Conference back40::soapbox

    'Tine,
    
    And I'm howling now :-) :-)
    
    

    That is too hysterical, thank you for the laugh:-)
    

sparkly hairspray?
West Virginia?

Something is amiss...

    
    
    Hey Haas, I've got people in West Virginia, some of the nicest folks
    you'd ever want to meet and they even work for a living......

re: .4

>Something is amiss...

The mother or the daughter?   Of course, since it's WV, they both might be
a 'miss'.

Bob

    
    just makes one wonder what she would have whipped up given
    some styling gel...
    
    -b

re:.*

How nice.

>    Hey Haas, I've got people in West Virginia, some of the nicest folks
>    you'd ever want to meet and they even work for a living......

Hey I'm from West By Gawd Virginee, and spend the better parts of my off
time up that there ways. A regular native son!

So I can badmouth 'em if'n I wanna.

Where your people from? I've been there, fer sure.

TTom

I've heard the hairspray story before.  
It must be a suburban legend.

    
    They are from Elkins WV.  Beautiful country to be sure.....

Right you are. 

I was in Elkins a couple of weeks ago. We rent a house in Canaan Valley
up there every summer. Also around there is Dolly Sods and Spruce Knob
where we do a lot of 4-wheeling.

TTom

    
    
    Ever been to Mountaineer Sporting goods?

    
    ...and when he went 'round to the other side of the car to open her
    door...
    
    
    ...there was a BLOODY HOOK attached to the door handle!!!
    

    
    shaddup Ross.  Go home and play with your monkey.

    
    
    
    		{snicker}
    

I don't think there are any native monkees in West Virginia.

>    Ever been to Mountaineer Sporting goods?

Nope aint made it there, yet. Where, what?

TTom

    
    It's owned by my wife's Aunt, just wondering if you ever happened into
    the place.
    

    
    Jack, I believe Mike meant go home and spank your monkey. hth

    
    Jack Martin, Monkey-spanker.
    

    
    i think jack prefers "specialist in primate discipline"
    

I think W.Va is one of the few states remaining where spanking is legal.

TTom

    Stop picking on Coldcuts will ya?

    Coldcuts, sounds like a villain from Dick Tracy or Batman.  

    
    what's with all this animal-like abuse.
    Leave the poor monkey alone.  I think the bishop
    needs flogg'n instead

    Coldcuts has a good sensayuma.

    
    Don't you know you got to
    Spank the monkey
      (spank the monkey)
    
             P. Gabriel
    

    
       coulda been red paint and he thought she painted her lips.

    re: .33
    
    That's "shock the monkey"...

Or in Texas:

	"inject the monkey"...

TTom

    
    .35,
    
    Yes, I know that, Steve, TYVM.   :^)
    

    
    Seems to me that a certain un-named boxer has a list of euphemisms for
    monkey spanking.
    
    

    eh?

	Un-named boxer?  Oh, you mean Hey You?  Yah, I think you're
	right.
  

    
    There is only one thing in the world *worse* than `spanking the
    monkey', and that is *not* `spanking the monkey'.
    

    OOOoooooooo HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    
    OOOoooo HEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!
    
    
    
    Verry witty John, very very witty.

	I would rather have my monkey spanked.

    
    <--- Earth Orbits Sun: Film at 11
    

    I'm sure you would Glen.
    
    Look there are ladies present...let's change the subject.  We all know
    your secret thoughts!
    
    -Jack

    
    .46
    
    This, from the author of .8
    
    :^)
    

    Okay....okay!

    
>>    Look there are ladies present...

	but fewer and fewer gentlemen.  ayuh.

    
    OK OK, boxer who shall remain nameless.
    
    Boy, one really has to watch his/her step around you pedants 8^).
    
    

re: pedants

Aren't them the ones that like little boys?

I don't think you should be spanking children, though.

TTom

    
    pedophile  hth

    
    There are times when the simian just needs some discipline.

    
    kinda like beating the babboon, then?

    .8 deleted for tackiness.

