Conference napalm::guitar

    I'll start....on the EGO'S of us guitarists....
    
    How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    
    Six......one to screw the bulb in while the other five look on saying:
    
    
    "I can do that".....8^)
    
    Bulldawg

    I'm not Conceited... 
    
    ...I'm convinced !!
    
    Agagagagagagagaaa...

    re: .2
    
    Coop, buddy 'ol pal, I was expecting something FUNNY!!!
    
    8^)
    
    Booldawg

    Re: .1 & .3......
    
    So was I.

    re: .4....
    
    Criticism, but no contributions?  At least I TRIED to make a funny....
    
    8^)

    I thought .1 was perfect  [and the answers prove it... 8) ].
    
    You know there has to be one about the guitarist who dies, goes up to
    heaven (I know, it's a stretch), and finds all his heroes jamming. 
    There's Jimi, there's Segovia, there's Django, there's Robert Johnson,
    there's Duane, and so forth -- thinks it's great.  "There's just one
    problem, man,"  Duane says...
    
    <punchline?>
    
    
    Or... "Oh, that's God, he think's he's...."

    How about:
    
    You can TUNE a guitar, but ya can't TUNAfish !
    
    <Insert readers eyes rolling back in noggin>
    
    Sorry
    jc

    Coop, 
    
    Why must you punish me so?  Was it something I said?  |^)
                                                          

    	Soooo... ummmm.... how can you tell the difference between:

    A. A dead guitar player in the middle of the road

    B. A dead politician in the middle of the road
    













    	SKID MARKS IN FRONT OF THE GUITAR PLAYER!!!

    	HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!   Shoot, I knew if I started
    laughing that I wouldn't be able to stop.



    Steve

    
    Here's a little one from over here in the U.K.
    
    
    	Three Musicians sitting in a bar talking about I.Q. ratings
    (Intelligence Quotas).
    
    The guitarist says "I use.....{insert fave hi tech rack sytem & axe}..
    and I've got an I.Q. of 185.
    
    "Wow" says the keyboard player "I use....{insert state of art synth
    system}.....& I have an I.Q. of 180.
    
    "Neat" says the bass player. "I use....{you know what to do here}....
    & I got an I.Q. of 182.
    
    Just then this other dude walks up with his knuckles scraping the
    ground & says "I heard you guys talking about I.Q.'s ....I got one of
    them, my shrink says it's about 3.5"
    
    "Really" says the guitarist "What sort of sticks do you use then?"  
    
    Cheers all,
    
    		Pete.
    
    P.S. If any drummers are offended by this I'd like to say I don't care
    & get back to your own notes conference ;-).
    

    That's priceless !!!   8^)
    
    
    
    
    				Scary

    Agagagagagaga...
    
    It just goes to say:
    
    "Drummer's aren't musicians, their just time keepers for musicians..."

    Coop  re  .12
    
    "Drummers are timekeepers for musicians"......EXCEPT when YOU are
    playing drums......
    
    BWAHAHAHAHAHA.....8^)
    

    Yeah, but thats cuz I'm a musician...Not a time-keeper...
    
    ;^)

    re:  .14
    
    Good comeback!  We gonna do Al's jam wed night?
    
    bulldawg

    On a slightly different tack - how about humour in guitar playing
    itself?
    
    I always have to laugh at the inept solo in the Bonzo's 'Canyons
    of Your Mind'. Any other examples of outstandingly dumb guitar playing?
    
    
    Bob

    
    Re: .16
    
    Check out the Statler Brother's "Lester 'Roadhog' Moran and his
    Cadillac Cowboys" album, for some wicked funny country guitar pickin'.
    
    Or NRBQ's avant-lounge version of "People".
    
    Or Wild Man Fischer doing "Larry Learns To Play The Guitar" (or
    something like that).
    
    							Brian

> Any other examples of outstandingly dumb guitar playing?

"Cover of the Rolling Stone" - Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show

Cracks me up every time I hear it!  8^)

Alan S.

    Along the same lines of some a few back...
    
