Conference back40::soapbox

 When my now 19 year old son was about 3 or so he loved fire trucks/police
 cars/ambulances..he'd walk around going "woo woo woo" for the sirens, and
 blinked his eyes to simulate the flashing lights.

 


 Jim

    
    
    	BWWWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAH! Oh jeezus, I'm dyin' here....:*)
    
    

    I'll never forget the look on my classmate's face (4th grade)
    when I told her my parent's anniversary was April 14th and
    my birthday was April 15th (but I neglected to say five years
    later).

    BFD

    
    	big fire dept? big flowering daisy?
    
    

    8)

    .0  ROTFLMAO tears in my eyes, even.
    
    
    Mike
    

    When my son, then 2, now 20, was asked what he wanted for Christmas he
    always replied "Hulk in Rage Cage" (for those not familiar, the hulk
    was in a cage and the child would blow him up using a hand pump. The
    hulk's shirt would rip and he would blast the cage apart). That is all he 
    wanted and come to find out was also what every little boy wanted at the 
    time. We finally found one a few days before Christmas at a great sale 
    that forced us to pay double the price. We were so happy. On Christmas 
    morning my son got out of bed and ran downstairs looking only for one 
    thing. When he found it he and I put it together and I helped him pump
    it up. When the Hulk broke out, my son screamed and ran upstairs in
    terror, I'll never forget the look on his face. We had to hide the toy 
    from his sight, in order to enjoy the remainder of Christmas day. 
                                          

    When my son was 2, I decided to decorate everything on Christmas Eve,
    so he'd be surprised in the morning.

    At 5:30am, I was awake but he was sound asleep.  He slept until 6:00am,
    then 6:30am - and finally, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I woke him up.

    He saw the decorations and presents and I said, "Look - what's this????"

    He gave me this confused look (as though he wasn't quite sure what
    planet I'd come from) and said, "It's Ch'ismas."  (Boy, did I feel
    dumb for not knowing.)  :/

    My dad was in my parents' bathroom setting up the recharger on his
    calculator when my son toddled in one day.

    My son said, "Granpa, what're you doing?"

    Dad said, "I'm feeding my numbers machine."

    My son stood on his tiptoes and peeked over the counter and said,
    "Oh, you're recharging your calculator" and walked away.

    (My Dad just kinda stood there with his jaw towards the floor.)  :/

    The look on all the faces on our guests when,,,
    
    After my Father gave a great toast for my 21st birthday, turned to my
    Mother and said  "Just think dear, this time next month, we will be
    married 20 years"
    
    
    joan 

    I'll never forget the look on my son's face when I broke down our
    bathroom door with a baseball bat.
    
    It was locked and I couldn't get in... 

Wuzze over 12 yet?

    I'll never forget the look on my father's face when he called
    to confirm the limo reservation the day before my wedding and
    the gentleman on the other end said,
    
    "Yup! Scanlon! Funeral right?  The hearse is all set for 10 AM!"

I'll remember the look in my Dad's and brother's eyes, and they said 
they'll never forget the look in my eyes.

c. 1970-72

Dad, Mom, Mark and I are sitting at the dinner table.  Dad is drinking 
his everpresent can of Budweiser.  I understand cans.  My mom worked for 
Heekin Can all her adult life.  Dad finished his beer and still had it in 
his hand.  And for no reason I could fathom, he blew up at my brother.  
Mark hadn't done anything to warrant the tongue lashing he was getting.

After about 30 seconds, my Dad said something to the effect, "This is 
what I'm going to do to you!"  He then proceeded to crush the beer can in 
his right hand.  

HOLY CRIMINY!  I knew cans.  You just don't up and crush a steel, 
3-piece, soldered-seam can in one hand.  I mean, he crushed it as if it 
were only aluminum foil.

At that point, Dad and Mark broke into laughter.  I'll never forget the 
look in their eyes as my Mom explained the brand-new "drawn and ironed" 
line at the Newtown plant.  Welcome to the world of 2-piece, aluminum 
cans.

    
      My boss of two years back, when he had to lay off 5 of his 7 reports.
    
      I was the last to be notified.  He looked close to suicide.
    
      bb

                                                      
    Mom was putting dinner out as we all sat down to the table.
    From his high chair my (then) 2-year-old brother spotted one bowl
    and insisted on being served some "meh-meh" (Duane-speak for vanilla
    ice cream), having recently been introduced to the new food.  After
    repeated denials that this particular item on the table was "meh-meh,"
    and Duane's rising indignation that he wasn't getting his share, the
    family agreed to let him learn of his error in a direct way.
    
