Conference 7.286::sports_91

    A new sports on the horizon? ...
    
    SHOUTING
    * The winner of Japan's 10th annual End-of-Year Shouting Contest
    yesterday put his victory down to regularly admonishing his children.
    "I'm quite bad-tempered and I shout at my kids all the time. This is
    good practise" said 36-yr old Yoshihiko Kato. Mr Kato won the contest -
    sponsored by a maker of cough drops - with a comment on the Gulf
    crisis. "If YOU want a war, YOU go" he yelled in Japanese at 115.8
    decibels - 30 decibels above the legal limit in Britain and only a few
    dozen less than a raging volcano. It is not known whether Mr Kato could
    be heard in Washington, but reliable sources say that even if he were
    it would not make a difference because Mr Bush couldn't see  his lips
    move. 
           {from Around the World column, The Independent, Ed 130 21.12.90)
    
    Dan

    
    Why is Bernie Kosar being sent to the MidEast?
    
    
    
    
    Because he can overthrow anybody!
    

    What's 15 inches long, black, and hangs in front of an a$$hole?????
    
    George Bush's necktie!!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    +--------------------+
    |    GOING BEYOND    |
    |   THIS POINT MAY   |
    |  RESULT  IN DEATH  |
    |  AND / OR LOSS OF  |
    | SKIING  PRIVILEGES |
    +--------------------+

				- Sign at Oregon ski resort (Parade Magazine)
				- from Jon Reeves (Nashua, NH, USA)



"When all is said and done, there's nothing left to say or do."

				- Darryl Dawkins (quoted in Newsweek)
				- from Susan Elliott (Maynard, MA, USA)

    +-----------------------------+
    | Skiers are required to have |
    | devices to prevent runaway  |
    | skies.                      |
    +-----------------------------+

				- Sign on ski resort chair lift
				- from Wim Colgate (Bellevue, WA, USA)

    "Watch Anderson.  He's usually a very sure footed tackler.  He
    makes the miss."

				- ABC-TV Monday Night Football announcer
				- from Bill Dornbush (Novi, MI, USA)

>    "Watch Anderson.  He's usually a very sure footed tackler.  He
>    makes the miss."
>
>				- ABC-TV Monday Night Football announcer
>				- from Bill Dornbush (Novi, MI, USA)


Any guesses on which one of the three came up with this little gem?

    What does Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Bagdhad have in common?
    
    Nothing yet.

These are from the `New Yorker' magazine competition where they asked
competitors to change ONE letter in a familiar non-English phrase
and redefine it.

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered

VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.

COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle

RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots

QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead.  No kidding.

POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old

PARDONNEZ-MOT - That wasn't funny.  Sorry.

FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat

HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food

QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know

MAZEL TON - Lots of luck

ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough

FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine

VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it

CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip

MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.

AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend

L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here

L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge

IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!


Bueno weekendo to vous,
                          john

Got these from a friend:


         David Letterman's "Top 10 things Saddam Hussein has to do
         between now and tomorrow":

         10. Call about a will.

         9. Get the best damn earplugs money can buy.

         8. Try the McRibs (they're for a limited time only).

         7. Make a week of appearances on "The Match Game".

         6. Take some time to stop and smell the camels.

         5. Get Bat Signal to work.

         4. R.S.V.P. "No" to that wedding invitation from Duluth,
            Minn.

         3. Take New York City cab driver's test.

         2. Shower.

         And the top thing he has do ...


         1. Fill out Postal Service change of address card for hell.

         
         I don't know, I thought for some reason that these were supposed
    to be SPORTS jokes. I must of switched conferences in the middle of a
    joke.
    
    rm.                
    

>         
>         I don't know, I thought for some reason that these were supposed
>    to be SPORTS jokes. I must of switched conferences in the middle of a
>    joke.

The operative word in this particular topic is, and pretty much always
has been JOKE.  Much the same as we have a junk note topic for a lot
of non-SPORTS related drivel.

As long as it's fairly clean, it can be in this topic.  

There aren't to many sports jokes around that haven't been recycled
ad nauseum.....

'Saw
    

Dateline Wall St. 21-Jan-1991 - Digital Equipment Corporation stock
	soared today in a patriotic gesture when high placed military
	sources revealed that they had discovered some DEC technology
	amid the rubble at several SCUD missle site landings. "From
	what we've seen at the crash sites, the SCUDs are apparently
	using internal guidance based on Digital's 'Rainbow' series"
	said Admiral Fred "Butch" Fersnoozle, pentagon spokesman.
	When contacted, a DEC representative admitted dumping the
	doomed system on the Iraqi military back in the mid 80's.
	"We knew they wanted it for military applications, and we
	knew it was a dog" said public relations spokeswoman Barbara
	Sheefer. "We just wanted to do our part to destabalize the Iraqi
	military machine. What better way than to sell them Rainbows".
	President Bush is said to have phoned a congratulatory
	message to top DEC man Ken Olson, calling him a "sly dog".

Subj:	New drinking game compliments of the war
Subj:	hahaha - this is great!!! A new drinking game!!!!
Subj:	"Watch the War" Home Game
 
The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN, at each commercial,
unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed.
 
If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change
the channel except during scud attacks (see below).
 
If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute.  The last
person to salute takes a shot.
 
If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath.  The last
person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot.
That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded.
 
If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout
"Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next "scud."
The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large
airbase in central Saudi Arabia."  Anyone naming the wrong city must
also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the
error.
 
Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout
"woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer.
 
A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table.  Whenever the phrase
"ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first
person to grab the shot gets it.
 
Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the
channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS
on another TV until the next "scud."  I realize that this one is a judgment
call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something
stupid anyway.  Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC change the channel
immediately but I probably don't have to tell you that.

    I heard today that Hussein's propaganda continues.
    
    Now he's saying that the Iraqi's have shot down almost every Patriot
    missile that we've fired, using his SCUD's to do it.   ;^)
    
    
    JaKe
    

    re .12
    
    Mentioning Rather and Blitzer reminds me that I saw CNN last week for
    the first time in a while and the morning guy was on.
    
    Has anyone else noticed that he bears a strong resemblance to the one
    and only Ted Baxter??  I mean even some of the mannerisms are the same
    - that sort of innocent way he cocks his head up at the camera when he
    says something that he really wants you to believe..
    
    I just about had a hernia laughing!
    
    Come on America - first that crosseyed CNN lady in Atlanta, now Ted
    Baxter on the War in the Gulf!!  Too much.
    
    rick

    
    	I've been told that it only costs 1/2 as much to train Iraqi
    	pilots..........
    
	..........they only have to train them to take off!
    
    	Claybroon  8*)

      AP - "Saddam Hussein today bragged on public television about the
      success of his SCUD missiles.  He claims he has been able to down
      almost every Patriot missile the Allies have fired."

Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Worries About Desert Storm
---------------------------------------------------

10. Boxcar Willie album collection hard to carry from bunker to bunker

9. During a night raid, he might mistake jock strap for gas mask (again)

8. Cutting off CNN may mean loss of MTV

7. Possible disqualification from the Mr. Olympia pageant

6. His private Bryl-creem factory might be mistaken for a weapons plant

5. He'll run out of pre-rumpled fatigues

4. He could win Lotto, and not find out the numbers

3. He might finally get Late Night tickets, for *this* week

2. People keep calling his weapons names like 'scud'

1. Breakdown of infrastructure may mean warm beer and stale chips for the 
   Super Bowl

    mike, .13 and .16 seem the same to you??????
    
    JaKe
    

>    mike, .13 and .16 seem the same to you??????
    
    No mine's the official version ;-)

    official,  Official what??hahahahhhaahahahhhaahahahaahahah   thump!!
    
    
    JaKe
    

    >...*Official* version..
    
    sort of like MrT's NoTY crown???
    
    ;^)
    
    Kev
    

It seems that plans have been uncovered that show Saddam Hussein has intended 
to launch SCUD missles at the Superbowl since October.



He knew there would be no Patriots there.

Ha, ha, ha!  [tah, tum, tum!]   ;^)
    
    
    or:
    
    
    What do Tony Eason, Steve Grogan, and Doug Flutie have in common?
    
    
    
    	They're three Patriots that can't hit anything!
    
        (ba-dump-bump-bump) :-)
    
    						 glen j. 

    Now that we have an Official Golf topic, I guess golf jokes are fair
    game.(Although I think they always were.
    
    Seems this lady wanted to learn how to golf, so she signed up at the
    country club her husband and her belonged to for some leasons.
    
    At the first lesson, the Pro wanted to see her technique so he got a
    bucket of golf balls and told her to use the driver and hit the balls
    from a tee.  
    
    Well, shot after shot rolled, instead of flying, off of the tee and
    normally stopped about 15 yards off of the tee.
    
    The Pro told the woman that her grip was way too tight and that she
    should loosen her grip some. She asked how loose should it be??
    
    He replied that she should hold the club about the same as she'd hold
    her husband's penicular appendage.
    
    The next shot soared off of the tee and landed about 200 yards away,
    dead center of the driving range.
    
    "How was that", she asked.
    
    The pro replied, "That was much better, BUT,
    
    On the next shot try taking the club out of your mouth and holding it
    in your hands!!!!!!!"
    
    JaKe
    

                   ***Murphy's Laws of Combat***
 
1.  If the enemy is in range, so are you.
 
2.  Incoming fire has the right of way.
 
3.  Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
 
4.  There is always a way.
 
5.  The easy way is always mined.
 
6.  Try to look unimportant, they might be low on ammo.
 
7.  Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
 
8.  The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
        a. When you're ready for them.
        b. When you're not ready for them.
 
9.  Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
 
10.  If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
 
11.  The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
 
12.  A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
 
13.  If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
 
14.  Never draw fire.  It irritates everyone around you.
 
15.  Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
 
16.  Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
 
17.  Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
 
18.  If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
 
19.  When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
 
20.  Never forget that your weapons are made by the lowest bidder.

    Knew something like this would make it to the surface( not a pun)
    
    Heard today
    
    Who's seen the most Patriot missiles so far?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Lisa Olsen
    
    Ugh
    

Heard this one on the radio the other day....



Why was security so tight at the Super Bowl?













They were trying to keep the broncos out......

                 National Lampoon's True Facts Calendar - 1991


	1/19/91 - Thirty-year old George Gonzalez was taken to an in-
		  terrogation room in a Miami, FLA police station for
		  questioning.  But detectives couldn't decide who
		  would take him home.  They told Gonzalez to wait,
		  that they would be right back.  Then they forgot a-
		  bout him.  "He stayed in the interview room for 5
		  days without food or water", said police spokesman
		  Richard Roundtree, "and without coming out to tell
		  anybody about it".

	1/20/91 - While driving the Polk County Animal Control truck,
		  dog catcher Kay Bass of Winter Haven, FLA ran over
		  Buffy, a mixed-breed fox terrier.  As Buffy lay dy-
		  ing, Bass issued a ticket to his owner, Jim Atkins,
		  because Buffy wasn't wearing the proper vaccination
		  tags.

	1/21/91 - Berlyn Salazar filed a $250K lawsuit against the
		  city of Espanola, NM after an incident in which, he
		  charged, he was beaten by police.  Salazar said that
		  he required emergency surgery after an officer kicked
		  him in the groin.  Commenting on the case, Espanola
		  Police Chief A.B. Valdez claimed that Salazar, in an
		  effort to implicate the police department, had act-
		  ually kicked himself in the groin.

	1/22/91 - The Kettering, Ohio Fraternal Order of Police Aux-
		  iliary raised $14K by raffling off a shotgun and a
		  .357-caliber magnum revolver.  The proceeds were used
		  to outfit officers with bulletproof vests.

	1/23/91 - The San Francisco Police Department suspended officer
		  Aaron Barnes for 15 days and ordered him to perform
		  100 hours of community service after he allegedly
		  forced a blind woman to clean up the waste of her See-
		  ing Eye Dog.

	1/24/91 - Two men from Hornell, NY were arrested and charged
		  with consensual sodomy after they were discovered to-
		  gether in a car by David Mathis, an undercover state
		  toxic waste investigator.

	1/25/91 - Would-be burglar Steven Little had drunk $35 worth of
		  beer before his attempt to break into a boot store in
		  Longmont, CO, so it wasn't until he began trying to
		  pry open the front door with a crowbar that he realized
		  the shop was still open and people were staring at him
		  from inside.  Little made off empty-handed, but was
		  later found by police asleep in his van.

	1/26/91 - A 7-11 convenience store clerk in Largo, FLA was ac-
		  costed by a robber wearing a pair of underpants over
		  his head.  "He was looking through the leg holes", the
		  clerk told police.

	1/27/91 - William Gillen, 26, entered a bank in Glasgow, Scot-
		  land, with a note that read: "Get the money over right
		  now.  I have a gun."  But on his way to the teller, a
		  bank official told him to wait his turn in line.  Gil-
		  len did, and when he finally reached the window and
		  handed over the note, the teller pressed an alarm but-
		  ton.  Gillen fled but was picked up later by police
		  and placed in a line-up, where the bank official failed
		  to pick him out.  He was charged with attempted robbery,
		  however, after he called out from the line-up, "Hey,
		  don't you recognize me?"

	1/28/91 - Emory University researchers reported that a Georgia
		  man with heart disease noticed that nitrate skin patch-
		  esworn on his chest to suppress heart pain also caused
		  headaches - a common side effect of the treatment.
		  But headaches did not occur if he wore the patches on
		  his leg.  Intrigued, the man rubbed a used nitrate
		  patch on his penis, became aroused, and had sex with
		  his wife.  "Several minutes later", wrote the research-
		  ers, "she wondered why she had the worst headache she
		  ever had in her life".

	1/29/91 - A White Plains, NY youth was charged with indecent ex-
		  posure after he allegedly dropped his pants and exposed
		  himself to a person dressed as Gumby.

	1/30/91 - Would-be thieves broke into a Coca Cola plant and went
		  to work on the company safe with an arc welder.  They
		  fled, however, after realizing they had welded the
		  safe shut.

    Friend of mine just told me this one:
    
    	What does Saddam have in common with his dad?
    
    
    	He forgot to pull out.  :-)
    
    						 glen j.

    
    Re. .27
    
    Hey, keep those coming, Mike.  Those are great!
    
    Dickstah
    

                 National Lampoon's True Facts Calendar - 1991


	1/19/91 - Thirty-year old George Gonzalez was taken to an in-
		  terrogation room in a Miami, FLA police station for
		  questioning.  But detectives couldn't decide who
		  would take him home.  They told Gonzalez to wait,
		  that they would be right back.  Then they forgot a-
		  bout him.  "He stayed in the interview room for 5
		  days without food or water", said police spokesman
		  Richard Roundtree, "and without coming out to tell
		  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
		  anybody about it".

	Sounds like that man got the SHAFT.

    More "Vogonballs" from VNS
    
    "This guy weighs 225 pounds, but he looks more like 240.  He is
    bigger than he looks."

				- ABC sports commentator on Superbowl
				- from Sean Pomphrett (Galway, Ireland)


    "The Silver Anniversary Superbowl was indeed golden."

				- CNN announcer
				- from Deb Bourquard (Nashua, NH, USA)

    +---------------------------+
    | MINORS MUST SHOW ADULT ID |
    +---------------------------+

				- Sign at Wachusett Mtn Ski Rental Office
				- from Senthil Kumar (Shrewsbury, MA, USA)

    "Steve Cauthen is coming up from behind.  He is very easy to spot,
    because he is always so difficult to spot."

                                - Radio Sport Report, BBC TV
				- from Paul Dundon (Reading, England)

    "When everything is said and done, there's nothing else to say or
    do."

				- Darryl Dawkins, former NBA player,
				  in Worcester, MA, Telegram & Gazette
				- from Larry Seiler (Hudson, MA, USA)

    Saddam was walking around his palace one day. He was feeling good about
    his takeover of Kuwait, his upsetting the whole world, etc.
    
    He walked into his private office, and addressing his magic mirror he
    asks,...
    
    
    	"Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most HATED man of all?"
    
    About 5 minutes later he comes storming out of his office, picks up his
    phone, calls one of his ministers and asks....
    

        
    		"so, who is this Mike Dukakis anyway?

    This is old but I just read it today and thought somebody else may get
    a kick out of it.
    
    JaKe
    
    

	          	WHY GUYS LIKE SPORTS

	by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist

Today, in our continuing series on how guys think, we explore the question: 
How come guys care so much about sports?

This is a tough one, because caring about sports is, let's face it, silly.  I
mean, suppose you have a fiend who, for no apparent reason, suddenly becomes
obsessed with Amtrak.  He babbles about Amtrak constantly, citing obscure
railroad statistics from 1978; he puts Amtrak bumper stickers on his car; and
when something bad happens to Amtrak, such as a train crashes and investigators
find  that the engineer was drinking and wearing a bunny suit, your friend
becomes depressed for weeks.  You'd think he was crazy, right?  "Bob," you'd
say to him, as a loving and caring friend, "you're a moron.  The Amtrak
Corporation has *nothing to do with you*."

But if Bob is behaving exactly the same deranged way about, say, the Pittsburgh
Penguins, it's considered normal-guy behavior.  He could name his child
"Pittsburgh Penguin Johnson" and be considered only mildly eccentric.  There is
something wrong with this.  And before you accuse me of being some kind of
sherry-sipping-ascot-wearing ballet-attending MacNeil-Lehrer-Report-watching
wussy, please note that I am a sports guy myself, having had a legendary
athletic career consisting of nearly a third of the 1965 season on the track
team at Pleasantville High School ("Where The Leaders Of Tomorrow Are Leaving
Wads Of Gum On The Auditorium Seats Of Today").  I competed in the long jump,
because it seemed to be the only event where afterward you didn't fall down and
throw up.

I probably would have become an Olympic-caliber long-jumper except that,
through one of those "bad breaks" so common in sports, I turned out to have
the raw leaping ability of a convenience store.  I'd race down the runway and
attempt to soar into the air, and instead of going up I'd be seized by powerful
gravity rays and yanked *downward* and wind up with just my head sticking out
of the dirt, serving as a convenient marker for the other jumpers to take off
from.

So, OK, I was not Jim Thorpe, but I care as much about sports as the next guy. 
If you were to put me in the middle of a room, and in one corner was Albert
Einstein, in another corner was Abraham Lincoln, in another corner was Plato,
in another corner was William Shakespeare, and in another corner (this room is
a pentagon) was a TV set showing a football game between teams that have no
connection whatsoever with my live, such as the Green Bay Packers and the
Indianapolis Colts, I would ignore the greatest minds in Western thought,
gravitate toward the TV, and become far more concerned about the game than I am
about my child's education.  And *so would the other guys*.  I guarantee it. 
Within minutes, Plato would be pounding Lincoln on the shoulder and shouting in
ancient Greek that the receiver did *not* have both feet in bounds.

Obviously, sports connect with something deeply rooted in the male psyche,
dating back to prehistoric times, when guys survived by hunting and fighting,
and they needed many of the skills exhibited by modern athletes - running,
throwing, spitting, renegotiating their contracts, adjusting their private
parts on nationwide television, etc.  So that would explain how comes guys like
to *participate* in sports.  But how come they care so much about games played
by *other* guys?  Does this also date back to prehistoric times?  When hunters
were out hurling spears into mastodons, were there also prehistoric guys
watching from the hills, drinking prehistoric beer, eating really bad
prehistoric hot dogs and shouting "We're No. 1!" but not understanding what it
meant because this was before the development of mathematics?

There must have been, because there is no other explanation for such bizarre
phenomena as:

	Sports-talk radio, where guys who have never sent get-well cards to
their own mothers will express heartfelt, near-suicidal anguish over the
hamstring problems of strangers.

	My editor, Gene, who can remember the complete starting lineups for the
New York Yankee teams from 1960 through 1964, but who routinely makes telephone
calls wherein, after he dials the phone, he forgets who he's calling, so when
somebody answers, Gene has to ask (a) who it is, and, (b) does this person
happen to know the purpose of the call.

	Another guy in my office, John, who appears to be a normal middle-age
husband and father until you realize that he spends most of his waking hours
managing a *pretend baseball team*.  This is true.  He and some other guys have
formed a league where they pay actual money to "draft" major-league players,
and then they have their pretend teams play a whole pretend season, complete
with trades, legalistic memorandums and heated disputes over the rules.  This
is crazy, right?  If these guys said they were managing herds of pretend
caribou, the authorities would be squirting lithium down their throats with
turkey basters, right?  And yet we all act like it's *perfectly normal*.  In
fact, eavesdropping from my office, I find myself getting involved in John's
discussions.  That's how pathetic I am:  I'm capable of caring about a pretend
sports team that's not even my *own* pretend sports team.

So, I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm thinking it's time I got
some perspective in my life.  First thing after the Super Bowl, I'm going to
start paying more attention to the things that should matter to me, like my
work, my friends, and above all my family, especially my little boy,
Philadelphia Phillies Barry/
    

    Oh Saw... that sounded so much like Issac Hayes, it was incredible...
    Except, you forgot his things on the side... (or messed them up)
    
	Who's the black private dic, who's a sex machine for all the
		chicks
	(Shaft, Ya Damn Right)

	Who's the man who won't cop out, when there's danger all about?
	(Shaft, Right On )

     	He's a complicated man, no one understands him but his woman....
        (John Shaft, Can ya dig it?)
	
    	They say that Shaft is a bad mother
	(Shut your mouth)

	I'm talking 'bout Shaft...(I forgot)
	(Right on)
                                   
    
    I think this is right... Sheesh, I'm gonna have to pull out my
    Soundtracks tape from the 70's party we had... (Side 1, track 1,
    followed by Welcome back, Close Encounters and Theme From SWAT I
    think)...
    
    -Walt

Walt, nothin' like a WhiteBoy tryin' to do Issac Hayes, eh?  [many 8^)]

Theme from Shaft was a favorite of mine, because I was alway into that
kind of musice.  Herbie Hancock and Chick Corea and Isaac Hayes all
made up a kind of jazz/funk/almost_rock that as really pretty cool....

We should have a 70s Noters GetTogether!

    
    Three guys are out on their annual fishing trip to Canada.  They're
    trolling along when one of the guys in the back of the boat reaches for
    a beer and slips overboard.
    
    "Hey!" shouts one of the others, "Charlie's fallen overboard and he's
    nowhere to be seen!"  "I'm going down after him!" says the other.
    
    After feeling aroung the bottom for a while, the guy emerges. "Here,
    help he haul him into the boat and I'll start mouth-to-mouth."
    
    After a few minutes of working on Charlie, the guy says, gasping for
    air, "Wow!  I didn't know Charlie had such bad breath."
    
    "Yeah," says the other, "and funny...I don't remember Charlie wearing
    a snowmobile suit either."
    
    Dickstah
    

    Why do high schools in Cleveland only teach driver's ed three days a
    week?
    
    
    
    Because they need the car the other two days for sex ed.
    
    
    
    Why can't they teach driver's ed and sex ed in Iraq on the same day?
    
    
    
    Because it's too hard on the camel.

    Well, I gots 6 or 7 cassettes worth. (Can't record on 8-tracks).  This
    set puts the tv collections to shame.  1 Disco, 1 classic, 1 really
    bad (Muskrat Love, Streak, Feelings, YMCA, I honestly Love you,
    Fernando, Seasons in the Sun...) 1 soundtrack and 2 or 3 "other".

    
    I'll send mail.
    
    Dickstah
    

    Dickstah,
    
    You better send a lotta mail!!
    
    PJ

    
    
    Dickstah,
    
    SHAME....SHAME....SHAME,
    
    
    Did you have the express written permission from that Chicago-based
    publication prior to posting your joke?
    
    My favorite was the SI swimsuit-babe huggin her knees!  Nice heart!!
    ;^)
    
    Kev
    

    Send me mail too...

    re: last few
    
    must be from the warmer climate states

    (in imitation Mr. Rogers voice):
    "Can you say    "THICK"?????
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    THUCK, THACK, THIT, CHICK.... nah, guess not...

    Dickster, thanks for that one.  My wife nearly chocked when I told her
    that one last night during dinner!!  :*)
    
    lEe

    
    Yo Jake,
    
    	You mean thick as in thick ice?  Like maybe ice that was once
    	thick but then got thin?  And then, maybe some stoooopid
    	snowmobiler was cruising acrossed it and it gave way underneath
    	him thus drowning the poor wretch.  Oooh, oooh, and then, like,
    	the two guys in the joke mistook the snowmobiler for their
    	buddy?  Thanks for the help!  ;^)
    
    Claybroon

    
    Claybroon,
    
    Thanks for the assist.  The mailing list was getting too long!
    
    Well *I* liked the joke. Is it in the telling of it that something gets
    lost, or is it one of those "you had to be there" types?
    
    Dickstah
    

>    Well *I* liked the joke. Is it in the telling of it that something gets
>    lost, or is it one of those "you had to be there" types?
    
    Nawww, it was a great joke.  Either you got it and laughed hysterically
    or you didn't get it and scratched your head.

It was a GREAT joke.  I almost pissed my pants when I read it.......

'Saw

    Can someone mail it  to me?

    re-.1  Ditto
    
    I luvd it.  A couple of people I've told it to have just given me
    strange looks ie, wazzat mean, but some have either wretched or went
    into hysterics.
    
    Claybroon thanks for trying to clarify what I meant by thick but I
    meant as in skull, nothing sinks in.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    make .55 say ditto .53.  
    
    Mike H. beat my reply and made my -.1 obsolete.  Thanks Mike!!!
    (8^0*
    
    JaKe
    

    Ok, I guess I got it, but didn't roll... My reaction was "Yeah, so
    it wasn't Charlie... so?"
    
    
    

    I understood what the joke meant, but come on it wasnt that good....

    I also thought the joke wasn't that good!  Unless, the guy in the
    snowmobile suit is someone we should all know.
    
    The best joke I know is.......read on.....
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    	JAKE!

    
    	Glad to help there Dickstah.  At first I thought to myself, "Self,
    	aw man that's GROSS!".  Then I giggled cuz it sorta reminded me
    	of those "definition of gross" jokes.  I think we've all heard 'em
    	and NO they are not appropriate in this file ;^)
    
    	Jake, I knew what you meant by thick.  I was just trying to help
    	out those with less than a warped sense of humor.
    
    	Claybroon

      What was the last number drawn in the Iraqi bingo game last night?



                  B 52

    I heard it differently.  Seems some guys are snowmobiling, and they cut
    across a lake.  One of the guys and his snowmobile fall through the
    ice.
    
    One guy dives in and pulls the guy up, giving him mouth ta mouth - and
    he says he doesn't remember Joe wearing a vest and carrying a creel.
    
    JD

Q: Why do America and Kuwait need each other?


A: Kuwait is a banking system without a country
   and America is a country without a banking system.


    
                  Did you hear about the new Iraqi beer?
    

    
             It's called Scud-Lite and it Never Hits the Spot.

Excerpts from:    
                    DAVE BARRY LOOKS BACK AT 1989
        Jan 1
    
    In college football action, the University of Donald Trump "Fighting
    Donald Trumps" win the national championship in the Donald Trump Bowl by
    purchasing a last-second field goal for a reported $23 million. 
    President-elect George Bush appoints a blue-ribbon White House
    Horseshoe Pit Site Selection task force.
    
    19
    
    Ronald Reagan pardons George Steinbrenner.  This really happened.  In
    Miami, with tens of thousands of visitors and media people in town for
    the Super Bowl, the first major official event, billed as "An All-Night
    Car Burn and Rock Throw," goes off without a hitch.
    
    22
    
    The San Francisco 49ers defeat the Cincinnati Bengals to win the Super
    Bowl.  This is a severe blow to the savings-and-loan industry, which
    had bet $275 million on the San Diego Padres.
    
    Feb 
    
    11
    
    President Bush, in his first major initiative as president, calls for
    $350 million War on Trout.
    
    March 
    
    12
    
    President Bush, chastened by the Tower fiasco, announces his new nominee
    for secretary of defense, Leon Spinks.  In other boxing news, Mike Tyson,
    citing "irreconcilable differences," drops Robin Givens from a jet. 
    
    24
    
    Michael Jordan becomes the first human being to land on Saturn.  He is
    fouled on the play.
    
    28
    
    Ronald Reagan, described by close friends as "overtired," attempts to
    pardon Billy Martin.
    
    May 
    
    8
    
    Suspicions that Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose may be gambling on
    baseball are aroused when, in a crucial ninth-innning situation, he
    orders his pitcher blindfolded.
    
    31
    
    Somebody wins yet another exciting and memorable running of the
    Indianapolis 500, an exhibition of driving skill featuring cars
    sponsored by Budweiser, Miller, Budweiser Light, Miller dry, Budweiser
    Wet, Jim Beam, Marlboro, Miller Flat, Camel, and the Medellin Drug
    Cartel.
    
    June 
    
    19
    
    Barry Switzer, fed up with constant harassment over alleged NCAA rules
    violations, resigns as coach of the University of Oklahoma, deeply
    saddening his players, some of whom have been with him more than 15
    years.  
    
    July 
    
    8
    
    Thousands of refugees stream out of Beirut, fleeing the increasing
    violence and devastation caused by British soccer fans.  
    
    Aug 
    
    24
    
    Pete Rose is permanently banished from baseball after ordering the
    Cincinnati Reds to play an entire game wearing restrictive evening
    gowns.  He immediately accepts a high-level position in the
    savings-and-loan industry.  

Excerpts from Dave Barry's 1990 Year in Review:
    
	JANUARY
    
    	1. In college football, the University of Miami wins the national
    championship, causing the collapse of 17 savings-and-loan institutions
    that had bet on Notre Dame.
    
    	28. In yet another memorable Super Bowl, cold weather grips much of
    the nation.
    
	FEBRUARY
    
    	19. A dispute between professional baseball team owners and players
    results in the cancellation of Spring Training, posing a grave threat
    to the nation's spit supply.
    
	21. In an upset that shocks the boxing world, heavyweight champion
Mike Tyson is knocked out by actress Robin Givens. 
    
	MARCH
    
    	5. True item: Cardinal John O'Connor reveals that twice in the past
    year, New York City priests have performed exorcisms to cure people who
    are possessed by demons. The cardinal does not mention George
    Steinbrenner by name.
    