    "Drummers are just guys that like to hang around with musicians"
    
    Greg (I don't really feel this way)

    re:  .18
    Alan,
    I love it!  I used to know that solo, note for note....B*}
    
    Funny occurrences anyone?  I once opened my mouth during a solo
    riff, my chewing gum fell out, landed right on my strings over the
    bridge pickup, and immediately made a huge mess. The band had to
    take a break! Sheesh!  I DON'T chew gum on stage anymore 'cause
    I CAN'T remember to keep my mouth closed when I'm concentratin'!
    
    Steve_who_can't_believe_he_admitted_this_actually_happened_Dandrea
    
    aka:Bulldawg

    I'm sure Jerry will remind you of the time he caught me drooling on
    my guitar while playing the lead-in to one of our originals... It's
    one of those real "feeling" type leads...Slobber, slobber...
    
    Bleck.
    
    jc

    Jeff,
    Regarding your new personal (C/J enema)....it's crude, rude,
    disgusting, and totally tasteless.......way to go!! 
    
    Bulldawg

    hey Coop'...aka Squid"...
    
    
    "How did the guitar player get poison ivy all over his body?"
    
    
    JJ

    Yo Langely ye old scurvy sea-dawg !
    
    Where you been ?  Drop me mail off line !

    Does the answer have anything to do with skinny dippin' ?
    
    ;^)

> Howdja like a Jackson/Charvel enema?

Well, that's putting them just about where they belong, isn't it?

agagagagaga!!!

I can't pass up an opportunity to bash Coop, now can I?

8^)

Alan S.

    Sheeeesh.

    RE: Steve
    
    Charvel/Jackson or Jackson/Charvel ?
    
    Well, I always called it a C/J, but the guit is emblazoned with
    Jackson/Charvel.  I dunno.
    
    jc

    RE: C/J enema, "putting them where they belong", etc....
    
    Alan,
    I guess the next time Coop asks me if I wanna borrow the Charvel,
    I should reply:
    
    "sit on it".......BWAH-HAHAHAHA  (funny as a crutch, Ritchie)
    
    Steve  B*)

The strange thing I've wondered about with guitar players is the ancient 
oriental torture they perpetually undergo...

...TooNing

    
    
    Q:  What do you call someone who hangs around with a band.
    
    
    A:  A Drummer.
    
    
    

Once upon a time there was a drummer who got fed up with being made
fun of all of the time, so he decides to learn to play the guitar. Now
obviously he wants to be sure that he doesn't look like a bozo in the 
music shop, so he spends months reading about guitars, looking at 
pictures of guitars and learning all those guitar-type words like
"whammy bar", "EMG", "tapping", "strings" etc.

Eventually he plucks up his courage (and his money) and strolls 
confidently into the shop. He approaches the guy behind the counter
and says "Hi, I'd like a (insert favourite guitar here) with a (insert
favourite amp here) and a few (insert favourite effects etc here)".

The guy in the shop looks him up and down and says "You're a drummer
aren't you ??". 

"How on earth did you know" replies our percussive friend.

"Easy", says the guy ...

"This is MacDonalds"

Agagagagagag :-)

Cheers,

    Derek.

    Agagagagagagagagagagagaaa...
    
    "and change back from your buck !"

    RE: 31....
    
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....I LOVED IT!!!!!

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis
work.  He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the
remote site he where he would make his collections.  About noon on the second
day of travel up the river, they began to hear drums.  Being a city boy by
nature, the biologist was disturbed by this.  He asked the guide, "What are
those drums?"  The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when
they stop."

Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably
well for about two weeks.  Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave,
the drums suddenly stopped!  This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he
yelled at the guide

		"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?!?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said



				"Bass Solo ..."

    
    Being a Bass Player I enjoyed this joke....
    
    Ron.
    
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his
thesis work.  He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the
river to the remote site he where he would make his collections.  About noon
on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.  Being a
city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this.  He asked the guide,
"What are those drums"  The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but 
VERY BAD when they stop."
 
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went
reasonably well for about two weeks.  Then, just as they were 
packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped!  This hit the 
biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide
 
		"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"

    The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said
 
    
				"Bass Solo!"
 
    

    
    RE: .31
    
    HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH!!!  
              
    What did he order, a McTama?!
    
    Great joke!
    
    
    Mr. Ed
    

Q. How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. One - they just stand there and the world revolves around them.