    I'll never forget the look on his face after he eagerly filled his
    mouth with a huge spoonful of cottage cheese.
    

    <- Ha! That reminds me of the time that we were having chocolate
    pudding for dessert, with whipped cream. And my youngest brother kept
    going on and on about getting a lot of whipped cream on his pudding. So
    my other brother and I loaded the pudding up with sour cream. It was
    great. He was so psyched getting so much, and he tore into it with
    gusto. "Isn't it good?" I asked, as he went for his second spoonful.
    "Yeah," he smiled. After the second spoonful, he got this funny look on
    his face. "Heeeeey! This isn't whipped cream!" Great facial expression.
    :-)

    
    great doctah, no he's probably been scarred for life because of you.

I'll always remember the look on my youngest son's face when he was 
3 years old.

We had a dinner party.  The boys (3 and 4) were in their rooms for 
the duration.  I served a tossed salad and placed a half dozen 
1x1x.5 inch cubes of blue cheese on plate to be passed around.  
There were only three takers.  At the end of the salad course, I 
removed the plate of cheese to the kitchen.

Toward the end of the dinner, we had the boys come out to say 
goodnight to our guests.  After having done so, they trotted through 
the kitchen (which was visible from the dinning room) to scarf up 
any remaining goodies.  Brent (3-year old) picked up one of the 
cubes of blue cheese, shoved the whole thing in his, and chomped 
down.  He proceeded to display a hilarious look of disgust and spit 
the cheese out on the floor and then tried to clean his mouth out 
with his sleeve.

His older, and wiser brother, having seen this, decided on a 
different approach.  He picked up a cube of the cheese and nibbled a 
microscopic bite from one corner, winced, and proceeded to put the 
cheese back on the plate.

His younger brother got this look of amazement on his face.  It was 
as if he was thinking, "Good God, man!  That's food!"  He grabbed 
the cheese from his brother's hand, shoved it in his mouth, chomped, 
once, displayed a hilarious look of disgust, spit it out on the 
floor, and then tried to clean his mouth out with his sleeve.

At this point, my dinner party lost it.  For this display, and other 
reasons, my wife and I though our 3-year would never see 5.  To this 
day we are amazed he has made it to 13.

I wish I could have seen MY face, when I brought <namewitheld> home on
Friday night after wining, dining, dancing etc. and she said to me, "When
do you have to go back to work?" I said "Monday." She said "Well, we have
until then." 

I have special memories of North Carolina.

    
    	RE: -1
    
    	Nothing could be finer
    	than to be in Carolina
    	in the morning.
    

    
    
    	I'll never forget the look on my grandmother's face when
    	she realized what her four, completely whacked out sons
    	had done.  One of those crazy men being my father.  =)
    
    	After my grandfather died in '90, she decided to sell the
    	house because she couldn't afford the upkeep.  So the whole
    	family got together one weekend to clean out the house.  We're
    	in the cellar clearing out some of her clothes (the "clothes 
    	horse" gene got passed on to me) and my dad and uncles find 
    	some of her old work-out wear; some tights and bodysuits.  Bear
    	in mind that it's very early spring, cold, and raining.  What do
    	these four grown men do?  They take the bodysuits and put them 
    	on OVER their jeans and flannel shirts, then put the tights on
    	their heads.  Needless to say the rest of the family is laughing
    	so hard we have tears coming out of our eyes.  They proceed to
    	walk out of the cellar.  I'm trying to tell my grandmother this
    	but she's laughing so hard she isn't listening to me.  The men
    	come back few minutes later, look at their mother and say 
    	"Mom, your neighbors aren't very nice.  They were pointing and us
    	 and looking at us funny"
    
    	She gets this horror-stricken look on her face and says
    	"You boys went out FRONT dressed like that!!??  I'm so glad I'm
    	  moving!!"
    
    	I won't begin to tell you what they did just recently after 
    	she died and cleaned out her apartment.  =)
    

Re: .22 - My 23 was a lot more innocent than her 28. On Monday I was much
          older, and Carolina was finer.

    A few years ago, we were visiting friends who had an outdoor pool.  We
    were sitting in chairs on the patio next to the pool, enjoying pleasant 
    conversation, while the 2 year olds - my son and a girl were sitting on 
    the edge of the pool with their feet in the water. 
    
    Suddenly I heard my son yell.  I looked down into the pool and saw his 
    face with *very* large eyes staring at me.  Reaching down, I grabbed
    his outstretched arm and yanked him out of the water before he had the
    chance to get a mouthful.  Instead, I gave him an earful.