	JUNE
    
    	10. In a major World Cup soccer development, Macaroon defeats the
    Republic of Lower Zwit.
    
    	18. In golf, tension and high drama grip the U.S. Open as Hale
    Irwin and Mike Donald show up wearing the same pants.
    
	JULY
    
    	1. In World Cup soccer action, Japan defeats everybody by
    purchasing two goals in the final minute.
    
	4. True item: President Bush spears his palm while cleaning a fish.
    
    	7. Vice President In Training Dan Quayle, attempting to clean a
    fish, spears the Norwegian ambassador.
    
    	16. As a wave of patriotic fervor sweeps the nation, Nebraska
    becomes the 27th state to approve a constitutional amendment that would
    prohibit Roseanne Barr from singing the national anthem.
    
    	19. In a sad day for baseball, Pete Rose, convicted of failure to
    pay taxes on gambling income, is named to the board of directors of the
    Silverado Savings and Loan.
    
    	27. Showing great social awareness, the PGA announces that it will
    no longer hold golf tournaments at country clubs that own slaves.
    
    	30. Major League Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent, exercising his
    authority to protect the best interests of baseball, has George
    Steinbrenner fed to weasels. 
    
	AUGUST
    
	SEPTEMBER
    
    	26. Fun-loving U.S. ally China opens the 11th annual Asian Games
    with a dramatic ceremony featuring 250 bombers performing the
    spectacular Political Dissident Drop.
    
	OCTOBER
    
    	1. True item: The Goodyear blimp is forced to land after being
    attacked and punctured by a radio-controlled airplane.
    
    	14. The eyes of the international chess community focus on New York
    City, where Soviet-born chess champion Garry Kasparov prepares for what
    is expected to be another classic match against James ``Buster''
    Douglas.
    
    	19. In championship chess action, the opening match ends in a draw
    when Garry Kasparov attempts a daring Queen Rook Gambit, only to see
    the wily James ``Buster'' Douglas lunge across the table and grab both
    of the champion's Ring Dings. 
    
	DECEMBER
    
    	12. In World Cup Soccer Riot action, British fans easily defeat the
    Belgian Army.

    "Republic of Lower Zwit"  Ha ha ha ha ha.  :*)
    
    lEe

    from VNS:
    
"He has an injured groin, but he is still playing with it."

				- Hockey color commentator Gary Unger
				- from Doug Woytkiw (Calgary, Alberta, Canada)

    More from Vogonballs:
    
    "This exciting videocassette will bring back memories of fights
    you've seen and haven't seen."

				- TV ad for Muhammad Ali's boxing video
				- from Marc Reid (Littleton, MA, USA)

    "It was a bit like a game of chess; they kicked the ball from one
    end to the other."

				- John Monie, BBC1
				- from Jeff Nagle (Reading, England.)

    Saddam Hussein will enter the NBA draft and will undoubtedly be a
    lottery pick.
    
    
    
    He is the only person able to shoot over Jordan.
    

    Saddam Hussein as heard today: "Well we may have lost the war but at
    least we locked up the first pick in the draft!!"
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    An Iraqi POW in back of the long line of prisoners being sent for
    processing:  "What do you mean POW, I thought this was the line for
    DisneyWorld!!"
    
    
    JaKe
    

What did the USA learn in the Persian Gulf?


Don't send 500,000 when only 5,000 will do....

(Sorry, heard it on the radio this morning)

    
    A buddy of mine told me that they're going to rename Iraq.
    
    Now we'll have the neighboring countries of Iran & Irun.
    
    Jb

    This isn't real dirty, but...
    
    
    
    
    ...hit NEXT UNSEEN if dirty jokes are not your bag.  Thanks.
    
    
    
    
    What do Saddam Husein and Kotex have in common?
    
    
    
    
    They both rub Bush the wrong way.
    

    After being in the Garden a while, Adam became lonely and asked God to
    create him a woman.  God said, "I can create a woman that will cook for
    you, clean for you, tend to your every need, and never talk back to
    you."
    
    Adam asked, "What will that cost me?"  God replied, "An arm and a leg."
    So Adam says,
    
    "What can I get for a rib?"

 
Some signs written in english, from around the world:
----------------------------------------------------- 
 
In a Paris hotel elevator:
     Please leave your values at the front desk.
 
In a Japanese hotel:
     You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
 
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
     Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
 
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
     Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
 
In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
     Drop your trousers here for best results.
 
Outside a Paris dress shop:
     Dresses for street walking.
 
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
     Order you summers suit.  Because is big rush we will
     execute customers in strict rotation.
 
In a Zurich Hotel:
     Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
     opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
     be used for this purpose.
 
In a Rome Laundry:
     Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the day having a
     good time.
 
In a Bangkok temple:
     It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
     dressed as a man.
 
In a Tokyo bar:
     Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
 
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
     We take your bags and send them in all directions.
 
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
     Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
 
In the office of a Roman doctor:
     Specialist in women and other diseases.
 
In an Acapulco hotel:
     Manager has personally passed all the water served here.
 
From a Japanese information booklet about using hotel air conditioners:
     Cooles and Heates:  If you want just condition of warm in your
     room, please control yourself.
 
 

    
    Special (totally clean) joke for Frankwa:
    
    
    What's it called when someone rubs a Volkswagen on your haid?
    
    
    
    
    a fahrvergnoogie

    > What's it called when someone rubs a Volkswagon on your haid?
    
    > a fahrvergnoogie
    
    What's it called when someone rubs a 16 yr old surgeon on yer haid?
    
    
    a fahrvergdoogie

    What's U.S.M.C. stand for?
    
    Uncle Sam's Misfit Children

    U Signed da Motherf****** Contract

       What's it called when someone rubs a cookie on your haid?
    Fahrfignewton!
                          Denny

I knew htat

Mike JN

   >>I knew htat
    
    Really? What was he like? Did he drink beer?

                            BOWLING IS A BALL

             by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
           copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, April 1, 1990

        If you're looking for a sport that offers both of the Surgeon
    General's Two Recommended Key Elements of Athletic Activity,
    namely (1) rental shoes, and (2) beer, then you definitely want to
    take up bowling.

        I love to bowl.  I even belong to a bowling team, the Pin
    Worms.  How good are we?  I don't wish to brag, but we happen to
    be ranked, in the World Bowling Association standings under the
    heading "Severly Impaired."  Modern science has been baffled in
    its efforts to predict what will happen to a given ball that has
    bee released by a Pin Worm.  The Strategic Air Command routinely
    tracks our bowling balls on radar in case one of them threatens a
    mojor population center and has to be destroyed with missiles.

        But the thing is, we have fun.  That's what I like about
    bowling: You can have fun even if you stink, unlike in, say,
    tennis.  Every decade or so I attempt to play tennis, and it
    always consists of 37 seconds of actually hitting the ball, and
    two hours of yelling "Where did the ball go?"  "Over that
    condominium!" etc.  Whereas with bowling, once you let go of the
    ball, it's no longer your legal responsibility.  They have these
    wonderful machines that find it for you and send it right back. 
    Some of these machines can also keep score for you.  In the
    Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear
    rental shoes and throw the ball for you.  Your sole function will
    be to drink beer.

        Besides convenience, bowling offers drama.  I recently
    witnessed an extremely dramatic shot by a young person named
    Madeline, age 3, who is cute as a button but much smaller.  We
    were in the 10th frame, and Madeline had frankly not had a good
    game in the sense of knodking down any of the pins or even getting
    the ball to go all the way to the end of the lane without
    stopping.  So on her last turn, she got up there, and her daddy
    put the ball down in front of her, and she pushed it with both
    hands.  Nothing appeared to happen, but if you examined the ball
    with sensitive scientific instruments, you could determine that it
    was actually rolling.  We all watched it anxiously.  Time passed. 
    The ball kept rolling.  Neighboring bowlers stopped to watch.  The
    ball kept rolling.  Spectators started drifting in off the street. 
    TV news crews arrived.  A half-dozen communist governments fell. 
    Still Madeline's ball kept rolling.  Finally, incredibly, it
    reached the pins and, in the world's first live slow-motion replay, 
    knocked them all down.  Of course by then Madeline had children of
    her own, but it was still very exciting.

        For real bowling excitement, however, you can't beat Ponch,
    the bowling dog.  I'm not making Ponch up; he holds the rank of
    German shepherd in the Miami Police Department, and he bowls in
    charity tournaments.  He uses a special ramp built by his partner,
    K-9 Officer Bill Martin.  Bill puts the ball on the ramp, then
    Ponch jumps up and knocks the ball down the ramp with his teeth. 
    It looks very painful, but Ponch loves it.  He loves it so much
    that as soon as the ball starts rolling, he wants to get it back,
    so he starts sprinting down the lane after it, barking, his feet
    flailing wildly around, cartoon-style, on the slick wood.  (This
    is a violation of the rules, but nobody is brave enough to tell
    Ponch.)

        When Ponch is about halfway down the lane, he suddenly sees
    his ball disappear into the machinery, so he whirls around and
    flails his way back to the ball-return tunnel, where he sticks his
    head *down into the hole,* barking furiously, knowing that his
    ball is in there somewhere, demanding that it be returned
    *immediately*, and then suddenly - *wham!* - there it is, hitting
    Ponch directly in the face at approximately 40 miles per hour, and
    *he could not be happier.*  He is *overjoyed* to see his ball
    again, because that means Officer Bill's going to put it on the
    ramp and Ponch can hit it with his teeth again!  Hurrah!

        Not only is Ponch a lot of fun to watch, but he's also very
    naive about scoring, so you can cheat.  "Sorry, Ponch," you can
    say.  "I scored 5,490 in that last game, so you owe me a million
    dollars." He'll just wag his tail.  Money means nothing to him. 
    But touch his ball and he'll rip out your throat.
    

    Hey Lee!  This Barry's for you!  ;^)
    
		Semi-tough pastimes for the jocks over 40
				from
			The Dallas Morning News
			   May 23, 1990
				by
		             Dave Barry


	In the Pantheon of Sports Heroes (located next to the Skeet 
Shooting Hall of Fame), you'll find the names of legendary athletes 
who remained active in sports well after they turned 40 - Babe Ruth, 
Jack Dempsey, Picasso, Secretariat.
	What do these great competitors have in common?  They're all 
dead.  So you can see how important it is for you to slow down as you 
get older, to abandon the active sports you enjoyed so much in your 
youth - basketball, tennis, racquetball, drinking a quart of Jim Beam 
and leaping naked into the motel pool from the eighth-floor balcony, 
etc.  It's time to start "acting your age" by getting involved in the 
kinds of sports activities appropriate for mature, responsible adults, 
such as:

			Shrieking at
	  	       Little Leaguers

To participate in this highly popular sport, all you need is  small 
child who would be infinitely happier home playing in the dirt, and 
put a uniform on this child and make him stand for hours on a field with 
other reluctant children no more capable of hitting or catching or 
accurately throwing a baseball than they are of performing 
neurosurgery.  Then you and the other grown-ups stand around the 
perimeter and leap up and down and shriek at these children as though 
the fate of the human race depended on their actions.

The object of the game is to activate your child if the ball goes near 
him, similar to the way you use levers to activate the little men in 
table-hockey games.  Your child stands in right field, picking his 
nose, staring into space, oblivious to the game., and when the ball 
comes rolling his way your job is to leap violently up and down and 
shriek "GET THE BALL!, GET THE BALL!" for several minutes until your 
child is aroused from his reverie long enough to discover, to his 
amazement, the ball.  Of all things!  Right here in the middle of a 
Little League game!  While your child is staring at the ball as if 
examining a large an unusual tropical insect, you switch to yelling 
"THROW THE BALL!, THROWTHEBALL!! *THROW THE BALL*, DAMMIT!"  After 
several minutes, an idea will start to form deep in your child's brain: 
*perhaps he should throw the ball*  Yes! It's crazy, but it just might 
work!
	And so, seconds before you go into cardiac arrest on the 
sideline, your child will pick up the ball and hurl it, Little-League 
style, in a totally random direction, then resume picking his nose 
and staring into space.  As you collapse, exhausted, the ball will 
roll in the general direction of some other child, whose unfortunate 
parent must try to activate him.  Meanwhile, the other team's parents 
will be shrieking to their children to run around the bases in the 
correct direction.

		Other Sports for Older People

	Probably the fastest-growing sport for the over-40 person is 
one that combines the advantages of a good cardiovascular workout with 
the advantages of looking like you have a bizarre disorder of the 
central nervous system.  I refer to:

			Walking Like a Dork

	Walking like a dork has become popular among older people who 
used to jog for their health but could no longer afford the orthopedic 
surgery.  The object of dork-walking is to make  simple, everyday 
act, namely walking, look as complex and strenuous as Olympic 
pole-vaulting.  To do this, you need to wear a special outfit, 
including high-tech color-coordinated shorts and sweatcloths and 
headbands and wristbands and a visor and a Sony Walkperson tape 
player, little useless weights for your hands and special dork-walking 
shoes that cost as much as roundtrip air fare to London.
	But the most important thing is your walking technique.  You 
have to make your arms and legs as stiff as possible and swing them 
violently forward and back in an awkward, vaguely Richard Nixionlike 
manner.  It helps a lot to have an enormous butt, waving around back 
there like the Fuji blimp in a tornado.
	You may find that even dork-walking is too strenuous.  In this 
case you'll want to look into the ultimate aging-person activity, a 
"sport" that requires so little physical activity that major tournaments 
are routinely won by coma victims.  I refer to:



				Golf

Nobody knows exactly how golf got started.  probably what happened 
was, thousand of years ago, a couple of primitive guys were standing 
around, holding some odd-shaped sticks, and they noticed  gold ball 
lying on the grass, and said: "Hey! Let's see if we can hit this into 
a hole!"  And then they said: "Nah, let' just tell long boring 
anecdotes about it instead.'
	Which is basically the object of golf.  You put on the most 
unattractive pants money can buy, and get together in the clubhouse with 
other golfers and drone away for hours about how you "bogeyed" your 
three-iron on the par six or whatever.
	If you actually get into golf, you can actually try to play 
it.  I did once, with a friend named Paul, who is an avid golfer in 
the sense that if he had to choose between playing golf and ensuring 
permanent world peace, he'd want to know how many holes.
	The way we played was, first Paul would hit the ball directly 
toward the  hole.  When it was my turn, we'd drive the cart to wherever 
my ball was, which sometimes meant taking the interstate.  When we 
arrived at our destination, Paul would examine the situation and 
suggest a club.
	"Try a five-iron here" he'd say, as if he honestly believed it 
would make a difference.
	Then with a straight face, he'd give me very specific 
directions as to where I should hit the ball.  Sometimes after my 
swing, the ball would still be there, surrounded by a miniature scene 
of devastation, similar to the view airborne politicians have of 
federal disaster areas.  Sometimes the ball would be gone, which was 
the signal to look up and see how hard Paul was trying not to laugh.  
Usually he was trying very hard, which meant the ball had gone about 
as far as you would hide an Easter egg from a small child with 
impaired vision.  But sometimes the ball had completely disappeared, 
and we'd look for it but we'd never see it again.
    

 
DAVE BARRY
	October is almost here, sports fans, and you know what that means:
It means two-thirds of the National Football League has already been
sidelined with knee injuries. But it also means that we're entering the
pulse-pounding final weeks of the current baseball season, which began,
according to my calculations, in 1987.
	And what a season it has been! The big highlight, of course, was
George Steinbrenner receiving a lifetime suspension from the game for
invading Kuwait. Also there have been a number of ``no-hitters,'' a very
exciting brand of baseball action wherein one of the teams never even
THREATENS to win. One of these was pitched by the phenomenal Nolan Ryan,
who, at 67 years old, continues to rack up victories, because the
umpires feel sorry for him.
	UMPIRE: Strike one!
	BATTER: Wait a minute! He didn't even PITCH it yet!
	UMPIRE: Strike three!
	Yes, these are the things that make baseball a fundamental American
institution, like call waiting and NutraSweet. My own fond baseball
memories date back to when I was a youngster in Little League, and huge
mutant opposition youngsters would pitch baseballs into my left kidney
at an estimated 425 miles per hour. Back then I formed a feeling for the
game that persists today, especially when I make sudden movements, and
as a father I've done my best to pass ``baseball fever'' along to my
son.
	``Hey, Robby!'' I'll say, just as sports-loving American dads have
said to their youngsters for generations. ``Let's play the `Bases
Loaded' baseball game on the Nintendo!'' Robby enjoys this, because it
gives him an opportunity to pick up some ``pointers'' from his old man:
	ME: What's the score?
	ROBBY: I have 157 and you have 3.
	ME: Shut up.
	Yes, baseball brings out powerful emotions, as you know if you saw
the deeply moving picture ``Field of Dreams,'' which tells the
heartwarming story of a man, played by Kevin Costner, who receives
instructions from corn. One day the corn tells him to build a baseball
field next to his house, so naturally he does. (It could have been
worse: A really malevolent vegetable, such as zucchini, would have told
him to build a nuclear reactor.)
	Watching this movie, especially the emotion-packed ending, I had
tears in my eyes as I thought to myself: ``How come my wife never looks
at me the way she looks at Kevin Costner?'' I'm not saying she doesn't
love me: I'm just saying that her eyes have more of a laser quality when
they're zeroing in on Kevin Costner, and I say it's unfair. I mean, when
she gets a close look at him, it's always from a very flattering camera
angle, plus he has just had his hair done and his makeup applied and his
teeth capped and his jeans shrunk; whereas when she gets a close look at
me, it's in a less impressive situation, such as I'm checking to see
whether I can still make comical noises with my armpit. I think we need
a federal law requiring that whenever a known hunk appears in a movie,
there has to be some detail designed to make him, in some subtle way,
less attractive.
	MOVIE ACTRESS: Let's take off most of our clothes and enact a
passionate love scene.
	KEVIN COSTNER: OK, but first take a look at this nostril zit.
	- - -
	NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Our starting columnist has gotten himself
mired in a severe digression here, so in an effort to finish this column
on the original topic, we're going to bring in a relief columnist.
	- - -
	Baseball. It's often called ``a game of inches,'' and for good
reason: Sports fans would get angry if you came right out and called it
``a game where guys getting paid millions of dollars stand around doing
absolutely nothing for minutes on end except spit.'' The reason for
this, of course, is: Strategy. As you know if you listen to expert
droning baseball analysts on TV, more strategic thought goes into ONE
SINGLE PITCH than into the entire U.S. foreign policy:
	BROADCAST ANALYST: In this situation, Garcia might throw the curve,
although Edwards could be LOOKING for the curve, so Garcia might come
with the slider, unless of course he thinks that Edwards THINKS he's
going with the slider, in which case he might go with the FASTBALL,
although for that VERY REASON he might decide to go with the original
curve, although as I said earlier Edwards might be LOOKING for the
curve, so Garcia might come with the ...
	PLAY-BY-PLAY MAN: Bob, the game ended 45 minutes ago.
	BROADCAST ANALYST: Hey, there's drool on my microphone.
 
	(C) 1990 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
    

By Dave Barry [Boston Sunday Globe, October 14, 1990]

Hunting season is almost here, and soon thousands of sportspersons will
be out in the woods, stalking the wily deer as their pioneer
foreparents once did, armed with nothing but their wits.  Plus of
course their guns.  Plus maybe:

. A TM2-100 Infrared Trail Monitor ($149.99), which attaches to a tree
and "monitors big game activity in your hunting area," then "digitally
displays day, month and time that game penetrates zone."

. A Deluxe Cassette Game Caller ($179.99) that attracts various types
of game by playing taped animal noises over a "powerful long-range
speaker."  Among the cassettes available at $7.99 each are "Baby
Cottontail Squeals" and "Bugling Elk During Rut."

. A selection of chemical deer attractants, including "The Rut Stuff,"
which is "formulated from 'in-heat' doe and cow urine secretions."

. Plus many other high-tech hunting products that can raise the cost of
getting a wily deer to roughly $1,352 per wily ounce.

These fine hunting products and many more are listed in a
sportsperson-supplies catalog put out by Gander Mountain Inc., which I
recommend to those of you who enjoy entertaining reading.  Be sure to
check out the photograph on the cover, which shows a hunter wearing a
complete hunting ensemble, featuring color-coordinated bright-orange
hat, jacket, pants and gloves, plus perhaps a seductive dab of doe and
cow urine secretions behind each earlobe.  He's sitting on a fallen
log, holding his rifle and looking vigilantly off into the distance
while, about 30 feet behind him, a large deer is bounding gaily through
the forest, probably trying hard not to burst out laughing.  The hunter
appears to be totally unaware of the deer.  Perhaps the batteries have
died in his Infrared Trail Monitor.

I was so tickled by the Gander Mountain catalog that I called the alert
reader who sent it to me, Barbara Clark of Greenfield, Wis., to thank
her, and she told me about a True Hunting Adventure that happened to
her husband's best friend's father.  He was stalking deer in the
northern Wisconsin woods, when he came to a clearing, and standing
there, in all its silent majesty, was a 12-point buck.  Realizing that
this was a once-in-a-lifetime chance, Barbara Clark's husband's best
friend's father took careful aim and fired, and the deer fell over, and ...

And stuffing came out of it.

Yes.  He shot a stuffed deer.  It had been placed there by Wisconsin
game officials to trap hunters who shoot deer from the road, which is
illegal and unsportspersonlike and unfair to the honest hunters
crouched in the woods with their chemical attractants.

I called the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources for more
information about the decoy-deer program, and spokesperson Ron Groener
told me that it has caused "quite a to-do" because "the people who are
caught claim it's entrapment."  (This is of course the same defense
that was raised by Washington, D.C., Mayor And Role Model Marion Barry
after he was lured to a bugged hotel room by federal narcotics agents
using a stuffed deer.)

The point is that you sportspersons need to be careful out there,
especially in light of these alarming reports about radioactive deer. 
If you think I'm making this up, check out the article on Page 22 of
the August 1990 issue of Scientific American, which was sent to me by
alert reader Dan McFaddin.  The article states that radioactive wastes
from Department of Energy nuclear-weapons facilities have been
contaminating wildlife.  Here is a direct quote:

"At the Savannah River Plant in South Carolina former DOE engineer
William Lawless remembers when radioactive turtles were found two miles
from the site on a commercial hog farm."

Think about that.  *Radioactive turtles.*  Other species that have been
contaminated, according to the article, include geese, ducks, rabbits,
coyotes and -- note the wording carefully here -- "an exploding deer population."

I don't like the sound of that at *all.*  You don't have to be a
nuclear physicist to realize that it's only a matter of time before one
of these deer reaches critical mass, and some unsuspecting sportsperson
takes a shot at it, and BLAM, all that's left of the immediate forest
is a large crater and a mushroom cloud containing billions of tiny
glowing sportsmolecules.  We can only hope, as caring humans, that such
a tragedy never occurs; or, if it does, that it will be available on
rental video cassette.
    

    
    More media gaffs courtesy of VNS
    
    "It's a goood job I'm not colour blind because both teams are
    playing in black and white."

				- Harry Gration, BBC radio 5
    
    "Your ambition, is that right, is to abseil across the English Channel?"

				- Cilla Black, ITV

    "We've got some good players and so have they, that's the difference."

				- Australian rugby official, BBC1

    "It was a game of three halves."

				- Steve Davis. Snooker. BBC1

    "This football (soccer) match has not been cancelled because of
    Arctic conditions, it's been cancelled because of a frozen pitch."

				- Bob Wilson, BBC1
				- from Jeff Nagle (Reading England)

    What do you do if Saddam Hussein, Khadaffi, and Jesse Helms are in one
    room and you only have a gun with two bullets?
    
    
    
    Shoot Jesse Helms twice.
    

It seems that the Detroit Pistons are looking at drafting Saddam Hussian. 















He is the only one that can shoot over Jordan. 

From: dvb@emisle.emisle (David Van Beveren)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.hockey
Organization: Emerald Isle Systems, Ltd. Agoura Hills, CA
 
 
(From the L.A. Times)
Phil Esposito, on how he got Japanese investors to put money into his Tampa Bay
expansion ice hockey team: "They thought I said sake."

    
    
    
David Van Beveren                           INTERNET: emisle!dvb@ism.isc.com
EIS ltd. Professional Software Services     UUCP:   ..uunet!emisle!dvb
voice: (818) 587-1247
    

    Had this forwarded to me today.  Perhaps you've seen it:
    
(Many forwards deleted)

    
     	Once upon a time there was a famous American football team who
     rocketed to stardom because they played an amazingly creative type of
     football, beat all the opponents, won lots of trophies and earned
     huge quantities of cash.

     	Thousands of fans turned out to watch their imaginative	plays
     inspired by their head coach known as Ol' Kenson.	More conventional
     teams swore that it was impossible to win 	playing in this way, but
     they were wrong. The team just went on winning.

     	It was great for the players too because they only needed to
     contribute to the team's success for about 6 months and then, if
     they acted smart, they got to be on the coaching team.  After a
     while there were an awful lot of coaches sitting in the stadium
     but it didn't matter so much because there were still lots of fans
     paying even more cash to watch the games.

     	Then one day a new sport came on the scene, it was called	
     "soccer".  It really was a laughing stock, you just needed	a round
     ball and a couple of kids and off you went and had	fun.  It could
     never work, certainly it could never rival football...Ol' Kenson said
     so himself.
	 
     	So the just team went on winning, earning masses of money,	
     promoting more and more players to coaching positions.  The coaches
     took up more and more seats in the stadium but they too were intrigued
     at watching their own team playing to notice.
	
     	The coaches started talking to each other during the timeouts and
     found it was a lot of fun, even more fun than watching the	plays.
     Needless to say they started to invite their friends to join them in
     this super pastime of sitting in the comfy chairs and chatting about
     life in general.

     	Fairly soon about three quarters of the seats in the stadium	
     were filled with coaches, which didn't leave too much space for the
     fans who were really the ones who financed the show. 

     	Luckily the team went on playing by itself, still winning, still
     earning money until one of the coaches said: "Hey,	guys, don't you
     think we ought to do a little coaching from time to time?"  This
     caused quite a stir and the coaches had to	get together in special
     meetings to decide something.

     	They flew around the world, met the experts, consulted with
     colleagues and finally decided that they had discovered an astonishing
     new coaching method: "Coaching by doing Nothing at All!"  They had a
     huge celebration.

     	Meanwhile the team was getting into a bit of trouble.  All these
     coaches meetings meant many of the seats were unoccupied and the fans
     found it a bit drafty, even though the plays still looked good, it
     wasn't so comfortable as before.

     	And then there was this new sport that was coming up!  It was
     starting to look interesting too so some of the fans went to watch
     that, even though Ol' Kenson said it was "snake oil".

     	Then one day the public decided that they weren't so interested	in
     paying large amounts of money to watch football any more.	Soccer was
     altogether cheaper.  The team's revenue started to go down, they could
     sell the tickets for so much money any more.

	But the team just had to go on playing.

     	The coaches got into a terrible fuss and decided to multiply the
     number of meetings with each other to discuss and decide something
     urgently to get things right again.

	But the team just had to go on playing.

     	It was discovered that the players benefited from all sorts of	
     things like hot showers, free orange juice and healthy meals.  By
     eliminating these goodies the problem was sure to be solved!  The
     coaches cheered themselves loudly, patted each other on the	
     back and had a celebratory drink or two.

     	But the team just had to go on playing.  One of them did	
     suggest that if the players couldn't have juice maybe the coaches
     couldn't have champagne ... he was fired.

     	The problem did not go away so the coaches, who were just loving
     this situation because they had something to achieve, flew around and
     got together and discovered that the players also got extensive
     training in nice locations to make them fit to play the winning way.
     By severely reducing this cost the problem would solve itself.
     Celebration time again.

     	But the team just had to go on playing. One of them did suggest
     that these "extras" actually helped the team get the results ... he
     was fired.

     	The situation got worse and worse. The coaches started to get
     creative: reducing the size of the playing field to about the
     dimensions of a tennis court would save maintenance money, changing
     the players socks only once a month instead of once a match would save
     cleaning costs, making the players pay their own fares to away matches
     would save travel expenses ...
	
     	But the team just had to go on playing.  One of them did suggest
     that maybe the coaches had once been good players but they really
     hadn't had much practice in coaching ... he was fired.

     	No improvement, no improvement.  The coaches really were wondering.
     More and more meetings were needed.  Then breakthrough: a brilliant
     inspiration had struck. 

     	One of the coaches had noticed during a recent rare trip to the
     stadium that a lot of the players sat on the sidelines while the
     game was going on. 

     	Apparently there was an offense and a defense and a punt return
     squad, etc.  If these guys could just be *flexible* then not so many
     were needed ... and they could sell off the other players to the
     outside world who all wanted flexible players too!  What a celebration
     they had then.

     	"Be flexible! Be flexible", chanted the massed ranks of	coaches in
     unison.
	
     	The players were very puzzled by that and asked for some	
     clarification. 
	
     	"It's easy!" said a group of coaches to one player.  "Being
     flexible means being able to do more things so not only must you
     play football, you must also play	baseball," and they gave him a bat
     and told him to go	for it in a big way.

     	"It's easy!" said a group of coaches to another player.	"Being
     flexible means being able to think of new angles so not only must
     you play football, you must also play billiards," and they gave
     him a cue and told him to go for it in a bigger way.

     	"It's easy!" said a group of coachs to another player.	"Being
     flexible means the ability to react quickly, so not only must
     you play football, you must also do fencing," and they gave him
     an epee and told him to go	for it in the biggest way possible.

     	And so the groups of coaches all gave their own excellent	
     advice on flexibility to the players.

     	Back on the pitch the game was in some confusion.  Players were
     jabbing, punching, poking, whacking, kicking each other all in the
     name of flexibility.  Adding to the confusion were recent measures
     that had reduced the size of the playing area to the dimensions of a
     ping-pong table.

     	The coaches got back and started yelling at each other, it would
     have got really bad if there hadn't been another inspiration. "Get
     close to the customer!"  What relief.  Time for a bit more
     celebration.