    
    
    
    Q. Whadaya calla drummer with a degree from MIT?
    
    
    A. Forger..... yeah, bad, I know...

    
    
    Hey, did you guys know that 
    
    "old musicians never die"
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    "they just De-Compose"
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Rj>  (:o
    
    
    

    Actually, anytime i pick up the guitar its funny. 
    
    good thing i dont have sense to play the darned thing.
    
    

    > anytime i pick up the guitar its funny.
    
    How well I know the feeling!! I've had 1 semi-formal lesson on
    guitar. At 3:30 Sunday morning I recorded myself playing Satriani's
    "Surfin'...." against a sequenced bass and drum machine.
    
    Now, you wanna talk *funny*? I, um, "improvised" most of it. Funny
    probably ain't the right word...
    
    Edd

    re: last
    
    i dont buy that, i'll bet you sound very good. 
    However, being funny, doesnt stop me from making tapes for people.
    i'll bet they erase them when they get them and record good stuff
    on them! 
    
    I didnt think it was possible to sound "funny" when you know how to
    work sequencers ect.
    
    mr_acoustic_who_wish_he_had_a_stat_but_knows_its_best_he_isnt_allowed
    to_touch_effects_and_loud_amps

    > ...i'll bet you sound very good.
    
    I love you. :^*
    
    
    
    ...just kidding!!!
    
    My sequences are pretty good, it's my guitar playing that makes dogs
    cry...
    
    Edd

    thats what i like about guitar, its more effort for me to play, so when
    i do learn something on it, i feel like i've done something. i used to
    play keyboards more cause its far easier for me, but with all the MIDI
    stuff comming out, i'm afraid i'll start feeling like i am at work.
    Thats why I am avoiding MIDI stuff -- I'd get totally hooked on it. 
    And if you are writing songs and they dont come across on an acoustic,
    they probably wont come accross in a big production. Thats just my
    opinion though. 
    
    j
    
    

    Hey !  Joe Satriani's actually a southerner !
    
    His real name is BILLY-Joe-Bob Satriani, and his original album
    title was changed by the producers and management types...
    
    It's *really* called "Billy-Joe-Bob Satriani Raftin' With The Rednecks"
    
    Sorry Scary...
    
    jc

Whatdayacall guys, who call guys who hang out with musicians - drummers?

Guitarists.

So there was this guitarist named Johnny who had it all ... the women loved to
watch him flail away at his favorite phallic symbol on stage, he absolutely
wooed the crowd with his stirring leads and his pulsating rhythms. 

Time and time again the guitarist would capture the glory and spoils of Rock
and Roll - the attention of his adoring fans during and after the
gigs - while on the edge of the limelight sat the drummer - eating
his curds and whey and talking with his faithful few after the gig.

They were playing one night when the guitarist had once again stood in 
the footlights - his fingers were flashing up and down the fret board,
his whammy bar was whamming, his sampled sounds were superb, his foot pedal
was fanciful, he was midied to the max ...

..  when disaster stuck! There was a sudden energy surge that had it's focal
point in Johnny's spot that sent electrifying currents into his
body and blew out his tube amp and sent the shards of glass whipping
through his carcass.

----

He met St. Peter at the gates and said, "Oh, man why'd you guys take me
now?  My time hasn't come!"

St. Peter replies, "Johnny, Johnny, Johnny ... that's the problem with you 
guitarists ... you never know when to climax! You're either too early or too
late but you never know when the time is right!" 

Johnny begs, "Oh please, I'll do anything if I can recapture my 
mortality, please let me return ...  I'll do anything."

"That's another thing ... you guitarist's don't even know what you've got
NOW,  before you want to move forward or back. Take a look around you ...
Now, isn't this a nice place to be, Johnny?", asked St. Peter. 

Johnny was preoccupied with his earthly vision of glory. "Please,
make me alive for awhile ..."

Tired of listening to the bleating guitarist, St. Peter pronounced, 
"All right, all right, enough ... I'll let you go back - but on one condition.
You'll have to go back as a drummer and not a guitarist."

"You mean ... one of them ...??? "

"Precisely!", responded St. Peter.

"And, and , and ( stammering for words) ... BANG on things????? 
 and, and , and ... speak in strange guttural noises?"