    
    JACK REPENTS!!!   Gotta love it!    ;^)
    

    
    Not "Tastefullness" (sp)?

    Dan

    Hey...I lost my head yesterday.  I still thought the joke was cute but
    I don't think it's appropriate when ladies are around.
    
    I know...I'm a sexist pig.  Heard it before.  
    
    -Jack

    oink for me, dahling

    oink...

    Nay Nayyyy.
    
    Just call me Stallion!

    
    Jack... you are a glutton for punishment.... aren't you....
    

    I'm dying, really, I am!

    I have a daughter named Eva. I am a Mr. Mom. And so Eva has a pet
    mouse. The mouse pee'ed in Eva's hand. Eva, a 7 year old, takes mouse
    to the kitchen sink where she first, as she has been brought up to do,
    wash her hands. She does, then goes into the bathroom, brings forth her
    hair shampoo. And lathers up the mouse in the kitchen sink. At this
    point the mouse is flipping out! Squeeks and squeels of help and
    frustrations could be heard thru the house.
    
    I flew down the stairs to see what was all the fuss. And there is the
    mouse, with soap running around the inside of the sink rim, with soap
    flying every where! And if the mouse could talk:
    
    AAAAAAaaaaahhhh! Heeeelp!!! I gotta be in a lab in Cambridge Mass
    someplace!! GAWD! I hope no one sticks me with some lipstick in the
    eye! Or...Nooooo.... Maybe a ride to MIT and a one way shot into space
    with no return trip!!!! AAAAAhaaaaaaaahhhh!!! HHeeeeelp meeeee!!!! I am
    beeing loved by a 7 year old!!!!
    
    Needless to say, I rinsed the soap off the mouse, dried her, and Eva,
    the mouse, and myself had a chat about washing mice.:) The mouse was
    very happy, in her cleaned caged, curled up, dry, snoozing off the
    'Night Mare of the Kitchen Sink'.:)
    
    
    

    
    that was cute George :-)

 ;-)

    West By God?
    
    JUST SAY NO!

    Thanks! I have allot of fun with Eva. Her mom, for fathers day, bought
    me a pet crab.... Yep a crab. So, the little guy was lonesome. So, Eva
    and self went to the crab store and got another. The two of them became
    good friend. And started watching the mouse in the next cage, sitting
    side by side. All I could think, when I saw them, was that the crabs
    were aliens from a far and distant planet. And they were hear, waiting
    for the mother ship to take them home. The crabs eyes are on the end of
    these stick like thingies, looking over the top of their shells....
    watching the mouse.... running in her rat wheel. 
    and if the crabs could talk.....

    
    I had a pet lobster once.  Didn't seem to like the metal aquarium
    though.

Rauh's got crabs?

    I had a pet rat once.  Named him Mickey.  Mickey rat.  He was a nice
    white rat, with a long tail.  Good climber, too.
    
    Mickey was a friendly rat, too friendly as far as mom was concerned. 
    Mom didn't like rodents much.  It was a present from dad (and he knew
    she didn't like rodents, so it probably isn't too much of a stretch to
    say that he thought the idea of sending a rat back home with me was at
    the least appealing, and at the most, hilarious).  
    
    Smuggled him on the plane to bring him home- me and my sister.  Mickey
    liked the plane ride.  After taking him out of the "secret sock", we
    placed him into one of those little hollow balls (which was hidden in a
    carry-on bag).  Thought about turning him loose in the isleway, but then 
    decided it was best not to have a rat rolling around the plane in a hollow 
    ball.  Would've been a riot, though. 
    
    Mickey was a smart rat, too.  As he grew (and grew and grew- much to
    the displeasure of mom), he found ways of escaping the rat-dome (which
    was basically an aquarium with a slotted metal top).  When he was big
    enough, he would jump up and knock the top off the rat-dome, and
    make good his escape.  
    
