckles.  

    Time, it takes time, and it helps a lot to have someone to talk
    to, even on the phone.  I know she probably doesn't want tto think
    about this now, but in the future, another cat.....  When my Pussycat
    died, I couldn't have another cat for awhile, due to the contagion
    problem;  he'd gotten leukemia after 8 years as an indoor cat. 
    By the time the required waiting time had passed, the dread of
    'replacing' Pussycat was balanced by wanting to fill the Grand
    Canyon-sized hole in the house that came from not having a cat there.
     so I got Sweetie, was is just about the most wonderful, sweet,
    intelligent cat imaginable.  And if I hadn't adopted him, he'd almost
    certainly have been put to death at the shelter.  She can save a
    life;  her first puss would like that, I'm sure.
    

    My eyes are still wet writing this.  I agree with everyone else
    who has said to keep in contact and remember with your friend. 
    When anyone we love has died and left us, seems like we want to
    talk about them--to feel them with us.  And mostly people want NOT
    to talk;  like it's going to hurt you more.  Talk with your friend,
    get her to talk about how she's feeling.  Grief is MUCH easier to
    get over if you can express it in words as well as tears.
    
    I lost my first kitty, Henny, when I was a sophomore in college,
    and she'd been my best friend since I was six.  I wasn't with her
    when my mom had to take her to the vet's--she was just so old and
    sick there was no other choice at the time.  It was very tough to
    get over missing her.  My current kitty, Billie, is 10, and I love
    her so much I get tears in my ears when I think of ever losing her.
    But bear in mind something I read (wish I could remember where I
    read it from) once about loving and losing pets:  "We love our animals
    and grieve when we lose them.  We love our pets in order to keep
    ON loving pets--no animal can totally replace another;  that's as
    it should be.  But how happy our pets would be to know that in loving
    them, our hearts are open to love others.  Love never ends."
    
    Good luck to you, and to your friend.  Please keep us posted.
    
    Jane
    
    and risk their 
    

        Sherm, share this whole topic (your note and all the replies)
        with her if you want.  And if you really think it will help,
        go visit in person.  But definitely stay in contact, and let
        her know that you care.  In the end, that can be the thing
        that's most important.
        
        My condolences..
        
        Tom

    ...sorry--don't know how those last few words got in there!
    
    J

    Took me some time to lose the most of a "blown out of the water"-
    feeling. Only thing I can say is that I agree with the previous
    notes. Seems to me you're likely one of the few people around her
    that really understands how much of a loss this is.
    
    Too many people I know only would say things like "ah well, it's
    only a CAT, you can allways buy yourself another". 
    
    Loosing a friend who's been with you for so long a time, whether
    human or feline, (or canine or so what for that matter), is
    devastating.
    
    Sharing your memories with somebody who knows and cares gives you
    courage. Time is what you need, to learn how to value the memories.
    The memories *will* be with you for the rest of your life. Nothing
    can ever take it from you.
    
    There's not much to say now. Just sit down and be sad. Being sad
    together is more comfort than all "encouraging" remarks.
    
    Regards,
    Ad

    I too am writing this with tears in my eyes.  Your story is so moving.
    Please share it with your friend.  I can certainly emphathize with
    her.   This past March I lost my 13 1/2 year old Snoopy, after 5
    years of battling diabetes.  I was totally lost without him.  I
    still miss him very much; he was so special.
    
    Tell your friend to try to remember the special things that Tiki
    would do (like drinking out of the bathtub faucet).  And, remember
    that as long as you hold Tiki in your hearts, he'll always be with
    you.  
    
    Sympathy and love from,
    
    Ande, Sherlock and Serena

               

    Hello everyone,
    
    This is my first day back since entering my note.  My apologies for
    the time lag.  I want to thank you wonderful people for all of your
    caring and helpful responses.  I will take you up on your offers
    to send everything put here to Leslie in California.
    
    I have not spoken to her since last I wrote this, but that is at
    her request.  She would like at least a week to deal with the
    emptiness and great sense of loss.  At last conversation she was
    having a very hard time returning home and not seeing Tiki at the
    rounding of each new corner of the house.  Our conversations were
    strained, maybe this will give her time to take in that deep breath,
    and come to grips.  However, I still feel (as I know her) that 
    attempting to deal with it on her own will be a difficult task for
    her.  I know that it will be a warm surprise for her to receive
    all the kindness that has been input here.
    
    I will respect her wishes.  Leslie is more than some, a very ultra-
    sensitive person.  She is an elementary school teacher, this being her
    her first actual year as a full fledged teacher with a fresh Masters
    degree still in her clutch.  She lives for children, and the children,
    especially those she will spend the entire school year with, will always
    provide her with a joy and special purpose in life.  As long as she has
    her boys and girls, they will unwittingly ease her mind and provide
    her the pleasant distraction she will need in order to heal from within.
    
    I wish I could give this notesfile to her.  The people here
    possess a special level of heartfelt sensitivity largely because of
    the special relationships with our friends in fur, and it's endearing
    to see and witness how this sensitivity and kindness can reach out
    to those grieving the loss of their little friends, who are, after
    all, "our" little friends also.  It's so easy to relate.
    
    I'll keep in touch in this particular note and let everyone know
    how Leslie is and pass her thoughts on to you.  Thank you again,
    and may everyone and their little companions enjoy the best of times.
    