"Believe me, it's good to bang on things every once in awhile to relieve
the tension ... but you guitarists - you think you can get off by 
fingering a fret board - geeeesh! And the guttural noises - well that comes
with the territory of making a good bang!", fumed St. Peter.

Johnny tried to appease St. Peter by saying, "Yeah, come to think of it, this
place looks pretty nice ...", but the guitarist's statement was left hanging as
he was sent spiraling towards earth with a pair of 2B's (That's drummer talk
for you) in his hand. 

------

The reformed guitarist was now in a band, playing behind a wall of
cymbals and drums, and if that wasn't enough to hide him from
the audience, they put a lead singer and two guitarists in front of him
to completely conceal his presence.

His time keeping was superb, he executed flawless fills, his rhythm
pervaded the crowd so they were moving to the music, he drove the band
and locked them in the groove so their playing was solidified and tight.

On occasions, he caught a glimpse of the spotlight but it was soon eclipsed
by the guitarist in front of him, who could rip up and down the fret board
just as he had done when he was a guitarist.

And when the gig was through, his faithful few were there to greet him
along with his girlfriend that his mother would be proud of, while the hoards 
completely encompassed the guitarist and the cheap tarts flaunted their wares
before him.

Occasionally those on the outskirts of the guitarist's circle would migrate
over to Johnny saying, "Hey you guys were great ... any chance I can
meet your guitar player?"
 
He would continue to play more and more gigs and each time the circle
of worshipers grew larger around the guitarist, but Johnny's circle remained
the same - his faithful few.  He had actually grown to appreciate his
banging, and grown to understand that the band was great because it
was the "members of the band and their combined talents working together" that
made it great, and that he as a drummer was the heart of the operation - the
heartbeat pumping the blood.  But the heart isn't visible - it can only
be felt, and he accepted and appreciated this and his role in the band.

He also gained an appreciation for his faithful few who supported him and
the band at every gig. They were the ones that understood him and recognized
the "whole" of the music. In short - he had not only become a drummer but
had come to understand the meaning of it all. "Music" was for here and now ...
every gig, every strain, every note was timeless and important and shouldn't 
be used in vain and for your own glory ... but in accordance with the way the
music was flowing so that those experiencing the music, performers and
audience, would be moved. 

Johnny passed off the glitz of the limelight as being a superfluous entity
of the greater meaning of music and life. And as far as his time coming,
it was already here - make the best music you can now, whether you're
a guitarist or a drummer or whatever.

-----

Johnny continued to better himself as a drummer.  

His paras where diddling, his rata-mas where cued, and oh - those rolls!

He was playing before the multitudes when in a thunderous ending to a song, the
sound he created from rolling on the toms and cymbals and basses 
simultaneously created the resonant frequency that loosened the pins holding
the steel girder above him. 

The beam came crashing down on his head, and had he still been a guitarist -
that would have finished him off.

But being a drummer, there was still some fight left in him.  But the 
steel beam also managed to hit one of the guitars and send it directly in 
front of the Marshall stack, creating the kind of feedback that only 
guitarists can delight in, and the feedback coupled with steel girder blow
was enough to split Johnny's head directly in half.

-----

Johnny met St. Peter again at the gates and said, "I've learned my lesson
I'm ready ... and I'd like to continue being a drummer here. I have a feeling
heaven will be wonderful."

"Oh it certainly is," said  Saint Peter, "But it's too bad you won't get
to experience it."

Johnny, quivering in his Reeboks asked, "What do you mean? Aren't you
going to let me into heaven?"

St. Peter replied, "Oh I would if we were there, but you see, things were
REAL slow up there so they sent me DOWN here to watch these gates."

Johnny stood, as drummers do, with his mouth agape making strange guttural
noises, completely "drumfounded" before St. Peter.

St. Peter retorted, "Couldn't you figure that out for yourself, Johnny? ...

... where else could you take a perfectly good guitarist, turn him into
a drummer, and make him think that he WANTS to go through eternity playing
the drums?"

^	
|		
|

Punch line above. Get it??  

I think I'll go back to my own conference now!  Hanging out here sure
gives me the willies!

;^)

Craig