     	"Get close to the customer! Get close to the customer!"	chanted the
     serried rows of coaches.  The puzzled players closed in on the few
     remaining fans in a jabbing, poking,kicking phalanx.  The fans turned
     and fled.
	  
     	The coaches sat and watched in disbelief. What a lousy	bunch of
     players they said to each other.  It was very easy to speak to each
     other now since latest measures had reduced the size of the playing
     area to the dimensions of a chessboard to make sure there was enough
     room for seats for all of the coaches.

     	"The solution is obvious!"  They all agreed.  "Get rid of the	
     players and all are troubles are over!"  And they rushed off to
     have lots more meetings to find out how to do it.

     	Meanwhile, alone in the empty stadium the players looked at each
     other.  And in the silence reason started to dawn.
	
     	Wordlessly each of them dropped their bat, their cue, their sword,
     boxing gloves, all the useless weapons they'd been exhorted to use to
     beat each other.

     	Common sense prevailed and all by themselves they went back to the
     simple job of playing and winning as a team.

     	Little by little the seats started to fill up again with	
     happy fans.
    
	Outside the coaches were still debating, debating, debating...



    

a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving
down a mountain when the brakes gave out.  they screamed down the
mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt,
more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot
drop to jagged rocks.  they all got out of the car.
 
the computer engineer said, "i think i can fix it."
 
the systems analyst said, "no, i think we should take it into
     town and have a specialist look at it."
 
the programmer said, "ok, but first i think we should get back 
     in and see if it does it again."

    
    Great Cartoon in Worc. T&G last week..  
    
    Shows two official-types standing in front of the proposed Medium
    Security Prison in New Braintree..  They're discussing the possibility
    of using the site for a new stadium for the Patriots..  
    
    The 1st guy says:  "Sure it'll still be an institution for petty
    offenders"  
    
    The 2nd guy says:  "Yeah, but we won't have to worry about an increase 
    in traffic"
    
    /Jeff

    
    From the April '91 CABLE GUIDE, copied without anybody's frikken
    permission:
    
    COMICS ON BASEBALL
    
    I went to a baseball game last year where the attendance was so small
    there was no anthem.  everyone just stood up and told a little about
    themselves.
                  -Elayne Boosler
    
    ****
    
    Without baseball, think of all the kids who would nver know what a
    millionaire looks like.
                           -Phyllis Diller
    
    ***
    
    A guy in a bar tells another patron that he has a talking dog.  The
    other guy tells him to prove it.  The owner looks at his pet and asks,
    "What's on top of a house?"  The dog answers "Ruff!"  The patron
    demands more proof, so the owner asks "How does sandpaper feel?"  The
    dog speaks "Ruff!"  The patron is still in disbelief, so the owner
    looks at his prize pet and once again asks, "Who is your favorite
    baseball player?"  And the dog replies, "Joe Dimaggio."
      
                             - Steven Banks
    
    ***
    
    When your home team is the Atlanta Braves, you don't have to write
    material.  The [stuff] just happens.
                                           -Pam Stone
    
    ***
    
    I know nothing about baseball.  I thought hitting the cutoff man meant
    punching the rabbi.
                         -Joan Rivers
    
    ***
    
    Unfortunately, my trick knees kept me out of the "bigs," and I was
    forced to play in the Jewish Center League.  The scoreboard didn't show
    the innings; it listed the number of members in the Jewish community
    who had undergone triple bypass surgery during the season to date.
    
                        -Richard Lewis
    
    ***
    
    My husband's from another country, so when he watches sports on
    television i can tell him anything I want.  He asked my why the umpires
    wear jackets and no one else does;  I told him it's because they just
    came from dinner.
                        -Rita Rudner
    
    ***
    
    The funniest thing about baseball is when they have bat day at Yankee
    Stadium.  You take 50,000 New Yorkers, pump 'em full of beer, and hand
    'em murder weapons.  The closest event I can think of is butcher-knife
    day at San Quentin.
                            -Richard jeni
    
    ***
    
    Donald Trump said to me, "Judy, I'm sensitive.  I just want to sit
    around with a bunch of men and cry."  I said "So go to a Yankees game."
    
                              -Judy Tenuta
    
    ***
    
    In Atlanta they have a bumper sticker that says GO BRAVES, AND TAKE THE
    FALCONS WITH YOU.
                           -George Wallace
    
    ***
    
    I feel sorry for baseball players with famous nicknames.  It's gotta be
    hell trying to get a job outside of sports with some of those names.  i
    mean, would *you* go to a proctologist named Goose Gossage?
    
                            -Ross Shafer
    
    ***
    
    When I was a kid, they called me Mr. Baseball.  Not because I was a
    great player, but because of the stitches in my head.
    
                                         -Emo Phillips
    
    ***
    
    "Field of Dreams" is one of my favorite movies.  After seeing it, I
    realized that kevin Costner and I have two things in common:  the love
    of baseball, and hallucinations.
                                       -Carol Leifer
    
    ***
    
    George Brett won the batting title in three different decades.  Minnie
    Minoso was hit by the most pitches in three different decades.  their
    reflections on the sport have got to be a little different.  Brett: 
    "In the 70's I went 4 for 4 on the last day of the season, and in the
    80's I hit a home run in my last at-bat."  Minoso:  "A curveball
    shattered the orbit of my left eye in the 60's.  In the 70's I got hit
    by three pitches in my last game.  The last one, a high fast ball, gave
    me a splinter fracture to the back of my skull..."
    
                           -Dom Irrera
    
    ***
    
    I love baseball.  I've always loved and played baseball as a boy.  It's
    definitely America's game.  Although I would like to see one change
    made.  I think that if a game goes into extra innings, they should go
    with a ball the size of a BB.  That way, it would be more of a
    pitcher's game and would heighten a tie situation even more.
    
                                          -Steven Wright
    
    ***
    
    As a Yankee fan, I'm looking forward to a new season, because last year
    their magic number was 911.
                                    -Paul Provenza
    
    ***
    
    In little league one year, I remember missing three games with a pulled
    groin.  Unfortunately, it was self-inflicted.
    
                                              -Dennis Wolfberg
    
    

Emo! Emo! Emo!

Emo rules!


	You know it's going to be a tough day when you have to
	murder a family member because they're possessed by
	the devil.....
				Emo


hahahahaha

    Caught a bit of Emo on 'Arsenio' last night as I was flicking from the
    Oscars, to Carson, to Arsenio.  He had a few good ones:
    
    	I cut myself shaving so I put this little piece of toilet
    	paper on my cut to make it stop bleeding.  And this guy
    	says to me, "That'll work, but most people use a clean
    	piece of toilet paper."
    
    	I had an asthma attack on the way here.  These three asthmatics
    	jumped me in the ally.
    

    
    Emo, in his sloooooooooow, lilting voice:
    
    Sooooooooo....I was sitting at this bar....and I heard this noise.....
    and when I turned around.....I noticed that these two fellahs were
    throwing darts into the back of my head.....
    
    So I said to them.... "Now you two guys cut that out.......
    
               ...... as soon as this game is over."
    
    

Where's Emo Shaughnessy these days?  Haven't heard a peep since the 
Hoosiers lost.

    Is that Emo as in EMo Phillips (the comic) ?
    
    How apropos ....

    >A guy in a bar tells another patron that he has a talking dog.  The
    >other guy tells him to prove it.  The owner looks at his pet and asks,
    >"What's on top of a house?"  The dog answers "Ruff!"  The patron
    >demands more proof, so the owner asks "How does sandpaper feel?"  The
    >dog speaks "Ruff!"  The patron is still in disbelief, so the owner
    >looks at his prize pet and once again asks, "Who is your favorite
    >baseball player?"  And the dog replies, "Joe Dimaggio."
    
    The comic blew this joke it should go:
    
    Guy asks,"What's on top of a house?"  Dog says "Roof!"
    Guy asks,"What's sandpaper feel like?"  Dog says "Ruff!"
    Guy asks,"Who's the best baseball player ever?"  Dog says "Ruth!"
    
    At this point the bartender throws the guy and his dog out of the bar
    into the alley.  The guy brushes the dirt off his jacket, and puts his
    hat back on and the dog turns to him and says, "Do you suppose I
    should've said Mickey Mantle?"
    
    HAHAHAHAHAHA
    
    Dan

        THE HYMN OF THE BATTERED REPUBLIC
                (from MAD magazine)
 
Our eyes have seen the sorrow of a nation gone to pot,
Where the loonies carry handguns and the passersby get shot,
Where the farms are going under and the cities burn and rot-
        The Glory Days are gone!
 
        Lordy, Lordy, how'd we do.. it?
        Now.. we have to suffer through.. it!
        Had.. our chance but really blew.. it!
                The Glory Days are gone!
 
We've a budget we can't balance, though we once were in the chips;
We've been overspending billions for outmoded planes and ships;
If you haven't figured out who'll foot the bill, just read our lips-
        The debt keeps piling on!
 
        Kindly, gently, how they stroke.. us
        With.. their fiscal hocus-pocus!
        All.. the time they're out to soak.. us!
                The debt keeps piling on!
 
We have seen the big polluters fill out waterways with swill;
We have smelled the fishes dying from the latest tanker spill;
If the oil doesn't kill them, then the garbage surely will-
        The crud keeps flowing on!
 
        Pity, pity out poor na-tion!
        Who.. can stop the devasta-tion?
        May-be Bo knows conserva-tion!
                The crud keeps flowing on!
 
We get smacked by soaring prices when we gas up at the pumps;
We have seen the reckless loggers turn our forests into stumps;
Now we're bailing out the S&Ls who've played us all for chumps-
        The greed goes marching on!
 
        Surely, surely, trouble's brew-ing
        From.. the damage that they're do-ing!
        We're.. the ones who get the screw-ing!
                The greed goes marching on!
 
We have heard those scuzzy rappers spouting sleaze for easy cash;
We're turned off by TV sitcoms spewing out their mindless trash;
All which makes us very thankful for old episodes of "M*A*S*H"-
        The drek keeps coming on!
 
        Cowabunga! how we're hat-ing
        What.. they'll do to get a rat-ing!
        Like.. a whale regurgitat-ing!
                The drek keeps coming on!
 
In the alleys of our cities where the poor and homeless dwell,
You can see the victims dying from the crack that pushers sell,
While the bankers launder money for the Medellin cartel-
        The crime keeps marching on!
 
        Spurting, gushing, blood is flow-ing,
        While.. the murder rate is grow-ing!
        Down.. the tubes we're surely go-ing!
                The Glory Days are gone!
 

So this guy is driving down the street in LA at about 2:30 in the
morning.

He comes up to a stop sign, and because there's not another soul
around that he can see, he decides to roll through, instead of
completely stopping.

Sure enough, as soon as he crosses the intersection, he hear the
siren, and sees the flashing blue lights behind him.

"Damn," he thinks to himself, "just my luck."

The Officer comes up to the car and the driver says "What are you
stopping me for officer?"

The Officer replies, "You failed to stop back there at the stop
sign, sir."

The driver answered, "Yes, but Officer, I looked around, didn't see
anyone and figured I could just slow down and roll through.  I mean,
at this hour, what's the difference?"


With that, the officer yells "Outta the car" and reaches in and pulls
the driver out of the car.  He then proceeds to pull out his billy
club and beat the crap out of the driver around his head an shoulders.

While he continues to beat the driver, he says "So, you wanna know what
the difference is?  Do you?  Here's the difference!"

"Do you want me to slow down or stop!?"

    
    Which reminds me, dontcha just wish somebody had a video tape of a
    dozen LA cops hammering the hell out of Zsa Zsa Gabor?
    
    Dickstah
    

Which reminds me of a line that Dennis Miller used a while back:

"Zsa translated in English is Sirhan...."

daryll

    What's the difference between an In-Law and an outlaw?????
    
    
    An outlaw is WANTED!!!!!
    
    
    JaKe
    

One kind of passe:

	Did you hear the Celtic drafted Saddam Hussein?

	Yeah, they wanted someone who could shoot over Jordan....


A couple of new ones:


	SIGN AT THE KENNEDY COMPOUND IN PALM BEACH:

		WARNING - Trespassers will be violated!


And

	What did William Smith say to his victim?


	Shut up, or I'll have my uncle drive you home!

   Here's an old one Dave Barry wrote just before the 1988 Orange Bowl.

		    A topical storm at Orange Bowl

					by Dave Barry

       Once again, the University of Miami Fighting Storm Systems are
    poised to win the mythical national championship.  Once again, the eyes
    of a national TV audience will be trained upon the men in orange and
    green.  And once again, the question on the mind of virtually every
    viewer will be: "Orange and GREEN?  Who picked THOSE out?"
       There will also probably be some interest in the outcome of the game.
    The Storm Systems are determined to make up for last season, when,
    despite the fact that they wore soldier outfits and boldly walked out
    on a ceremonial steak fry, they were defeated in the Fiesta Bowl by the
    Penn State Certified Public Accountants.  But the Systems face stiff
    opposition this season from another "hungry" team, the University of
    Oklahoma, whose players have an equally burning desire to win the
    mythical national championship, because it would mean that they would
    get invited to the White House, which would be yet another opportunity
    to get out of Oklahoma.
       No, all kidding aside, I am sure that Oklahoma is a very fine state,
    well deserving of its nickname, "The Dirt State."
       Ha ha!  Still just kidding.  The actual nickname of Oklahoma is, of
    course, "The Sooner State," and there is a fascinating story behind
    this nickname.  It seems that many years ago, some Oklahomans were
    sitting around and trying to come up with a nickname, but nobody could
    think of a good one, so they decided to use "The Sooner State."  This
    is only one of a number (six) of fascinating Oklahoma facts, which
    unfortunately we cannot delve into here because we want to present the
    following highly technical and carefully researched discussion of how
    the two Orange Bowl teams will match up, position by position:

           (NOTE TO SPORTS DEPARTMENT: Put in some stuff here about
    "tailbackers," OK?  Thanks.)

       But as revealing as this kind of "nuts and bolts" discussion is, we
    also have to consider the "intangibles."  The main intangible this
    season is that both teams have a certain elusive quality that, for want
    of a better term, I will define as: "Everybody hates them."  Usually,
    when two teams clash in a big game, at least one of them is cast in the
    role of the good guy.  Notre Dame is an excellent example of this.
    Whenever Notre Dame plays, you'll notice that even the professional
    sportscasters display subtle signs of favoritism:

       Brent Mushburger:  "Tim Brown has the ball for the Fighting Irish!
    He's at the 10!  The 20!  The 30!  The...Hey!  Some scuzzbag TACKLED
    Tim Brown!"
       Ara Parseghian:  "I'll kill the S.O.B.!"

       But neither the Sooners nor the Storm Systems inspire this kind of
    loyalty.  You get the feeling that the rest of the nation would just as
    soon see the Orange Bowl called off because of a late-season tidal
    wave.  Oklahoma is unpopular because it spends most of the season
    defeating schools with names like Southwest Northcentral Mideastern
    Arkansas College of Vegetable Husbandry by scores of 547-0.  Miami is
    unpopular because, well, because it's Miami, and it has been involved
    in a series of unfortunate incidents involving alleged unsportsmanlike
    conduct, most recently in the South Carolina game, where the video-
    tapes seem to indicate that a Miami player shot the Gamecocks' quarter-
    back in the leg after the whistle had blown.
       The result of these indcidents is that various schools have
    announced (after losing to Miami) that they are not going to play Miami
    anymore.  They are going to form their own little conference, called
    the Schools That Won't Play Against Miami, and at the end of the season
    they will play a Weenie Bowl, and the winners will receive a
    congratulatory phone call from Vice President George Bush.
       But the heck with them, anyway.  We don't need them.  Because OUR
    boys are playing for the mythical national championship, and when the
    dust has settled Friday night, only one team will be triumphant.  And
    when, the next day, the AP and UPI poll voters sit down to mark their
    ballots, whatever their personal feelings may be, they will have little
    choice as to whom they name the nation's No. 1 team.  My guess is
    they'll go with Notre Dame.

Here's another, from clear back in 86!

   DR J for President!
					by Dave Barry

      Here it is, 1986 already, time to get serious about the 1988
    presidential election.  I'm afraid I have some bad news: According to
    the Rules Committee, we're not allowed to elect Ronald Reagan anymore.
    Nancy is apparently also out.  So we have to come up with somebody
    entirely new, and we have only two years to do it in. 
      I happen to have the perfect solution, which of course nobody will take
    seriously even though I really mean it, namely that we should elect
    Julius Erving, sometimes called "Doctor J," who is currently captain of
    the National Basketball Association's Philadelphia 76ers.  He is a
    smart, decent, and articulate person and a very sharp dresser.  He'll
    probably retire from basketball soon, so he'll have plenty of spare
    time on his hands.  He has the biggest hands you have ever seen.  I
    mean this.  He has hands that, if they were populated, would be
    represented by at least three congressmen. 
      I'm not saying we should choose a president solely on the basis of hand
    size, but it should definitely be a factor.  Let's say that you're
    Russian Premier Mikhail Gorbachev, and you're at the summit talk, and
    when you shake hands with the U.S. president, your hand disappears
    completely.  It looks like a Hostess Twinkie being eaten by a giant
    squid.  You have to be a little intimidated.  And on top of this, let's
    say the U.S. president is 6 feet, 6 inches tall, so he's looking right
    smack down on your unfortunate strawberry birthmark on your glistening
    Communist forehead. 
      And let's further say that, back in the Kremlin, you saw some briefing
    films of the U.S. president, during his prime playing days when he was
    the scariest basketball power on Earth.  You watched him make his
    famous "tomahawk" dunk shot, where he soars over the entire team
    (ideally, this would be the Boston Celtics), whose members leap up in a
    futile manner, swatting at his ankles, until finally the president
    reaches the basket and hurls the ball down one-handed with such force
    that it glows during atmospheric re-entry.  You are going to be one
    nervous Red Leader, Mr. Gorbachev.  You are going to have trouble
    swallowing your official state dinner.  You are going to need the
    Heimlich Maneuver several times before you even get to the entree. 
      IMPORTANT RELATED MEDICAL CONCERN:  The other day at the Burger King my
    wife and I were explaining the Heimlich Maneuver to our 5-year-old son,
    Robert, and he pointed out that if you dislodged the stuck piece of
    food from the victim's windpipe with sufficient force, it might come
    shooting out of the victim's mouth, fly across the room, and become
    lodged in the throat of a *second* victim who happened to be watching
    with his mouth open.  I feel this is a very valid concern, and not just
    because my son thought of it, although if anybody wants to give him a
    Nobel Prize or anything I wouldn't stand in the way. 
      Of course you aren't taking me seriously about electing Julius Erving
    president. You're laughing at the very idea.  Yet when an established
    political pundit like David Broder writes a lengthy column telling you
    that one serious 1988 contender is somebody named "U.S. Rep. Richard
    Gephardt, D-Mo.," you swallow it whole.  At cocktail parties you say
    things like, "Well, this Gephardt of Missouri, I think he has a shot, I
    really do."  When in fact you know nothing about him whatsoever.  For
    all you know, Rep. Gephardt relaxes by having his chauffeur drive his
    limousine back and forth over preschool children. 
      (Just by way of avoiding a major libel suit, let me stress here that
    this is not how Rep. Gephardt relaxes.  In fact, there is no "Rep.
    Gephardt."  He was invented during a drunken gathering of the
    Established Political Pundits Association as part of an elaborate prank
    to see if they can cause a totally fictitious character to win the Iowa
    caucuses.  Lately they have also been prominently mentioning -- read
    their columns if you don't believe me -- a Gov. "Bruce Babbitt" of
    Arizona.  I mean, how stupid do they think we are?) 
      OK, if you don't want to take my candidate seriously, let me tell you
    who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side, you have George Bush,
    who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he
    has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of
    the Republican Right.  For example, they had him make a speech oozing
    praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester
    (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.  Loeb had dumped viciously
    all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire primary.  But when the Right
    held a big tribute for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man
    with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck.  Nobody knows what kind of
    wacky stunt they'll dream up for George next. Maybe they'll have him
    shoot a live welfare mother.  He wants the nomination bad. 
      So does the Democratic front-runner, Gary Hart.  Gary, as you recall,
    was a serious challenger for the 1984 nomination, using as his campaign
    theme: "Gary Hart -- He's not Walter Mondale."  He didn't make it,
    partly because the Democrats prefer to go with a sure loser (this is
    why they were so sad when Ted Kennedy dropped out of the '88 race,
    crushing several aides), and partly because nobody knew for sure
    exactly where Gary stood on the issues, or exactly how old he was, or
    what his real name was, etc.  There were some reports that he was in
    fact an elderly Norwegian woman. 
      So those are your front-runners, Mr. and Mrs. American voter.  You can
    go with them, or you can wait for the surge for "Rep. Gephardt."  Or
    you can join me in supporting Doctor J, a man of genuine dignity, a man
    who has never once kissed a baby that did not belong to himself or a
    close personal friend. I am deeply committed to this campaign, to the
    point where I am thinking of having bumber stickers printed, if
    somebody sends me some money. 

    Stosh Wilsinski made the ballclub.  He had a good spring and made the
    Indians. 
    
    In his first regular season game, he came up to bat, his first major
    league official at-bat.  The catcher for the oppowing team knew this
    and figured he'd have a little fun and try to distract Stosh.
    
    Catcher:  Hey stosh, what is ugly, stupid and has four legs???
    
    Stosh:  Don't know.
    
    Catcher:  You and your girlfriend...HAHAHAHAHAHA
    
    Well it turns out Stosh got a good laugh out of the comment and then
    singled to right on the first pitch.
    
    Now down at first, with the first baseman in position to hold the
    runner, Stosh speaks to the first baseman.
    
    Stosh:  Hey, whats ugly, stupid and has four legs???
    
    1st baseman:  Don't know.
    
    
    Stosh:  Me and my girlfriend!!!
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

What's the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi Army?


Ted Kennedy actually killed someone.....





Sorry, heard it on the radio on the way in this morning

                  YOU KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD OLE BOY IF:

 1) Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
    wheels off.

 2) You've ever used lard in bed.

 3) You think potted meat on a Saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.

 4) You think a six pack of beer and a bug zapper are quality
    entertainment.

 5) Less than half the vehicles you own run.

 6) Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling
    the State Policeman to kiss her ass.

 7) The primary color of your vehicle is bond-o.

 8) Directions to your house include: ` Turn off the paved road '.

 9) You honest-to-God believe that women are turned on by animal noises
    and seductive tongue gestures.

10) Your Family Tree doesn't fork.

11) Your wife's hair-do has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

12) You've ever hollered "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano
    recital.

13) You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

14) The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

15) Your Brother-in-Law is also your Uncle.

16) You prominently display a souvenir you purchased at Graceland.

17) The diplomas hanging in your den include `The Trucking Institute'.

18) Your Mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

19) You think Beef Jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major Food Groups.

20) You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

21) You have more than two brothers named Bubba, Junior, or (?)-Bob.

22) Your Father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an
    opening on the Lube Rack.

23) You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

24) You've ever been too drunk to fish.

25) You think Styrofoam Coolers are the greatest invention of all time.

26) There's a toothpick in your mouth on your wedding pictures.

27) You have a rag for a gas cap.

28) Your lifetime goal is to own a Fireworks Stand.

 And here's some more ...
 
 29) The happiest day of your life was when Clemson got off probation.
 
 30) You can tell all the different Bodines, Yarboroughs, Pettys, and
     Allisons apart from each other.
 
 31) Your idea of a visit to the aquarium is the crawfish tank at the Winn
     Dixie.
 
 32) You think "Smokey And The Bandit Part III" was the best "Smokey" movie
     since "Smokey And The Bandit Part I".
 
 Bob Hunt

			NINTENDO NUMBNESS

	by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist

	Copied without permission from The Boston Sunday Globe


OK, I bought my child a Nintendo video-game system.  I realize I should not
admit this.  I realize the Child Psychology Police may arrest me for getting my
child a mindless addictive antisocial electronic device instead of a
constructive old-fashioned educational toy such as an Erector Set.  Well, let me
tell you something:  All my childhood friends had Erector Sets, and although I
am not proud of this, I happen to know for a fact that, in addition to the
recommended educational projects such as the Truck, the Crane and the
Carrousel, it was possible to build the Bug Pulper, the Worm Extender and the
Gears of Pain.

And speaking of pain, you have no idea how hard my son made my life before I
caved in and bought Nintendo.   The technique he used was Power Wistfulness. 
Remember the old comic strip Dondi, starring the little syndicated orphan boy
who always looked heartbreakingly sad and orphanous and never got adopted,
possibly because he had eye sockets the size of manhole covers?  Well, my son
looked like that.  He'd start first thing in the morning, standing around with
Dondi-like eyes, emitting armor-piercing wistfulness rays and sighing over the
fact that he was the only child outside of the Third World who didn't have
Nintendo.  Pretty soon I'd be weeping all over my toast, thinking how tragic it
was - my own son, an orphan - until finally I just had to go to the Toys "R"
Approximately a Third of the Gross National Product store, because, after all,
we're talking about a child's happiness here, and you can't put a price tag
on...What?  It costs how much?  What does it do for that kind of money? 
Penetrate Soviet airspace?

No, really, it's worth every penny.  I know you've probably read a lot of
articles by leading Child Psychologists (defined as "people whose children
probably wet the bed through graduate school") telling you why Nintendo is a
bad thing, so let me discuss some of the benefits:

BENEFIT NO. 1 - Nintendo enables the child to develop a sense of self-worth by
mastering a complex, demanding task that makes his father look like a total
goober.

The typical Nintendo game involves controlling a little man who runs around the
screen trying to stay alive while numerous powerful and inexplicably hostile
forces try to kill him; in other words, its exactly like real life.  When I
play, the little man becomes highly suicidal.  If he can't locate a hostile
force to get killed by, he will deliberately swallow the contents of a little
electronic Valium bottle.  So all my games end instantly, whereas my son can
keep the little man alive  through several presidential administrations.  He is
always trying to cheer me up by saying "good try, Dad!" in the same sincerely
patronizing voice that I once used to praise him for not getting peas in his
hair.  What is worse, he gives me Helpful Nintendo Hints that are far too
complex for the adult mind to comprehend.  Here's a verbatim example: "OK,
there's Ganon and miniature Ganon and there's these things like jelly beans and
the miniature Ganon is more powerfuller, because when you touch him the flying
eagles come down and the octopus shoots red rocks and the swamp takes longer."

And the hell of it is, I know he's right.

BENEFIT NO. 2 - Nintendo strengthens the community.  

One evening, I got an emergency telephone call from our next-door neighbor,
Linda, who said, her voice breathless with urgency: "Is Robby there?  Because
we just got Gunsmoke [a Nintendo game], and we can't get past the horse."  Of
course I notified Robby immediately.  "It's the Liebmans," I said.  "They just
got Gunsmoke, and they can't get past the horse."  He was out the door in
seconds, striding across the yard, a Man on a Mission.  Of course he got them
past the horse.  He can get his man all the way to the bazooka.  My man dies
during the opening credits.

BENEFIT NO. 3 - When a child is playing Nintendo, the child can't watch regular
television.

Recently on the local news, one relentlessly personable anchorwoman was telling
us about a murder at a Pizza Hut, and when she was done, a relentlessly
personable anchorman got a frowny look on his face, shook his head sadly, and
said - I am not making this quotation up - "A senseless tragedy, and one that I
am sure  was unforeseen by the victims involved."

I don't want my child exposed to this.

BENEFIT NO. 4 - A child who is playing Nintendo is a child who is probably not
burping as loud as he can.  

I mention this only so I can relate the following true exchange I witnessed
recently between a mother and her 8-year-old son:

	SON:  Burp. Burp.  Burp.  Burp. Burp.  Burp.  Bu...
	MOTHER:  Stop burping!
	SON:  But Mom, it's my hobby.

So, Mr. and Ms. Child Psychologist, don't try to tell me that Nintendo is so
terrible, OK?  Don't tell me it makes children detached and aggressive and
antisocial.  In fact, don't tell me anything.  Not while the octopus is
shooting these rocks.


    
    

From Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Glenn Sheeley:

Top ten reasons why the Atlanta Falcons drafted convicted drug trafficking
conspirator Walter Sutton in the 10th round:


10. Got tip that L.A.Raiders were taking him in the 11th.

 9. Scouting reports said he had "nose for the ball."

 8. Knows Judge Wapner personally.

 7. Need roommate who can keep Aundray Bruce in line.

 6. Want to be ahead of the rest of the NFL when "crackback" block is made 
    legal.

 5. Jerry Glanville liked his rendition of "Jailhouse Rock."

 4. Some fans already know him from post office photo.

 3. Coaches feel he's perfect for run-and-shoot.

 2. Thought marketing matchup of "Prime Time" and "Crime Time" too good to pass 
    up.

 1. No Falcon currently using "8766442" jersey number.

Excerpted from:
                             1985 YEAR IN REVIEW
                                by Dave Barry

    It wasn't just a bad year, it was ... a) an odd year, b) an important
    media event, c) better than sex.

    JANUARY

    1 - In bowl game action:  'Hogs beat 'Canes; 'Goobers trounce 'Stoats;
    'Skeeters whomp 'Weenies; six dead.  

    14 - "Super Bowl Fever" grips South Florida and everybody buys stupid
    hats.  The Dolphins arrive in San Francisco, and Coach Don Shula
    confidently predicts that his team will lose 38-16.  "I don't know why
    we're even bothering to show up," he laughs.

    20 - The Dolphins, guided by the wily Shula, lose 38-16, and all over
    South Florida there is a widespread spontaneous outpouring of hat removal.

    FEBRUARY

    16 - The Miami Grand Prix is run on a new course in which two dozen
    world-class drivers must attempt to get from the Palmetto Expressway to
    I-95 southbound via the Golden Glades Interchange.  After an extensive
    helicopter search, the missing racers are located in Tampa.

    MARCH

    9 - The public is shocked by published reports that only six college-
    football players received degrees in 1984, and one of them was Duane
    Festerson, a 285-pound defensive tackle who obtained his by force from an
    engineering major.  The National Collegiate Association of A-Words (NCAA)
    vows to come in off the golf course and issue a firm press release.