    It was interesting the places he'd turn up (and for some reason mom would 
    always be the first one to "find" him - much to her displeasure), his 
    favorite place was in the basket of freshly dried clothes (once again, mom 
    would be the first to find him stowed underneath an innocent looking towel 
    or shirt, his little beady rodent eyes staring up at her...very much to
    her displeasure).  I can remember being summoned by shrieks of terror 
    "Steve, COME GET YOUR RAT!!!".  I'd follow the screaming to the crime 
    scene, only to find mom standing on a chair with Mickey looking at her 
    curiously from his pearch of dryer-warm clothes.  I told her that Mickey 
    could climb up the chair if he was interested, which would elicit a
    bulging-eyed facial expression from her which was quite interesting,
    which of course if why I'd say it.  It was just in fun, though,  
    he couldn't actually climb the chair, the legs were too smooth.  The
    couch was a different story, though.
    
    I'm not sure if it was the beady eyes, the long "fleshy" tail, or just
    the idea of Mickey being a rat that bothered mom the most; but she became
    very unreasonable when he was "found" in the laudry basket.  Poor
    Mickey.  I'm sure her shrieks scared him more that he scared her.  I
    kept telling her that it is only a rat, and that he doesn't bite, but
    that never seemed to calm her fears.  So, I would lift Mickey from the
    basket, place him on my shoulder (and he covered a good portion of it at 
    the time), and take him back to the rat-dome.  I would try to get mom
    to pet him while I was holding him, but this was totally out of the
    question.  For fun, I'd hold him out real close to her and watch for
    new expressions of terror from mom.  Sometimes, she could really make
    some interesting faces.  She failed to see amusement amusement value in
    this, needless to say, and would inevitably point out the fact that my 
    room needed cleaning or somesuch.  Mom's can be so unreasonable about the 
    silliest things. 
    
    Mickey eventually died.  A sad day, it was.  Before I even asked, it
    was made clear that there would be no more rats in *THIS* house.  Too
    bad, he kept life interesting- especially when I'd turn him loose in
    the living room.  But that's another story.
    
    
    -steve   

Leech, you're a sadist.

<--- Heh! I had a mouse in the suspended ceiling of my apartment once, back
     when I was young and single. I named him Mickey.
     

    
    
    How'd you get rid of him?  We have one in the drop ceiling in our
    livingroom.
    
    
    
    
    
    Terrie
    

    .56
    
    There is hope for you after all, Meaty.  Thank you.

>   <<< Note 492.76 by NETCAD::WOODFORD "Indecision Is Key To Flexibility" >>>
>    How'd you get rid of him?  We have one in the drop ceiling in our
>    livingroom.

He always came in from outside the house somewhere around the back door of
the apartment, about 3am every night. The ceiling was continuous from out
there into the living area. I just lifted one of the tiles against the wall,
near the back door, and put a trap there (bologna and peanut butter).
Apparently mice like to run along the wall, if possible.

Later, I found the knot hole he used to get into the house.

    
    See http://www.lava.net/~dkatz.
    
    

    
    as in dan'l katz???
    
    

 .80  d katz outta d bag.

    say, are rats good pets? I been thinking of getting one...

    
    Dan'l and Izzie.  Did you look at it?
    
    

    Rats are not only good pets, they make a great desert. Parfae rat
    anyone!:) 

	 .84  hence, the Desert Rats.

    
    Oh, the Rat Patrol.  The jeeps flying over the dunes.  I loved that
    show.

    
>>    Oh, the Rat Patrol.  The jeeps flying over the dunes.  I loved that
>>    show.

	that and "Combat" were my father's faves.

    Rat Tart.  Hmmmmmmmm

Wow!  I'm staying away from Sturbridge.  I didn't realize it was full of
"murderers, drug lords, rapists, and other violent criminals."

    
    .89
    I think this belongs in the TTHT topic...
    
    Dan

    It is _not_ a good idea to physically discipline your children in
    public these days.

Who said that?  Onondaga?

>>    I think this belongs in the TTHT topic...

	and/or in 290.

    re.65
    my kid sister did about the same thing to a cat, shaved his wiskers
    off and shampood the cat then put him in the dryer...he was rescued
    before he was cooked, nice and fluffy but could'nt walk a straight
    line for about a week, also misjudged the corners until the wiskers
    grew back.

	my sister once washed a sick bird we had found, and held it over
	the oven to dry.  it was not amused.  promptly expired, in fact.

