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Conference turris::womannotes-v3

Title:Topics of Interest to Women
Notice:V3 is closed. TURRIS::WOMANNOTES-V5 is open.
Moderator:REGENT::BROOMHEAD
Created:Thu Jan 30 1986
Last Modified:Fri Jun 30 1995
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1078
Total number of notes:52352

988.0. "Spouse staying with Ex" by VAXRT::WILLIAMS () Thu Aug 22 1991 17:04

    My wife and son are over in Germany for two weeks, to attend a wedding
    of my wife's godchild and to have a visit with friends.
    
    My wife got divorced from a German about 25 years ago.  We met in
    Germany about 22 years ago and eventually got married.
    
    This Tuesday I called her to tell her how we fared in the hurricane and
    she told me where I could contact her for the next week. (She had been
    staying with the parents of the bride.) She said that she and my son
    would be staying with her ex until Friday.
    
    He has never remarried and I just seen him for about 5 minutes total.
    I guess we're uncomfortable with each other.
    
    I found this upsetting.  Should I?  Is it normal for one to stay with
    their Ex?
    
    Enquiring bundles of nerves want to know.
    
    /s/ Jim Williams
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988.1NOATAK::BLAZEKbells ring, maypoles spinThu Aug 22 1991 17:2115
    
    That they've been divorced for 25 years would cause me to feel
    relatively calm about it.  And sometimes in a foreign country, 
    you accept what hospitality is available.  If they've moved to
    a realm where they can be friends, and celebrate the link they
    shared almost 3 decades ago by acknowledging their friendship
    now, I think that's admirable.
    
    And it's only for 2 weeks.
    
    Hope you find your peace surrounding this situation.  I don't
    know whether it's normal, but it doesn't sound alarming.
    
    Carla
    
988.2TNPUBS::C_MILLERThu Aug 22 1991 19:226
    Don't forget, she has your son there (I'm assumming he is a teenager)
    who will not only report everything back to you but will act as their
    chaperone.
    
    However, *I* too would feel weird about such an arrangement. I think it
    is normal to let your imagination run wild.
988.3My manager sezMR4DEC::HAROUTIANThu Aug 22 1991 19:436
    FWIW, my manager, who normally works in Munich, tells me it's
    commonplace for friends of the opposite sex to stay together when,
    f'r'instance, one is travelling to an area where the other lives, and
    no one thinks anything of it.
    
    
988.4WRKSYS::STHILAIREFood, Shelter & DiamondsFri Aug 23 1991 11:5310
    Well, I've been roommates with my ex for almost 2 yrs. now so I know
    from personal experience that a person can get along with an ex as
    friends, without there being anything sexual going on.
    
    So, I don't think it's a given that just because somebody stays with a
    person they once had a sexual relationship with, that it will always be
    sexual.  Sometimes people are able to move on and still be friends.
    
    Lorna
    
988.5Thanks for input, more if you likeVAXRT::WILLIAMSFri Aug 23 1991 12:2521
    Thanks for your input.  I'm emotionally frazzled from some other things
    and this was "just another thing to think about" that I didn't need.
    
    Intellectually it's not a problem:
    
    1. It's extremely unlikely that they'd "do anything"
    2. If they did, it probably wouldn't be anything that they hadn't done
       in the past
    3. (egotistically speaking) I don't consider him much of a rival.
    
    But emotionally (probably male reptilian brain originated) I found the
    whole thing troublesome.
    
    Your input has been helpful, in giving me a more rational perspective
    to apply.
    
    ["Reports" from my son, probably not, he's 12 and will likely report on
    the entire trip with 3 words "It was OK".  Maybe I could hire some
    recently cashiered KGB agents to get the real story ;^)) ]
    
    /s/ Jim Williams
988.6SRATGA::SCARBERRY_CIMon Aug 26 1991 16:486
    I'd probably hate the whole entire situation, but would give my
    spouse the benefit of the doubt.  But, I'd definetly let him know
    that I didn't feel so great about it.  She did tell you! so that's
    some cause to have faith!  She sounds honest and you've been married
    quite a long time.  If I were her, and upon letting you know, you
    didn't feel a little apprensive, I'd feel wierd about you!
988.7Would'nt worry ......SOLVIT::KAUFMANThu Aug 29 1991 14:439
    I would'nt worry about it; there are many different kinds of love /
    friendship.  I'm still friends with my ex and in many ways I still
    love him -- he's a good person -- but I'm not "in love" or sexually
    attracted to him any longer.  
    
    Relax,  life is too short!
    
    Romy