    APRIL

    5 - University of Miami star quarterback Bernie Kosar announces that he
    really truly wants to play for the Cleveland Browns, and is given a
    "Jarvik-7" artificial brain.  Jeane Kirkpatrick asks for his old job.

    MAY

    9 - Questions arise concerning drug use in professional baseball after
    members of the Pittsburgh Pirates complain that "a huge musical worm"
    caused them to lose 49-0 to the St. Louis Cardinals.

    JUNE

    23 - In Wimbledon tennis action, John McEnroe, upset over a ruling on a key
    serve, fires 400 rounds from a .50-caliber machine gun into a 67-year-old
    linesman.  Play is suspended for 15 minutes while medics give the linesman
    a "Jarvik-7" artificial heart so he can apologize.

    27 - In Wimbledon tennis action, John McEnroe kills a nun.

    JULY

    21 - North Miami homeowners protest Dolphin owner Joe Robbie's proposed
    new football stadium on the grounds that their homes will be located in
    the east end zone.  Planning officials approve the stadium on the condition
    that players will not "spike" the ball into the shrubbery.

    22 - Residents of North Dade propose to build a large stadium and shopping
    center complex right smack dab next to Joe Robbie's home in plush Miami
    Shores.

    23 - Planning officials reject the proposal to build a stadium/shopping
    complex next to Joe Robbie's home on the grounds that it might scare the
    servants.

    AUGUST

    10 - Quarterback Dan Marino returns to the Dolphins after reaching
    agreement on a new contract under which sportswriters will be required to
    attribute articulate quotations to him, including large words such as
    "vindication."  The Dolphins cut Jeane Kirkpatrick.

    25 - Pete Rose makes baseball history by getting a base hit while using
    a "Jarvik-7" artificial heart.

    OCTOBER

    4 - Major-League baseball is scandalized by a trial in which some of the
    sport's top stars testify that it is a common practice for players to put
    tobacco directly into their mouths and chew it until it looks like worm
    insides and spit it all over the place. 

    18 - In sports, the World Series is won by a team that six out of seven
    Americans have already forgotten the name of.  

    DECEMBER

    18 - The NCAA decides that the University of Florida football team, which
    has been placed on probation for permitting drunken alumni to shoot at
    opposing quarterbacks from the stands, will be allowed to compete in bowl
    games, but must use the nickname, "The Fighting Dolts."  The coach attempts
    to write a letter of protest, but cannot spell "NCAA."

    31 - In sports, college-bowl fever grips the nation.
    

Read this in USA Today yesterday.  It's true, not a joke, but it strikes
me as hilariously funny.


In (get this) Batesville, Arkansas, a 29 year old guy was arrested by the
police for disturbing a corpse.

With the permission of the funeral home, he checked out his mother's corpse
(she had died recently) and he took her to a party that she had requested
(but never got) before she died.

Police found her at the party, with a can of beer in one hand, and an
unlit cigarette in another....


Too much!

'Saw

Q: Did you hear about the new sign at the Kennedy Compound?

A: It says "Trespassers will be violated"


Q: How does William Kennedy Smith get girls up to his room?


A: He says "Well if you think it's too late, I can get my Uncle Ted to give
you a ride home...."


    
    

    I saw a good comedian on HBO Saturday night.  (So good I can't remember
    his name.)  He had this one:
    
    There are two categories of cliff divers...world's greatest...and...
    
    
    
    ...stuff on a rock.
    
    
    
    
    
    	--dan'l

    This past weekends developments with George Bush only served to prove
    one thing, 
    
    That is that the prospect of having Dan Quayle as President is powerful
    enough to clear up any heart ailment known to man.  Had Quayle become
    president, that would have been powerful enough to invoke heart
    problems into many Americans.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    
    Heard this one today:
    
    "As a part of the Company's new cost cutting measures, the Light at the
    End of the Tunnel will be turned off until further notice."
    
    
    JaKe
    
    
    

    This one is for Dan S................. 

    Chief of Staff's License Plate

    +-------------------------+
    |    FLY  FREE  OR  DIE   |
    |                         |
    |     S  U  N  U  N  U    |
    |                         |
    |     NEW    HAMPSHIRE    |
    +-------------------------+

    
    
            YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NATIVE OF WEST VIRGINIA WHEN....

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You think potted meat on a saltine is an Hors D'Oeuvre.

There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your home.

You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper "quality entertainment".

Less than half of the cars you own, run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State
   Patrolman to "kiss her ass".

The primary color of your car is Bond-O.

Directions to your house include "Turn off of the paved road".

You honest to God think women are turned oon by animal noises and seductive
   tongue gestures.

Your family tree does not fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've ever barbequed "Spam" on the grill.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

You regularly answer the question "What have you been doing lately?" with 
   "partying".

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You have refused to watch the "Academy Awards" since "Sokey and the Bandit"
   was snubbed for best picture.

The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front tires.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute".

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most common phrase heard at your family re-union is, "What are you looking
   at $hithead?".

You think beef jerky and moon pies are major food groups.

You think Campho Phenique is a miracle drug.

You have more than two brothers named "Bubba" or "Junior".

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the
   lube rack.

You think "Volvo" is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've ever been to drunk to fish.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Jake --

Re the title of you last reply, I originally heard it as:

	Arkansas, the only state where your father is your uncle too 8^)

[No offense to Claywad and other folks from Arkansas]

'Saw

    
    	I only lived there for the first 6 months of my life so
    	go ahead!  And besides, my Mama is from Texas and my
    	Pa is from Mississippi.  Maybe I shouldn't have let
    	anybody know that ;^)
    
    	Claybone

    'Saw
    
    There is a DJ here in Pittsburgh who is originally from W. Va.(poor
    guy) and plays a song that is called "I'm My Own Grampaw".  The thing
    is hilarious, but I cna't find it anywhere.
    
    
    JaKe
    

Jake --

Call the station.  A lot of times they can tell you where they got it.
If it's an in-house production, a lot of times they'll agree to play
it at a certain time so you can tape it.....

'Saw

    David Letterman's top 10 ways President Bush could blow it in '92:
    
    10. Unloads Barbara for 19-year-old male prostitute.
    
    9. Gets sick during White House ceremony, throws up on Super Bowl
    winners.
    
    8. Lets Saddam Hussein stay in Lincoln Bedroom for six months whle he
    "gets his head together."
    
    7. Guest stars on "Matlock"; shoots Andy Griffith in face.
    
    6. It is revealed he bet against the US in the gulf war.
    
    5. Decides to grow stylish Hitler mustache.
    
    4. Has Marlin Fitzwater hold press conference shirtless.
    
    3. Chooses Quayle as his running mate.
    
    2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia.
    
    And the number 1 way Bush could blow it in '92...
    
    1. Appears on Donahue as "Debi Bush."

    This couple, in their 70's, go to a new doctor for a check-up.
    
    The Doc checks out the husband first, and asks a lot of questions. 
    Then, he says, "How is your sex life?"  The guy says, "Well, the first
    time it's okay, but the second time I get very sweaty."  The Doc
    thinks, "Hmmm, quite a guy for his age."
    
    Then, he interviews the wife.  Same type of questions, then the same
    one about sex.  She says, "Well, it isn't very good, but we still have
    some."
    
    The Doc says, "Gee, your husband said the first time it's okay, but the
    second time he gets all sweaty.  Do you know why he said that?"
    
    The wife replies,
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    "Sure.  The first time is January, and the second time is in August."
    
    :*)
    
    lEe

So Lee, when does your subscription run out?

(Read the article on the rescue of the downed aviator -- great story!)

8^)

re. 137  I'm my own grandpa.

I don't know if it's the same version, but, The fools have been doing this song 
for a couple of years now.  I recently saw them in a club down the cape.  They 
all came out in blue jeans and plaid shirts, you know, dressed like your basic
redneck.  They also did another song along those lines called,

 "She's my Grandma, She's my mother, She's my wife".

It also was too funny!

Mike

>all came out in blue jeans and plaid shirts, you know, dressed like your basic
>redneck.  

Hey, I resemble that remark....especially wif ma new haircut (buzz buzz)... 8^)
Although I'm not wearing flannel today -- too hot.


Anyway, if anyone can get the WORDS to those songs, I'd love to hear 'em....

'Saw

    Three residents of Alaska are arguing over whose igloo is the coldest.
    
    The make a wager and then set off to each respective igloo to see which
    one is coldest.
    
    At the first one, the guy turns on the faucet in the sink and as soon
    as the water hits the sink, it freezes.  The second man replies that he
    has that beat so they go to his igloo where he turns on the faucet, and
    the water turns to ice and THEN hits the sink.
    
    The third guy says that he's got them both beat and they go to his
    igloo where, he takes them to the bed and pulls back the covers,
    revealing a bunch of semi-transparent brown balls.  He picks on up and
    throws it into the fire and it goes,
    
    
    
    Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!!!
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    

Three DEC managers decide to go on a deer hunting trip in the great white north. 
In order to get to their hunting grounds, they charter a small seaplane.  The 
pilot says to the managers: "Now listen up you guys, you decide right now which 
one of you is going to bring back the deer, because I can't take all of you AND 
three dear".  The managers nod agreement and off they go.  The plane lands in a 
small, secluded lake and the Managers set out on their hunting expedition.   
 
One week later, the seaplane returns, and sure enough, the managers have
three deer laid out on the shore.  "I thought I told you guys I could only
carry you three plus one deer!!" the pilot exclaimed.  "Gee, we had this same
problem last year, but we gave the pilot an extra $50, and he took us" said
one of the managers.  "All right, dammit, load the deer!" said the pilot as
he took the bribe.
 
The plane taxis into the lake to get as much room as possible for the takeoff.
The pilot applies full throttle, and the plane veeerrry sluggishly climbs into
the air, clawing for altitude.  Alas, it is not enough.  The plane crashes into
a tree at the far end of the lake.  The managers, stunned by the impact, barely
manage to climb clear of the wreckage.  One of them says "Oh, my head!  Where
are we?".  Another managerer replies "About 100 feet from where we wound up
last year". 
 

    An elderly priest from a country parish dies and arrives at the gates
    of heaven, only to find himself in a long line waiting for St. Peter to
    check his credentials before he allows him to enter.  After waiting an
    hour or so, he suddenly get's nature's call.  He asks the man next to
    him to hold his place and then runs up to the head of the line.  He
    whispers in St. Peter's ear: "Please, where are the facilities?  I've
    got to go!"
    
    St. Peter directs him down the right-hand hallway.  The priest follows
    the directions and finds the most lavish bathroom he's ever seen. 
    Everything is in 24-karat gold - the floors, the fixtures, the stalls,
    even the toilets.  He thinks to himself: "I can't go on a gold toilet!"
    
    He runs back to St. Peter and whispers again in his ear: "Sorry, St.
    Peter, but there's no way I can go on a solid gold toilet.  Aren't
    there some other facilities?"
    
    St. Peter says that he understands and directs him down the left-hand
    hallway.  The priest follows the directions and finds the john.  In
    this one, everything is in gleaming silver.  Again the priest finds
    that he can't go in such luxurious surroundings.   He run back to St. 
    Peter and whispers: "Please, silver is too rich for my blood as well.  
    Don't you have any facilities for the common man?"
    
    St. Peter replies: "OK, I know what you need.  Run around the back of
    the building and follow the path out for 100 yards or so."
    
    The priest hurries to find a wooden outhouse, half-moon on the door,
    and quickly makes his way in.  As he is about to sit down, he notices
    that below the hole there is a little man running around in circles. 
    The priest quickly pulls his pants up and runs back to St. Peter: "I
    can't go there!  There's a little guy running around under the seat!"
    
    
    "That's OK," says St. Peter.  "That's our DEC field service guy -
    everyone sh*ts on him!"
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

It was the day St Peter had been waiting for for months.  His vacation was
to start, and he was just waiting for his relief to come to the Pearly
Gates.

After waiting about an hour, Jesus came up to him, and explained that his
relief would be late.  Dejected, but never one to quit, St Peter had a bold
thought.

"Jesus," he said, "could you man the Gates until the other guy comes?"

Jesus thought for a moment, and replied "But I wouldn't know what to do".

"Oh, it's pretty easy," said St Peter, "you just sit here, and as the people
come up to you, you decide if they're good or bad, up Here, or down there..."

After another moment's thought, Jesus said "Okay..."


Sitting on St Peter's chair, Jesus was really getting into the job, and
thinking that he might want to get out this way a little more often, when
far down the Path to the Pearly Gates, Jesus noticed a little old man
trudging upward.

After another hour, the poor man was still trudging.

After another hour, the poor old man had finally reached the Pearly Gates.

"Are these the Pearly Gates?" asked the man.

"Yes, they are," replied Jesus.  "Sit a bit, rest up, and then tell me
of your life."

The man rested, and began to tell Jesus of his life. 

"When I was a young man, I was a carpenter.  I used to make the most
wonderful things from wood."

At this, Jesus eyebrows raised, and he listened more intently.

"Then after a few years I had a son, and I loved him dearly"

By this time, Jesus was really listening....

"Finally, my son went away, and I never saw him again.  How I missed him
and loved him all those many year..."

Jesus could contain himself no longer.  "FATHER," he yelled, jumping up
to spread his arms wide to hug the old man.

The old man's face brighten, he jumped up shouting "PINOCCHIO!!!"

    
    Dan Quayle is visiting Poland.  You now have the next 10 minutes to
    make up your own joke.
    
    

[headers removed]
          
     Fishermen have their own language. The following is an exchange of
     lingo upon meeting at the favorite fishin' spot...
    
     Hiyamac.
     Lobuddy.
     Binearlong?
     Coplours.
     Cetchanenny?
     Goddafew.
     Kindarthay?
     Bassencarp.
     Ennysizetoom?
     Cuplapowns.
     Hittinhard?
     Sorda.
     Wahchoozin?
     Gobbawurms.
     Fishanonaboddum?
     Rydononaboddum.
     Whatchadrinkin?
     Jugajimbeam.
     Igoddago.
     Tubad.
     Seeyaroun!
     Yeahtakideezy.
     Guluk.

    Whasafunnyboutat?  Sway we talkn Pittsburgh allatime.
    
    	--dan'l

>>  Whasafunnyboutat?  Sway we talkn Pittsburgh allatime.
				     ^^^^^^^^^^  

Dan'l -

You sure you pronounce the "t's" that way??  ;^}

- Steve, whose_SO's_bro_moved_to_Pi**sburgh_last_week_and_got_his_car_stolen

                   S. FLORIDA IS PREPARED TO PLAY BALL
                               by Dave Barry
                   
                     reprinted from the Denver Post 
                    "Sports Sunday" -- 16 June 1991
             
   MIAMI - We have received an Urgent Update on the ongoing major-league
   baseball expansion story, which has dominated the South Florida news
   media to the point where we haven't even had room to report the recent
   events in the Soviet Union, which by the way declared war on us
   yesterday.

   But never mind that.  The important thing is that at 7:52 a.m.
   yesterday, baseball commissioner Fay Vincent announced the following:

   1. To preserve the integrity of major-league baseball, he is going to
      get his first name legally changed.  "I am thinking seriously about
      'Jennifer,'" he said.
   
   2. Regarding the two new franchises to be awarded, the situation
      remains unchanged.  Vincent said that Miami and Denver are
      "absolutely 1,000 percent certain to get franchises" so there is
      "nothing whatsoever for these cities to worry about" because
      "nothing can possibly go wrong at this point" except that "the
      entire deal could suddenly collapse like a cheap card table."
   
   Reading between the lines of the commissioner's statement, we can see
   that there is still cause for South Florida to be worried.  The
   hang-up at this point is the American League owners, who are concerned
   about protecting our National Pastime, by which I mean they want more
   money.  Right now the deal is that they each get several million
   dollars, plus a boat, plus a pony, plus any time they want, they can
   order H. Wayne Huizenga to give them a back rub.  This is not enough
   for the American League owners, who are under severe financial strain
   caused by routinely awarding 18-year, $432-million contracts to player
   who are of questionable ability, and in some cases, legally blind.

   So the American League owners are delaying the formal approval of our
   new franchise.  There is nothing that we, the South Florida fans, can
   do about this.  Our wisest course is to remain calm, and trust that
   the owners, in the spirit of reason and fairness, will be able to
   resolve their differences by tonight an 6 Eastern Standard Time.
   Otherwise, I say we track them down and shoot them like dogs.

   Because we're ready for baseball, and for our new team, whose name -
   symbolizing South Florida's natural maritime beauty and fierce spirit
   - will be "The Fighting Planktons."  We're very excited, even though
   we won't play our first game until 1993, which means it probably won't
   be until late in the decade that we actually get a man on base.
   Because let's not kid ourselves, the Planktons, like most expansion
   teams, will - as George Will phrased it - "bite a big weenie."  As a
   young, inexperienced team, the 'ktons are going to make the kinds of
   little mistakes that, in "the game of inches," so often lead to
   defeat:

      TV SPORTS ANNOUNCER: "In baseball, the Planktons were supposed to
      play the Mets today, but they forgot."
   
   This is why we should be happy that there are two expansion
   franchises, because this means there will be another really bad team,
   which means we'll have a city to be bitter rivals with.  I happened to
   be in Denver this past week, and the people there are as excited as we
   are.  Their team doesn't have a formal name yet, but there are a few
   promising candidates, including:  The Cows, The Minerals and The
   President's Son's Savings and Loan Company Bailouts.

   Whatever name they choose, they're going to make great rivals for us.
   In just the short time I was out there I heard many people make snide
   remarks about South Florida - The usual stereotyped, shopworn jokes
   about how we have a lot of humidity, violence, etc.  As a
   representative of South Florida, I chose not to dignify these remarks
   with a response, because there was a fungus clogging my Uzi barrel.

   But we'll get our chance to fight back where it counts, on the playing
   field.  Like you, I'm looking forward to many happy evenings at Joe
   Robbie Personal Stadium, turning out with the rest of the fans for
   various promotional events such as Humidity Night, Random Chicken
   Parts Night, Encephalitis Night, etc., and rooting for our 'ktons,
   regardless of whether they're losing by 10 runs or losing by 20 runs.
   The important thing is that the team will be building a solid
   foundation for the future, which is why I was very please to learn
   that the team management has already decided on a manager - a rare
   individual who has both a proven track record and an intimate
   knowledge of the South Florida sports scene.  I refer of course, to
   Ron Rothstein.
    

1.	Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. 
        See how many you can do at once.
2. 	Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3.	Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4.	When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5.	Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
6. 	Dance naked in front of your pets.
7.	Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school
	as if nothing is wrong.
8.	Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
9.	Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high
	places.
10.	Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. 	Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
12.	Go shopping. Buy everything.  Sweat in it.  Return it the next day.
13.	Buy a subscription of "Sleeziod Weekly" and send it to your boss's
        wife.
14.	Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15.	Drive to work in reverse.
16.	Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17.	Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it
	out.
18. 	Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg.
19. 	Polish your car with ear wax.
20.	Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21.	Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to
	you.
22. 	Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23.	Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24.	Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25.	Make up a language and ask people for directions.
 
Bonus.  Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the 
     	wrapper.
 

The Americans - Gordon Sinclair, 1973
-------------------------------------

The United States dollar took another pounding on German, French and
British Exchanges this morning, hitting the lowest point ever known in West
Germany.  It has declined there by 41% since 1971, and this Canadian thinks
it's time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly
the least appreciated people in all the world.

As long as sixty years ago when I first started to read newspapers, I read
of floods on the Yellow River and the Yangtze.  Well, who rushed in with
men and money to help?  The Americans did, that's who.  They have helped
control floods onthe Nile, the Amazon, the Ganges, and the Niger.  Today,
the rich bottomland of the Mississippi is under water and no foreign land
has sent a dollar to help.  Germany, Japan, and to a lesser extent Britain
and Italy, were lifted out of the debris of war by the Americans, who
poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in debts to the
United States.  When the franc was in danger of collapsing in 1956, it was
the Americans who propped it up.  And their reward was to be insulted and
swindled on the streets of Paris.  And I was there, I saw that.

When distant cities have been hit by earthquakes, it's the United States
that hurries in to help.  Managua, Nicaragua is one of the most recent
examples.  So far this spring, 59 American communities have been flattened
by tornados.  Nobody has helped.  The Marshall Plan, a Truman policy, all
pumped billions upon billions of dollars into discouraged countries and now
newspapers in those countries are writing about the decadent, war-mongering
Americans.  Now, I'd like to see just one of those countries gloating over
the erosion of the U.S. dollar build it's own airplane.  Come on now, you!
Let's hear it!  Does any country in the world have a plane to equal the
Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star or the Douglas DC-10?  If so, why
don't they fly them?  Why do all international lines except Russia fly
American planes?  Why does no other land on Earth even consider putting a
man or even a woman on the moon?  You talk about Japanese technocracy and
you get radios.  You talk about German technocracy and you get automobiles.
You talk about American technocracy, and you find men on the moon, not
once, but several times, and safely home again.

You talk about scandals, and the Americans put theirs right in the store
window for everybody to look at.  Even the draft dodgers are not pursued
and hounded.  They are right here on our streets in Toronto.  Most of them,
unless they're breaking Canadian laws are getting American dollars from Ma
and Pa at home to spend up here.  When the Americans get out of this bind,
and they will, who could blame them if they said, "To hell with the rest of
the world!  Let somebody else buy the bombs.  Let somebody else build or
repair foreign dams, or design foreign buildings that won't shake apart in
earthquakes."

When the railways of France and Germany and India were breaking down in
through age, it was the Americans who rebuilt them.  When the Pennsylvania
or the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old caboose!
Both of them are still broke.  I can name to you five thousand times when
the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble.  Can you name
even ONE time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble?  I don't
think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.  Our
neighbors have faced it alone, and I'm one Canadian who is damned tired of
hearing them get kicked around!  They'll come out of this thing with their
flag high and when they do, they're entitled to thumb their noses at the
lands that are gloating over their present troubles.  I hope Canada is not
one of these.  But there are many smug and self-righteous Canadians.  And
finally, the American Red Cross was told at its 48th Annual meeting in New
Orleans this morning that it was broke.  This year's disasters, with the
year less than half-over, has taken it all, and nobody, but nobody has
helped!

Mike, 

Where'd you get the article from?

Sinclair (dead now) used to write for the Star and be on TV all the time.

Neat article, particularly timely in view of the Iraq stuff.  (I remember how
ashamed I was to note that after months of deliberation, Canada sent over to
life boats and half-a-dozen soldiers.)

//rick//

The piece from Sinclair was actually recorded with patriotic music in the
background and climbed the charts in the US back around 1972 or so (1972 is a
wild guess - anyone know when the Red Cross was founded? - add 48 years to that
to find out exactly).

j.

    Jeff is right.  One of the local radio stations was playing it quite a
    bit during Desert Storm.  One of the locals received a transcription
    from the radio station and typed it in.
    
    Mike

    A newly-wed couple is preparing to spend their wedding night together.
    It is the first time that they will be going to bed together.
    
    As the husband removes his shoes and socks, revealing horribly
    disfigured toes, the bride asks what the problem with his toes is.  The
    man replies, "When I was young, I had Toelio".  His new wife
    asks,"Don't you mean Polio??"  The husband replies, "No it was Toelio. 
    Toelio is a very rare disease that affects only the victims toes!"
    
    The Bride accepts the groom explanation and he continues to undress. 
    When he has removed his trousers, revealing his huge knees, the bride
    asks what is wrong with his knees.  The new husband replies, "When I
    was young, I also contracted Kneesles."  The bide asks, "Don't you mean
    Measles?"  The groom replies, "No it was Kneesles, a rare disease that
    only affects the knees."
    
    The bride accepts this and the groom continues to undress.
    When he removes his underwear, his new wife gasps and says to him,
    
    "Don't tell me, Let me guess, 
    
    SMALLCOX, right?????
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

>>wild guess - anyone know when the Red Cross was founded? - add 48 years to that
>>to find out exactly).

jeff,

I looked it up since I thought I should know as it's just down the road from
here.

The RC was founded in 1881 plus 48 years equals 1929.

This means Sinclair had amazing powers for seeing into the future and people
were probably jitterbugging to it!

;^))))

rick

    Good going, Alec.  
    
    And I thought your name was Rick.
    
    lEe

    re Walt's p-name:
    
    Last I saw Ken Patera (somewhere around the first of the year), he was
    wrestling in a newly formed wrestling organization called the Universal
    Wrestling Federation (UWF).   Haven't seen a UWF show for a while
    (they have a weekly program on SportsChannel), so I don't know if
    Patera is still with them.
    
    
    py

    Thanks.

>>       <<< Note 20.163 by REFINE::ASHE "What happened to Ken Patera?" >>>
>>                   -< And stop stealing my p-name theme... >-

Sorry, I didn't realize I was.

A few weeks ago there was discussion about who the great boxers were and Ali
came into it.  Anyway, the talk was about who Ali had knocked out and who he
hadn't and Chuvalo came to mind.

Although he was a pretty mediocre boxer, in all those years *nobody* ever
knocked him out.  The all time Mr. Punching Bag.

BTW, the last time I saw him was about ten years ago and his face looked like
a melted bag of caramels.  Yuk.    

BTW, wouldn't it be funny if our boy Ruddock zapped that little jerk Tyson
tonight???

rick

 Walt, Tony's one of Vinscummy's hired hands. He's like a roadie for a rock
 band, if you get the drift...

Chavalo was one of the hardest punching heavy wieghts ever to lace 
em' up. 



Steve

    
    Chuvalo was shown in a piece in Sports Illustrated recently that
    featured past opponents of George Foreman.  I think he's managing
    fighters or a gym or something.  Foreman was quoted as saying Chuvalo
    hit him harder than anyone else ever did... 
    
    glenn
    

    No problem Rick...  I think I'll sleep tonight... haha...
    
    Thanks for the info Mike.
    
    -Walt

    
  >> <<< Note 20.170 by REFINE::ASHE "What happened to Starland Vocal Band?" >>>
                                      ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    
    They're still trying to dig their way out of the teeny bopper BUBBLE
    GUM crap they put out.   If we're lucky, if they ever emerge,
    somebody'll nuke them!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

         (__)             (__)             (__)             (__)
         (oo)             (oo)             (oo)             (oo)
  /-------\/       /-------\/       /-------\/       /-------\/
 / |     ||       / |     ||       / |     ||       / |     ||
*  ||----||      *  ||W---||      *  ||w---||      *  ||V---||
   ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~         ~~    ~~
     Cow           Cow laden        Same cow       Betty Ford-type
                   with milk     after milking     cow with milk
 
         (___)             (___)    *        (___)             (___)
         (o o)             (o o)     \       (o o)             (o o)
  /-------\ /       /-------\ /       \-------\ /       /-------\ /
 / |     ||O       / |     ||O         |     ||O       / | ~#>-+|O
*  ||,---||       *  ||@\--||          ||,---||       *  ||,----|
   ~~    ~~          ~~    ~~          ~~    ~~          ~~     ~
     Bull       Same bull after    Rotc bull after    Red-blooded American Bull
                seeing above cow   seeing other bull   shooting the Rotc bull
 
         (__)             (__)             (__)             (__)
         (oo)             (oo)             (oo)             (oo)
  /-------\/-*     /-------\/       /-------\/   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 / |     || \     )*)(\/* /  *     / |     ||
*  ||----||  *   \ |||/)|/()(    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
\/|(/)(/\/(,,/   \)|(/\/|)(/\

  Cow munching   Grass munching   Cow in water       Cow in trouble
    on grass         on cow
 
          (__)             (__)    *        (__) *      (__)
          (oo)             (oo)     \       (oo) |      (oo)
  /--------\/      /-oooooo-\/       \-------\/  \-------\/
 * o|     ||      * ooooooooo     o  o|     ||   /     ||
    ||----||     ooooooooooooo        ||----||>==/-----||
 ooo~~    ~~    ooooooooooooooooo     ~~    ~~         ~~
  Cow taking      Cow in deep         Cow getting the sh__
    sh__              sh__             kicked out of her
         (__)
         (oo)                       U
  /-------\/                    /---V
 / |     ||                    * |--|                       .
*  ||----||
   ~~    ~~
 
Cow at 1 meter.         Cow at 100 meters.        Cow at 10,000 meters.
 
 
         (__)                     )__(                vv    vv
         (oo)                     (oo)                ||----||  *
  /-------\/               *-------\/                 ||     | /
 / |     ||               / |     ||                 /\-------/
*  ||----||              /  ||----||                (oo)
   ~~    ~~                 vv    vv                (~~)
 
American Cow              Polish Cow            Australian Cow

         (__)                     (__)                     (__)
         (oo)                ____ (oo)                _---_(oo)
  /-------\/               /-    --\/               /-     -\/
 / |     ||               / |     ||               /|      ||
*  ||----||              *  ||___-||              *  ||___-||
   ~~    ~~                 ~~    ~~                 ~~    ~~
Freshman Cow             Freshman Cow             Freshman Cow
Arriving at RIT     After the "Freshman 15"    After the "Freshman 20"
 
         (__)                     (__)                     (__)
         (OO)                     (@@)                     (xx)
  /-------\/               /-------\/               /-------\/
 / |     ||               / |     ||               / |     ||
*  ||----||              *  ||----||              *  ||----||
   ~~    ~~                 ~~    ~~                 ~~    ~~
 
Cow who drank Jolt       Cow who ate              Cow who used Jolt to wash
                      psychadelic mushrooms      down psychadelic mushrooms

                  ________________________
         (__)    /                        \
         (oo)   (  Meet our great leader!  )
  /-------\/  --'\________________________/
 / |     ||
*  ||----||
   ~~    ~~

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  # #       #      #   #                      #  #               #  #
  # #      #      #   #                       #  #               #  #
 #   #      #    #   #                        #  #               #  #
  # #        #   #   #                        #  #               #  #
   #          #   #   #                       #  #               #  #
               ##### ###                      ####               ####
                ###### ###                   ######             ######
                                         /\                  __
                                        /  \                 ||
             (__)                 (__)  \  /               (_||_)
             SooS                 (oo)   \/                 (oo)
      /------S\/S          /-------\/    /S          /-------\/
     / |     ||           / |     ||    /  S        / |     ||
    *  ||----||          *  ||----||___/    S      *  ||----||
       ~~    ~~             ~~    ~~                  ~~    ~~
    This cow belonged     Ben Franklin owned       Abe Lincoln's
  to George Washington       this cow                   cow
 
         *        (__)                           (oo)
          \       (oo)                     /------\/
           \-------\/                     /|  |/  |
            | ==$ ||                     / |  [) ||
            ||----||                    *  ||----||
            ~~    ~~                       ~~    ~~
     Old "One Arm" belonged           This cow was given to
       to Ceasar's Palace           Hugh Hefner for his Birthday
                  (___)               (__)      (__)
                  ( O )               (oo)      (oo)
           /-------\ /                 \/--------\/
          / |     ||V                   |        |
         *  ||----||                    ||------||
            ~~    ~~                    ~~      ~~
  The cyclops that Jason and         This cow lived with
the Argonauts met had this cow          Dr. Doolittle
 
             (__)                   (__)
             [##]                   (@o)
      /-------\/             /-------\/              /-------  (__)
     / |     ||             / |     ||              / |     || (oo)
    *  ||----||            *  ||----||             *  ||----|---\/
       ~~    ~~               ~~    ~~                ~~    ~
 This cow belonged      This cow lived with      This cow belonged to
  to Flash Gordon       the Little Rascals       the Headless Horseman
 

The following three cows were supposed to be appearing with the
Celebrity Cows pictured above... However, I found out that they
were sitting around a bar getting drunk discussing what exactly
is art.  The cows' conclusion:  Art is a bunch of Bull(s).
 
