Conference back40::soapbox

602.0. "Arguments" by VMSNET::M_MACIOLEK (Four54 Camaro/Only way to fly) Thu Nov 30 1995 01:14

    This came off internet (I didn't write it).  Looks like this guy
    has a bunch of folks, especially in Soapbox pegged. 
    
    
    

			How to Win Arguments

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and
steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect,
they don't even invite me.

You too can win arguments.  Simply follow these rules:

1. Drink Mass Quantities of Liquor.

   Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
   on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.  If you're
   drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
   back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls
   your date.  But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover
   you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy.  You'll be a WEALTH
   of data and information.  You'll argue forcefully, offering searing
   insights and possibly upsetting furniture.  People will be impressed.
   Some may leave the room.

2. Make lots of things up.

   Suppose, in the Peruvian economy example, you are trying to prove
   Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
   YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of
   Peruvians be better off than you.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
   underpaid."  Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
   adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
   $836.07 below the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up EXACT
   figures.

   If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up,
   too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the
   Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?" Say this
   in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled
   underwear in my bath house." -or- "Haven't you peed in my pool?"

3. Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

   Memorize this list:

	Let me put it this way
	In terms of
	Vis-a-vis
	Per se
	As it were
	Qua
	So to speak
	A propos de
	Ceteris paribus
	Vice (instead of vice-versa)

   You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," 
   "e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
   not."

   Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to say: 
   "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
   have enough money."

   You'll never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you
   say: "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
   Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so
   to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
   Only a fool would challenge that statement.

4. Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

   You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at
   your opponents when they make valid points.  The best are:

	You're begging the question.
	You're being defensive.
	Don't compare apples and oranges.
	I can't agree with your paradigm
	Wouldn't you say that's circular logic?
	How tautological!
	That's kind of a recondite argument
	What are your parameters?

   This last one is especially valuable.  Nobody, other than
   mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

   Here's how to use your comebacks:

    You say                  As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
    Your opponents says      Lincoln died in 1865.
    You say                  You're begging the question.

   OR

    You say                  Liberians, like most Asians...
    Your opponents says      Liberia is in Africa.
    You say                  You're being defensive.

5. Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

   This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right
   and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:  "That 
   sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You
   certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.  Do not try to 
pull any of this on people who carry weapons.

    
    	That's an excerpt from a Dave Barry column from a couple years
    	ago.
    

    
    oh great and powerful moderators!!!! Please listen to my humble
    request, pretty please. Can this topic be merged with, say, oh topic
    15, 79, 58 etc....... only 2 loney replies, it will need plenty of
    water and potting soil to reap any flowers.

    
    "I'd like to buy an argument, please."
    

    
    why !joan, I think you and eric are doing just fine. hth

    .3
    
    Will that be the quick five-minute argument or the full 30-minute one?

    He told you once.

    
      No he didn't.
    
      bb

You can't start arguing yet... you haven't paid

    
    trust me Chris, we have *payed* dearly

    
    Excuse me, is this where I go for getting hit about the head
    lessons?
    
    -b

    I want to complain!

    
    .11 
    
    be gone with you, you little twit.

    Mike:
    
    boring on the ole conspiracy trail...
    
    Not Roger

    Being in the wrong is not sufficent grounds for giving up on a good
    argument.

    Nor is it sufficient grounds for taking short lunches.