    
    Dave, lucky you were right there, or it could have turned tragic in
    a hurry.

    
    
    I'll never forget the look on my son's face as he was running towards
    me from inside a dense thicket of hemlock trees.
    
    We were small-game hunting in Pittsburg, N.H. and were struggling
    through this same thicket when he walked within three feet of a 1,000
    pound bull moose.
    
     The thing snorted at him, just to let him know he was there... and out
    this poor kid ran...
    
     Oh, the look!!
    

    
    
    	Hey, my dad used to hunt in Pittsburgh NH!
    

Judy, are you sure he didn't hunt in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania?
There's no "h" in the one in NH.

    
    
    	oopps.  =)  it's definitely NH
    

My cousin and I were "blowing things up" with humongous fireworks one day
(humongous=bigger than M80s), mostly around the abandoned house next door
to my mother's house. As a final "kicker" I stuck the fuse of one real
ripper (don't remember their name, but they were *lethal*) into the butt
end of a lit cigarette, laid it on the floor and we beat feet back to my
mother's house.

Just a minute or two later the Westport PD cruiser came crawling up our
street, with the officer very obviously looking around. He pulled over
and stopped right in front of the abandoned house, and picked up the radio
mike. Just then the burning cigarette lit the fuse, which did its thing,
and a delightful WHAM shook dust of the old house seams and flapped the
curtains out the broken windows. The officer jumped out of the cruiser,
ran around the empty house... and (naturally) found nothing. My cousin
and I were in stitches, ROTFL, watching all this. 

Well, to tell the truth. Sergeant Massey was no stranger to our
neighborhood, and knew exactly where I lived. He sauntered over and
knocked on my mother's door. I opened the door in stocking feet with an
open school book in my hand, a TOTALLY innocent look on my face. 

"Have you seen any kids around here with fireworks?" he said. I said
"Fireworks? They're illegal, aren't they?"

He took off his hat, wiped the sweat off his head, sighed and gave me
THE LOOK. Priceless look. He said, "Well *if* you should see anyone doing
that, tell them I'll kick there ass all the way down the street if I
catch them." "Yes, sir, Mr. Massey, I sure will." 

My cousin was peeing his pants.

Art

    
    A construction company was putting a gas pipeline through the field
    next to our house.  every night we would play around the construction
    site, although forbidden to do so.   One evening we climbed aboard a
    large earthmover, only pretending to drive the thing until Mark
    touched together two wires and the engine exploded into life.
    
    It was in gear, and began chugging along right away.  We were 8 and 9
    and it seemed to be going awfully fast and we were a way off the
    ground.   Mark finally bailed out - right into the nettles and was
    stung from bumhole to breakfastime.  Too scared to jump, I stayed on as
    the machine left the field and careered through our neighbour's yards
    wrecking hedges, fences or sheds and crushing a rabbit hutch.
    
    Dad was pretty philosophical about the whole thing, but the punishment
    was apt.  I'll never forget his face as he returned from surveying the
    damage.  I'll never forget my brother's face as he hit those nettles.
    But most of all, I'll never forget Mark's face when about a week later
    - after the dust had settled - he was hit by a fit of hysteria when
    he thought about our little adventure.
    
    "Bloody hell", he screamed with laughter. "Your face as you tried to
    steer that tractor.....".  He still kids me about it 30 years later.
    

    I was working on a farm in Hollis NH as a yout. I was 15 at the time,
    and there were three of us "older" kids working in a tomato field one
    sunny saturday morning in late september. I was about 60 feet from the other
    two guys. A tomato sailed by my head. I sent one back. pretty soon it
    was a full fledge melee, with tomatoes flying _everywhere_. And we
    aren't just winging 'em at each other, we're throwing them at each
    others' bushel boxes (green tomatoes are picked into apple boxes).
    We're busting the sides out of each other's boxes, and I hear the truck
    pulling up the road. 
    
     "TRUCK!"
    
     "Oh, <r.o.!> Here comes the boss' ornery brother.
    
     The pickup pulls up next to them. 
    
     "How's it goin'?" "Pretty good." "What's the matter with that box," he
    says, pointing to one of the guys' boxes with a busted out side and
    green tomato splattered all over it. "I dunno," Pete answers. "How'd
    the tomato splatter on the side?" "Well, I think some were soft and
    splattered when I went to drop them into the box," he lies. The
    incredulous look on Paul's face sent me into apoplexy. Then his face
    softened and he grinned, "Looks like a case of tomato osmosis to me."
    I nearly peed my pants I was laughing so hard. Literally. Pretty soon
    they started laughing, too.
                                                   

    
    	I wish I'd seen the look on my parents' faces when ...
    