                    (____)             (____)                           (____)
                    (oo  )                (o  o)                        ( O O)
         /-----------\  /          /-----\    /----          /-----------\  /
        / ||       |  \/          / |   |  \/   |           / ||       |  \/
       /  ||       ||||           \ |  |      | | |        /  ||       ||||
      *   ||||-----||||            *| | |-----| | |       *   ||||-----||||
          /\/\     /\/\             /\ /\     /\ /\           ~~~~     ~~~~

     This cow belonged         This was Salvatore      No one was sure whether
      to Pablo Picasso        Dali's favorite cow    M.C. Escher's cow had four
                                                           legs or eight
 
Seeing as how it is Spring Break Season, I thought I would share
with you some Vacation Ideas for any of you Cows out there on the
Net who don't know where to go for some fun.
                                        - Steve "Hawk" Schultz
                                          Head of Heifer Control
 
Well, first of all, there are theme parks and historic sites:
 
 
               O__O                             \_|_/
               (oo)                             (oo)
        /-------\/                       /-------\/
       / |     ||                       / |     ||
      *  ||----||                      *  ||----||
         ~~    ~~                         ~~    ~~
    Cow at Disneyland         Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty
 
There's the fun and warmth of the southwest:
 
 
                        (__)
                ~~      (oo)
            ~~~~ /-------\/
         ~~~~~  / |     ||
       ~~~~~   *  ||----||
    ~~~~~~~~  ====~~====~~====
~~~~~~~~~~~~~/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Cow Hanging Ten at Malibu
 
And on the other coast, while the water might be a little chilly up
north, it is still exciting:
 
 
               )\               (__)
              /  \              (oo)
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
           Cow swimming at Amityville
(Where Jaws was filmed, for those less educated)
 
For those who believe in Winter Wonderland's, the Rockies present
excitement galore:
 
          *
           \
            \
            |\
          \ | \ (__)
          \\|| \(oo)
           \||\ \\/
            ~~ \||
             \\ ||
              \\||
               \||
                ~~
                 \\_
                  \_
   Cow skiing a Black Diamond at Aspen
 
And of course, the traditional Spring Break spot, where you can go for
expensive beer and cheap sex:
 
                                          (__)
                                          (--)
                                         /-\/-\
                                        /|    |\
                                       ~ |    | ~
               (__)                      |    |
               (DD)                      /----\
        /-------\/                      /    \ \
       / |     ||_\_/                  ~      * ~
      *  ||----|               Cow sunning at Fort Lauderdale
         ~~    ~                   (What a bod, huh guys?)
Cow chugging brews and staring at
  sunbathers at Fort Lauderdale
 
Or, for those who have trouble picking up members of the opposite sex:
 
 
                       O O                 O O
                        \ \               / /
                         \ \          (__) /
          (__)            \ \         (xx)/
          (DD)             \ +--------+\//
   /-------\/               \|        | /
  / |     ||                 +--------+
 *  ||----||
    ~~    ~~
Cow fantasizing about "Riding the Mechanical Bull"
            at Gillies in Texas
 
Disclaimer:  If these have offended anyone, I apologize, not whole-heartedly,
             but I do apologize.  I mean, what do you expect from a bunch
             of cows???
One more for you...
 
              \ (__)
              \\(oo)
         /-----\\\/
        / |    (##)
       *  ||----||"
          ~~    ~~
    This cow plays bagpipes.
 

    Too funny !

    If Elvis were alive, at this very minute, what would he be doing?
    
    
    
    Probably frantically scratching the sh*t out of the inside of his
    
    coffin!
    
    'ta boom!
    
    
    Kev
    

	On my way to work today I heard some bad news and some worse news.

The bad news is that the U.S. Surgeon General has discovered that sex causes
cancer!

    
The worse news is where she wants to put the warning label!!!!

ta Boom!

    
    Kev

    Did you hear about Ray Charles recent visit to the doctor?  The doctor
    told him, "Ray, I have some good news and some bad news.  The bad news
    is that we'll have to remove your left filbert.  The good news is
    
    YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE BABY!"

    I'm howlin'!
    
    Mark.

    Squwak, this one's for you!
    
    
                           JOHN LEARNS TO PLAY GOLF
    
       My wife said to me: John , it's about time that you learned to play golf.
    That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you
    are too old to chase women.
    
       So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. 
    He said: sure, you've got balls haven't you?  I said yes, but sometimes
    on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find.  Bring them to the clubhouse
    tomorrow, he said, and we will tee off.  What's tee off, I asked?
    
       He said, it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the
    clubhouse.  Not for me, I said, you can tee off if you want to but I'll
    tee off behind the barn, somewhere.  No, no, he said, a tee is a fine thing
    about the size of your little finger.  Yeah, I've got one of those. 
    Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.  I
    asked, do you play golf sitting down?  I always thought that you stood
    up and walked around.  You do, he said, you're standing up when you put
    your ball on the tee.  Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a
    little too far, and I said so!
    
       He said, you've got a bag, haven't you?  Sure, I said.  He said, your
    balls are in it, aren't they?  Of course, I told him.  Well, he said, can't
    you open the bag and take one out?  I said, I suppose I could, but damned if
    I was going to.  He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told
    him no, I'm the old fashioned type.
    
       Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.  Well, after fifty years
    I should have some sort of idea, and I told him so.  He said, you take your
    club in both hands---folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was
    talking about.  Then he said you swing it over your shoulder.  No, no,
    that's not me, that's my brother you're thinking about.  He asked me, how
    do you hold your club and before I thought I said, "in two fingers."  He
    said that wasn't right and got behind me and put both arms around me and
    told me to bend over and he would show me how.  He couldn't catch me there,
    because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing.
    
       He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar. 
    Isaid I could well imagine.  Then he said, and when your're on the green--
    what's the green, I asked.  That's where the hole is, he said.  Surely you
    are not color blind, I asked.  No, then you take your putter--what's the
    putter, I asked.  That's the smallest club made, he said.  That's what I've
    got, a putter.  And with it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.  I
    corrected, you mean the putter?  He said, the ball, the hole isn't big
    enough for the ball and the putter too.  Well, I've seen holes big
    enough for a horse and wagon.  Then, he said, after you make the first hole,
    you go on to the next seventeen.
    
       He wasn't thinking about me.  After two holes I'm shot to hell.  You
    mean, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in one day?  Hell, no, it
    takes me eighteen days to make one hole, besides, how do I know when
    I'm in the eighteenth hole?  He said the flag would go up.
    
       THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK!
                                   

>    this old southern guy's 1st visit to Boston and going to his 1st ever
>    hockey game, which he knew nothing about.  
    
    You sure he was from the south and wasn't just a NorthStars fan?
    

    Don't know how long this has been floating around the net, but if you
    haven't seen it, enjoy...
    
    

                 NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.

    Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!  After
    countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these
    facts have emerged:

    Relationships:

    
    First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he
    refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
    semi-regular basis".  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour
    her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
    Men Are Idiots".  Then she will get on with her life.  A man has a little
    more trouble letting go.  Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a
    Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you
    ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
    total floozy.  But I want you to know there's always a chance for us".
    This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99%
    of all men have made at least once.  There are community colleges that
    offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely
    prove effective.


    Sex:

    Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of
    foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.


    Maturity:

    Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can function
    as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
    giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
    romances rarely work.


    Handwriting:

    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
    chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
    "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in
    their "p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.
    Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the
    note.


    Bathrooms:

    A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
    shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
    Inn.  The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.  A
    man would not be able to identify most of these items.


    Groceries:

    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
    buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
    half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he goes grocery shopping.
    He buys everything that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the
    checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
    Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
    10-items-or-less lane.


    Going out:

    When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
    When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go
    out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her
    makeup...


    Cats:

    Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
    men kick cats.


    Offspring:

    Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about
    dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
    favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely
    aware of some short people living in the house.


    Dressing up:

    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage
    answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress up for:
    weddings, funerals.


    David Letterman:

    Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
    Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.


    Laundry:

    Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every article of
    clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
    years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he is finally out of
    clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
    take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to meet
    beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth.


    Weddings:

    When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".  Men
    talk about "the bachelor party".


    Socks:

    Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweatsocks.  Women wear
    strange socks.  They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds
    on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

    
    Nicknames:

    If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will
    call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if Mike, Dave,
    Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
    other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.


----- End forwarded message
    

From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Mike Royko)
Newsgroups: clari.feature.mike_royko
 
MIKE ROYKO
	This could be phrased more delicately, but the fact of the matter is
that Lauren R. Januz has a real big butt.
	My guess is that he probably has as spacious a butt as anyone in the
wealthy suburb of Lake Forest, which is where he lives, and where most
people strive for a bottom that they can proudly display on a tennis
court.
	But that's his business. Or it should be his business, since it is
his oversized butt. However, he has chosen to make the size of his hind
end a public issue.
	Januz recently sent a stern letter to the chief executive officer of
McDonald's Corp. He sent copies to me and the Minority Rights Division
of the U.S. attorney's office.
	He wrote: ``I represent a minority group that is just as visible as
blacks, Mexicans, Latins, Asians or women. Your company has taken it
upon itself to grossly and improperly discriminate against large people
-- both tall and heavyset -- and we are prepared, if necessary, to bring
federal litigation against your company to comply with the Equal Rights
in Public Accommodations Provision.
	``I refer specificially to your discrimination against overweight
people: namely, the fact that the seats in your restaurants are for the
most part `fixed seats' or `booths' in which the distance between the
chair and table is not adjustable.
	``I refer particularly to your operator at Dempster and Cicero in the
town of Skokie. Not a single seat in that restaurant is a moveable seat
-- thus resulting in an impossibility of effective seating for an
overweight person.
	``I have a 60-inch waist and am 6 feet 5 inches tall. It is
absolutely impossible for me to get service in that restaurant because
of the type of seating that you have installed. Further, many of the
single seats have such small platforms on the seats that it is
impossible for the posterior of an overweight individual to sit on that
seat.
	``We are very serious in our demands that McDonald's recognize the
existence of the large and heavy minority that make up nearly 20 percent
of the American population, and take severe steps to provide at least 20
percent of the the seating in your restaurants to be suitable ... for
large and heavy people.
	``We will await bringing litigation for 30 days pending the
possibility of a suitable plan being developed by McDonald's to
recognize the problems and heavy minority.''
	An interesting point of view, but my guess is that if Januz sues, he
will lose. Unless he happens to get a judge who has a 60-inch waist.
	I don't know what the federal laws say about equal rights in public
accommodations, but I don't think Januz is on firm legal ground when he
puts himself in the same category as blacks, Mexicans, Asians, women or
others who might be considered minorities. They were born black,
Mexican, women, etc.
	But Januz was not born with a 60-inch waist and an enormous butt. Nor
did anyone force him to develop a 60-inch waist and an enormous butt.
After a certain age, he created himself and his butt. They are his
responsibility. And even the most liberal of liberals would have to
agree that Januz's 60-inch waist and awesome butt should not be the
responsibility of the federal government of the United States of
America.
	If anything, McDonald's might be sending him a subtle and considerate
message by providing chairs that don't accommodate his bulk. They might
be saying: ``If you can't fit into our chairs, you shouldn't be eating
our food. Forget the Quarter Pounder with cheese, large fries and a
malt. You shouldn't even think about a Happy Meal. Take our advice: Go
to a veggie joint instead, and nibble on some carrots.''
	After receiving a copy of his letter, I called Januz and asked him if
he was serious about suing.
	``Yes, I am,'' he said, sounding serious. And he went on to tell me
about how many Americans are overweight or very tall and wide and how
unfair it is that some of them can't squeeze into a seat at a
McDonald's.
	Then we had the following conversation.
	How old are you?
	``I am 52.''
	How much do you weigh?
	``I'm, uh, about 365 or 370. I have a 16-inch shoe.''
	Do you have a regular physician?
	``Uh, yes, I do.''
	What do you think your physician would tell you?
	``He'd, uh, tell me to diet.''
	And he would probably advise you to stay out of McDonald's, wouldn't
he?
	``As a matter of fact, I talked to him the other day.''
	What did he say?
	``He said that my car should be trained to drive past all McDonald's,
Haagen-Dazs and places like that.''
	Good luck.
	``Thank you.''
	And if Januz does sue, I have one piece of advice for him.
	When it is your turn to testify, be careful. Do not sit on the
judge's bailiff.
	
	(C) 1991 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
    

Whoa.....

I mean, I have a prop butt, but compared to a 60" waist, I'd be like
a little dude...

Tell that guy to get some Slim Fast....8^)


'Saw

       Hey, maybe he goes to Macdougals for that new 'Slim menu'!
                                      Denny

    OK, they have started (T'was inevitable) but I'm suprised it
    took so long.
    
    For the squeemish, KP3 or next unseen is recommended
    
    
    Second chance, don't say I didn't give ya a_ample opportunity...
    
    
    
    
    Are you sure???
    
    
    OK, what's worse than going to a bar-b-que with Dahmer?
    
    
    
    
    
    Going to a weenie roast!!!
    
    
    Ta Boom!!!
    
    Kev
    

    
    Jeff Dahmer worked in a chocolate factory.  Did he make Hershey bars...
    
       ...with nuts?
    

I heard Dahmer was having a hard time paying his rent....



It was costing him an arm and a leg each month

    Do you know why he kept the heads on the refrigerator?

    

    He wanted a head on his beer!
    
    He was told that cooler heads prevailed!!!

    REK

Here's a few VogonBalls, from VOGON News.  All are sports related.....



>    "That's the first time I've been licked by a fifteen year old."
>
>				- Martina Navratilova
>				- from Randall Morrison (Warrington, England)
>

Can we really be sure????



>    "...and Cork are still standing, but on bended knee."
>
>				- Unidentified hurling commentator
>				- from Paul McNelis (Galway, Ireland)

If you've ever seen hurling....



>    "That's the crucial point, if the ball is passed backwards it can't
>    possibly be a forward pass."
>
>				- Australian rugby commentator
>				- from Bernie White (Auckland, New Zealand)

Duh!

    Well, I was waitng for the Dahmer jokes to start.
    
    I don't know 'bout you all - but this case really gives me the
    heebie-jeebies.  Man, what a sick puppy.
    
    But, there seems to be a fascination with serial killers.  I was in a
    book store yesterday, and they have a book about Henry Lucas - the
    serial killer charged with 157 deaths - though they think he might have
    done upwards of 350.  ANyway, the book was prominently displayed - and
    get this - it comes complete with a cassette tape of Lucas'
    confession!!!
    
    I couldn't believe it.  
    
    
    
    What's the one food that Dahmer NEVER, EVER served?
    
    
    
    Lady FIngers...
    
    
    
    
    
    JD

    recalled from memory from today's Ann Landers
    
    " I heard on the 5 o'clock news....
    
    In Los Angeles police arrested a man walking naked down the street with
    a woman who claimed she was Amelia Arhart.  When police asked them what
    they were doing, she replied they were looking for her plane!
    
    and people accuse me of making up letters"
    
    ta boom!
    
    Kev
    

                ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    
    JaKe
    

Have you heard that Pee Wee Herman has declined to hire a lawyer to
fight his morals charge?



He thinks he can get off handling it himself......

    Has the "dumb blonde" joke rage hit New England yet?  I've been hearing
    tons of these in the last month or so.

    Jeff Dahmer made bail today!!!
    
    He had a tough time, though, it cost him an arm and a leg
                      
    It took him a while to dig it up!!
    
    Dahmer's old apartment is now up for rent.  They say it comes complete
    with a roommate...
    
    some assembly required!!!
    
    It was said that Dahmer's lover once came home very late and for
    dinner, Dahmer gave him
    
    the cold shoulder.
    
    Dahmer is said to love finger sandwiches.
    The Police finally caught Dahmer after they put "all the pieces"
    together and put the finger on him!!
    
    What's the difference between PeeWee Herman and Jeff Dahmer???
    
    One's a whacker and the other is a hacker.
    
    
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    
    

       Anyone see 'Tales From The Crypt' on HBO lasted night? If you have a
    chance, catch it when it's rerun in the next week. If they hadn't
    filmed this thing months ago you'd swear they got some inspiration from
    Dahmer.
                                      Denny

    What's the last thing Mrs. Herman said to Pee Wee as he was leaving
    that night?
    
    Careful where you hang out dear!

    what has 3 heads and flies???
    
    Jeff Dahmer's Apartment
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

So what's Jeffrey Dahmer's next job going to be?
Head Chef...

The police found more evidence in Dahmer's bathroom.
Head and Shoulders...

What does it cost to rent an apartment in Milwaukee?
An arm and a leg...

Why was Dahmer really arrested?
Smuggling arms to Cuba...

WHat did Dahmer say ion the courtroom?
"Please, Judge, have a heart"

Why do you have to whisper in Dahmer's apartment?
The walls have ears...

                                                 Denny

    How do we know jeff Dahmer was a homosexual?
    
    
    
    He always wanted to give head.

    What was Dahmer's favorite meal??
    
    
    Beans and Frank!!!
    
    
    JaKe
    

Those of you offended by such things, change the channel now.

 
		Did you hear about the new Pee-Wee Herman doll?






 
			It pulls it's own string.







	I understand that the Pee-Wee line of clothing is discounted now
	in the stores.







		In fact, Pee-Wee's pants are half off.


 




 
	    The local Denny's is offering the Paul Reuben Special.






 
	    Order any sandwich; but you have to hold the pickle.
 
 

Did you hear that Jeff Dahmer had to buy a new refrigerator?


Yeah, he needed more head room.....

What do you get when you show up late for dinner at Jeff Dahmer's house?



The cold shoulder

    Jeff Dahmer had his mom over for lunch the other day.  She said, "Jeff,
    I don't like the neighbors."  Jeff said,
    
    "Well set your plate aside and have dessert!"

>        <<< Note 20.205 by HAVASU::HEISER "my head's in Mississippi" >>>
                                            ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

As long as it's not in Milwaukee, you're all set....8^)




>    Jeff Dahmer had his mom over for lunch the other day.  She said, "Jeff,
>    I don't like the neighbors."  Jeff said,
>    
>    "Well set your plate aside and have dessert!"

Groan, groan, groan.....

    no that's the cool new ZZ Top tune!

Mike, it reminds me of an od Mose Allison tune, 

	"Your mind's on vacation but your mouth's on overtime"

TTom

>    no that's the cool new ZZ Top tune!


Is that just getting air play out there?  It was big here last fall.

btw,  you should see them do it in concert.  Too cool, with the lasers
and everything!!!!!!

'Saw

>Is that just getting air play out there?  It was big here last fall.
    
    Of course not, but it is the recent "single" so it is getting more
    airplay than usual.  
    
    GUITAR magazine had the notation for it about 4 months ago!
    
    Mike

Well, I don't know much about playin' guitar, but those boys sure can
play.

My favorite of theirs is still 'La Grange' though.  Still to this day don't
know the words (just "there's a lot of nice girls there") but love the tune...


'Saw

What did Jeff Dahmer serve his Irish friend for dinner?



Mulligan Stew

    Heard today that Sears Roebuck, & Co. is going to sell Jeff Dahmer's
    own line of clothing, it's called
    Dis-Members Only!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    What did the Police find in Jeff Dahmer's freezer????
    
    
    Ben & Jerry
    
    
    JaKe
    

Three guys went to play golf. They were worried about how crowded the
course might be but found it pretty easy going through the first nine.

Then, as they headed to go the the tenth tee they noticed that there
was a crowd of people in front of them. And on every hole on the back
nine, the crowd got bigger and the waiting got longer. Finally on the
14th, everyone was stopped. 

So these guys started cussing about the hold up and went to the
clubhouse to complain to the course officials. One of the officials
told them: "There's a benefit going on to help the blind and there are
blind golfers on the course." 

The first guy said, "I'm sorry. Here's a thousand dollar donation to
the blind." 

The second guy said, "I'm sorry, too. Here's another thousand dollar
donation." 

The third guy said, 

"#$%&@!, let 'em play at night." 

    I don't know if this is an old line or not, but over the weekend I
    heard my dad say to his golfing buddy:
    
    "I know what's wrong with your game, Bill."
    
    "What."
    
    
    
    "You stand too close to the ball after you hit it."
    
    

    Reminds me of what my then-boss (an avid golfer) said to me after 
    we played a few holes. (Had I mentioned I had just started
    to play golf?  No?  Well, lemme mention I had only started
    to play about 2 months earlier)
    
    I was eager to learn all I could so when he, a 4 handicap,
    came out of the blue and said,
    "Kev, I've been studying your game for a while and I think
    I know what's wrong......
    
    "I'd like you to put your clubs away for 2 weeks, don't touch them, 
    and
    
    			
    
    
    
    
    
    			THEN QUIT!!!!!!!"
    
    
    ha ha - he had me rolling big time!
    
    I didn't take his advice either but my game IS improving.  Saturday
    I played 9 holes WITH THE SAME BALL!!!!!!  That's a personal record!
    
    Kev
    

Seems Bill was out for a round of golf with his buddies, and they
were playing the new River Highlands TPC Course in Cromwell Connecticut.

They'd made it to the 16th hole, and Bill was having a pretty good day,
especially considering just how tough the new course was.

So as Bill steps up to the 16th tee, a par three, with nothing but
water between the end of the tee and the start of the green, his buddy
Ed says "Bill, you wanna put a little wager on you driving the green?"

Bill replies "Sure.  How 'bout $25?"

Ed says "Nope, how bout $100?"

Bill thinks a minute, and then says "Sure."


Well, having heard this Don says to Bill "Well, Bill, don't count me out,
how bout $100 for me too?"

Bill says, "No problem"


Finally, the last guy in the foursome, Creighton (he every joke needs a weird
name) says to Bill "Five hundred bucks says you don't drive the green".

Bill thinks for a minute, looks Creighton square in the eye, and says
"You're on, buddy".....


With that Bill tees up his ball and carefully addresses it.  He stands there
gathering himself for a few moments....  Then he stepped back away from his
ball and headed back to his bag.

"What are you *doing*???" asked the trio of bettors

Bill replied


	"I'd better get an old ball for this shot...."

    I played golf for the first time since college (only the third time in
    my life) over my vacation.  Well, as you can guess, I wasn't that good
    ( I shot a 123 on 18 EASY holes).  Well, my brother-in-law who was
    quite a bit better said, "Paul, your problem is that you are hitting
    the big ball first." 
    
    I couldn't figure out what he meant until he said, "The big ball, you
    know, EARTH".
    
    -Paul
    
    Who logged over 2,000 miles this vacation with a 6 year-old, 2 year-old
    and a 4 month-old.  I'm still alive !!!

And the first thing that Paul said when he came into my cube this morning
was


		Eeeee, Eeeee, Eeeeee

Speaking of golf, I had the best round of my life the other day,
I shot a 76.

But then I had to play the back 9


But seriously,   I usually shoot in the high 70's - low 80's

Any higher than that, it's just too damned hot.

Hillbilly Patriot Fan,

Chap

    I dunno, I always thought golf was played wrong.  Or, rather, scored
    wrong.
    
    To me, the course should be set out, then a pro should play it a number
    of times to determine what par is for the entire course.  Not for each
    hole, but a total.  Say, 72 for a given course.
    
    Now, the course opens, and each golfer gets a small red flag and a
    marking pen.  He prints his name on the red flag, takes the flag and
    then goes to the tee.
    
    He tees off, and plays the course until he's taken his 72nd stroke.  He
    then plants the little red flag where the ball ended up at rest, then
    returns to the clubhouse for a few.
    
    This would sure cut down on the amount of time needed to play a
    "round", as the round would not be 9 or 18 holes, but 72 strokes.  
    
    Everyone would pay the same for each stroke, instead of players like me
    getting lot's more strokes for my money!  :*)
    
    lEe

    Heard this on the radio this morning:

    A handyman was doing some work on a church when he saw the preacher
    walking down the sidewalk toward the church.  The handyman was surprised
    because the preacher always rode a bicycle.

    When the preacher got up to the doors of the church, the handyman asked
    him where his bicycle was.

    "Well, I guess somebody stole it because I haven't seen it since the
    other night right before service."

    "Hmmmm," said the handyman, "could be one of your parishioners."

    "Could be," said the preacher.

    "Well, if'n ya don't mind, I got an idea that might get your bike back. 
    This Sunday, preach your sermon on the 10 Commandments.  When you get
    to the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' lay in real loud and heavy. 
    Really emphasize that one.  Then the person who stole your bicycle will
    be overcome by so much guilt, he'll return it."

    "That's a good idea," said the preacher.

    So the following Monday, the handyman was back at the church working
    when he saw the preacher ride up on his bicycle.  "I see you got your
    bike back, preacher.  My idea worked!"

    "Well, sort of."

    "What do you mean?  The guy who stole your bike brought it back right?"

    "Not really.  I did just what you said and preached about the 10
    Commandments.  But when I got to the one about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
    Adultery...

    


    ...I remembered where I left my bicycle."

    But Hawk, then it wouldn't be golf.  See, just about everyone who plays
    the game has ONE good shot per round.  Better golfers have more than
    one.  My kind has just ONE.  Anyway, it's that ONE that brings me back,
    round after round after round.  
    
    Why?  Cause I know I can do ONE, so now I want to have TWO.  And,
    every once-in-awhile, I get TWO.  But, I don't push it, by hoping for
    THREE.  I mean, I might be dumb but I am realistic.
    
    Funny about drinking.  If I have a few before playing, I am amazed how
    my final score does not accurately reflect the great round I'm sure I
    just had.  Must be that my math goes bad just as I'm adding up my card.
    :*)
    
    lEe

    Male chauvinist joke -
    
    		How many male chauvinists does it take to 
    		screw in a light bulb?
    
    
    
    
    		NONE!  Let the woman cook in the dark!
    
    
    Live from Charger Central.......Glenn

    
    
    Another PeeWee joke ........
    
    
    Heard about the new PeeWee sandwich ? That's right, it's a REUBEN .....
    
    
    Hold the pickle.
    
    ((:^))
    
    - acp

    Sow your wild oats on Saturday Night...
    
    Then on Sunday, pray for crop failure!!!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

There are four old golfers in Ayrshire Scotland, who have played every Sunday 
morning since they were youngsters.

Alas, old Tam dies at the start of the week and is buried by the Friday.

So, the three remaining are playing the following Sunday and are just talking 
about old Tam when his voice is heard - "how are you doing boys' enjoying
your game".

One of the tree returns , "Old Tam how is life treating you" ?

Old Tam says "Things are great, I get up in the morning, go for a few holes of
golf then come home and make love to some young thing". "Then I go out again for
a few more holes,come home and make love again". Finally I go for a few 
holes at night ,come home and make love again". "I've being doing this every day
since I died".

One of the three says " It must be great then being in heaven"

Old Tam replies .......................



"I'm not in Heaven .. I'm a rabbit down at Turnberry !!"


    

    PeeWee Herman is in the hospital in critical condition!!!!
    
    He had a MASSIVE STROKE!!!!!!!!!!!
    
    PeeWee Herman also gave an interview recently.  When asked his favorite
    3 songs, he replied:
    
    "I Touch Myself", by the Divinyls
    
    "Imaginary Lover", by Atlanta Rythm Section
    and
    
    "Rosie", by Jackson Browne
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Did you hear what Jeffrey Dahmer said to the cops when they came
    to his door to bust him?
    
    "Have a heart."

    Investigators discovered that Dahmer had signed a lease for a larger
    apartment just prior to being arrested...
    
    ... he said he'd run out of elbow room.

    Know why Jeffery Dahmer didn't buy lettuce when he went grocery
    shopping?
    
    
    He already had two heads in the fridge...
    
    

       Eddie Anvilhaid had Sherm Feller (Sox PA announcer) on his show
    Friday. They were talking about the 'old daze'. Sherm was telling Eddie
    about a talk show he used to co-host with Johnnie Most. Musta been 80
    or 90 years ago I figure. Anyway, Sherm says he's arguing with Johnnie
    about who wa better Willie Mays or Mickey Mantle. 
    Sherm: Mickey was a great all around player.
    Most: Yeah but Willie could do even more.
    Sherm: IT's a good thing you weren't around when Lincoln was alive!
    Most: (Sherm in his best JM voice) What do ya mean making a crack like
          that!
    Sherm: Well, Lincoln always said: "If I ever meet anyone uglier than
           myself, I'd have to shoot him!!"
                                          Denny