    404 Not Found
    
    The requested URL /~dkatz. was not found on this server.
    
    You LIE!  WHY do you LIE!???!!!
    
    Waal, acshally, you didn't LIE.  You merely VIOLATED THE FIRST RULE of
    URL-POSTING -- viz., NEVER punctuate a URL without leaving at least a
    single space around it, or (preferably) a CRLF.
    
    This makes it possible for folks with Motif Mice to glom the URL, which
    is a space-less string, up outten DECnotes (dinosaur of tele-
    collaboration SW that it be) and to plunk it into a Web Browser wif
    merely two mouse-clicks.
    
    For example, I will (sinfully) recommend that you take a gander at
    http://www.ljo.dec.com/IBG/people/kalikow/adrian.html, which is sure to
    jerk a tear or two outta you if you have a smattering of sensitivity or
    culture, or an iota of musical training, but which you will NOT be able
    to access unless you OMIT the COMMA that I, STUPIDLY, punctuated it
    with above just up there.
    
    BTW, anent Mr. Katz, aside from the blatant mouse-abuse that is
    apparent in the pic...  It looks like he done gone native, with all
    that goldurn HawaiiSpeak.  He best not return anywheres near Dartmouth
    talkin' that way, or they'll have his guts fer garters.
    
    I don't think you can order clam chowder or lobstahs with an accent
    like that, no I don't.
    
    Hope allayez take the above URL-unpunctuation-strictures strictly to
    heart.  
    
    Thus endeth the lesson.
    
    |-{:-)

	Mz_deb punctuates her smilies!
	
>    http://www.ljo.dec.com/IBG/people/kalikow/adrian.html, which is sure to

	is that a comma in the URL??

    So, for someone who can't translate URL's...
    
    What is the actual correct address of the katz page?

    
    .98
    
    An dat's da troof.
    

>	is that a comma in the URL??

Or are you just glad to see me?

    > Or are you just glad to see me?
    
    He's just an URL that can't say no
    

    And he's in a tURLible fix!

    re: .82
    
    Actually, they are great pets- better than gerbils and hampsters, IMO
    (and yes, I used to have the latter as pets before dear Mickey came on
    board- unlike Mickey, they never escaped, though, so mom didn't mind
    them much  8^) ).  Mickey was much more fun.
    
    -steve

    
    Dan, I stand punctuationally corrected.  That's a lovely story, BTW
    8,^).
    
    

Nice story, but shouldn't that be Maestra?

    re: .106
    How are they on cleanliness?
    
    The only experience I had with a rat was in a fraternity. We thought he
    was great..cleaned up all of the food scraps left lying around...until
    we moved the couch. (blggghhh!)

    <---well, actually, you're supposed to keep them in a cage...no worse
    than any other rodent pet for cleanliness (which means you gotta clean
    out the cage a couple times a month)

While an undergrad, #1 daughter had a pet mouse. Used to bring it home
when she came home on break. Had to keep it in its cage in a room with
the door shut to keep her cat (whom she'd left with me when she went
away to school) from attacking it. Used to change the cedar chip bedding
every other day. Smelled to the high heavens of urine 100% of the time.

    This rat (named Boris) lived in the couch. He'd crawl out over your
    shoulder when he smelled food. Great for getting rid of bad dates.
    (Wait a minnit, never mind...I never had any dates in college...)

Mice smell mousy because they lack bladder control.  Like basketball players,
they dribble all the time.  What about rats?

    Rats rattle their owners' parents.

    
    Basketball players smell mousy?
    

 Rats don't play basketball..HTH

> Rats don't play basketball..HTH

Somewhere there's a federal grant being spent on rats playing midnight
basketball.

    .107 -- As long as you stand punctually 's'OK by me..
    
    .108 -- Why are you confusing my piano teacher with an 
            hispanic mountain range??
                     