    Sherman
    
    
    

    Many on this notes file know how your friend feels - My oldest cat
    was 17 when he died and my teenaged children never remembered life
    without him.  Understanding, caring friends (like you) are a great
    help.
    
    One of our engineers (aged 24 and living at home) lost a 22 year
    old cat about a year ago and his whole family was devistated.  His
    mother said she would never have another cat - EVER!  That, by luck
    and the grace of God, only lasted for two weeks.  A kitten, in looks,
    actions and personality very unlike 'Mistletoe' (aka Misty) appeared
    at their house looking for a handout.  Of course 'Gumbo' didn't
    take Misty's place, no kitty can, but it did help ease the grief
    and memories of Misty were only of the good times and they missed
    her a little less with the new member of the family.  If possible,
    instead of a gift certicate, take her a kitty - and maybe a bit
    before she feels like she wants another.  I can almost guarantee
    a new baby would steal her heart.  It won't be Tiki, but one thing
    good about humans is that they have an unlimited capacity for love
    and I'm sure could love another kitty just as much, even if not
    in the same way.
    
    Heavens, I need to get a new box of tissues - keep us informed -
    we all wish her the best and feel her loss.
    
    Ellen
    

This is a tough one for me to write.  I sat reading 842 with tears in 
my eyes (not too cool in the office).  It seems an awful coincidence, 
but I lost my 19 year old female Blue-Point Siamese, Lucky, this past summer.
It's very difficult losing a friend you've come to know over so many 
years.  I didn't see her too much the last few years, because I got 
married and couldn't have pets where we were living.  Also, by then 
she was blind, and taking her away from my parents (especially my 
mother who lavished love on her and got lavished in return) and into a 
new environment seemed rather cruel. But she was a remarkable old cat, 
a true creature of habit and very affectionate in her Siamese way.  She 
screened my boyfriends from the kitchen stove (and yes, the man I 
married was the only one she liked).  She wouldn't let my mother 
vaccuum the carpet without vaccuuming her as well.  She "talked" to 
us, and made her presence felt and her opinions known.  It's been a 
very quiet house without her.  Our only joy was that she went 
relatively painlessly in her sleep, after a short illness.

My mother will eventually get another Siamese, I'm sure.  I'll be living 
in a condo (hopefully) by Christmas, and want a pair of Siamese if we 
can afford them.  If you've had a Siamese, and you've loved them (as 
only they let you) you know there's no substitute.

Tell you friend to hang in there, and to get another Siamese.

That's what King would have wanted.

Mary-Michael Cochrane

    I'm so so sorry about Lucky, but wasn't she lucky to have such love
    for all those years.
    
    About being able to afford Siamese -- several of the times I've
    been at local animal shelters (I don't go often;  I come home wracked
    up for weeks) I've seem wonderful Siamese kitties there.  Once a
    mother and her litter and once a tiny, tiny part Siamese part Tabby
    kitty -- all white with Siamese markings except for a faint tabby
    M on her forehead.
    

    I can't imagine how bad you feel, but I've come close. We lost a
    kitten awhile ago (description is elsewhere) so my sympathies to
    all involved.
    
    I too am suprised at how expensive siamese cats can be. My wife
    and I are starting a Siamese cattery - let me know if you will be
    looking for kittens in the May-June timeframe.
    
    Bryan

    This is also too close to home for me.  My wonderful Cassie will
    be 20 years old in March.  How much longer am I going to have her?
    Selfish of me I know but I just couldn't think of what to say. 
    I sincerely feel for her grief but I also feel it's to close to
    me.
    
    

    The following verse was sent to me (by my vet) when my best friend died
    recently: 
    
      We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary
       than our own live within a fragile circle, easily and often breached.
    
      Unable to accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way.
    
      We cherish memory as the only certain immortality, never fully
       understanding the necessary plan...
                                       
                                 "The Once Again Prince"  Irving Townsend
                
  
    Losing a long-time friend is really hard.  I understand the sorrow.
    
    Mary Jo
     

    Re: -1  Thanks Mary Jo, quite remarkable with the coincidental timing
            as I have a response from Leslie to type in here.  She just
            returned to California after a 10 day visit here in Colorado.
            I'll have to send her your response.
    
    Leslie has asked me to convey the following:
    
    Dear Feline noters,
    
    I was quite speechless when I received a copy of your responses
    to Tiki's passing.  It was quite unexpected, but the unexpected
    brought warm regards.  I want to thank everyone from the bottom
    of my heart for the kind and caring responses and suggestions. 
    I have read them many times over since I received them.  I haven't
    been able to find the book suggested by Mr. Kallis, but I'll keep
    looking as I do love cat stories.
    
    I was very depressed over Tiki's passing.  He had long ago surpassed
    being my friend, he became a part of me, a very dear addition to
    my heart and soul.  It was hard, so very hard to accept the fact
    that he was gone.  I've come to grips, and I have at this time
    not been able to yet accept the prospect of, as Sherman would say,
    another "friend in fur."  At this time, the memory of Tiki is very
    strong.
    
    But it is with such heartwarming delight to have in my keepsake,
    all of your replies.  I wish I could be a part of the FELINE world.
    There are wonderful people there.  I am very glad Sherman sought
    help there, as I was unaware of his predicament.  All is better
    for the effort.  I thank you again, and wish you the best in the
    New Year.  Digital is all the richer to have such wonderful people
    representing them.
    
    Sincerely,
    
    Leslie Willcoxen