    	My sister took my 2.5 year old brother down to play on the
    	beach.  He had a great time, but got a bit of sand in his diaper.
        My parents had an evening party planned, with around 20 guests
    	attending.  Noreen brought my brother back up to the house, changed
    	him, and brought him down to see everyone.  One of the women
    	asked, "How are you JJ?" to which my brother replied loudly, "My
    	penis hurts!"
    
    	

    
    
    	Hey.......... I don't have one of those!  =)
    
    
    	JJ
    

    
    	[Nails fingers AND toes to desk]
    

Shawn, you can still type a reply.  After all, _you_ have one.

I thought it was for writing your name in the snow. Typing? Hmmm.

    But isn't he holding the hammer with it?

No, the hammer's in his mouth, preventing him from using his tongue or nose
to type.

    
    	r54te3w2: .l3e4r7u8i
    
    	i8u7 defro9i8nhbg'[t5r4 t5r4hygti8u7nhbgkiju t5r4hygtaqswt5r4
    	w2q1i8u7lokiloki w2q1o9i8r4e3kiju t5r4o9i8o9i8 w2q1e3w2lokiloki,k
    	cdxso9i8nhbgswaqi8u7deswe3w2r4e3i8u7nhbggtfr hygto9i8w2q1
    	bgvfi8u7gtfr t5r4hygti8u7swaq t5r4hygti8u7nhbggtfr i8u7swaq.l
    

    
    	Eesh, what a mess.  It was pretty tough trying to press only 1
    	key at a time.
    

    
    imagine how tough it would have been to press *2* keys at once...
    
    
    :>
    

>    	r54te3w2: .l3e4r7u8i
>    
>    	i8u7 defro9i8nhbg'[t5r4 t5r4hygti8u7nhbgkiju t5r4hygtaqswt5r4
>    	w2q1i8u7lokiloki w2q1o9i8r4e3kiju t5r4o9i8o9i8 w2q1e3w2lokiloki,k
>    	cdxso9i8nhbgswaqi8u7deswe3w2r4e3i8u7nhbggtfr hygto9i8w2q1
>    	bgvfi8u7gtfr t5r4hygti8u7swaq t5r4hygti8u7nhbggtfr i8u7swaq.l
    
translation:

re .37

I don't think that
will work too well,
considering how
big this thing is.

    
    	<ahem>
    

Shawn, use a pencil sharpener.

    
    	RE: .44 [Gerald]
    
    	Eesh, what a dirty mind ... how'd you ever get a coherent sent-
    	ence out of that mess??
    

    
    	And I wish I were a better typist ... this hunt and pecker
    	method is for the birds.
    

-): -): -): -):  -): -): -):  -): -):-): -):  -):

>  -): -): -): -):  -): -): -):  -): -):-): -):  -):


I'm trying to figure out whether this is supposed to be more of this last
diversion or a smiley of someone who grew up near Chernobyl.

    
    
    During a break from mowing one hot July afternoon Dad came into
    the kitchen to cool off and have something to drink.
    He opened the refrigerator, took out a two-quart bottle, and
    proceeded to chug what he thought was his favorite: apple juice.
    
    I'll never forget the look on his face after he had drunk about half.
    To be fair to Mom, she *had* taken the sticker off the jug, but she
    really should have relabeled it and told him it was salad oil.
    

    >   I'll never forget the look on _____'s face when...
    
    my dog wandered into a crowded room, phaarted loudly, whipped around,
    stared at her rear end, looked at us, "woofed!" loudly, and wandered
    back out of the room.
    
    Our (at the time) pastor turned red, and stared at the floor,
    Thanksgiving dinner forgotten.
    
    I gave up the struggle, and guffawed uncontrollably.
    
    needless to say I think my ticket to heaven has been punched.

    thank you for sharing

Why would someone refrigerate vegetable oil?

    so it couldn't spoil before the orgy that night.

    
    I used to work in a cafeteria at Raytheon. Didn't last long.
    One of mu duties was to make the coffee. So I put in the grounds
    and opened the spigot. Then I took my break completely forgetting
    to monitor it and turn it off.
    
    I suddenly heard a loud explosion as the top of the coffee maker
    exploded, blowing a large hole in the suspended ceiling, and spraying
    everyone I worked with with and all the food they had prepared
    with fresh hot coffee.
    