    .99 Jollimore -- yes.  It IS a comma.  Please upgrade your eyeglasses,
                     your corneae, or your brain, whichever is least
                     insulting and yet fixes your problem.
    
    .100 Covington -- note the extreme similarity of the period to the
                      comma, and their common locations at the right extremum
                      of the strings starting with 
         http://
                      .  Thank you.  Now please upgrade your eyeglasses, your
                       corneae, or your brain, whichever is least insulting and
                       yet fixes your problem.                           
    

	I've got no brain. I'm scheduled for an eye transplant today.
	
	Thanks for your help. You've been most kind. Wish me luck.

    :-)
    

    damn glasses...

    I was having intermittent problems with a voice-mail system that I only
    called from home.  The symptom was getting stuck in voice mail jail.
    I'd call the number and the system would say "Press 2 to start
    recording your message.  Press any other key to end your message."  I'd
    press 2, leave my message, press 2, and get, "Press 2 to start
    recording your message.  Press any other key to end your message."  I'd
    press 2, leave a message complaining about screwed up voice mail
    systems, then press 8.  Which would get me, "Press 2 to start recording
    your message.  Press any other key to end your message."  I tried a few
    more times, terminating my message with other keys, only to be left to
    repeat the exercise.  As it turns out, I was the only one complaining
    about the voice mail system, and it was intermittent.
    
    One day, I finally figured it out.  I have two different phones, one a
    few year old Panasonic speaker phone, and the other, a new AT&T model
    832 speakerphone.  I only had problems on the Panasonic.  I've been
    needing to replace it, but hadn't bothered since it was still mostly
    functional.  It has a feature that when you dial a number on the
    speakerphone, it mutes the microphone until it detects ringing on the
    other end.  Yep, you guessed it, it's now muting after any keystroke,
    dialing or not.  So, when I pressed 2 to begin recording my message, it
    turned off the microphone.  When I hit another key, the voice mail
    system realized it hadn't recorded anything and proceeded to 'help' me
    by telling me how to leave a message, again, and again, and again.
    
    The Panasonic is headed for the trash.
    
    Bob
    

    Don't toss it Bob. Bring it in. I know someone who can use it, but
    can't afford a new one.

    
    My mother, who lives in Florida, and my aunt, who lives in New Jersey, 
    are twins.  Their birthday is September 1st.  They're 66 this year.
    This year they decided to spend their birthday together, so my aunt is
    flying down to Florida today.  I telephoned 1-800-FLOWERS to have a 
    floral arrangement delivered to them tomorrow.
    
    So the clerk on the phone asks me for the name and address.  I told her
    their names, which are Alberta and Roberta, and she kind of laughed, so
    I said hey, they're twins.  Made sense to me.
    
    Then she asked what I wanted written on the card, and I said,
    "Happy 132nd Birthday".
    
    There was a huge pause, and the clerk said, "...your mother is 132
    years old?"
    

    Wow, she must have taken *really* good care of herself.
    
    How old is your aunt?

If Deb's mother is 132, and the upper end of fertility is around 50, then
Deb must be 80ish.

    
    <------
    
    Oooooooooooooo.... 
    
    
     I believe the teeth are next for you....
    

    
    Gerald,
    Piece of advice,....
    run fast, 
    run long, 
    and hide deep
    

    
    Teeth are only for prepositional masochists, Andy 8^).
    
    Gerald:
    
    
                                     '.,.' .,'
                                  ,.',.',.',.',.'
                              ,.',.',.' ,.',.',.',.
    8^pPppPPppPppPpPppPppPpPppPPpP,.',.',.',.',.''.,
                                ,.',.',.',.',.',.'
                                    ,. ' ,. ' ,.'
                                       ; . ,.
    
    
    
                                          

	If she is in her 80's.... she looks DAMN GOOD! She looks like she just
turned 21...... 

    
    For godsake glen, I must be contagious!  Next thing you know, everyone who 
    was at the last box bash will be hoovering..... :-)
    

	But Dan..... seeing boinking is out for me, does that make it more
sincere? :-)

    So, if one likes to boink, this makes one insincere?