SUBJECT:  TRAVEL POLICY-EFFECTIVE OCTOBER 1  Due to budget constraints, the 
following corporate policies have been established regarding employees traveling
on official business.

TRANSPORTATION

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is the preferred choice.  
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their 
departure on company business trips.  Bus transportation will be used whenever 
hichhiking is not possible.  

LODGING

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives, friends, or mere 
acquaintances while on company business.  If weather permits, public areas such 
as parks, roadside rests and parking lots should be used for temporary lodging 
sites.  Bridges and tunnels may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

MEALS

Expenditures for meals wil be limited to the absolute minimum.  It should be 
noted that certain grocery chains, such as Randalls, often provide free samples 
of promotional items.  Entire meals can often be consumed in this manner.  
Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other 
protein sources available at their destination.  If restaurants MUST be 
utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad 
bars.  This will be especially cost effective to employees traveling together, 
as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group.  Employees are also 
encouraged to bring their own food while on company business.  Cans of tuna 
fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without 
the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

ENTERTAINMENT

Entertainment while on travel is strictly discouraged.  If such extravagances 
are required on customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up 
the tab".  Such action will save company money and also convince the customer 
that we are concerned about spending money on providing a good product - not 
on useless frivolities.  The hospitality provided to our customers who visit our 
facility shall also be tasteful, yet cost effective.  In lieu of extravagant 
dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near the dumpster and 
a garden hose will be made available so hat liquid refreshments can be provided 
for our guests.

       Dupont?!! I got that memo the other day. That's now DEC policy !
                                  Denny

    
    >>                    -< It's in the ORANGEBOOK now >-

    >>   Dupont?!! I got that memo the other day. That's now DEC policy !
    >>                              Denny
    
    Hell, I'll vouch for that.  They MADE me fly to Clevescum and hitchhike
    from there to Colorado Springs.  Took 40 showers the firsted night just
    to try and get rid of the Clevescum Stench!!!(8^(*
    
    DIH
    
    JaKe
    

       That must be why none a the wimmyn would stop and pick you up, eh
    Jake!
                                      Denny  ;^o
    

One of the guys on the team is a teacher, and Wednesday night was PTO
night, where all the new parents come in to the school to meet the
teachers of their children.

He overheard this story.  One set of parents were voicing their concerns
to another set of parents, about their son, a somewhat nervous, shy
quiet and reserved lad, making the transition from 8th grade in Middle
School to being a freshman in High School.

At the dinner table after the first day of school there was a strained
silence, and finally the mother asked her son how the first day
of school had gone...

"Oh," he replied "I had sex with me English teacher."

Well, his mother almost fainted outright, and the rest of the meal
continued with the aforementioned strained silence.

After dinner, the son went immediately to his room.

Later in the evening, his father snuck up the back stairs and into
his son's room.

"So, you had sex with your English teacher, eh?"

"Yes sir," replied the son

"HOORAY...HOORAY FOR YOU!" shouted the father as he danced a jig
in the room.

"I'm so proud of you son.  In fact, remember the mountain bike I 
promised to buy you if you did well this first term?  Well, I'm 
so proud of you I'm going out to buy it for you TOMORROW!
What do you think of that????"


"Well, Dad," replied the son, "I'd love it except that


	My ass is still *awfully* sore from my English teacher!"

    From the morning show on WIXX (Green Bay rock station) -
    
    	"Why won't the NFL let Milwaukee have a pro football team?"
    
    	"Because then Green Bay would want one also!"
    
    	- Green Bay resident, commenting on the Packer's performance and
    	the fact that half of the Packer "home" games are played in
    	Milwaukee.

    Waht does Judge Clarence Thomas and the L.A Lakers' fans have in
    common????
    
    
    They both brag about their "Magic Johnsons"!!!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    
     HO HO HO  !!!!   I'm Howling ......
    
     Hope I remember that for tonight get together !!
    
    Big Game

    Judge Clarence Thomas just had a customized doorbell installed,
    
    It has a short "ding" and a long dong.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    I was sitting in traffic tonite and something hit me that I gots to
    share with younze guys.
    
    Ya see, somewhere down the line, another pornography case is going to
    come before the Supreme Court.
    
    I can see it now, the Justices take the "tape" in question, and decide
    to "view" it in private chambers so they can formulate their opinion on
    it.   They'll be sitting there with their pizza and brewskis, and
    suddenly Clarence Thomas will blurt out,"Hey Sandy, you think he's big,
    compared to me he ain't nuthin'!!!  Ya wanna see something REALLY
    big?????"
    
    (8^)*   (8^0*
    
    JaKe
    
    

Jake,

They had a funny sight gag on SNL this weekend along similar lines.
They had a photo of the Justices all lined up.  Thomas was at one
end, Sandra O'Connor at the other.  A dotted line ran from Thomas'
eyes to O'Connor's ankles.

Kevin Nealon said "AFter signing his oath of office, Thomas sizes up
his fellow justices"

I was rolling!


'Saw

    Jake !!
    
    Tooooooo  Funny !!!  I am Rollward !!
    
    Big Game

 
Here's a good-sized list of the Deep Thoughts on SNL.  All of the following
are the exact quotes.  Mods,if this has been posted already please feel 
free to delete it.
 
 
 
Deep Thoughts
-------------
 
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
 
Mabye in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 
"Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
 
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't 
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
 
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
 
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and 
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I Helped Skin Bob."
 
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they 
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
 
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
 
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
 
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
 
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
 
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming 
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a 
coward.
 
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
 
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever 
press charges.
 
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and 
the dancers hit each other.
 
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid
gold baby? Mabye we'll never know.
 
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them 
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
 
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
 
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To
make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending like he's 
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
 
*Also*, here are some I remember but don't have the exact text for. These are my
guesses:
 
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I guess it goes back 
to the time we went to the circus and a clown killed my Dad.
 
As I bit into the sweet, tangy nectarine, and tasted the juices running down my 
chin, I looked down, and realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a 
HUMAN HEAD!
 
You know, some white coral, painted brown, and attached to the skull with some 
common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
 
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

I don't think spontaneous urination should be grounds for disqualification at
weightlifting meets.
    

    
    Re: .last 
    
    Hahahahaha!
    
    
    
    Cath  

    re .248
    
    Glad I could be there for you, Cath.
    

    
    RE: -1 
            Hey Chap, I hear she did find a date. She got some guy outta
           federal witness relocation program. Nice guy I hear.....
    
           Melster

    
	That's good to know Melster, afterall, we wouldn't want Cath
running up huge phone bills on that 1-900-HUNKS line.

Chap 

>	That's good to know Melster, afterall, we wouldn't want Cath
>running up huge phone bills on that 1-900-HUNKS line.

1-900-HUNKS is no fun.

You gotta call the one Van Halen talks about -- 1-900-SPANK-ME.....

< Note 20.253 by CAM::WAY "If it's no' Scottish it's CRAP!" >


1-900-HUNKS is no fun.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

'Saw, it might not be much fun, but with the current state of the 
Massachusetts economy, I've got to pick up a few extra bucks any way
I can.  Besides, some of the ladies I've talked  with actually sound
pretty interesting.

Chap

>'Saw, it might not be much fun, but with the current state of the 
>Massachusetts economy, I've got to pick up a few extra bucks any way
>I can.  Besides, some of the ladies I've talked  with actually sound
>pretty interesting.

Need some part time help?

< Note 20.255 by CAM::WAY "If it's no' Scottish it's CRAP!" >


>> Need some part time help? 
		
	Sure, you can start the Harfa Hunks Hotline (HHH)

    
    re .250
    
    Nope, Chap, I haven't, contrary to what that pinhaid Mel says.
    
    Yo, Mel, go back ta bein' a RON.  I get enuff crapola from you as it
    is!
    
    Still hung up on that spank line, eh 'Saw?    8-)
    
    
    
    Cath
    

    What is this:
    
    "Good morning, sir,  Good morning, Sir,  Good morning, Sir, 
    Yo Baby, nice t_ts,  Good morning, Sir,  Good morning, Sir,  Good
    morning, Sir,  Good Morning, Sir."  ???????
    
    
    
    
    Clarence Thomas showing up for his first day on the Supreme Court.
    
    JaKe                             
    
                                               

    Jeeze, and I thought it was james worthy!
    

    What do you call a BLONDE who screws the complete Cincinnati Bengals
    team???????
    
    
    Boomer
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    WATCH OUT, GUYS, ALL MEN ARE NOW ILLEGAL
    reprinted without permission for The Pittsburgh Press, 6-23-1991
    
    by Dave Barry


        Ask yourself this question:  Are you a guy of the male gender? 
    If so, I advise you to report to prison immediately, because you
    are violating a federal law.

        I base this statement on a letter I got from alert reader
    Richard Watkins, M.D., who sent me a shocking medical document
    concerning the federal Anabolic Steroids Control Act.  Steroids,
    as you know, are substances that some guys put in their bodies in
    an effort to develop bulging, rippling, sharply defined muscles
    like the ones Michael Keaton wore in "Batman."  This is foolish,
    because women are not attracted to rippling, sharply defined
    muscles.  Women prefer a type of male physique that is known, in
    body-building circles, as: "the newspaper columnist."  This is a
    softer, more-rounded, aerodynamic shape, similar to the one used
    in the popular Ford Taurus station wagon.  This physique has
    inspired a whole line of mature-guy casual pants, which go by the
    name "Dockers" because it was not considered a shrewd marketing
    move to come right out and call them "Pants For The Bigger-Butted
    Man."

        But back to steroids:  They have bad side effects, although it
    took medical researchers many years to discover this.  They'd get
    a bunch of steroid users together and say, "OK, anybody having bad
    side effects, raise your hand!"  The steroid users would strain
    and grunt like water buffaloes in labor, but due to their extreme
    muscularity they couldn't raise their hands above their waists. 
    Many of them must press elevator buttons with their foreheads

        The result was that medical researchers had no idea what kinds
    of problems steroids were causing until one day when they happened
    to ask for oral responses.  Then they discovered the awful truth: 
    Steroids can cause men to develop *thick Austrian accents.*  This
    is what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was actually born
    and raised in Topeka, Kan., and spoke like a regular American
    until he used steroids to build his body up to the point where he
    was legally classified by the US Census Bureau as "construction
    equipment."

        Today, of course, Arnold is a steroid-free person with a
    successful career as a versatile film actor who has played a
    variety of roles, ranging from a large man with a thick Austrian
    accent who throws bad guys off apartment roofs, to a large man
    with a thick Austrian accent who throws bad guys off *hotel
    roofs.*  He's also an active Republican and was recently appointed
    chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness in a
    moving Rose Garden ceremony that culminated in Arnold trowing Sen.
    Edward Kennedy off the White House roof.

        So anyway, the government is cracking down on steroids.  I
    thought this was a fine idea until I got Dr. Watkins' letter,
    which is written on a hospital physical-examination form, in the
    section headed "Chief Compaaint and Present Illness."

        "Here I am," Dr. Watkins writes, "sitting around in my doctor
    suit waiting for an emergency to happen, and suddenly I get a
    memo:  *On Feb. 27, 1991, testosterone was declared a controlled
    substance, like heroin."*

        My immediate reaction was to think that Dr. Watkins had been
    wearing his stethoscope way too tight.  But it turns out he's
    telling the absolute truth.  With his letter, he enclosed a
    document from the Group Health Cooperative of Puget Sound, listing
    various types of anabolic steroids now controlled by the federal
    government, and *testosterone* is on the list.  I swear I am not
    making this up.

        This is a big problem, because *many* guys, including several
    known Supreme Court members, are walking around with testosterone
    in their, um, possession.

        They can't help it.  As Dr. Watkins put it, in medical term-
    inology, testosternone is "a substance exuded by your you-know organs, 
    herein-after your Ralphs."

        In small quantities, testosterone produces only mild side
    effects, such as the inablility to stop pressing the channel-chang-
    ing button on the TV remote control. But at higher levels, testos-
    terone causes destructive male behavior, the two most terrible kinds 
    being:
    	1. War
    	2. Do-it-yourself projects.

        It's a well-known fact that a male with even a moderate testos-
    terone level would rather drill a hole in his hand (which he prob-
    ably will) than admit, especially to his spouse, that he cannot do 
    something himself.  Put an ordinary male on the Space Shuttle, and 
    within minutes he'll be telling his spouse that by God he'll repair 
    the retro thruster modules, because if you call in NASA they'll just 
    charge you an arm and a leg.  I personally have destroyed numerous 
    perfectly good rooms by undertaking frenzied testosterone-induced 
    efforts to fix them up despite the fact that I have the manual dex-
    terity of an oyster.  Hundreds of years from now, archeologists 
    will look at my home-improvement projects and say, "This civiliza-
    tion was apparently wiped out by a terrible natural disaster in-
    volving spackle."

        So we see that the criminalization of testosterone is a good
    thing.  I'm not sure how the authorities will enforce this law,
    but I imagine  they'll start by arresting those with obviously
    excessive testosterone levels, such as Warren Beatty, the National
    Hockey Leaugue, Bluto and Phyllis Schlafly.

        Eventually all of us guys will be arrested and placed in a
    rehabilitation program (motto: "Just Say No To Ralph") and they
    won't let us out until we pass a strict test wherein we have to
    hold a TV remote control in our hands and watch one show for
    *three consecutive minutes.*

    
    JaKe
    

                John C Dvorak's Great Operating System Quiz
                     {PC Magazine Sept 24, 1991 }

    Finding the right operating system is as simple as ordering a pizza
    and  answering some easy questions. 

    In the months (and perhaps years) ahead, many of us will be
    confronted by  a decision: What operating system to choose? DOS?
    Unix? DOS with windows?

    As I watch more and more users choose sides, it's apparent that there
    are aspects of individual personalities that work into the decision. 
    So I did some arduous research to develop one of my famous tests to
    help people determine which operating system is best for them. I
    examine a combination of both computing needs and personal habits. 
    Circle either the DOS, OS/2, W (for Windows), or Unix choice next to
    your favorite answer. Count up the number of answers for each choice. 
    Whichever one dominates should be the right operating system for you. 
    If there is a mismatch of answers, then you should probably wait a year.

    Dvorak's Operating System Quiz

    1. What application do you expect to use the most?
     DOS) spreadsheet
    OS/2) large complex database
       W) solitaire
    Unix) GREP

    2. What is your favorite TV show?
     DOS) "Nova"
    OS/2) "The MacNeil-Lehrer Report"
       W) Woody Woodpecker
    Unix) The 3 A.M. test pattern

    3. What is your favorite hobby?
     DOS) stamp collecting
    OS/2) bird watching
       W) snail racing
    Unix) button collecting

    4. What kind of clothes do you prefer?
     DOS) sports suit, no tie.
    OS/2) suit and tie.
       W) sweater and jeans.
    Unix) Nerdy T-shirt, jeans, and no underpants.

    5. What kind of music do you like?
     DOS) The Beatles
    OS/2) classical
       W) New Age fusion music
    Unix) tuba solos

    6. What's your favorite color?
     DOS) modern beige
    OS/2) blue
       W) stark white
    Unix) pizza-stain red

    7. What's your favorite car?
     DOS) Ford
    OS/2) Lexus
       W) fake Bugatti
    Unix) Borgward

    8. Who is your favorite artist?
     DOS) Rembrandt
    OS/2) Pollack
       W) Dali
    Unix) Gary Larsen

    9. Who is your favorite author?
     DOS) Robert Heinlein
    OS/2) Tom Wolfe
       W) John Madden
    Unix) Walt Disney

    10. Who is your favorite actor?
     DOS) Rod Steiger
    OS/2) John Wayne
       W) Leonard Nimoy
    Unix) Richard Simmons

    11. Who was your favorite president?
     DOS) Abe Lincoln
    OS/2) Ronald Reagan
       W) Jack Kennedy
    Unix) Hubert Humphrey

    12. What's your preferred breakfast food?
     DOS) cereal
    OS/2) steak and eggs
       W) softboiled egg 
    Unix) pizza

    13. If time wasn't important, how would you prefer to travel?
     DOS) walk
    OS/2) steam train
       W) hot air balloon
    Unix) pogo stick

    14. (to be answered by men) If you were stuck on a desert island
        with only one woman, whom would you choose?
     DOS) Kim Basinger
    OS/2) Meryl Streep
       W) Dr. Ruth Westheimer
    Unix) a photo of Kim Basinger

    15. (to be answered by women) If you were stuck on a desert island
        with only one man, whom would you choose?
     DOS) Kevin Costner
    OS/2) Arnold Schwarzenegger
       W) Bill Gates
    Unix) a photo of Kim Basinger

    16. When you get up in the morning, what is the first thing you do?
     DOS) shower
    OS/2) brush teeth
       W) gargle
    Unix) pick off food stuck to body from sleeping with pizza

    17. What's the last thing you do before going to bed?
     DOS) let out cat, turn off lights
    OS/2) brush teeth
       W) pray
    Unix) check to see if there is a pizza in the bed 


    Tally your score and don't waste a minute finding pleasure in the
    operating system that suits you best.  One disclaimer I have to make: 
    Anyone scoring  17 straight "Unix" answers should seek counseling
    immediately.

	``You want my wife's recipe for potato pancakes?'' Slats Grobnik
asked. ``And the chicken soup with noodles? Or the meatloaf with lots of
oatmeal mixed in it? And macaroni and cheese?''
	What has brought on this outburst of culinary interest?
	``Gettin' ready. And if you're smart, you will, too. Buy a few sacks
of potatoes and onions. Stash 'em away in a cool place. Keep the grater
handy.''
	What are you planning, a pancake party?
	``Boy, you got a short memory. Didja eat potato pancakes when we were
kids?''
	Sure, at least once a week.
	``And the chicken soup with vegetables and noodles?''
	Of course. And the meatloaf with lots of oatmeal. And the macaroni
and cheese. So what?
	``So how come?''
	How come what?
	``How come you ate potato pancakes once a week?''
	What a stupid question. Because we liked potato pancakes, that's why.
And chicken soup with noodles. And meatloaf with lots of oatmeal mixed
in it.
	``Because you liked it, huh?''
	That's what I said.
	``You're senile.''
	I don't have to sit here and take this. There's a stool open at the
end of the bar.
	``Listen, you ate potato pancakes once a week, and the rest of that
stuff, because it was Depression food. You could feed everybody in the
house on potato pancakes for a buck-two-ninety-eight.''
	Yes, I suppose the economy was a factor.
	``You bet it was. And that's why I'm getting ready. I already got
enough potatoes and onions in my basement to last until the year 2000.''
	Don't you think you're overreacting?
	``And Velveeta. If you're smart you'll buy stock in Velveeta. By next
year, nobody is going to be eatin' brie. Even the yuppies will be eatin'
Velveeta. It sticks to your ribs. And to your lips and teeth and tongue,
too. And you can use it for making dough bait.''
	Dough bait?
	``Yeah, mix the Velveeta with cotton, put it on a hook, and you can
catch a carp. People ate carp in the Depression. I remember my old man
bringing a big live carp home and letting it swim in the bathtub for two
days before we ate it. He said that cleaned it up.''
	Two days? How could the family use the tub?
	``He caught it on a Sunday, and we didn't need the tub until the next
Saturday. So remember to get some cotton for your dough bait.''
	I really think you are taking too pessimistic a view. Why, just the
other day, interest rates were once again lowered to stimulate the
economy, encourage businesses to borrow and expand, and consumers to
buy.
	``I don't care about the interest rates. I pay hard cash for my
Velveeta. And all those boxes of shotgun shells, too.''
	You are buying shotgun shells? Are you planning on stalking your own
game?
	``No, I want to be ready to protect my potatoes and onions and
Velveeta.''
	From whom?
	``Listen, this ain't gonna be like the last Depression, where people
helped each other out. We're gonna have looters and gangs roamin' the
streets, lookin' to steal somebody's potatoes and Velveeta. And when
they show up on my block, I'll stick the shotgun out the window and blow
'em away.''
	You would shoot them over Velveeta?
	``When it comes to defending his grilled cheese sandwiches, a man's
gotta do what a man's gotta do.''
	Try to calm down. Remember, this isn't the 1930s. We now have all
sorts of social safety nets. And President Bush and Congress will surely
do something to fine-tune the economy.
	``You ever drive a truck?''
	At one time, yes.
	``You ever jump out and try to fine-tune it when it was going
downhill on a curvy road?''
	Of course not. You would be run over.
	``Yeah, well that's what fine-tuning this economy is gonna be like.
They can't fine-tune it because they don't know how to make it stop long
enough to figure out what to do. Rostenkowski says that maybe Congress
should mug a few fat cats. Bush wants less juice on credit cards so we
can go deeper in hock. Quayle says the recession is over. I guess his
father must have sent the allowance check early. Nah, they're just
sitting in the truck going downhill, hanging on to the steering wheel,
and hoping the brakes don't blow.''
	Well, maybe Mario Cuomo will enter the race, win, and become a
modern-day Roosevelt, bringing the country back from a Depression.
	``Yeah, and remember how Roosevelt did that?''
	By introducing social and economic reforms.
	``Nah, we went to war with Japan.''
	You know, I wouldn't mind having your meatloaf recipe after all.
	
	(C) 1991 BY THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
 
    
    
    JaKe
    

    The new cereal for impotent men...
    
    Nut & Raisin Honey

    Just heard that the magician David Copperfield has AIDS, 
    says he got it from
    
    Too much playing with Magic!!!
    
    Beau Coup (8^)*'s
    
    JaKe
    

    Ted Turner takes B & W movies and colorizes them, so I'll censor the
    old .271 and call it "moderatorized", as in fitting the moderator's
    likes!!        (many (8^)*'s)
    
    What's the similarity between _______ _______ and a Turkey???
    
    The both ______, they both got _______, and
    
    They both were ____ by ____________.
    
    JaKe
    

Jake, 

That's funnier than the original....

'Saw

    hey !!
    
     Did ya hear they canceled all nativity scenes in Washington D.C.
    
    
    
    Yea,  they couldn't find 3 Wise Men or a Virgin
    
    HTH
    
    BG

hahahhahhaaaaaaaaaaa best laugh in a while Jack...thanks...

 
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his 
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
 
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make 
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
 
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm 
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When 
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the 
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
 
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right
back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
 
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the 
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
 
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll 
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
 
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet 
you can really see it in those genitals.
 
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what 
is that thing ?
 
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made 
a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegr-
ated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some 
people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 
"I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
 
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I 
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive 
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees 
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat 
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never 
leave you.
 
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell 
him is "Probably because of something you did."
 
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is 
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an 
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
 
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said 
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her 
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke 
- just to get out of writing a letter.
 
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my 
little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out 
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, 
but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started 
to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
                    
 If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked 
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's
Hambone.
 
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her 
dinner tasted like.
 
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't
be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in 
town.
 
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
 
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought 
back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named 
him Flint.
 
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real emb-
arrassing if someone tries to kill you.
 
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then 
it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
 
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are 
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swim-
ming.
 
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
 
 
    

    Hey, who let Mort Sahl into Tommy's account?
    
    Time for Psych Dr. to lie himself on the couch!
    Shroomism
    
    Mikel
    

    
     Actually, I can't take credit for those. They're from SNL.

    
    So...
    
     Theres three girls in the sixth grade.  One blond, one red head and
    one brunett.  Which one has the bes body ? (for Byrdie)
    
    The Blond.....
    
    She's 17 !!   ;^)
    
    BG

re .280
        
    That's B-r-y-d-i-e not B-y-r-d-i-e.
    
    [isfh]
    

     What ever...  Sorry...
    
    BG

    How many Clemson football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
    
    Seven.  And they all get three credits for it. :-)

What does AUBURN stand for?

Alabama Usually Beats Us Red Necks

    
    	Do you know what they consider safe sex at the U. of
    	Nebraska?
    
	When the cows don't kick! :*)
    
    	Claybone

       I heard there's no such thing as Sexual Harrassment in
    Tennessee...
    Everybody's a Volunteer!
                                  Denny

    Didja hear the one about the guy who'se wife said to him,
    
    
    
    "Honey, put your glasses on.  That's the carpet you're eating"
    
    
    Kev
    

    A friend of mine reports for the local newspaper and covers the night
    cop action. Yesterday 2 ministers were at the driving range and 1
    was hit by a bullet in the hip. Locals may have heard about it. 
    No suspects or motives are apparent. It seems he'll be ok. 
    My friend's idea a headline for the story........
    
    Sniper Attacks Twosome. Gets Hole in One.
    
    BoB

    What's the difference between Cheerios and Notre Dame?
    
    Cheerios belongs in a bowl.

    Mac,
    Heard something similar. What does Sweet and Low and Notre Dame have
    in common?  
    Neither belong in a Sugar Bowl.
    Well, I'll agree. Just this one time.
    
    MikeL
    
    

       Get me a rag,  my screen has barf all over it!!!!
    
    
    
    
       Good one Jake!

    
     S I C K,  S I C K,  S I C K !!!!!
    
    Big Game Hunta 

    re.294
    
    Why thank you, At least I know it got thru to ya.
    
    JaKe
    

Not quite sports-related enough for me.  And absolutely inappropriate for 2000
people.  So I'll play bad moderator this time.

j.

    What do you mean not "sports" related!!  I take it YOU don't go
    fishing.
    
    Or May I have offended a NAWP(National Association of Wormy People)
    member?????
    
    Anybody wants the joke, send me mail.
    
    
    (8^)*
    
    JaKe
    \

    Sheez, younze mud-rater types are slipping, you left that joke in here
    for almost 5 full hours.  
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Seems these two Donks fans decided to get an early start on hitch
    hiking to Buffalo for the AFC Championship game.
    
    While hitch-hiking thru Ohio, a guy in a pick-up truck picked them up
    but told them they had to ride in the back.  They had no problem with
    that.  Well, the Ohioan had stopped at the bar after work and downed 15
    or 20 beers, so he was having trouble seeing the road.  Ne missed a
    bend and the truck plunged into a 20 foot deep pond and immediately
    sank.
    The driver got out of the truck and swam to safety, but the Donk fans
    both died
    
    Seems they couldn't get the tailgate open!!!!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    Another Donk fan was hitchhiking towards Buffalo and also got a ride in
    a pickup truck, but got to sit in the front.  The Owner was carrying a
    load of trash in the bed.  Seems that the wind was blowing the trash
    out in bits and pieces and before long, the truck was pulled over by
    the police.  The policeman explained that if the guy didn't do
    something to keep the trash in,. he would be fined $1000 for littering.
    
    The truck owner then asked the Donk fan to pay for his ride by laying
    in the bed of the truck on top of the trash so it souldn't fly out ontt
    the road.
    
    The Donk fan agreed.
    
    A few miles up the road, the pickup went under an overpass, where there
    were two pedestrians walking on.
    one turned to the other and said, "Look at that, 
    
    
    Somebody went and threw out a perfectly good Donk fan!!!!"

JaKe

    Two really stupid jokes JaKe...  You're the one whos slippin !!
    
    BGH

    Touchy, touchy there, Jeff.  Please keep in mind that JaKe warned all,
    put in a form feed, and that the joke was sports related (fishing). 
    He was being very conscientious.

    Personally, I don't understand why it was set hidden.  Being grossed
    out is relative to one's perception.  Is there a policy against
    offending those with thin stomachs?  Oh, sorry, didn't mean to offend
    the intestinally disadvantaged.

    	--dan'l

    
>>And the fact that Jake just put it in to time the moderators is really irksome.
    
    Jeff, I didn't put the damned thing in to "time the moderators", I put
    the 5 hour reply in to bust your britches.
    
>>get something somewhat resembling sports, not a sick joke which isn't funny, is
                                                  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    Merely your opinion, Jeff.  I sent it to quite a few who thunk it
    hilarious.
    
    I saw tha joke as slightly gross, but in no way offensive to any
    "group" of people, as I offended back a few years ago.  I don't get in
    here to "offend" anybody, time moderators on their speed of setting
    something hidden, or to use this as "my personal sandbox".  
    
    Go have a few brews, send me the bill, and lighten up.
    
    JaKe
    

    
    >>Do this go for anyone/everyone?
    
    >>Ah, nevermind.  You got a wifey, kiddies, mortgage, and whatever, and I
    >>don't wanna drink ya in a hole...  :-)
    
    No way Kwawk, just for Jeff.  Sounds like he needs a brew or two.
    
    JaKe
    

    I think Jeff's doing the right thing.  The joke might not be offensive
    to everyone but it was still vulgar and therefore inappropriate.  Let's 
    give these guys a break.  The policies aren't too difficult to understand.
    
    glenn
    

    I'm glad Jeff did it too do to your dry humor about the hitch hiking
    donk fans...serves ya right JiK!!

    He didn't nail the hitch-hiking Donk fan stories.  Come to think of it,