    The looks on their faces led me to the quick conclusion that
    my life may be in danger. Thankfully, my boss fired me on the spot
    and I got the hell outa there as quickly as I could.
    
    							Hank
    
    ps. I was a mechanic for a week also.

    The "Patriot" surface-to-air coffee urn, a secret weapon in the Gulf
    War.

    
    > The "Patriot" surface-to-air coffee urn, a secret weapon in the Gulf
    > War.
    
    	Yup. Strange thing was I found it so funny I couldn't stop
    	laughing which only served to enrage everyone even more.
    	But I'll tell ya, what a sound. First a loud bang, then the sound
    	of something like a pipe spraying,  followed by screams followed
    	by swears as the food got wrecked and everyone received
    	a coffee coating followed by me laughing.
    
    	I just didn't take that job seriously.
    
    	And no, no one was hurt.

    > I just didn't take that job seriously.
    
    >  And no, no one was hurt.
    
    A good philosophy: don't take your job seriously, and no one gets hurt!

    Cadillac.
    
    \hth

    When my daughter cought her first fish yesterday. Her eyes dancing
    along with her feet as she was prancing around me and the flooping in
    the grass fish. I had to carefully and quickly take the hook out of its
    mouth with out hurting it and put it back into the water. It was a
    yellow perch. And it was good size and such, but still didn't want to
    bring it home to the cats. The river we cought it in is rather
    questionable. Suprised the fish didn't have three eyes vs two like in
    the Simpsons.;) Just the same, Waching Eva jump up and down and squeel
    with delight is worth every moment of it all.:)
    
    

    Re .54
    
    I have no idea why Mom put it in the fridge.
    
    I asked her afterwards why, and she mumbled something
    about wanting to keep it cold, but didn't any particular
    reason.
    

    This has definitely been one of the better strings...
    
    Doug

    I had this strong kinda macho type uncle, who had a bad cold and
    was all stuffy.  My aunt suggested that he should rub some Vic's
    vapor rub on his chest.  So my uncle went to the medicine cabinet
    and proceeded to rub the Vic's all over his chest and around his
    nose.  He comes out of the bathroom and proceeds to tell my aunt
    and cousin, "boy this cold must really be bad. I just rubbed Vic's
    all over, and I can't even smell it!"  At which time my cousin, who
    was a teenager at the time, burst out laughing as she runs into her
    room locking the door behind her, saying "that's not Vic's, I put
    Dip-pitty-do in the vic's jar."  Dip-pitty-do was a pink hair gel 
    that was popular in the sixties.  My aunt said my uncle was so mad
    she though he was going to kill my cousin for sure.  I would have
    love to see my uncle's face, and chest hair, all dip-pitty-do'd. 
    
    Roger 

    We have a guy up here with greased up hair we call dippity do.

    re: .65
    
    Good one... but I'm left with lingering curiosity about what
    the cousin did with all that (gak) Vapo Rub.
    
    One of the best things about growing up was that my parents
    could no longer glob that icky, sticky, smelly goo all over
    my chest and upper lip.
    
    Chris

Chris, I don't want to get personal, but do you have a hairy chest and a
moustache?  I want to cash in on some of this minoxidil moolah.

> Chris, I don't want to get personal, but do you have a hairy chest and a
> moustache?  I want to cash in on some of this minoxidil moolah.
    
    Hmm, actually, yes, I do.  Now that's interesting.  And to lend further
    credibility to the hypothesis, my parents never slathered the top of my
    head with Vapo Rub, and as a result I'm mostly bald.
    
    So not only does the goo allegedly relieve cold symptoms and wax
    the floors, it also grows hair.
    
    Chris

Any hair on your parents' palms?

	how do you know what type of house plants they have?

> Any hair on your parents' palms?
    
    Har... if people are using Vicks Vapo Rub for that kind of thing,
    they're going to have bigger problems than hairy palms.
    
    Chris

Chris, you have a dirty mind.  Didn't they rub it on you with their hands?

    > Chris, you have a dirty mind.
    
    <gasp> No!...
    
    
    > Didn't they rub it on you with their hands?
    
    I don't remember, I may have had to do it myself.  Yeech.
    That stuff was disgusting.  Another good thing about being a
    parent now is that I remember all the stuff that I hated as
    a kid, and I'm determined never to inflict these things on my
    kids.
    
    Then again, maybe I'm not doing them any favors, because when *they*
    grow up to become parents, they won't have a saved-up list of things
    they'd never do to their kids.  Maybe Vapo Rub skips every other
    generation.
    
    Chris