Liz and Larry - legendary love languishes!

    Deb - That story made me chuckle !! Yes it did :*)

| <<< Note 492.134 by POLAR::RICHARDSON "AREAS is a dirty word" >>>


| So, if one likes to boink, this makes one insincere?


	There is a greater chance of being insincere if one wants to boink the
person they are hoovering. (i'm not saying Dan wants to boink anyone)


Glen

                                                                     
    Remember the birthday flowers I sent to my mother & aunt?  The clerk at
    1-800-FLOWERS had described about a dozen arrangements to me, and I 
    picked one - wildflowers in a basket, bla bla bla.  My sister, who lives 
    in Washington State, had gone to her local florist and picked an 
    arrangement out of an FTD catalogue.
    
    My mother called today to thank me for the flowers, and told me...
    
    Beth & I had sent identical arrangements 8^).
    
                                                

    Deb,
    
    What did your Mom think about the Happy 132nd Birthday?
    

    
    She liked it 8^).  My aunt said, though, that my mother was 72 years of
    the 132 and she was only 60 of them, because after she turned 60 she
    started giving her birthdays to my mother.
    
    I have a very strange family.
    
    

>    Beth & I had sent identical arrangements 8^).
    
You two weren't born on Corsica by any chance, were you?

    
    >Beth & I had sent identical arrangements 8^).
    
     Does that make you sorta "crunchy"???
    

    
    Me, crunchy?  Surely you jest 8^).
    
    

    8^q

    
    I think of Mz. Deb as being more "cushy" than "crunchy"... :-)

    -b

    
    
    I dunno about that.... what sound does she make when she bites??
    

    "nnnnyung nnnnyung nnnnyung"

	      ....        ....	
           .adAMMMb.   .dAMMMAbn.
        .adAWWWWWWWWWAuAWWWWWWWWWWAbn.
     .adWWW__|   |__|__|__|__|   |_WWWbn.
    dMMMM     \_/	      \_/   MMMMMb
 ..adMM	       _               _        MMbn..
    dMMMM  __ /	\ __ __ __ ___/ \___MMMMMb
     "~^YUM  |   |  |  |  |  |   | MUP^~"
          "~^PMMMdMAbammdAMMMMMMP^~"
              "^UMMMMMMMMMMMMU^"   
               "^Y^YUWWWWUP^"
         
                                               {chomp}
    

	      ....        ....	
           .adAMMMb.   .dAMMMAbn.
        .adAWWWWWWWWWAuAWWWWWWWWWWAbn.
     .adWWW__|   |__|__|__|__|   |_WWWbn.
    dMMMM     \_/	      \_/   MMMMMb
 ..adMM	       _               _        MMbn..
    dMMMM  __ /	\ __ __ __ ___/ \___MMMMMb
     "~^YUM  |   |  |  |  |  |   | MUP^~"
          "~^PMMMdMAbammdAMMMMMMP^~"
              "^UMMMMMMMMMMMMU^" \  
               "^Y^YUWWWWUP^"     \
                                   \
                               Lookie!  FANGS.  Don't mess with her.
                                            
    
    

    
    
    Yes, but if there's a bone involved, wouldn't it.... couldn't it....
    possibly have a sort of crunchy sound???
    

    a bone?
    
    {thud}

    whose?

    
    re: .151
    
    Your allusion is missing a certain letter on the end of that particular
    noun...
    
    

    
    
    {{{{{{spew}}}}}}
    

    
    
    <-----
    
    That's not it... :)
    

            >Your allusion is missing a certain letter on the end of that particular
    >noun...

    R you insinuating something?

    -b

    
    
    Oh, how SUBTLE!  :*)
    

    
    Oh that's me.... Subtle with a capital "R"... :-)
    
    -b

    
    
    But in your PN it's an S
    
    
    
    :*)
    

    
    
    Yep... you guys are reaaaaaaaaaaal subtle...
    

    
    Shouda known Brian "Peenie-Man" Markey would get it 8^))))).
    
    

    
    {ouch} :-)
    
    -b