    those are probably TRUE stories!!!!!
    
    JaKe

    Why thank you, Jeff.  It means so much more coming from you!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    
    	<sniff> My feelings have been hurt!
    
    	Claybroon

    Needle...  You're gettin on my nerves...  ;^)
    
    Big Game Hunta !!
    
    

    Actually the Donk fan in the trash was just a bit off. A bunch
    of Donk fans threw him in the back with the trash after he started
    bitchin and whining.  "Oh I don't want to see the Broncos go to another SB
    only to see them loose soooo badly"  He's outta here!
    
    BoB

    
    Hey, I found a flaw in the joke(true story) about the Donk fan and the
    trash:
    
    
    >>Somebody went and threw out a perfectly good Donk fan!!!!"
    
    There is no such thing as "a perfectly good Donk fan!!!!!"
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Oh well, Kev, Life's a bitch and then ya marry one!!!
    
    (8^)*
    
    JaKe
    

    
     When was the last time Jake got to cheer for a winning Squeelers
    team...  ???   Quite some time ago,  I guess !!
    
    Big Game Hunta 

>     When was the last time Jake got to cheer for a winning Squeelers
>    team...  ???   Quite some time ago,  I guess !!
    
    Boy, Big Pain, your sports knowledge, or lack thereof, shows more and
    more every day.  The Steelers were 9-7 in '89 and '90.
    
    Stick to questions about female ducks.
    
    	--dan'l
    

    
    Jam It dan'l...
    
     What I ment by Winning team (and I'll take the rap for not being
    specific) was one that makes to the playoffs and beyond.  You're
    a Jerk !!
    
    

    
    1989-90, Steelers went to the playoffs.
    
    Care to try more?  Sheesh, you serve up fat ones that are easier to hit
    out of the park than ACChris's.
    
    	--dan'l

    And Got Blasted !!!!
    
    HTH !!
    
     

    
    > And Got Blasted !!!!
    
    Actually beat the Oilers, and then lost a squeaker to your very own
    Broncos in a game you've apparently forgotten.  Strike three, 'Game!
    
    glenn
    

      just to think I thought some of you guys were ok,  but now I'm having
    my doubts.....
    
    	Tim

    ...and does anyone know the fate of the Donks after that Playoff win
    over the Steelers?
                                         Denny
    

    re -.1
    
    Lemme guess, something Little'n'Lame said a few notes
    back
    
    something about "And Got Blasted"!!!!!!
    
    When was the lasted time Mr Little'n'Lame Hunted got to cheer for the
    Donks being on the winning end of a SB????
    
    JaKe
    

>    ...and does anyone know the fate of the Donks after that Playoff win
>    over the Steelers?
    
    Needed luck to get by Cleveland.  Needed a plane crash to get by the
    49er's.
    
    Funny how the mods haven't moved things in here.  They too must think
    Big Pain is a joke.
    
    	--dan'l
    

>    Funny how the mods haven't moved things in here.  They too must think
>    Big Pain is a joke.
    
Just haven't gotten to it.

We're having some pretty bad network hardware problems here in BMF, so
I've barely been able to read this file or get any work done (keep
getting dumped off cam)....


'Saw

PS  Please keep to to JOKES, folks...and sports related ones at that....    

    ok, this is sports related.
    
    What do hockey players have that's long and hard?
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    		3rd grade!
    
    ta boomp!
    
    Kev
    ;^)
    

>                   -< I suppose it applies to ruggers too? >-

Nope.

Look at the number of ruggers that are high level execs, lawyers and
engineers and things like that.....


'Saw

Overheard this joke at lunch.  Cannot for the life of me understand it,
so I hope those that do find it funny......




	What do you get when you cross Cam Neely and Andy Moog?



	A whine and cheese party.



I'm open to any and all explanations.  I figured that whine was spelled
whine and not wine.....



'Saw

    Possible explanation:
    
    
    Wine = whine insinuating that Cam is a crybaby
    
    Cheese as in Swiss Cheese (you know, the one with the holes) as in Moog
    tends goal like a piece of Swiss cheese.
    
    The reason you didn't think it was funny 'Saw, is that you are a closet
    Broons fan.

>    
>    Wine = whine insinuating that Cam is a crybaby
>    
>    Cheese as in Swiss Cheese (you know, the one with the holes) as in Moog
>    tends goal like a piece of Swiss cheese.
>    
>    The reason you didn't think it was funny 'Saw, is that you are a closet
>    Broons fan.


I didn't even understand it!  It was a bunch of guys at a decidedly 
anti-Broons table.

Now that I get it, I think it's hysterical!!!!


'Saw

    What're the best 4 years of a Clevelandite's life????
    
    6th grade
    
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Careful JaKe, you might become a puppet... don't want that...

>           -< I would like to see a pic of you with the Blount look >-
>
>    Careful JaKe, you might become a puppet... don't want that...

A Jake puppet...that's too funny.  Would the Jake puppet have a real
working solar panel?  I mean, if you had the puppet out in the sun, would
it power up so that it still worked when the sun went down?


As George Bush would say:

	Jake, a puppet?  Bad, bad.  Would not be prudent at this juncture...


'Saw

    I would have thought it'd be more like..
    
    Ya got your JaKe puppet there, VERYSCARYVERYSCARY... not gonna do it...
    
    

    Geeeeeez, I'll tell ya, 
    
    some peoples kids. eh???
                            
    BTW, if the wife EVER succeeds in getting me to take on the Mel Blount
    look, I'll supply pictures provided everybody promises not to laugh too
    hard, split something, then sue me!!
    
    (8^)*
    
    JaKe
    

    Heard that Bernice Kosar and Kevin Mack went up to see the Super Bowl.
    Early in the week, they decided to go ice fishing.  They rented a bunch
    of equipment.  They got out on the ice, and prepared to start their
    rented gas-powered 10" ice auger, when this voice booms from above,
    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!"
    
    They look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and again try to start
    the auger, again the voice booms, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!"
    
    Kosar looks around and sees no one, then yells, "IS THAT YOU GOD
    TELLING US THAT THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE?????"
    
    The voice booms back, "NO,
    
    I OWN THIS SKATING RINK!!!!!!!!!!"
    
    JaKe
    
    

    Potential titles for David Duke's new radio talk show:
    
    
    - Master Race Theater
    - Checking Under the Hood
    - Klan We Talk?
    - Krossfire
    - Ask Mr. Wizard
    - Between the Sheets
    - Guten Morgen, Amerika
    - Burning Issues
    - Out to Lynch with David Duke
    - A New Klan of Worms
    - Eugenically Speaking
    - Whiter Than Bright
    - Duke it Out
    - Profiles in Sewage

    
    	Jake,
    		That was real cute.
    
    		Hal

    Aw Hal, you're just sore because the joke was originally
    about a Dawgs fan from Cleveland!
    
    ;^)
    
    Kev
    

    
    Didn't know where else to put this, but here seems appropriate.
    
    One of the prospective jurors in the Mike Tyson rape trial stated that
    his heroes are Richard Nixon and Bobby Knight and that Pete Rose is
    being railroaded by the media.  The man made the jury...
    
    glenn
     

    From the Sporting News 1/27/92 :
    
    "Jack Lambert...said that LA disgusted him. 
    
    'A girl at a bar ask me what sign I am,' he said. 'I told her, 'Feces.'
    She said, 'Oh wow.' "
    .
    .
    .
    "Don Meredith said that Tom Landry was such a perfectionist he'd also
    want Racquel Welch to cook."
    
    

    
    HOw may surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    
    
    
    
    FISH!

    
     You musta pulled that one outts the archives, JD...  I heard
    that one a year ago...  ;^)
    
    BG

    Don't know if this is old or not, but it is sports-related:

    A reporter went out to an Indian reservation to do a story on the local
    tribe.  He wanted to get the real feel for the tribe's culture so
    he asked the chief if he could live on the reservation for a while. 
    The chief agreed, but said that the only space available was in his
    daughter's tepee if the reporter didn't mind.  He didn't.

    Later that night after a few tokes off the peace pipe and some whiskey,
    the reporter made his way to the daughter's tepee.  There he found a
    very beautiful girl and they hit it off quite well.  They began
    to...um...er...promote the species, shall we say.  

    They did it the whole night long, during which the young girl
    repeatedly screamed "Wanna Mo!  Wanna Mo!"  The reporter was so proud
    that he could bring this girl to such ecstasy.

    In the morning, he met with the chief who wanted to show the reporter
    his knowledge of the white culture, so they went golfing.  On the very
    first hole, the chief teed off a long drive that bounced twice on the
    green and went right in the cup.  A hole in one!

    The reporter, eager to show his knowledge of the Indian culture jumped
    up and down and screamed, "Wanna Mo, Chief, Wanna Mo!"

    The chief looked confused and said:

    

    "What you mean wrong hole?"

    I don't get it!

      re-1   Sorry to hear/see that!

    
    Wilt Chamberlain, in honor of his "extracurricular" activities which
    was recently divulged in his book, is now 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Qualified as a Presidental Candidate!!!!!!!
    
    
    
    ta boom!
    
    Kev
    

<forwarding deleted...>

		GASSY ELEPHANT BLOWS HER TRAINER THRU A WALL

Sassy, the 2-ton elephant, queen of the Spalding Brothers Tent Circus, 
suffered a bout with gas that nearly killed her trainer, and blasted 
several holes  in the striped tent where she was practicing her prancing.

Now dubbed Sassy the Gassy Pachyderm, the 14-year-old beast snorted ap-
proximately 15 gallons of red-hot Tex-Mex chili cooking outside the tent
for a Rotary fund raiser.

Sassy developed a taste for chili as a mere 500-pound babe when she lived
with a herd of cows near El Paso, TX.  The rancher held regular cook-outs,
and let Sassy lick the Chili pot after the guests had gone.  

"The hotter the better," recalls rancher Antonio Guayabera.  "She'd poke her
little fuzzy trunk in there and slurp 'til it was clean as a whistle.

"I'd notice the next day, though, the cows would stick to one end of the field
and Sassy would be all by herself at the other.

"I always thought someone was burning garbage, but I finally realized it was 
Sassy and cut off her bean supply.  It was making the cows' milk sour."

Antonio, who got the baby elephant as a gag gift from an oilman friend of his,
sold Sassy to the circus and trainer Fritz Hildebrand made her queen of the 
center ring.

"I discovered the first month I had Sassy that she loved chili, but it didn't
love her," says Fritz.  "We had to keep the roustabouts with their open cook-
stoves away, because she would smell those beans simmering and start hooting
and hollaring to get it.

"We only let her have her way once," Fritz says, shaking his head.  "We had to
walk her a mile away and leave her penned there a whole day."

Human memories dim, but elephants never forget, and with chili pots bubbling it 
was just a matter of time before Sassy slipped her trunk through a hole in the 
tent and started gobbling.

"I knew I had to get her out of there - and fast," says Fritz from his hospital
bed.  "But I wasn't fast enough.  As I led here away, the gas attack started.
I should have known better than to stand too close, but the first blast blew
me right through the tent and into a trailer parked outside."

Fritz suffered 15 broken bones, including one arm, one leg,  his collarbone,
several ribs and fingers.  Subsequent blasts ripped through the big top 
before Sassy was banished to a distant field.

"I know she feels bad," concludes the forgiving trainer.  "Sassy's a chili-
holic, and she just can't help herself."

    
    re: -1
    
    I find that just a leetle hard to believe.  You been reading those
    newspapers at the supermarket checkout again?
    

    Haw haw haw, whoever wrote that did a H*LL of a job!  Fantastic!
    
    Heel, I got tears in my eyes from reading that one, Hawk.  Thanks
    
    
    lEe

    
    And I thought the image of Dumbo flying over-head was scary... woaah

    Thats good, JaKe...  Very Good !!
    
    BG

    This kid who plays T-ball(obligatory sports tie-in), is standing in
    front of the church where he belongs to, looking at the names on the
    war memorial plaque.
    
    The preacher walks over to him and asks him what he's doing.  The kid
    replies that he's looking at the names, but he is puzzled as to why all
    of these names are on the plaque in the first place.  The preacher
    tells the boy that these are the names of the people who were killed in
    the service.
    
    The kid looks at the preacher and says:
    
    
    Was that the 9 o'clock service or the 11 o'clock service???????
    
    JaKe
    

Congrats Jake.  I LOVE IT....best one you've ever told!  8^)

    Speaking of jokes...
    
    From the December 1991 issue of Referee Magazine:
 
This list is ordered by the number they wear on their backs.
 
NO.        NAME           NO. YEARS AS NBA OFFICIAL         HOMETOWN
                          BEFORE 1991-92 SEASON 
 
 4      Ed T. Rush                 24                       West Chester, Pa.
 6      Jim Clark                   3                       Casa Grande, Ariz.
 7      Bernie Fryer               11                       Mesa, Ariz.
 8      Lee Jones                  20                       Babylon, N.Y.
 9      Bruce Alexander            11                       Tacoma, Wash.
10      Darell Garretson           24                       Mesa, Ariz.
11      Jake O'Donnell             24                       Jupiter, Fla.
13      Mike Mathis                15                       Cincinnati
14      Jack Madden                25                       Roswell, Ga.
15      Bennett Salvatore           9                       Stamford, Conn.
16      Wally Rooney               17                       Rockville Centre,NY
17      Joe Crawford               14                       Haventown, Pa.
18      Ed Middleton               20                       La Quinta, Ca.
19      Jim Capers                 19                       New York City
20      Jess Kersey                18                       Newport News, Va.
21      Bill Oakes                 13                       Swarthmore, Pa.
22      Paul Mihalak               21                       Fairview, Pa.
23      Ron Garretson               4                       Corona, Calif.
24      Bill Saar                  16                       East Rockaway, NY
25      Hugh Evans                 18                       Richmond, Va.
26      Bob Delaney                 4                       Parrish, Fla.
27      Dick Bavetta               15                       Brooklyn
28      Tommy Nunez                18                       Tempe, Ariz.
29      Steve Javie                 5                       Lafayette Hill, Pa.
30      Gary Benson                 3                       Little Rock, Ark.
31      Terry Durham               13                       Portland, Ore.
32      Eddie F. Rush               4                       Fairfurn, Ga.
33      Joe Borgia                  3                       St. Petersburg,Fla.
34      Ronnie Dunn                 7                       Danbury, Conn.
35      Jack Nies                  13                       Tuscon, Ariz.
36      David Jones                 2                       Gainesville, Fla.
37      Blaine Reichelt            11                       Cocoa, Fla.
38      Bill Spooner                2                       Sepulveda, Calif.
39      Tommie Wood                 3                       Charlotte, N.C.
40      Derrick Stafford            3                       Riverdale, Ga.
41      Ken Mauer                   5                       St. Paul, Minn.
42      Hue Hollins                15                       Chino Hills, Calif.
43      Dan Crawford                6                       Evanston, Ill.
44      Ron Olesiak                 3                       Elmwood Park, Ill.
45      Joe Forte                   3                       Smyrna, Ga.
46      Hank Armstrong              3                       Virginia Beach
47      Russell Wells*
48      Mike Costabile              2                       Hillsborough, N.C.
49      Tom Washington*
50      Nolan Fine                  3                       Virginia Beach
51      Luis Grillo                 3                       Annapolis, Md.
52      Joe DeRosa                  2                       Paducah, Ky.
53      Jim Kinsey                  3                       Syracuse, N.Y.
54      Woody Mayfield              3                       Norman, Okla.
55      George Toliver              3                       Harrisonburg, Va.
56      Don Vaden                   3                       Lynch Station, Va.
57      Greg Willard                3                       Huntington Beach,CA
61      Mark Wunderlich             1                       Drexel Hill, Pa.
62      Mike Callahan               1                       Drexel Hill, Pa.
63      Ted Bernhardt               3                       Evansville, Ind.
64      Monty McCutcheon*
 
Chief Of Officials - Darell Garretson
 
     The officials with asterisks (*) by their names mean that they worked
NBA pre-season games only (I believe the three officials indicated in this
list are CBA officials) and at least one of these three will be added to the
staff.
     Only one official has been released from last year's staff.  Pete Quinn
wore 47 and was an official for two years.  According to a recent issue of
Referee Magazine, Quinn was not properly notified of why he was released and
a lawsuit may be pending.

    
    >><<< Note 20.361 by MIPSY::needle "Money talks. Mine says "Good-Bye!"" >>>
    >>        -< Give me time to think of a reason to hide it, Jake. >-
    
    You're slipping, Jeff.  It's been in there almost 7 hours now and you
    steel haven't found a reason!!!
    
    (8^)*  (8^)*
    
    JaKe
    

    I would think religious veterans or the OSTBA would find it offensive. 
    Better set that joke hidden.

    	--dan'l

    

    OSTBA - Overly Sensitive T-Ballers of America

    <<< Note 20.364 by SHALOT::MEDVID "I'm driving your girlfriend home" >>>
                                       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


hey.  You can HAVE her....

    There's a new commercial coming out from Pepsi starring Mike Tyson....
    
    
    They've got Tyson in his prison duds, standing next to a Pepsi vending
    machine........the camera pans to four convicts standing off to the
    side.....and one of the convicts says "hey....check out the nice new
    can!!!".
    
    
    

    >><<< Note 20.364 by SHALOT::MEDVID "I'm driving your girlfriend home" >>>
                                       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


>>hey.  You can HAVE her....
    
    
    Why? Then he'd have to cut off your hand.
    
    
    
    Many 8^)

|            <<< Note 20.368 by CSC32::J_HERNANDEZ "Pitcher happy" >>>
|
|    >><<< Note 20.364 by SHALOT::MEDVID "I'm driving your girlfriend home" >>>
|                                       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
|
|
|>>hey.  You can HAVE her....
|    
|    
|    Why? Then he'd have to cut off your hand.
    

Jesse, you scumbag.  I don't hear nothing from you either in notes
or on the phone for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks (hell, I wasn't
sure if you still worked for DEC) and then you're in here making
cracks about my sex life.  8^)

btw, I forget a smilie on the original note, so it should have read


	Hey.  You have HAVE her 8^)....


Jesse, man, you should have seen my hair a couple of weeks back.
It was like Marine regs.  Totally 8^)

Gotta get it cut again soon.



later,
'Saw

    
    'Saw,
    
    	I wouldn't waste any trons on Jesse about Marine haircuts.  He
    	hasn't seen a barber in years!
    
    Claybroon

I thought he was in Da Reserves.  Ain't no Marines gonna let
him have hair so long they can't see scalp.

Maybe Jesse is a Faux-Marine....


'Saw

    Naw I got outta da reserves a coupla Augusts ago. Actually I got out 2
    weeks after Saddam booked it to Kuwait. Then I got phone calls every
    week about how I was likely to be reactivated. Never happened though. 
    
    Kinda funny you mention the jarhaids. I seen an old jarhaid buddy of
    mine atthe Metallica concert lasted Friday. He was amazed at how long
    my hair was. Didn't even recognize me. 

Oh, I see.

Well, my hair is really pretty short now.  (I like it that way -- easier
to take care of, but cold in the winter)...


Smart to get out when ya did!!!!

Still got Van Halen on the CD player????


'Saw

    Then there was the Air Farce guy and the moron...er I mean Marine Corp
    guy that went into the men's room.  Both had "stand-up" business, if'n
    ya know what I mean.  
    
    After both finished, the Air Farce guy heads for the door whilst the
    Marine stops by the sink to wash his hands, he calls out, "Hey, don't
    the Air Farce teach ya to wash yure hands after going to da
    bathroom???"
    
    To which the Air Farce dude replies, "No, 
    
    but they do teach us not to p_ss on our fingers!!!!"
    
    
    JaKe
    

    an excerpt from:
    
                        ADVERTISING YOU JUST CAN'T BUY

               by Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning columnist
            Copied from The Boston Sunday Globe, February 16, 1992

                                    * * *

        Speaking of realism in advertising, Michael Jordan should be re-
    quired to make a commercial in which he tries, and fails, to jump over
    the pile of money that Wheaties pays him to pretend that breakfast 
    cereal has something to do with his basketball ability.

    
    
    What has 72 legs, 72 arms, 36 haids, 36 butts and no seats??
    
    
    
    
    The sports noters Pats day game crowd.

    You know you're getting old when "Doin' it 3 times a night" refers to
    going to the bathroom.
    
    
    JaKe
    

    Ha ha, another great one there, JD.  :*)

    The Pope, in a papal flurry, rushed into his limo and commanded the
    chauffeur to drive as fast as possible because he was late for an
    appointment.  As the driver reached the speed limit...

    Pope: "Drive faster son, we'll be late!"  
    Driver: "Your Holiness, besides breaking the law, this road is not made 
             for high speed driving."  
    Pope: "Okay then, pull over and I'll drive!  I can't afford to be late."

    The driver and Pope switch places.  Sure enough, as the Pope gets the
    limo up to cruising speed, he sees the flashing lights behind him.  He
    pulls over as the policeman parks behind the limo.  When the policeman
    sees who is driving, he remembers something in his training about
    "immunity for foreign officials".  He calls HQ to talk to his superior
    officer.

    Cop: "Sir we have a problem.  I just pulled over a very important diplomat
          for speeding and was wondering if I should write him up or not."  
    Boss: "Well is he more important than the city council?"
    Cop: "Yes."
    Boss: "Well is he more important than the mayor?"
    Cop: "Yes."
    Boss: "Well is he more important than the governor?"
    Cop: "Yeah, I would say so."
    Boss: "Well is he more important than the President of the United
           States?"
    Cop: "Well, yeah I suppose you could say that."
    Boss: "Well who is this guy?"
    
    Cop: "I don't know, but the Pope is his chauffeur!"

    A third grade boy enters the kitchen where his mother is preparing
    dinner and the following conversation ensues:
    
    Boy:  Mom, where did I come from?
    Mother: Well, Billy, we all moved here from Chicago.
    Boy: No Mom, I mean where did I come from.
    
    Not having told him the facts of life yet, and not wanting to at this
    point, she says:
    
    Mom: The stork brought you.
    Boy: Oh.  Where then, did dad come from??
    Mom: the stork brought him too.
    Boy: Well, where did Grandpa come from??
    Mom: Again, the stork brought him.
    Boy: Ok.  Thanks.
    Mom: Why did you ask, anyways, Billy???
    Boy: We have to do a report for school.
    
    The boy leaves.
    
    A week later, the mother gets a call from the boy's teacher.
    
    The mother asks if everything is ok, and the teacher says back:
    
    Yes, everything is ok but I'm trying to find out what it means in your
    son's report when he says that for at least the last 3 generations
    there hasn't been a naturally conception or birth in your family!!!!
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    
    

    Seems that the night before Mike Tyson was put behind bars, Don King
    arranged for him to have one final tryst with a beautiful young lady. 
    The morning after, as they were getting dressed, the woman says to
    Mike, "Honey, I've got some good news and some bad news for you.  Which
    do you want first?"
    
    Mike ponders for a second and then says, "Well, is there a way you can
    give them both at the same time?"
    
    She thinks for a bit and then says, "Yeah, sure...
    
    
    
    You're much better in bed than Magic Johnson."
    

      I heard a version of that last night, but instead it was:
    
      Mike says just give me the good news, 'cause I have had enough bad
    news lately, so the woman says, your much bigger than Magic Johnson.
    
      I was rollin'....
    
    	Tj

    This girl goes to a doctor because she's always tired, and gets sick
    every morning.
    
    Doctor:  Your tests indicate that you are pregnant.
    
    Girl:  That can't be.
    
    Doctor:  These tests are right 99.9% of the time.  Believe me, you're
    pregnant.
    
    Girl:  But I can't be.  In Fact, I've never even kissed a man, let
    alone going any further than that.  I can't be pregnant.
    
    Then the doctor got up from his chair, went to the window, and started
    looking out at the sky.
    
    The girl asked what the heck he was doing, to which the doctor replied:
    
    
    The last time something like this happened, a great star rose in the
    east, and I ain't gonna miss this one.
    
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    

    A young newlywed couple from West Virginia is beginning their
    honeymoon.  They begin to get undressed for bed when the new bride
    says, "Darlin', I gots somethin' ta tell ya."
    
    "Yes, mah luv?"
    
    "I'm a virgin."
    
    The groom pulls out a shotgun and shoots her dead.  He then goes home.
    
    When he gets home, his father says, "What are you doing here?  You're
    supposed to be on your honeymoon, son."
    
    "Well, daddy, we were getting undressed and she told me she was a
    virgin so I shot her."
    
    "Well, I can understand that," says the father,
    
    
    
    "If she ain't good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for
    ours."
    

    Hey --dan'l,
    
    I say 19:00 today.
    
    JaKe
    

    If a couple from West Virginia gets divorced, 
    
    Are they still brother and sister??????????
    
    JaKe
    

    re: -.2
    
    My Casio shows 21:33
    
    so much for 19:00 - MtFM must be at a rugger meeting or somethang.....
    
    HEY! I just figgered it out!!!!!  MtFM is lookin at a book to find more
    SorryExcuses why WRFC don't wanna play 'Saw's Haffa team!  Yeah, that's
    it!!!! Anybody got a copy of the ACC_Excuse_Bible?  Wanna lend it?
    
    I remain,
    waiting.....and waiting...and waiting....for   THE MATCH!!!!!!!!!
    Kev
    

    This doctor and his wife were having a HUGE argument.
    
    As he's storming out of the house, he yells to her, "AND YOU'RE NOT ANY
    GOOD IN BED, EITHER!!!!"
    
    Later in the day, he starts feeling guilty, seeing as he said it in
    anger and didn't really mean it.
    
    He picks up the phone and dials his home phone #.  After 12 or 13
    rings, his wife finally answers.  He asks her what took her so long to
    answer the phone, to which she replies that she was in bed.
    
    He asks her what she's doing in bed this late in the day, to which she
    replies,
    
    	
    "Getting a second opinion!!!!"
    
    
    JaKe
    
    

You should get second opinions on your JoKes, JaKe.

Bob Hunt

    Hey BobHunt,
    
    That's only your opinion, and, as we all know, opinions are like
    a__holes, everybody has one and almost all of them stink.
    
    JaKe
    

		     *****************************************
		     Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense 
		     *****************************************

     Originally from the San Jose Mercury news, "News of the Weird".   

     (g) Atlanta Braves pitcher John Smoltz gave himself five-inch-long
	 welts in March when he tried to iron his polo shirt while wearing it.
	 "I've ironed that way five or six times," he said, "and never had
	 it happen."

           <<< HYDRA::DISK_NOTES$LIBRARY:[000000]DAVE_BARRY.NOTE;1 >>>
                       -<  Dave Barry - Noted humorist  >-
================================================================================
Note 747.0  It's a funny way of settling the great debate: Who's No.  No replies
ALPHA::reeves "Jon Reeves, ULTRIX compiler group"    99 lines  14-MAY-1992 16:35
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[The Dave Barry library archive project continues.  This article comes
from the December 30, 1991 issue of The Sporting News, via the Nashua
Public Library.]

Once again, we find ourselves confronted with the burning international
issue of which is the No. 1 team in college football.

The two major contenders are the University of Miami Fighting Tropical
Depressions and the University of Washington Drooling Partially
Housetrained Weimaraners.  Both teams are undefeated; both are
well-coached; both have talented crops of large sixth-year
communications majors.  Clearly, the only logical, intelligent way to
resolve the No. 1 question is to have them play each other.

So, naturally, this will not happen.  Because this is college football.
 This is a sport of tradition, a sport of historical rivalries and
pride and school spirit and sweat and wealthy alumni boosters with the
ethics of toilet slime and muscle and guts and reeking jockstraps and
large communications majors running into each other with such force
that pieces of knee cartilage sometimes land in the tuba section of the
marching band.  A sport like this does not determine who is No. 1 in
the nation by some easy, logical, obvious, namby-pamby
Mister-Mathematics-Professor method such as having the two teams
actually play on the same football field simultaneously and seeing who
gets the most total points.  A sport like this determines the No. 1
team by taking polls.

And we're not talking about just one poll, either.  We're talking about
the Sportswriters' Poll, the Coaches' poll, the Referees' poll, the
Stadium Maintenance Staff Poll, the Dental Hygienists Who Occasionally
Read the Sports Section Poll and of course the Poll of Overweight
Drunks Shouting at Each Other in Bars, to name just a few.  It's not
unusual for these polls to disagree with each other, and they all
frequently disagree with the New York Times computer, which also
determines who is No. 1 and tends to hold unusual opinions.  (For
example, last season, it wound up giving the top ranking to Boris Spassky.)

But at the moment, it looks as though the champions will be either the
Storm Systems or the Weimaraners.  Of course, all that could change,
depending on what happens New Year's Day.  For example, if the Systems
defeat the University of Nebraska Tragic Threshing Machine Accidents in
the Orange Bowl, but not as badly as various Las Vegas gambling
professionals feel they're SUPPOSED to beat them and the Weimaraners
LOSE to their Rose Bowl opponent, the University of Michigan Fanged
Tapeworms, then the No. 1 ranking COULD go to the University of Florida
Horned Clams, although there will always be a certain hard-core group
of poll voters who, because of tradition and a sincere desire not to go
to hell, are going to support the University of Notre Dame.

The most likely candidates are the Systems and the Weimaraners, which
is why all of us, as concerned sports fans, should take a moment here
to consider, objectively and fairly and without prejudice of any kind,
the pluses and minuses of these fine teams--the University of Miami,
which has relied on team speed, a ferocious defense and a pro-style
passing offense; and the University of Washington, which boasts what
probably is the nation's finest group of criminal defense attorneys.

Ha ha!  I am just poking a little harmless fun at the Weimaraners, who
have been just a tad embarrassed of late because, according to
newspaper accounts, five University of Washington players have been in
trouble with the law on misdemeanor charges ranging from traffic
violations to simple assault.  In November, a reporter at Seattle
television station KIRO did a story about this, but it was kept off the
air for two nights on the orders of the station's top executive, Ken
Hatch, who said--I am not making this quote up--"It was a story with
bad timing for a high-quality institution that has a team that's going
to the Rose Bowl.  Here's a community filled with joy.  This would have
been an embarrassment to a great football team at a time when we should
be cheering them on."

When I first saw this statement, my reaction, in all objectivity and
fairness, was to puke.  I mean, here in Miami we have, over the years,
had our share of little incidents wherein members of our football team
had to be subdued by police and National Guard units.  But you don't
see the local media protecting us from these things.  You don't see us
moping around in a joyless manner whenever a Miami player is involved
in some unfortunate youthful indiscretion involving illegal parking or
hostage-taking or mortar attacks on banks.  Just this past week, we
lost a player to credit-card fraud, and it barely affected our game
plan.  Our coaches just looked at their playbooks under "FRAUD, CREDIT
CARD" and made the necessary adjustments.  And we fans didn't even
whimper. Because here in Miami we're FOOTBALL FANS.  Opposing fans have
been calling our Storm Systems "convicts" and "criminals" for years,
and we just shrug it off with an easy toss of our broad muscular
shoulders and continue rooting for our boys to make bail and get out on
the gridiron and kick some butt.

So, let it happen, on New Year's Day.  May the best teams win in the
polls.  I wish the University of Washington nothing but success.  In
fact, I hope the Weimaraners do well in the Rose Bowl, because if they
fall behind early, KIRO-TV might decide not to broadcast the second
half, and the fans will be stuck watching old episodes of "Petticoat Junction."

Here in Miami, however, we'll all be watching our Systems as they go
for their eighth national championship in approximately the past five
years.  We hope they win it, and we think they should win it; but win
or lose, we'll show the world our "Miami spirit" by holding our heads
high as we proudly discharge our firearms into the night air.  Or
possibly the poll voters.
    

VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH:                           +Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent+
---------------------                           +Littleton, MA, USA            +

                        Are You A Techno-dweeb?

    Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities?  Many
    do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive.  If you can
    relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with  Techno-Dweeb. 
    If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a  Techno-Dweeb. Do not
    despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge
    to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone
    book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with
    you until the feeling passes.

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TECHNO-DWEEB WHEN...

    When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you 
    reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"

    When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and 
    you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see 
    if you can raise CD.

    When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

    When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up 
    sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".

    When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her,  
    "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."

    When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

    When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32  bits.

    When you have to go to the bathroom, but you wait until bladder 
    meltdown, since "goto" is bad programming style.

    When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve 
    eye-hand coordination.

    When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a 
    crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection  in
    case of a crash.

    When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive 
    to your machines.

    When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.

    When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and 
    you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."

    When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and 
    come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise 
    her for for omitting the else clause.

    When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.

    {Contributed to rec.humor.funny and attributed to Jim Ritterbusch} 

	McDuff and McDonald are sitting in the clubhouse,
	drinking a whisky in front of a roaring fire, after
	a particularly nasty day on the links.

	Their cheeks were red from the wind, and the ice was
	just starting to melt from their beards.

	McDuff says "So, you wanna play again next Saturday?"

	"Aye," replies McDonald

	
		"Weather permittin'"

>        <<< Note 20.395 by PFSVAX::JACOB "If I only had a bulldozer" >>>
>                               -< just testing >-
    
       Uh Oh! We might be going write-lock agin soon!
                              Denny 8^)

>>                               -< just testing >-
    


I dunno know what this means, but if there's any innuendo there at
all, I'll shut this topic down quicker than light reflecting off
your solar panel.....


[many 8^)]
'Saw

    Nah, no innuendo, just you cain't imagine how many times over the
    lasted six months I wanted to put a joke in here and found that
    dadblasted thang still writelocked, so I just went my merry way.
    
    Just had to see if it was twue that it was once again open.
    
    Now I gotta go find some ACCEPTABLE jokes to put in here.
    
    JaKe
    

    
>>all, I'll shut this topic down quicker than light reflecting off
>>your solar panel.....
    
    Cold, 'Saw, cold.  Even with the smileys.  Sniff, sniff, whimper.
    
    JaKe
    
    

    Now MtM, do I do repeats????
    
    And don't I always find a way to TIE them into sports????
    
    (uh-oh, sounds like the S-H key is being activated!!)
    
    JaKe
    

I loved this exchange on Seinfeld last night...

Jerry answers the phone and the following dialog ensues

Phone: Would you like to switch to TMI long Distance?
Jerry: I'm kind of busy right now. How about giving me your home phone number
       and I'll call you back.
Phone: I'm sorry I can't give you that.
Jerry: Don't you like being called at home?
Phone: umm..no
Jerry: Now you know how I feel and hangs up the phone...

That was a great episode....

George: The show is about nothing...
Big Wig exec: Nothing?
George: What did you do this morning?
Exec: Got up, ate breakfast and came to work
George: That's an episode
exec: Why would I watch it?
George: Because it's on television..

I guess neither star is too happy about going against the other...my 
VCR will be taping one while I watch the other...

Metz

    Why was "6" jealous????
    
    
    'Cause 7-8-9!!!
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    

    Seinfeld roolz.   I'll watch home improvement on the reruns.
    
    JD

>    Seinfeld roolz.   I'll watch home improvement on the reruns.
    
The only thing that would make Home Improvement better was if they
gave Pam Anderson (the Binford Tool Time Girl) more air time.   She
was Playmate of the Month in February 1990, and I think she needs a 
couple of more speaking lines a month....8^)


argh, ugh, ugh,

'Saw

    JaKe,
    
    I see you've found Lorin and Wally's station!
    
    ;^)
    
    Kev
    

    
    > Seinfeld roolz.   I'll watch home improvement on the reruns.
    
    Yes!  You are correct, sir!
    
    glenn
    

    Nah Kev, that's just a VERY VERY old joke, something you know lots
    about, right???
    
    JaKe
    

From the daily Dave Barry calendar...

September 18th
--------------
I must say a few serious words here about a problem that, regrettably, has 
reached epidemic proportions in the world of sports fans. I'm talking about
male cheerleaders. I don't know where you grew up, but where I grew up, there 
were certain things a guy absolutely did not do, and cheerleading is about
six of them.

    re-.1
    
    Yeah, but, every Saturday ya see the guy with the best male cheerleader
    job in the world.
    
    I just wonders how ya go about getting his job.
    
    If'n ya don't understand what I'm talking about, mail me.
    
    Staying away from the S-H police
    
    JaKe
    

    Yeah Jake, I see ASU's cheering squad practicing everyday.  One of
    these days I'll ask what class you have to take to get to do that.
    
    Mike

    Yo Sawmain, 
    I got lotsa video tape footage of Pam Anderson and her Baywatch
    compadre, Erika Elianak (sp?). Damn near melt my vcr. 

    Back a few years after Wade Boggs had his "Margo" episode, he was
    seeing a psychologist afor help with his "problem".
    
    The psychologist, at the first meeting, took a pad of paper and drew a
    vertical line on the first page.  He then asked Boggs what he saw on
    the page.
    
    Boggs replied, "That's a naked woman."
    
    The psychologist, somewhat taken aback, then tore off that sheet, and
    on the nexted sheet drew another vertical line, but this time drew a
    norizontal line crowwing the vertical line, and asked Boggs what he
    saw.
    
    Boggs replied, "That's a naked woman, bending over."
    
    The psychologist then tore off that sheet, and on the nexted sheet drew
    a horizontal line and again, asked Boggs what he saw.
    
    Boggs replied, "That's a naked woman laying down."
    
    The psychologist then said, "Mr. Boggs you have a serious problem,
    you're VERY oversexed."
    
    To which Boggs replied,
    
    "I have a problem???  You're the one drawing all those dirty
    pictures!!!!!"
    
    
    
    
    Sorry
    
    JaKe
    

And YOU KNOW WHY.......


so don't ask.

    During one of their evening strolls in the garden, God and Adam were
    chatting about how fantastic creation was. Adam was full of praise for
    everything around him but decided to ask God for a companion. God
    thought this was a brilliant idea and immediately started designing. "I
    can make you a woman, she'll be a helper, a companion, a friend,
    loving, considerate, she'll prepare your meals, keep the garden clean,
    bring you your slippers ... the possibilities are endless, but it'll
    cost you an arm and a leg !" 

        
    Adam thought about it for a minute and said "What could I get for a
    rib ?"

    ..... And God doth say to Adam
    "Life's a bitch and now you'll marry one."
    
    Mucho 8^)'s
    MikeL
    

    re-.1
    
    I find that offensive, Mr Moderator, cain you set it hidden????
    
    JaKe
    

    
    For those who may be wondering,
    
    
    Nope!  It wasn't me!
    
    I remain,
    figuring somebody's still on the roll he was on lasted(tm) night -
    Right JaKe?
    Kev
    

    Why have so many people sent mail asking if it's me that got set hidden
    in .414?????
    
    Would I do a thang like that????
    
    Inquiring minds and all that
    
    JaKe
    

>    <<< Note 20.420 by PFSVAX::JACOB "Not tonite, I've got a thumb-ache" >>>

Now where would anyone get the idea that JaKe would try to slip something
in here?

{from CARBUFFS}

The Farside comes to life in Oregon.

   I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
   videotape.  The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent
   a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale
   that washed up on the beach.  The responsibility for getting rid of the
   carcass was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on
   the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of
   being large objects.

   So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not
   making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite.  The thinking
   here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be
   eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that.  A textbook whale removal.

   So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
   dynamite next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty of
   understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the
   most wonderful event in the history of the universe.  First you see the
   whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame.  Then you
   hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!"  Then, suddenly,
   the crowd's tone changes.  You hear a new sound like "splud."  You hear
   a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...  MY GOD!"  Something
   smears the camera lens.

   Later, the reporter explains:  "The humor of the entire situation
   suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber
   fell everywhere."  One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than
   a quarter of a mile away.  Remaining on the beach were several rotting
   whale sectors the size of condominium units.  There was no sign of the
   sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently relocated in Brazil. This is a
   very sobering videotape.  Here at the institute we watch it often,
   especially at parties.  But this is no time for gaiety.  This is a time
   to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway division and ask
   them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate
   on the US Capitol.

    Ha ha ha, I'd LOVE to get a copy of that video!  :*)
    
    lEe

    Re:422... Thanks Paul... People are asking me why I'm laughing so hard
    that coffee is coming out my nose....
    
    REK
    
    CLassic... Send that sucker to America's Funnest Home Video... A sure
    winner!!!!!!!!!!!

    The whale story has been areound now for about 5 years.   It may be
    an 'urban legend'.
    
    JD

>    Re:422... Thanks Paul... People are asking me why I'm laughing so hard
>    that coffee is coming out my nose....
    
    Okay RUK, but my name ain't Paul.
    
    Urban myth or not, it's a riot!
    
    Mike

    Mike? Paul... Sorry about that..
    
    REK

    Who makes the best Oriental Vegetables????
    
    
    "Boom Boom" Mancini!!!!!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    
    Eddie Andleman of WEEI was solicitating jokes on his drive time show
    lasted evening, since the Red Sox and Patsies weren't even worth
    laughing about, let alone discussing.
    
    Middle aged husband and wife sitting together on the couch:
    
    Wife:  Dear, if anything ever happened to me, would you see other
           women, and maybe even marry again?
    
    Husband:  Well, let me ask you....if the situation were reversed,
              wouldn't you look for a man who could make you as happy
              as I've made you?
    
    Wife:  Mmmmmm....yes, I suppose so.
    
    A little later....
    
    Wife:   And would you give her all my jewelry?
    
    Husband:  Well, I suppose if it made her happy, I certainly wouldn't
              have any use for it myself.
    
    Wife:  And my firs?
    
    Husband:   Well sure, why not?
    
    Again later.....
    
    Wife: (slightly irritated now)  And I suppose you'd even give this
          girlfriend of yours my golf clubs, too.
    
    Husband:  Of course not!  She's left-handed!
    
    
    Dickstah

       Hey, leave Dickstah alone, he spent the weekend counting trees
    remember? 
       Where's his report anyway?
                                    Denny

Yeah, where's Dickster's report.


I only got half of CT done.  I'll have to do the other half this weekend,
and do a dastistickal extrapolation for any new trees that might have
sprung up since last weekend....


'Saw

    Regarding Andleman,
    I heard a good blonde joke ( clean)
    
    Blonde goes to the doc fer a exam. Doc comes back out and says,
    "Ma'am you're pregnant."  Blonde replies " How can you prove it's
    mine?"
    
    Ba-doom
    MikeL
          
    

    
    I counted all the trees in Mass. except for the ones along the parking
    lot in Foxboro.  Where's *your* report?  Since you were probably seeing
    double, be sure to divide the number in half.
    
    Dickstah
    

    643!
                                         

    	642 Denny.  I cut one down while looking for Tommy and Darryl.

	Dickstah,

	The count for Maine was 62,367,221,901. (I think)

	By the way I waited for 6 hours at the bar for my payment,
	I didn't want to, but I felt it was my duty.

	;^)
	Bill


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W(F3,I2,V)P[469,272]@ZW(S0,R)
@:ZW(P1)
T[+27,+0](I0)(S[27,30]M[3,3])
P(B)
P[-175,+15]
T"BoB Palmer"
P(E)
W(P1)
@;
W(F3,I3,V)P[276,65]@ZW(S0,R)
P[384,252]
s(A[0,0][767,479])s(I(D),S1,T0)T[+9,+0](S1,H2,S[9,20],M[1,2],D0,I0,A0)W(V,I(W),F3,M1,N0,P1,P(M2),S0)


N(		END OF DECslide V 1.1 EXPORT FILE)
\

{headers removed}

  What do The Wizard of Oz and the presidential candidates have in common?


  Bush wants a heart, Quayle wants a brain, Perot wants courage,
and Clinton wants to take Dorothy home.


Ta boom!  

    Re: -1
    
    you forgot some:
    
    Gore wants to censor the videotape, Hillary is the Wicked Witch of the 
    West, and Marilyn is Glenda - the Good Witch.
    
    hope this helps,
    Mike

    What's the difference between Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle, and Jane
    Fonda??????????
    
    
    Jane Fonda WENT to Vietnam!!!!
    
    JaKe
    

    Hear about the minister that called for his lawyer and doctor while
    on his deathbed?  When they asked him why he chose them of all people,
    he said:
    
    
    "Well Jesus died between 2 thieves too!"

    Raymond and Davie, two craggy Scots, were sitting before the clubhouse
    fireplace after 18 holes on a raw, blustery day.  The ice slowly melted
    from their beards and collected in puddles under their chairs.  Outside
    the wind howled off the North Sea and hail rattled against the windows.
    
    The pair sat in silence over their whiskies.  Finally Raymond spoke,
    "Next Tuesday, same time?"
    
    "Aye," replied Davie, "weather permitting.

|    Raymond and Davie, two craggy Scots, were sitting before the clubhouse
|    fireplace after 18 holes on a raw, blustery day.  The ice slowly melted
|    from their beards and collected in puddles under their chairs.  Outside
|    the wind howled off the North Sea and hail rattled against the windows.
|    
|    The pair sat in silence over their whiskies.  Finally Raymond spoke,
|    "Next Tuesday, same time?"
|    
|    "Aye," replied Davie, "weather permitting.


GREAT pictures in that issue too 8^)

    This is fer you, Metz.
    
    There is this old guy, whose health is failing.  His son decides, much
    against his own will, to put Dad in a nursing home.
    
    Well, dad sleeps in the nude, and the when he wakes up on the firsted
    morning, he's woodward.  A nubile young nurse sees this and seizes the
    opportunity, if ya gets my drift.
    
    Dad calls his son about 1/2 hour later and extolls the wonderful
    virtues of the nursing home and states he cain spend the rest of his
    life there gladly.
    
    The nexted morning, dad again wakes up, and this time goes to take a
    shower.  After his shower, he's stepping out of the tub and falls down.
    He cain only get up as far as his hands and knees, and is barely able
    to reach the string attached to the call button and summon help.
    
    Well, this big, burly male orderly comes in, and seeing the old guy in
    his birthday suit on his hands and knees, does the "Deliverance" thang
    on the old guy.
    
    Dad immediately calls the son and says he wants out immediately, if
    not sooner, and won't spend another hour there and will leave and start
    walking if his son doesn't get there immediately.
    
    The son, bewildered, asks Dad what has happened and changed his mind
    since the day before and all that.
    
    The old man replies:
    
    Cause I only get 3 woodies a year and
    
    I fall down 3 times a day!!!!
    
    there ya go
    
    JaKe
    

    Careful Jake, or I'll delete your last one.

    re: .447
    
    Guy has had a really tough 12 hours. Even I, a New Yorker, have
    compassion for him. You as a Red Sox fan should certainly give him some
    slack.
    
    :-)
    
    The Crazy Met
    

FOUNTAINS OF WISDOM
by Barry Tarshis
copied w/o permission from the NY Times, Monday 8/31/92, p.A15

Imagine that a network morning show has assembled six political
heavyweights for a call-in show.  A teacher phones to report that during
a recent class tour of the White House, a student wanted a drink of
water, only to discover that the fountain was out of order.  The teacher
asks the panel what message a broken fountain at the White House sends
to the young people of America.  Let's listen to the answers.

Ross Perot: The question here is simple: how do we fix it.  I say, let's
bring together the finest plumbing talent in America -- from outside the
system.  Let them look at the fountain.  Turn it on.  Turn it off.
Measure the flow in it.  That sort of thing.  And you can be sure, the
next time you take a White House tour, you're going to drink from a
world-class fountain.

Jesse Jackson: Let us not talk about this broken water fountain.  Let us
talk about the thousands of broken water fountains across America.  For
they, too, are broken, like the broken dreams of America's forgotten
children.  And whether you are black, white, brown or yellow, you cannot
use them.  Why?  Because the Republican Party is more interested in
_Perrier_ water and _Pellegrino_ water than it is in _public_ water.

Al Gore: I love my country.  And I love water.  And I love the children
who drink from the water fountains in the country I love, and that my
father loves.  And I believe in my heart that the time has come, now
more than ever, for all of us to be inspired by the young people of
America whose dreams for the future depend on our ability as a nation to
provide them with the water that is the essence of their survival.

Dan Quayle: I am very, very sympathetic to the disappointment young
people in America feel when they go to a water fountain in the single
most important building in America and cannot drink from it.  Because I,
too, would be very, very disappointed if I were to go to get a drink
from a water fountain and discover that, because of the Democrats, the
water does not come up.  Water is a terrible thing to waste, when there
is thirst but no water, that is a terrible thing.

Bill Clinton: I grew up in a home where public water fountains were very
important to me and to my family.  And I have put forward a plan similar
to the plan I introduced to Arkansas.  This plan is good for America. It
takes the $4.25 million savings we ralize when we eliminate the 10
percent reduction on the capital gains that exceed $30,000 in any given
one-year period for Americans under the age of 31 who graduated before
1984, and it allocates 18.5 percent of that sum to paying for 80 percent
of the new fountain construction.

George Bush: O.K.  Sure.  Fine.  There's something wrong with a water
fountain in the White House?  Not denying it.  Have to be a fool to deny
it.  But make no mistake about it.  There is a lot that is _right_ with
it, too.  And that's one thing I want to focus on, you see, not what's
bad about the water fountains in America by what's _good_ about them.
And with the help of the American people and a Republican Congress I can
work with, I can make the water flow again in the water fountains of
America.

    It's to real to be funny...  ;^(
    
    BG

Who am I? What am I doing in the White House drinking from a fountain?



That was a good one! 

    He's baack!!!!!
    
    ;^)
    

    
    I was wondering how long it would take for set/hidden. I had no doubt
    it happen. 45 minutes was about 30 minutes longer then I anticipated.
    
    If anyone want to know what was set hidden send me email
    
    The Crazy Met
    

    
    
       Hope this wasn't already in here anywhere.....
    
    
           Coach K is in a NC big city Laundry Mat. Snuffy pulls up and
    walks in with his own laundry, he notices Coach K is wearing his 1992
    National Championship T shirt.
    
    Snuffy: Nice Shirt Mike
    Coach K: Thanks. I'm washing my 1991 one.
    
    Snuffy leaves......Abruptly.
    
                             ;^)

This note has been write-locked, for obvious reasons.

From PC/Computing - November 1992
    
Some Virus' to look out for!
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
    
... 
    
Nike Virus - Just does it.
    
Cleveland Indians Virus - Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 
    286/AT.
    
Chicago Cubs Virus - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last
in the reviews, but you still love it.

Article 157 of clari.feature.dave_barry:
From: clarinews@clarinet.com (Dave Barry)
Subject: DAVE BARRY'S HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 92 23:07:25 PST

DAVE BARRY
	
	For the third consecutive year, despite numerous threats of federal
prosecution, we are proud to present our Holiday Gift Guide.
	You have no idea how much work we put into this. The effort began way
back in April, when we assembled our team of Gift Guide buyers, gave
each one an unlimited expense account, and sent them off to scour the
globe in search of the ultimate in unique and tasteful gift concepts. We
have learned to ``expect the unexpected'' from our highly-trained
shopping professionals, but even WE were amazed when, six months later,
none of them returned. We have NO idea where they are now, although the
State Department has notified us that at one point they threw a party
that resulted in considerable damage to Belgium.
	What this means is that, for the third consecutive year, we do not
have any tasteful gift concepts for our Holiday Gift Guide. But this
setback has not dampened our holiday spirits. We are like the ``Whos'' --
the cute and plucky little critters who had their Christmas stolen away
from them by the mean old Grinch in the Dr. Seuss story ``How the Grinch
Stole Christmas.'' Even though the Grinch took away all the Whos'
material things -- their gifts and trees and decorations and food -- he
could not take away their holiday spirit. And thus the Whos were able,
in the story's heartwarming conclusion, to put together a Holiday Gift
Guide and charge advertisers a lot of money to be in it.
	That is the spirit that drives us here at the Holiday Gift Command
Center. We canceled all our regular appointments and spent close to a
full hour assembling the collection of gift items you are about to see.
We want to stress that we're not making any of these items up; they are
real things that we purchased with Miami Herald money that might
otherwise have been used by real reporters to gather actual news.
	We also want to stress that we never put ANY item into the Gift Guide
until it has been subjected to rigorous testing procedures. So we feel
confident in offering our unique Lifetime Consumer Satisfaction
Guarantee: If you purchase an item featured in this Gift Guide, and at
any point during your lifetime you become for ANY REASON less than 100
percent satisfied with it, then nyah nyah nyah.
	And we stand behind those words.
                             	------
...
    
	WORM BLOWER -- Around $2. Manufactured by Lindy-Little Joe Inc., Box
C, 1110 Wright St., Brainerd, Minn. 56401. Suggested by John Cahill of
Alexandria, Va.
	A fisherperson's worm says a lot about him. When he's out fishing
with his buddies, he does not want to reach into his bait bucket, grope
around, and pull out a pale, limp, flaccid worm; he wants a worm he can
be proud of, a vibrant, glistening, throbbing worm, a worm that will
cause the buddies to spit enviously and say: ``Whoa! Check out NORM'S
worm.''
	And the fisherperson on your holiday gift list will be sure of having
the night crawler of his dreams every time, if you give him this Worm
Blower from the Lindy line of fine fishing accessories. As the package
states:
	``Blowing up a crawler not only keeps it off the bottom, but can make
a skimpy, shriveled up crawler look like a super worm.''
	Basically, the worm blower is a plastic squeeze bottle with a
syringe-type needle on it. The sportsperson simply sticks the needle
into the worm, squeezes the bottle, and, voila, the worm explodes.
	No, ideally that does not happen, although apparently it is a danger,
because the directions state:
	``SQUEEZE WORM BLOWER BEING CAREFUL NOT TO RUPTURE CRAWLER.''
	But we still think the worm blower is a very thoughtful gift idea for
any man who is concerned about the size and perkiness of his worm. (We
understand that Sylvester Stallone has 22 of these.)
                             	------

	CAP BUDDY -- $5.95 from Carol Wright Gifts, 340 Applecreek Rd.,
Lincoln, Neb. 68544, phone (402) 474-5174. Suggested by Kathryn
Godlewski of Racine, Wis.
	Baseball-style caps present a real cleaning challenge to the
conscientious homemaker.
	One major challenge, of course, is getting the cap off of the head of
the person who wears it. We do not wish to single out any specific
gender here, but a lot of men NEVER take their caps off -- not in
restaurants, not at funerals, not in bed, not while undergoing brain
surgery.
	And even if you DO get the owner to remove the cap, you find that
it's encrusted with a thick layer of grime that has been formed into a
kind of mortar by dried sweat. This poses a real cleaning problem, and
until recently the only proven way to solve it was to make a paste
mixture of baking soda and kerosene, rub it thoroughly into the cap,
then set fire to it.
	The problem with this approach is that then the man has to go get a
whole new cap, and some models -- especially the ones with advanced
features such as the adjustable brim -- can run as high as $2.79. But
fortunately it is no longer necessary to lay out that kind of money,
thanks to the amazing new Cap Buddy.
	We can't understand how come, in a supposedly advanced country, it
took so long for somebody to think this up. What it is, basically, is a
plastic thing that you put a cap in, so that you can wash the cap in the
dishwasher. Then you just run your dishwasher normally, and bang, all
that icky grime has been washed off the cap and spewed all over your
silverware. So maybe you'd better wash the cap all by itself.
	We think this is a terrific product concept, and we are hoping to see
new items added to the Buddy line, including the Sock Buddy, the Shoe
Buddy and the Jockstrap Buddy. Eventually we may see the day when you
can wash ALL your clothes in the dishwasher, and somebody will develop
products that enable you to wash your dishes in the washing machine.
                             	------

	HIGH-FASHION SLIPPERS -- $29.98 from Taylor Gifts, 355 E. Conestoga
Rd., Wayne, Pa. 19087-0206, phone (800) 551-3900. NiteMates suggested by
Annette Eubank of Gardenville, Pa., and Tom Ward of Fall River, Mass.
	Did you ever wonder what your leading tasteful fashion designers such
as Oscar ``D'' La Renta do when they get home after a hard day of
designing clothes that ordinary dirtball humans such as yourself cannot
afford? The answer is, they kick off their shoes and put on a pair of
slippers shaped like giant Budweiser cans. Yes! Budweiser slippers are
all the rage this year in both New York and Paris. (We understand that
Ms. Ivana Trump owns 46 pairs.)
    ...
	Probably you are saying: ``It's all well and good to have slippers
with lights in them, but what I am really looking for, by way of a gift
item, is a slipper that makes NOISE.'' Fortunately, hard-working
slipper-industry research scientists have anticipated this need. Either
that or they have been mixing their prescription medications again. It's
hard to think of another explanation for the development of NFL cheering
slippers. These are attractive plush slippers with the logo of your
favorite NFL team on the side. The large, bulging toes are intended to
look like football helmets, although in fact they are much hairier than
the helmets that real NFL players use, so it looks as though you're
walking around with a pair of overweight badgers clinging to your feet.
	But that is not the good part. The good part is that concealed inside
one of the slippers is an electronic battery-powered device, which, when
you stomp your feet, makes a noise that sounds exactly like a stadium
crowd roaring! (We're talking about a small, battery-powered stadium
crowd.)
	You can just imagine how handy it would be to have a pair of slippers
that make noise with every step, especially when the slipper-owner is
trying to creep into the bedroom without disturbing a sleeping spouse
(Creep ROAR creep ROAR ... ``WHAT'S THAT?'' ``Oh, did I wake you? Sorry.
'')
	You may recall that last year's Gift Guide featured slippers that
made a flatulent sound when trod upon. Now, just one short year later,
we have cheering slippers. This rapid advance in slipper technology --
and by the way, Japan is years behind the United States in this area --
makes us wonder what amazing development the slipper industry will
spring on us next. Cappuccino-machine slippers? Drill-press slippers?
Slippers containing a combination fax machine and ant farm? This is a
great time to be alive.
                             	------

	DUCK BUTTS -- $5.99 per pair from Knutson's Recreational Sales Inc.,
164 Wamplers Lake Rd., Box 457, Brooklyn, Mich. 49230, phone (800) 248-
9318. Suggested by Phil Smith of Richmond, Va.
	If you have a sportsperson on your holiday gift list, the chances are
excellent that he would love to have a duck butt.
	And no wonder. As you are no doubt aware, a major problem with
traditional duck decoys is that they are all in the upright position;
whereas real ducks periodically stick their heads underwater to look for
snails or car keys or whatever it is that ducks are looking for
underwater.
	This means that if you have a set of ordinary decoys, all in the
upright position, they don't look natural. Ducks flying overhead are
eventually going to become suspicious.
	``Hey,'' they are going to say. ``How come those so-called `ducks'
down there are all in the upright position?''
	Granted, this probably will not happen until several billion years
from now, when ducks have evolved to the point where they can talk. But
it never hurts to be prepared, which is why we're certain that the
sportsperson on your list will be thrilled to receive this gift, which
is an exact replica of a duck butt, weighted so the tail sticks up. This
will definitely lend an aura of realism to any decoy flotilla, thus
attracting the attention of real ducks flying overhead. (``Hey! How come
some of those so-called `ducks' down there never come up for air?'')
	Bonus Tip For Home Entertainers: These duck butts can also add ``a
touch of class'' to a punch bowl.
                             	------

	KENTUCKY THUMBSTICK -- $48 from The J. Peterman Company, 2444 Palumbo
Dr., Lexington, Ky. 40509, phone (800) 231-7341. Suggested by Agnes
Potter of Old Greenwich, Conn.
	This item is featured in the J. Peterman Company catalog, which has a
section headed ``Philosophy,'' in which J. Peterman makes these
observations:
	``People want things that are hard to find. Things that have romance,
but a factual romance, about them. ... I think that giant American
corporations should start asking themselves if the things they make are
really, I mean really, better than the ordinary.''
	We certainly see this philosophy being put into practice in the
Kentucky Thumbstick. According to the J. Peterman catalog description,
this is a piece of ``solid maple, approx. 57 inches long'' that has been
``hand cut and hand stripped of bark. Knots cut and smoothed by hand.
Sealed and finished with two coats of a secret Kentucky solution. Price:
$48.''
	We're sure you're reacting to this description with the same
excitement that we felt.
	``Wait a minute,'' you're saying. ``These people are charging nearly
$50 for a STICK?''
	Of course not. Don't be silly. This is not just a STICK. This is a
THUMBstick. It has an exclusive feature, which, without going into a lot
of highly technical detail, we will describe here as a ``fork'' or ``Y.
'' Thanks to this feature, the hiker is able -- pay close attention here,
because this is the very essence of the the Thumbstick concept -- to REST
HIS OR HER THUMB IN THE ``y'' WHILE HIKING. This prevents the hiker's
hand from sliding down the stick, which is a leading cause of hiking-
related falls.
	So we're not talking about a company charging an absurd amount of
money for a mere stick. We're talking about a company charging an absurd
amount of money for a stick with a fork in it, which is totally
different. We really, and we mean really, wish that giant American
corporations would stop screwing around making products such as
refrigerators and automobiles, and start producing more items like this,
and we look forward with eagerness to other factual yet romantic
products from J. Peterman, such as the Kentucky Throwing Rock, the
Kentucky Bag of Dirt and the Kentucky Dead Insect.
                             	------

	(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD
	DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE MEDIA SERVICES, INC.
	We at ClariNet apologize for the delay.
    

                     THE TWELVE BUGS OF CHRISTMAS
 
 For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.
 
 For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
     Tell them it's a feature
     Say it's not supported
     Change the documentation
     Blame it on the hardware
     Find a way around it
     Say they need an upgrade
     Reinstall the software
     Ask for a dump
     Run with the debugger
     Try to reproduce it
     Ask them how they did it and
     See if they can do it again.